Karma literally means “deed” or “act” and more broadly names the universal principle of cause and effect, action and reaction which govern all life. If we sow goodness, we will reap goodness, if we sow evil, we will reap evil. Chapter 3 Daphne lay in bed and took a long, ragged breath. The pain seemed better this morning; at least the spasms and bleeding had stopped. The aching in her heart though was a constant thing, varying in degrees from mild to intense. Alex had just left for the hospital after leaving her a large cup of coffee, an antidepressant and a piece of raisin toast for breakfast. She smiled wryly when she thought of his efforts. He was completely at a loss, trying desperately to fix whatever was broken inside his wife. Yet in spite of all his medical knowledge and years of schooling he was unable to help. She sat up and waited a few minutes for the waves of nausea and dizziness to pass. She knew that her body was just adjusting to an upright position after being horizontal for so long. She ran her fingers through her tangled hair, imagining how long it was going to take her to get it back to looking decent again. She got up gingerly and waited again as the dizziness hit once more. Eventually it stopped and she made her way over to the window and drew back the curtains to let the sunlight in. The view from where she stood was magnificent, her eyes took it all in and she sighed as the beauty of the sun rising over the city washed over her. This was her favorite time of the day, when most of the world slept and the phones never rang. She loved to have her first cup of coffee reclining on the chaise lounge that faced the window. It was her time to do things for herself without constant interruptions, go over her schedule, input and delete information into her Blackberry and generally do all the things necessary to make her life more organized. She would check her e-mails, respond to whatever needed her attention and then continue on to the bathroom where she took a long, leisurely bath. It took her a while to get into the bathing habit, because she had always preferred taking showers. Sitting in a tub was just something her triple A-type personality could never stand. It was boring and took too long; she never understood the appeal until she went to a stress and time management course and they suggested this as one way of helping make her day more tolerable. At first she balked at the idea, but even Alex thought she should stick it out for a few more days to see if she wouldn’t learn to like it and eventually, she did. Now she couldn’t imagine starting her ten hour day without it. Alex’s way of reducing stress and tension was playing racquetball every morning. He always left the house at five and after a quick drive to the gym, which was attached to, but not part of, the hospital he did his thirty minutes of stretching and light weight lifting before he met up with Steve Atkins, cardiologist and friend, for their daily racquetball match. They had become close when they interned together many years ago in New York City and ended up accepting positions in the same hospital, here in Pittsburgh. Both Daphne and Alex knew how important it was to do things for themselves; to make time in their busy schedules for their bodies, to enable them to sustain the grueling pace of their medical careers. Alex’s surgeries routinely took anywhere from nine to twelve hours in one stretch. This alone put tremendous stress on the body, coupled with the pressure of knowing you held a person’s brain in your hands and one slip of the knife could mean the difference between a life well spent or one permanently disabled. Daphne’s patients were different in that their demand on her was completely mental and it could literally suck her dry if she let it. She had trained herself to leave the problems behind, take nothing home except her body so that she had enough left in her to be there for Alex and enjoy their marriage. Their time together on a daily basis was not much. Eight to nine hours at most, six of which were spent sleeping. In spite of that, they remained close. They had been friends long before they had become lovers and that part of their marriage was the most important to them. They shared so many of the same ideologies and could talk for hours over dinner or sitting in front of the fireplace about things they saw or did on a daily basis. There were never awkward moments of silence, it was the complete opposite. It was such a revelation to Daphne that she and Alex could have this kind of communication and closeness. Previous to her marriage, her closest friend and confidant had been Justin and she never thought she would be able to find another relationship like that. Her sporadic affairs throughout her school years had always been with men who had trouble answering simple questions, let alone having a heart to heart discussion about anything serious. She had almost decided that all heteros were a bunch of Neanderthals with zero communication skills other than, ‘harder, yeah baby’, and ‘pass the Ketchup’. But thankfully Alex Cherny stepped into her life and proved her completely wrong. He was a wonderful communicator but more importantly, an excellent listener. They laughed at the same things; an essential part of their relationship, as Daphne felt that without humor life was just too grim to bear. He loved her ability to zero in on a situation, bypassing all the bullshit and being able to tell it like it is. Both of them did not suffer fools gladly and more often than not were happy with their choices of new friends and acquaintances. When Alex first met Justin and Brian he was a little wary. He had never had any contact with Gay men, other than as patients, and he had no idea what to expect. The fact that his wife’s best friend was Gay had come as a complete surprise to him, but in deference to her he vowed to view everything with an open mind and reserve judgment until he got to know them better. It didn’t take long for him to realize that both men were exceptional, regardless of what their sexual preferences were. Daphne knew that Alex wondered what she and Justin had to talk about whenever he saw her on the phone with him. It was hard to explain the history and closeness to someone whose entire life revolved around academics, leaving very little time for socializing and friends. Alex’s formative years were spent in isolation because all the people he was in school with were much older than him; the one down side of being a child prodigy. He had no idea what it was like to share experiences and secrets with a special friend. He couldn’t relate to Daphne and Justin’s closeness but he did respect it and never tried to interfere in anyway. Daphne stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom and looked at her face. She didn’t look half bad, she thought, considering she hadn’t done any grooming in days. Her hair, of course, was a hopeless case, springing out around her face in a wild Afro that begged for a good shampoo, brushing and flat iron. She decided that today she would make the effort and try and get back to a semi-normal state. She pulled her nightgown over her head and tossed it in the hamper in the corner. Again she inspected her body, looking for any signs of its recent loss. Her breasts were still full, that would take a few more weeks to get back to normal. She had never been very busty but pregnancy had given her a nice fullness that she was going to miss. The rest of her looked the same; still slim and muscular, her stomach tight and flat, no signs of cellulite and looseness anywhere. At thirty- three Daphne could easily pass for a young woman in her twenties. The funny thing was she never really did much to make this happen…the hype of the cosmetic world and all the products that were supposed to keep one youthful were completely wasted on her. Her entire beauty regimen consisted of soap, water and Oil of Olay. That was it. Her make-up case had a smattering of eye shadows, mascara and a few wands of lip gloss, minimal to say the least. Yet, despite the lack of vanity and all its accouterments, she was a stunning young woman. Her skin was flawless; her teeth perfect, her eyes were liquid pools of brown toffee that showed every emotion without guile or pretense. This morning the eyes that looked back at her in the mirror showed all the pain and anguish she had been going through these last few months. She willed herself to look away and she moved over to the tub. She turned on the faucets, adjusting them to get the right mix of hot and cold, and then she sat on the little bench and waited for it to fill up. Daphne took some more sips of her coffee. It was quite tepid at this point but she didn’t really care, nothing tasted very good these days. She drank the coffee hoping it would jump start her brain and get her moving. She glanced at the clock that was on the wall above her dresser and saw that almost forty minutes had gone by since she woke up. Justin had called last night to say he would be over bright and early today; she knew that she still had about an hour or so before that was going to happen. He had promised to bring her favorite cinnamon rolls from the Cin-Na-Bun off of Liberty Avenue in the hopes that it would rev-up the appetite that seemed to have disappeared. She barely remembered the calls she had made to him the first hours after she miscarried. She knew that she was pretty desperate at the time and had reached out to the closest friend she had, hoping he would make everything better. Alex was hurting enough; she didn’t want to burden him with her grief so she had dumped on poor Justin who didn’t even know she was pregnant. This morning she was going to have to deal with him and his third degree and explain to him why she hadn’t said anything about her past pregnancies or the fact that they were even trying to have a child. She hoped that he would not berate her for not saying anything sooner. She really wasn’t in the mood to deal with any of his sermons or much less have to explain in gory detail everything she had been through. She knew it would be good for her to talk about it; this is what she told her patients every day. It was an important part of the healing process, however, this physician was having trouble healing herself. She expected that Justin would eventually brow beat her into telling all, that was his style and she always ended up doing what he wanted. Almost thirty minutes later she finished putting away the blow dryer and looked in the mirror one more time. Her hair was still wild and full, but now it was clean and shiny and tangle free. Daphne grabbed hold of it and pinned it back with a clip rather than deal with the flat iron to try and do any straightening. She was exhausted enough. She put on some lip gloss and a touch of blush, hoping this would convince Justin that she was well on the road to recovery. No matter what she felt inside, the outside at least looked pretty damn good. She made her way into the bedroom and threw on a pair of sweat pants and a T-shirt that said, ‘Mental’. Finally, she made her way down the circular staircase and into her living room and waited for the sound of the buzzer announcing that Justin had arrived. At eight thirty sharp the doorman called to say that Justin was on his way up. Daphne stood by the open door and braced herself for the arrival of Justin who was a force of nature all on his own. “Hey, Daphe,” Justin said, as soon as the elevator door slid open and he saw her standing there, waiting. Daphne smiled and moved over to give Justin a hug. They held on to each other for a few minutes until Justin pushed her away so that he could look in her eyes. “Are you okay?” “I’ll live,” she replied. “I brought you some breakfast,” he said to her tentatively, not sure what kind of mood she was in. “I see that. Come on in…let’s make another pot of coffee and enjoy the thousand calories per bite,” she said, tongue-in-cheek. They moved into the kitchen area and she went over to the coffee machine and prepared another pot. Justin watched the whole time, his artist’s eye seeing every detail of her body, checking her out to make sure she really was feeling better. Finally after her preparations were done, they moved over to the round table near the picture window and sat to wait for the coffee to brew. Justin brought over the box of cinnamon roles and Daphne had the plates and forks in hand. “Do you want to talk about it?” Justin asked. “What’s to talk about? I was pregnant, now I’m not.” “Come on, Daphe. I know this hasn’t been easy on you. You don’t need to be brave on my account.” He continued to look at her, the love and concern showing on his face. Unexpectedly and much to his surprise, tears started to flow down Daphne’s face without any warning. “Hey,” Justin said, reaching over to touch her on her face. “Please don’t cry. I didn’t mean to upset you any more than you already are.” “It’s not you, Justin. It’s the hormones that are going crazy in my body. I’m sorry…I’ll stop in a minute.” Daphne reached over Justin’s head to the little ledge behind him that held the phone and a box of tissue. She grabbed the box and proceeded to mop up the tears. “I’m sorry,” she said again, apologizing for a body that was out of control, turning her into something she had always despised, an emotional wreck. “Don’t apologize, okay. Cry all you want, Daphe,” Justin said to her, taking her in his arms gently. Hearing those words only broke the dam and the tears flowed non-stop, turning into sobs. It was heart breaking for Justin because he didn’t know how to fix this. All he could do was hold her tighter, murmuring words that meant nothing, cliché’s that served no purpose other than paying lip service to no one in particular. “You’ll get better, Daphe,” he said softly. “Your body will heal and get stronger and you and Alex can try again.” “No,” Daphne said, in between sobs. “I don’t want to try again; I can’t go through this one more time.” “It’ll be okay,” Justin said, not really knowing what he was talking about. “You guys are going to be parents yet and in a few years you won’t even remember all this.” Pushing away, Daphne looked at him, her face awash with tears. Her eyes now showing all the pain and heartbreak she tried to hide earlier. “It’s never going to happen, Justin, it’s not that simple.” “Why? Have the doctors said you can’t carry a child, ever?” “It’s just too complicated, too much to do.” “Aww, come on, Daphne, lighten up a little. How hard can it be? You’ll just have to try again. You’ve always told me what a great lover Alex is; this will just give you more excuses to have marathon sex. What better incentive could there be?” This statement only brought on a renewed round of sobbing and more tears. Justin was shocked. He had no idea how bad her state of mind really was. “Daphne, stop, please,” Justin begged. “It’s not going to happen, Justin. Alex and I will never have a child.” “Why?” Justin asked again. Daphne pulled away from him. She stood up and walked over to the window, her body language changing instantly from hapless to furious. Daphne had her back turned to him and she spoke very quietly. “It will never happen, Justin, because Alex is sterile.” “He’s what!” “You heard right…he is sterile.” “But you were pregnant?” Justin said to her back. “I was,” Daphne replied. She turned around to look at him. The sad Daphne was no longer there. Standing in front of him was one pissed off lady. “I was pregnant, through the miracle of modern science, a feat that is very involved and very invasive and not something I really wanted to discuss with you or anyone else!” Justin looked at her, too stunned to speak. He was at a complete loss for words, something he was not used to. “I had no idea, Daphne,” he said. “No one did,” she answered. “No one knows, not even our parents.” “But you told me that he was a wonderful lover…that you’ve always had amazing sex?” Daphne looked at Justin like he was a complete moron. “I said he was sterile, Justin, not impotent! We fuck like rabbits…that part works fine. He just shoots blanks!” “Oh,” Justin said, realizing his mistake. “Is there anything I can do?” he asked. Daphne snorted out a bitter laugh. “No, there is nothing you can do. Unless,” she said, looking him straight in the eye, “You’re willing to donate your sperm?” They both looked at each other in shock! Justin couldn’t believe she just said that. Neither could Daphne. TBC