The Art of the Heart

Authors - Lois and Mouse

This is in one way a song fic. In a more important way, it is how I feel that if there was a season 6, that it could go this way. The song used is by Joshua Payne, an enormously talented singer that you might want to listen to (his website is www.joshuapayne.com, give his music a try). The song title is The Art of the Heart as is the title of this fic. There are many things real in this story. The school is real as are some of the professors, though what they actually do in this story probably varies from real life. The restaurant is real as are the places mentioned in Vermont. Check out their websites and the items the boys buy their friends (www.handmadeinvermont.com; www.irishtoo.com ). This was a collaboration, so many thanks go to Mouse; without her this story wouldn’t be half as good-she takes something and makes it sound so much better.

Though we’re merely flesh and blood
We hunger for what lives beyond
In a world that lies to love
Still we rise above

It’s the art of the heart
It’s the power of us
When the night overtakes, when I want to give up
There’s a sweet ray of light, every time that we touch
Love can paint a new picture
That’s the art of the heart

Yesterday can cloud my mind
Shadows make me colorblind
Faith will flood the darkest sky
With the sunrise of your smile

Chorus

There’s a sweet ray of light every time that we touch
Love can redeem our forgotten dreams
That’s the art of the heart
That’s the art of the heart
****

Spring 2005

Justin’s phone was ringing. ‘Where the hell is it?’ He looked in his jacket pockets as well as his pants pockets. He quickly released one arm from his backpack and swung it down to the bench. ‘I’m coming, I’m coming.’ He looked at the readout-‘Why would Brian be calling me?’


“Hey.”

“Hey back. Can you come by the loft later on?”

“Is there a problem? Did I leave something behind?”

“No, but something came today; an envelope from the School of Visual Arts in New York City. Do you know anything about it?” Justin could tell by the tone of Brian’s voice that the man had his suspicions. This was not the way Justin had hoped to explain his decision.

Justin pinched his nose with his left index finger and thumb. ‘Shit, how could I have forgotten?’ “Brian, I have to work until 7:00; I can drop by after. I’ll explain then.”

“OK, later.”

“Later.” Brian’s voice sounded cool and disinterested. However, Justin knew from experience that Brian was anything but cool or disinterested in that envelope or what it meant. Throwing his backpack over his shoulder once more, Justin pressed on. He had to get to the diner. Waiting for the bus to arrive, Justin found himself once more considering his decision. It had taken a lot of soul searching and thought to make it. He’d felt it was the right thing to do until a moment ago when Brian had called. How could Justin leave him? How could he possibly walk away now, just when Brian seemed ready to give them a chance?

Justin stepped up into the bus, finding a seat alone in the back. He leaned his forehead against the cool glass. He wanted things to work with Brian, but no matter what, he always felt at a disadvantage. For the last few years every time he fucked up, Brian had stepped in to save him. Even when he was with Ethan, Brian had still managed to help him stay in school and provided extra income here and there to make ends meet. He also made it clear that their relationship, or lack of, had nothing to do with Justin’s place in the family.

Justin thought of the rest of their friends. How many times in the past had they given Brian shit about Justin’s age? How many times had they dismissed their relationship as something transient because of the difference in their ages or the difference in the stages that the two men were at in their lives. While Justin could never change the difference in their ages, he could make the stages more equal. And that is what he hoped he was doing.

‘I love him’ Justin whispered, closing his eyes, ‘but they’re right. It won’t last, not as long as it remains this unbalanced.’ Justin knew that Brian considered him a partner of sorts, but at the same time, wanted to protect him.

Justin realized the next stop was his. He stood and headed for the front of the bus, grateful that he hadn’t had the time to really consider the part of his decision that worried him the most. What if Brian didn’t feel like waiting for Justin to have the experience he needed in order to feel equal in their relationship? What if in trying to save their life together, Justin was really ending it once and for all.

As Justin worked at the diner, he kept thinking of what he was going to say to Brian, how he could tell him what he needed right now. That his leaving wasn’t meant to be an ending but just a postponement of what he hoped they would one day have. He had to make him understand that it had nothing to do with Brian but had everything to do with himself.

At 7:30 Justin knocked on Brian’s door. He found it unlocked and found Brian sitting on the couch. As he moved closer, he realized that the man was holding the envelope that had arrived earlier in his hand. Neither man felt the need to speak, both apparently waiting for the other to initiate the conversation.

Justin sat on the end of the couch and reached out his hand for the envelope. Brian looked at the envelope then at Justin as he handed it over. Justin sighed as he realized that the envelope was a bit thicker than just one sheet of paper. This wasn’t quite as bad as when the letter came from PIFA and he just couldn’t get the courage up to open it himself. This wasn’t the only school he had applied to, but it was the one he hoped he could attend.

Brian kept his eyes on Justin as he opened the letter and he watched him scan the front page quickly. He noticed when Justin’s eyes got brighter and a smile began to form on his face. Justin looked up at Brian. He could see that the man had already deduced that he had been accepted, but felt the need to say it aloud; perhaps to convince himself of that fact.

“I’ve been accepted for the fall term.”

“I know you don’t live here anymore but I thought we were partners. When did you make this decision? And why couldn’t you tell me?” Justin cleared his throat as he considered how he was going to make his case. Surely someone as independent as Brian would understand what it felt like to be dependent on others and the need to stand on his own two feet.

“Brian, I wanted so much to do this on my own, without help from anyone. I mean it was just writing an essay, sending in my SAT scores, and coming up with a portfolio; all things I could do myself.”

“I’m not talking about getting accepted. I’m talking about the decision to apply. I am assuming that the School for Visual Arts in New York City is actually in New York City.”

Justin ran his fingers through his hair tugging on the ends as he sensed the irritation in the older man’s voice.

“That’s a hell of a commute Sunshine.” Brian added. “Unless perhaps there’s more to this change of venue than merely applying to a new school.”

Justin got up from the couch as began to pace the length of the living room. “Brian, I need for you to listen to me and to not say anything until I’m done. Can you do that? It’s going to be hard enough to make you understand anyway. It will only make it harder if you interrupt.”

Brian was trying to feign a blank expression but was failing miserably. He’d been struggling all day with what the letter meant. He’d sensed since Justin had returned from California that he’d been searching for direction. Brian had never considered that the direction would be east and carry Justin out of his life. Brian looked up at Justin who was standing before him and pointed to the couch. Justin sat on the chair so he could face Brian while he talked.

“I have been thinking about going back to school since we had that bet last year. I figured you’d win and I began thinking about WHERE I wanted to go. I really didn’t want to go back to PIFA, but I did. It was the only logical choice for me. I mean, I was already accepted there and it felt comfortable, easy. A few weeks in though, I knew it wasn’t going to work. Too much had happened. I resented how I had been treated by the administration. Those feelings were distracting and affecting my work. It was then that I began looking at schools nearby; and realized that there were no really good schools close to Pittsburgh that would give me the education that I wanted.”

Justin stopped and looked at Brian. He gave him a small smile. “The more I thought about moving away, the more I realized I was looking forward to that.” Brian stiffened slightly, his gaze leaving Justin’s, knowing his feelings would be easily read by the blond. How could Justin look forward to leaving him? Those months while Justin had been in California had seemed the longest of Brian’s life. Had Justin enjoyed the time away? Justin felt Brian pulling away and rushed to clarify what it was that he had meant by the comment. “But that feeling also brought me up short. Why did I want to move away? All my family and friends are here.” Justin lowered his voice to just a whisper, “The man I love is here.”

Brian looked back toward the younger man, once more seeing the honesty and affection so bravely displayed for anyone to see. Brian felt a surge of envy as he once more felt humbled by Justin’s courage to show his feelings. This time it was Justin though that looked away

“I have to go out and do this all by myself.” Justin heard the man sigh and steeled himself for Brian’s reaction. Luckily, Brian was still honoring his promise to remain silent until Justin had a chance to finish. “Brian, look at my life since we met. There was you, there was Debbie, there was you, there was Ethan, there was you, there was always you. Are you seeing the pattern here? Can you see my concern?” Brian refused to answer, keeping his silence until the end

Justin was shaking his head as he smiled slightly and looked at Brian once more. “I have to know that I can do it on my own. If I stayed here, I’d never know what I am really capable of because you’d always be there to pick up the pieces. I have to grow up Brian and I just don’t think I can do that here. I have seen what you have gone through since we met, and see how people like Michael and Lindsay want to keep you where you were before you met me. I see how you’ve ignored them and changed your life so that there would be room for me, for us, in it. I know that it took a lot of courage to do that. It’s hard to change and it’s hard to let go of who you thought you wanted to be. Before I can really be with you, like I want to, I have to be who I want to be. I have to stand on my own two feet and make my way in this world. I have to know that I can make it on my own or else I will never feel like your partner, not really. Do you understand what I’m saying? I have to pick myself up and dust myself off when life is shitty. I have to know that I can fail and I’ll never know that as long as you are here picking up all the pieces for me. I need to have the same kind of growth you’ve had. And that means being somewhere that you can’t pick up the pieces if I fail.”

“What if I promise I won’t?”

Justin went over to Brian, laid a hand on his cheek and caressed his lips. Smiling, he said, “Then I know that you wouldn’t, but I watch how you protect Michael and I know it would be very frustrating for you to watch me screw up and not jump in and fix it.”

“I didn’t intercede with that posse debacle.” Brian offered, enjoying Justin’s soft laughter in response.

“Brian, I know that you care for me, maybe even love me, and because of that I know you’d find a way to do whatever you could to stand in the way of me failing.”

As Brian got up from his seat, he took Justin in his arms, holding him silently as he waited until he could trust his voice. Somehow he’d known this was coming. All day he’d tried to prepare himself for Justin’s admission that he was leaving. Brian knew the blond’s talk of a future was sincere, but at the same time Brian had lived enough to know that the chances of their ever finding their way back to one another was slim to none. He wanted to tell Justin that. He wanted the younger man to understand that by walking away, he was more than likely closing the door once and for all on the chance for them to be together.

Justin said against his chest, “I want to be your equal and there is no way I can achieve that staying here in your shadow. Though it is a lovely shadow and I will certainly miss it.”

Brian knew the moment had passed for expressing any of his hesitation or doubt about Justin’s plan. No, it was time to just accept it and insure that when Justin remembered Brian, he would remember him well

“Do you have anywhere you need to be tonight?” Brian asked looking into Justin’s eyes.

“Tonight, I am all yours.” Justin said and smiled as they wandered over to the bed. Brian ignored the qualifier, having already accepted that after tonight, things would never be the same between them.

They undressed each other slowly. They touched bare skin with every piece of cloth that slipped off. Justin wasn’t sure if he had ever touched Brian the way he was at this moment. He wanted to remember every inch of Brian’s skin, every crevice, every bit he could absorb that he could take with him for the time they would be apart. Justin was not the only one with those same thoughts. Brian closed his eyes, not wanting Justin to see the brightness that heralded tears. He was thinking ‘will this be the last time I will ever feel the way I do right now-complete and happy.’

Justin woke the next morning to hazel eyes looking into his. “Good morning stud, how long have you been awake?”

“Not long,” Brian replied. ‘Only long enough to memorize as much about you as I could,’ he was thinking.

Justin reached over and ran his fingers through Brian’s hair. “Make love to me Brian. I want to have something to remember while I am away.”

“It’s not like you’re packing up and leaving today Sunshine. We have time.” Brian offered though understanding the man’s sense of urgency that they make the most of the time they had left.

“I know.” Justin admitted. “But…” How could he voice his own need to memorize everything, to feel it once again before he had to let it go. There could never be enough time with Brian, so he had to use what he had left wisely. Brian seemed to understand.

Brian ran his hand down Justin’s face as he leaned in to kiss him gently. “It will be my pleasure.”

They made love slowly, bringing each other to the brink over and over in order to prolong their parting as long as they could. Neither man took his eyes off the other, even as they reached their climax together.

“I have to get up and get to work. I need to save as much money as I can until I know exactly how much scholarship money I can get and what kind of job I can find.” Justin told Brian.

“I’ll be glad to…”

“Brian,” Justin warned, “This is exactly what I am talking about. I HAVE to do this on my own. I appreciate everything you have done for me in the past, but please understand this is WHY I have to leave and do this alone.”

Brian looked into Justin’s eyes, seeing the resolve there. He dipped his head in acceptance.

“However, I do have time for a shower. Want to save some water?”

***

Justin spent the next month working as much as he could at the diner while also doing some freelance art. By the end of the month all the family knew of Justin’s plans. Most were supportive and even though neither Justin nor Brian had spoken of what they shared that night in the loft, they had deduced that Justin felt the need to be somewhere else to finish becoming a man. Michael however was more worried about Brian than Justin. He had finally seen that Brian was better off with Justin than without him and wondered what would happen to Brian once Justin was gone. But every time he tried to bring up the subject with Brian, Brian would cut him off.

Brian came often to the diner and no matter if it was just a cup of coffee or an entire meal, he gave Justin a $50.00 and told him to keep the change. Justin at first was not happy with this, seeing it as another way of ‘helping’ him, but after Brian told him that this was the only way he would see money from him, he decided to just bank it and not fight Brian on this again.

Justin blew into the diner one evening in late April waving a letter at every one seated there. “I got accepted into the summer residency program. I’ll also be able to begin taking courses this summer that will help me get on a fast track, enabling me to finish my degree in two years, maybe less.”

Lindsay smiled and asked, “Where will you stay over the summer?”

Justin said, “I found out that I’ll be able to get the same room this summer as I got for the fall. It’s about 5 blocks from the school and is just a couple of blocks from the subway. I’ll have to use the subway for the studio time this summer because it’s in Chelsea, but after that I should be able to walk to my classes. I have really missed having studio time so I am psyched about getting back to my art. With any luck I’ll have a showing by the end of the summer. Who knows where that could lead. I’m hoping for a part-time job.”

Brian looked at the others then at Justin. “I know you don’t want me to ask this but how are you going to pay for all this education?”

“That’s also part of the news I have. I applied for some scholarship awards and found out that I got the Silas H. Rhodes Merit Scholarship. It pays a large portion of tuition and expenses so the loan I get won’t be too bad. Since I got this one for the coming year, hopefully I’ll be able to get a National Scholastic Art Award Scholarship for the next year as well. I am so on my way. Also I can pay my part of tuition in monthly installments so that will help as well.”

It was hard not to be happy for Justin but for Brian it was bittersweet. His lover was going away and didn’t look like he would need him for anything. He had done what he set out to do. Finish his education without help from anyone, not his family and not Brian. He was happy for Justin but it was hard to not be able to do anything. Then he thought of one thing.

“Justin, you mentioned a part time job. I have some connections in the city. I’d be glad to…”

Justin turned to Brian with a warning look in his eyes and gave him a slight side to side shake of his head. Brian acknowledged his answer with a slight nod and closed his eyes.

When Brian got ready to leave, Justin asked Debbie for a few minutes break. Justin knew that it was hard for Brian to handle what looked like rejection from him and wanted to make sure that he understood it had nothing to do with how Justin felt about him. Running after the older man, Justin cried out, “Brian, hold up a minute.” Brian paused, turned, then patiently waited for Justin to catch up. Justin laughed as he huffed from the short sprint. “I just wanted to make sure that you knew why I had to turn you down about you finding me work.”

Brian put his hand up to stop Justin. “I apologize. It came out before I had time to think. You’ve made it clear that you don’t want my help. It will just take me some time to get used to it.”

“You get it, right?” Justin asked, cocking his head to the side as he searched the older man’s eyes. “It’s not about love.”

“Yes, I get it.” Brian reassured him. “It’s about independence.”

Justin reached up and pulled Brian’s head down and kissed him softly on the lips. “Thanks for caring though. If I do need you, I won’t hesitate to get in touch.”

“I won’t hold my breath for that to happen.”

“I wouldn’t if I were you.” Justin was smiling as he said that, but his tone made the depth of his conviction evident.

***

Justin had told no one that the program he was entering was the one in advertising. He’d met with the chair, Richard Wilde when he was looking at the school trying to decide which one in New York to attend. He was very impressed with how Mr. Wilde presented the school and also the advertising department. He still remembered part of the conversation they had.

“So Mr. Taylor, why are looking into the field of advertising?” Wilde asked looking over the tip of the application Justin had provided.

“I hope to become a partner in an advertising firm when I graduate.” Justin replied confidently.

“Partner when you graduate? That is a lofty goal. How will you meet that goal?” The older man smirked at the younger man’s naivety. Justin refused to let the man’s skepticism affect him.

“I realize it seems a bit out of my reach but I can be fairly persistent when presented with a challenge. I am making sure that everything I do while in school here will reflect my desire and contribute to obtaining that goal. School will be the only thing that I have in my life until I graduate. I WILL be ready to be a partner when I am done here.” Justin felt a thrill as he said those words knowing he was taking steps to insure a brighter future for he and Brian together.

“Well, I have to say, that everything you have sent to us, as well as how you have presented yourself here today certainly inspires me to do whatever I can to see you reach your highest potential and reach that goal. I expect you and I will be seeing a lot of each other while you are here with us.” There was something about the young man that reminded him of how he was at the same age. He’d had a mentor and because of that relationship, he was the success he was today. It was time to pass what he had learned from Robert all those years ago to a worthy young man.

“Justin, come by the office when you get back into the city. I don’t do this often but I think I’d like the challenge of being your advisor to help you reach the goal you have set. Someone did the same for me when I was about your age and it’s time to pass it on.”

“Thank you Mr. Wilde, I look forward to it.”

****
The gang was meeting at Deb’s for Justin’s going away dinner. Lindsay was bringing the salad. Debbie was making her puttanesca and Emmett had made an assortment of desserts. Jennifer and Molly were bringing some munchies to eat before the big meal. Ben and Michael were bringing an assortment of breads. Ted wasn’t bringing anything but a check. Brian was bringing a surprise and no one could get him to spill.

Jennifer and Molly came early in order to help Debbie.

“So Jennifer, how does it feel to be losing your first child?”

“Debbie, I lost my first child a long time ago. He’s just moving to another city this time. But I will miss him. Even though he hasn’t lived at home for ages, I could see him whenever I wanted. But he’s not so far away that I can’t drop in on him every once in a while.” It was clear that Jennifer was trying to be supportive and put the best face on the situation. Debbie knew from the brief time that she’d been separated from Michael when he’d moved out to Oregon, that there was nothing easy about letting go.

“I’m glad he’s moving to New York City. I’ll be able to go sightseeing when I want.” Molly said as she set the table. Both Debbie and Jennifer gave her a smile before Jennifer continued, her voice slightly lower in order to prevent little ears from hearing her concerns.

“I just hope he’s safe. There is so much crime in that city and he’ll be walking or riding the subway everywhere. I just know I’ll worry all the time.You know, he hasn’t said it in so many words, but he wants to grow up and doesn’t think he can do it here. As much as I’ll miss him, I understand. I did the same thing at his age, so I’ll let him go. I just hope he comes back here when he’s done with school.” Jennifer sighed. Debbie didn’t speak her belief that it was Justin’s feelings for Brian that would draw him back to Pittsburgh if anything could.

“This is Sunshine’s home, he’ll be back, don’t worry.” Debbie placed her arm around Jennifer and squeezed her shoulder.

An hour later everyone had arrived. Brian had picked up Justin and they arrived together. It was like old times around the dinner table; talking about work, family, and life in general. Everyone tried not to begin the night talking about Justin leaving, though they all knew that was why they were together tonight.

As the dessert was served, the members of the family congregated in the living room. Everyone looked at Ted, who finally got up off the sofa, reached inside his jacket pocket and took out an envelope.

“Ah.. Justin, we know you are leaving the Pitts to finish college in New York City. We don’t want you to forget us so we decided to pool our money together and give you this. Enjoy.” He handed Justin the envelope.

Justin looked around to each and everyone that was sitting or standing around him. He opened up the envelope, saw the check for $1,500.00 marked SUPPLIES and cut his head up to stare at Brian.

“Uh-uh Sunshine, I had nothing to do with this, nothing, nada.” Brian put both hands up in front of his body as if shielding his body from injury. “My gift to you is in the corner. I figured you might need some stimulation for your creative activities since I won’t be there to help.”

Justin looked in the corner and saw three boxes. The largest was a 27 inch flat screen TV. On top of that box was a DVD player and in the smallest box there was a CD/AM-FM clock radio. “I didn’t want you to be lonely without me to keep you busy,” Brian said with a smirk.

Molly walked up to Justin and handed him a small wrapped box. “I wrapped this myself Justin. Mom and I didn’t want you to forget us either.”

Justin took the box from his little sister, playfully messing up her hair as he did so. She pushed his hand away feeling sad as she realized he wouldn’t be there to do that any more.

Justin carefully unwrapped the small box. There were two DVD’s inside. One was marked ‘The Taylors’ and the other was a copy of The Yellow Submarine.

Jennifer said, “Justin, we had our family movies redone in DVD format once we found out Brian was getting you a DVD player. We thought if you ever did get homesick and couldn’t make it home, that you could at least watch us even if not in person.”

Justin kept his eyes on the box in his lap and the group saw the tears falling on the paper. He didn’t know how homesick he would get, but he knew watching movies with his dad in them would make him somewhat sad. He still missed having a dad, especially now Vic wasn’t around.

Lindsay was the first to come over and hug Justin telling him she needed to get home to relieve Gus’ babysitter.“I expect you over to the house to say goodbye to Gus before you leave. I’m sorry I didn’t bring him tonight but I didn’t want anyone to catch his cold. I love you Justin, keep in touch.” Lindsay kissed him softly on the cheek.

Justin stood up and hugged Lindsay tightly and then kissed her lightly on the lips.
Michael, Hunter and Ben stood and walked over to Justin. “When you come home to visit, come on over to the house for dinner. And stay in touch.” Ben extended his hand to Justin. Justin looked at it, then they both smiled as they embraced.

Hunter put his arm around Brian, looked at Justin and said, “I’ll take care of this one while you are away. Really good care.”

Brian took his thumb and index finger and removed Hunter’s hand from his shoulder. “I can take care of myself while he is gone, thank you very much.” Justin didn’t say anything but met Brian’s gaze enjoying the amusement they both shared at Hunter’s constant attempts to sleep with the older man.

Emmett and Ted came over, Emmett with tears in his eyes. “Baby, I’m sure gonna miss you. Hey are you close at all to the place you ran away to?” Ted hit him on the arm,

“Don’t remind him of that.”

Justin shook Ted’s hand, laughing softly. “Thank you Ted for this,” pointing to the envelope lying on the table beside him.

“Hey, it wasn’t just me. I’m just the one who drew the short straw. Brian thought you might hurt the one who did because you made it clear to him you wanted no help. I was really sweating for a while. Thanks for understanding.” Justin furrowed his brow, thrown that Ted would be worried about how he would receive their gift.

“It was really kind of you all. Things are so expensive in New York. I’m sure it will come in handy, very soon.” He admitted.

Justin walked everyone to the door to say good night and then hugged and kissed them all once more. When it was Brian’s turn, he walked him out to his car. “As much as I’d like to go home with you, mom made me promise to spend the night with her and Molly.” Brian leaned back against his door pulling the blond by his shirt until he was in the older man’s arms. “I’d like to drop something off at Kinnetik for you tomorrow if that’s OK?”

“What time do you think you’ll be there?” Brian asked not wanting to miss his last chance to see Justin before he took off.

“Not too early. I’m sure you’re not ready to turn in for the night yet and we both know how much you need your beauty sleep, right old man?” Justin teased, enjoying the mock irritation on Brian’s face.

“You will get it for that remark. You won’t know when and you won’t know where.” Brian warned. The sound of his voice caused a shiver to run down the blond’s spine.

“I look forward to that.” Justin reached out and brought Brian’s head down to his and drew him into a kiss that grew passionate before ending.

“You will remember where I live won’t you Sunshine?” Brian asked, trying to sound nonchalant but failing.

“How could I ever forget the place I call home.” Justin kissed the man softly once more before pulling away. “ Later Brian.”

“Later.” Brian promised.

On their way out of town the next day, Justin, Jennifer and Molly drove to Kinnetik. “I still can’t believe you found this for Brian mom. Only my mother would have a bathhouse on her list of holdings.”

“With Brian Kinney almost in our family, I figured something like that would work out one way or the other.” Justin laughed as he opened the car door.

“Mom, what’s a bath house?” He heard his little sister ask as he closed the door. No reason to hurry now, his mother would be busy for the next little bit. He leaned back into the window enjoying the lost expression on his mother’s face.

“I’ll only be in here for a few minutes and then we can get on the road to the Big Apple.”

Justin carried with him a picture. He walked into the building, saying hello to those he knew. As he passed Cynthia, she nodded and said, “He told me to tell you to go right in.”

“Thanks Cynthia. I’m sure he told you that I am leaving to go to school.” Justin paused at her desk.

“Yep.” She smiled up at him. She had always felt that in many ways she and Justin were on the same team when it came to Brian. After all Brian was a very complicated man. It took individuals of infinite patience and endurance to get through the man’s walls and into his life.

“Well I have a favor to ask.” Justin began rolling his lips into his mouth. After a moment of hesitation he continued. “ Please watch out for him, will you?”

“Justin, you know I will. You just go get smart and get your ass back here as soon as you can.” She smiled warmly. She liked Justin and a part of her was dreading the days and months after he left. She could still remember those weeks a little over a year ago when Justin had left her boss. Brian had been impossible to work with. She was expecting the next few months to be very similar.

Justin entered Brian’s office. Brian was looking at something on this computer screen, but as soon as he saw the blond head come in the door, he got up from behind his desk and met Justin half way. Justin held out the picture. Brian took it out of his hands, looked at it and then looked at Justin.

“Brian, sometimes it’s easier for me to explain what I’m thinking or feeling through my art. When I was thinking of this, I decided to make two of them; that way you have one and I have the other. It will be something I look at every day.” Brian looked closer at the work realizing that it was clearly of two men, but one was almost lost inside the image of the other. He looked up, surprised that this was truly how Justin saw their relationship. Reading Brian’s confusion Justin tried to explain. “This is how I see us now, but not where I hope we will end up. That is why I have to go. I’m hoping that in time I will once again feel inspired to create my vision of what we are together, but in the meantime I have grow up, I have to find a way out of that shadow.” Brian hated to admit it but he did understand what Justin was saying. He couldn’t imagine how hard it must be for the blond. It must have felt that his life was all but swallowed up by Brian’s. Justin’s voice pulled Brian from his thoughts. “ My plan is to draw a different one when I feel the time is right.”

Brian found it hard to look away from the work. He could feel the significance in the moment and refused to fall back into a comfortable defense mechanism. Instead he moved toward the wall opposite his desk. Removing the work that had been on the wall, he hung Justin’s where he too would see it everyday. Glancing back he knew that his actions had been right. Justin seemed happy that he hadn’t argued but instead had respected what the younger man thought and accepted his vision without question.

“Well, “Brian asked one eyebrow up. “What do you think?”

“I like it.” Justin replied softly. There was a moment of silence between the men as they seemed to say without words what neither felt capable of uttering in the bright light of Brian’s office.

“I guess I better go.” Justin finally broke the spell. Brian sighed fighting the urge to ask the blond not to go. He wanted to give Justin the space that he needed but knew that by letting him leave, he was risking the chance that Justin would never return to him. It was a possibility that kept him up at night and even now seemed to make it hard to breathe.

“So wear your ear muffs and no fucking your teachers unless they’re hotter than me.” Brian teased. Justin gave him a small smile, grateful for what the other man was doing, but knowing it wasn’t the way he wanted to walk away.

Instead he walked slowly toward Brian, leaned up and kissed him. It was a soft, sweet kiss. Brian felt overwhelmed by the strength and trust he felt coming from the other man. But then that was Justin, always trusting, always persistently going after what he wanted, never shying away from a fight. Brian sometimes wondered what would have happened to him had he not spotted this young blond under a street lamp, coming out of the mist.

“I’ll be back you know?” Justin offered, swallowing around the lump in his throat.

“Well first round is on me.” Brian replied.

“Are you offering drinks or sex?” Justin reached out playfully grabbing Brian’s shirt. It was a gesture so achingly familiar, Brian found himself unable to speak for a moment.

“Both, either, whatever it is that you want from me when you come back.” Brian replied.

Justin turned and headed to the door then paused and looked back at the older man. Justin closed the gap between them and put his arms around Brian. They hugged each other tightly then placed their foreheads together. “I’ll always love you Brian.”

“I know,” Brian said softly. “Just don’t forget me.” He then placed a kiss on Justin’s mouth and let him go. “Tell your mom and Molly hi for me.”

“OK,” Justin turned to go. As he reached the door, he looked back. Brian had not moved from the spot he’d left him in. Brian’s eyes were on the floor and he was pinching the bridge of his nose. Justin turned and went out the door, tears filling his eyes as well.

***
Justin decided that along with a couple of advertising courses he was taking during the summer sessions, he would try a different form of art than he had done before. After meeting with Mr. Wilde, who had given Justin permission to call him Richard when they were not in class, he decided to do a residency in sculpture. He had a snapshot in his mind of the last time Brian and Justin had taken Gus to the park. It had happened so naturally and yet it was one of the most beautiful moments Justin could ever remember seeing, played out before his own eyes. Justin had been sitting on the bench with Brian and Gus watching the ducks. Gus had asked his daddy to go with him to feed the ducks. It was at that moment when Brian had laid his hand palm up on his own knee and Gus had put his little hand on top. That image of Brian’s hand protectively encompassing the trusting hand of his son was imprinted on Justin’s brain, that no matter what else he tried to create, every piece of clay seemed to cry out to be molded into the shape of those two hands. He wanted to make something he could give Brian for Christmas that would be unique but also carry meaning. He was also painting and drawing as well, but he wanted to spend most of his time on the sculpture.

His advertising courses were much more fun than he’d expected them to be; one being Marketing Creativity, another was Business Strategy: Defining the Brand and the third one was Build a Great Portfolio, Get a Great Job, Win Lots of Awards, Have a Nice Life. Justin was of the firm belief this last course could have been taught by Brian, so as he listened to what the faculty had to say, he always found himself focusing on the brunet. It was one time in his life where sitting in a classroom thinking of Brian was actually productive.

While Justin and Brian were apart during the summer, it didn’t mean that each didn’t wonder what the other was doing. They were keeping in touch by phone, each making sure the other wasn’t overdoing. While Brian didn’t stay home every night, he spent more nights at home than before he’d met Justin. He still went with the guys to Babylon and Woodys, and even got his dick sucked every so often, but it was just for relief. No one came to the loft, he did no one more than once, and he just couldn’t see kissing anyone’s lips but Justin’s. He was over at the muncher’s at least weekly to visit with Gus and also to Michael and Ben’s for dinner every couple of weeks. Then there were those family dinners at Debbie’s. It was while he was visiting Gus that he heard about Justin’s studio exhibition.

“Brian, we have an invitation from Justin to see his exhibition.” Lindsay said as she waved a note in her hand as she talked.

Brian looked up from the floor where he was playing with Gus, “I guess mine must have gotten lost in the mail. This is the first I’ve heard of it.”

“Brian, did you hear what I said? We, as in you and I, have an invitation to his exhibit. This is addressed to the two of us.

“Let me see that.” Brian took the note out of her hands and read it quickly.

“He doesn’t mention asking anyone else. I wonder if he sent any other invites out to the family other than Jennifer. Let’s not say anything and if nothing comes up, let’s just make it the two of us.” Lindsay suggested. Brian nodded as he continued to read and reread the invitation wondering why Justin had sent it to Lindsay.

A few weeks later, Justin was finishing up his course work, completing a few drawings for the exhibition and trying to decide if he wanted to show the sculpture at the show. As he was thinking, Richard came up to him, enjoying the younger man’s complete immersion in his art. It had been a long time since he’d felt so engrossed. It was refreshing to see Justin lost in such a creative storm. He cleared his throat startling the younger man, who jumped then laughed more out of embarrassment than anything else and asked, “Justin, anything wrong?”

“No, no Richard. I’m just trying to decide whether to put this in the exhibit or not.” Justin offered as he continued to examine the sculpture wondering if he’d made a mistake in asking Brian to attend. They hadn’t seen each other since he’d left the Pitts a few months ago. He wondered if things would be weird. Richard’s words caught his attention.

“Why wouldn’t you? It’s exquisite and I am sure that it will be a popular piece. It may even be one that attendees might want to buy. That could certainly be lucrative for you. I’ll bet you will have offers tonight for that.” The man raved.

“It’s not for sale. It is a present for my…a… close friend. It is his hand as well as his son’s.” Justin offered, his voice revealing how personal the work was to him.

“So you do have someone special at home. I didn’t want to pry but I certainly wondered why a handsome guy like you would not be attached.” Richard was careful to keep his space as he asked Justin. He’d had too many students who had misread his interest before. He hoped that Justin did have someone at home. It would keep things simple and uncomplicated between he and the younger man.

“I’m not attached. He is someone special to me, that’s all I can say. I have invited him here, but he doesn’t know I am studying advertising. I’d like to keep that fact from him for now if possible.” Richard furrowed his brow wondering why Justin would want to keep something like that a secret. “I have my reasons.” Justin assured him. Richard smiled then locked his lips with an invisible key.

“Well he won’t hear it from my lips.”

“Thank you Richard. I appreciate you keeping my confidence.” Justin offered sincerely. He liked Richard and was beginning to feel like he could trust the other man. This was a friend who was Justin’s and Justin’s alone. It felt good to have someone in his life that was his friend, and his friend alone. No strings, baggage, or sexual tension, they were just friends and both men seemed determined to keep it that way.

***
Brian had called Jennifer and found that she and Molly were planning on attending Justin’s show as well so he made reservations on Liberty Air for the four of them. He also made hotel reservations, a two room suite for the women and a single for himself, and hopefully Justin.

Once they got to NYC, Jennifer called Justin to see if he had time to eat before the exhibit opened.

“Mom, I don’t think I could eat anything right now. How about I meet you all there? If you guys are hungry, eat before you come, but if not, we could get a bite after if that’s OK.”

“Sure honey. We can just snack now and get dinner after the exhibit. We’re all pretty excited too. We’ll see you soon.”

A few hours later, the four walked into the exhibit hall. They didn’t see Justin when they first arrived, but walked slowly around the large area. Lindsay was much more interested in all the art she saw than Brian or Jennifer, they were looking for Justin. They turned a corner and there he was. He was standing in front of a table with his name on it talking to a couple that was pointing to something on the table. Justin was smiling but shaking his head no. The couple left, but not before placing a card into his hand.

As he turned to watch them walk away he caught sight of Brian, his mother and sister. A big smile crossed his face. He took a couple of steps toward them, but they were quicker than he was and got to where he was first. Justin reached in to hug his mother and pat his sister on the head; and turned to where he thought Brian was, but found him missing. He turned behind him and saw Brian gazing at the sculpture. Justin came up beside him, touching his arm to let him know he was there.

“Do you like it Brian?”

“Like it Justin, like it? I’ve never seen anything as beautiful as this. How you can take something so common as two hands and make it into something this beautiful.”

“I’m glad you like it Brian. Do you think Lindsay would like one done of her and Gus?”

“I can guarantee she will. Let me find her and bring her here. I think you’ll have an answer as soon as she sees this.”

Brian moved away and Jennifer and Molly came up to the table.

Molly looked at the hands and asked, “Whose hands are they?”

“Brian and Gus, Gus is Brian’s son.”

“Who are the drawings of?”

“A few of them are Brian, others are places and people I’ve seen here.”

As Justin finished talking to Molly, Brian and Lindsay came up. Her eyes were immediately drawn to the sculpture. She walked over to it and ran her fingers over the two hands. She looked over at Justin with tears in her eyes.

“Justin, that is so beautiful. They look so real. It’s hard to believe that Gus’ hand is that small, but I guess it is compared to Brian’s. You have done such wonderful work here. I’m so proud of you.”

As Lindsay, Jennifer and Molly moved off to look at other exhibits, Brian came over and hugged Justin. “You’ve done good Justin, you’ve done real good.” Brian noticed that Justin was rubbing his right hand. He took it into his and began to massage his hand and wrist. “You’ve been working too hard, haven’t you?”

“Well, I had to get all this done for the exhibit. The sculpture took more effort than I am used to doing. But it worked out for the best, but I guess I won’t be doing it full time.”

Brian continued to massage his hand until Justin looked up at him with a smile of relief.

“Better?”

“Much, thank you.” Justin intertwined his hand with Brian’s.

“Can you spend some time with me….us this weekend?”

“The rest of the weekend is clear.”

“I have a room all to myself while the women are in a suite down the hall, far enough we can make some noise and they won’t know.” Brian said tongue in cheek.

“Sounds like a plan. I’m up for it.”

Brian looked down at the front of Justin’s pants. “I can tell. When you can leave, let us know. We’ll get a bite to eat and then retire for the night.”

“It’ll be about another hour. Go take a look at the other artists and I’ll come and get you all when I can.”

“Later.” Brian said slowly releasing his fingers from Justin’s as he moved away.

“Later.”

Richard had been watching the interaction and wondered why Brian looked familiar. He wandered over to Justin and asked, “May I ask the name of the gentleman that was just here with you?”

“Brian Kinney.”

“I thought I recognized him. He won a Clio Award and I was at the presentation. He works at Ryder?”

“He used to. It was bought out and Brian has his own agency now, Kinnetik. It’s a long story, but he began that agency with absolutely nothing, and it is now the most successful advertising agency in Pittsburgh, at least according to him.” Justin said with a smile. “That man can make anyone want what he is selling.”

“I take it he is your special someone.”

“Yes he is.”

“He is the one you hope to partner with when you graduate.”

“Yes, but it is important to me that I become a partner based on my credentials and not because of any relationship we have or might have had. I plan on applying for positions, not just with his agency but others and get a position, like I said, on my merit only. I don’t know how I will be able to do that with Kinnetik without his knowledge, but I hope I can.”

“We have a while to work on that. I’m sure we can come up with something. I noticed Mr. and Mrs. Shultz were really trying to talk you into something before. Was it the sculpture?”

“Yes, you were right. I could have made a killing tonight if I was willing to part with that. They offered me $2,500.00 for it. Said it reminded them of their only son’s hand and their grandchild. Mr. Schultz gave me his card and said if I changed my mind or decided I could make another one, to please give him a call.”

“Good for you Justin. It is a beautiful piece. Maybe you could come up with something for them that could be just as special, but different. They are some of our best patrons. Think about it.”

“I certainly will.”

“Justin I noticed that Brian was rubbing your hand. Is there something wrong?”

“Richard, I was struck in the head with a baseball bat at my high school prom because Brian came and danced with me. I was in a coma for two weeks and in rehab for six. Brian helped me some of my therapy. It still gives me trouble if I work too long or too hard.”

“I would never have known you had any trouble if you had not told me. You compensate very well. You’re a fighter. That will help you in the next few years.”

A bit later Justin found his family and friends and told them he was ready to go.

“I have a couple of commitments now because of the exhibition tonight. Extra money for the bank, plus a couple of the buyers are supposedly patrons of the school and its students and it may lead to more work for me in the future.”

“Honey, that’s wonderful. I’m so proud of you. Just don’t get too busy so you can’t see your family.” Jennifer said as she hugged her son.

“Yeah Sunshine, don’t forget us at home.” Brian said with a smirk.

“Never.”

“OK who’s ready for food?” Brian asked looking around at the group.

Both Justin and Molly said at the same time, “I am.” They high-fived themselves and turned smiling faces to Brian.

“Like I needed to ask. What do you two feel like eating?”

“Hamburger,” was Molly’s reply.

“Pasta,” was Justin’s.

“I could eat anything,” said Jennifer.

“Me too,” added Lindsay.

“It’s a good thing I know my way around the area,” Brian mused. “I have just the place.”

A bit later, Brian was handing his car keys to the valet outside a restaurant called Porters in Chelsea. They were seated near a window so they could watch the people and lights outside. Before they could be seated however, Justin heard his name being called. He looked toward the voices and saw Mr. and Mrs. Schultz from the art exhibit. He walked over to their table and said, “It’s nice seeing you again. I’ve decided to give you a call when I am finished with my courses this summer, before I start back up for the fall and make you a sculpture of your son and grandson’s hands. The one that was in the exhibit belongs to the man that I am with.”

The two looked past Justin to where Brian sat with the women, smiled and raised their hands in a greeting. “That is wonderful news. Give us a call to set up a time. We look forward to spending more time with you.”

Justin gave them one of his sunshine grins and sauntered back to his table. “My first commission.”

“Good for you Sunshine. Now let’s get some food so we can go back to the hotel.”

After a round of rolling eyes by those seated at the table, the group looked at their menus.
By the time their waiter came over to get their orders, they were ready. While waiting for their food, they noticed that the Shultz’s had called over their waiter and were motioning back to where Justin and company was. They saw the waiter shake his head and take off to the kitchen.

“I wonder what that was all about.” Justin said.

The group was soon to find out. As their waiter came back with their food, he was trailed by what looked to be the man whose picture was in the foyer of the restaurant; the owner/chef John Lekic.

“I welcome you to Porters. I am glad you chose our restaurant to come to tonight. I hope you are not disappointed with your meals. The Schultz’s want to treat you. They mentioned that the blond one here, Justin, is an artist I should keep my eyes out for. As you can see Justin, I am a patron of the arts as are the Schultz’s. I would love for you to bring me some of your work to place on my walls.”

“I, ah..,sure, ah…I’ll put some things together for you.”

“Good, I look forward to it. Now enjoy your meals.”

Brian looked at his Asian Salad with tiger shrimp and calamari over arugula with a spicy ginger wasabi dressing. “If I had just known I wasn’t going to be paying….”

Justin hit him on his arm, then snatched a shrimp off his plate.

Next was Justin’s Wild Mushroom Lobster Ravioli. Brian took his fork and grabbed a piece of lobster but instead of placing it in his mouth, he brought it up to Justin’s. Justin ate half and then guided Brian’s hand toward his own mouth.

Molly got the Bistro burger which was much larger than she was expecting and Lindsay and Jennifer both had mouthwatering ribeyes placed in front of them. The Schultz’s, on their way out, stopped by the table to say thank you.

“No, we thank you. This is so very nice of you to do for us; you didn’t need to buy our meals.”

“It was our pleasure, Justin and family. We hope to see more of you while you are in school here. Have a wonderful evening and also while you are here in our city. Good night.”

Later as they were waiting for the valet to bring the car around, Justin belched then said, “I am so full, I doubt I can do anything else tonight but go to bed.”

“Just what I was thinking we’d do Sunshine.” Said Brian with a smirk.

Justin, turning a bit red in the face, “That’s not exactly what I meant.”

Brian laughed softly as they got in the car and took off for their hotel. Brian and Justin said goodnight outside the women’s door, then sauntered down to theirs.

“Tonight you are mine, all mine.” Brian said as he ushered Justin into their room and began stripping off his jacket and tie. They stayed locked together as they made their way to the bed.

The morning came far too early for the two of them. They heard knocking on the door at 8:00am and told whoever was at the door to leave them alone. The knocking ceased and laughter was heard.

At 9:00, both were awake and on their way to the shower where they took their time sucking each other off, then washing each other gently. It was so much like the first morning they were together, Brian helping Justin on with his clothes. It was close to 10:00 when they heard knocking on the door once again.

Brian went to open the door and found Molly on the other side. “What do I owe the pleasure of your company this morning?”

“We want to get the day started. We wanted to get the day started a couple of hours ago but there were a couple of guys who couldn’t get themselves out of bed. Sound familiar?”

“Well, we are ready now, aren’t we Sunshine?” Brian looked back meeting Justin’s gaze.

“Here we are at your command Mollusk. What should we do first?” Justin asked coming up beside Brian.

“Well, we’ve had breakfast already. I want to see the Empire State Building and ride the Staton Island ferry. I’m sure you want to go to some old funny smelling museum.” Molly wrinkled her nose at the thought of it. Justin laughed softly.

“Molly, I can see old funny smelling museums any time. I am going to be living here, remember? We’ll do what you all want to do.” Brian looked over at Justin as he said that, aching at the realization that he was going to be living in New York for a while. For some reason he’d been looking forward to this trip as though Justin would be returning with him back to the Pitts, but the fact was that he wasn’t sure when Justin would be coming back. Brian reached over taking his hand. Their eyes met and Brian noted the concern in the baby blues looking up into his warm hazel eyes. He offered the younger man a smile realizing there was no sense ruining one of the last days they had together for who knew how long, grieving about the time they’d be apart.

“Good, then no museums.” Molly enthused as she turned and headed down the hallway not waiting for the men to follow her. Justin wanted to ask Brian what it was that seemed to be bothering him so badly, but knew now was not the time. He’d wait until later when they had more time to talk alone. In the meantime, he wanted to go out and explore the city with Brian. He hoped to make enough memories to last him until the next time he and Brian would be together

The day was spent sightseeing, eating from street vendors and walking a lot. Everyone was tired by the end of the day. They had tickets for The Lion King, so they ate at the Stage Deli before the show. Justin wasn’t sure he was going to last the entire show without falling asleep on Brian’s shoulder and he didn’t. Brian didn’t care, he was just happy to have Justin at his side, awake or asleep. Tomorrow was going to come soon enough.

Justin woke up early the next morning and spent some time sketching Brian as he slept. ‘God, he is so beautiful. How can I let him go today? How can I tell him I don’t know when I’ll be able to come home again; that it might be Christmas. What is more important? Finishing up here as soon as I can or seeing Brian and the family?’

Brian slowly woke up to the bed shifting as Justin tried to keep comfortable. Brian grabbed Justin’s hand and began to massage it. “What will you do to keep your hand from cramping without me here to massage it?”

“I guess I’ll have to show someone else how to massage it like you do.”

Brian glared at Justin as he tightened his grip on Justin’s hand. “I suggest you think again.” He pulled the younger man down and kissed him soundly.

“Brian, I’ll take care of myself, I promise. Please don’t worry about me.” Justin assured him as he pulled away to catch his breath.

“What, me worry? Why do you think I’d worry about you?” Brian shrugged in disbelief.

“Duh, cause you do.” Justin playfully slapped at the other man.

“I know you can take care of yourself. I’ve taught you to be the best homosexual you can be. Just promise me you won’t work too hard.” Brian asked, surprisingly serious.

“Yes, dear” Justin tried to lighten the mood. He was touched by the older man’s concern.

“Brat.” Brian swatted at Justin as he got up. “Let’s gather the troops and have brunch. Then I guess it’s back to the salt mines for you and home to the Pitts for us. When did you say you were coming home next?” Brian asked trying to sound nonchalant, but failing miserably. Justin couldn’t help but enjoy the attempt. He paused knowing he didn’t have a good answer.

“Uhh, I didn’t.” Justin hedged.

“Well, when is the next break?” Brian turned to face the younger man, thrown by the lack of certainty in his voice.

“Brian, with the work I picked up at the exhibition, course work, and finding a job of sorts, I’m just not sure when I will be able to make it home again. It might even be Christmas.” Justin admitted sorrowfully.

“CHRISTMAS? Brian yelled incredulously. “You don’t think you can find time to come home until Christmas?”

“Brian, calm down. I said I wasn’t sure and I’m not right now. When I can, you’ll be the first to know. Now let’s go.” Justin didn’t want to argue and he felt that unless they put this behind them, that this would be exactly how the visit would end.

Brian turned around swiftly, walked to the door and out into the hall without once looking back at Justin who just stood where he was, sighing loudly. ‘Well, that went well.’

After brunch, Justin was dropped off at his dorm. After Justin hugged and kissed everyone, Brian walked Justin up to his room. The two men had hardly spoken since Brian had stormed out of their room earlier.

“I’m sorry I didn’t handle it well this morning.” Brian offered softly. Justin looked at him meeting his gaze. “When you went to California, we kind of knew when you were coming back. Not knowing is a little harder. But I’ll hope for the best. I can always try to get away.” Brian offered. He wasn’t sure if the idea of his coming to New York was meant as a consolation to himself or the blond. All he knew was that the idea that he didn’t have to wait for Christmas to see Justin again was the only thing making this departure bearable.

Justin looked at Brian, obviously struggling with how to tell the older man something. Brian sighed then finally urged him to just spit it out. “Don’t take this wrong Brian, but don’t come without calling. I don’t want to be in the middle of something and not have time for you. That would hurt both of us too much.”

Brian closed his eyes as he nodded. This was what he was afraid of. That Justin would just drift away from him while in New York.

“Don’t work too hard. Stay in touch with the family. Call when you can.” It was as if Brian were rattling off some litany. Perhaps it was the only way the man could bring himself to say goodbye. Justin accepted his concern, understanding how difficult the uncertainty was to bear.

“I will Brian. I love you too.” Justin gave the man a knowing smile.

They shared one last kiss then Brian went downstairs. Justin went to his window and waved one last time as Brian looked up just before he got in the driver’s seat. Justin then collapsed in the nearest chair and cried.
***

“Justin, do you think it’s wise to begin taking 19 hours the first semester you are here? The courses that you plan on taking are not easy and will require a lot of work and long hours to complete the assignments.” Richard asked obviously concerned. “Not to mention the other aspects of starting at a new school.” The other man offered, “Will you need a job for money to survive? I know the scholarship doesn’t cover everything.”

“I got a small loan in addition to the scholarship. I want to take as many hours as I can each semester so I can finish the program as soon as possible. I don’t mind spending long hours doing what I enjoy. Hopefully I can work over the Christmas vacation and bank some money then. I was thinking of getting some type of work, like at the coffee shop close to the dorm for pin money. I think I can do it, but I won’t know if I don’t try. If I feel it’s too much this semester, then I’ll take less hours from now on.”

Richard sat behind his desk staring at Justin. The blond was so much like him when he was in school. Wanting to take the world by storm, assured that he could do anything he put his mind to. And he did. No, he couldn’t tell Justin not to go for what he wanted. He had to give him the chance to do what he wanted even though hindsight for Richard told him that Justin could very well burn out trying to do so much at one time. That he would not enjoy the school experience as much because he didn’t have the time to. Better for him to sign the necessary forms and be there as an advisor and friend.

“OK Justin. Just remember I am here for advice or a shoulder to cry on when things get rough. And I have to tell you, there is a good chance of that.” He made it clear that both his warning and offer were sincere before signing off on the necessary forms.

“Thank you so much Richard. I appreciate you believing in me. I won’t let you down.” Justin felt for the first time in a long time that he was on his way, back on course.

Justin was grateful for all the work he had to complete. His days were spent going to classes and finishing course work and his nights were filled with the added need to complete his commissioned works. One day moved into the other and before he knew it, two months had passed. His mother was calling him and nagging about Thanksgiving.

Justin was making his way back from a special seminar late in the fall when his cell phone rang. Pulling it out of his pocket, he glanced at the screen, smiling to see that it was Brian.

“Hey Sunshine.” Brian said brightly. Justin pulled his jacket tighter around his body as he laughed.

“It’s fucking freezing here,” Justin offered.

“It’s fucking freezing here too, Brian said as he smiled. “Your mother called me today.”

“Oh, oh. What did she want?”

“She said that you haven’t given her an answer about coming home at Thanksgiving and she was hoping I could talk you into making a trip to the Pitts to see your family. I told her I didn’t think what I said would carry any more weight than what she had said, but I’d give it a try. So what do you say? Come home and stop me from eating too much.” Justin felt terribly conflicted. He was physically aching to see Brian, to be near him, but at the same time knew that the course he had begun months before was the right one

“Brian, I really want to. I miss everyone, especially you.” He paused, his voice going soft revealing how deeply he longed to be with the other man. “But I just have too much to do before the end of the semester. Those extra few days without any classes or extra assignments will help me so much. There’ll be no one here to interrupt me. I won’t have anything else but my assignments to think about so I can concentrate better. Then hopefully I can leave here on time for the semester break at Christmas. I want as much time as I can have to spend with you at Christmas. We need that time to reconnect, right?” Justin said all this as quickly as he could hoping he could make Brian understand his need to see him and not have a single school related thing to worry about during that same time

Brian didn’t understand but would not tell Justin that. He remembered what Justin had said before he left. He needed to make his own decisions and stand by what he chose, good or bad. It was just going to be so hard. The two men disconnected each feeling disconcerted by their conversation. They were in new territory and neither was sure how to proceed without risking the possibility of losing the other.

****

Justin was worried about his assignment for his class called ‘The Process’, his only third level course this semester. He was facing what Richard had feared for him, that 19 hours was too much. He was tired from long hours on his studies as well as working in the coffee shop close to his apartment, and felt weighed down by the thought of not seeing his friends and family at Thanksgiving. He knew he was doing the right thing by staying in the city and getting caught up on his projects, but the right thing was seldom the easy thing. Justin thought, ‘maybe I should have listened to Richard and not been so headstrong. I don’t know if I can do this. I’ll give Richard a call.’

Justin called Richard’s home number and got his answering machine. He left this message, “Richard this is Justin. You were right. All this course work is getting to me. I have one assignment that I just can’t wrap my mind around. I am staying in town over Thanksgiving to try to get as much work done as I can. Could you call me when you get this message? I’d like to bounce some ideas off of you. Thanks”

Justin put the phone down. If he only could tell Brian his plans, he could bounce ideas off of him. But he really wanted to come back to Brian, his degree in hand, and ready to be a partner in all respects. He had to do this himself and not rely on Brian. Resolve in place, Justin sat back down at his desk and got to work.

On the Saturday after Thanksgiving, Richard called Justin. “Justin I just got back into town. How about I come by this evening and we can talk.”

“That would be great. I’ll be working in the coffee shop, why don’t you come there and grab a cup before we go back to my room.” Justin suggested.

“See you there.” Richard agreed.

About that same time, Brian was getting off a plane at LaGuardia and securing his rental car. ‘If Mohammad will not go to the mountain, the mountain will go to Mohammad. I just can’t wait until Christmas.’

Richard was just finishing his coffee as Justin was getting his tip money together. Justin came up to Richard, his exhaustion evident as he spoke, “I’m not sure how full of ideas I’m going to be tonight. It was crazy in here today-I’m whipped.”

“I’m sure you have plenty of ideas,” Richard encouraged the younger man. Justin looked down at the table for a moment. Richard noted the sag in his shoulders and sadness that seemed to be clinging to the younger man. “Justin, how long has it been since you’ve been home?” Justin shrugged, looking up and meeting the older man’s gaze. “What did you do for Thanksgiving?”

“I stayed in the city. I have to get this work finished. If I’d gone home I know what I would have been doing, and it wouldn’t have been school work.” Justin said with a slight smile.

Brian finally managed to park his rental car and head into the small coffee shop where he hoped Justin was working. He had stopped by Justin’s dorm room and there had been no answer so he hoped the blond would be on this afternoon and not somewhere working on an assignment. Brian couldn’t wait to see Justin’s face when he surprised him at work. Surely Justin was missing him as much as Brian was missing the blond. Christmas was a little over three weeks away, but it was too long to wait.

Richard reached out and placed his hand on Justin’s arm. The young blond looked up as the anxiety of the last few days finally overwhelmed him. He was overworked, exhausted and desperately missing his friends and family, but most of all, he needed to see Brian again. The separation was so much harder than he’d ever imagined. Seeing the blond struggling to maintain his composure, Richard pulled Justin into his arms and held him.

It was at that moment that Brian entered the coffee shop and glanced around the establishment looking for his long lost blond. His eyes immediately landed on the sight of Justin being held by another man. Brian felt his breath catch as he tried to come to grips with what he’d happened upon.

Justin pulled back offering Richard a grateful smile.

“It feels like I’m drowning,” he admitted. “I just can’t seem to catch up.”

“It’s OK Justin,” Richard offered him another comforting hug, holding the blond slightly longer than what was necessary.

Brian had seen all that he needed. He turned and left the coffee shop. He wasn’t sure how he made it back to his rental car or even onto the flight headed back to the Pitts. All he knew was that Justin had lied to him. He’d said he was staying in the city to catch up on school work, but now Brian wondered what the hell Justin was catching up on over the holiday. ‘Well I guess I see now why Justin couldn’t make it home for the holidays. Class work my ass.’

The next week at work most of Kinnetik’s employees were in cheerful moods, having had a long weekend. Not Mr. Kinney. He came in on Monday morning yelling for and at Cynthia. Nothing the art department did was close to what he wanted. By the middle of the week, every department was redoing work and doing their best to stay out of the sole proprietor’s way.

Justin had remained busy the entire weekend. After Richard had come over on Saturday and helped him get past his block, he had completed all but one piece for his Basic Graphic Design class; everything else was finished. He just had a few more classes to go to, a few exams to take and he was home free. He was hard just thinking of where he would be and what he would be doing in a little over a week in Pittsburgh. He was so happy he decided to call Brian.

“Hey Cynthia, how’s everything going?” Justin asked feeling happy to hear the woman’s familiar voice on the line.

“What the hell did you do to him while he was in New York over Thanksgiving?” Cynthia spat. Justin furrowed his brow in confusion.

“Do to him… who? Do you mean Brian? He wasn’t here over Thanksgiving” Justin defended.

“Justin, I made reservations for him to fly in Saturday evening. He has been impossible since he got back to the office this morning.” Cynthia demanded.

“I didn’t see him Cynthia. When was he due to get here?” Justin asked, feeling a growing sense of discomfort as he played out the possibilities.

“He probably would have gotten to you around 7:00pm.” Cynthia explained wondering what difference the time made.

‘7:00….mmmm….oh shit. He saw Richard and I.’

“Cynthia can I speak to him please?” Justin shook his head as he considered the chances of Brian walking in just as Richard had decided to hug him-twice.

“Let me see if he is ‘in’.”

“May I help you Mr. Taylor?” Brian’s voice was silkily soft when he picked up the phone.

“Well, I was going to tell you that I got almost everything finished over Thanksgiving and would be able to come home next weekend.” Justin said softly. He could tell from Brian’s tone that things were bad.

“And I would like to know this why?” Brian asked sounding disinterested but confused.

“I thought you might like to meet me at the airport and welcome me home.” Justin refused to play this game.

“I think I might be busy next weekend.” Brian offered nonchalantly.

“Really, doing what?” Justin sighed, wishing they could just cut through the crap.

“It’s nothing to concern you.”

“Brian, Cynthia told me you came up on Saturday to see me. The man you saw me with is my advisor, Richard Wilde. He came to help me get over my creative block, that’s all. And he did. That’s why I can come home next weekend.” Justin paused, his voice softening. “Tell me you didn’t think I was brushing off going home for Thanksgiving so I could stay and fuck someone.”

“Well I do remember someone telling me not to come to visit without calling. And that same someone also said that he couldn’t come home over Thanksgiving because he had so much work to do. He didn’t say anything about having a hot advisor who had a
hands-on policy with his students.”

If Justin wasn’t so concerned about Brian’s reaction, he would have laughed out loud. The thought of he and Richard fucking was out the question, but how could he convince Brian of his feelings. “Why Brian, you sound a bit jealous.” Justin said hoping to conjole the older man out of his mood.

“I don’t do jealous.” Brian spat, still angry.

“What do you call it?” Justin challenged.

“What time did you say you were going to get in?” Brian said changing the subject.

Justin sighed, thinking this was one more thorny area they were going to have to discuss over the holiday.

“Are you sure you want to come pick me up? I can call mom.”

“Justin,” Brian said quietly, “I’ll pick you up. What time?”

****
Justin was disappointed when he arrived at the airport and found his mother and sister waiting for him. He hid his feelings, plastering a smile on his face as he embraced them both.

“I can’t believe that I missed you.” Molly admitted, Justin laughing at her confusion.

“How have you been? You look thin.” Jennifer jumped in.

“You’ve been hanging out with Debbie too much.” Justin teased.

“Hardly. She’s too busy to do much of anything lately. They lost a couple of waiters at the Diner and she’s been pulling double shifts.” Jennifer admitted.

“I was hoping they would need some help. I could use a few shifts.” Justin admitted.

“I thought you were coming home to rest.” His mother protested.

“I am but a few shifts wouldn’t hurt anything.” Justin reached for his bag. The Taylor trio headed out to Jennifer’s car.

“I thought Brian was picking me up.” Justin finally admitted, hating how weak he felt for bringing it up. Jennifer was quiet for a moment until she pulled out of the garage.

“He called. Something came up.” His mother offered. Justin wondered if he could trust her words. He stared out of the window trying to sort out his feelings. He knew he and Brian still had a few things to talk about but surely Brian had gotten over the misunderstanding that had occurred at Thanksgiving.

Brian stood at the bar downing his third beer. He had promised himself that he wouldn’t look at his watch but found himself checking it almost constantly. He knew the moment Justin’s plane had landed. He wondered what the blond would think when Jennifer explained why Brian hadn’t picked Justin up as they had planned.

“Another one?” The bartender asked. Brian nodded indicating that he wanted a shot as well.

“A little early in the day isn’t it?” A sultry voice asked. Brian turned to see an attractive man standing next to him. He was tall, built, green eyes, handsome. Brian reached for the shot and down it then chased it with the beer. “See anything you want?” The man asked. Brian almost laughed out loud at the tricks lame ass line.

Brian didn’t say a word but instead headed to the bathroom knowing the man would follow.

Justin had called Kinnetik only to learn that Brian had been out all afternoon. He’d tried the comic store, but Michael claimed that he hadn’t seen Brian since that morning at breakfast. Moving into Woody’s Justin scanned the faces of the men playing pool. He then moved to the bar in order to get a better view of the entire establishment. He was just about to give up and move on when he noticed Brian moving out of the bathroom with what had to be a trick following him.

Justin overheard the trick asking for Brian’s number and Brian giving his typical response. Brian moved back to the bar then froze as he eyes met Justin’s. He faltered in mid stride then continued on refusing to feel guilty about what Justin had just witnessed.

“How was your flight?” Brian asked. Justin didn’t respond, merely looked past the brunet making it clear that he knew exactly what Brian had been doing instead of meeting him at the airport.

“I have to go.” Justin replied as he moved past the man. Brian reached out having come to the end of his rope.

“Don’t come back here and start judging me, Justin. I’m not the one who is fucking his advisor.” Brian spat.

“I told you it was nothing. We aren’t fucking. He was just trying to encourage me.” Justin defended, hating that even now weeks later Brian didn’t trust him. “Why won’t you just believe me?”

“Maybe I could if this was the first time you did something like this behind my back.” Brian launched, surprising himself with the reference to Justin’s past indiscretion with Ethan. Brian thought he had forgiven him for it long ago. Justin stared at him for a moment in utter disbelief.

“You lie about why you can’t pick me up at the airport, you fuck some trick in the bathroom at Woody’s KNOWING that I am in town for the first time in months and you have the gall to throw some stupid ass affair I had years ago back in my face? An affair that I’ve apologized for how many times?” Justin demanded. “You’re a fucking hypocrite!” Justin concluded then moved toward the exit only to have Brian intercept him.

“You know how I am.” Brian defended. “I told you a long time ago that I won’t change for anyone.”

“Right. And after all, I am just anyone.” Justin pulled his arm free and left.

***

“I asked him if he wanted to join us but he turned me down.” Emmett explained as he sipped his cosmo and eyed the men on the dance floor. Brian tried to appear as though he wasn’t interested, but could feel the eyes of his friends on him.

“We had a fight.” He finally admitted. “He queened out.” Brian moved his gaze from the dance floor back to the concerned gazes of his friends. “I guess he’s moving on with his life, and so am I.” Brian pushed off of the bar and moved out onto the dance floor, grabbing the first man he found that met his standards. He led him in the direction of the backroom as his friends watched from the bar.

“He’s missed Justin so much.” Michael offered. “Why would he waste the limited time that they have together?”

“Who knows? I’ve never understood Brian or his relationship with Justin.” Ted admitted.

“Don’t let him hear you using the “r” word. Remember Brian Kinney doesn’t do relationships.” Emmett offered sarcastically.

“Yeah don’t let his four year obsession with a certain blond fool you.” Ted offered rolling his eyes with Emmett.

“Hey.” Justin offered as he reached the bar.

“Baby.” Emmett cooed kissing the smaller man on the cheek. Justin smiled then furrowed his brow once he noticed Michael’s instant discomfort.

“What’s wrong?” He asked. Michael looked nervously to Emmett and Ted. Neither man offered him any support. Michael cleared his throat then decided he owed it to Justin to warn him.

“Brian’s in the backroom.” He offered apologetically.

“I figured as much.” Justin replied as he glanced toward the dance floor. He realized he was already being cruised by a couple of men out on the floor. “I think I’ll dance.” He continued then moved out onto the dance floor. He felt two arms engulf him as the older man who had been watching the blond began moving against him.

Brian moved out of the backroom then headed to the bar. He felt bored and agitated. It was as if something was wrong but he couldn’t put his finger on it.

“Have a good time?” Ted asked as he approached the other men.

“Not really. He sucked and not in a life affirming way.” Brian offered as he took up his place next to Michael. “Did I miss anything?” He asked sounding very disinterested.

“Justin’s here. He’s out on the dance floor being ever so subtly maneuvered to the backroom.” Emmett watched as Brian attempted to hide his jealousy. Brian watched as Justin continued to move against the other man. He glanced over and met Brian’s gaze. He then leaned up and whispered something to the man he was with, then moved off of the dance floor alone and headed for the exit.

Brian watched as Justin’s dance partner reached for another man making no move to go after the blond. Brian moved away from his friends and followed Justin out of the club. As he pushed open the door he glanced up and down the alley until he spotted the blond moving toward what looked to be Jennifer Taylor’s car.

He wanted to call out but wondered what the hell he’d say if the man actually waited for him. Justin glanced back up at Babylon after unlocking the car door and realized Brian was on the top of the stairs watching him. Justin leaned against the side of the car and stared back knowing it was Brian’s move if anything was going to happen.

He’d given their relationship a great deal of thought since their conversation at Woody’s and Justin had come to the realization that he wasn’t the only one that needed some time to grow up if they hoped to have a future together.

Brian moved down the stairs heading in Justin’s direction. When he was finally standing in front of the younger man, he reached for him. Justin felt himself being pulled into Brian’s embrace. He chose not to resist but to surrender to the older man. They kissed for what felt like an hour before they pulled away.

“I didn’t fuck him.” Justin defended his eyes searching the older man’s for confirmation that Brian believed him.

“I did.” Brian offered matter of factly.

“It has to mean more than that Brian.” Justin announced frustrated by Brian’s cavalier attitude. Brian narrowed his eyes.

“I fuck other men. It doesn’t mean anything.” He offered. “Never has, never will.” Brian couldn’t believe that this was coming up again. He thought Justin had accepted this years ago.

“To you.” Justin explained wearily. “It doesn’t mean anything to you, but to me, it means that I’m not enough, and I just don’t want to feel that way anymore.” He held his ground knowing he had finally reached a spot where Brian had to find a way to respect Justin’s needs in their relationship if it was going to work.

“What I do with other men has nothing to do with what I feel for you.” Brian argued, hating how defensive he suddenly felt.

“You can say that all day long but doesn’t it say something about the equity of our feelings when I don’t want anyone but you and you want everyone and me?” Justin stepped further away. Brian noted the distance wondering how Justin could possibly think that tricks had anything to do with the way they were together.

“You’ve seen me with other men.” Brian offered. “You know it’s different.” Justin sighed and shook his head.

“It still hurts.” Justin offered feeling weak for the admission, but knowing that he had to come clean.

“Don’t tell me we are back to this.” Brian stepped away.

“That’s just it. We never really got past it.” Justin argued. “I just gave in hoping you would eventually stop. I kept hoping that one day you’d feel the same way that I do.”

“Justin, we’re queer.” Brian argued impatiently.

“Right.” Justin sighed.

“We aren’t like—“ Brian began softly, reaching for the younger man and pulling him close once more.

“Straight people.” Justin looked up his eyes bright in the light of the nearby street lamp.

“Exactly.” Brian offered a small smile.

“Well I don’t buy it.” Justin replied. “I think I am like a straight person. Just because I’m queer doesn’t mean that I can’t love you, and only you. I’m no less just because I’m attracted to men. You’re all that I want and if you can’t love me that way then I have to learn to either accept that I am less or let you go.”

“We’re breaking up again?” Brian asked incredulously.

“Not really.” Justin pulled away. “I’m not sure we were ever together.”

“Don’t give me that bullshit, Justin!” Brian spat angrily. “We both know what we are.”

“Yep, a love sick kid and a dissatisfied older lover.” Justin felt miserable. How had they regressed to this point? Brian felt at a loss as well.

“Justin, it’s more than that.” Brian admitted. “You know that.” Justin nodded.

“But whatever it is or was, it isn’t enough for me. I have to grow up so that I can feel equal to you in our partnership but at the same time you have to figure out if you can love me as much as I love you, Brian.” Justin resolve was clear in his tone. Brian rolled his lips into his mouth as he felt he blond move out of his grasp.

“I’ll be in town for a few more days. I’m sure I’ll see you at Deb’s.” Brian gave no indication of whether he would or not. Justin accepted the man’s silence then got into his mother’s car and drove away leaving the older man staring after him in the cold wet alley.

***

“So are you going to talk about it, or merely stew?” Deb offered as she sat the cup of coffee down in front of Brian. Brian looked up then noted the coffee, reaching for the sugar container. Debbie took the stool next to him, glad to get off of her aching feet. “I’m thinking that this has something to do with Justin.”

“We’re back to square one.” Brian offered softly. “I thought we had an understanding.”

“About what?” Deb asked taking in the man’s demeanor.

“Fucking.” Brian confessed. Deb nodded waiting for more before she gave her two cents. “He has to know that he isn’t like the others. Never has been really.”

“And how would he know that?” She asked sincerely.

“He’s the only one that I fuck more than—“

“once. Yes, we all know that.” Deb finished his thought.

“It’s different with him. I know it. He has to have seen it or felt it. He’s been with me..”

“Aren’t you the man who came back from New York pissed thinking he’d been with someone else?” Deb asked. Brian shifted uncomfortably as he tried to find a way to explain.

“That’s different. Like Ian was different.” Brian attempted to help Deb understand.

“To you.” Deb offered giving him a moment to see what it was that she was saying. “Sweetie.” She began. “Brian,” She started again. “Justin doesn’t see sex the same way that you do. He’s never sought it out the way you have. He’s always participated as a passive participant than the aggressor. Even in Hollywood I’m sure it was more about giving him something to tell you than it was about really wanting it.” She offered. Brian knew that he’d felt that way too when he’d listened to Justin’s stories of sexual conquest.

“You haven’t been there.” Brian defended. “He enjoys it. I’ve watched him.”

“Hell Brian, fucking is fucking, of course he would enjoy it physically, but he wants more from it. It’s what he was seeking with Ethan. He needs an emotional connection and he only gets that from you. That’s why he has no interest in other men. He doesn’t enjoy it as much without that added connection.” Deb explained. Brian considered her words. “He isn’t out to conquer men. He wants intimacy. Something that scares the shit out of you.”

“I’m not scared of it.” Brian spat resenting her assessment. “I just don’t need it to get off.”

“Neither does he, but he’d obviously rather be in bed with someone he cares about.” Deb stood and grabbed a couple of menus as two men entered the Diner. Brian glanced over watching as the two men sat together, the older man reaching for the younger, pulling him into the booth next to him, affectionately kissing the younger man’s neck. Brian looked away.

Of course sex was better with Justin than it was with any other man that he brought back to the loft. He couldn’t really explain why he wanted to have anonymous sex. He enjoyed it. It was the thrill of the hunt and the ecstasy of conquest. Surely Justin could understand that, why was he being so difficult. Brian felt resentful that they were having to cover old territory. Deb returned to the stool next to his.

“So what are you going to do?” She asked her opinion evident. “Are you really going to throw away someone you care for over something that you’ve admitted is meaningless?” Brian huffed a sighed. He’d never really put it in those terms before. It made the absurdity of the situation glaringly obvious.

“Thanks Deb.” He replied as he pushed off of his stool, threw some bills on the counter, then after kissing her on the temple, left without giving her his reply.

***

Justin was working the early shift when he heard the bell chime. Looking up, his gaze met two familiar hazel eyes. Reaching for his pad he headed back to the table where his friends were sitting to take Brian’s order.

“Coffee.” Justin wrote as he reached for the table, more telling the man than asking him.

“Actually, I think I want juice and some eggs.” Brian ordered. Justin raised his brows as he marked through coffee and wrote out the new order.

“You always have coffee.” Justin offered.

“Well I guess I’m capable of change.” Brian replied his meaning obvious. Their friends watched in confusion as Justin tossed the order pad onto the table and wrapped himself around the older man, kissing him deeply.

“That looks good, I think I’ll have some juice and eggs as well.” The man in the next booth said with a laugh. Justin ignored the request as he continued to show Brian how much the concession meant to him.

“Take it back to the loft.” Deb griped playfully as she picked up Justin’s pad. Brian rose taking the blond with him. Both men knew they still had a long way to go, but realizing they’d just taken a huge step towards getting there.
****

Justin came back to his dorm room after being with Brian almost 24/7 over Christmas and the pangs of lonliness hit him hard. He was even more lonely when he entered the coffee shop to find out his work schedule and discovered that they had hired another person in his absence and would be cutting his hours. He had used that job to be around people and keep up with the outside world. Justin had to decide whether to stay and take less hours or find another position.

Justin ended up in Richard’s office on Monday morning. Richard met him halfway as Justin crossed from the door to his desk, and came around and gave Justin a small hug. “I noticed while looking at your pre-registration that you have decided to take 18 hours this semester.” Richard pressed his lips together, concern evident in his face. “Don’t forget how last semester drained you Justin. Keep in mind the hours and projects you will have to complete.” He hoped that the blond would change his mind but suspected that he wouldn’t. Justin was driven to complete the course work as quickly as possible. He suspected the handsome brunet at the art show during the summer was behind the effort.

“Well, working too much outside of class won’t be a problem since they cut my hours at the coffee shop. Now all I have to do is think of where I can cut corners to make my money stretch.” Justin said with a sigh, sitting down in one of the chairs in front of Richard’s desk.

Richard dropped in the one beside it. “That might not be the worst thing to happen Justin. Again you have chosen courses that are going to require a lot of work, and the Creative Team Concepts course means that you will be at the beck and call of your partner or partners in that venture.”

Richard took a good look at Justin and said, “You look much more rested than you did when you left for break. I hope that means you have your creative touch back” He changed the subject realizing his warnings about the course load were falling on deaf ears. He leaned in a little closer. “How was the time with your family and that special friend?”

Justin huffed a laugh and said, “Illuminating.” Richard furrowed his brow. “That special friend came to see me unannounced the Saturday I called you for help.” It took Richard a moment to understand the significance of that statement.

“Oh no, he didn’t see us and ….” Richard said lamely as he thought back to that night at the coffee shop.

“Oh yes he did. Thought my professor had a hands-on policy with his students and we were fucking.” Justin said with a grimace. Richard leaned back slightly, hoping Justin didn’t notice that he’d increased the distance between them. Truth be told, he had actually entertained the idea of pursuing the younger man, but given Justin’s misery at his friend’s misunderstanding, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to pursue an affair after all.

“You did set him straight didn’t you? Do I need to get involved?” Richard offered feeling slightly off his game.

“No, no. After he used his usual form of pain management and I queened out, we came to an understanding,” Justin sighed. Richard sensed the other man’s reticence to talk about his relationship with the man he was involved with in Pittsburgh. “Richard, sometimes I wish I didn’t love him so much but then I think of how empty my life would be without him in it.” Justin put his hands over his face.

“It sounds as though you are not the only one who needs time and space to grow up.” Richard said placing his hand on Justin’s shoulder. “You’ve chosen 18 hours this semester. I noticed you are taking Website Design. Does your Mr. Kinney have a website? If not, perhaps you should think of using his business as your project. It would give you a chance to learn more about Kinnetik and also more time to spend with him over the semester. Think about it. And if you decide to go with that idea, make him pay for your time and effort. That should help with the finances this spring.” Richard could see by this exchange that Justin was very much in love with this man, and only hoped that Kinney was as taken with Justin.

“Richard, that is a great idea.” Justin enthused, realizing that he’d need to be in contact with Brian more and it would be school related, but still not point to his major of advertising. “We had discussed over Christmas about getting together for spring break since I told him I was going to probably intern somewhere this summer, probably not in Pittsburgh.” Justin looked at Richard with a big smile on his face. “Thanks for suggesting that.”

“Glad to be of some help Justin. Remember, if you need me you only have to call or drop by.” The older man offered sincerely.

“Thanks so much Richard. Talk to you soon,” Justin looked back and waved as he walked out of Richard’s office.

Justin remained busy with classes and projects. He realized that the reduction in hours at the coffee shop was both a blessing and a curse. He had the extra time to put into his course work but was having a bit of trouble meeting the few bills he had, namely his cell phone bill. It looked as though he might have to use the dorm phone and call Pittsburgh collect. How to tell Brian that he would have to call the dorm phone to talk to him and worse, that he would have to call collect to anyone he wanted to speak to at home. How could Justin explain the situation without Brian feeling as though he had to rush in and fix it? Justin decided that perhaps and email would suffice until he could figure out something better.

Brian got home from work on February 14th finding a red envelope with Justin’s return address on it. Looking at the card and reading the sentiments, Brian decided to call Justin to say thanks. He looked at the number again when he got the ‘out of service’ message the second time. ‘What the hell?’ He walked into his bedroom and pulled out the drawer of his bedside table looking for the sheet of paper that had Justin’s address and phone number on it. When he had it in his hands, he dialed the number hoping Justin was working in his room.

“Justin, call for you.”

“Hello?”

“Where the hell is your cell phone?” Brian barked into the phone.

“Nice talking to you too Brian.” Justin said with a smile. “I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to call and let you know that I had to cancel service with my phone. It was an expense I just couldn’t handle right now. They cut my hours at the coffee shop which has been bad for expenses but good for giving me more time to work on course work.” Justin was quick to explain, trying to look on the bright side. Brian fought the urge to suggest that he pay for the blond’s cell service. It was after all Valentine’s Day. Couldn’t that be considered a gift? Abiding by the promise he had made to allow Justin to do this his way, Brian bit his tongue and pressed on.

“I got a card today. Happy Valentine’s Day to you too Sunshine.” Brian paused hoping Justin would realize the effort it took for him to say those words. “You’re still planning on spending your spring break with me, correct?” Brian knew he sounded more like a lesbian at that moment than he had since Justin had left.

“Yes, though I’ve decided it’s going to be a working vacation too.” Justin ventured, the hope obvious in his voice.

“Isn’t that an oxymoron Justin? Vacation and working are opposing concepts.” Brian offered, hoping Justin would reconsider. Brian really needed some time alone with the younger man.

“For one of my courses I have to design a website and Richard suggested that I do one for Kinnetik. I thought the two of us could work on it together over the break when we are not busy doing anything else.”

“And just how much extra time do you think we’re going to have? I believe there is skiing, fucking, snowmobiling, fucking, sledding, fucking, shopping, and fucking. Have I missed anything?”

Justin laughed. “Did you mention fucking?” He joked. Brian huffed a laugh in response.

“No, I think I left that out.” He replied, tongue in cheek. “Did I miss anything else?”

“I don’t think so Brian. Have you decided on the place yet?”

“Yep, it's called White Rocks Inn in Wallingford Vermont

. It’s a B&B and I’ve made reservations for one of their private cottages so we won’t be bothered by anyone else unless we want to be. I want you to take a look at it online- www.whiterocksinn.com. We are staying in the Milkhouse. I think you’ll approve.” Brian knew that Justin would more than approve. It felt good to be so sure of what the other man liked. It wasn’t until Brian had begun making the reservations that he had realized just how well he knew the blond.

Justin stayed busy as he knew he would. He was meeting pretty much every week with his two partners in his Creative Concepts class. They were gay and together in a relationship. Dan and Frank kept Justin laughing most of the time they were together. He really needed their upbeat personalities and the three worked well together. Their plans were to take over an agency in Brooklyn that Frank’s uncle owned and was ready to retire from. They would graduate in May and begin immediately.

During one of their meetings at the end of February, Justin said, “I’m not going to be available during spring break but if you guys have anything I can do on the project by myself, I’ll take it with me.”

“Hey don’t worry. We were getting ready to tell you the same thing. Since we are setting up shop as soon as we graduate, we thought we’d take a little vacation together during break as well. We plan on going south, where are you going?”

“To Vermont. With my boyfriend. Of course, it’s going to be a working vacation because we’re going to be working on a website for his company. But I’m sure there will be time for play too.” Justin said with a grin.

“What does your boyfriend do Justin?” Frank asked.

“He owns Kinnetik, an advertising agency in Pittsburgh.”

“His name wouldn’t be Brian Kinney would it?” Dan asked, leaning back in his chair, hands behind his head.

“Yes it is. How do you know him?” Justin walked over to where Dan was sitting.

“Sooner or later you will hear his name mentioned in certain classes you’ll take. He is well known as one hell of an ad man. Have you worked for him?”

“No, but I hope to some day. The only thing I have done for the business is come up with the name.”

“Well, we’re are on target with the project according to our timeline so we’ll just enjoy ourselves, come back and be ready to finish up.”

Justin had some thinking to do. Part of his wanting to grow up was to be able to take care of himself in every situation without anyone having to ‘help’ him in any way. He had looked up the B&B Brian had booked them in and he didn’t see any way he could pay his half. He knew if he brought up his concerns to Brian, he would flip out and give him grief because he wanted to be an equal part in everything. Then Justin remembered what Richard had said about ‘making him pay for my time and effort in creating his website.’ I’ll come up with an expense sheet for designing his website. That will work.
***

Spring break was finally here. Justin was meeting Brian at the airport where they would fly to Vermont for a whole week together. He couldn’t wait. He didn’t have to wait for long. He was standing near the gate they were leaving from when he saw Brian walking toward him. As they met, Brian looked around and saw Liberty Air’s Admirals Lounge and pulled Justin along. He used a gold card outside the door which opened and immediately inside was the men’s room. Brian didn’t miss a step but kept his hand in Justin’s as they entered a stall. Brian pulled Justin into his arms, locking his lips with Justin’s, his hand in Justin’s hair. Justin was pulling at Brian’s belt, eager to get to his cock. Brian pulled back from Justin, noting the look of lust in Justin’s eyes.

“Turn around.” Brian commanded as he attempted to push on Justin’s shoulders to help him.

Justin resisted. “I have to taste you Brian. Please let me taste you first.” Justin was trying to kneel down in front of Brian.

Brian resisted, not knowing if he could hold off an orgasm for long. But looking at Justin’s face, he allowed him to continue his descent. Brian held onto the wall of the stall with one hand, the other threaded through Justin’s hair. Justin took Brian into his mouth and almost before Justin had his length at the back of his throat, Brian knew he was lost.

“Justin, I….ah…god…, Brian whispered in broken words as Justin drank him in. Justin stood up, with a grin on his face, saying “did you miss me much?” as he captured Brian’s lips with his own. He looked into Brian’s eyes, then turning around he whispered, “Now fuck me Brian.”

Brian turned Justin so he was facing the back of the stall so when Justin shot, he could hit the toilet and not have to clean up the wall or floor. He quickly placed a condom on and lubed it as Justin was pulling his pants down around his ankles. Brian spent just moments preparing Justin then slid in. He rode him hard and fast, and Justin shot into the toilet before either man could get a hand on his cock. A few moments later, Brian had a second orgasm that was almost as good as the first. They both leaned against the wall of the stall until they felt safe moving, each man feeling more relaxed then they had in weeks.

“I’m ready to go. How about you Sunshine?” Brian asked as they were washing their hands at the sink in the men’s room.

“Yeah, but maybe we should get a drink or something while we’re here so it won’t look as though we came in just to fuck.” Justin looked at Brian through the mirror with a smirk on his face.

“You think?” Brian quipped back.

***
The trip to Vermont was uneventful and after they got their luggage they went to the Hertz counter. Brian said, “My name is Brian Kinney and I have reserved a four-wheel drive-I believe I asked for a Lexus GX470.”

“Why yes Mr. Kinney. Here’s the paperwork and the keys, we’ll get you set right up. John here will pull your car up to the curb while you are finishing your paperwork.”

As Justin and Brian put their luggage in the back of the Lexus, Justin quipped, “Well if we have a blizzard while we are here, it’s gonna be hard to find the car against the white backdrop.”

“Who said we were going to need the car once we get to our destination. Maybe I plan on keeping you in bed the entire week.”

Justin opened his eyes wide and said, “sustenance Brian, we’ll need sustenance.”

Brian shook his head, “Right once more brat. But remember there is a limousine that will take us to find food. Have you ever been fucked in the back of a 1939 Cadillac limousine?”

Justin said laughing, “can’t say that I have.”

After Justin and Brian checked in at the main house, they drove to their cottage, carried their luggage inside and flopped on the bed together. “Maybe we should think about a nap before we decide what our next move will be,” Justin suggested.

Brian quirked up his eyebrow and said, “I know what our next move will be but I agree a nap would be a good idea.” He lay on his side and drew Justin to his chest and spooned together, they fell asleep.

When Justin woke up, he went into the kitchen area and found that it had been stocked with all his favorite things. He began to fix supper as he heard Brian begin to awaken from his nap.

Glancing up from the stove, he met Brian’s gaze. “How long have you been standing there?” Justin asked, turning his attention back to the pasta. Brian didn’t respond. He wasn’t sure himself how long he’d been watching Justin. He’d wandered into the room and found himself struck by how right it seemed to find Justin in the next room and in his life. It was only when he was with the blond that the emptiness of his existence without him shook him to his core.

After eating, they went to sit on the couch and Justin took out a calendar saying, “we probably need to decide what we want to do this week and when, in order to make sure we both get in everything that each of us wants to do.”

“I believe I told you Sunshine what I planned to do while, and may I stress the word, on vacation.”

Justin counted to 10, then looking straight into Brian’s eyes he said, “And I believe I told you that it was important to me to become your equal. Part of that is paying my half of what we do Brian. You have to understand this.”

Brian sighed, closing his eyes. “Justin, you are in school. You barely have enough money to live on. Shit, you’ve given up your phone because you can’t afford it. You won’t take money from me or any one else for that matter. Please let me do this one thing for us, OK?”

Justin reached out his hand, capturing one of Brian’s in his. “No Brian you cannot do this one thing all by yourself. But I do have a solution. Remember I told you that I had an assignment to build a website for one of my classes. Well you and I are going to work on Kinnetik’s website while we are here. I can get your ideas and visions for what you want and by the end of the week, I should have it about done. And what you would have paid someone to do it for you is my half.”

“Now that we have that settled, can we fuck?” Brian asked as he got up off the couch, grabbing Justin’s hand and pulling him along.

The next morning they pulled the car up to the main house, went inside and ate breakfast. Justin was looking out the window next to their table and saw a golden retriever playing with a couple throwing a stick for her to catch. Their waiter came to the table to clear off the dishes and said, “She’s the house dog, available for you to walk or play with during your stay here, should you need the exercise.” He said this while looking between Brian and Justin with a knowing smile on his face. “Her name is Maggie.”

Justin smiled and flushed, “Thanks.”

“What’s on the agenda for today Sunshine?”

Justin acted like he was pulling something out of his pocket to look at, spread his fingers out and said, “It’s skiing today at Killington. If you’re up to it, old man.” The last couple of words ended with Justin sticking his tongue out at Brian.

“Just remember Justin, I am keeping score. You won’t know when and you won’t know where.”

“Ohhh, I’m scared.” Justin mocked. Brian gave him a warning look in response.

They skied all day and before they left they had supper beside a roaring fire. Justin dozed off and on during the ride home while Brian thought about some of the changes he was planning to make in his life and business. Part of him wanted to talk to Justin about some of the things he wanted to change but the other part told him it was too soon and to let Justin be the judge of when would be the best time. Since Justin had brought up the equality subject once again, Brian finally decided it would be better to wait.

Once back at the cottage, Brian undid Justin’s seatbelt and lifted him out of the car. Justin just settled his head on Brian’s shoulder and snuggled in. Once Brian had cleared the doorway, Justin opened his eyes, and looking straight at Brian said, “You just carried me over the threshold.”

Brian let both arms go limp and as Justin fell out of them, Brian caught the back of his shirt and held on so Justin could get his feet on the floor. “Twat.”

“Asshole,” Justin said as he took off for the bed taking his clothes off on the way. While both men said nothing to the other, both were thinking of what Justin had said.

The two men slept late the next morning knowing that this day was to be spent working on the website for Kinnetik. After breakfast they came back to the cottage, spread out paper and pencils and got to work.

Justin began by telling Brian, “What we’ve learned in class is making the site look like you are fully committed to your potential customers. We have to decide what is important for people to see first. Our professor told us that the average person sees 4 words a second, so that leaves you with 7 to 8 seconds to grab their attention. We can use a variety of things such as color pictures and video. So what do you think is important for them to see first.”

Brian had listened carefully to what Justin had said. He thought a moment and then taking a deep breath said, “I want them to know that most agencies try to be everything to everyone, but the focus at Kinnetik is to be exactly what they need. We will use our creative talents to come up with solutions that will get noticed and get results. We can do conventional if they want or we can be cutting edge , but at Kinnetik we remain driven by our focus. We will combine our approach to the marketing challenge with the power of imagination. They will know when they decide to use Kinnetik, that they will have the best people in the business who are honest, trustworthy, ethical, and hardworking.”

“Great start Brian. Where can I apply for a job? I heard the word focus more than once. Maybe we should think of how to use that word as a focal point of the webpage.” Justin began quickly drawing on the page in front of him the word focus that he partially erased to make it blurry. “It will immediately come into focus once the page comes up.” Justin began writing again and right below wrote the words-Kinnetik Creative Advertising
And below that a line that said ‘A Full Service Advertising Agency’.

Brian read what Justin had written out loud then began laughing. “A full service advertising agency. Are you sure you think that’s wise to put where people in Pittsburgh can see it? They might come to expect more than just simple advertising.”

Justin smacked Brian on the top of his head and laughingly said, “This website is not for the people of Pittsburgh. They already know just how good you are.”

“Oh that they do, Sunshine, that they do. I like it, what else?”

“I have some idea for some graphics and pictures I think would enhance the site. What else do you want people to know about Kinnetik?”

“That we are not fast talking, hard selling ad people with a slick sales pitch. Those people make me vomit, but I think most of them have relocated in Los Angeles. Do you agree?”

Justin was sure Brian was bringing up Brett Keller and his time in LA. He looked at Brian and nodded his head yes. Brian went on, “I want them to know that Kinnetik is committed to knowing their business, what that business is doing, what the competition is doing, what the industry is doing and was the audience is thinking. Is that enough?”

Justin again nodded his head yes as he finished writing down what Brian had said. Brian took Justin in his arms, kissing his throat, his cheek and then settling on his lips. Justin opened his mouth taking Brian’s tongue into his. While they played dueling tongues, Brian was undoing Justin’s shirt buttons and Justin was unzipping Brian’s pants capturing his cock in his hand. He slid his hand up and down as Brian’s cock filled and became fully erect. Brian took his mouth off Justin’s and began sliding down Justin’s torso, nipping and sucking as he went. As he got to Justin’s pants, he opened them up and sliding them down, he looked up at Justin. “You are mine Justin, all mine. I don’t want to share.”

As Brian said those words, Justin almost came. Brian sensed that Justin was close so he grabbed his cock at the base and squeezed. “You come when I say you can come.”

Justin looked over at Brian, smiling weakly as his head flopped down to the floor. “I am yours, all yours Brian.” He lay with his eyes closed and both arms out to the sides of his body. Brian looked at his position and said, “You look as though you’re being crucified Justin.” Brian then went to work on Justin’s cock. It didn’t take long and as Brian finished swallowing Justin’s cum, he looked up and saw a condom and lube in Justin’s hand. “Where the hell did they come from?”

Justin lifted his head off the floor and said, “From under the cross.” Justin smiled as he lifted his feet off the floor and placed them on Brian’s shoulders. Brian wanted to show Justin just how much he meant to him, to tell him once again without words how much he loved him. Right now it was all he could do and hoped it would be enough.

The rest of the week was filled with snowmobiling, snowboarding, throwing snowballs with Maggie and of course, plenty of loving. On Thursday, they spent almost the entire day at Handmade in Vermont, a store in town that offered many different items made by hand by local artisans. This was their gift buying day. For Gus they found handmade white pine trucks and bought him a logging truck complete with logs as well as a car carrier truck complete with little cars. For Ben and Michael they bought matching Hubbardton Forge floor lamps. For Lindsay and Melanie they decided on a lamp and matching vase made of hardwood made by Lasher Wood Works. Close by they found a store called IrishToo and here they found a “Pilgrim” jacket made with rainbow colors that would suit Debbie . They also found Donegal Tweed caps, a patchwork one for Emmett and a tweed one for Ted. In this store also they found night shirts in blue pinstripe and bought one for Hunter and then one for each of them as well. They also bought handmade fisherman knit sweaters for themselves as well as for Cynthia.

On their way out, they passed a jewelry counter. A set of Claddagh rings caught Brian’s eye. He grabbed Justin’s hand and pulled him to the counter. He pointed to the rings and then looked at Justin. “What do you think?”

“What do I think about what?” Justin answered looking back down to the rings.

“What do you know about Claddagh rings?” Brian asked.

“That they originated in Ireland. That you cannot buy one for yourself but it must be a gift. And there is something about how it’s worn meaning different things.”

Brian spoke up, “If worn on the right hand, and the heart is turned inward, the person’s heart is not occupied. If the heart is turned outward, then it means that love is being considered. If worn on the left hand with the crown out, the heart is truly spoken for. They are called faith rings. I know I’ve done plenty of things to disappoint and hurt you; but like I said at Christmas, I am capable of change. I am also willing. Will you have faith in me Justin? Do you have faith in us Justin?”

Justin looked up with bright eyes and said, “Yes, Brian. I do. I always have.

Brian leaned down to kiss Justin softly on the lips. “I wear a size 8, what size are you?” The rings were bought but remained in their boxes.

Tonight was their last night in their cottage. They were ready to be picked up by the limousine and taken to the Victorian Inn. While each had not spoken to the other, both men had placed the Claddagh rings in their pockets.

As they were shown their table, Justin was looking around the Inn, noticing the fresh roses on many of the tables. He wanted so much to lean down to someone’s table and draw the scent into his nose. There was nothing like the smell of a rose he thought. So his smile lit the room up like a candle in the dark when he saw what was on their table. There were two dozen deep red roses in a vase in the middle of the table. He grabbed Brian’s hand and squeezed it. Brian pulled out his chair, then helped him push up to the table. He sat across from him and handed Justin his napkin.

As they were waiting for dessert, Justin opened his mouth to say “Bri” and at the same time Brian began to say “Jus.”

They smiled, each knowing what the other was going to say. Black boxes were placed on the table and slid to the opposite side, picked up, opened and placed on fingers. Justin was holding his breath to see what Brian would do with his and Brian while would never had admitted it, but so was he. Hands were placed on the table and both swallowed a lump in their throat and closed their eyes against the water that threatened to overflow when they each saw the other had the ring on the left hand with the crown out.

During the ride back to the cottage, left hand was holding left hand while index fingers rubbed over the crown and hands on the rings. The ride back was silent as each was lost in their thoughts of exactly what placing those rings meant to the other. As the limousine stopped outside their cottage, Brian picked up Justin and threw him over his shoulder, carried him in the house and gently placed him on the bed. Justin put his hands out to his sides, then quickly looked down to see what his hands were feeling. He carried whatever it was back up to his eyes and saw rose petals. He looked down at the bed and saw the entire king size bed covered with rose petals. He looked up at Brian and bent his index finger toward his face. Brian tumbled onto the bed with Justin. They did not leave it until morning.
**
Brian stood outside Justin’s dorm helping him with his luggage. Brian asked the driver to remain, then looked at Justin and instead paid the man and told him never mind about waiting. As both cleared the door, Brian pulled it shut behind him then leaned against it, pulling Justin to him. He held him close, inhaling his scent. “Justin,” he whispered. “I love you.”

Justin became still as a statue, not even breathing. Had he heard Brian say he loved him? Brian huffed a laugh, “Yes Justin, you heard me.” Brian pulled Justin’s face from his chest, and framing his head with his hands and looking into his eyes, said it again. “I love you.”

“Brian, I love you.” Justin said while undoing Brian’s shirt with fumbling fingers. Hearing what Brian had said had Justin shaking all over. Brian wasn’t much better. The two men made sweet love on Justin’s narrow dorm bed, both more comfortable with each other than ever before.

On the way home, Brian had a lot to think about. He made plans to meet with Ted and his lawyer soon to get started on his new life. He had decided over the course of the week that Justin was it. Totally and he was going to start to prove it. No more tricking; though probably easier said than done, he grimaced. But I will try. I want Justin as a partner in every way. Maybe someday they could travel back to Vermont, where there is no waiting period for marriage or unions. He wanted him as a partner in Kinnetik. I just hope he’ll come back home when he finishes school. Then I could offer him a partnership or at least a job. I wonder when he finishes up.”

Justin at the same time was thinking many of the same type thoughts. I want it to be just us. I don’t need anyone else, I wonder if Brian could give up tricking. It would be cool to go back up to Vermont one day and get hitched. There’s no waiting period there. Yeah, like Brian does things like marriage or unions. I want to be his partner, in every way. I have to finish up and get a job too. Oh when will I see him again?

Justin was reved up when classes began again after break. Frank and Dan were ready to get back to work as well. After one of their class meetings, they went to the coffee shop. Justin was carrying with him his ideas for Kinnetik’s website, hoping to get their thoughts on it. As he placed his plan on the table, Dan and Frank looked at them, looked at each other, then looked at Justin.

“This is fucking fantastic. How would you like a job over the summer?” Dan enthused, while watching Frank nodding his head.

“Are you serious guys?” Justin looked at both men. They were both shaking their heads yes.

Frank motioned for Justin to sit down. “Dan and I were talking over drinks on the beach how we needed to bring the business into the 21st century. We have some ideas but would love to have an objective person helping. I know you were planning on an internship this summer. We could do that for you. What do you say?”

“I say yes, definitely yes.”

“And the first thing we want you to do is design US a website.”

Justin walked back to the dorm on cloud nine. He was glad the dorm phone was available. He had to call Brian and give him the good news.

“Hey Brian.”

“Hi Sunshine. How’s school?”

“That’s what I called to tell you. I have an internship for this summer.” Justin heard nothing but silence on the other end of the phone. “Brian, are you there? Did you hear me?” Brian rolled his eyes fighting between frustration and disappointment. He was trying to be supportive of Justin’s efforts but the separation was getting to the older man.

“Yes Justin I heard you. You have an internship for the summer. I suppose that’s good news for you.” Brian flinched knowing his feelings had bled through.

“Brian, this will help so much with my portfolio and increase my chances for a good position when I graduate. And it looks as though I may graduate in December.” Justin offered as a way of consolation.

“I am happy for you, but was hoping that you would be home this summer and maybe work at Kinnetik.” Brian dangled his idea, hoping it would be enough to convince Justin to abandon his idea of taking the other position. Justin clenched his jaw fighting the urge to lose patience with Brian. Why couldn’t Brian realize that what he was saying seemed to Justin to be undermining his efforts to become the man he wanted to be.


How could Justin make Brian understand that he didn’t want to come home until he could come home as his equal? He wanted the kind of portfolio that someone Brian would hire would have. He had to do that on his own.

“Brian, remember what we talked about before I left for school. If I come home now, it defeats the purpose of why I left. I plan on coming back a different person. Please tell me you still understand.” Justin knew his voice sounded more desperate than he’d hoped.

Brian digested what he heard Justin say, then uttering a loud sigh said, “Tell me about your job.”

Justin began again, “These guys I am partnered with in one of my classes will be taking over an advertising firm their uncle owns. He is retiring at the end of this semester and they are immediately taking over. I showed them what I had prepared for your website and they were very impressed with what we had come up with and the graphics I added. So they want me to work this summer on the website as well as assist Frank with graphics. It’s going to be great since I know what to expect from these guys and they know what to expect from me. And it will give me some real experience…” Justin almost said ‘in advertising.’ He stopped himself just in time.

Brian kept his disappointment to himself. He couldn’t say anything that would bring Justin down from his high, though he had to admit he was disappointed. “You say these guys are friends of yours Justin?”

“Yeah, we’ve been working together since the beginning of this semester. Why?”

“Well, I was hoping if they were friends, then maybe they wouldn’t mind if their employee took a few long weekends to visit friends and family at home. Hey, they could even come one weekend.” Brian attempted to negotiate a compromise.

“That’s not a bad idea Brian. I think they’d like it. I know they’d like to meet you.” Justin’s enthusiasm was contagious. Brian found it difficult to stay down in light of Justin’s optimistic attitude.

“What do they know about me?” Brian could only imagine what stories Justin had shared about him

Justin laughed as he said, “I think their words were something like ‘he’s one hell of an ad man.’”

“I think I like them already. You can work with them this summer, but it’s the last summer you stay away from home.” Brian warned, his words sounding light but his seriousness was evident by his tone

“Yes dear,” Justin answered in falsetto.

“Brat.” Brian said with a laugh.

Toward the end of the semester, Justin made an appointment with Richard for advising for the summer and the fall. He was hoping that within that time he could complete his course work and graduate before Christmas. Nothing could bring him down after spring break. He often looked at his ring and when he wasn’t looking at it he was touching it. He needed to finish so he could go home. When he thought of home, he thought not of his home with mom and Molly, but of Brian and the loft.

Justin entered Richard’s office and leaned over his desk and shook his hand. “I am ready to get this show on the road home Richard. I have an internship with Frank and Dan, my partners in my Creative Concepts class but I was hoping to maybe take one or two courses this summer and finish up in the fall. Tell me it’s doable, please,” Justin begged. Richard laughed then gestured to a chair at the table close to his desk

“Well let’s sit down and look at the rest of the courses you need to graduate.” Richard took the course catalog and a pad of paper to a table in the corner of his office, Justin took a seat next to him. As Justin sat down, the light glinted off of Justin’s ring. Justin noticed Richard’s gaze.

“Brian and I spent spring break together in Vermont.” Justin said with a slight smile while fingering his ring.

“Did you tie the knot while you were gone?” Richard asked, wondering if the ring was behind this drive to be complete by Christmas.

Justin smiled, “No, nothing like that, but he is beginning to admit his feelings. That is huge for Brian, huge. Hey I took your advice and charged him for creating a website. It’s finished and if I say so myself, it’s pretty damn good. Take a look at it: www.kinnetik.com”

“I definitely will Justin. Good for you. Now let’s see if we can get you out of here by Christmas.” Richard shifted in his seat having located Justin’s degree plan. Laying it out with the summer and fall schedule, Justin and Richard spent the next hour working on Justin’s course plan.

Unbeknownst to Justin, Dan and Frank had submitted the website Justin had created for Kinnetik to a school awards committee. The school was so impressed they selected it as one of two entries to a national competition. April came and as Justin rushed out of his room one day, the resident assistant called to him. He handed Justin a phone message that had been left while Justin was in the shower. It was from Richard asking Justin to come by later that afternoon

Justin tried not to think about it too much but found he was already forming consolation speeches to offer himself when he finally spoke to his advisor and was told he couldn’t graduate in December as he wanted.

Justin knocked lightly on Richard’s door. “On time again, Justin. Come sit down. We have a few things we need to discuss.”

Justin walked over to the chair Richard pointed to with a stricken look on his face. Richard took one look at his face and laughed lightly, “Justin this is not bad news, it’s good news.”

Richard could see Justin heave a sigh of relief. “I hate to get calls that say, ‘come to my office,’ but don’t say what for. The worst thoughts go through my mind. I was sure you were going to tell me that I wouldn’t be able to graduate in December.”

Richard touched Justin’s arm, “I’m sorry I worried you.” He pulled out the letter he’d received so he could let the artist see it for himself. “The school received a letter from the Hancock Agency naming you as their award recipient for best new website.”

“Website? What website have I done that anyone has seen besides my class?” Justin asked, holding the document in his hand rereading it himself, trying to find some clue as to what it was referring to. Richard smiled as he settled into his chair

“Well, Dan and Frank submitted your site to our school for an award that is given at graduation for the best graphic art work produced in an academic year. The school was so impressed that they selected it as our annual submission for the Hancock Advertising award. It’s a national award. That recognizes outstanding student art work in the field of advertising. The website you completed for Kinnetik won, therefore you will be receiving the Award for outstanding graphic design at a dinner here in New York in May. You are also the recipient of the school’s award as well”. Justin was speechless for a moment for a moment then collapsed into the chair opposite his advisor.

“Oh my god!” I can’t believe this. First I’m gonna kill Frank and Dan then I’m gonna kiss them.” Justin looked down at the letter once more. “This will really help me after graduation to find a job with an agency,” Justin thought out loud.

Richard laughed at the looks that were passing on Justin’s face as he was thinking through the information. “All the information is in this envelope about the award and dinner. This is quite an achievement for someone who hasn’t even graduated yet, as well as someone at your level. It will be an excellent addition to your portfolio when you are applying for positions when you graduate.” The older man confirmed Justin’s thoughts. Justin glanced up, his expression turning serious.

“I’d like to talk to you about that.” He set the letter aside, gathering his thoughts. “You know I want to be a part of Brian Kinney’s agency. Is there a way I can apply for a position at his agency without his being aware of my application until the final decision?” Richard was beginning to understand a little more about the blond and his master plan. He was in love with a successful man and wanted to insure that his own success, like that of his lover’s, came from merit and not favoritism. It was a noble quest.
“Well, as you remember, you placed on his website ‘employment opportunities.” Richard turned to his computer and pulled up Kinnetik’s site. “Generally there is a specific person within the agency that will take those resumes and portfolios and begin the process.” He turned back from the computer to meet impossibly blue eyes. Richard smiled at the hope he found there. He sometimes forgot how vulnerable and determined young people were. “He probably wouldn’t get involved until the hiring or if there was more than one candidate that looked to fit the bill, he would probably interview them at that time. Other than that, it is usually not something he would do himself. CEO’s generally trust their HR people to narrow the field. He would only be interested at the end to make sure the candidate would be a good fit for his company as well as with his own creative style, since he has the reputation of working more one on one with his art department.”

“Well, I guess that will work.” Justin offered picking up the letter once again. “Hopefully the work I do this summer will add to my portfolio as well. I can’t wait to work with Dan and Frank. It’ll be nice to be working with friends and getting valuable experience at the same time.” Justin stood throwing his backpack over his shoulder. “But right now, I’m gonna go kill them.” Both Richard and Justin laughed. “Thanks so much for this Richard, it means a lot, that you have so much faith in me. You’ve helped me immensely since I interviewed with you.”

As Justin and Richard made their way to the door, Richard put out his hand to shake Justin’s, but Justin threw his arms around Richard’s waist and Richard’s closed around Justin’s shoulder. “You deserve every thing you have gotten Justin. You’ve worked hard, overcome obstacles and have remained relatively sane in the process. I’m just glad I could be a part of your success.”

Justin turned and walked out the door with tears in his eyes. “I’m gonna find those two and make them pay for this,” Justin said with a laugh.
***
The awards dinner was held at the Sheraton New York with Brian, Jennifer, Frank, Dan and Richard in attendance. Justin had asked Brian before they entered the Sheraton, “Brian how should I introduce you tonight other than the owner of the agency I did the website for.” Brian noted the hesitancy and obvious discomfort in Justin’s voice. He sighed, feeling disappointed that his past behavior was the reason behind Justin’s apprehension

“Well Justin, how would you like to introduce me?” Brian asked softly, stroking the other man’s ring with his finger.

“Uh uh, I asked you first.” Justin stuttered, not willing to overstep the other man’s limits.

“Well you could introduce me as the guy you fuck more than once.” Brian said with his tongue in cheek.

“TMI Brian, TMI” Justin said shaking his head.

“You could introduce me as a special friend.” Justin rolled his eyes at this comment.

“No, you are special and you are my friend but you are more than that Brian.” He tried to explain. “Besides, special sounds like you need help dressing yourself.” Brian laughed in response then pressed on, enjoying the game

“How about the guy you love madly, deeply and could never live without.” Brian said tongue in cheek.

“Too many words Brian, I need something short and sweet.” Justin smiled softly, feeling his stomach tighten at Brian’s words and enjoying the feel of Brian’s fingers stroking the ring he wore, Brian’s ring. “It might be like the Oscars and it would be embarrassing to be played off the stage.” Brian nodded with mock agreement.

“Then why don’t you just say I’m your partner, because that’s what we are, right?” Brian watched the joy fill the baby blues he loved so much.

“You wouldn’t mind me saying that about us? I know you have that whole weirdness about the r-word.” Brian leaned in, touching their foreheads together.

“I believe we discussed changes and one of them is my admitting to you and any others that should ask, that we love each other. You’ve never had a problem with saying you loved me before, so why would you now?” He whispered, his breath warm and soft against Justin’s face.

“I don’t, but didn’t know how you felt about me saying it to others.” Justin admitted, hating the insecurity he felt. “These people are your peers and I didn’t want to do anything to embarrass you or cause you problems.” Brian was looking at the sincerity in Justin’s eyes and again wondered how he became so lucky to have found someone like Justin to spend his life with.

“You couldn’t do that. I’m proud to be here with you and especially proud that I’m the partner of the award recipient.” Brian took Justin into his arms and kissed him then rested their foreheads together once more before they went to their table.

There was plenty of conversation around the table with Dan and Frank picking Brian’s brain about advertising concepts, Richard steering the conversation from advertising to other topics. Justin still didn’t want Brian to guess he was concentrating in advertising until graduation. As they stood at the end of the night and were saying goodnight, Richard, standing next to Brian said, “I don’t know what happened over spring break, but Justin has been more focused and happy since then.” Brian glanced at the blond who was laughing at something Dan had just said. He turned back to the professor

“I finally realized exactly what Justin means to me and that I wanted to be with him. I know I have been a jealous and somewhat distant boyfriend in the past and want to change that. I suppose he told you what happened over Thanksgiving?” Brian asked Richard with one eyebrow raised.

“He’s spoken a little about it. I told him that I would get the guns and meet you at dawn but he decided to give you another chance before we dueled.” Richard said with a smile.

“That’s Justin. Always willing to give me another chance, even when I’m such a shit to him and don’t deserve it.” Brian paused, his admission both confusing and concerning the other man. “But I’ve made up my mind to never need another chance with him. I love him and I’ll make sure he knows it.” Brian wanted to make it clear to the other man that if he had any aspirations concerning Justin, they were a waste of time,

“Well, I’ll leave you on that thought. Goodnight Brian, it was nice to get to know you better.” Richard admitted feeling strangely protective of Justin after hearing that Kinney had a less than stellar history in their relationship. He trusted Justin to do the right thing, but had come to care for the blond and had no intention of seeing him hurt. If Kinney meant what he said then all would be well, but if not, then the ad man would be answering to more than just one angry blond.

“Same here Richard. Thanks for being such a good advisor and friend to Justin.” The two men shook hands, Richard squeezing Justin’s shoulder on his way out.

“Anything I should know about Brian?” Justin asked as he came up to Brian.

“No, I just told him that I loved you madly, passionately and couldn’t live my life without you. Oh, and that I wanted to get back to the hotel room and fuck your brains out.” He added, enjoying the way Justin laughed so easily and surrendered into his arms. God, he was so easy to please and love; why had Brian fought it for so long

“Now the last part of that I believe. Let’s get mom and move on out.” Justin said with a laugh.
***
Justin was busier with Frank and Dan than he thought he would be. The business was not as small as they had led him to believe. It was in a nice business area of town and many if not most of the businesses used the company. While constructing the website took most of his time, he also managed to design some ads and was even invited to some of the conferences that they had with the rest of the staff as well as some of the power lunches with potential customers. He was getting quite an education. The best part was that he got to go home pretty much whenever he wanted to.

Fall came swiftly and with it 18 hours of class in order for Justin to graduate in December. Justin’s plans were to get as much work finished as early as he possibly could in the semester so he could have his portfolio ready to submit to Kinnetik as well as a few other agencies.

What Justin didn’t know was that Brian was making plans based on the assumption that Justin coming back to Pittsburgh to be his partner in every sense of the word. Brian had decided to make the agency a partnership between him and Justin, though he would keep that piece of information to himself until the time was right. He’d had his will changed and named Justin as beneficiary as well as making sure Gus was well taken care of; though Brian had no doubt that Justin would watch over Gus in every way if something happened to him.

Though Brian found it hard to believe, he’d been monogamous since their trip to Vermont. Even more unbelievable was the ease by which he’d given up tricking. Truth be told, he didn’t even miss it. He still went to Woody’s and Babylon, though not as often as before. He loved seeing the looks on his friend’s faces when he stayed out on the dance floor or near the bar and didn’t go into the backroom as he had so many times before. In answer to questions, he would answer, ‘I’m finally growing up.’

Brian knew that Justin was taking a lot of courses during the fall semester to finish, so he traveled to New York more than Justin came home. They had dinner with the Schultz’s as well as with Richard and Brian spent some time at Frank and Dan’s. The four of them would talk advertising concepts over pizza and beer. Frank and Dan loved picking Brian’s brain. Brian enjoyed talking advertising with those who actually understood what it was all about. It was during one of his visits that Brian brought up Justin’s future.

“What has Justin said about the kind of job he is looking for?” Brian asked as he, Dan and Frank sat around their conference table one Friday afternoon waiting for Justin to get finished with his final class.

Frank and Dan looked at each other then Dan looked at Brian and said, “All we know is that Justin has a kick-ass portfolio. I think Richard has given him some names of agencies here in New York that are looking for creative people and I know that he has looked online and has talked to a headhunter about scouting for jobs as well. We don’t think he’ll have any trouble landing whatever position he wants.” Brian felt shocked and slightly betrayed. He’d made an assumption that Justin was working so hard to get back to Pittsburgh and their life together. He’d never really considered the idea of the blond moving elsewhere, perhaps even further away

“Has he talked at all about coming back to Pittsburgh?” Brian asked quietly.

“We don’t believe he’d think of being here if he thought he could get a position in Pittsburgh. But it’s very important that he get his position for his credentials only, not because he knows someone. And Brian that someone is you, you know.” Brian nodded, considering Dan’s words. His sense of shock and betrayal was lessening.

“I’d hoped that was the way he felt. Make sure he sends his stuff to Kinnetik. I don’t plan on getting into hiring until it’s a done deal by my staff. If there is someone better than Justin, they will hire the one best suited. I just can’t imagine anyone showing up with anything better than what I’ve seen Justin produce.” Brian’s honest reply caused both Frank and Dan to exchange a knowing look. It was the same faith they had in one another.

“We’ll make sure he sends to your agency. He’s been picking our brains about the best agencies so we’ll make sure something gets sent your way.” Frank assured the older man.

“I appreciate it guys. You have been very instrumental in his education. Thank you.” Brian added.

“Brian you don’t have to thank us. We have enjoyed being with Justin and watching him grow into the man he is today. Whatever small part we have played in his education, it’s been our pleasure. We hope we’ll keep in touch even after his graduation.”

“I know we will. You’ve seen the website. There is a link on there for clients to find other agencies if Kinnetik doesn’t meet their needs. I know that your agency is one of those connected to that link. If there is ever anything else I can do to help you, please don’t hesitate to ask. I mean I want to stay on the good side of people who think ‘I’m one hell of an ad man,’ to quote our favorite school boy.” Brian said with a laugh as the other two joined in.

Later as Brian was getting ready to go back to Pittsburgh, he brought up the subject he’d been skirting around all weekend. “Justin, what are your plans after graduation?” Brian asked trying to sound nonchalant but failed miserably once again.

Justin dreaded this conversation because he just didn’t know what to tell Brian. He wasn’t even sure himself what he was going to do. “Brian, I really don’t know right this minute. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things; sending my resume and portfolio to some of the agencies Richard has suggested. He’s also suggested that I go to the job fair where there will be representatives from many of the businesses that want graduates of SVA; no matter what major they finished,” Justin offered, hoping his answer would satisfy his lover.

“By the way Sunshine, what is your major?” Brian asked with a smirk.

Justin figured he would have to come clean with Brian at some point and figured now was as good a time as any. “It’s a wonder you’ve not held me down and questioned me before now.” Justin gave Brian a mischievous smile.

“Holding you down, now you are giving me ideas,” Brian teased back, moving up to encircle Justin’s waist with his hands.

“Well let’s see,” Justin pressed closer to the man whispering against his neck. “I designed your website, I won a graphic art award, I spent my summer interning at an advertising agency.” He paused, looking into the warm hazel eyes he loved. “Care to make a guess?”

“Proctology?” Brian teased.
“Well, I’m sure there has been a fair share of ass kissing over the last couple of years, but no, not my major.” Justin laughed softly. “Want to try again?” Brian remained silent, knowing the answer and finding himself surprised by it,

“ I am finishing a degree in advertising with a specialty in creative design.” Justin offered, leaning up to kiss Brian’s lips. He pulled back to find a satisfied smirk on the other man’s lips.

“Very practical in today’s market. What do you plan on doing with it?” Brian asked, remembering his earlier conversation with Dan and Frank and trying to keep his expectations realistic.

“Get a job…on my own Brian. On my credentials alone.” Justin said quietly hoping Brian still understood his need to be his own man.

“Well I have to agree with Frank and Dan, you won’t have any trouble finding a job. What you are going to struggle with is which job to accept. You will probably have multiple offers and you are going to have to sit down and look at them all carefully.” Brian swallowed his own desires as he continued, “I’ll be happy to go over them with you to see which offers you the most opportunity.” Justin read the sacrifice in Brian’s words and kissed him once more

“I know what I want to do in my career and hopefully one of the offers will give me exactly what I am looking for.” Justin wished he could explain fully what it was he wanted, but knew he couldn’t in any way get Brian involved in his being offered a position at Kinnetik

“I hope so Justin, I hope so too.” Brian admitted, realizing that the only way Justin would be at Kinnetik was if he was offered the job and if it gave him all that he was looking for. The ad man realized the chances of his company’s offer matching something from one of the larger New York firms was slim to none. Still he forced himself to respect Justin’s wishes. It was the least he could do for the man that he loved.


***
In November Justin went to a job fair held at SVA with his resume and portfolio in hand. Part of this job fair was presenting your portfolio to a group of men and women from various agencies in a closed hall. They had taken everyone’s resume in earlier and were now calling people in to present their portfolios. Justin was nervous but also knew his portfolio was as solid as his resume. Having letters of recommendation from Richard, Tony Palladino-an advertising art director he’d had a class under and had helped him with a successful campaign, and Anne Benkovitz who owned Design Magic and had used some of his concepts in her company’s work, all of these opportunities were going to help him in a big way to get the job of his dreams. He knew that Kinnetik had a representative in the group, though he didn’t know which person in the room it was.

When Justin left the room he wiped his brow not surprised to find it damp. He felt as if he’d been run over by a Mac truck, but realized he’d done the best job he could have in presenting his work. The group seemed to be impressed and Justin had to wonder how long before he would hear anything. He sighed with relief, elated that the interviews were over. All he had left to do now was finish his last few projects, then attend graduation. Graduation-he was finally going to graduate. He was finally going to get on with his life. He had almost two years of pretty much being on his own and finding his own way and it felt good. He knew he was more independent, more confident, and more self sufficient than he would ever have been had he remained in the Pitts.

Justin figured he’d better find out what was being planned for graduation. He moved down into the subway station wondering where graduation would be held. As he settled into a seat, he found himself thinking of his future. As he did so, all he could see clearly was Brian.

The first week in December Justin had requests for a second interview with three businesses from the job fair. Again they were coming to New York City so Justin had no idea which of the companies that he had interviewed with wanted the second interview. Well, he would do the best he could and hopefully get the best job that he could get. If it wasn’t with Kinnetik now, maybe it would be later.

All three interviews went well. Justin was overjoyed to learn that one of the three interviews was with Kinnetik. Even though all three companies asked the same questions, he liked the style of the Kinnetik representative the most. Trying not to get his hopes up, he moved out of the building realizing that the woman he’d just spoken to held the power to make all his dreams come true

Graduation day was finally here. Justin was graduating with honors as well as being presented with two awards. Brian, Jennifer, Molly were in the audience as well as Mr. and Mrs. Schultz along with Frank and Dan. When Justin’s name was called by Richard, his family stood up and cheered. Richard hugged Justin before Justin looked at his family from the stage and waved his diploma at them before exiting the stage. At the cookout later, he couldn’t keep the smile off of his face. He had gotten two offers for positions in the mail, one from a firm in New York City, the other one in Boston. He hid his disappointment at not being selected by Kinnetik by taking solace in the fact that it had been HR’s decision and Brian had nothing to do with it. Surely if he did well at either of the two firms where he had offers, then Kinnetik would one day want to add him to their staff as well

Brian watched as Justin sat daydreaming, sitting apart from everyone else. Removing an envelope from his pocket, Brian sat next to the blond on the bench. He handed the envelope to Justin and added a sincere caveat. “I want you to be aware that I had nothing to do with this. You were selected from a small group of applicants that had second interviews. My people did not ask my opinion, they gave me your resume with their recommendation. And their recommendation was for me to hire you as quickly as possible as they knew others were going to make offers as well. They made it crystal clear that we needed you at our agency. So here is an offer for employment. I hope you will consider it.”

Justin sat dumbfounded for a long moment, staring at the envelope in the older man’s hand. Reaching for it, he couldn’t believe that he’d been offered a position with Kinnetik. Suddenly it was as if all the long hours and endless days were worth it. He’d set a goal for himself and had achieved it.

“I don’t have to look at this,” Justin looked up to meet Brian’s gaze.

“You should,” Brian advised him. “You have to do what is best for you,” he offered sincerely.

“I know what’s best for me. I’ve known it all along,” Justin leaned up, kissing Brian’s lips. “I accept Mr. Kinney.” He pulled back after giving his response to the offer.

Brian turned around, his arm around Justin and yelled, “Everybody, Justin has a job.”

Jennifer looked over at Justin and Brian, “Where Justin, where’s your job?”

“Pittsburgh mom, I’m gonna be working with Brian at Kinnetik.”

Among the cheers and well wishes were two men who never quite took their eyes off of each other as Justin accepted the congratulations from those attending. Both couldn’t wait until they could be alone to share their happiness with the other. It seemed the party would never end. A few hours later, people began leaving so Brian said their goodbyes to the others, took Molly and Jennifer to their hotel and Brian and Justin went to his dorm room to finish packing it up.

As they entered the room, Brian locked the door behind him. Justin looked back with a question in his eyes. “I thought we were going to pack up the room, pick up Mom and Molly and head back home?”

“We are Sunshine, but I have waited all day to be alone with you and I want to enjoy a little time with you first, just the two of us. I need to make love to you Justin, this is the beginning of something new for us and I want to begin right now.”

“You don’t have to ask twice Brian,” Justin said as he began shedding his clothes. He never took his eyes off of Brian, nor did Brian take his eyes off of Justin as he too shed his clothes. Justin was quicker and was helping Brian out of his pants, kissing his way down Brian’s torso. Brian grabbed both Justin’s arms and stood him back up and took his lips onto his own. He spun around, laying on the bed bringing Justin on top of him. Both men’s hands were all over the other, realizing it had been far too long since they had made love to the each other. Leaking cocks were rubbing against the other, driving both insane. Brian flipped Justin below him and took the lube off the bedside table and began preparing Justin. Justin had his eyes closed as his senses were overcome with pleasure. He felt the head of Brian’s penis at his hole and realized he had not heard a condom wrapper opening. His eyes flew open and stared right into Brian’s who had been waiting for Justin to realize what was happening.

“Brian?” Justin asked tentatively. Surely Brain had planned in advance and had the necessary supplies.

“Brian, what is going on? Where’s the condom?”

“You’ve been tested right Justin? And you are negative. You told me that your last test was negative while we were in Vermont. You haven’t been with anyone since have you?” Brian asked, hoping Justin wanted this as much as he did.

“You know I haven’t Brian. I’ve only been with you for almost two years. So?” Justin tried to keep the hope out of his voice, but failed.

“Well I haven’t been with anyone since Vermont except for you Justin. I had a test three months from that time and again at six months and it’s negative so…what do you think?” Brian asked, willing to accept whatever Justin wanted. “Can we forego the condoms from now on?”

As Justin stared in wonder at Brian, he also pushed against Brian’s cock still held against his hole. “I guess you have your answer Brian, make love to me.”

Neither man had experienced barebacking before and were undone quickly by the intensity of the feelings created without a condom. Justin couldn’t believe how big Brian felt inside of him and Brian was overcome by the warm silky tightness of Justin. As Justin came, he could feel Brian pulsating deep inside of him and feel the warmth spread and then seep out his hole.

As they lay holding each other, their breathing began to return to normal, Justin sighed in satisfaction against the older man’s chest. “That was incredible” Brian was thinking ‘the intensity of the feelings without a condom was unbelievable. Why did I wait so long.’

As Brian was getting dressed he looked around Justin’s dorm room and noticed a painting. It almost looked like the one Justin had painted for him before he left for school, but there was something a bit different about this one. As he was buttoning up his shirt, he moved over to the wall to get a better look. Justin sat back on the bed watching Brian, but not saying anything. The figures in the painting were still contrasted against a black background, but the two figures were now distinct. They were looking at each other, hands touching, with a source of light that almost looked like a heart surrounding them. Brian looked a few moments longer, touching the two figures in the picture, then turned around to find Justin.

“I take it this is the new picture Justin.” Brian said smiling.

“Yes Brian. What do you think of the change?” Justin asked as he stood up and walked over to Brian putting his arm around Brian’s waist.

“I think it was a long time coming, but I think this shows us as we are now. This one goes up in our office and the other one comes down.” Brian turned from the painting, taking the younger man into his arms. “I love you Justin Taylor,” they kissed softly, “let’s go home.”

“I love you Brian Kinney. Yeah, let’s get this show on the road.” Both men realized that neither man’s life would ever be the same. And neither could wait to get started on that new life-together. Each had spent the last two years working on their relationship and now realized that it was truly a masterpiece, a work that could only be created by love, something only understood by those who believed in the art of the heart.

 

March 10, 2005

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