Justin wasn’t sure how long they had been standing there. Brian was still wrapped around him from behind. He was alternately mumbling something into Justin’s hair and kissing his nape. Justin allowed himself a moment to bask in the luxuriousness of being held in Brian’s arms before he did what he knew he had to do. 
		
He brought one of Brian’s hands up to his mouth and gently kissed the back of it. He flipped the hand over and kissed the palm. Then, he started gently pushing Brian away with his shoulders. He could feel the resistance in Brian’s arms, but eventually they gave way. Justin pushed himself from the metal door and turned himself in Brian’s arms. He knew he had to do this correctly, had to make sure that Brian understood that he was worthy of someone’s love. Someday…

“Brian,” Justin began, “I’ve always known that you love me.” He could see that Brian was about to interrupt. “I have, Brian. I know you love me. You have shown me that fact in many ways since we’ve met. Unfortunately, I need more than to just know it. I need to hear it. I need your actions and reactions to show it, to show that I am more important than what anyone else thinks or says. But that’s what I need. What you need to realize is that there is someone out there that is worthy of your love, and, more importantly, that you are worthy enough to have their love.” Brian’s face was crestfallen. It was almost enough to stop Justin from continuing. He refortified himself with his inner strength and continued, “Unfortunately, I think our time and realizations have come too late. We hurt each other, Brian. We cause each other pain. I love you too much. Hell, I love us too much to continue this as it is. We both deserve better than this.” 

Justin, having said what he knew needed to be said, leaned under Brian’s arm and deftly extricated himself from Brian’s embrace. Quickly and chastely kissing Brian’s cheek in a final farewell, he turned to go, reaching for the cell phone in his pocket to call his mother and let her know that he was on his way down to the car. 

“And that’s all there is?” Brian asked, still facing the metal door, not budging an inch. “Justin decides that we are no longer good for one another and that is it? Justin decides that our love isn’t healthy and that’s it? Well, fuck you, Justin. I give you what you want. What you have claimed to have needed all along and you still walk out….Just like always. Things are not perfect in ‘ittle Justin’s world and he runs.” 

“I’m not running this time, Brian. I’m thankful to finally hear those words, but I think they are just too late. We’re toxic to each other. I’m stopping this for each of our sake’s, before we do more damage than can be repaired. I’m thrilled that you recognize the love within you. You are so good with Gus, with Lindsay, with Michael. Due to unfortunate circumstances, you don’t- or didn’t- think you were capable of the relationship type love. So, while it pains me more than you will ever know to say this, I’m thankful that you know you are capable of giving and receiving love; it just can’t be with me. I can’t live in fear all the time. Wondering when someone will say or do something that you once again don’t like and use it to hurt me. Love isn’t about hurt, Brian.” 

“Yes, yes,” Brian snarled as he turned to look at Justin, and then began pacing back and forth in front of the door. He was effectively barring Justin from exiting the loft, “We know all about how you feel. Justin has his feelings hurt. Justin didn’t like this. Justin didn’t like that. Don’t treat Justin like this. Or don’t treat Justin like that. Well, sunshine, what about me? Are you telling me that none of my feelings count or matter in this situation? The fact that you ripped my heart out, stomped on it, exposed it for all of Liberty Avenue to see, and then left me to deal with the aftermath of the Justin tidal wake counts for nothing, huh? The fact that for months I hired look-a-like hustlers to pretend you were here with me? That, too, apparently counts for nothing.” Brian paused a moment to look significantly at Justin. Seconds later, he continued his tirade, “I thought you knew who I am…what I am. I thought, finally someone gets me! I’ve opened up to you more than anyone in my life. I’m doing the best I can. Are you telling me that our love isn’t good enough, isn’t doable unless it’s exactly as YOU think it should be. Well, fuck that. Love, to me, isn’t about catering to anyone. It’s about loving that person for one thing: Being themselves. It isn’t about change. It isn’t about sacrificing. It’s about knowing that person and their faults and loving them INSPITE of them. Letting the person you love be themselves!” Brian was breathing hard, every breath looked to be harshly inhaled and exhaled from his mouth and nose. His hands, that a moment ago had been outlandishly expressive, practically flailing wildly, were now serenely and gently holding his head. His fingers were partially carding his hair. 

“Brian?” Justin tentatively spoke. He had never heard Brian speak so freely, so openly. He really wasn’t sure what to make of it. The truth was that Justin could feel his internal resolve melting away like chocolate in one’s hands on a sunny, hot, summer afternoon. There was a part of him that wanted to just throw his arms around Brian and make all the bad feelings go away for Brian. To the contradiction, there was also a part of him that still wanted to slap the shit out of Brian for all the antics that he had pulled. Why, Justin thought, couldn’t love be easy? Why was it so much hard work? Was anyone out there just in love and blissfully happy? Justin stopped his line of thinking. Brian. He needed to finish this, some way, with Brian. 

Brian, he noticed, had not responded to his inquiry. He just stood there with his head in his hands and was still breathing rather harshly. Justin walked timidly up to him and tried to get his attention again by whispering, “Brian?” Justin cautiously reached out a hand to touch Brian’s shoulder just as Brian slowly pulled his hands from his face to look at Justin. Justin immediately withdrew his hand back to his side and never laid the comforting hand on Brian’s shoulder. 

Staring intensely into his blue eyes, Brian’s look never wavered. His eyebrow arched in a questioning manner and Justin took it to mean that he was waiting for Justin to speak. “I don’t know what to say. I never knew that you felt that way, so passionately about us. Hell, about me. I wish I knew what to say, but I don’t.” 

Brian choked a laugh, kind of gave a half huff, and gave a shrug. “That’s a first.” Justin waited for him to continue, but, characteristically, he didn’t. 

“I would have loved to have known this before now.” Justin told Brian with a small, half smile. Brian simply shrugged in a capricious, almost non-concerned way and turned partly away from Justin, so that Justin could no longer look Brian directly in the eyes. 

Justin bit his lip and thought about how he wanted to get the next part out. He quickly rubbed the back of his head, messing up his hair. “So, what do we do now?” he quietly, but somehow forcefully asked. 

“No idea,” Brian carelessly and immediately responded. He still did not look towards Justin. 

“Maybe we need a couple of days to think things through.” Justin offered, really just wanting Brian to start talking again; yet, somehow knowing that it was a lost cause, at least for now. 

“Maybe,” was Brian’s non-helpful, harsh response. The response, once again, was shot back almost immediately. Brian reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. Justin watched as he tapped the package a time or two on the palm of his hand, skillfully removed a cigarette, placed the cigarette in his mouth, and returned the package to his pocket. Brian then reached into his other pocket withdrew a lighter and lit the tip of the cigarette. He inhaled, held it, removed the cigarette from his mouth, and released the smoke entirely through his nose, while shoving the lighter back into his other pocket. Justin thought it was probably a weird thing to find beautiful, but he did. 

The cigarette seemed to calm whatever inner beast was eating at Brian because he suddenly turned to Justin and nastily said, “You best be going, sunshine. I’m sure mommy is tired of waiting.” 

Justin briefly closed his eyes to hide the pain that he knew was in his eyes. The part of him that wanted to find a way to work things out was always, it seemed, the part of him that was most hurt by Brian’s callousness. You’d think he would know that about Brian, understand it at this point. But, for some reason, he didn’t. It always hurt. It was quick, sharp, and brutally painful. 

“I think she understands that we have things to talk about, Brian,” Justin assured Brian. “She knew what she was doing when she brought me here. But I do think that I should go to Debbie’s and we can talk in a few days when we’ve both had time to digest what has been said here today.” Justin took a step closer to Brian. “I really want to continue this, Brian, but I think that we both need a break. I’m just out of the hospital.” When Justin said that, Brian’s eyes flew to his in a questioning manner. Justin was almost relieved to see the concern in Brian’s eyes. He hadn’t consciously been seeking an emotional response from Brian, but it was nice to get it. Justin gave him a little nod to let him know that he really was fine. There was no sense in making Brian worry unnecessarily or to be cruel. “What do you say, Brian, to us meeting for dinner two days from tonight? We can meet somewhere away from Liberty avenue and just talk. See if there is anything left. I can give you or Cynthia a call tomorrow to finalize the plans, and we can have this out on neutral grounds.” 

“I’m not sure, Justin, that I have a choice. You’ve made it quite clear that we are on your schedule.” Brian said. 

“This isn’t about me or you. It’s about us. I want to sit down and finally talk about us. Is there an ‘us,’ Brian? Can there be an ‘us’ from here? All I can tell you is that there can’t be for me- unless we sit down in neutral territory and be honest with one another. ” Justin implored Brian. 

Brian sighed loudly. He walked over to the refrigerator and retrieved two bottles of water. He opened them both, throwing the lids into the trash canister that was underneath the kitchen counter. Before taking a sip, he brought one to Justin. Justin took it and thanked him for it. As Justin was taking his first sip, Brian responded, “I guess I owe you that much, don’t I?” 

Justin got caught in the surprise of Brian’s words and spewed water. He coughed a few times and wiped his mouth. Brian was smirking at him. Fucker, Justin thought, he did that on purpose. Justin pulled a classic Kinney and arched his eyebrow at him. Brian gave him a ‘you caught me’ look and nodded. “When and where do you want to do this, Justin?” 

Justin gave him a large smile. Maybe, just maybe, there was some hope, after all. “Let’s meet in the park and have a picnic.” Justin, of course, had waited until Brian was taking a drink of his water. His SAT score, after all, was 1500.