Justin had just finished his nurse aided shower when his mother arrived. With the help of the male nurse, he slowly got into bed and pulled the covers up. He gave his mother a smile in greeting. ‘How are you feeling?” she asked with a kiss to his forehead, once he was settled. “Not too bad. I don’t think I realized how sick I was. I just thought it was part of the radiation treatments, not a separate issue. As it is, I actually feel pretty good. My appetite is definitely returning.” He leaned closer to his mother and whispered conspiratorially, “I would kill for a cheeseburger from the diner. Just the thought of a big cheeseburger with onions, mustard, and bacon, makes my mouth water.” His mom laughed and whispered back, “Well, I guess you are feeling better. I’ll see what I can do!” Justin smiled his thanks. The male nurse, who had been cleaning up after Justin’s shower and removing all the dirty linens, said with a mischievous smile, “I’m all done in here. Have a great day, Mr. Taylor, and I didn’t hear anything about a cheeseburger.” And with that said, the nurse left the room and quietly closed the door behind him. Jennifer and Justin looked at one another and had a hearty laugh. “So, have you heard from your oncologist?” his mother asked as she took a seat in the nearby visitor’s chair. ‘The nurse that came in to take my vitals before my shower said that he should be in before lunch. I’m not sure what to expect. Do you think they’ll stop the radiation treatments?” “I have no idea,” his mother said. “I would imagine that it might be an option considering how sick you were. I’m sure they don’t want a repeat of an infection that was so serious.” Justin nodded. “Well, I can’t say that I would be all that upset if they decided to stop them.” “I would imagine not,” his mother agreed. “Listen, Justin, I think you should know that after our talk last night, I called Brian.” “Why the fuck would you do that?” he snarled at his mother. “I can’t believe this. Why would you do this? You knew I wanted to think about it- That I need to come to terms to what’s happened on my own.” “Because I think it’s more important that the two of you talk. Nothing can be decided until you two know where the other stands. So, I called him.” “I cannot believe that my mother is taking Brian fucking Kinney’s side.” “Justin,” his mother interjected, practically commanded, “I am NOT taking his side. I just don’t want to see you both make a horrendous mistake. If, after talking, you still feel that going in different directions is what is best, I’ll support you completely. Until then, well, I think you should talk.” “Yes, you’ve made that abundantly clear,” Justin said with obvious disdain. “Good,” she said, “I want you to understand where I’m coming from. I’m doing this for, not Brian and not me. You.” That was the last his mother said anything about her opinions on the matter until the next day when he was released from the hospital. While it had been a hard decision, he’d decided that he wanted to go back to Deb’s house for awhile. She had happily agreed, and Carl and she were currently waiting for him to arrive. They had both taken the day off to help him settle back in. As they were packing his things up and waiting on the wheelchair to take him down, his mother let it be known that they were making a detour before heading to Debbie’s. “And where would that be? Aren’t Carl and Debbie waiting on us to arrive?” Justin asked his mother, giving her a genuinely perplexed look. “You’ll see,” she mysteriously responded. “And before you ask, yes, Carl and Debbie know about this.” It didn’t take long at all for Justin to realize where they were headed. “You’re forcing the issue now? The first day I’m out of the hospital? You have got to be fucking kidding me.” “Yes, I am,” his mother haughtily responded as she parked near the building on Tremont. She got out and helped him out of the car. “Forcing the issue, that is, and no, you don’t have any say in this.” She took him by the arm and got them carefully into the building, despite Justin’s obvious unwillingness. While waiting for the elevator, Justin asked, “So, you really think this is the best thing I can do?” “Yes, I do. As I have said several times now, I’m not telling you to go back to Brian. I’m asking you to talk to him. Neither one of you can continue as things are. Either fix it or walk away, but don’t keep each other hanging. I grappled at my own relationship with you father for far too long, and, in the end, I regretted it. You think I don’t know that you think it was about you? It wasn’t. It was about him, and it was about me. No one else, Justin, so I’m asking you to not linger on with Brian- either fix it or walk away, but talk to him and make that decision. ” His mother practically pleaded with him. She lifted the main door to the elevator and beckoned him in. “Fine,” Justin said as his mother closed the door and selected the top floor. “But don’t expect this to end prettily. Take me into the loft, and I’ll call you when I’m done.” “That sure that I’ll need to pick you up?” she asked. “Completely,” Justin responded with a firm voice. Brian was waiting at the top floor with the metal door open. Justin could see that he was not going to play fair as he was only wearing a pair of jeans that weren’t even properly buttoned. Justin sighed quietly to himself. Sometimes he hated the animal magnetism that Brian Kinney had over him. Fine, he thought, I’ll make sure that that doesn’t play into the conversation. Brian started to walk towards Jennifer and him, but Justin put up his hands in a stopping manner, “No. No touching. No rubbing the back of my neck. No kissing me to make me shut up. I’m here to talk and nothing else.” Brian didn’t seem overly surprised by Justin’s actions or comments. He nodded and waved them into the loft. Jennifer helped Justin onto the couch and let them know that she’d be outside in the car- a mere phone call away. When she left, the room was very quiet. Brian was looking out one of the big windows and Justin was waiting on Brian. After about 2 minutes of quiet, Justin was done. “Well, this was enlightening. Garrulous as always, Brian, thanks. Let me call my mother and I’ll be out of your hair for good.” Justin started to hit the speed dial for his mother when Brian finally spoke. Justin stopped mid-motion. “Please don’t.” Brian whispered. “Please don’t what?” Justin asked. “You aren’t going to make this easy, are you?” Brian asked with a self-deprecating laugh. He turned to look at Justin and the pain on his face was unmistakable. “No,” Justin honestly answered with no fluff or fake niceness. “Please don’t go,” Brian said, staring him directly in the eyes. “And why shouldn’t I?” Justin asked, trying to keep Brian on the defensive. He knew that otherwise, he’d probably cave. He didn’t want to cave this time. “Because I have a few things I want to say to you.” Brian said, walking closer to Justin. “Well now, that’s a first, isn’t it? Personally, I think you’ve said plenty recently, or rather showed me plenty. You know, that saying, 'actions speak louder than words' thing.” “Fuck, Justin, will you give me a moment to say what I have to say,” Brian said, obviously exasperated. “Be my guest,” Justin sarcastically said. “Jesus Christ, Justin, will you cut the shit and let me talk?” Brian pleaded again. “If you must,” Justin said, beckoning with his hands for Brian to get this conversation going, “But personally, I think we’ve both said enough and done enough to each other to last a lifetime.” “Fuck you, Justin. You claim to know who I am, how I work, but you let this get to you. You know this wasn’t about you. It was about me! Me! I wasn’t trying to hurt you. I was doing it for me.” “You?” Justin screamed. He slightly calmed himself down and continued in a less loud tone, “You? No, Brian, it was not just about you. Someone said something that Brian Kinney didn’t want to hear, and once again I am punished for it. Me, not you! You got to have your trick and fuck it, too. All is well in Brian Kinney’s legendary mind! Only, you forgot one little thing, Brian…” Brian looked stricken. He looked as if he was about to say something, but thought better of it. His intense stare pleaded with Justin to continue, though Justin could tell that Brian knew he wasn’t going to like that he had to say. “Motherfucker,” Justin spat. “You forgot that you weren’t punishing yourself. Hell, you weren’t even punishing Lindsay for what she said. No, once again, Justin gets the big fuck you! Fuck you, Brian, fuck you. Dear God, you said you wanted to help me through my good and bad times. Well, Brian, here’s a newsflash for you- you are my bad times. I’d rather deal with a hundred radiation treatments than be fucked over by you again. Damn it, Brian, I have given into you over and over. You wanted to trick. I dealt with it. Sure, in some ways, I like it, too, but not like you. So, again, I dealt with it. You won’t, not can’t, love me- Won’t. Fine, I try to love you enough for the both of us. But that isn’t good enough anymore, Brian. You want me to be the best homosexual that I can be? Well, that means standing up for my rights, my beliefs. And yes, that’s even if it means standing up to you. What you did that night with that trick was the worst thing that has EVER happened to me, and I’m including the bashing in that statement. You broke me that night, Brian. You broke me. I lost my faith in you and me.” Brian’s expression was the definition of shock. Justin could tell that he didn’t know what to say or do. So, Justin decided to wait. He wanted to hear what the great Brian Kinney had to say. “Justin,” Brian said in a strangled voice. One arm reaching towards Justin and dropping. He continued, “You know how I feel.” “No, Brian, I don’t. You’ve never told me. You fuck me. You fix me. You help me out. But I can honestly say that I don’t know how you truly feel. You fuck me because it makes you feel good. You fix me because it makes you feel in control. You help me out because that’s what you think you should do. But I do know that someone that supposedly cares about or loves another would not make me suffer the way you make me suffer.” “How can you say that? I show you how I feel all the time with my actions! ” Brian tried to assure Justin. “So, I guess fucking a trick in front of me while I’m sick is really all I need to know. Well, message received loud and clear, Mr. Kinney. This conversation is complete.” Justin began to stand up. “No!” Brian interjected. He pulled Justin into his arms and kissed him desperately. When Brian pulled slightly back, he began lovingly kissing and nibbling Justin’s chin, his neck. Justin used the slight distance to harshly push Brian away. “That doesn’t work anymore, Brian. You know and I know that you can make me want you. You’ve always been able to do that. But, unfortunately, I need more than sex. I need love, and you’ve already admitted that you can’t- sorry, that you won’t- give me that.” Justin turned to walk away. “I don’t think we have anything more to say to one another. Please don’t make this harder than it needs to be.” “Please don’t go, Justin,” Brian said. Justin turned to him. Brian Kinney never asked for anything. Hell, he rarely said please. “I need you here with me. Please,” he practically begged. “I need to know that you are all right. That you are safe, please, Justin. I need to be the one that keeps you safe. Please…” “I know, Brian. I’ve always know. Unfortunately, I don’t think I need you anymore. I think you’re toxic for me. And I don’t want to keep being subjected to these toxins.” Justin turned back around and began to open the door. Brian came up behind him, pushed him gently against the metal door. “I love you. I fucking love you.” Brian murmured to Justin as he wrapped his arms around him from behind. “I love you,” he whispered again into Justin’s hair at his nape. “Brian,” Justin strangled out and thumped his head lightly against the door. “You know I do. You know it. I. Love. You,” Brian desperately whispered. He continued to vehemently repeat how he felt into Justin’s hair, “You know it. You know that I love you. You know it…” Justin closed his eyes and sighed. He wasn’t sure what he knew anymore.