I hate myself for losing you I'm seeing it all so clear I hate myself for losing you What do you do when you look in the mirror And staring at you is why he's not here?
Reaching up to scratch his chin, he could feel tear tracks that were still damp.
He looked at the spot next to him, noticing for the first time that it was empty. He briefly wondered where Brad was, but found that he didn't really care.
Getting up, he walked into the bathroom. Wetting a washcloth, he washed his face. As he finished, he looked at himself in the mirror. The man he saw looking back at him had dispair in his hazel eyes.
Brian walked into Debbie's house, alone. When he was inside, he saw the rest of the gang there, including Jennifer and Daphne.
"What's the big emergancy I had to leave work for?" he demanded.
"He's gone!" screeched Debbie.
"What?" asked a confused Brian.
"Justin! He's gone," answered a saddened Lindsay.
"What? Why?"
"That's a fucking stupid question," scoffed Melanie.
"He was here about an hour ago, his bags packed. He told us all goodbye and explained that he needed to get out of Pittsburgh. That he needed to make a fresh start," said Ted.
"Poor baby," cooed Emmett.
Jennifer stood up, giving a Brian a look that was part anger and part saddness. "Here," she said as she handed him an envelope.
"What's this?" he asked.
"You'll find out when you open it, asshole!" spat Daphne. With that, Daphne and Jennifer said their goodbyes and left.
Brian looked at the faces of his friends, his family, and could see the accussation in their eyes. He couldn't blame them.
"I'll never understand you, Brian," sighed Michael. "I hated Justin at first. I felt that he was a threat to you and me. Then, I came to realize that he really did love you. After all of the shit you put him through, he loved you. Now, you go and do this." With that, Michael and Ben left. Brian looked on as his best friend walked away. Without a word, he walked out the door.
Getting into his jeep, he drove to the loft. He knew that he should get back to work, but he couldn't. He had to know what was in the envelope.
When he was inside the loft, with a JB in his hand, he slowly opened the envelope. There was a letter inside, written in Justin's handwritting.
Take a deep breath, he started to read.
I told the others that I would let them know where I end up. I'm sure that they'll keep you in the loop. This is the last that you'll hear from me. If I want to ever be able to move on... a clean break would be best. I do promise, though, that when I am financially secure, you will receive repayment for my tuition at PIFA. I'll get one of the gang to deliver it. Goodbye, Brian.
Justin
Justin had tears in his eyes by the time that he finished reading. The letter hurt him. But what broke his heart were the dried tearstains that he could see on the paper. He knew that he had done the wrong thing... letting Justin go. He had known that immediately. But he felt that it was too late to fix it. And, now, with Justin gone... it was.
Brian was still looking in the mirror when a hand landed on his shoulder, pulling him from his memories. He knew that it was Brad. Looking in the mirror one last time, he asked himself, 'What do you do whe you know you're the reason the man you love is gone?'
He followed Brad into the kitchen, sitting on a stool. "I went down the street, to that small cafe. Got us some breakfast."
Brian looked at the containers and saw stuff that was loaded with carbs. Rolls, sausage, hash browns, bacon, pancakes. 'You'd think after a damn year, the man would know me,' Brian silently grumbled. "Brad, you know that I only like a cup of coffee and a bagel in the mornings."
Brad sighed. "You need to eat, Brian."
"Not this shit, I don't," Brian said with scorn.
"Fuck you, Brian! I try to do something nice... I bet that if it were perfect Justin that brought you this, you'd eat it!" Bian just shrugged and got up to go sit on the couch.
He knew that Brad resented Justin. Hell, Brad resented the whole 'family'. They had never really acceppted him. They just tolerated Brad for Brian's sake and Brad knew it. But they still gave Brian grief over Justin every once in a while. Not as much as before, but still...
Brad resented Jusin because he claimed that even though the blonde wasn't physically around, he was still there. Still between him and Brian. And, Brian had to admit that it was true. He just couldn't let the memory of Justin go. He knew, now, that he loved Justin. Could finally admit it. But, as they say, hindsight's twenty/twenty.
He had known for a while that Justin was living in Las Vegas. He had found out from Debbie. The whole gang kept pressuring him to go and talk to Justin, but he couldn't. It was too late. He couldn't go to Justin, only to be rejected. He'd just have to make the best of his situation and live with his regrets.