It has a minor death, not BJThanks to all those who have stood by me. this chapter is for all of you. Also thanks to my beta Britt and to the girls for all their help. i just got done moving so I should be able to write more and update more often as well. Enjoy.
Brian POV: I glance around the waiting room looking at the family, all of which are waiting on news about Mikey’s condition. Debbie is pacing back and forth while Vic is trying to calm her down. Emmett is in tears as Theodore hugs him, whispering everything will work out. Mel and Linds are also here, leaning on each other. Gus was dropped off earlier before they got here at one of their friends houses. Ben is over in the corner, alone. He doesn’t want to be around Debbie with good reason. And Justin is leaning in my arms, shaking. I am the most concerned about him. I remember back to when we first found out. Justin was sitting on my legs, kissing me when the phone rang. I reached for it as Justin bit my neck. “You’ll pay for that.” I laugh while picking up the phone. “Hello” I ask into the receiver and I hear crying in the background. “Brian, its Ben.” “What’s wrong?” “We are at the hospital. I found Michael in the middle of his suicide attempt. We aren’t sure he will make it.” “We’ll be there. County General?” I ask “Ya.” “Ok.” I hang up the phone, turning back to Justin. “Justin, we need to get to the hospital. Michael decided he wanted to try to kill himself.” I see Justin sway and I grab him. “Oh my god. Is he?” He couldn’t even finish his sentence. “I’m not sure. All of the family is up at the hospital so I guess he’s alright. At least until his mother gets a hold of him.” We grabbed our coats and headed for the hospital. I’m pulled back to the present situation with Justin’s voice. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have been so hard on him.” Justin said to no one in particular. “Don’t you say that Sunshine. What Michael has pulled isn’t your fault. It’s his own. He is the one who cheated on you. With him.” Pointing to Ben who lowers his head. “She’s right Justin. He’ll be okay just so Deb can skin him alive.” Vic replies. “Your damn right I will. Just for making all of us worry about him.” Deb wipes away a tear. Just then the doctor comes into the waiting room. “Novotny Family?” “That’s all of us and before you say it, they are all family. How is my son?” Deb steps up to him. The doctor nods his head at us and looks back to Debbie. “I’m very sorry Ms. Novotny, but your son didn’t make it. We did the best we could, but it was too late to counter-strike the steroids in his body.” Deb falls back into Vic’s arms and cries. “NOOOO. Oh God no, not Michael. NOO” She turns around and puts her head onto Vic’s shoulders as he pulls her to him. I see Emmett in Ted’s arms crying together. The girls were doing the same with each other. I look over at Ben who wipes a tear away. Justin walks out of the room and I follow him, stopping by to hug Deb. “Deb, I’m sorry.” “Not your fault Brian.” Looking around she sees Justin walking down the hall, keeping his balance by holding the wall. “Go after him Brian. Don’t leave him alone.” I nod kissing her cheek. Handing her back over to Vic and knowing that she will be with family. I make my way outside to see Justin. He’s over by the wall, bending over. He leans up, putting his head against the wall, and then suddenly collapse’s onto the ground. I run over to him and lean down by him, pulling him into me where he begins to let loose of what he’s feeling. “It’s not your fault Justin” I keep repeating to him. He hugs me tighter and when we go to stand up, he falls into me, so I sit him back down. “I should have known. I shouldn’t have been so hard on him.” “Justin, this isn’t your fault. You didn’t force him to take anything. You aren’t to blame.” I rub his back. “Justin?” We both look up to find Ben standing there. “Michael wrote these and I thought.” He started to cry as he handed us two envelopes with our names on them. Justin stands up and takes it from him. He looked at the writing on the front and looked up at Ben. “You fucking asshole. You fucking boyfriend stealing, HIV giving selfish son of a bitch” Justin attacks Ben, hitting him in the face with his fist. I reach out and grab him pulling him off. “Justin, I’m sorry.” Ben tells him and Justin pulls out of my arms. “Fuck you Ben. Fuck you, Fuck everyone. If this is what loving someone does, I don’t want any fucking part of it. I’m fucking through. I’m done.” He runs towards the packing garage. I run after him, grabbing him by his arm. “Justin, I know you are upset, but don’t push us away. Okay, push Ben away but not me. Please Justin. Please don’t push me away. I love you and I know this is killing you right now.” He just falls onto my chest, hugging me tighter as we both sob. “Brian, I’m sorry. I, damn it why the fuck didn’t I see this coming? I need something from you Brian” “Name it.” “I need you to just leave me alone. I need some time alone.” “Justin, I can’t do that. Look I know this is the hardest thing to deal with but I won’t let you go through it alone.” “Brian, he fucking loved me. He’s dead because I didn’t give him another chance.” “NO! He is dead because he was weak and couldn’t handle being away from you. He did it because he knew it would destroy you. He fucking did it because he was a selfish son of a bitch who cheated on you and the only reason he decided he wanted you back was because he was scared of dying, well now he doesn’t have to worry about that part.” I feel a sting of a slap from Justin’s hand to my face. “Don’t fucking say that about him Brian. Regardless of why, I still fucking loved him.” “Ok, look I’m sorry I said that, but Justin, please I need you as much as you need me right now. Stop fucking pushing me away. You know how I feel about you.” “Ya, the same way Mikey did and look where that got us. He’s dead, Brian, and he isn’t coming back.” “He’s dead because he chose it that way Justin.” “Don’t you think I fucking know that Brian. I was there. I heard the doctor. Oh god.” Justin starts to sob again as I pull him to me. “I’m not leaving you alone Justin. I’m right here. He was my best friend too. I’m hurting as well. Please Justin, we need each other right now. Don’t fucking leave me alone.” “Brian.” Justin turns in my arms. “I’m so sorry. I killed your best friend. Holy shit. I’m sorry.” “NO, you didn’t Justin. He did it. Not you. I lost my best friend tonight, I don’t want to lose my lover too. Justin, I can’t lose you to. Please.” I beg as I begin to sob as well. We stand there holding each other, crying. Deb comes over and pulls us both into her. “We’re all going back to my house. And the two of you are coming” “Yes mom” I smile at her. Once we returned to Deb’s we were all just sitting around. No one was really talking, but just being in the circle is better then being alone. Deb even invited Ben back, which Justin wasn’t to happy about but Deb said that he shouldn’t have to be alone either, that he tried to save Michael. Deb gets up and goes into the kitchen. “Sunshine, come in here.” She yells to him. **************************************** Justin POV: I walk into the kitchen and instantly, I get pulled into a bear hug. “I want you to listen to me Sunshine. Under any circumstance do I or anyone else blame you. You didn’t make Michael do that to himself. And just like we don’t blame you, we don’t blame Ben either. You both loved him. We all loved him.” “I should have went back to him” “No, you shouldn’t have been blackmailed into that. You left him for good reason. Justin, Michael was old enough to know better. You went to Brian AFTER you broke up with my son. He can’t blame you for moving on. You seem to have feelings growing for Brian and I can tell he does for you as well.” “Deb, I could have been happy with him again. I know I could.” “But you didn’t trust him for good reason baby.” I nod my head as I am hugged once more. “I want you to give the eulogy at the funeral.” “Deb, I can’t, please don’t make me do that.” “It might will help you as well baby.” “No I can’t, I’m sorry. I don’t even know why you let me come here. I killed him Deb.” I start to cry again and she pulls me in. “Justin Taylor, you listen to me. You didn’t kill him. He killed himself. He was the one who did it.” “She’s right Justin.” We turn to see Vic standing there. “I just told Ben the same thing” “I know I shouldn’t be mad at him but I am” I whisper. “And you have the right to be. He’s the one Michael cheated with.” “Well, think about the eulogy. Brian can help you with it.” “I can’t do it Deb. I’m sorry.” “Maybe you’ll change your mind. I’m going to take this into the living room.” I nod my head and start to follow her back out when I remember the letter in my pocket. I sneak outside to be alone. Once outside I take the letter out and run my fingers over the writing. I slowly open it up. “Justin, I know by the time you get this, I will be either dead or close to dead. I am sorry for doing it this way but I am too scared to do it any other way. I want you to know that this isn’t your fault. I don’t blame you. When I lost you, I lost everything. Yes I loved Ben, but not as much as I loved you and now I am here, alone. I can’t live without you Justin. I even ended it in your blue sweater to be as close to you in the end as I could be. I’m sure they will give it back to you. Justin I know that this will hurt you and Brian, but believe me, it’s better this way, for all of us. Now you and the family won’t watch me get sick. I’ve seen what it does to my mom when Uncle Vic is sick and I didn’t want to add to her burden or yours. I love you Justin. We won’t be together in this life form but I will be waiting in the next for you. I will be waiting for my one true love, you. I’m sorry I put you at risk. I deserve what I am getting. I hurt you. Don’t worry, I will always be with you. I will also be waiting with open arms in the future. I love you. Never forget that. Love always, Mikey. PS. Please don’t blame Ben for this either. It’s not his fault either. Yours Always..Michael. I fold it back up and place it into my pocket once more. I wipe my tears away and look back to the house. I walk back inside hearing them talking. “I’m sorry Deb.” Ben tells them. I turn and go back outside, not wanting to see anyone again. I really can’t seem to forget any of their words. I walk away from the house, away from the memories, away from Michael’s family, away from everything. I walk back to the loft and grab a few things as Brian walks in. “I knew you were coming here.” “How?” “I saw you leave Sunshine. Did you think I would take my eyes off you?” “Brian, just let me go, please.” I beg him. “No, I won’t because I know you are feeling at fault and I refuse to let you leave.” “Brian” I start to cry. “This is my decision” “And this is mine” He pulls me into him, kissing my lips softly. “I won’t lose you to Justin” He whispers in my ear. “If you want to go somewhere then we will, but I will not let you go alone so you can keep thinking it’s your fault.” “Yes it is” I whisper back to him. “No, it’s not.” He is stroking my hair now. He won’t let me go. I pull him tighter and sob. After about thirty minutes Brian looks down into my face. “Justin, stop feeling guilty. It’s not your fault.” “You keep saying that” I look down and he takes my chin, lifting it up. “And I will keep saying it until you fucking believe it yourself and know it.” I just nod my head. I can’t help but feel guilty since it was over me. “Justin, that is enough, stop this right now.” “How did you know?” “Because I know your touch, I know your sighs; I know every fucking thing about your body language and mind. You are not to blame here. Now you must believe it” “Ok.” “Now I am going to go run you some bath water and we will both take a hot bath, together.” “Ok, Thanks Brian.” “No need to thank me Sunshine. Just don’t push me away.” He walks into the bathroom and I pick up my jacket. I look towards the bathroom and wipe a tear. “I’m sorry Brian, I don’t want to be around anyone right now.” I open the loft door just to have a hand stop me. I turn to the tear filled face of Brian. “Justin, please don’t leave me” He whispers through tears. “Please don’t go.” I shut the door and let him pull me into a hug. “I love you too Brian.” I guess being alone isn’t the right way to go on this. Maybe I do need him more then I realize as I pull him tighter to me, I squeeze his neck into mine and just hold him. “I’ll never let you go” He whispers. “Me either” I tell him back as we sag into the couch, together. Waiting for the next step in this fucked up life we are living.