Thanks to my wonderful Beta Carly who is doing a great job. I wasn't going to put this chapter out til tomorrow This is also a thank you to DPHYSH for all her reviews, this one is put up early for you, and because of you. Thank you again. Also thanks to Sid for all her continuous help and support. I love you girlie.
Justin POV: I awake to running water as I look around and notice last night wasn’t a dream. I once again left the arms of Brian. I sit up and look down at a sleeping Emmett and can’t help but smile. He has done so much for me. He even killed my father. I slowly get up and walk into the bathroom. I see Brian with his head tilted back and his eyes closed. He looks so good. I almost turn around and walk out when his head falls forward, sighing. I move into the stall after removing my clothes and he looks down at me. I get closer to his body where he hugs me tighter. “I’m sorry Brian.” “No need to be sorry Sunshine. I understand he’s your best friend and sometimes you need them more then someone else and in this case, me.” “Brian, I need you both. In different ways. E has been there with me through the past and you are what I need to help me through the present and the future. All I ask is for some time. I know you love me, and I love you as well, but it’s hard for me to adjust to some things.” “Justin, you don’t need to explain anything to me. I understand. I was the same way with Mikey. I am willing to wait for you. Just know that I am here for you as well.” He kisses my head and pulls me closer. I try not to tense up but sometimes its hard not too. I get down on my knees to show Brian that I need him he pulls me back up. “No Sunshine. You aren’t ready for that step.” I lean my head into his chest and close my eyes and sob quietly. Brian just holds me. He seems to know just how tight to hold me. And just how far he can push me. We climb out to the shower and walk into the bedroom where I pull Brian on top of me and kiss him. I am doing fine until he reaches down and grabs my dick. I jump and Brian stops. “Sorry Justin. You need more time.” He walks out and Em walks in. “You okay baby?” “Am I ever going to feel comfortable with anyone touching me? I know this is frustrating to Brian.” I lean back up. Emmett sits next to me and hugs me to him. “Baby it will take time. You went through a lot. Brian wants you and loves you but he understands the tragedy you went through and doesn’t want to add to it. Just give him the chance to show you. He isn’t out to hurt you.” I nod my head in response. ****************************************** Emmett POV: I sit on Brian’s bed, holding Justin in my arms once more and I can see that he is really trying to let go. But it’s hard on Justin. I know he cares for Brian, and loves him but he is having such a hard time with everything in his mind. “I know that you may not know this Justin or maybe you do, but Brian truly understands that you are having trouble with this. He is trying to give you space.” “I know.” He falls back on the bed, closing his eyes. “I think I need more sleep.” He yawns and I get up. “Get some rest baby.” I kiss him and move away. “E?” “Yes?” “Thanks and I love you.” He smiles at me. “Anytime baby, I love you too.” I walk out of the room and straight to where Brian is sitting. “I am trying to be patient with him. I understand how he is feeling and I won’t push him into anything he isn’t ready for. I was glad when he wanted me with him last night also. But then he clung to you most the night. Only this morning I woke up and saw him on me. I didn’t move in fear of waking him and loving him in my arms.” “I know Brian, just give him time. He is slowly healing.” “I know.” “And if for any reason you hurt him, I will not hesitate to hurt you. He’s been through enough. All he is asking is time and patience.” “Emmett I know. It’s just frustrating to want to do more for him but knowing I can’t.” “Just give you both time to heal. Him from physical and emotional and you from the emotional.” “When did you fucking get smart Em?” We both laugh. Brian POV: Three hours later, I am sitting on the couch alone. Emmett had to do some stuff to get moved into his new place. I look out the window as I hear Justin coming down the steps. “Hey Sunshine.” I look at him and he looks okay. “Hey,” he replies. “Sleep good?” “Not really, but better then I did yesterday.” “That’s a start.” I pull him into me and to my surprise he doesn’t pull away or flinch. He leans up and kisses me. I kiss him back as the door opens. “I found a place. I am all set to move in and guess what? It’s only a block from here.” Emmett jumps happily. “That’s great Em,” I tell him letting go of Justin. “So from that embrace I guess I don’t need to ask who you plan on staying with Baby.” He kisses Justin and even though I know it’s just as friends, I can’t help my jealous side. “I’m going to stay with Brian,” Justin tells him and I smile at him. We get Emmett moved out and into his new place and Justin seems to be doing okay with this. He has snuck out maybe three times in the past week. We still haven’t had sex and I’m okay with it. I am just glad to have him with me and alive. As Justin sleeps I run a hand down his back and he shivers. I pull him closer to me as he starts to shake. “Justin, it’s okay. I won’t hurt you,” I whisper to him as he calms down. He leans his head up and kisses me. I roll him over to where I am lying on top of him, looking down into his eyes. I see a few things. He is still scared but is trying to work through it. At the same time I see lust and love in his eyes for me. I lean down, kissing him and to my surprise he kisses back. I move my hand down between us and put a hand in his pants and stroke him. He moans as I lean up, taking his sweats off. We are now both naked and Justin is under me. I roll him over and use my tongue to lube him up. I slowly stick a finger in him and move it. He moans and as I begin to move up his back I place my sheathed cock at his entrance. I stick the head in and he jumps up and moves away, breathing hard. “I’m sorry,” he cries through tears. “Justin, it’s okay.” I try to reassure him as he puts his sweats on and a sweater and rushes to the door. I grab his arm and he leans into me. “Please Brian, I need to go.” I kiss his cheek and let go of his arm. “I love you Justin, just remember that.” He nods and walks out the door. I put some clothes on and sit on the couch, which seemed like forever when I picked up the phone to call Emmett and make sure Justin was okay. I had this feeling something wasn’t right. “Hello?” the sleepy voice answers. “Em, its Brian.” “Oh my god is Justin ok?” He asks me and I feel a panic. “He isn’t there? Em he left two hours ago to go to your place. It’s where he always runs. He had a panic attack and took off.” “Oh my god, ok I need to go find my baby,” Emmett tells me on the phone. “Me too. Call me when you find him.” “I think I know where he is. Just stay put in case he comes back” And the phone goes silent. Justin’s POV: After leaving Brian’s I start to go to Em’s when I need to come here and talk to someone. As I sit here I look down to the ground at my mom and sister’s tombstones. “Mom, What am I doing? I have a man who loves me. I love him too, but yet why can’t I stop my attacks in my mind. I know dad is gone and I know that he can’t hurt me but when he touches me, when Brian touches me, I close my eyes and dad is there instead of Brian.” “I know that he isn’t going to hurt me, but mom, how can I trust anyone? You let dad do this to us. You let him hurt me, and kill Molly and then he even killed you when you wanted to help me. E is so great mom. I don’t think I could have made it this far without him. He’s the only one I can let touch me without freaking out.” I bow my head. “I want to make love with Brian, but I can’t. I’m so afraid to be touched. I need to get past this but I don’t think I can. I know that I could let Emmett do it because of who he is, and I really want to let Brian help me, but I want to be able to do it without freaking out on him.” “I know you are sorry for everything but now I am left alone. I have no one.” I start to sob. “I want to be me again. I want to be able to make love and get made love to again without freaking out. I want it to be with Brian, but I am so afraid to be touched by him sometimes. Not because he would hurt me, but because I feel so fucking dirty and gross and that he will see that and throw me to the curb.” “He wouldn’t do that, J.” I jump at the sound of Emmett’s voice. “How did you know?” I ask him. “Brian called me to check on you and when you weren’t at my place, the next place I figured you would be was here.” I look down as Em sits next to me. “Baby, I know that you hate the fact that you can’t let Brian in yet. But you have to go with what you feel is right for you at this moment.” “I drove all the way here to get answers Em, and I still don’t have them. Why is he so into me still? I mean I am such a filthy whore like my father said. I can’t even stand to look at myself.” Em pulls me into him and he is the only one I seem to let be able to do that without tensing up. “Baby, I want you to listen to me. You are not ANYTHING your father said you are. You are a sweet, intelligent and very talented young man. You are amazingly gorgeous. Baby, Brian loves you. You deserve love and to give love. Justin, I know you still have nightmares and I know you wake up in sweats but baby you are allowed to freak out until you get better. “ “Em, I need to feel normal again. I need it so bad. I can’t really get over it until I do it again, knowing that I deserve it.” “Justin, look at me. I know that this is one of the hardest things to deal with, and I am so glad you made it through it but as long as you continue to not let those in that love you the most, your father is still winning. Stop letting him run you into the ground and start living your life again, with someone that loves you.” He pulls me closer. “Now let’s get you back to my place and into something a little warmer. Where is your car?” “It’s over there.” “Ok, here is the plan. I had Teddy come with me and he will drive your car back to my place and take his car home. You are riding with me and resting on the way.” I just nod my head. We walk to the car where he pulls out his phone. “Brian, I have him and we are heading to my place. He is fine. I will call you later.” He hangs up as he takes my keys from my hand and hands them to Ted. “I’ll be gentle.” Ted looks at me. I just nod my head. I don’t care right now. We drive back in silence and I find myself falling asleep. When I wake up I am laying in bed with Emmett. He must have picked me up and carried me upstairs. I look down at Emmett sleeping and I start to kiss his neck. I have to do this in order to get over this. E is my best friend in the world and I have to get pass the fear. What better way then to have a friend do it? He moans in his sleep as I kiss my way down. Emmett never wears shirts to bed. He runs his hands through my hair and lifts his chest up into my mouth. I take his hand and place it on my dick. I start to stroke his as well. He opens his eyes as I begin kissing him. He puts his hand on my neck holding me there as I kiss his neck. He pushes me away. “Justin we can’t do this.” He tells me. “What are you doing?” “E, I know that we are friends and this is what I need I need to be touched by someone I fully trust. Emmett I am asking for your help. Fuck me.” ********************************* Emmett POV: I can’t believe he just asked me that. He doesn’t know how much I have wanted him. I pull his mouth back to mine and kiss him. As he climbs on my chest looking down at me he closes his eyes. I run my hand up his chest. “Justin,” I whisper, making sure he is ok. “I can’t do this. I’m sorry” “Why not?” he asks me. “Is it because I’m dirty?” “No, it’s because I am not the one who you want to do this with. You feel comfortable with me.” Justin gets up and walks into the bathroom. I lean over and pick up the phone dialing Brian’s home. “Ya?” “Brian, Justin is okay. I meant to call you when we got home. He was talking to his mom. He is really having a rough time.” “Emmett what are you not telling me?” “He asked me to fuck him.” I hear silence for a few minutes and then, “If it’s what he needs to get over this, then do it. Just this one time; Emmett. Please, just this once.” “Brian.” “No Emmett, he needs it, and it’s you he trusts.” “It’s not that. It’s just, hell he feels so fucking dirty and thinks you will not want him once you do it again. He loves you Brian.” “I know he does, but this is fucking important step for him and he wants it to be with you. Give it to him Emmett, bring both our Sunshine’s back.” “Okay.” I hang up the phone as Justin comes out. “I took a fast shower, I’m all clean now.” He climbs back in bed with me and he kisses me again. I lean him over and kiss my way down, taking his nipple in my mouth. I kiss his mouth once more as we begin stroking each other. “I’m sorry.” I pull away. “I just can’t do this. Justin you need to do this with the one you love and who loves you. He is willing to wait until you are ready. I love you, but I won’t do this to you. You will just regret it later and frankly, I don’t want Brian killing me.” “E, please.” He begins to sob. “Justin, can you look me in the eye and tell me that you don’t want Brian? Can you tell me that you want this with me? That you are not thinking of him right now? Justin, you have been through a lot. I am here as a friend. Brian is your lover and he is really worried about you. He wants his Sunshine back. Don’t put this between us. Don’t put sex between us. I won’t have one night of pleasure to turn around and lose a lifetime of friendship. Plus you really want Brian.” “I do want him. But how? How will he look at me after I have sex with him? Like some whore. He heard what my father said about me.” “Justin Craig Taylor, you stop this right now. I know it’s hard on you but it is just as hard on Brian. He loves you more then life if he is telling me to do this with you to get you back to normal. But it won’t work. It won’t help you with Brian.” He sobs into my arms. I rub his back. “Justin, when the time is right, you will feel comfortable with Brian again. Just give him the chance to show you that you don’t need to fear him.” He nods his head. “Okay, E. I will. I am glad you stopped me. I love him Em, I really do. I just value what he thinks and after seeing me on all fours with my ass in the air to my father, I figured he wouldn’t look at me the same.” “He doesn’t Justin, he looks at you as though you are stronger then before, which you are. He looks at you in pure love. Even though he had you lay with me that night, he was just as happy knowing you asked him to stay with you. He needs you as much as you need him.” “How did you get so fucking smart?” “See you already sound like him. He asked me that also.” We both laugh and lay back down. He snuggles in my arms and I know we both made the right decision.