HOME RUN Chapter 19: Brian & Justin: ~~~~~~~~~~ "Justin, please … don't go". Just to hear Brian say these words would once have been enough, but now Justin wasn't so sure. "And why exactly should I stay? For you to never tell me how you truly feel? So that I never know where I really stand with you?" Justin was gripping the door-handle; he would only have to open the door and walk away. It would be that easy. "I never said I didn't love you". Justin's heart leapt into his mouth at the sound of the words and he turned to face him. "Then what are you saying?" "I guess …. I guess what I'm saying is …. What the fuck do I know about love?" Justin could see the tears behind Brian's eyes and watched him as he walked across the room to sit down on the edge of the bed. His voice was low and filled with more emotion that Justin had ever heard from him before. "My Dad beat the crap out of me every opportunity he had. Constantly telling me I was a worthless piece of shit who'd never amount to anything …..… that I should have been aborted". Brian tried to prevent his voice from shaking, but he couldn’t quite manage it. Silently, Justin crossed the room and sat beside him. Brian spoke quietly, with his head bowed and Justin had to strain to hear the words. "When you're a kid and when you keep hearing that from someone …..…. someone who's supposed to love you ..…… care about you …..… well, it’s really hard and you try to find ways to block out the pain, from the words if not the punches". "You try and make yourself believe it doesn't hurt your feelings and then it gets easier to pretend you don't have any feelings at all .… about anything … anyone”. “You convince yourself that you don’t believe in love ….... that you don’t need anyone else and that it doesn't matter anyhow 'cos why would anyone want to love you …..… you’re not worth anything. That way, you can tell yourself it doesn't hurt when they walk away …..… and break your heart". Justin's own heart was breaking for the man sitting beside him, who refused to look at him so that Justin couldn't see his tears. Gently, Justin took Brian by the shoulders and turned him round to face him; this 40-year-old man whose childhood he’d never quite managed to come to terms with. "What your Dad did to you is inexcusable, but that doesn't make it true. You do have feelings; I know you do, despite what you say, and it doesn't mean you're incapable of loving anyone else". "You love Michael and you loved Lindsay. And what about Gus? I know you've always loved Gus; I've seen you with him, remember? When he was just a baby and now; I can see how much you love him and it’s obvious how much he loves you". Brian shook his head. "That's different. Of course I love my son, but that’s not what I mean". "Why? What’s different about it?" “I’m talking about being in love with someone. When you want to be with them, to touch them …… have them touch you. When you can’t bear to see them with someone else and when you’d do anything to stop them from getting hurt …..” Brian's voice trailed off. He was close to breaking point and to let anyone, even Justin, see him like this, after years of putting up barriers so that no one could get in, made Brian feel more vulnerable than he had ever felt in his life. Justin put his hand under Brian's chin, bringing his face up to look him in the eyes. "When are you going to learn to trust me?" he whispered. "I know how hard this is for you, but I love you. How many times do I have to say it so that you start believing me? I'll never trample on your feelings. I'll always be here for you". "And despite what you say, I know you love me”, continued Justin, staring into tear-filled hazel eyes. “I should have realised you were telling me with everything you did after the bashing. I shouldn't have put such importance on the words. I heard plenty of pretty words from Ethan and look where that got me. You are capable of so much more than you know". "I'm not sure. I don't think I know how to do this". Brian's face was just inches from his own and its beauty, despite the tears, filled Justin's heart with love until it was at bursting point. "Then I guess I'm gonna have to stick around and teach you". Gently, Justin held Brian and kissed his face; kissing away the tears held inside for so long. Their mouths met, saliva mixed with salt as Justin discovered that he too was now crying. He had the man he loved in his arms and he wasn't about to let him go. The relief Brian felt, cradled in Justin's arms, was something he could never have imagined. He felt safe, protected and loved. Justin was offering him a deep abiding, unconditional love; a love he thought he would never experience. He'd wasted so many years running away from love that now he'd found it; accepted it, it was like being hit by an express train and he wasn't going to lose that love again. He pulled away from Justin's hold and looked deeply into his eyes, waiting for permission to proceed. Justin smiled and stroked his cheek. Gently, Brian pulled the blond's shirt out of his pants and undid the buttons. He pushed it back over his shoulders and lent forward to kiss him along his collarbone: Justin’s arms still caught in the sleeves, unable to move. Unable to free himself from the material, Justin had no choice but to allow Brian his will, not that any thought of resistance had even crossed his mind. Brian kissed and licked him from his stomach to his throat and then along his shoulder and into his neck, nibbling on his ear, making him shudder with pleasure at Brian’s touch, something he thought he would never feel again. Finally, Brian pulled the garment off, freeing Justin, who now tugged at Brian’s zipper, fighting the urge to take Brian into his mouth. He wanted this to last a long time and for the moment at least, he was prepared to wait. Removing the remainder of each other’s clothing, they lay naked on the bed. But the sense of urgency had disappeared; this was going to be taken slowly, with every touch, every taste, every sense explored and devoured. Every pleasure would be sought, relished and remembered forever. Enjoying each other’s bodies like never before: as if for the very first time. For Brian, there was a time when he refused to have sex with anyone more than once, mostly not even knowing their names. But lying with Justin, there was an unexpected joy of making love with someone familiar, knowing what pleasured them: having them know your desires in return. This was someone he could trust implicitly; allow him to enter that innermost wonderful place, somewhere no one had ever been allowed to venture before. And for Justin, to be given permission at last to access Brian's inner core; denied to him for so long and now given up freely; filled the blonde with a sense of having found his destiny. Brian was already custodian of Justin’s heart and now it was Justin's turn to claim what was rightfully his. Entering Justin’s body, filling him, possessing him, Brian stared into his eyes and wondered why he had fought this for so long. Why had he denied himself the love that had been offered him: constantly rejecting the man who now so willingly embraced him? Why had he allowed himself to think he didn’t deserve to be loved? After all, Justin must have thought he was worth it, still, after all this time. Seeking him out with such incredible determination, not allowing the width of a continent to come between him and the man he loved; the man he hoped would love him in return; finally. And Brian told himself to believe it were possible; to love and to be loved this way. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Finally, their bodies exhausted and glowing, covered with a light film of sweat, they lay in each other’s arms. And as Justin drifted off to sleep, he couldn’t be sure if he was dreaming when he heard the words he longed for being whispered in his ear. “I love you ….. always have, always will”. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Around 6:00 in the morning, Brian woke to find Justin watching him. He'd always loved watching Brian sleep. It seemed to be the only time when he was completely relaxed and he always looked so beautiful. He caught the look of relief in Brian’s eyes before he glanced away, ashamed of the doubt that had fleetingly entered his mind. “Hey”, said Justin, gently, “I’m still here”, and he lent down to kiss him. “I’ve heard Gus moving around out there. I think he needs his Dad with him today, don’t you?” Brian looked up at him. It was indeed bound to be a difficult time for his young son, the first Christmas without his Mom’s. And even though Melanie had ensured that Gus grew up acknowledging and respecting her Jewish customs, he’d never been denied the trappings of a traditional Christmas. They had found a compromise and Gus had enjoyed the best of both worlds; growing up to be tolerant, loving and giving; a credit to those who loved him. Brian stretched his long limbs, encircling his arms around the blonde’s neck. “Then I guess we better go see what Santa brought”, he said and he pulled Justin towards him for another kiss. “Merry Christmas, Justin”, he whispered. “Merry Christmas, Brian”. ??The End??