HOME RUN Chapter 18: Brian and Justin: ~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian stared at the man who had spoken to him and Justin could tell by the look in his eyes that at first, he hadn't recognised him. "Justin?" Brian said at last, his voice barely audible and the reason he hadn't known the man now standing before him was just that; here was a grown man. When last he’d seen him, Justin had a youthful look still about him instead of the adult that he had become. But Justin would have known him anywhere, Brian's beauty ignoring the passing of so many years since their last meeting. On his way up in the elevator, Justin had tried to compose himself and, suddenly, now standing in front of the very man he'd come looking for, he couldn't believe his luck that Brian was still here; that he'd found him. The operator coughed. "Folks, if you're not going down right now, can I just remind you that we close in about 40 minutes", and the doors closed and they could hear the motor whirring as the elevator descended. Justin smiled and looked at the boy by Brian's side. "This must be Gus". "I thought it was you at the cemetery", said the youngster looking up at him. "You put flowers on my Mom's graves, didn't you?" Justin nodded. Brian looked from Justin to his son and back again. They seemed to be sharing something that he hadn’t been a part of and he shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. "What are you doing here?" he asked. "I … I came looking for you". "How did you know where to find me?" "I umm …. I had a little help", said Justin, looking down at Gus, who was biting his bottom lip, embarrassed at having been found out. Justin shivered; it had got really cold now and looked like snow and he only had on a thin jacket. "Can we talk? Somewhere a bit warmer", he asked. Brian ran his fingers through his hair, trying to think. "I guess we could go to the apartment. I need to get Gus back, but it's gonna take a while to get a cab now". "I've got a rental", said Justin, "if you don't mind a walk back to it". Brian summoned the elevator and they rode all the way down in silence, all but for a few words of pleasantries and politeness. When they got back to the car, Brian gave Justin directions and silently cursed himself; after all this time apart, he couldn't think of a single thing to say of any meaning and the conversation was left to Gus and Justin. The boy chatted happily, telling Justin the things they’d seen and done during their stay in New York, whilst Brian stared out of the window, seemingly lost in his own thoughts. He tried to keep his face from showing any emotion, but sitting only inches away from his former lover, Brian’s stomach was churning and his heart was racing and he couldn't help but wonder how and why Gus had been in contact with him. Justin kept throwing quick glances Brian’s way, trying to judge his reaction to him just turning up out of the blue, but the man only responded when spoken to directly and then with only a few words. He was confused and couldn’t quite understand Brian’s coolness towards him, especially as he’d practically admitted to the whole world the night before just how special Justin had once been to him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arriving at the apartment, Brian cranked up the heating and he and Gus took off their heavy topcoats, scarves and gloves and Justin removed his jacket, thankful to be inside in the warm. "Gus, I want you to go to bed quickly now. You know what day it is and Santa doesn't like kids who aren't asleep," said Brian, half-smiling and for a moment trying to pretend that Justin wasn’t there. Gus looked at him in disgust, but he knew his Dad was only teasing him. "Dad, you know I stopped believing in Santa when I was six, besides the presents are under the tree already", but he also realised the two men needed some time alone, so he wasn't going to make a fuss about getting to bed; not tonight of all nights. "Night Dad and thanks. It was a brilliant day", said Gus, leaving the room. "That's okay, Sonny-boy. I had a great time too". "Night Justin", the boy called back over his shoulder. "Night Gus", came the reply. "Do you wanna drink?" asked Brian. "I'm having one anyway" and he moved to the side-table and poured out a glass of Beam, which he offered to Justin without waiting for a reply. Justin took the glass and Brian poured out a shot for himself. "Have a seat", he said, indicating the sofa and Justin sat, but Brian still stood by the table, desperately trying to maintain some distance between them. “So, what did you want to talk about?” he asked quietly, taking a sip of his drink, staring into his glass, not daring to look at his guest. Justin put down his glass and decided to plunge right in. “I wanted to talk about us …… you and me”. Brian shook his head. “There is no us, Justin. That was all over a long time ago”, and he threw the rest of his drink down his throat in one swallow, now feeling the burn as the liquid hit his stomach. “Was it? I … I haven't stopped thinking about you. I should never have left with Ethan like that, I …” “Well you did; End of story”. Just to hear the other man’s name spoken out loud cut him to the quick and Brian turned away to pour himself a refill: a large one. Justin stood and went over to him. “Is it? I don’t believe that”, he said, putting a hand on Brian’s shoulder, but the man only moved away from him. Brian’s heart was pounding fit to burst right out of his chest. Why was this happening now, after all these years? After last night’s telephone conversation with a stranger, here suddenly was the very man he’d spoken about: spoken about, but could hardly talk to. He’d cared so deeply about the boy, even if he’d never told him so and more than he ever dared admit to himself. But now seeing Justin as a man, a beautiful, mature man, he couldn’t trust himself to be so close to him and not give himself away. He wanted to touch him so much, but if he did, he knew he would be lost forever and then what if Justin left again? He didn’t think he could bear it. Justin sighed quietly to himself. Maybe he was coming on too strong. Why should Brian believe he still cared about him? If he’d really cared that much he wouldn’t have left him all those years ago, he'd have stayed, fought to keep their relationship alive. But after hearing what Brian had said on the radio, Justin was convinced the older man still had feelings for him. “Gus is a great kid. You must be really proud”, said Justin, trying to steer the conversation a different way. “Yeah, well that’s all down to Lindz and Mel. I can’t take any credit there”. “Don’t put yourself down. I bet you’ve done a great job with him since …. Well, you know. And it can’t have been easy, bringing him up on your own”. Brian frowned. Justin was the second person to say that to him in the last 24 hours. “I was so sorry to hear about Mel and Lindz. You must really miss Lindz”. “Yeah, I do”, said Brian, downing his drink. “But it’s been far worse for Gus”. “Gus has grown up so much”, continued Justin. “I can’t believe he’s the same little kid I used to know”. At last Brian looked at him and smiled. “He’s not the only one who’s all grown up”. And Justin smiled back at him. “Well, you haven’t changed”, said the blonde. Brian put down his empty glass. “You’re not looking close enough”. “Is this …. close enough?” asked Justin, moving towards him and this time, Brian didn’t move away. With Justin so near, Brian thought he must surely be able to hear his heart breaking, the memory of their parting now so vivid in his mind. “I like this”, he said, indicating the hair now greying at Brian’s temples. Brian brushed his hand over his ear, touching the offending area. “I’ve been meaning to do something about that”. “Don’t, it suits you”, and Justin reached up to run his fingers lightly through the greying hair. For a few moments his hand lingered and then he cupped Brian’s face. Whether it was the alcohol starting to kick in preventing all rational thought or purely the physical touch from the man he’d had such deep feelings for; feelings he'd tried so hard to deny, he couldn’t tell. But Brian closed his eyes offering no objection as Justin slid an arm around his waist, drawing them even closer together. “I have missed you so much”, whispered the younger man and he reached up to kiss Brian’s jawbone. Brian leaned his head back, allowing Justin access to his throat, which was soon being covered in light, lingering kisses; Brian moaned softly. “Justin …… I …”, he breathed, pulling back to look into those wonderful blue eyes. “Shh, we’ll talk later”, came the murmured reply and then Brian couldn’t stop himself any longer. Slipping an arm around the smaller man’s waist and with his other hand at the back of Justin's head, he pulled Justin towards him so that their mouths met and Brian ran his fingers through the blond hair, memories of its silkiness coming back to him. Justin’s lips parted eagerly, allowing Brian’s tongue to enter his warm, inviting mouth, their tongues mingling and hands roaming each other’s back and neck and Brian could feel Justin’s erection against his thigh, his own now demanding attention. Their mouths parted. “I need you”. Justin’s tone was urgent and such was the ache that Brian felt for him, he knew all was now surely lost, there was no turning back and Brian took him by the hand and led him to his bedroom. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Closing the door behind them, Brian turned the lights down low and hit the button on the CD player; soft music filled the room. “I don’t want Gus to hear ..….”. But before he could finish his sentence, Justin pulled him round to face him. Slowly, he pulled Brian’s sweater up over his head and discarded it. "You are still so beautiful”, he said, running his fingers over Brian's chest. He threw his arms around Brian’s neck and they kissed again, with a passion that turned back the years; reminding them of how it had once been between them. Parting only when the need for oxygen became urgent, Justin nestled in Brian’s arms. “I still love you”, he whispered. Justin felt Brian’s whole body stiffen and heard the sharp intake of breath. He looked up into his face and sighed. “You still can’t say the words, can you?” Brian turned his face away, preventing Justin from looking into his eyes: from seeing the pain that lay behind them and slowly, he pulled away from Justin’s hold; turning his back on him, leaving the blonde standing alone in the middle of the room. “Perhaps this was a mistake, but I thought … I really thought that maybe you had feelings for me…. But I wonder now if you ever really did love me …” Justin’s voice trailed off. He felt a fool. He’d travelled 3000 miles for what? To have the man he loved turn away from him, seemingly unable to give of himself, with no affirmation of how he really felt? “I … I shouldn’t have come here. I’m sorry”, and Justin headed for the door. "Say goodbye to Gus for me”. To be continued.