Chapter 9:
It took a few minutes for Justin to settle after Brogan left the teacher’s lounge, but he took a deep breath, finished his coffee and told himself he’d have to get used to it. There would always be guys who reminded him of Brian and the sooner he accepted that the better. They say everyone has a double and, apparently, Brogan was Brian’s, or at least there were definitely enough similarities, but that didn‘t entirely explain the shiver which now worked its way down Justin‘s spine as he brought to mind those familiar mannerisms he’d witnessed in Brogan Kennedy.
Justin sighed and told himself to get a grip. Brian was gone, after all, he should know, he was the one who’d found him. But he, Justin, had moved on, coming here to begin a new life, which wasn’t just starting a new career, but a new social life too. He knew he needed to make friends and to do that, he had to get out there and meet new people and who knows where that might lead. Eventually, Justin knew he would no doubt meet someone else and fall in love. He’d already met at least one guy who, if the timing hadn’t sucked, would have been a great guy to be in a relationship with.
Peter had come along at just the right time, when Justin had needed someone to be his first after Brian’s death. He’d become a good friend and Justin knew the man had feelings for him, as he had for Peter, though on Justin‘s part, it had never really been more than friendship. But a friend was what he‘d needed right then and Justin would always be grateful to him for being there. But if he’d met Peter, or someone like him in the future, then surely, things would be different. Five years was a long time to grieve and to be alone and Justin had always needed to love someone and be in love, even if first time around the person he was in love with couldn’t share with him his own feelings. Though Justin had known in his heart that Brian loved him, with Brian’s actions doing his talking for him. Justin smiled fondly at the memories and decided the saying ’actions speak louder than words’ could have been coined with Brian Kinney in mind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A few other teachers had started to drift in, keen to be prepared for the new term. They all made their introductions, and so far, every one of them greeted Justin and made him feel very welcome. More than one of them offered to get together for a drink either that evening or later in the week, stating that they‘d probably need it, once the new school year took off! Justin thanked everyone for their invitations, although breeder bars weren’t really his thing, but he didn’t find it necessary to announce to the world he was gay. Why should he? It had nothing to do with anyone else.
Justin realized he had very few straight friends, other than Daphne of course and Debbie and Carl and had to admit how insular that probably was. Not all straights hated gays, despite the fact that Brian had always said …
Damn. Justin just stopped himself. Would there ever come a time when he didn’t feel Brian’s influence in some way? He mentally shook himself. This had to stop. There’d always be a place for Brian in his heart and he’d always be grateful for everything Brian had done for him, but he was now his own man entirely; he’d stepped out from Brian’s shadow a long time ago. He’d come here to move on, even though he knew he’d never forget the man. But he couldn’t allow his feelings for Brian to influence his future any longer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Realizing this was Justin’s first post, it wasn’t long before he was being regaled with all the teaching horror stories that could be mustered and he hoped to god they’d either been embellished upon for his benefit, or at least exaggerated with the passing of time. And then knowing how they’d have to work together, someone asked him what he thought of Brogan Kennedy.
“Not really a team player,” was a comment from one of the teachers before he had a chance to answer, which Justin thought odd, after learning earlier that Kennedy also helped coach the school soccer team. But it seemed to him that the remark just reiterated what Millar had told him the day before: that Kennedy was his own man. Justin didn’t necessarily think that was a bad thing and everyone seemed to respect Brogan, even if they didn’t entirely think of him as a friend.
“Depends what team you’re playing for,” someone giggled quietly, and though he couldn’t really detect any venom, Justin was just about to ask what that was supposed to mean and wondered whether it meant what he thought it did. Even though Brogan had so many physical similarities to Brian, Justin hadn‘t automatically assumed the man was gay also. But then the Dean came rushing in with armfuls of notices and new policies received from the Education Department, with which they were required to adhere, considering they received grants from public money.
Everyone groaned at the prospect of yet more new policies and the comment Justin had frowned at was soon forgotten as he tried to get to grips with what being a teacher seemed to really mean. Policies and paperwork.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The school’s small cafeteria wouldn’t be up and running until the following day and the other teachers, already aware of this, had brought their own lunches in with them. Justin didn’t know this, but in any case, he hadn’t thought about lunch and was more interested in making sure everything was in place for tomorrow, familiarizing himself with the school layout and learning what routines he had to know. That included being given a run through of the safety procedures and he was informed they’d have a fire drill within the first few days of the new term. Then, returning to his own classroom, Justin wanted to make sure everything was in order and booting up the computer, re-checked the programs and started to work on something of his own.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Have you eaten?”
Justin looked up from the computer in surprise to find Michelle standing in the doorway; he hadn’t even heard her come in. Justin looked at his watch. It was just after 2:30 and he shook his head, not realizing what the time was.
“I didn’t even give it a thought … so no … I haven’t.”
“Good,” Michelle grinned at him and closing the door and coming into the room, Justin saw that she was carrying a small and rather interesting looking cardboard box containing two paper bags and two take-out coffees. “There’s a great deli not too far from here … I had to go out for some supplies and picked something up on the way back.” It had struck Michelle that Justin probably wouldn’t have known about the cafeteria and getting something for herself, she thought getting Justin lunch would be a nice way to strike up a friendship and make him feel welcome.
“I hope you’re not vegetarian,” stated Michelle and she took one of the bags from the box and placed it on his desk. But then Justin caught the sudden look of horror on her face.
“You’re not, are you?” she asked, now rather worriedly and grinning, Justin shook his head again as he reached for the bag. “No, I’m not … and this smells delicious,” and opening up the bag, Justin couldn’t hide his disbelief as he stared at the triple-decker.
“Roast beef and Swiss cheese with lettuce … I told them to hold the onion … I didn’t think you’d want to be breathing that over everyone for the rest of the day,” chuckled Michelle and choosing one of the coffee’s, she placed that on his desk also. “Cream?“ she asked him, picking up a couple of small cartons, but Justin declined.
“Thanks for this,” smiled Justin, gratefully, and he reached around for his jacket on the back of his chair, intent on finding his wallet.
“My treat,” stated Michelle, waving away the offer of reimbursement and smiling, she started to retreat.
“Stay and eat with me?”
“I’d be glad of a break,” stated Justin and Michelle grinned at him. “Sure,” and placing the box with her own lunch down on the desk, she pulled up the nearest chair.
Michelle and Justin hit it off right away, though after a while, he could see she appeared to be studying him a little. Then the conversation got around to the other teachers and Justin mentioned how welcoming everyone had been and how he’d had several invitations to meet up after class.
“Are you going to?“ Michelle asked him, taking a swallow of her coffee.
“I’m not sure … maybe,” answered Justin as he took the final bite of his mammoth sandwich. “How about you?”
Michelle shook her head and then, through a mouthful of lunch she told him:
“A few girlfriends and I are heading out to the Pink Panther later.”
“The Pink Panther?” queried Justin, trawling that name up from something he was sure he’d read when looking into San Francisco’s nightlife. And then he remembered.
“Isn’t that …”
“A gay bar,” confirmed Michelle and having now swallowed the last of her food, she then nodded. “Sure … I mean … I’m not … none of us are … not that it matters.“
“But we go there sometimes … when we want a hassle free night.”
“It’s one of the most popular gay bars in the city,” Michele continued.
“The music’s fantastic, the décor’s great … and the cocktails are killers.
“Plus the clientele is fun … and mostly hot too.” And then:
“Why don’t you come with us?” she asked him, looking at him over the brim of her coffee. With a glint in her eye, she saw what she thought was a slight grin on Justin’s mouth as he realized she knew. Michelle’s own grin grew even broader.
“I knew it … my gaydar doesn’t normally let me down!” she told him triumphantly.
“You could tell that from watching me eat a sandwich?” Justin grinned back at her, but the start of at least one new friendship was formed there and then. And being the sort of person Michelle was, it didn‘t even occur to her to ask him if he knew that Brogan Kennedy was also gay. She just didn‘t think it mattered.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brogan stayed in his classroom the rest of the day as he tried to avoid any more contact with Justin, completely foregoing lunch altogether. One or two teachers popped in to say ‘Hi’ after having had no contact during the summer break, but no-one stayed too long. Brogan appeared pretty pre-occupied and indeed, he had been trying hard to concentrate on the new curriculum as well as wading through the new policies and procedures Millar had brought in to him. Great. More paperwork. But it was probably just as well, at least it kept him occupied. But it also meant Brogan wasn’t leaving himself much of an opportunity to decide what he was going to do about Justin.
More than once, he’d taken his letter of resignation out of his back pocket and looked at it. But then he’d put it back, still wondering whether he dare stay as long as he could; just to be close to Justin again for a little while longer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As promised, Brogan rang Nicholas. But he only confirmed that he wouldn’t be seeing the man that evening. But it wasn’t because school had been manic, it was just that he really couldn’t think what to say to him and be able to look him in the eye, knowing and accepting now how he still felt about Justin. Nicholas deserved better, Brogan admitted to himself and he knew he would have to face him.
Getting back to his own apartment that evening, with the late summer sun, the place felt stuffy and claustrophobic and on top of that, he hadn’t replenished his drink supply since getting home from vacation and had finished the bottle the previous night. So the only way to get a decent drink would be to go out and get one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having been given instructions on how to get there from his apartment, Justin arrived outside the bar, just as Michelle and her friends approached from the other direction: five ladies, who looked like they were determined to have a good time.
After quick introductions and some good natured banter, they entered the bar. Justin didn’t exactly need an escort, but Michelle had gotten to know lots of the guys, and girls, staff and patrons alike, at the Pink Panther pretty well and it sounded friendly and a good place to start. There was no way it could be a late night though, with tomorrow being the first day of the new semester, but it would be a good chance to take another look at San Francisco’s gay nightlife.
Although the lighting was low, Justin could tell the place was well decorated and furnished and definitely more up-market than Woody’s. But the same familiar music caught his attention, seemingly that never changed, although the clientele too looked a little more well-heeled than those back in the Pitts.
Michelle and the girls seemed to know just about everyone on a first name basis and Justin was soon introduced and received several appreciative nods and glances. A few minutes later and now with their drinks, the ladies took a table on the downstairs level while Justin stayed at the bar. Two drinks would be his limit, but this was a good opportunity to break the ice and looking around, Michelle was right; the guys were hot and he’d definitely be back when he could stay longer and didn‘t have to worry about class the following morning.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The place was pretty full for a week night with guys, and a few girls, standing in groups near the bar as well as sitting at the counter and Justin had exchanged words with a few of them, though he wasn’t looking to hook up.
Having finished his first drink, Justin was attempting to attract one of the barmen’s attention in order to get a refill. That’s when he noticed a hand come out of the shadows at the end of the bar to his far right when, owing to the lack of lighting, he hadn’t even realized the counter continued that far and that someone was actually sitting down there.
The hand was holding an empty shot glass and like himself, unable to attract anyone’s attention, so the man leaned forward into the light to make himself more visible. That’s when Justin saw it was Brogan and fully understood the comment made in the teacher’s lounge earlier in the day.
The barman nearest to him refilled Justin’s glass and then he saw another barman collect the bottle of JB from the back of the bar and replenish Brogan’s drink.
“Haven’t seen you around in a while,” commented the barman and Brogan shook his head. “That’s because I haven’t been around,” came the short, curt answer and with a barman’s perception, the man left him to his own devices.
This time remaining in the light, Brogan swallowed his drink in one. He then placed the empty glass down on the counter and continued to stare ahead, rolling his lips into his mouth as he thought over the last couple of days; his mind continually churning over everything that had happened in such a short space of time. Eventually, he had the feeling that someone was watching him and he turned to look down the bar. That’s when Brogan realized Justin was there and staring straight at him.
Brogan had been in the bathroom, which was located in the part of the building nearest to where he was sitting, when Justin and the group of ladies arrived and when he’d slipped back onto the stool at that end of the bar, Brogan hadn’t even known that Justin was there among the crowd. But then he wasn’t really paying attention to anyone, he’d been lost in his own thoughts and ready for this third drink. He’d intended that it would be his last. He couldn’t put it away like he used to and certainly didn’t need a hangover on the first day of term.
He’d finished his drink and then he turned and his gaze met Justin’s and he saw the younger man swallow and look away and Brogan closed his eyes and leaned back into the shadows.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin had studied Brogan’s profile as the barman had spoken to the man and the back of Justin’s neck had, for some unknown reason, begun to prickle. Brogan still had the beard and longer hair, but the nose, lips and how he held himself screamed Brian once again, only this time even more so. Then he saw Brogan down his drink and place the glass back on the counter and do that so familiar lip roll and looking ahead of him without actually seeing anything. And Justin recognized that same distant expression that Brian used to have when he’d been worried or concerned about something but refused to admit it.
Justin frowned and tried to shake off that feeling of familiarity and wondered why Brogan looked even more like Brian than before. Maybe it was the surroundings that reminded him more vividly; seeing the man in a gay bar and with a glass in his hand. Justin knew it was totally crazy and didn’t make any sense at all, but it didn’t stop his stomach turning somersaults. Brogan was a good looking guy, even though Justin didn’t normally go for this particular look. But undoubtedly, there was something about the man that was drawing him in.
Justin looked away and then took a swallow of his own drink, knowing that Brogan was now aware of his presence. Justin realized it would seem odd if he didn’t speak to the man, but just as he was about to get up from his stool and head towards him, Michelle appeared and patted Justin on the shoulder. She and a friend were on the way to the bathroom and had just stopped to say ‘Hi’ in passing. Justin smiled at them and, not for the first time, wondered why girls always went to the ladies’ room in pairs, gay or straight. He knew why guys went, but that was different.
And when the girls had moved on, he’d looked over and peering deeper into the shadows, Justin could see that place at the end of the bar was empty. Brogan had gone.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fuck. Why did he have to come here, of all places? Even with the distance between them, Brogan had seen the look of confusion in Justin’s eyes at discovering him there and at how the younger man had looked away. He’d only come to the bar for a few quiet drinks, and it never occurred to him that he’d run into Justin. Brogan knew Michelle and her friends occasionally went there, but that had never been a problem and Michelle had never repeated to anyone that’s she’d seen him there or who she’d seen him with, not that he’d been there much since he’d started his relationship with Nicholas.
For a moment, knowing that Justin had seen him, Brogan’s first instincts told him to get the hell out of there. But closing his eyes, all Brogan felt was that for the last few years, he’d been doing nothing but running away and he was getting so tired of it all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Isn’t it funny … who you run into in these places?”
Justin jumped as Brogan slipped into the newly vacant stool beside him and spoke into his ear over the music. While Justin had been looking down the bar for him, the man had walked behind the others sitting at the counter and had come up behind him. Michelle had smiled at Brogan as she‘d passed by, but hadn’t stopped to speak with him and, as always, Brogan appreciated her discretion. But then he’d taken a deep breath and moved down the bar and with his heart thumping, he‘d sat down beside Justin; oh so reminiscent of all those evenings spent at Woody‘s, a lifetime ago.
“You better not have a hangover tomorrow … you’ll need all your wits about you … otherwise the students will eat you alive,” stated Brogan and he smiled at Justin.
“I … I won’t,” stuttered Justin, eventually finding his voice and he stared into Brogan’s eyes; hazel eyes and he tried to smile back at him. And then he watched as Brogan got off the stool and headed for the exit, with the man‘s long legs crossing the distance in just a few strides. Justin shook his head and suddenly felt a shiver, despite the heat in the bar.
Making his way out the door, Brogan pondered why he’d stopped to speak to Justin instead of just making his escape when he could. But then he wondered whether deep down, that it could be that he was actually hoping that Justin would realize who he was so he could put an end to this whole, exhausting charade. While that could still be dangerous for all concerned, at least the deception would be over.
Too tired to walk home, even though it was a very warm and pleasant evening, Brogan took a cab. Leaning back against the headrest, he felt drained; this whole situation was getting to him and threatening to drag him down like it had at the very beginning.
For the sake of his sanity, he knew this couldn’t go on and he was starting to think that Justin was beginning to suspect something was wrong anyhow, the way he‘d looked at him earlier. Brogan knew he would have to come to a decision and soon. And when he did, what if he were to tell Justin the truth instead of continuing the lie?
Depending upon the younger man’s reactions, the resulting situation could bring unwanted attention and resurrect dangers that Brogan had hoped were long passed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Keeping to the two drinks he would allow himself, it took Justin a lot longer to consume the second one than it had the first and he’d sat for almost twenty minutes, unhearing anything going on around him and rolling the glass around in his hands as he stared into the middle distance.
Having at first dismissed Brogan’s familiarity to Brian as purely coincidental, the likeness was now bothering him so much so that it was now definitely unnerving him.
Being around someone who looked so much like the man he’d loved was beginning to bring back so many memories, some wonderful but many painful memories, that Justin would have preferred to leave where they were. But it wasn’t just the pain of being reminded of his love that was starting to haunt him, because if he had to admit it, he was also beginning to feel attracted to Brogan. Justin sighed, he really didn’t need that; that would be too mind-blowing, but it was also the confusion this situation was now creating in that a tiny spark of a notion was beginning to grow.
However ridiculous, unbelievable, unlikely and probably laughable it was, Justin was starting to think that maybe the man actually WAS Brian.
Justin groaned at how incredibly dumb that sounded and how he was allowing his imagination to run away with him. Taking a deep breath, he swallowed the remainder of his drink in one, then saying good night to Michelle and her friends, Justin started to walk home, glad of the night air and the opportunity to try and clear his head.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Arriving back at his apartment still as confused as when he’d left the bar, Justin knew it was getting late and would be later still in the Pitts. He’d completely lost track of the shifts Daphne was doing at the hospital, but he needed to talk this through and knew that however late it was, she wouldn‘t mind in the least.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Luckily, it was a night off and Daphne was treating herself to a pot of ice-cream as she watched an old late night horror movie. On her own in her darkened apartment, she‘d completely jumped out of her skin and nearly ended up wearing her ice-cream when her cell rang on the sofa beside her.
“Sorry … did I wake you?” asked Justin apologetically, as he looked at his watch and only now just realized how late it actually was in PA.
“No … but I was in the middle of a three-way,” chuckled Daphne and she could almost hear Justin’s frown until the penny finally dropped.
“Say Hi to Ben and Jerry for me,” chuckled Justin back at her and Daphne groaned. “What makes you think I haven’t actually got a couple of guys here?” she asked him, exasperated at the thought he wouldn’t think her capable of doing anything so outrageous. But then again he obviously knew her too well.
“Give me a break, Daph,” sighed Justin.
“You’re a one man girl,” he continued and Daphne conceded. “Okay … you got me.”
“It’s just me … what remains of pot of Chocolate Fudge Brownie … and a couple of aliens,” admitted Daphne and reaching for the remote, she turned down the volume on the TV.
“So … how’s it going?” asked Daphne, plonking herself back down on the sofa and folding her legs up under her.
“All ready for the big day tomorrow?”
“Taking class isn’t worrying me,” stated Justin, but by the note in his voice, it was obvious to Daphne that something was.
“Okay … give,” she instructed him and Justin sighed as he sat down on his bed and toed off his shoes before scooting backwards into the pillows.
“It’s another teacher … he …”
“You’ve met a guy?” squealed Daphne and mentally crossing her fingers that Justin had already hooked up with someone really nice, she was actually disappointed when he told her that wasn’t the case.
“No … it’s nothing like that,” stated Justin, but from the tone of his voice, Daphne wondered whether Justin wished there was.
“And it’s probably just me,” and Justin sighed and closed his eyes.
“What is it?” asked Daphne, after a few moments silence. After Justin’s hesitation, she was now a little concerned and thinking he must be worried about something to call her after midnight.
“Well … his name is Brogan … Brogan Kennedy …“
“And he … he just …” and Justin took a deep breath.
“He just looks so much like Brian.”
“Even though he’s got a beard and longer hair … much longer hair … and looks … well … kinda scruffy.”
“I mean he’s still pretty hot … but scruffy.”
“But his eyes … nose … build … he’s Brian’s double …”
“Oh Justin,” sighed Daphne. “Are you sure he looks like Brian … or is it just that you’re wanting him to?” she asked him and then she heard her friend sigh in reply.
“I dunno Daph … maybe I am,” he answered her, admitting that would logically be why he was beginning to feel so attracted to the man. But the thought of entering into any relationship with him was surely out of the question; that would be so totally weird and probably not for the right reasons.
“But he even has his mannerisms … the way he rubs the bridge of his nose … and rolls his lips into his mouth when he’s thinking …”
“It’s just … so Brian,” and then Daphne heard Justin groan at what he perceived to be his own stupidity.
“You’re right … it’s totally ridiculous.”
“I mean … what possible reason would Brian have for faking his own death?” stated Justin, admitting to himself that’s what he was beginning to think, however, implausible it sounded.
“It isn’t possible.“
“I mean we were at the hospital … there was a funeral … we even had a memorial,” Justin continued, attempting to answer his own doubts. But the realization gradually dawned that although he’d been the one to find Brian; alone, naked and perilously close to death, he’d never actually seen the man’s body once pronounced dead. Though his stomach now churned at the very thought of it.
“Have you said anything to him?” asked Daphne, cutting through his thoughts and Justin shook his head. “Not really … only that he reminded me of someone.”
“Do you know anything about him?” his friend asked him, and again, Justin had to admit: “No … I don’t ... we’ve only just met.“
“We’ve had one meeting … he teaches the Sales, Marketing and Advertising Course … and his students cross over into Graphic Art … I’m supposed to work with him on setting and evaluating their course work.”
“And I’m due to spend time in his class the next coupla days,” Justin informed Daphne, though he was beginning to think how difficult that was going to be.
“But I did run into him in a gay bar tonight.”
“It does all sound a bit weird” observed Daphne, after listening to her friend describe this Mr. Kennedy who so closely resembled Brian Kinney.
“The way he looks so much like Brian … and the fact that he’s gay too … and teaching advertising I mean … the same as Brian was in?”
“But it is a business school, Daph,” Justin pointed out to her and Daphne sighed. “I guess,” she conceded. But the more she thought about it, the more it was also beginning to sound a little odd to her too. Could anyone be someone’s double that much? In looks and mannerisms and on top of that, he was also gay and connected with advertising like Brian was. And though Daphne knew her friend was more than capable of acting the drama queen at times, there was no way he’d be this concerned and call her up for nothing. Especially with something as potentially damaging as this. Justin was obviously worried and maybe even a little scared.
“What are you going to do?” asked Daphne and Justin shrugged. “I have absolutely no idea.”
“I mean … what if it isn’t Brian and that Brogan really does just look like him … I can hardly just front up and accuse the man of being someone else and faking his identity.”
“But … just for argument’s sake … what if it is Brian … what will you do?” asked Daphne, now anxious at how Justin would take the news if the incredible should actually be true.
Justin was unable to answer her and the silence on the other end of the line told Daphne the possibility and its meaning was beginning to hit home.
Justin felt the dismay start in his stomach and move upwards into his throat. And then he could taste the bile in his mouth. The thought that Brian, seemingly without any thought about the man he was supposed to be in love with and due to marry, had simply abandoned him and left without any word, made him feel sick to his stomach.
But worst of all, if the man masquerading as Brogan Kennedy was, in actual fact, Brian Kinney, then the manner of Brian’s leaving had allowed Justin to believe he was dead. And then Justin felt the tears well up in his eyes and fought dismally to keep them in check, the prospect of discovering such a truth too painful to contemplate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Having finished his call with Daphne, promising to keep in touch and ring her whenever he needed to, Justin stripped off and climbed under the duvet. Laying in bed, in the darkness of his still unfamiliar apartment, Justin told himself, over and over again, that there was no way Brian would just leave without any word and make him believe he was dead in the process. The man surely couldn’t hurt him like that.
Brian was capable of saying and doing hurtful things, Justin knew all too well. But all that was in the past and when he’d not trusted his feelings or dared to believe in the depth of Justin’s love for him. But surely even Brian Kinney wouldn’t be capable of inflicting anything as painful as this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eventually, Justin had fallen into a fitful sleep. Consequently, contrary to his intentions, he was struggling to be on top of his game a little this morning and wasn‘t quite as excited as he should be.
The revised timetable the Dean had given him allowed for some time this afternoon for him to sit in on Brogan’s class. But he wasn’t sure now whether he was looking forward to it or dreading it.
Damn Brogan Kennedy. His likeness to Brian and the doubts Justin had about him, despite or maybe because of his attraction to the man, was just too confusing and threatening to ruin his first day of teaching class and he was glad he hadn‘t run into him on the way into school. But as soon as Justin set foot inside his classroom, the fact that he was embarking on a new chapter in his life now fully hit home and Justin felt his stomach muscles tighten as he couldn’t help but think over the events that had brought him to this point.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It took Justin a couple of minutes and a few deep breaths before he managed to shrug off everything other than what he was about to do and with a few minutes to go, his cell rang, just as he was about to switch it off.
“Darling … I just wanted to wish you good luck for your big day … I was hoping I’d catch you … I forgot about the time difference.”
Hearing his Mom’s voice, Justin suddenly felt like a little boy being sent off to school for the first time, rather than now as an adult and a fully qualified teacher just about to take a class. But then he knew he’d always be his Mom’s little boy and the call just helped to reinforce how much she’d supported him, in every aspect of his life and he loved her even more for it.
“Hi Mom … thanks … you just caught me.”
“Then I won’t keep you … but will you call me later and tell me how it went?” she asked him and Justin said he would.
“Mom,” Justin stopped his Mom from ringing off and Jennifer could hear the deep affection her son felt for her in his voice.
“Thanks for everything … I love you.”
“I love you too, darling,” and Jennifer swallowed, not wanting her own feelings to get the better of her and transfer to Justin; the two of them were so alike and it didn’t take much for either of them to get emotional.
Promising to call her later, Justin switched off his cell as the first of his students started to arrive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the preliminaries were out of the way and introductions made, it was straight down to work. Justin was keen to instill the right atmosphere into his class as well as not allowing himself any time to dwell on Brogan. Thankfully, all his students wanted to be there and were eager to learn and his first class was for those who purely wanted to become graphic artists. Brogan‘s students would be introduced to graphic art a little later in their course.
“Graphic artists … sometimes known as graphic designers … plan, analyze and create visual solutions to communication problems … deciding the most effective way of getting a message across in print, electronic and film media … and using a variety of methods such as color, type, illustration, photography, animation … and various print and layout techniques.”
Sitting on the edge of his desk as he addressed the class, Justin soon conquered any nerves he might have had earlier and pretty soon held everyone’s attention.
“This course will enable you to develop the overall layout and production design of magazines, newspapers, journals, corporate reports and other publications.“
Justin went on to describe how graphic artists were also involved in the promotion of products and services as well as the use of graphics in creating ever more sophisticated ads for television and their use in TV shows and movies.
Wow. It certainly sounded as if the new Graphic Arts teacher knew his stuff and already, Justin’s students were beginning to get as excited as he now was, by what was in store for them on the course. And by the questions the students asked, it seemed that some of them were working towards positions in TV and movies as well as publications and business in general.
“The first step in developing a new graphic design is to determine the needs of the client … the message the design should portray … and its appeal to customers or users.”
“Graphic artists and designers gather relevant information on target groups by meeting with clients, creative or art directors, and by performing their own research.”
“They prepare sketches or layouts to illustrate their vision for the design … mostly using computer packages … although some may still prefer to illustrate by hand ….”
The fact that Justin certainly did know his stuff became more evident as he continued to outline exactly what being a Graphic Artist entailed and what he hoped the course would include and enable the students to achieve.
The course itself was pretty intensive and demanded total commitment to succeed; the students also going out into the workplace as part of gaining their qualification. And, not for the first time, was Justin beginning to appreciate his own relatively short spell as an intern at Vangard Advertising, learning first hand the practical side of the business from one of the best. Though he hoped none of his students would make the potentially fatal mistake of going over the head of an account manager by suggesting to an important client that ’orange is the new blue’, or whatever the current equivalent was, which had got him into so much trouble.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Before Justin knew it, the morning had flown by. And, in actual fact, had finished way too soon for both students and teacher alike. The initial butterflies Justin had felt had soon disappeared; his confidence flooding back as he’d immersed himself in the coursework and started to get to know his students. But then came lunchtime and reluctantly, this particular class ended.
Justin mixed with the students as they left the classroom, continuing their discussions as they went. As a relatively small school, the teachers and students ate in the same cafeteria, lined up for their meals together and often sat at the same tables.
Having chosen his meal and taken his seat, Justin opened up his bottled water. He looked around for Brogan, his students already in the cafeteria, but the man didn’t appear.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
While the afternoon session would be for new students, Brogan’s morning class was for those in their second year, with everyone knowing everyone else and Mr. Kennedy. Therefore, if anyone noticed that their teacher wasn’t quite as sparkling as they’d come to appreciate, no-one said anything. But he did get one or two slightly impertinent comments, no insult intended, about his current beard and hair style and likening him to Grizzly Adams. And then someone in the class stated they’d not realized that Mr. Kennedy was into bears.
Allowing a couple of minutes for the class to enjoy the joke, even at his expense, Brogan settled them back down. Even he had to smile at that one and ran his fingers through his beard; it would have to go and soon. The banter, generally good natured, had never bothered him. He’d never made a secret of his homosexuality and at least one of the students was gay. If there’d been any pointed remark or hint during the start of their first year together, it had soon been countered and Mr. Kennedy’s professionalism and knowledge of his subject, quickly overcame any prejudices there may have been to start with. He was there to teach, who he slept with was nobody else’s business.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The previous evening, Brian felt more tired than he could remember in a long time, but together with the few drinks he’d consumed, he’d slept better than he’d hoped and thankfully, there was no sign of any hangover.
Knowing how much he was neglecting Nicholas, Brogan rang him to say he’d catch up with him as soon as he could, only to be told that Nicholas was in a hurry and needed to leave in order to see an important client and would be away overnight.
Brogan breathed a silent sigh of relief. At least he had respite from dealing with this part of the mess he was in, for a day or two anyway.
Since coming into school early this morning, Brogan had gone over the day’s lessons time and time again, determined to keep his mind off Justin for as long as possible and concentrate on his students. Justin was due to sit in with his class in the afternoon and he wasn’t sure now how he was going to handle it.
And with the morning session over, all too soon, Brogan hung back until the last minute before going into the cafeteria to quickly pick up some lunch. Thankfully, Justin wasn’t there and Brogan had a little more breathing space to work out what he was going to do.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After lunch, Justin waited for Brogan’s students to arrive before he joined the class himself. That way, it wouldn’t leave room for awkward conversation between the two of them.
With a cursory acknowledgement between the two men and Justin‘s quick apology for lateness, he took a seat at the back of the class. Following his conversation with Daphne, he still wasn’t sure what he was going to do. Brogan might not have any connection at all to Brian and if Justin was going to continue to work at the school, he couldn’t just come out and accuse the man of lying about who he was.
He’d wondered whether he just ought to be honest and tell Brogan about Brian and see what the man had to say. But in the meantime, the Dean expected the two men to work together and Justin tried hard not let Brogan’s likeness to Brian get in the way of learning from him and Millar was right, Brogan certainly knew his subject.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brogan took a deep breath and after quietening the students down, the necessary introductions were made, including introducing Justin to the group. Most, if not all of Brogan’s students, would also attend the graphic art class and this actually turned into a useful way to meet another of their teachers.
Brogan frowned. It was so weird having Justin sitting in with his class. It felt a bit like when the younger man had been an intern at Vangard and had sat in on a few of his presentations. And it certainly wasn’t easy, trying to ignore Justin’s presence, but launching into the aims and content of the course, Brogan was soon into his stride.
“Advertising, marketing, promotions and sales managers coordinate the market research, marketing strategy, sales, advertising, promotion, pricing, product development… and public relations activities …”
Justin blinked and leaned back in his chair as he listened to the man and Brogan explained the nature of the business course they’d signed up for. As Brogan continued to outline his vision for the course and for his students, Justin felt a tingle up his spine and absentmindedly picked up a pencil and began to play with it.
Brogan described the roles and responsibilities of those involved in sales, advertising and marketing and very soon, it wasn’t only the students who were enthralled.
Obviously, the man had an insight and passion for his chosen subject that was very infectious, increasing the pull he had on Justin. And as Justin listened to him, without even realizing what he was doing, he opened up the notebook he’d brought with him and began to doodle.
Brogan had started the class sitting on his desk, but he never could stay still for very long.
He always did like to walk among the students and seeing Justin’s head now down over his pad, Brogan’s curiosity got the better of him. Walking as close to him as he dared, he’d been shocked to see what Justin was working on.
Returning to the front of the classroom and taking a break from talking himself, Brogan encouraged the students into a discussion among themselves. He continued to glance over at Justin whenever he thought it was safe to do so and couldn’t help noticing how the younger man flexed the fingers of his drawing hand.
Watching Justin as he drew and seeing the physical discomfort he still experienced, brought a lump to Brogan’s throat and a tightness in his chest. And, for a moment, he wasn’t hearing what the students were saying.
Being reminded of his love and admiration for the younger man, Brogan brought to mind exactly how much Justin had lost and everything the younger man had been through came flooding back.
Firstly, Justin had lost his father, through the man’s rejection of his son’s sexuality after he’d had a wonderful relationship with him for the first 17 years of his life. It was an estrangement that the young man had fought to come to terms with, once telling his mother that he thought his father would prefer him dead to being gay and it was a separation that still hurt immensely.
Then he’d almost lost his life when, taking exception to the way Justin wore his sexuality proudly, a fellow student had expressed his hatred for him with a baseball bat.
And then, through the subsequent reduction of his motor skills, Justin had also lost his ability to produce the beautiful fine artwork he’d had the talent for. A gift the beauty of which Brogan would be willing to bet was capable of rivaling that of any of the classics. It was only Justin’s sheer determination to nevertheless succeed, that had enabled him to continue with other forms of art: True talent and bravery still winning through.
And finally, he’d lost his love. A love that Justin had fought so hard for and won. A love that had opened up Brian Kinney’s heart and set him free to be who he was capable of being. Brogan daren’t begin to imagine the hurt Justin went through, coming to terms with Brian’s loss. He’d lost Justin, but at least he’d known he was alive.
And Brogan knew now, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that at the very least, Justin deserved to know the truth, regardless of the consequences. It was his due.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It wasn’t until his name was spoken twice, that Brogan was brought back to reality and with his heart pounding and his palms wet, he continued with the class, forcing himself to concentrate on what he was doing, but now clear in his mind exactly what his course of action was to be.
Once the class was over, he would ask Justin to meet with him and then tell him the truth, however painful that would be for both of them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This afternoon was the longest Justin had heard Brogan speak, with only the meerest hint of Irish accent now seemingly remaining and he had totally fallen under the man’s spell. Justin’s pencil continued to move over the page as he quickly glanced up at Brogan and then returned to what he was doing, only stopping when he was forced to stretch and flex his fingers, having not drawn now for some considerable time.
But totally caught up with Brogan’s obvious enthusiasm, his attraction to the man, both physically and professionally, was even more heightened. And then suddenly, Justin heard a phrase that stopped him in his tracks.
One of the students had asked Brogan about their future earning potential and Brogan’s answer had been:
“In the right position with the right company … it is possible to achieve incredibly high earnings.”
“Though to do that … you’ll probably be required to work long, hard hours … that will often include evenings and weekends …”
Justin blinked and shot a look at Brogan; that phrase sounded like … what the hell did it remind him of? And then he remembered.
“You also understand you'll be required to work long, hard hours … sometimes deep into the night.”
That was the phrase Justin had been reminded of, when he’d gone to Brian’s office and told the man he should give him a second chance after he’d realized what a mistake it had been to believe Ethan’s version of love.
As the man continued, Justin looked back at the notebook and there, staring back at him was Brogan’s face.
Slowly, Justin inverted the pencil and with the eraser, began to shorten the hair and remove the man’s beard from his drawing. He had no real idea of the shape of Brogan’s jaw line, but he worked instinctively and it wasn’t long before it was no longer Brogan’s face he was looking at. And, with a knot in the pit of his stomach, Justin realized the doubts that had been slowly creeping over him had always been based on the truth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Justin’s heart was pounding and part of him wanted to get up and run from the class, terrified of facing the man and confirming his fears. The other part of Justin kept him rooted to the spot, his mind whirling and unable to move, but no longer hearing the discussion going on in class.
He had so many questions, but wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answers.
The older man watched Justin, who now no longer seemed to be drawing but was staring out of the window instead. Justin knew, of that he was in no doubt and although it seemed an age, it was only a few minutes later that the bell sounded and the class came to a halt.
Justin swallowed as the students filed out of the classroom, several of them stopping to comment on something to Mr. Kennedy, who was sitting on the edge of his desk as they left. Eventually, the room was silent, deathly silent, with neither man speaking, until quietly:
“Justin … we need to talk.”
Justin briefly closed his eyes before turning his head and now stared straight ahead of him and into the face of the man he knew to be Brian Kinney.
To be continued.
With many thanks to Lois, Judy, Pat, Elsa Rose & Richard. I love you guys - you know why.
Acknowledgments:
http://www.bls.gov/oco/ocos090.htm
http://www.bls.gov/oco/ocos020.htm
http://degreedirectory.org/articles/Graphic_Art_and_Design_Associate's_Degree.html