Chapter 5: Going over his words to Ben and Michael at Gus’ birthday party played heavily on Justin’s mind. Surely he really didn’t have any doubts about his and Brian’s relationship? He’d loved Brian right from the start and even if it had taken five years for it to happen, Brian had eventually confessed his love for him in return. Justin didn’t really know why he’d blurted it out, because he didn’t really believe it, did he? With it apparent that Ben and Michael knew that Justin thought Brian had let him down, Justin felt ashamed that his private feelings about Brian had somehow become public knowledge. And he’d hated how doubtful he’d sounded about their relationship. They would have made it work, given half a chance, wouldn’t they? But as he said, now they would never know for sure and actually voicing that uncertainty made his heart ache even more. Right now, Justin couldn’t imagine a time when he still didn’t love Brian, despite his confusion surrounding the manner of his death. One day, when he was ready, he was bound to start seeing someone else, but something inside told Justin that he’d never allow himself to get as involved with someone so deeply ever again as he had with Brian; he‘d never survive this kind of pain again, but in actual fact, he did miss the sex. Justin was a young man whose appetites and needs wouldn’t diminish because his partner had died. But surely, it would feel as if he were cheating on Brian, wouldn’t it? Justin chuckled to himself at how dumb that very idea would seem, especially to Brian; plus they’d had an agreement that if either of them tricked it wouldn’t be a problem for them, so why should that change now? Though at this point in his life, it was unthinkable to imagine any man ever taking Brian’s place in his heart, Justin ached not to be with someone. Not to experience that extraordinary level of closeness and intimacy you only get when two people have been lovers for as long as he and Brian had, when eventually there had been a total fusing of hearts, minds and souls; that just would not be possible. But he missed the physical side of their relationship. Brian was one of the few men Justin had ever allowed inside his body and he missed the high it gave him; the euphoria, the pure pleasure and animalistic need to feel that man’s body enter his and feel at one with him, so totally and completely connected. Or, indeed, he missed having another man give of himself; to allow Justin to be inside him and in control. Justin still remembered the first time he’d taken Brian. He thought the man was going to refuse at first and their eyes had met while Brian tried to process his feelings and Justin had hardly believed it when he’d rolled over, after offering only the merest token of resistance. But Brian realized he couldn’t refuse, for this was the night Justin finally became a man in every sense of the word; when he was no longer too proud to ask for help. At first, Justin could feel the tenseness and hesitancy in Brian’s body and the initial reluctance to relinquish control. A lot of years had passed since Brian had permitted that to happen and sensing this, Justin had taken time to allow Brian to become accustomed to both his size and the intrusion. Brian would never admit he actually enjoyed it, though his short, gasping breaths and moans of pleasure as he gripped the sheet tightly had surely given him away. Or it could have been the way he whispered Justin’s name as he orgasmed, without even being aware that he had done so. Suffice to say, that wasn’t the only time Justin had taken the initiative with the older man and Brian rarely denied him. Their relationship had lasted five years, give or take the months of separation, during which time Justin had eventually worn down Brian’s walls and have the man willingly give himself completely. But just as Brian had allowed himself to believe in love and act on his feelings, it had all been taken away from him and Justin was left to voice his uncertainty when all he wanted to believe, with all his heart, was that he and Brian would have made it together, as a couple, for the rest of their lives. The very fact that he had those doubts about what the future would have brought with Brian, robbed Justin of the peace of mind he hoped would eventually come. Any way he looked at it, he knew he was right, he would never really know for sure, but somehow, that didn’t make Justin love the man any less. So just when he had thought he was beginning to sort out his feelings for Brian, it seemed Justin was really just as confused as ever. And his anger at the man and at himself for their situation had, apparently, not diminished either. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was months now since Brian had died and since Justin last had sex, yet there was a time back when he thought he wouldn’t last two days without it. Physical relief now, when required, would be self-administered and would make Justin feel like a 14 year old virgin again and he really was far too old for that. For most men, and not only the gay ones, sex and love are two entirely different entities, though for Justin, the two had become closely intermingled during his relationship with Brian. Justin didn’t need other men in the same way that Brian had, though he believed the man when he’d said it didn’t have anything to do with the way he felt about Justin, but was more about retaining the identity he‘d fought so hard to protect; that of an out and proud gay man and his right to behave as such. But for Justin, separating the two emotions in his head was far more difficult than he imagined, and while he was at odds with those feelings, his body was telling him something else. But where, when and with whom would Justin take that first step and find the relief his body so often craved? A quick fuck in the men’s room at Woody’s with a total stranger? Or a hand or blow job in the back room of Babylon or maybe in the alleyway behind the club, with his ass pressed up against the cold bricks with an equally anonymous trick servicing his cock? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was fast approaching Ted’s birthday and, reluctantly at first, Ted had given permission for Emmett to have full rein in his theme at Babylon for the night, though secretly, Ted dreaded it and made Emmett promise him that he wouldn’t have to wear any sort of costume. Emmett was mortified that a). Ted didn’t trust him and b). Damn, he’d hoped to have everyone dressed similarly, once he’d decided on a theme, but he wasn’t about to let Ted thwart him in his plans. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Gladiators?” asked Ted in horror, as the gang, minus Justin, stood at the bar at Woody‘s. They didn’t go there anywhere near as much these days, but with Ted’s birthday imminent, decisions had to be made. Emmett had been working on him for the past half-hour and had eventually managed to get Ted’s agreement after all, before actually dropping the bombshell. “Won’t that make participation in the back room just a little difficult … with all that armor … not for me you understand,” Ted continued quickly as Blake raised an eyebrow. Ted and Blake’s relationship had continued to flourish despite their previous separations in a way that almost mirrored Brian and Justin’s and they’d now been together for over a year. Emmett sighed heavily. “Okay … then not gladiators per se …” “But … how about … Romans?” he offered, his face lighting up at the very thought. “Hmn, those togas are far more easy to negotiate,” nodded Ben grinning, and his husband chortled in his beer. “As long as you don’t burn the place down,” pleaded Michael, wiping his chin. “I believe that was Nero … I think … wasn’t it?” asked Emmett of the group and then he shook his head. “Whatever … it doesn’t matter …” “But I’m gonna give Teddy a Roman orgy for his birthday!” he stated gleefully and Ted groaned. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “I can’t believe I said I’d go … and dressed like this,” moaned Justin as he looked at himself in the mirror. It was Friday night and apart from Gus’ birthday party, this was Justin’s first social engagement since Brian’s death and he’d reluctantly agreed to go. But he felt he should as Ted had been so supportive since Brian’s death and Kinnetik was doing pretty damn good with him and Cyn in charge; Brian would have been so very proud. “You look wonderful, darling,” stated Jennifer as she adjusted the belt of Justin’s toga. And he did look wonderful, angelic almost, dressed in the white knee-length toga with one bare shoulder and wearing a gold belt and armband, sandals with straps tied around his calves and a laurel leaf headband in heavy gold brocade. Jennifer herself was similarly attired in the female version, as was Daphne and both women looked beautiful and extremely feminine. Tucker, who had also been persuaded to join in, sat on the sofa dressed very much like Justin, though Jennifer had to keep reminding him to keep his knees together, as he waited patiently. Justin shook his head at his reflection and wondered again how he’d managed to get talked into it. But Ted had asked him to his birthday party personally and Justin hadn’t had the heart to refuse. Besides, everyone was going, including Lindsay and, mysteriously, Donna, someone she’d met recently and Justin glanced over at Tucker and had to admit, the man did look rather fetching as he now tried to pull the fabric of his skirt down over his knees. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Don’t let me out of your sight,“ Tucker whispered to Jennifer, only half jokingly and he held onto her elbow as they entered Babylon. True, he was attracting many an admiring glance, but all Jennifer did was chuckle at his mock concern and send him to the bar to get their drinks, ignoring the horrified “by myself?” look in his eyes. “You’ll be perfectly safe,” Emmett reassured the man. “But just in case … I’ll come with you,” and as Emmett took Tucker by the arm, he couldn’t help looking back over his shoulder and downwards and then he smiled back at Jennifer. “Nice tush” he mouthed at her. “Oh my god … maybe Tucker won’t be safe after all,” stated the woman and she bit her lip. “Oh well,” shrugged Jennifer and then she, Daphne and Justin went to seek out Ted to wish him a happy birthday and pass on their gifts. Ted had been set up on a golden throne and unsurprisingly, was dressed as a Roman Emperor and attired a little more ornately than the rest of them; he was the birthday boy after all, and slave boys fanned him with huge palms. “Are we supposed to kneel before you?” asked Justin jokingly and Ted flushed slightly at the thought. But managing to push that particular vision from his mind, he groaned. “I can’t believe I agreed to this,” he told them and Justin nodded. “Me too,” and then they looked at each other and laughed. With the place closed for the night except to invited guests, Emmett had done Ted and Babylon proud. If people didn‘t come dressed appropriately there was no excuse, they were handed costumes at the door and sent to the uni-sex bathrooms to change: Luckily, the togas tended to be ‘one size fits all’. Though totally ignored by the dancers, gladiatorial and Christians and lions scenes from various movies played against the back wall. Vines, attached to which were bunches of real grapes that had been fixed to the ceiling, had been wound around the pillars and up on plinths were the go-go boys wearing togas which hardly resembled anything more than just a belt and with nothing on underneath. Daphne grinned in appreciation and both Jennifer’s eyes and mouth opened wide before she blinked and looked away, but not before Justin caught her peeking for just that moment too long and his mother blushed appropriately. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The evening was progressing brilliantly, everyone was enjoying themselves, especially Ted, which was the whole idea after all and Justin had somehow managed a convivial conversation with Ben and Michael and he’d even been persuaded by Daphne to join her in a dance or two. Justin had been almost dreading returning to Babylon and stepping out onto the dance floor again and it had required a little Dutch courage before taking the plunge. But, once out there, he eventually relaxed and found, to his surprise, that he was actually enjoying himself. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Lindsay introduced the gang to Donna, who seemed friendly enough towards them and who was obviously taken with her partner and likewise could be said for Lindsay herself, despite her earlier statement to Justin about not getting involved with anyone. Though the women didn’t stay long and by midnight, Jennifer, Tucker, Ben and Michael had also left, but the rest of them were going strong. So far, Justin had rejected any offers to dance from the guys who made their interest known, purely from their body language and looks or by those who’d been more direct and actually approached him. “It wouldn’t do you any harm just to dance with someone … I wouldn‘t mind … you don‘t have to stick with me,” Daphne tried to reassure him, but in the full glare of everyone who’d known both him and Brian, Justin wasn’t sure about being seen with anyone else. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “It’s so hot in here,” complained Daphne, over the music, having managed to get Justin out on the floor again, but then she suddenly stopped dancing. “Sorry Justin … I’m gonna have to step outside for a moment,” and she headed off the floor and for the exit. They had been on the dance floor quite a while and the heat had become oppressive. Justin nodded and let her go. At least in this neighborhood and outside this particular club, Daphne wasn’t worried about standing on her own and neither did Justin have any concerns for his friend’s safety. And, deciding to take the opportunity to get himself another drink, Justin headed for the bar. On his initial arrival, Justin couldn’t fail to notice that a number of men had watched interestedly as he’d made his entrance into the club and he now smiled at a couple of pretty hot looking guys standing at the end of the bar. Indeed, Justin had been the general topic of conversation, once he’d been spotted and word had soon gone around the place that he was there. A few men might even fancy their chances with him, now that Brian wasn’t around, but disappointingly, Justin didn’t appear to be that interested in anyone. At least not yet. Justin ordered his drink and realized he didn’t actually feel guilty about being there like he thought he would. But then, why should he? Brian would surely have understood and Justin frowned into his glass as a thought suddenly struck him. Why the hell should he care about being here at Babylon and even enjoying himself, if Brian hadn‘t been concerned enough about him not to take more care of himself? Shit. Justin closed his eyes and wondered why he kept punishing himself by continually going over what had happened that night: the night Brian died and what it meant to him and how he should continue with his life. He felt his stomach churn, but more with the ever familiar feelings of anger and disappointment than of grief this time. Justin downed his drink in one go, ordered a refill and then turned to face the crowd on the dance floor, leaning back against the counter as he did so. He took a swallow from his fresh drink and automatically, he cast his eye over the men as if deciding on a possible trick. Old habits die hard, he realized and he acknowledged several men dancing not far from him. Within a few minutes, two drinks had been consumed in quick succession and Justin’s calm and seemingly disinterested exterior masked the fact that his pulse was racing and he wondered why the hell was this so difficult after all? He’d done this hundreds of times, in Babylon or Woody’s or even in the city’s art gallery. If he’d seen a guy he liked, he’d gone after him, it didn’t matter where they were. That much he‘d learned from Brian; grab it where you can. So why was it so difficult now to make the first move? Could it be guilt after all? Justin turned his back on the men on the dance floor and faced the bar. He looked down into his empty glass and tried to make up his mind what he was going to do when a voice cut through his thoughts. “Wanna refill? You look like you need it.” Looking up, Justin found himself staring into the face of a young man who appeared to be not much older than himself and of similar build, with the greenest eyes he’d ever seen and whose his hair and complexion were a little darker than his own. He didn’t recognize him, but then, he had been out of circulation now for quite a while. And seemingly, this young man didn’t recognize Justin either or have any idea of his history. Or if he did, he didn’t care. “Refill?” the man asked again and Justin hesitated, but something in those friendly green eyes studying him set him at ease and he shrugged. “Why not?” The other man smiled and indicated the barman to refill both their glasses and then he introduced himself. “Peter,” and he held out his hand, which was readily taken. “Justin,” came the reply and Justin was surprised by the strength of the young man’s grip. “Haven’t seen you here before,” stated Peter as fresh drinks were placed on the bar in front of them and Justin couldn’t suppress a giggle, which probably owed as much to the amount of alcohol consumed throughout the night as anything else. “I’m sorry,” apologized Peter. “I guess that did sound kinda corny.” “Just a little,” smiled Justin and both men picked up their respective glasses and Peter clinked his against Justin’s and then the other man frowned. “But it does happen to be true this time … not seeing you in here before, that is,” Peter continued and Justin frowned. “I’ve … I’ve not been around much lately,” was all he offered in explanation and Peter was prepared to let it go at that. He could see by Justin’s hesitation that there was obviously a lot more to it, but he wasn’t about to press him. Peter had moved to Pittsburgh shortly after Brian had died and after the memorial, which is why he had no idea who Justin was. Though he had overheard a few people talking about Justin tonight, he hadn’t fully understood what the circumstances were there, but looking at him from up on the balcony, dancing with girl before and then standing by himself at the bar, looking so melancholy, Peter could see why everyone would be so interested. The guy was hot. But not only that, he intrigued him and he wanted to know more. “How do you know Ted?” asked Justin, taking a sip from his drink and curious as to how Peter could wangle an invitation to tonight’s event. “I moved here to start up my own photography business … I put a small portfolio together and sent it off to a few people I thought might be interested … and Ted came back to me …” “I’ve worked on a few shoots for Kinnetik now … I get along with Ted okay … for an older guy,” smiled Peter. “Wow … you seem pretty young to have your own business … and make a success out of it,” stated Justin, impressed by this young man’s determination to get his work noticed and Peter nodded. “Well … I decided I didn’t want to work for anyone else … have someone else call the shots and get fat on my hard work …” “Plus I work cheap,” Peter grinned at him. “That figures,” Justin grinned back, knowing how Ted was still an accountant at heart and always on the look out for a good deal. “How about you? How do you know him?” asked Peter, wondering what possible relationship there could be between Ted and Justin. “I’ve known Ted for several years,” answered Justin, not wanting to explain their connection any more than that and again, Peter was willing to be extremely patient. The conversation turned to their chosen professions and then photography and its perception as art, as Peter went on to talk about his work and Justin felt an immediate affinity with him. Here was a fellow artist, albeit creating in a different genre, but he could tell by the way Peter talked that he took his form of art very seriously indeed. Having found a shared interest, they talked for what seemed like ages to Justin and they both appeared to have a great deal in common. Justin was even surprised at how comfortable he felt discussing art, considering his current lack of motivation. But then that didn’t diminish his love of the subject. A couple more drinks later and the combination of alcohol and Peter’s extremely pleasant company now made Justin feel more relaxed than he had in months and he’d felt any remaining tension concerning his visit to Babylon drain away. “Wanna dance?” asked Peter eventually and he placed his hand on Justin’s right shoulder and felt him flinch, but chose to ignore it. Justin couldn’t help jumping a little when Peter touched him and he blinked and look down. “Just a dance … I promise to be good,” continued Peter and he grinned. Looking up, Justin’s heart missed a beat as he recognized that same mischievous twinkle that he’d caught in Brian’s eyes so often; a look that was so hard to refuse and one he didn’t want to. Slowly, Justin brought up his left hand and lifted Peter’s from his shoulder. “I guess one dance wouldn’t hurt,” admitted Justin and to the dismay and disappointment of several of those observing, but certainly not Daphne, Ted or Emmett, who were now watching from the balcony with Blake and Drew, Justin turned and led Peter out onto the dance floor. Having cooled down, Daphne had come back inside the club to discover Justin talking to a really cute guy at the bar and she wasn’t about to interrupt them. Seeking out the others, she was now standing with the guys, all happy to see Justin enjoying himself and even taking an interest in someone. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The two men started dancing a couple of feet apart, but gradually, with the alcohol, music and memories getting to him, Justin started to edge closer and Peter let Justin make the running. Something told him this wasn’t easy for him and not knowing the other man’s past, decided to let things progress at Justin’s pace. After a few more minutes, they were now almost touching, and then moving even nearer and reaching out, Justin took Peter’s hand which he placed at his waist. Taking this as his cue, Peter drew him in closer and for a few moments, they just gazed at each other until Justin leaned in and rested his head on Peter’s shoulder and clung to him tightly. He didn’t know what it was about him, but something told Justin that here was someone he could trust and who wouldn’t ask him any awkward questions or demand explanations. They swayed to the music and then Peter could feel Justin start to tremble in his arms and he continued to hold him, knowing instinctively that’s what was needed and it was several minutes before he drew back to look at him, wanting to make sure Justin was okay and what he saw took his breath away. Justin‘s blue eyes were filled with tears and automatically, Peter reached out to brush the hair back off the other man‘s forehead and he stroked Justin‘s cheek. Peter had never seen anyone more beautiful in his entire life than Justin looked to him right now; beautiful yet vulnerable and he struggled to get out the words. “If you want … we could get out of here … your call,” he suggested, leaning closer and speaking into Justin’s ear, in order to be heard over the music. “No strings,” emphasized Peter earnestly, and he saw Justin swallow and then nod. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ They grabbed their coats. Thankfully, Peter hadn’t suggested they go back to Justin’s; somehow that wouldn‘t have felt right. Luckily, Peter had his own, though small, apartment at the top of a house he shared with three friends, who were all tucked up in their own beds by the time Peter let him and Justin in through the front door. And it was close by, which was extremely fortunate considering they were still dressed in togas beneath their coats. The apartment was just two rooms really, the much larger one being both the living and bedroom area: it had cost Peter too much to get his business up off the ground to pay out more for an accommodation. Along one wall was the bed, with a TV and hi-fi in one corner, facing a sofa, with a folding table and chairs against the opposite wall and a small kitchenette hidden away behind hinged wooden screens and then there was a separate shower-room and toilet. In fact, the place reminded Justin of the small garret apartment he’d shared for that very short length of time with Ethan, though from the look of the obviously expensive camera equipment and computer sitting on the desk in another corner of the room, Peter was earning a lot more than Ethan was back then. Justin pushed those painful memories from his mind. He didn’t want to be reminded about that episode in his life right now. In fact, right now, Justin didn’t want to be reminded about anything; not even Brian. Especially not Brian. “I think I’ll slip into something more comfortable,“ grinned Peter and going to the dresser over by the window, he pulled out some old jeans and a tee and then he handed another, smarter set to Justin. “Here … we’re about the same size.” Peter turned away. He had every intention of keeping his honorable word, and would have offered Justin coffee and was prepared for conversation only, but before he could slip on his clothes, he was suddenly grabbed by the elbow and spun around to face the beautiful blond who pulled him in for a kiss and then drew back to look at him. Justin didn’t know who was more surprised by his actions, him or Peter, but all he knew was that it had felt so good to be held on the dance floor like Peter had held him and how he’d missed that closeness. And how he’d missed this too. Justin pulled Peter in for another, deeper kiss and Ben was right, togas offered no resistance against determination. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Peter was a more than willing partner and now, pushing every thought of Brian out of his head, Justin allowed himself to be taken over by his senses. Absorbed totally in his quest for comfort and pleasure, Justin sought to enjoy that most beautiful of journeys, with every nerve end on fire, every muscle stretched and every sinew taut and tantalized, until finally pitching head-first over the edge of the precipice and into welcomed oblivion. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Having removed the condom, which he tossed in a trash can near the bed, Justin lay down beside Peter and closed his eyes as he tried to catch his breath and it took a few moments before he realized he was being spoken to. “I said … are you okay?” repeated Peter, Justin having failed to hear him the first time and Peter propped himself up on one elbow in order to look more closely at him. The sex with Justin had just about been the hottest and most intense Peter had ever experienced and he’d wondered what had been going on in the other man’s head at the time. In fact nothing had been going on in Justin’s head other than concentrating on what he was doing, thankfully leaving no room to think about the man he still loved and whether this constituted cheating on him in some form. And now he fully understood why sex had been one of Brian’s most tried and trusted pain management methods. Although he’d never used sex, drugs or alcohol in quite the same way Brian had, after his break up with Ethan, Justin had found himself drinking alone or seeking solace in Babylon’s back room. But before long, he’d been reconciled with Brian and all that earlier pain had been put away. But then Brian died and he found himself thinking of nothing else, until now. Maybe there was a lesson to be learned in that. Forgetting Brian for a few minutes didn’t mean Justin loved him any less. But oh the relief, in not having the man and everything that had happened since the day they were supposed to have been married, occupying his every thought. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Penny for them,” offered Peter and reaching out, he took Justin’s hand. They‘d laid in silence for a few moments, but Peter, curious about Justin‘s apparent detachment during sex, something he would never have envisaged from a fellow, passionate artist and the man who had clung so tightly to him on the dance floor, wanted to know more about him and whatever was going on in his life. He almost seemed like two different people and now, despite Justin’s seemingly indifference here at the apartment, he liked him, a lot. “They’re not worth that much,” replied the other man in answer to Peter‘s offer, and slowly, Justin detached himself from the man’s hold and sat up. Pulling his knees up into his chest, Justin leaned his elbows on them and put his face in his hands, thinking that he shouldn’t be doing this, at least with someone as nice as Peter. “I’m sorry,“ stated Peter, lifting himself up to sit next to him and frowning with confusion, Justin looked over at him. “Well, it’s pretty obvious you’re wishing you weren’t here … or that I was someone else,” continued Peter and Justin sighed. “It’s not your fault …” “Everyone always says that … ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ … so why don’t you tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours … maybe I can help?” offered Peter and looking at how sincere the man appeared to be, Justin wondered whether he could do just that. It would actually be a relief to talk to somebody who hadn’t known Brian and who didn’t know of their shared history. “Obviously you don’t have to … but …” “His name was Brian … and he died … the night before we were supposed to get married,” stated Justin flatly and halting Peter abruptly, and the other man‘s mouth dropped as he tried to think what the hell he was supposed to say to that. “No shit … that’s heavy,” came the eventual reply and Peter’s heart went out to him. “Am I right in thinking this is your first time since … with anyone else?” Justin nodded. “And yet I shouldn’t feel guilty … we’d agreed that once we were married that we could carry on tricking if we wanted to … no big deal … but this …” and Justin stopped and sighed. “But this feels like you’re cheating on him … cos he doesn’t have that option … to even things up,” guessed Peter and Justin shrugged. “I guess … something like that,” and he groaned and lay back down on the pillows. “I shouldn’t be laying all this on you … I should go.” “I asked you if you’d like to talk about it … and that still goes … if you want to, that is,” confirmed Peter and he saw Justin bite his lip. “If you’re sure?” asked Justin and Peter nodded. “How about I put on some coffee,” and slipping out of bed, Peter pulled on his jeans that had earlier been dumped unceremoniously on the floor and then from the back of the bathroom door, Peter retrieved his robe, which he tossed on the bed for Justin, without saying a word. Gratefully, Justin pulled the robe around him: he would have felt far too vulnerable opening up his heart while totally naked and now robed, he got out of bed and padded over to the window, watching a few cars and other night owls making their way home and he listened to the sounds of coffee making coming from the small kitchen area. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Waiting for Peter to prepare their coffee, Justin started to look around the room, noticing for the first time the many photographs lining the walls. The first collection he came to were all black and white and it was obvious Peter liked to photograph people as opposed to landscapes or buildings. Every subject was spontaneous and unique and totally compelling in their own way; the bag lady wheeling the cart containing her entire life down the street, the football player being held up high above his team mates in order to collect the ball and the small children playing in the water from the fire hydrant on a hot summer‘s day. And then there were the more obviously posed photographs and Justin marveled at each and every one’s composition. “Your use of light and shadow is stunning,” admitted Justin as Peter handed him his coffee cup and Peter shrugged, though secretly pleased at such praise from another artist. “Thanks … I enjoy working that way … color often detracts from the subject.” “Black and white is far more striking … it makes you focus more.” “Do you work in digital or film?” asked Justin and Peter pointed to the computer. “It’s mostly digital now,” he stated, with obvious regret. “But I was actually taught the old fashioned way … and I do try and keep my hand in occasionally … for the satisfaction of doing it myself … I have a small darkroom down in the basement.” “And these are just for myself … as opposed to what I do to earn a living.” Justin nodded, appreciating the man’s desire to be more involved in the creative process rather than let the latest software do it for you and pangs of nostalgia and jealousy reared its head for just a moment. Justin could remember when he could do the fine art he so enjoyed before relying on computers to create with and, of course, the circumstance which prevented him from being able to continue with it. Taking a swallow of his coffee, Justin moved onto the next wall, where he soon realized he was indeed now looking at Peter’s commercial artistry and several photographs made his heart miss a beat. “That’s the ‘Casually Yours’ gig I did for Kinnetik last month,“ stated Peter as he saw the photographs Justin was now studying, from the recent and very successful campaign for a well known chain of his and hers fashion boutiques and Justin swallowed. “Where was the shoot?” he asked him, though he had a feeling he already knew. “Kinnetik owns this house out in West Virginia,” answered Peter. “It made a fabulous setting … it even has its own tennis court and pool.” “Don’t forget the stables,” stated Justin solemnly and Peter frowned. There was nothing in any of the photographs on the wall that would indicate the property had stables too, but of course they did. “How do you know it has its own stables … did Ted ever take you out there?” asked Peter, curiously, but Justin shook his head. “No … not Ted.“ “Brian bought that house … for us to live in after we were married,” and half smiling, he looked over at a very confused and now concerned Peter. “Brian Kinney … Kinnetik was his company,” stated Justin, by way of explanation and he saw Peter momentarily close his eyes as the man inwardly groaned. “Don’t worry … you weren’t to know,” continued Justin, but it was strange to realize that it actually did hurt to see other people using the property that he and Brian were supposed to be living in. “So … tell me about him,” requested Peter, placing his hand on Justin’s arm and he drew him back to the bed. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ In actual fact, having someone who knew nothing of their history to talk to was the best therapy Justin could have had. Peter had no preconceptions or axes to grind regarding Brian and even in the short time he’d known this man, Justin knew instinctively that he could trust him. With both of them sitting on the bed, several hours and countless cups of coffee later, Peter had heard practically all there was to know about Justin’s relationship with Brian. Justin didn’t hold back, including all the dumb things he’d done during the five years since their meeting, while trying to explain why Brian had been the way he was too and even revealing his feelings towards the man after his death. It soon became obvious to Peter, listening to Justin talk candidly about both their shortcomings, that the men had loved each other deeply and he couldn’t help feeling a little envious. Not of Justin’s relationship with Brian, but that the two of them had found something so rare and precious together: an unconditional love. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ By the time they’d finished talking it was almost light and Justin was pretty much asleep sitting up. He’d talked more tonight than he had, well, in forever and was both emotionally and physically exhausted. He’d begun to think he was well and truly on the mend, but talking to Peter, a relative stranger, had helped get so much more off his chest, that he felt a huge weight had now been lifted off him. But now Justin was about all talked out and couldn’t keep his eyes open and was only just conscious of Peter helping him back up the bed and under the duvet. For a moment, Justin opened his eyes and Peter smiled down at him. “Get some sleep … I’ll crash on the sofa … yell if you need anything,” he stated, but before Peter could move away, Justin reached out and took the man’s hand. “No … stay with me,” requested Justin and Peter met his gaze before literally stepping up onto the bed and over him and lying down behind him. Staying on top of the duvet this time, Peter snuggled up and felt Justin’s body relax as he drifted off to sleep and Peter was already in love. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The sun was shining brightly when Justin eventually woke up. Peter had showered and dressed some hours before, making sure he’d moved around the apartment quietly so as not to disturb him. Now, he was sitting at the computer, looking over something he was working on when movement from the bed caught his eye. “What time is it?” asked Justin, sitting up and having to shield his eyes from the sunlight. “Almost noon,” came back the answer and Peter grinned at him. “You were out for the count.” “You should have woken me,” Justin informed him, hoping that opening up to him and staying there all night wasn’t about to give Peter the wrong idea. But once the flood gates had opened, Justin couldn’t have stopped himself. “It’s Saturday … I assumed you didn’t have any plans,” stated Peter. “You haven’t … have you?” he now asked him, worriedly, but Justin shook his head. “No, I haven’t … but I guess I should be going,” and he threw back the duvet. Still in the robe, Justin was half-way out of bed when Peter put up his hand to stop him. “Wait … I want to photograph you,” he announced and he grabbed his camera from the desk. Justin’s hair, being something he’d put very little thought to recently, had grown quite long and seeing the golden strands spread out on the pillow had made Peter’s heart flip and it had taken every ounce of resolve for the man not to photograph Justin while he was sleeping, he’d looked so damned beautiful. Justin grinned, embarrassed at the man’s request. “You can’t be serious,” he chuckled, but clearly, Peter was. “Please?” “I’m not dressed.” “Even better,” Peter teased and then he sighed. “You look terrific,” and indeed Justin did, with those beautiful blue eyes and mass of blond, disheveled ‘just got out of bed’ hair; the robe having fallen off one shoulder, revealing more of that unblemished, alabaster skin. “How do I know that I won’t appear on some internet porn site … five minutes after I leave?” quizzed Justin, not altogether joking and Peter looked genuinely hurt. “I wouldn’t do that … this would just be for me.” Justin sighed. “Just the one?” “Just the one,” came the sincere reply and Justin really couldn’t deny Peter a harmless photograph after sitting there and listening to him go on and on about Brian half the night. “Go for it,” stated Justin and before he had a chance to move, Peter had brought up the camera, aimed it and hit the button: done and Justin chuckled again. “Was that it?” “That was it,” confirmed Peter and sitting down beside Justin on the bed, he passed over the camera for him to see. It was a great shot and boy, did Justin look hot, but young and oh so very vulnerable at the same time. “Now I really do have to get ready and go,” stated Justin. “Can I use the shower?” “Sure … I’ll get you a towel,” and Peter headed for the bathroom and dug out a clean towel. It was on the tip of his tongue to ask Justin if he wanted company, but thought better of it: It was obvious that Justin was going to take very gentle handling, but being a photographer and already hooked, Peter had plenty of patience. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Peter was nice, if anything, too nice, but Justin made no commitment when the man had mentioned getting together again, just the two of them. One day maybe, and Peter could indeed be the sort of man Justin would fall in love with, but that was a long way off. But having showered, Justin did take up Peter’s offer from last night of the change of clothing. He didn’t really fancy making his way back to the loft in the middle of the day dressed in the toga! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin could see Peter’s disappointment at his reluctance to hook up again and although it had been so good to be able to talk to someone, Justin just didn’t feel ready to get involved and it was obvious that’s what Peter wanted. Though when he returned the clothing, Justin said he’d hoped to see him around, because if Peter was happy to settle for just sex, that was fine by him. In fact, over the course of time, Peter became more than just a trick or a casual fuck buddy. He became a friend. Someone outside of the gang, other than Daphne, who Justin could talk with candidly without incurring any criticism or unwelcome opinion. This wasn’t as much as Peter hoped for, but at least he was in Justin’s life and who knew what the future would bring, once Justin was ready to become serious about someone again. But as well as becoming a confidante, Peter had allowed Justin to take that first step; one that Justin would always be grateful to him for. And the next time Justin went back to Babylon, he wouldn’t feel anywhere near as self-conscious as he had done before, but he would never take anyone back to the loft. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ At first, when Justin received his invitation to the official opening of Novotny House, he wasn’t sure if he wanted to go. But it had been one of the bequests made by Brian and Justin thought that as the man’s partner, he ought to be there. Everyone had worked flat out to get it open so quickly and he could tell by the look on Debbie’s face, how completely happy and satisfied she was with the level of care it could offer those who needed it. It was a beautiful, late summer’s day and the small crowd gathered outside in the street waited for the official opening to begin. Debbie asked Justin if he’d like to say a few words but he declined so instead, she and Michael undertook the duty together and, side by side, mother and son stood on the porch at the front of the house. “My name is Debbie Novotny … and I’m sure those of you who know me, are likely to say that generally, I’m not a person of few words,” admitted Debbie, to chuckles from those in the crowd who, indeed, did know her. “But today isn’t about words … it’s about actions …” “It’s about providing the gay community with the best facilities we can … and this house … this wonderful place of care … is a much needed addition ...“ “And has been provided by a man who preferred actions to words any day … Brian Kinney,” and Debbie smiled at Justin as a ripple of applause could be heard and then Michael coughed and took a deep breath. “I met Brian when we were 14 … he was my best friend … and from when we were kids, we did just about everything together …” “And so today, in honor of that friendship and for the man whose benevolence has made this possible … this house isn’t named ‘Novotny House’ … but I hope that everyone will approve,” and turning back towards the building, Michael removed the cloth that had been covering the place name on the wall by the front door. “Welcome to Kinney-Novotny House,” smiled Michael and his mother grinned back at him and sniffed back her tears. After the naming, the front door of the house was opened and everyone was invited in to see how it had been furnished and equipped. Justin, however, held back and Debbie stepped off the curb and crossed over to where he was standing. “You don’t mind, do you Justin?” asked Debbie, indicating the sign outside the house and Justin bit his lip. In some ways, yes, he did mind, seeing Brian’s name up there alongside Michael‘s, as if that man was laying some claim to him after all, and Justin looked at the ground as he tried to think of how he was going to answer Debbie. “It just didn’t seem right that Brian didn’t get the recognition he deserved,” continued Debbie. “Mind you … it’s gonna piss the hell outta Joan when she finds out.” Slowly, Justin started to grin at that thought and he looked up at Debbie; for that reason and that reason alone, it was worth seeing Brian’s name up there. “In that case … I think Brian would love it … and so do I,” he answered her, still grinning and Debbie sighed with relief and then took his arm. “Good … then let’s go and see what wonderful use we’ve put Brian’s money to.” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was ten months after Brian had died and Justin was only now beginning to think seriously about the future. Daily, little by little over the last couple of months especially, he’d slowly begun to emerge from beneath that suffocating feeling of helplessness and emptiness he’d been carrying with him for so long and had even gotten through his own and the first anniversary of what would have been Brian‘s birthday in one piece. His recovery was assisted, by and large, with his involvement at the GLC, looking after Gus and still helping out at the diner, which forced him to talk and engage with people. It still hurt on occasion to watch any couple, so obviously in love, sit closely together or kiss at one of the booths, but he couldn’t begrudge them. Life could be so unpredictable and short and you had to grab every moment, though he still had no inclination to return to his art. The diner he could manage with one hand tied behind his back and mainly just filled in those spare hours. He still loved looking after Gus, of course, who was growing all the time and bearing an ever stronger resemblance to his father and he continued to enjoy taking his sessions with the kids at the crèche, but Justin finally knew he had to have something more than this. Everyone was right, he’d always liked helping people, and he did have the knack of passing knowledge on, so maybe that talent could be channeled into teaching. But teach art rather than creating it? Justin wasn’t so sure he could bring himself to do that and, of course, there was the problem he still encountered with his motor skills, even after all this time since the bashing and looking down at his hand, Justin flexed his fingers. It hadn’t hurt him for some while, but that was hardly surprising, since he now never picked up a brush or pencil seriously. Helping out the kids required no concentrated effort in that respect and neither did taking down the orders at the diner. Creating in your own time and at your own pace was one thing, but teaching and being confined to a set timetable and curriculum would put additional pressures on him and Justin just didn’t think he could manage it and knew it was bound to be detrimental to any students he might teach. But, if he had the skills to impart knowledge, maybe there was something else he could do. After the bashing, Justin had switched to a college course at the IFA, which enabled him to produce computer generated art. Something else that Brian had sparked his interest in, having bought him the computer with the necessary software and showing him there were different genres of creativity and that he could still be involved with art. And now, whether it was a subconscious link to Brian, Justin would never know nor even think of, but he naturally took an interest in marketing campaigns. Justin would often find that he was comparing them to anything Brian had done or imagining the impact Brian’s influence might have had to make mediocre campaigns a whole lot better. Kinnetik was still up there with the best, if not ahead of the field, but without Brian’s hand on the helm, to Justin at least, their campaigns didn’t quite carry the impact that they had, although they were still extremely successful and increasing their client base all the time. These days, graphics, together with animation, play an increasingly important part in advertising. And already having a grounding with his computerized art, Justin decided to explore the possibility of going back to school and switching courses: if he were to teach graphic art, then he would definitely need his degree. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin successfully switched colleges and courses. It had meant dropping most of the afternoon sessions at the GLC, though loathed to end them completely, Justin still managed to squeeze in one a week during his busy schedule. And having quit the diner, he began working towards his degree, with the ultimate aim of gaining a B.S. in Science and Technology Education. Gus would miss not having him around quite as much of course, although Justin would still babysit for him whenever he could, sometimes having him over to the loft so that he could still work on the computer. Just before Ted’s birthday party, Lindsay had met and started seeing Donna, a researcher, whose partner had died a few years ago and who now organized her week around her daughter and worked mainly from home. Gus liked her and she immediately fell in love with him, and with none of the baggage Mel had carried around with her regarding Lindsay’s relationship to Gus’ father, Donna had taken the youngster into her heart with no hesitation. Donna’s daughter, Megan, was three and the product of a sperm bank donor who had no involvement in their lives, but Donna’s partner, Liz, had unfortunately died even before their daughter was born. Megan and Gus hit it off fine, Gus probably missing the little sister he had in Jenny Rebecca and was happy to spend time in Megan’s company. Donna was more than willing to have Gus home with them during the week and even offered to ferry him to and from nursery school and the crèche when neither Lindsay or Justin could. Justin had only just managed not to laugh when Lindsay had introduced them at Ted’s birthday bash and had tried not to remind her how she‘d sworn off any new relationship. But, having now met the young woman many times since the first, Justin could see the attraction. A small red-head, Donna had all of the feistiness of Mel, but lacked that particular woman‘s aggression and antagonistic nature. And, because of her own fairly recent bereavement, Donna knew exactly what Justin was going through and showed no jealousy when he wanted to spend time with Gus, his own partner’s son. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “So, how about it?” asked Daphne, but Justin shook his head. “Sounds too much like a date to me.” “It’s not a date,” insisted his friend. “It’s four people going out for a movie and something to eat … and it‘s not as it you don‘t know him already,” she stated, but Daphne hoped Justin wouldn’t see she had her fingers crossed behind her back. Richard was in a class on the same course as Justin and was a couple of years younger than him and gay and though they were friendly enough towards each other in school, dating someone was still the last thing on Justin’s mind. Richard’s sister knew Daphne through her biology classes, though Amy was a year ahead of her. Daphne had seen Amy pick Richard up after class and then a few weeks later, saw him and Justin talking together as they came down the school steps when she’d come to meet up with Justin to go and get Gus, Daphne still wanting to maintain links with the youngster too. Then, through a simple remark at her school canteen, when Daphne mentioned to Amy seeing Richard with Justin, Amy asked Daphne, almost jokingly, if Justin had a boyfriend, not even guessing he was gay too. Amy loved her brother dearly and was exasperated at the usual deadbeats he hooked up with. Daphne explained that Justin’s partner had died some, well, a year ago now, but wasn’t looking to start dating yet and Amy had sighed and stated that it was a shame as he sounded such a nice guy and maybe he and Richard just needed encouragement to get it together. Daphne didn’t want to meddle, but it worried her that Justin might be lonely. Daphne had hoped something more might have come from the night he’d spent with Peter that time, but when she’d asked him about it, Justin had shaken his head and said the man was just a good friend. She knew he now went to Babylon, but several guys she was acquainted with and made a point of talking to, always reported that he never seemed to spend more time on the dance floor than was absolutely necessary and was mostly only seen disappearing with someone into the back room. But surely now going out in a foursome couldn’t harm any. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “This isn’t gonna happen, Daph,” Justin told her, quietly, as they slid into the booth at the diner. “I thought you liked him?” whispered Daphne, as she picked up the menu. Richard had gone to the bathroom and Amy was checking out the ‘specials’ board behind the counter, which had given Justin and Daphne their first chance to talk. “He tried to hold my hand … it’s obvious he’s looking for a boyfriend … and I‘m not into boyfriends,” and Justin sighed. “He’s okay … I might like him … as a friend … but for one thing, it’s still far too soon after Brian to get serious about anyone.” “And the other thing … just ‘cos Richard is gay doesn’t automatically mean I’m gonna like him THAT way.” “So … you don’t think he’s hot?” asked Daphne and Justin shrugged. “I guess he is … but I’m just not interested.” “Do you think you ever will you be?” asked Daphne, now a little exasperated and Justin frowned. “Yes … well … .I guess so … but don’t push it … please.” “Let’s drop it … okay?” and he smiled at Amy, who now slid into the booth opposite Daphne. “I think I’ll just have the cheeseburger,” announced Amy, as her brother re-appeared from the bathroom. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Admittedly, it had been a reasonably pleasant evening and the movie wasn’t too heavy, but afterwards, Justin made Daphne promise not to meddle again. Later, he explained to Richard about Brian and the younger man, though disappointed, had understood his reluctance to take up with anyone else seriously. But he did ask Justin to remember him, should he ever feel the need and Justin laughed and stated that he might just do that, should they ever run into each other at Babylon. When Ethan had cheated on him the first opportunity he had, Justin had learned the difference between the love that man had offered and the love Brian had continued to give him. Love like Brian’s, which to begin with had meant no promises from the man, was at least honest and real and which would neither confine nor stifle him. But Justin believed love like that wasn’t likely to be repeated and besides, after the heartache he’d experienced with Brian, he wasn’t sure he could risk the pain of losing someone ever again. Now it was just for sex and no emotional entanglements and it didn’t take a genius to realize where it was Justin had heard those sentiments before. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The spectre of Jim Stockwell just didn’t seem to want to go away, with the gay community being reminded yet again, just how much of a close run thing it had been, the day the Police Chief lost the mayoral election and, of course, Brian’s part in the man’s downfall. The trial looking into Stockwell’s involvement in the cover up of the murder of Jason Kemp had, thankfully, eventually taken place. The evidence was overwhelming and the man was due to be incarcerated for several years. But the authorities weren’t finished with him yet and continued to investigate his links to organized crime and whether any other senior police officials of his acquaintance might be implicated also. ‘Stockwell Survives Knife Attack’ said the latest headline and it was evident that someone wanted the man dead for whatever reasons, so far, only known to them and apparently even in high security, no one is totally safe. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Congratulations, sweetheart,” smiled Jennifer and she gave her son a big hug and pulling back, Justin looked again at the piece of paper he was still holding in his hand. “A 3.9 GPA … I shouldn’t have any trouble getting into teacher training with this,” he grinned back at her. “I should think not,” came back his Mother and Justin could see the tears of pride in her eyes at how Justin had managed to gain his degree and with such high marks, considering everything he‘d been through in the last three years. Three years of gradually putting his life back together, piece by piece, facing and getting through the anniversaries of Brian’s death, Thanksgivings, Christmases, his and Gus’ birthdays without Brian and Brian‘s own birthdays. And, of course, the times that would have been Brian and Justin’s wedding anniversary. They say getting through the ‘firsts’ is the worst and it seemed they were right and every day after that seemed to get a little easier, though it had been a shock and had saddened Justin when he realized, for the first time, that he’d gone several days without evening thinking about Brian. So maybe now was the time to think about the future and move on. “Have you thought about where you want to go?” Jennifer asked him. “You’ll need to get in your application.” “Well, first … I’m gonna take a short break and spend a little more time with Gus … I‘ve missed him,“ answered Justin. “But actually, I’m not going back to school … I just can’t stand the thought of spending all that time in class again,” he continued, shaking his head. Jennifer frowned in confusion. “Then … how will you qualify to teach?” she asked him and sitting on the sofa at the loft, Justin pointed towards the computer. “On-line teacher training course qualifications are accepted by all the major colleges now … and this way I can do it in my own time … and qualify a lot more quickly … if I’m prepared to put in the work … which I am,” he answered. “And besides … what better method to prove my abilities … considering it’s all computerized … and I still want to improve creating and putting websites together.” “That makes sense … I guess,” answered Jennifer, though still a little confused by all the technology. “But do you have the right equipment?” Justin sighed. “To do it right, it is expensive … but Brian didn’t exactly leave me short of money,” he admitted. “He’s still looking out for you,” whispered Jennifer, stroking his cheek with the back of her hand and somehow, in her heart, she knew Brian would always be taking care of her son. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin applied for and successfully registered with the on-line teacher training course and then took a month off and spent as much time as possible with Gus. Afterwards, he got down to some seriously hard work. Knowing his ultimate aim was to teach, his graphics course had covered pretty much every subject, including planning, analyzing and creating visual solutions and their use in the modern marketplace. But learning how to get that across to students was a whole different ballgame. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Able to spend every moment possible studying and producing the required course work, Justin was able to complete the on-line part of the training in eighteen months and even then, he hadn‘t really rushed, deciding to make sure he fully understood everything himself before being in a position of trying to pass that knowledge on. And then after that part of the course was completed, Justin would have to prove himself in a classroom situation before he could fully graduate as a teacher. Justin’s affable nature stood him in good stead; he was liked by the faculty and approachable to students and he reveled in being able to assist them in the learning process. Consequently, at the end of the required period, a very proud and satisfied Justin graduated with honors, but then for someone who had scored such high marks back when taking his SAT’s, passing any sort of examination was second nature. But in addition, Justin was content in the knowledge that pursuing teaching had been the right decision. And not only that, he was damned good at it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Have you thought where you might want to try and get a permanent teaching position?“ Daphne asked Justin over dinner. With both of them now 27, Daphne was an Emergency Medicine resident at Allegheny General and would soon be thinking of going into practice . Justin frowned. “I’m not sure I’m gonna find anything in the Pitts … or even whether I want to,” he admitted and Daphne stopped, fork in mid-air. “Are you thinking about leaving Pittsburgh?” she asked him and Justin shrugged before putting his own fork down. “I’m gonna be teaching in a field very close to that Brian worked in … I’m not sure I can stay here and do that.” In fact, Justin had thought long and hard, once he’d come to this conclusion. It was almost five years since Brian’s death, though sometimes it felt just like yesterday and other times it was as if the man had never existed at all. While not actively looking for a partner right now, Daphne wasn’t totally discounting the possibility. Whereas there was still no-one really special in Justin’s life, other than his family and Gus, of course; though he still continued to be close friends with Peter and occasionally met up with the rest of the gang. Plenty of men had tried, but no-one had yet been allowed through Justin’s defenses and he’d wondered whether he was continually comparing everyone he met to Brian. And if that was the case, then no one would ever really come close. “But … you must have known that when you decided that’s what you wanted to do,” challenged Daphne, following Justin’s statement and her friend took a deep breath. Maybe that had been at the back of his mind when he decided the area he wanted to work in. Maybe even right at the start, albeit subconsciously, Justin had realized that it might be difficult to stay in the town where Brian’s name in advertising was still revered, but tonight was the first time he’d actually had to face the question. “Maybe it wouldn’t be a bad thing … if I did move away,” Justin admitted, finally. And though loathed to agree with him, Daphne couldn’t help thinking that maybe it would do Justin good to get away from all the memories still surrounding her friend, down to the loft; the very place he lived in. “Where will you go,” came the eventual question and Justin could hear the emotion in Daphne’s voice and felt his own rise up in his chest. “I haven’t made up my mind … I’ll have to see what’s around.” “And who’ll have me,” he grinned at her, but his smile quickly faded as he saw the tears in Daphne’s eyes. “Gus will miss you,” “I’ll miss you,” Daphne confessed and she saw Justin bite his lip before answering. “I’ll miss you too, Daph,” “And I’ll miss Gus … though he could always come and visit …“ “But I’m beginning to think this is right for me.” “But wherever I end up … I’ll always come back … and you can come and visit me too,” he promised her. “And it may not be for good in any case … I might just decide to go for a couple of years and then come back.” “Just enough time to get Brian out of my system once and for all,” continued Justin and Daphne nodded in understanding as she forced down the mouthful of food. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The ad for a Graphic Art teacher at a business school in San Francisco caught Justin’s eye, though it was a lot further away than he’d thought he might want to go and just about as far from the Pitts as he could possibly get and still stay on mainland America. Surely that had to be far enough removed from everything that constantly reminded him of Brian. The ad invited interested parties to telephone the Dean for an initial chat and although having minimum teaching experience, the man had been sufficiently interested in Justin to invite him to apply and then, much to Justin’s amazement, a couple of weeks later, was followed up with a telephone call offering him an interview. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Since the Rage movie that never happened, Justin hadn’t really thought about visiting California again, but heading again for the west coast, he couldn’t help getting excited. He flew into San Francisco late the day before the interview and was booked into a hotel not too far from the business school itself. The interview was due to be pretty intensive and last all day, and afterwards, Justin planned on exploring the night life of Castro, the gay community in the gay capital of the U.S. and, probably, the world. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin discovered that he was only one of a number of potential candidates and although Graphic Art stood alone as a subject, it was confirmed as also being incorporated into a Sales, Marketing and Advertising course. Initially, when Justin had read that in the ad, he’d put the professional journal to one side and discounted the position after all. But something had kept bringing him back to it and, in the end, he decided to go for it, deciding the worse that could happen would be that he’d get a quick trip to the west coast and interview practice for next time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ As well as the formal interview, part of the appointing process included putting together a presentation, obviously to include the use of graphics and in order to demonstrate skills and understanding attained of their importance. The choice taken up by Justin was that to ’sell’ any commodity he might choose and his choice certainly surprised and delighted. Justin had researched the school’s history and expertise and looked at its own website. Then, he set about developing a new, interactive site and devising a short, but very specific presentation, selling the institution itself, illustrating the programs and courses it could offer, together with emphasizing its very high success rate. When he’d come up with the idea, Justin couldn’t help chuckling to himself. This sort of ‘take the bull by the horns’ and meet everything head on approach would have appealed to Brian; and to say the Dean and the appointing board were impressed would be an understatement and whatever Justin wanted to think, would there ever really be a time when Brian didn’t influence him in one way or another? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin came away from the interview knowing he’d done well, but that there were probably several people who had years on him when it came to teaching in a classroom setting. But overall, he’d enjoyed the experience and it had given him the heart to continue looking for something in his new profession. But now down to the serious stuff: The Castro district and some of the many delights it had to offer. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin grabbed a bite to eat before returning to his hotel room to shower and change and first on his list was The Café on Market Street. Disappointingly, there was no back room. But in truth, back rooms now rarely existed so if any hookups did occur that couldn‘t be satisfied in the men’s room or nearest alleyway, it was back to the guys’ own place or, if it could be afforded, a hotel room and one that preferably rented by the hour. The club was crowded and noisy and there were certainly many sporting the blond and tanned ‘beach boy’ look and if it wasn’t for Justin’s pale complexion, he would fit right in. In fact, his coloring minus the tan, brought Justin more than his fair share of interest and admiring glances. He never bothered with names, they never had been necessary, but he knew the look. The eye contact lasted no more than five seconds and Justin met the tall, good looking brunet at the end of the bar where he purchased them both drinks. It was obvious by Justin’s pallor that he was a visitor, whereas the guy was a local, and he was also in no hurry and miraculously succeeded in dragging Justin out onto the dance floor: he’d make him wait. Justin had already decided the guy he was with was the only one worth bothering with tonight. The others, though in the main pretty hot, didn’t compare to the trick he was dancing with and, plus the air of casualness about him, drew Justin right in. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was around 3:00 when Justin made his way back to his hotel room. Just in time to grab a few hours sleep before having to check out and make his way to the airport. Like so many, the guy last night had wanted to exchange names and numbers, but Justin used the fact that he was just passing through to put him off, though if he were to return here, he’d be worth looking up again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was no real surprise to Justin when he received the letter to say that though impressed, the appointing board had decided to go with someone with more teaching experience. But Justin had missed out only marginally and um, could the school possibly use the website he’d devised? They’d be more than willing to pay for his time. Justin was more than happy to let the school use the site and a thought came to him that while he was waiting for the right teaching post to come up, he could possibly do more website work. But as it turned out, he didn’t have to wait very long. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two weeks to go before the start of the new school semester, a panicked Dean Millar called Justin. The teacher they’d appointed for the new term now couldn’t take up the post owing to a sudden but very serious family illness that took him to New York. Justin had about five minutes to make up his mind before the Dean needed to go elsewhere. But so impressed had he been by Justin’s interview, that he wanted to offer him the post first and Justin immediately said yes. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “My god … that doesn’t give us any time at all,” declared Jennifer in horror. Still not quite believing it had happened so quickly, Justin had rung his Mom to say he’d be leaving in just over a week’s time if he was to get to San Francisco, find somewhere to live and be organized for the start of the new school year. Daphne was as equally horrified that she was about to lose her best friend without any time at all to get used to the notion, but it was Gus that Justin found the hardest to explain to why he was leaving. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Melanie was definitely now in Lindsay’s past and the women had nothing more to do with one another. Lindsay and Donna seemed to be making a real go of it and with their children, had become a close family and all of them would be sorry to see Justin leave. But especially Gus, the two of them having formed a close bond since Brian’s death. Justin opened up the bottom drawer of the dresser and pulled out the letter and packages that Brian had left for his son and he tried to weigh up exactly what a ten, nearly eleven year old, albeit lively and intelligent, could take in. There was no denying Gus was a smart kid, but then look who his parents were. But in the end, Justin decided that dealing with what the letter contained could wait until the boy was a few years older. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Gus had gone to watch a little TV in his room when, after a few minutes, Justin followed him. But the kid knew there was something up; he could tell from the atmosphere at dinner earlier. Still trying to find the right words, Justin stopped by the dresser to look at the many photographs taken at Gus’ birthday parties, as well as Christmas, Thanksgiving and other family get togethers. And it brought a lump to Justin’s throat when he realized just how many of the photographs he featured in. Afterwards, Justin would acknowledge that this had been one of the hardest and emotionally charged things he’d ever had to do and he hated to see the tears that formed in Gus’ eyes when he told him he had a job that would take him to California. Later, Gus had been cheered a little by the fact that Justin told him he would always be coming back to visit and that if he remained in San Francisco for any length of time, that Gus would visit him. Justin hadn’t always thought the best of Lindsay, but in her defense, she hadn’t let her son forget his father. Brian’s name often came up in conversation and both Lindsay and Justin would deal with it the best they could. Handing over the photograph and bracelet, Justin let Gus know, as he had always done, just how much in fact, his dad had loved him and wanted him to have the items to remember him by. There were, in fact, very few photographs of Brian, but seeing his dad holding him as a baby had thrilled Gus to the core. And he would cherish the bracelet and its former owner, and the man who had held it in his safe-keeping for him and who now cried with him and hugged him like there was no tomorrow. As Justin was leaving, Gus ran back upstairs and quickly brought down one of the photographs of the two of them to give to him; a photograph that Justin would treasure always and they promised to call and email each other all the time. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin hated the thought of saying his goodbyes at the airport and had planned on taking his Mom, Daphne and Tucker out to dinner the night before his departure to San Francisco and then leave quietly by taxi the following day. But certain people had other ideas and a small party was hastily prepared at Woody’s so that Justin could bid his farewells to everyone, including Debbie, Carl and the gang and Peter, who thoughtfully, Daphne had asked to be included. Peter also took Justin’s leaving pretty hard; he still held a torch for his friend, even though it was pretty obvious Justin had never fallen out of love with Brian, whatever his feelings about him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The small party had been very enjoyable, but his Mom and Daphne still came to see him off from the loft in the morning and whereas Justin had promised himself he wouldn’t get emotional, once his Mom started, both he and Daphne were lost too. Justin’s plane was due to leave at 12:00noon. Dean Millar, grateful to Justin for taking up the post at such short notice, had arranged for a temporary accommodation not far from the school, which they would pay for, for the first month. But on his way to the airport, Justin had one final task to complete. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Justin stooped and placed the bunch of red roses beneath Brian’s headstone, which in actual fact he had ended up paying for, as it seemed Joan Kinney was in no real hurry to have her son’s grave marked officially. Taking a deep breath, Justin stood up and then took a step backwards. It was hard to admit, but with being so busy in recent months, Justin hadn’t really had much chance at all to think about Brian and maybe that’s how it now should be. Thankfully, it seemed that at last he was finally able to lay to rest all the feelings of disappointment and anger he’d held on to for so long. Justin would never forget him of course; Brian had been his first and, so far, only love. But they say everything has its time and theirs had passed. And though there would always be a place for Brian in Justin’s heart, leaving Pittsburgh would be a conscious step towards a new life. But that didn’t stop the tears from falling as Justin slowly turned and made his way back to where the taxi was waiting for him. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Dean Millar was so grateful, he was waiting to collect Justin from the airport himself and took him to the small apartment building only half-a-mile from the school. “I’m so looking forward to working with you, Justin,” stated the Dean as he shook Justin’s hand and then helped him with his bags out to where the car was parked. He could see how excited Justin was and welcomed the chance to encourage someone who would be the youngest member of staff; in fact Justin’s youth and enthusiasm was very refreshing. Justin had brought his laptop and a couple of suitcases with him and anything else he thought he might require, his Mom was shipping out for him in the next day or so. But one thing he would need to do and that was shop for new clothes. His current wardrobe didn’t particularly favor California weather. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The third-floor apartment was small but comfortably furnished, and definitely temporary as Justin wanted to choose for himself where he would live, but it would do for now. Justin would go in to school in a couple of days and acquaint himself with the layout of the premises and the class he would be teaching in and the equipment he would use; but he needed to do get some provisions and also the clothes shopping he’d promised himself first. The Dean had asked Justin to dinner that evening, seeing as how there was no food in the apartment, which Justin accepted, not wanting to appear ungrateful. But first, he had to call his Mom, Daphne and Deb like he promised. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ John and Lydia Millar were both very welcoming and Justin actually had a very pleasant evening in their company, but found the attentions their 17 year old daughter started to pay him just a little unsettling. But he escaped unscathed and felt pretty shattered by the time he got back to the apartment and crashed into bed. Tomorrow he would explore his surroundings. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ After venturing out early and purchasing a couple of lighter weight pants and sweaters, Justin picked up some groceries from a local market he discovered and made his way back home. Eager to get himself organized for the new school year, he couldn’t wait any longer and picking up his laptop in its bag, made his way down to the school, knowing the Dean would be there. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Leaving Justin to acquaint himself with his classroom, the Dean went about his own tasks before looking into the teachers’ lounge to put up some notices. Closing the door, he frowned at the man who was pouring himself a cup of freshly made coffee. Justin wasn’t the only teacher who liked to get in early and get organized, even though there was still two days to go before the students descended. “I sincerely hope you’re going to get tidied up before the new semester,” directed the Dean at the tall, slim and tanned man who chose not to answer him, but take a swallow of his coffee instead. Seeing him dressed in jeans, tee and baseball cap, beard and hair allowed to grow longer over the summer break, the Dean shook his head in exasperation. There was always someone who appeared to march to the beat of a different drum, decided Millar and although a first class teacher, Brogan Kennedy would always be the one to ask; ‘Why this way?’ or not be afraid to air his views and opinions, which generally Millar respected, owing to their sincerity and validity, even if they weren’t always stated terribly diplomatically. Kennedy had his back to the door and hesitated as he finished his coffee before turning around as Justin entered the room, smiling and brimming with eagerness to start his first teaching job. “Ah, Justin … I’d like you to meet the man you’ll be working with as part of the Sales, Marketing and Advertising course.” “Brogan Kennedy … this is Justin Taylor … who saved the day when he agreed to take over Graphic Art at such short notice,” and Justin stepped closer as he was surveyed from under the brim of the baseball cap and found himself looking up into the face of a man with hazel eyes. To be continued. With grateful thanks to Judy and Lois for their continued input, support and friendship.