Chapter 6:  Final Chapter


It was so perfect, here by the water's edge.  And, sitting beneath the branches of the old tree, the only sounds he could hear were those of birds flying overhead and the rippling water.

This had become almost a daily ritual for Sir Brian, spending time here, quietly and alone.  After much deliberation, he had decided to return to the castle of his birth, in order to try and rebuild his former home and, hopefully, his life.

It had been four weeks since the attack on Justin.  Four weeks which had brought many changes.  As well as the death of the Sheriff of Nottingham, word had come that the King was returning home to England in order to reclaim his throne and with his return, hopefully, peace would be restored.

The Men of Sherwood had rejoined their families.  No longer were they being starved and robbed of what was justly theirs and gradually more Knights were returning from the Holy Land to reclaim their birthrights.

John and several of the men who had formerly worked on the Huntingdon estate had resumed their employment and, with Brian, were now working on the reconstruction of the castle.  Part of the ground floor had remained intact, but it was still a huge undertaking.

Brian knew it was unlikely the building would ever be fully returned to its previous grandeur, but he’d decided that a smaller, more homely dwelling would better suit his needs.  After all, he was likely to spend much of the time there alone.

It had also been four weeks since he had last seen Justin; the same night that Justin had been raped by the Sheriff.

The look on Lady Jennifer’s face and the bitterness in her voice when he’d returned her son to her stayed with him still.  But no-one could blame Brian for what had happened more than he could ever blame himself.   

He was sickened by the thought of the suffering his lover had endured at the hands of the Sheriff.  The way Justin had even shied away from Brian’s touch that night.  Seeing his face bruised and tearstained: his body trembling and aching from the brutal assault.

He had failed to keep his promise to Justin’s Father, but more than this, he had failed Justin himself.  Brian had once thought he could never have feelings for another, but Justin’s innocence, openness and ability to love him totally had aroused emotions he had always managed to suppress.

When Brian left England so many years before he had loved Justin as a child, but now he was a man: a beautiful, intelligent, loving, caring man.  And when they made love, Brian knew that Justin gave himself entirely, trusting him completely.  But try as he might, Brian was aware that he had always held back, just a little, never being able to commit as unconditionally as his young lover had been able to do.  Never had anyone reached down and touched Brian as Justin did.  And these unfamiliar feelings he felt for the young man scared him.

He had ridden by St. James' Castle on a number of occasions, hoping to catch sight of Justin within its walls and had once managed a glimpse of the blond haired young man walking across the courtyard.  But here, by the river, was where Brian felt close to him; they had made love here many times.  Memories that brought Brian back to this place again and again.

Suddenly, he heard a noise behind him and turned around to see who was there.  Sitting on his horse, watching him, was Justin.  "How long have you been there?" asked Brian quietly.

"A few moments", Justin answered. 

The two men faced each other.  There was so much Brian wanted to say.  Yet he couldn't find the words.  Couldn't find the courage to declare what he really felt. So instead he turned, and started to walk away towards his own horse.

"Brian!" called Justin after him, jumping down from the saddle.  "Please, don't walk away from me.  I need to talk to you".

Brian stopped in his tracks.  He'd ached so much to see Justin; speak to him, touch him, and yet now he was here his mind whirled and he couldn't think of a single word to say.  Couldn't trust himself to reveal the things he was so sure Justin wanted to hear.

Justin approached him slowly and was now standing only inches away.  He wanted to touch Brian so much, and yet something about his posture told him now was not the time.

"Why have you not been to see me?" he asked.

Brian sighed and there was a long pause.  "I didn't think you'd want me to" he answered at last.

Justin walked around Brian so that he was now facing him.  Brian had bowed his head, not wanting to look him in the eye.  "How can you think that?" Justin continued.  "You saved my life".

Brian shook his head.  "You were nearly killed because of me,” he answered.  Not wanting to voice what else Justin had endured that night.

Justin decided it was worth taking the risk of rejection and laid a hand on Brian's arm.  He didn't pull away, but at Justin's touch, Brian felt as if a lightening bolt had passed straight through him.  "You're not to blame.  It wasn't your fault,” said Justin.

Brian looked up to face him at last.  "I don't believe that" he said "and neither do you.  If I hadn't allowed you to ride with us, the Sheriff would never have been able to use you to get to me".

Brian pulled away from Justin's grasp and mounted his horse.  Justin grabbed hold of the reins, preventing Brian from leaving.

"We need to talk properly,” pleaded Justin.  "You can't just ride away like this.  There is still too much to be said".

"There is nothing I can say to you, Justin” said Brian.  "I will always be to blame for what happened.  No-one can change that and no words can ever be enough to tell you how sorry….."  Brian broke off unable to finish what he had wanted to say and he pulled the reins from Justin's hands and rode away.

'If only I could tell you how I really feel', thought Brian.  'How I would have gladly died myself that night rather than ever see you hurt'. 

Now the men had gone to their homes after a long days work and Brian was alone.  He ate the stew that had been heating over the fire and, as darkness fell, retired for the night.

He lay on the bed; his body exhausted from the day’s toil.  He was worn out from the labour he'd undertaken, as despite his noble birth, Brian enjoyed using his hands and was glad to do his share of the work required in re-building his home.  It kept him occupied and prevented him dwelling on the past.  But after his chance meeting with Justin, Brian had started to question the wisdom of staying and wondered if he should, after all, put some distance between him and his former lover.

With his mind still churning from seeing Justin earlier that day, it was some time before he drifted off to sleep.  Years of being vigilant however, had taught him to sleep lightly and he awoke at the sound of a horse trotting across the cobbles.  

Quickly getting out of the makeshift bed set up in one of the castle’s few rooms still intact, he put on his breeches and boots and hastily picked up his sword.  The rider had dismounted and he heard footsteps approaching.  There was banging on his door.  Brian waited.  It came again.  “Who’s there?”  he shouted.

“Brian, it’s me.  Justin”.

“What do you want?” Brian asked.  

“I need to see you, to talk to you.  Please, won’t you let me in?” came the reply.

Brian rested his forehead on the door; his head spinning and wanting Justin to leave, but his heart was urging him otherwise. 

“Brian” continued Justin.  “I’m not going away”.

Finally, Brian lay down his sword, picked up a lighted candle and slowly opened the door.

“May I come in?” asked Justin.

Incapable of saying anything, Brian opened the door wider and gestured Justin to enter.

Once inside the room, Justin turned to face him.  “The work on the castle is going well.  You must be pleased”  he said.

“How can you tell that?” asked Brian, setting the candle down.  “You can see very little now in this light”.

Justin smiled.  “I’ve ridden here a few times and I’ve sat and watched you whilst you worked” he said.

Brian was totally confused, not knowing how to respond.  He’d had no idea that Justin had been anywhere near his home these passed weeks and wondered why he would make such a journey.

Eventually, he asked “Would you like some wine?”

“Thank you, I would” came the reply and Brian poured out two goblets and handed one to him.  Briefly, Justin’s fingers brushed over his as he took the drink from him, sending a shiver down Brian’ spine. 

He motioned Justin to sit and now they were facing each other, but at a distance, on opposite sides of the room.

They drank silently, until softly, Justin asked “Why did you not come to see me?”

Brian closed his eyes briefly, then rose up from his chair and walked over to the fireplace.  The embers were burning low, giving off a soft light around the room.  He set his goblet down, crossed his arms and rested them on the mantle.  He bent his head forward, his forearms now supporting his chin.  He kept his back to Justin, not wanting to face him.  

Justin put down his drink, stood up and walked over to him.  Standing behind him he gently placed a hand on Brian’s shoulder and asked again.  “Why didn’t you come to me?”

“I told you, I didn’t think you’d want me there.  Your Mother certainly didn’t” came the reply.

“My Mother has no right to decide who I should or should not see!” said Justin.  “I am head of the family now”.

“That’s as maybe,” said Brian, looking down into the smouldering fire, still refusing to look at Justin.  “But to your Mother, you will always be her son; her little boy” he said.

“Brian, look at me” said Justin.  “Look at me!” he repeated, and when Brian didn't move, Justin took him by the elbow, spinning him around to face him.  But still Brian wouldn't look him in the eye.

Justin's heart went out to the man standing there in front of him, so obviously in pain.  He looked so alone, so distant.  Gone was the self-assured, confident Brian he had fallen in love with.

Gently, he took Brian's hand in his own, their fingers entwined.  "I know you blame yourself for what happened", he said softly.  "But you shouldn't.  I always knew what the Sheriff craved of me.  He’d made that plain enough on many occasions and he just used you as an excuse to get what he’d always wanted." 

Brian blanched at the memory of finding Justin in such distress.  The Sheriff's brutality had left him sickened and he fought back the tears threatening to come to the surface.

Justin now reached up and stroked Brian's face with the palm of his hand.  "I need you", he whispered.  Brian shook his head.  "I have nothing left to give you" he said.  

"I don't believe that,” said Justin.  Brian tried to break free from his grip, but Justin held on.

"Don’t do this, Justin, please", he said.  “I’m not the man you think I am.  I can’t give you what you want from me”.

Justin looked at him.  "Are you telling me you don't want me any more?" he asked.  But Brian said nothing.  "Is it……Is it because another man touched me?"  he asked.

Brian shook his head.  "No, of course it isn't"  he said.  "I just don't know if I can be of use to you any more".

"Brian," said Justin.  "I need you now more than ever".  But Brian refused to acknowledge him.

Letting go of his hand, Justin turned away.  Brian’s heart fell.  Justin was walking out of his life and he didn’t think he could bear it.

But Justin didn't leave.  Instead he took off his cloak and slowly pulled his tunic up over his head.  Standing before Brian, his body glowing in the soft firelight, he whispered "Can you look at me now and tell me you never want me again?  That all the times we laid together, meant nothing to you?" asked Justin.

Brian's blood began to pound in his ears.  He could feel his pulse quicken, his heart banging in his chest and his hands begin to sweat.  God, how he wanted this young man.  Wanted him more than he could ever admit to him. Let alone ever admit to himself.

He could hold back no longer.  With two strides Brian reached him.  Taking Justin’s face gently in his hands he bent down to kiss him; the tenderist kiss they had ever shared.

With one arm around his shoulders and another around his waist, Brian asked gently "Are you sure you want to do this? After what happened?  After…" But Justin put a finger to Brian's lips to stop him. 

"I don't remember all of it,” said Justin.  

'Thank God' thought Brian.  'That the drug given to him had at least dulled some of Justin's pain'.  

"But I do remember enough" he continued.  His voice was low and Brian could detect a tremble as he recalled memories he tried to forget. 

"I remember sufficient to keep me awake at night, feeling those hands on me, feeling him inside me" and he had to hold on tightly to prevent Brian from pulling away from him, recoiling from the images in his mind.

"Which is why I need you all the more." Justin said, reassuringly.  "I need you to remind me how it could be, how it should be" and, reaching up, he drew Brian's face down to his and their mouths met in a kiss as passionate as either of them could ever recall.

Justin led Brian to the bed and together they slowly undressed each other.  "Please, be careful" said Justin, remembering the tenderness Brian had shown him when they had first laid together and there were tears now in his eyes.

Lying alongside him, Brian bent forward and with one hand tangled in the blond hair, kissed Justin's eyelids, gently licking away his tears.  He kissed down Justin's chest and over his belly, before moving back to his mouth again, at the same time, his other hand stroking the inside of Justin's thigh.  Justin moaned.  All memories of the Sheriff expelled from his mind to be replaced by images of the man he loved.

And then Brian entered him, took him to that special place that was theirs alone and he was lost in his touch, his kiss, his caress.  "I love you", whispered Justin.

Brian's senses were reeling, his mind spinning wildly.  Here, now inside Justin once more, reaffirmed the feelings he suspected he’d had all along.  But he had never allowed himself to believe he was capable of loving Justin in the way this exquisite young man loved him.  Was still unsure he could ever love Justin in the way he so deserved.

When daylight came, Justin lay in Brian's arms.  Both of them exhausted from the night's passion.  Slowly, so as not to disturb his sleeping lover, Justin turned to face him and without waking him gently brushed his cheek with his hand.  He looked so at peace; so contented.

Last night had been like the very first, but this time, and most likely unawares, Brian had opened up absolutely: completely.  And Justin had reached that part of him no-one else had been allowed access to before.

Brian may not realise it he thought, but there was still another battle to be fought.  One upon which Justin was about to embark.  A crusade of his own: a crusade for Brian’s heart.  A battle Justin was determined to win.

The End.

16 March 04