Chapter 4: Brian didn’t realize just how much a relatively short drive to and from town was going to take out of him. But by the time they got back to the farm after collecting the Jeep, he was pretty done in and went upstairs for a nap. Justin was pretty quiet on the drive into town and Brian was wondering if the blond was thinking the same thing he was; that now he was getting the Jeep back and was well on the way to recovery, that Brian would soon be moving on and the time they were together during the next couple of days, the older man felt as if he were walking on eggshells. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Being up and around more now, Brian was enjoying both the youngsters’ company when he’d been with them. They were intelligent and quick witted and their constant banter was fun to hear: both of them obviously loving each other very much and had grown even closer since the death of their parents. Molly, it seemed, had forgotten about her flirtation with Brian but he’d often seen her casting a quick glance in his direction, mostly after he’d forced himself to tear his eyes away from Justin. Brian had an idea that Molly knew how much he’d become attracted to the young man; something Brian was finding harder to deny every day. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian had been an early riser on the ranch, most mornings taking Rebel out for a ride before breakfast. But at the moment, he still needed more sleep than he was accustomed to and wasn’t rising much before 9:00. Coming down, he found Justin only just starting his own breakfast having already been at work for a couple of hours. “Something smells good … “I was going to bring you something up …” stated the blond as he finished beating the eggs, putting them into the pan to cook and then placing some bread in the toaster. “There’s bacon too if you want it … I wondered if you wanted something a little more substantial …” “Well … I don’t know … I have my figure to watch …” joked Brian as he reached for the coffee pot. “Are you kidding me?” asked Justin as he turned to face him. “You look great … a little too skinny if you ask me …” and Brian looked down at himself. “You think so?” he asked him and looked back up at Justin. The younger man blinked shyly and turned back to what he was doing. “I’m just saying a couple of decent meals wouldn’t hurt you … that’s all …” and Brian smiled to himself at the younger man’s embarrassment and wondered what he would do if Brian came up behind him and suddenly put his arms around the younger man’s waist; he looked so fucking sexy standing there at the stove, the dish towel draped over his shoulder. But before he could even think about acting on such a notion, Justin turned around abruptly and picked up the plates and dished out their breakfasts. They chatted comfortably for a while as they ate their meal, but then fell into silence and Justin couldn’t hold out any longer: he had to know. “I guess you’ll be moving on …” “I guess so …” answered Brian, quietly. “I mean … you don’t have to rush or anything … take your time … if you don’t have anywhere in particular to go …” said Justin and he wondered again about the woman and children in the photograph and why Brian hadn’t mentioned them. But maybe they were divorced and it was too painful for the man to talk about. “Thanks,” answered Brian. “I’m not heading anywhere special … and I wouldn’t mind a few more days … to recover properly I mean …” ‘Or weeks … months or even years’ thought Brian to himself and shocked at the thought that suddenly popped into his head. Why on earth did he think that? Why was he not looking to move on as soon as he could? He’d left the ranch because a guy wanted to get too close and not five minutes later he was thinking he could stay here forever? Why, because of the blond? The kid who didn’t even know yet that he was starting to develop feelings for him? A kid he couldn’t say 100% was gay? Brian hesitated before putting the final forkful of eggs into his mouth. Christ, did he have feelings for him and he chanced a quick glance in Justin’s direction and watched as the young man ate his meal: not looking at him, but looking down at his plate. Brian watched the long eyelashes flicker over those beautiful blue eyes and he studied the movement of his lips as the young man chewed his food. Jesus, what he’d like to do to that mouth. But it wasn’t just a physical attraction; it was something about the young man’s manner, openness, trusting and caring nature. The qualities that allowed him to take in a complete stranger and care for him like one of his own: Like family. Justin was having problems swallowing. Brian’s confirmation that he’d be moving on had brought a lump into his throat and he was having difficulties making his food go down. But he struggled on, eating as quickly as he could and wanting to get out of the kitchen and back to work as soon as possible. Brian sat puzzled as Justin got up abruptly from his chair and picked up his dirty plate, knife and fork and put them in the sink. “I better get back to work …” and Justin put on his coat and left swiftly before Brian could say anything to him and leaving the older man sitting at the table wondering whether he should go now; get away fast: while he still had the chance. While his heart and his senses were still intact. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For some reason Brian couldn’t fathom or wouldn’t allow himself to accept, he was putting off leaving the farm and neither Molly nor Justin asked him about it again and he started to do one or two little odd jobs around the place. It might just be fixing the hinge on the gate or the dripping tap in the bathroom, but there was something that needed doing every day that stopped him from leaving. But he knew that if he stayed any longer, he should really start to contribute to his keep; something it seemed Justin was reluctant to let him do. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was Saturday and despite being the weekend, work on the farm went on as usual, with Molly feeding the animals first thing and then doing the laundry and getting her other chores out of the way. She’d arranged to spend the night at Anna’s: it was her friend’s birthday and she was being picked up in the afternoon and would be returned after dinner on Sunday. Justin was working in the orchard. Brian had wanted to help, but Justin had made it quite clear he didn’t think the older man was fit enough to be outside. They’d had a cold spell of weather and a walk to where Justin was working with the coffee flask he’d forgotten, together with a sandwich Brian made him, had proven the young man’s point. Brian was exhausted by the time he got back to the house and glad to get inside and in the warmth. After lunch and now recovered from his jaunt outside, Brian had been fixing the window in Molly’s bedroom that was sticking. Rusty was keeping him company and barked as he heard the car approaching and Brian looked out to see the Buick pull up and the occupant get out of the car and start to talk to Justin. The young man had worked through lunch and was now coming back for something to eat and having finished for the day. But it was the way the stranger put his hand on the blond’s shoulder as he turned him towards the barn that worried Brian and he made his way downstairs to find Molly watching from the kitchen window: the dog at his heels. “Who’s that Molly?” asked Brian and when she didn’t answer him, he put his hand on her shoulder. “Molly …” “It’s Mr. Wemyss … he’s the Bank Manager …” said Molly slowly and Brian chuckled. “Since when did Bank Managers start to make house calls?” Brian frowned at Molly’s reluctance to answer him and he turned her around to face him. “Molly … what’s wrong?” “He hurt Justin … Justin thinks I didn’t see … but I did … when he was here before …” “What do you mean … he hurt him?” asked Brian, but Molly couldn’t look him in the face and instead looked down at her feet. “Shit …” exclaimed Brian as it dawned on him what Molly must mean and he made for the back door. “Keep Rusty inside,” he instructed and he crossed the distance to the barn in seconds, despite being out of breath when he got there. Without hesitating, Brian marched straight in. Afterwards, he realized he probably should have hung back a little to see if Justin was going to be able to handle the situation himself: saving face in Brian’s eyes. But all he could think about was getting to Justin before the young man got hurt. Brian’s eyes took a few moments to adjust from the bright sunshine outside, then he could see that Wemyss had pushed Justin up against the back wall of the barn and was holding him there with a hand on the young man’s shoulder. Justin’s shirt had been pulled out from his jeans and the older man was pointing at him, wagging his finger and talking low and Justin was shaking his head. Justin had pushed back, but the man was larger and stronger. His voice was low and his grip on the young man’s shoulder hurt like hell. Wemyss’ potential for violence was becoming all too apparent and it was true to say that Justin was becoming scared: scared for himself and for his sister as he listened to the older man’s threats. “Everything okay, Justin?” asked Brian, fighting to keep his breathing level and letting go of Justin, Wemyss spun around to see where the voice was coming from. With Brian standing with his back to the light, Wemyss couldn’t make out his features, but he could tell by the way he was standing that this man was a force to be reckoned with. “Who the hell are you?” asked Wemyss and having relinquished his hold on Justin, the young man slipped out of his reach and began to tuck his shirt back in his jeans and he rubbed his shoulder. “A family friend …” stated Brian. “Is there something I can help you with?” and Wemyss forced a chuckle. “No … nothing … I was just in the area … just stopped by to talk bank business with Justin …” “Coming out on a weekend?” asked Brian flatly. “That’s real dedication …” and the man brushed passed him and hurriedly made for his car. Without watching the man leave, Brian turned towards Justin, but the young man broke into a trot in his hurry to get away from him and pulled away when Brian managed to catch him by the elbow. “Are you okay?” asked Brian, but close to tears, the blond ran back to the house without looking at him. The two cars almost collided at the gate and then a car horn sounded and Molly came to the back door. “I’m supposed to be going to Anna’s tonight … should I go … or do you want me to stay?” she asked Brian, having seen her brother rush past her and up the stairs. Brian shook his head and tried to catch his breath. He just wasn’t quite fit enough yet and Justin had got well away from him before he could catch up. “No Molly … you go … have a good time. And don’t worry … Justin will be okay … I’ll make sure of that …” and as the car horn sounded again, Molly gave him a quick smile, picked up her holdall and headed off to meet her friend: closing the back door behind her. If Brian said he’d look after Justin, then Molly knew she could trust him to do just that. Justin ran to his room and locked the door behind him, totally inconsolable. It was obvious what had been about to happen in the barn and Brian had walked right in on it. How could he face him now? How could Brian understand why he would allow that? Brian climbed the stairs slowly and found he was actually sweating and out of breath when he reached the top and he made for Justin’s room: he knocked. “Justin …” and he tried to open the door only to discover it was locked. “Justin … I think we should talk about this …” urged Brian, concerned for the young man’s mental state. But inside his room, Justin was leaning with his back against the wall and shaking his head and he started to sob. Slowly, he slid down the wall, his legs now unable to take his weight and he hugged his knees. “Justin …” “Go away …” sobbed Justin and from the direction of his voice, Brian realized the young man must be sitting on the floor and Brian sat down in the hallway, thankful for the time to recover himself and he leaned his back against Justin’s bedroom door; the thickness of the wood the only physical barrier between them. “Justin,” said Brian gently. “I know what happened …” “You can’t know … no-one does …” stated Justin, horrified at the thought that someone might have any idea of what he’d done and then realizing what he’d given away. “It doesn’t take a genius to work out what that guy was wanting from you … and my guess is … it wasn’t the first time …” Justin felt sick and so longed to open up to this man who was obviously offering a shoulder. But what would happen if he told him? Would Brian think as badly of him as Justin thought of himself? Could he take a chance and tell him? But there was something about Brian that Justin instinctively knew he could trust and if he didn’t talk to someone soon, he’d go mad and Justin took a deep breath; his voice quiet and ragged. “He said … he said the bank wouldn’t let me take over the mortgage … cos I’m not 21 …” Brian closed his eyes. Justin didn’t have to say anything further: he more than understood without having any pictures drawn. The anger welled up inside him at what this kid: no, this young man had gone through. For surely he’d had to grow up pretty quickly after his parents had died and had been taken advantage of brutally. “Justin … I know it’s hard to accept … but you need to tell yourself … that it was only sex … it wasn’t important … it didn’t mean anything …” Justin shook his head. Brian didn’t understand. It was supposed to have meant everything. “But that’s just it …” and Justin fought back the tears. “ … I thought … I thought the first time … my first time … would be special …” and Justin swallowed before continuing. “That it would be with someone I liked … a … a guy I liked … and who really liked me …” Justin’s voice was barely audible through the door and Brian could hear what it had taken out of the young man to admit his feelings of desperation to him. Brian smiled. Finally, there was Justin’s admission that he was gay and Brian thought back to his first experience: his first time with Dan. True, the man had gone on to break his heart, a pain Brian had taken with him every time he’d hooked up with another guy, but Brian couldn’t deny how memorable he’d made his first time. “My first time was special …” said Brian, quietly and leaning against the door. “What was her name … was she pretty?” asked Justin and Brian shook his head and smiled: the young man still didn’t know. “His name was Dan … and he was very beautiful …” stated Brian and Justin blinked and turned to face the door, but he said nothing. “Justin … did you hear what I said?” asked Brian and slowly, Justin reached up and Brian heard the key turn in the lock and Justin opened the door just a few inches. Brian turned to look at him through the gap and even in the shadows of the hallway, he could see the redness around the young man’s beautiful but sad and confused blue eyes. “A guy?” asked Justin and Brian smiled. “That’s right … I like guys … just like you …” “I … I didn’t know …” admitted Justin and he pushed the door open wide, so that it was no longer a barrier between them. Brian shrugged. “I guess there’s no real reason why you should … “ “It’s just … the photograph …” “Photograph?” asked Brian puzzled by what Justin meant. “In your wallet … the woman and children … I saw it when I was looking for your ID …” “Friends … the kids call me Uncle Bri …” and Brian smiled as he remembered the day the photographs had been taken: how it almost made him feel like he was one of the family. They sat for a few moments in silence; Justin desperately wanted Brian to understand, but how could he. “God knows what you think of me …” said Justin finally and he caught his breath and looked away. “Do you care what I think of you?” asked Brian and Justin shrugged. But yes, how much he did care. “I’ll tell you anyway …” and Brian saw Justin bite his bottom lip as he was obviously expecting him to say just how disgusted he was at the young man’s behavior: at what he’d allowed Wemyss to do. “I think you’re a very courageous young man …” said Brian and Justin’s eyes opened wide and then he frowned as he turned back to face the older man. “You’ve taken on a huge commitment … the farm … looking after your sister … fighting to keep a roof over your heads … whatever it took to secure your home …” and Justin managed a slight smile in appreciation and then looked away. “But I’ll tell you something else … he won’t touch you again …” Justin turned back to face him and narrowed his eyes. “You don’t know that … you can’t promise that …” said Justin quietly. After all, Brian wasn’t going to be around forever and Wemyss’ threats were real and worsening all the time. But searching Brian’s eyes, he could see the promise wasn’t made lightly. Justin’s eyes were saying ‘don’t make promises you can’t keep’, but then he’d seen the young man’s expression change: reading Brian’s own eyes and seeing the unspoken commitment in them. And that’s when Brian knew that he was in danger of never being able to leave. Slowly and against everything good sense was telling him, Brian reached out and cupped Justin’s face. Christ, he looked so beautiful and so very vulnerable and Brian closed his eyes and removed his hand. Justin frowned and caught Brian’s wrist. “What …” but Brian only shook his head. There was no way he could take advantage of Justin; risk the young man hating him like he did that dreadful man. To do that would make him no better than Wemyss and Justin’s opinion of him was just as important as Brian’s was of the young man and Brian started to get up off the floor, but Justin pulled him down. “Make love to me …” pleaded Justin, but Brian tried to pull away. “You said what Wemyss did to me was just sex … that it didn’t mean anything …” and hearing Justin’s repeat his words, Brian turned back to face him. “Then show me how it’s meant to be … make it special …” whispered Justin and hesitating for just a moment, he got up onto his knees and leaned forward and instinctively, Brian opened up his arms to accept him: it seemed the most natural thing to do and suddenly, he had the blond in his arms. Justin had leaned into him; allowing Brian to take his weight and the younger man pressed his mouth against Brian’s. Brian tried not to smile as Justin attempted the kiss: he obviously had a lot to learn. Well, he’d come to the right man for that. Slowly, Brian took control of the kiss and with his hand at the back of the younger man’s head, Brian deepened the contact: Justin’s lips parting automatically to allow Brian’s tongue entry and he explored the inside of the blond’s mouth. Unable to hold his breath any longer, Justin was forced to break contact; disappointed that the kiss had ended so quickly. But he needn’t have worried: having tasted Justin, Brian wanted: no, needed more of him. He wanted to taste and touch and explore and show Justin every pleasure possible and he gently pushed the blond away in order to get up off the floor and Justin followed. Brian’s arms enclosed around him as he kissed him again and slowly, he walked Justin backwards: into the young man’s room and he closed the door behind them with his foot. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “You’re holding your breath,” grinned Brian and Justin let out a gasp of air; up until then, he hadn’t realized, but that was exactly what he was doing. Guiding Justin onto the bed, Brian had pulled off his own shoes and socks and had started to undo his shirt. “Shit … wait … I’ll be straight back …” and he rushed from the room and headed for his own and he started to search his bags: frantic efforts rewarded when Brian found the condoms and lube among his toiletries. Justin was thankful Brian had left as it gave him a chance to get undressed and he scrambled under the bedclothes. He’d hated the showers in the locker rooms; the other boys didn’t seem to bother about wandering around half-naked, but Justin was so conscious of his own body; that it might react and give his feelings away and he was nervous about what Brian would think of him. Brian tried not to smile when he found Justin in bed; the covers up to his chin like some Victorian virgin on her wedding night and he raised an eyebrow. “I was a little chilly …” Justin offered in his defence and then realized just how ridiculous that sounded. Moving towards the bed, Brian dropped the vital supplies down onto the nightstand and then stood back. Even though Justin had seen Brian naked before, watching the man finish undressing in front of him, Justin could feel himself begin to harden. Brian’s gaze never left him as he finished unbuttoning his shirt and then his hands moved down to his zipper. He hesitated; Justin’s eyes had followed the movement of his hands and the blond watched as Brian removed his jeans and briefs. Brian had fought to keep himself under control: telling himself to slow down. That this was something they were both going to enjoy. Brian picked up the corner of the bedclothes and Justin thought he was going to climb in beside him. But instead, the man pulled the covers back with a flourish, revealing Justin’s nakedness underneath. Justin fought to stop the flush that was threatening to engulf him as Brian got onto the bed; one hand either side of the young man’s shoulders as he leaned forward to kiss him and their bodies came together; Brian pressing Justin down into the mattress. Just as the young blond was wanting the kiss to go on forever, Brian broke contact; but only for a second as he started to move downwards, kissing Justin’s throat and along his collarbone. For some reason, Brian’s first time with Dan came flooding back to him and he could hear the man’s words in his head and could remember every move as he began to lick and then suck the young blond’s nipples; Justin’s body reacting exactly the same as his own had, all those years ago. As Justin felt Brian’s tongue working on first one nipple and then the other, he wanted to cry out and he arched his back, pushing up against the older man and then he couldn’t hold it in and moaned lowly as he could feel the man’s tongue pressing against his hardening nebs. He never realized how sensitive that area was, but it was as if his nipples had been hot-wired to his groin. Brian grinned; he didn’t bother asking Justin if he’d liked that, the jolt he felt go through the young man’s body told him enough. Though he ached to enter him, Brian remembered what the young man had been through at the hands of another and he saw Justin’s pleading look that said ‘go easy’ and how the young man was holding his breath in anticipation. After Justin had expelled the breath he’d been holding in for so long, he swallowed. “Roll over …” Justin narrowed his eyes and then he hesitated before doing as instructed and Brian noticed how the blond buried his face in the pillow and clutched the sheet; no doubt thinking he was about to be fucked and remembering the previous occasion. Gently spreading Justin’s legs, Brian knelt between them and he leaned forward and licked Justin’s neck and he felt him swallow again. Slowly, deliciously, Brian began to lick down Justin’s spine and he felt him shudder and Justin raised his head as he gasped. Spreading Justin’s buttocks, Brian began with broad, wet licks in decreasing circles; seemingly never ending, around Justin’s hole and his tongue probed the muscle and then he pushed harder. Justin jumped at the shock of Brian’s intrusion, he was sweating and first constricted. But Brian’s persistence paid off; producing an overwhelming desire in the blond of wanting the older man inside him; sweeping away his previous memories and as Brian dipped his tongue in and out: constantly varying the pressure, Justin’s mind reeled with the pleasure he’d only dreamed of and hadn’t dared expect since his encounter with Wemyss. Brian could feel himself hardening and he knew he wouldn’t be able to hold out much longer. The act of entering Justin only with his tongue made him want to take the young man completely and he kissed his way back up Justin’s spine and the young man turned his head; allowing Brian access to his mouth. Turning under him so that he was now facing Brian, Justin reached up to kiss him again and the older man couldn’t ignore the tears that had welled up into the young man’s eyes: tears grateful for Brian’s sensitivity. Sitting back, Brian reached for the packet and tore it open with his teeth and wanting to make Justin a part of it all, he handed him the condom. “I know you’re heard all the lectures, so here … put it on me … put it on my dick”. Hesitating for barely a moment, Justin leaned forward and rolled the condom onto Brian’s long, thick shaft and then Brian leaned forward and kissed him again and gently pushed Justin down onto his back. Gently lifting the blond’s legs and placing them over his shoulders, Brian reached out and picked up the tube and flipped the top and he smothered himself and then worked some of the lube into Justin’s hole: the young man gasped. “It’s cold …” exclaimed Justin and Brian smiled. “It’ll heat up,” and he swore he could hear Dan’s voice saying exactly the same words, as he now tried to reassure the young man who was covering his face with his hands. “Justin … Justin …” slowly, the blond uncovered his face and Brian reached out to wipe away a tear. “Whatever happened before doesn’t count …” reassured Brian, but Justin looked away. “Look at me,” Brian instructed and slowly, Justin turned back to face him. “This is your first time … this is special … here … and with me …” said Brian gently and he positioned himself at the entrance to Justin’s hole and slowly he started to enter him and Justin groaned, initially the pain almost too much and Brian slowed. “I know it hurts … it’ll always hurt a little … but that’s part of it …” and he began his slow thrusts and Justin arched his neck and groaned as the indescribable pain gave way to an even more indescribable pleasure as he felt Brian fill him completely. Brian was right; this was nothing like the time with Wemyss. This was something wonderful and magical; making Justin feel so very special and once again, Brian heard himself repeating Dan’s words. “I want you to remember this,” said Brian quietly, now quickening his thrusts and pushing further in. “So from now on … no matter who you’re with … I’ll always be there …” Brian nervously watched the expression on the young man’s face and sighed with relief when he saw the hurt disappear from Justin’s features as the young man closed his eyes in pleasure and gasped. Brian lowered his body so that his torso now rested on Justin and their two bodies moved as one. With their faces so close, Justin opened his eyes, both men holding each other’s gaze, trying to read each other’s thoughts. Of course, Brian had no idea of what had been going through Dan’s mind that time, but for Brian, taking Justin as if it was the young man’s first time, Brian felt something inside that he’d never felt before. It was as if it was his first time all over again as he chased away Justin’s memories of the man who’d used and abused him and he wondered why it was he should care so much about this young man who now clung to him and reached up; bringing Brian down for yet another kiss. Justin watched Brian’s orgasm develop in the man’s face and the pleasure that took over the younger man, seeing the effect in Brian’s features, made Justin feel complete; almost feeling Brian’s orgasm as his own. Feeling their bodies so deeply connected, Justin felt the penetration wasn’t just physical. Brian had entered his heart and soul and whatever happened from this day on, they would always be bound together. When Justin allowed Brian to take him now willingly and able to dismiss the feelings of apprehension he’d been experiencing, all thoughts of what had gone before were lost forever. This indeed was his first time, the time that counted, the time that was so very special. And that time was with Brian. Brian had never allowed himself to feel like this before and wondered why it seemed so easy now. The blond wasn’t just a fuck, he realized with shock. This wasn’t a quickie to be over and done with and forgotten within minutes: some nameless trick in one of the many back rooms he’d frequented. There was something about this young man that made Brian feel more special now then even his first time with Dan. For Dan hadn’t given himself as completely as this young man had done: the same way Brian had given himself for Dan. The way Brian suddenly felt as if Justin had taken hold of his heart; clean out of his chest and now kept it for himself: possessing it forever. But as Brian’s orgasm hit; even though after they’d both climaxed and he found himself holding on to the young man, still inside him; feeling more connected and intimate with Justin than he had with anyone else in his life before, old fears and memories just wouldn’t go away. There was no point in thinking this could last; that it could turn into something wonderful and fulfilling. Why would he think it wouldn’t end in heartache, just like with the last man he’d given his heart to? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Withdrawing gently, Brian felt Justin relax into him and soon heard the young man’s rhythmic breathing, signifying he was asleep. Gently, Brian eased the blond out of his arms and laid him back on the pillows and pulled the covers over him and then made his way to the bathroom and tossed the condom in the trash. Stepping into the bath and turning on the shower, Brian could still smell the young man on his skin and he closed his eyes as he began to wash away Justin’s scent and thought about leaving in the morning: For if he didn’t leave soon, he might never get away in one piece. Justin woke around 3:00 and as he stirred he stretched out; expecting to feel Brian lying beside him, but the bed that side was cold and empty. “Brian …” said Justin quietly and he propped himself up on his elbows and listened: maybe he’d gone to the bathroom and he leaned back onto the pillows. Justin lay there for a few minutes until he realized Brian wouldn’t be coming back to his bed. Puzzled and little hurt, Justin wondered why the man should have left him alone like that and it took some while before he fell asleep again. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Brian slept in longer than he meant to and Justin was already up and about when he went downstairs. He almost considered just packing up and leaving: making his escape while the blond was still asleep. But he’d left it too late and besides, after everything that Justin had done for him, he could hardly leave without saying goodbye at least. There was toast and cereal on the table when Brian made his way into the kitchen and he caught his breath and stood stock still, remembering how Justin had given himself so freely, so lovingly as he watched him feed Rusty: the young man not knowing he was there until he stood up and turned around, to find Brian observing him from the doorway. “Coffee’s on …” was all Justin said and Brian smiled and headed for the stove and he picked up the pot and poured out two cups. “Not for me … I’ve had breakfast … I’ve got work to do …” “On a Sunday?” queried Brian. “Farm work never stops,” said Justin flatly and he reached for his coat. “Justin …” “There’s fresh milk in the fridge … help yourself to anything you want …” and with a sadness in his eyes, Justin pulled his coat around him and walked out the door. Brian couldn’t miss the blond’s disappointed look and knew that not waking up together had left Justin saddened and confused. After all, wouldn’t that have been the most natural thing for them to do? And as he watched Justin climb on board the tractor and start it up, Brian repeated the young man’s words to him: ‘help yourself to anything you want …” but what if the one thing that Brian wanted was Justin? Though Brian’s history with relationships was virtually non-existent, something was pulling him towards this young man. There had to be, otherwise he’d already be on the road and gone. When Justin walked out the kitchen door he half expected Brian to just pack up and leave; for there to be no trace of him when he returned. After working out in the field all morning, he reckoned he’d given the man enough time to do just that and resigned himself to the fact that Brian would be gone forever. Which was why he could hardly believe his eyes when he returned to find the Jeep still parked up behind the house. “Tuna and macaroni …” “I’m sorry?” queried Justin and he toed off his sneakers and left them on the mat and shook off his jacket before washing his hands at the sink. “I found everything in the larder … well … I think I put in everything …” mumbled Brian to himself and Justin watched, totally bemused, as the older man picked up the cloth and opened up the oven door and surveyed his efforts. “Shit … fuck …”, Brian almost dropped the casserole on the floor and just managed to bring the steaming dish onto the counter still in one piece; the cloth hadn’t been as thick as he’d thought and he burned his hand. “Here … let me …” taking Brian by the wrist, Justin led him to the sink and he ran the tap and held Brian’s hand under the cold water. “You didn’t have to do this …” said Justin, disbelieving. He’d assumed that Brian wasn’t particularly domestic and had to suppress a giggle at the serious expression on the older man’s face as he’d concentrated on lifting their lunch out of the oven and Brian shrugged. “I thought it was about time I pulled my weight … besides … it’s actually about the only thing I can cook … when I was a kid … a friend’s Mom used to feed me a lot … she used to make tuna and macaroni all the time …” Justin took a clean dishtowel from the drawer and gently dried Brian’s hand and the older man sat down at the table as Justin retrieved the first-aid kit from a kitchen cupboard. “Did your Mom work a lot?” asked Justin and he sat down beside Brian and began to apply the Aloe Cream and he glanced up at him. “You said you ate at a friend’s …” Brian blinked and concentrated on what Justin was doing. “She didn’t cook much … she … “ and his voice trailed off. Finishing what he’d been doing, Justin now looked up at him and held Brian’s gaze and for the first time saw an unfamiliar pain in Brian’s eyes. Justin had had such a wonderful childhood; there may not have been too much money around, but it had been full of love. But reading Brian’s expression, he realized the older man’s experiences had been far different to his own. Brian had never talked about his childhood, not to Dan or even really to Paul. But there was something about this young man that made it so much easier to open up. “She and Dad used to fight all the time … she’d spend most of the day at church … and not even remember to feed my sister and me …” “Not that we minded … she was a lousy cook …” and Brian allowed himself a slight smile, but Justin noticed how it didn’t chase away the hurt from the man’s eyes. “What about your Dad … were you close?” asked Justin and instinctively, Brian brought his uninjured hand up and brushed his face; rubbing away some imaginary bruise. “Not so you’d notice …” said Brian quietly, but his actions hadn’t gone unnoticed by the blond, who wondered how it was possible that something that must have happened such a long time ago still effected this man as an adult. They fell silent and then Justin went to speak: “Brian …” “I know what you’re going to ask …” said Brian and he got up from the chair and he leaned against the counter; inspecting the red mark on his hand. “No you don’t,” stated Justin, turning round in his seat to look at him, but Brian nodded. “You want to know why I wasn’t there when you woke up this morning …” “I was wondering …” Brian shrugged. “I never spend the night with anyone …” “What … never?” asked Justin and Brian shook his head. “I don’t feel the need to wake up with anyone … have breakfast together … make small talk …” “What’s the point? I’d got what I wanted and so I’d leave … no discussion … no … how was it for you … am I gonna see you again … “ “I don’t believe in all that crap … I don’t believe …” and although he could see the disappointment spreading across Justin’s face, Brian couldn’t stop himself. “I don’t believe in love … I believe in fucking. It’s honest … it’s efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit …” It was so automatic; he almost still believed it. “Are you telling me you didn’t feel anything last night?” asked Justin. “Because if you are, I don’t believe it … and I don’t think you do either …” and he got up out of his chair and crossed the floor between them. “At least that’s how it looked to me …” Brian went to turn away, but Justin caught him by the elbow and turned him back. “Last night … when we were making love …” “We were fucking, Justin …” stated Brian, trying as much as he could do to protect himself from his feelings for this young man. “No … it was more than that … much more … it was special … you said so …” and Brian closed his eyes: he couldn’t deny it. “ I was watching you,” continued Justin. “Your eyes were closed, but your mouth was open … in a sort of smile … you were in another place … a beautiful place … that place was me …” “It wasn’t just special for me … and if you say it was … then you’re lying …” and putting his sneakers and jacket back on, Justin called for Rusty and with the dog at his heels, headed back outside. He needed to get away from Brian and leave him to decide what it was he wanted. And if he was still there when he got back, then maybe last night had meant more than the man had cared to admit. Brian looked down at their uneaten lunch and then closed his eyes. Everything Justin challenged him on was true. Last night had been special and not just for the younger man. Brian had known it right from the start; had felt that connection: a bond that he’d never known before, not even with Dan, but was he willing to try and overcome his fears and take a chance with a kid so much younger than himself? Or was that the part of the appeal? That Justin wasn’t the hard-bitten cynic that Brian had allowed himself to become: That he was open and honest and willing possibly to take the biggest risk of his life? But was Brian ready to take such a risk as well? Grabbing his jacket from the back of the door, Brian stepped outside. He could see Justin disappearing into the distance and knew he wouldn’t catch him easily on foot, so he made for the Jeep. In the still air, Justin heard the vehicle start up and momentarily broke his step and closed his eyes: Brian was leaving. But instead of hearing the engine become fainter, the sound grew louder as the Jeep closed down on him and Brian swerved to a stop in front of the blond and jumped down from behind the wheel. “I don’t make promises Justin … and I don’t know how I’ll feel a month … or maybe even a week from now … and I can’t say that I’ll never slip up or let you down …” and Brian closed his eyes briefly as Justin studied him. “But I … I like being around you …” Justin stepped in closer and saw in Brian’s eyes how he was asking to stay but unable to say the words; that he was willing to take a chance. “Okay … so … shall I make room in my drawers … for your drawers?” asked the blond; the smile playing on his lips and Brian grinned and then the grin disappeared. “Just so long as you know …” “No promises …” “No promises …” repeated Brian and Justin reached up on tiptoes to kiss him. As he held the blond, Brian closed his eyes tightly: not daring to believe he was taking the biggest step of his life and risking everything: not least his sanity and his heart. To be continued. Many thanks to Lois and Judy for all your help, advice and friendship.