Picture provided by Susan ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chapter 5: Shocked at suddenly hearing Justin's voice, Brian spun around to face him, pulling away from Debbie's touch. “What the fuck …how long have you been standing there …how much did you hear?” he demanded.   “Enough”, answered Justin, putting down his rucksack and slowly walking up the few steps to the bedroom.   He'd decided he couldn't just wait downstairs; he'd needed to know what was going on and, coming up to the loft, Justin had found the door hadn't been closed properly behind Debbie and so he'd walked right in.   Debbie put her hand on Brian's arm once more and she patted him. “I think I'd better leave you two boys to sort this out” and she reached up to give him a kiss.   “Now's your chance … don't shut him out”, she whispered in his ear and she turned away, passing Justin as she went. “ Good luck, kiddo”, she mouthed to him as she left, closing the door behind her.   The silence in the loft was deafening and Brian could now only stare at the floor, unable to look Justin in the face as the blond approached him.   Justin hesitated at first; he wasn't sure whether he should touch him, but slowly, he slipped his arms around Brian's waist and, meeting no opposition, gently pulled the troubled man towards him. He held his breath for a moment, relieved that Brian hadn't backed away; had accepted his embrace.   Brian realized he had no resistance left and put his arms around the blond: holding him tightly. He rested his chin on Justin's shoulder and Justin brought his hand up to run his fingers through Brian's hair and he felt him physically relax: At last it was out in the open; he didn't have to pretend everything was alright any more.   They stood hugging for a long time; neither of them wanting to let go, but eventually it was Brian who pulled away. But Justin took him by the hand, not allowing him to break the contact.   “Talk to me” he pleased and he sat on the bed, gently pulling Brian down beside him.   Brian sighed, closing his eyes and shaking his head; he couldn't find the right words, so how could he make him understand? But then Justin reminded him.   “I do know a little of what you're going through remember”, he said. “I know I ... I wasn't raped, but I was the victim of a violent assault. You wonder how something like that could ever happen to you and that maybe it was even your fault and that you should have been able to do something to prevent it.”   Justin took a deep breath, knowing how memories of that time were still so painful to Brian: to both of them and he spoke slowly.   “When I got bashed ... I wasn't really aware of what was happening and I still don't remember that much about it ... I was spared that. But when you were attacked ... you knew everything that was happening to you and I can't imagine how you felt then”, and he gently stroked Brian's neck.   Justin hesitated, but he had to ask; he had to know exactly what they were dealing with. “Did he use anything?”   Brian nodded. “I thought for a moment he wasn't going to ... but yeah …he did”.   Justin studied him. He'd never seen Brian as crushed as this before. It was like he was empty inside; the life sucked right out of him.   “Now I understand why you couldn't let me touch you.”   “I couldn't bear the thought of anyone touching me ... it wasn't just you”, whispered Brian .   “I know ... I just can't stand to think of anyone hurting you” replied Justin and Brian could hear the blond's voice break as he spoke.   Until that point, Brian hadn't dared look at him, but now he turned towards the blonde and could see his eyes shining with the tears behind them.   “You tried to warn me … I should have listened to you”, he said, allowing himself a slight smile.   “Where do I go from here, Justin?” Brian hated to admit defeat, but right now, he couldn't see any way forward.   Justin squeezed his hand. “The hardest thing is accepting what's happened ... I learned that. But it won't go away overnight and you shouldn't blame yourself. Debbie was right ... it wasn't your fault and you shouldn't feel ashamed that you couldn't stop it.”   “But please, Brian … don't shut me out any more. Without your strength after the bashing I don't know what I would have done … now let me help you ... we'll do this together.”   Brian let out a deep sigh, grateful to know that Justin would be there to see him through this; someone he could trust to back off when necessary and to be there for him when he needed it.   “You look pretty beat.”   “Debbie said I looked like shit.”   Justin chuckled. “Yeah …you do.”   “Now you're here … are you staying?”   “Do you want me to?” asked Justin and Brian nodded in reply.   “I can sleep on the sofa tonight … I don't mind.”   Brian thought for a long moment before speaking. “No, I'd like you with me … if that's okay with you.”   “Sure. You should get some rest. Do you need any help … or shall I make myself scarce while you get ready to turn in?”   “It's okay … you don't need to do that”, replied Brian, only hesitating slightly before pulling his tee up over his head and discarding it.   The marks were only just visible now and how Justin longed to touch them, kiss them, make them better, but he daren't: not yet. Not until Brian was ready.   Brian removed the remainder of his clothing and climbed into bed and Justin undressed quickly and got in beside him, pulling the sheet up over them and he turned out the lights.   With no words spoken between them and none necessary, Brian found himself moving closer to Justin until he was snuggled up against him; an action unfamiliar to him. He'd instinctively turned towards Justin for comfort and the blond moved so that he could bring his arm around him: the brunet's head resting on Justin's shoulder.   And now Justin was putting up a barrier of his own: guarding Brian, providing sanctuary from the outside world.   And for all Justin's tender years, Brian did indeed feel protected by the younger man's embrace; shielding him from harm and he remembered Debbie's words, “Let him heal you” and knew that if anyone could bring him back, then Justin could.   And even though he would probably never admit it, if anyone could show him the difference between a sexual act; a union born out of violence and the need to overpower and control, to that of an act of love; then the young man now sharing his bed was the one to do it.     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     They slept in late, getting up around 9:30 for coffee and toast, consumed in a comfortable if quiet atmosphere between them. Brian then showered and shaved and emerged from the bedroom dressed in fresh jeans and blue denim shirt.   “Wow”, exclaimed Justin, heading for the bathroom himself. “That's a definite improvement.”   “Well … I thought it was about time I made an effort”, replied Brian, reluctant to admit that the way he'd been feeling about himself had been mirrored in how he'd looked of late and not just a way of covering the marks on his body.   When Justin returned to the living room a little while later, he found Brian at the computer and the brunet looked up at him and smiled. “I thought I'd try and catch up with the work I haven't got round to these passed few days. Cyn'll be chewing me out if I don't get it done soon and I can't afford to miss the deadlines.”   “What about you … aren't you supposed to be in class? I'd hate for you to miss out on my account”.   “That's okay ... I'm in front with everything. You're more important at the moment”.   “Justin, nothing's more important than your future and that includes me. If you do need to go into school and catch up on your work, I'll be fine here on my own. In fact …”   “What …what is it?”   “Would you really mind too much if I said I wanted to be on my own for a little while ... just a few hours ... while I sort myself out? I'll be done here soon and if I'm going back to work and picking up my life again, I have to get my head straight about what's happened”.   Brian could see Justin was disappointed that he didn't seem to want him around, thinking that even now he was still rejecting him and he quickly got out of his chair, catching hold of his hand as the younger man walked by.   “Hey, I'm not shutting you out … I just need a little more time on my own …okay?” and Brian pulled the blond towards him and for the first time in days, he kissed him.   Justin lent against him, fighting the urge to explore Brian's mouth with his tongue, having to be content for now with just slight pressure on the lips. But at least it was a kiss.   They separated and Justin searched Brian's eyes for any sign that he wasn't quite telling the truth, but found none.   Brian returned to his computer whilst Justin put on his jacket and picked up his bag; he headed for the door. “Okay, I'll back off and if you're sure you're gonna be alright … I'm supposed to be working again later, so I'll be back around 6:30 ... unless you want me to stay ....”   Brian looked at him; now it was his turn to be concerned. “No ... I'll be okay ... but you're pulling a lot of extra shifts lately …don't go overdoing it”.   “I won't … but I need to have a little money of my own”.   Brian looked back at the screen and chewed his bottom lip, wincing at Justin's words. “In case I throw you out again you mean?” he said quietly.   Justin said nothing, but crossed the floor to reach him. He put his hand under Brian's chin and turned his face towards him and took a few seconds to do nothing other than look into his eyes. He kissed him; he was forgiven.   The words didn't come, but the look in those hazel eyes said “thank you” and Brian smiled slightly up at him and Justin left him and made his way to the door once more.   “Oh, and if I cook tonight, do you promise me you'll eat it? he called back at him.   “Yes Mom”, came the rather sheepish reply and Brian glanced up at him and grinned, just in time to see Justin poke out his tongue at him before closing the door.     ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     A couple of hours later and Brian had finished everything that had been outstanding and was able to email the changes and instructions to Cynthia at the office.   He made some fresh coffee and took it to the sofa. He'd been drinking too much alcohol just lately, but now was the time for a clear head. He knew he had to face everything square on, but that was his usual style and he realized he couldn't allow what had happened to change the way he dealt with things; to overtake his life.   And now he didn't have to keep it from Justin, that it was finally out in the open, he knew it was time to try and start putting it behind him.   Looking into his cup, Brian started to wonder just how much in command of his own life he really was. If anyone had asked him before this, he would have said he was in total control, but now, thinking about it, he recognized of course how different the reality in truth was and that everyone is affected by things which they actually have no control over themselves.   For once having left home Brian thought he was, at last, in control of his own life: his own destiny. From the age at which he'd grown physically strong enough to stand up to his abusive Father, he'd let no one else rule him and had been determined that no one ever would. But in just a few minutes, all that had changed and he had been totally powerless to prevent what had happened and it was that loss of power and control that scared him and had reawakened painful memories of all those childhood beatings; memories he thought he'd buried deep within him; recognizing just how vulnerable he really was.   He knew Debbie and Justin were right. It wasn't his fault; there was never any excuse for rape. But it was how he'd reacted to the assault that concerned Brian as much as the attack itself; how he'd been unable to face it and deal with it head on.   He finished his coffee, knowing now was the time to deal with the pain; to come to terms with it in order to move forward and take back that control.   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~     When Justin returned to the loft, he had with him everything needed for their evening meal.   Brian peered inside the bags: “Don't tell me …Debbie”.   Justin nodded. “She sort of hijacked me. She had everything we would need together by the end of my shift, so all I have to do is put this in the oven and reheat for about 45 minutes and we're done”, he said, indicating the dish with the large lasagne that would probably keep them going for the rest of the week.   “But at least I get to prepare the salad”, and Justin put everything in a bowl to rinse under the cold water. He made up the dressing and once everything was prepared, he laid the table.   Brian took a bottle of wine from the refrigerator and opened it. He didn't like Justin drinking hard liquor, but wine wouldn't hurt and maybe it would help them loosen up a little more. He was aware there'd been tension in the air between them just lately and he wanted to reassure Justin that none of it was down to him.   Justin watched him whilst they ate and although he didn't eat a lot, he was glad to see Brian was at last tucking into a reasonable feed. He was getting too skinny by far and, with a couple of glasses of wine inside him, seemed to be more relaxed than he had in days.   Surprisingly, Brian found he was enjoying this scene of domesticity. Before Justin came along, he hardly ever ate at home other than take-outs or ordering in and they were normally consumed sitting on the floor, leaning against the sofa. But eating at the table, complete with the linen, now seemed very comfortable and unthreatening.   After their meal, they cleared away the dirty plates and loaded the dishwasher before settling on the sofa: neither of them having mentioned the next step to be taken.   Brian had emptied the bottle of wine, pouring equal measures for them both, handing Justin his glass to him before sitting down.   “Thanks …do you wanna watch a movie or something?” asked the blond, but Brian shook his head and took a sip of his drink.   “No ... not unless you want to. Otherwise, I ... I was thinking that maybe we could have an early night”.   Justin looked at Brian for a few moments before he put down his drink and slowly moved up the sofa towards him. He took the glass from the man's hand and set it down.   “Are you sure you're ready for this?”   Brian looked down at his hands. “I … yeah ... I think so.”   Justin lifted Brian's chin, allowing him to gaze into those beautiful hazel eyes.   “Promise me you'll tell me to stop if you're not okay with anything”, he said and Brian nodded.   Slowly, Justin climbed into Brian's lap, putting his arms around the man's neck: pulling him forward, bringing their mouths together.   He held off a little, waiting for Brian to take the lead and Brian, realizing Justin was waiting for him to give a sign that he was comfortable with what they were doing, parted his lips to allow Justin's tongue to enter his mouth. The kiss deepened, both men breathing through their noses, wanting to maintain this contact as long as possible.   With his fingers running through the silky blond hair, Brian could feel his heart pounding at the closeness of him. He needed Justin and, pulling apart, Justin could see that hunger in his eyes.   Brian smiled and nodded slightly. Justin climbed out of his lap and held out his hand, which Brian took, and they headed for the bedroom.     To be continued.