Brian picture by Tadzio ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chapter 10: “For Chrissakes, Tim. I said Century font size 20 in orange. This is fucking 16 in blue. I told you we’d made some changes”. Justin threw down the boards he’d picked up from the student intern to check over. Eyeconic Optics was a new account and could prove to be quite a lucrative one. They couldn’t afford to screw up. Justin took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his hair. He hadn’t meant to get so pissed off with the new kid. He remembered what it was like to do an internship, be the one who got all the little jobs, the running around, be the gofer. He knew Tim had talent, and had wanted to give him the opportunity to show what he could do, but the kid lacked application and his powers of concentration left a lot to be desired. “I’m sorry Mr. Taylor. I’ll re-do them straight away”. Tim took the boards and hurried out of Justin’s office. Justin had a right to be angry, but every little thing was setting him off right now. And it had done so ever since that night Brian had fled the loft: after Justin had offered him money. Cynthia popped her head in the door. “You OK boss?” she asked. “Huh?” “Well, I could hear you half-way down the hall. It’s not like you to go chewing anyone out like that, especially a kid”. Justin put down his pen and pushed back his chair. “Take no notice of me right now Cyn. I’ve……… I’ve just got something on my mind, that’s all”. “Mmm”, replied his PA. “What does that mean?” asked Justin. “Well”, said Cynthia, perching on the edge of his desk. “In my experience, when somebody says they’ve got something on their mind, what they usually mean is someone. So spill. What’s he like?” Cynthia had worked for the previous Art Department Manager and her help had been invaluable to Justin when he was appointed as replacement. She had also become a good friend and could read him like a book. “It’s not what you’re thinking,” he answered. “In any case, I screwed up. I don’t think I’ll be seeing him again”. “Well, in that case, I prescribe a night on the town. Why don’t you give the boys a call and see if they want to go to Babylon?” “I don’t know, Cynthia. Not sure I’m up for it”. “For goodness sake, Justin. Anyone would think you’re ready for the pipe and slippers brigade. Not up for it indeed. Sounds like it’s just what you need if you ask me. Now, shall I get Emmett on the line for you?” and she slid off his desk and was out the door before he had time to protest. Perhaps Cynthia was right. He needed to forget Brian. After all, he wasn’t his problem, was he? Babylon was heaving as usual and it wasn’t long before Justin had hooked up with one of the hottest guys there. He’d given up on all this when he’d been with Paul. It had seemed that his and Paul’s idea of fidelity hadn’t exactly been on the same wavelength. Whilst Justin had been prepared to commit himself, his lover had given in easily to temptation whilst all the time professing how much he loved Justin and it was as much Paul’s lack of honesty as his lack of commitment that had finally driven them apart. Heading into the back room, he stopped to let someone pass and couldn’t hide his shock when he came face to face with Brian. He went to speak, but Brian didn’t appear to recognise him. His eyes were glazed and he was very pale. It didn’t take a genius to see he was out of head on one or another of the chemical substances that was so readily available in any club on any night of the week. He watched as Brian stumbled his way back onto the dance floor. Justin apologised to his trick, saying he’d changed his mind. There was somewhere else he needed to be. Following Brian as he headed for the bar and he watched as the young man ordered a beer, bought to wash down the pills that Brian took from his jacket pocket. Just as he was about to put them in his mouth, Justin grabbed him by the elbow. “What the fuck are you doing?” he demanded. Brian looked at him, but it was a few moments before he recognised the blond. “Let go of me”, he said, pulling away from Justin’s grasp. He tossed the tablets into his mouth and took a swallow from the bottle. “Brian, what are you taking?” “What’s it to you? Fuck off. Leave me alone. I’m working”. He’d spotted a guy standing at the bar, who looked a likely prospect and swayed over to him. Justin followed. He took Brian by the arm and swung him around. “You are going to kill yourself if you carry on like this. The pills are bad enough, but pills and booze don’t mix”. Justin had to yell over the music in order to be heard. Brian squared up to him and for a moment they were eye to eye. “What the fuck is it to you what I do? Why should you give a shit if I kill myself? Like anyone gives a damn about me any how”. “I do”, said Justin, putting his hands on Brian’s shoulders. “I care”. “Hey kid. We doin’ this or not?” the guy at the bar was growing impatient. Brian was looking straight into Justin’s eyes. He did care. Even through the drug-filled haze that was beginning to overtake him, he could see that. Justin searched Brian’s face for any sign of emotion. And for a moment, thought he could see a flicker of realisation in his eyes, when he’d spoken those words. ‘He must know I care’, he thought. Without another word to Justin, Brian pulled away from him and turned back to his potential trick. They spoke for a few moments, before heading off to the back room. Justin watched him go. “To hell with him’, he thought and calling over the barman, ordered a Beam: a double. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A few days later, whilst Justin was mulling over the boards for a new client, Cynthia rang through. “Justin, you have a visitor”. “Can’t it wait Cyn? I’m pretty tied up right now”. “He says to tell you it’s Brian”. Slowly, Justin put down the boards. “Send him in”, he said, after a long pause, wondering what on earth would bring Brian to his place of work. As Brian entered the office, Justin got up from behind his desk. “Hi”, he said quietly. “What can I do for you?” Brian walked over to the window, shaking his head when Justin asked if he wanted to sit down. He stared down into the street for a few moments before turning round. “‘Bout the other night. I acted like shit. You didn’t deserve it”. Justin walked over to him. “I meant what I said. I do care what happens to you, even if you can’t believe that”. “I know”, answered Brian. “I really think you do”. “Then why won’t you let me help you?” “It’s not easy for me, Justin. I’m used to taking care of myself. I don’t need anyone else looking out for me”. Brian moved away and went to stand by the desk. Being so close to the blond wasn’t making it easy for him to keep a clear head. “What are these?” he said, picking up the boards from the desk. Realising Brian wanted to steer the conversation away from anything more personal, Justin walked over to him. “They’re the posters for a new ad campaign for Poolside Cooler”, he said. Brian picked up a bottle of the drink that was sitting alongside the boards. “I’ve tried this stuff”, he said, “It tastes like cat’s pee”. Justin laughed. “I happen to agree with you”, he said “and I have my doubts about this whole campaign. I don’t think it’s gonna turn the sales around like they want”. “Who are they trying to sell it to?” asked Brian. “It’s aimed at the young female market, but I’m not sure they’re gonna go for it”, answered Justin. “You know what?” said Brian. “You put a different label on this and all the kids down Liberty Avenue would go mad for it”. “What sort of label?” enquired Justin, taking the bottle from him. “Well, just think about it. You get a photo of some hot guy in his Speedo's and call it…….. Mmm….. I know. Call it Pool Boy, and you’ve got yourself a winner.” Justin looked at him in disbelief. “Where did that come from?” he asked. Brian shrugged. “I dunno,” he said. “But I do know that sex can sell just about anything”. Clayton Pool was known to be an anti-gay campaigner. The irony of marketing his product to the gay community was not lost on Justin. “You know, I think you may have something there. I’ll pass it up to the account manager. I know she wasn’t too keen from the start. This may be just the angle it needs. There’s a lot of disposable income from the pink dollar. And our money’s as good as anyone’s”. Justin put the bottle back on his desk and looked at his watch. “It’s getting late. You hungry?” he asked. “A little”, admitted Brian. “Then why don’t we go and get a bite to eat? My treat. I’ve just about finished here for the day in any case”. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Arriving at the Liberty Diner, Brian hesitated at the door. “What’s up?” asked Justin. “I didn’t realise we were coming here”, said Brian. “What’s wrong with the diner?” “I’ve only been here the once before. I know someone who works here now and I didn’t want to run into them”. “Well, I guess we can go somewhere else if you want”. But before they had a chance to leave, they were spotted. “Justin”, called out Daphne. She was enjoying spending her visit back to Pittsburgh looking up old hangouts and she used to come to the diner with him. “Too late, we’ve been sprung”, whispered Justin into Brian’s ear. “Hi Daph”. As well as Daphne, Emmett, Ted, Lindsay and Melanie, were already seated at one of the tables, with baby Gus asleep in his stroller. Daphne was sitting at the counter, talking to Debbie. “Hi Sunshine”, greeted Debbie. Thankfully, Justin had long ago gotten over being embarrassed by the nickname she’d bestowed on him. Brian had dived into a booth, with his back to Debbie, hoping she wouldn’t recognise him. He wasn’t ready to face her yet. “Hi Debbie, can I have two specials, a coffee and a coke please. We’ll be over there” and he indicated the table where Brian had gone to sit. Obviously Brian wasn’t yet ready to meet the gang officially. ‘Never mind’, thought Justin. ‘There’ll be time for introductions later’. “Sure thing honey. Sit yourself down and it’ll be ready shortly” and Debbie passed their orders into the kitchen. As Justin went to join Brian, Debbie leaned over the counter to Daphne. “Who’s that with Justin?” she said quietly. “Has he got a new boyfriend? I hope so, never did trust Paul. Always knew he was gonna break Sunshine’s heart. Mind you, this one looks a little young”. “It looks like Brian”, answered Daphne. “I met him at Justin’s loft a few days ago. He’s a street kid, but it seems Just’s taken a shine to him. Stopped him from getting beat up behind Woody’s and I think because of what happened to him, he’s got it into his head he needs to look out for the kid”. Debbie hadn’t been around at the time, but she’d heard the story and knowing how kind-hearted Justin was, it didn’t surprise her to learn he was looking out for this kid. But from the way they were sitting together, it was more than just friendship being shared here. After a few minutes, the bell from the kitchen signified the two specials were ready. Delivering them to their table, Debbie had just put Justin’s meal in front of him when her son came in the door. “Hi Mom”, “Hi Michael, how was school today?” said Debbie, turning to look at him. Michael had just started Community College. He hadn’t settled in particularly well and wondered whether staying on at school had been the right thing for him to do. “Okay, I guess. What’s for dinner?” “The special’s good today and so are the lemon bars. Sit down and I’ll get you something”, said Debbie, placing Brian’s food down on the table. She looked at him for a few moments, but he avoided making any eye contact with her. Still, she was sure she recognised him from somewhere, even though she didn’t recall seeing him in the diner before. “I’ll just go and wash up ……… Brian?” Michael stopped by their table. “Brian!” echoed Debbie, looking back at him. “My God, so it is. Brian, honey, how have you b ………..” Brian was up out of his seat and away from the table before anyone could stop him. “Michael, go after him”, called Debbie. With Michael hard on his heels, Brian ran as fast as he could down the street away from the diner. He didn’t want to see them, to face them, for them to see what he’d become. And he probably would have made it if it hadn’t been for the car that came out of the side street just that little too fast, nearly knocking into him: The driver sounding his horn in both anger and horror at nearly having run the kid down. The shock of the car suddenly appearing stopped Brian in his tracks, giving Michael just enough time to catch up with him. He grabbed his arm before he had a chance to run off again. “Brian. Wait up. Why did you run like that?” Slowly, Brian turned around to face his friend. “Hi Mikey. I just had to get outta there. Your Mom means well, I know. But she was gonna start asking questions and I didn’t want to have to try and answer them”. “She’s an Okay Mom, Brian. You could do a lot worse than talk to her” answered Michael. “She knows I’m gay you know and she’s fine with it. In fact, she’s more okay with it than I am sometimes. But at least I know I can talk to her about anything. Please, come back to the diner”. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “How do you know Brian?” asked Justin, now standing at the counter at the diner. “He and Michael were good friends at school when they were about 14. That was before I came to work here”, answered Debbie. “Look Justin, you may know this, but Brian’s Dad used to beat him up. He ended up at our place more than once. In the end, he got taken into care and we lost track of him. Poor kid, not the first to end up surviving out on the streets and I daresay he won’t be the last”. Justin waited. He was afraid that Brian had been scared off for good and couldn’t help but heave a deep sigh of relief when both Michael and Brian walked back in the door. Debbie didn’t bat an eye. Despite opinions to the contrary, she knew when to keep her mouth shut and when not to ask questions. As Brian sat down at the table, she placed before him and Justin, two fresh meals, the first having gone cold. “It’s good to see you again, honey”, she said. “Glad you’ve hooked up with Justin here. He’s a good one”, and she winked at him before she moved on to take another order. “Can I eat with you?” asked Michael, once his meal was ready. Brian looked up. “Sure”. So he sat down next to Brian and began to eat. It wasn’t long before the two old friends were chatting away as if they’d never been apart. Justin ate and listened. Teenage babble. ‘My God’, he thought. ‘Was I ever like that?’ and he couldn’t help but smile to himself. Having finished his meal first, Justin got up and went across to the counter, where he sat down next to Daphne. Debbie had finished clearing some tables and had come back to join them, pouring them all out some fresh coffee. She couldn’t help but notice that Justin rarely took his eyes off Brian. Not even for a minute. “You like him, don’t you?” she asked. Justin blushed a little and smiled. “I guess so,” he said. “It’s not gonna be easy Justin. He always was pretty independent and he’s had to fend for himself for a long time. He’s not used to other people looking out for him much. And I do understand why you want to help him, honey”. “I know,” said Justin. “But I hope to show him he doesn’t always have to do everything on his own. That it’s okay to accept help from time to time”. Watching the boys talking, seeing how at ease they appeared to be with each other, Justin was hoping again that he might be able to steer Brian away from the life he’d been leading. Debbie was right. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy. Taking the cell phone out of his pocket, Justin answered the call from his Mother. “Hi Mom. No, of course I haven’t forgotten. Yes, I’ll pick up the cake – I said I would. Don’t worry. Mom, is it OK if I bring someone? No …. he’s just a friend. Great. We’ll be there at 3:00 Bye”. “Well, I better run”, said Daphne. “I said I’d drop by my folks tonight. See you at Molly’s party Justin” and she kissed him and left. Picking up his son, Justin sat down beside Lindsay. “Mom says can we all be over there by 3:00 tomorrow. She’s arranged for Molly to be out until about 4:00, so we need to be there before to make sure it’s a surprise” and he bounced the gurgling youngster on his knee. Gus was always contented being with his Father. Justin had a calm, steady way with him and the baby picked this up. Very soon, the girls said their goodbyes, and headed for home. Emmett and Ted left for Woody’s and Justin went and sat back down with Brian and Michael. “I didn’t know you had a kid,” said Brian. He’d overheard the conversation from their table and had soon worked out that Justin was Gus’s Father. “Yes,” answered Justin. “It still seems a little strange to me. I never pictured myself a Father, but I wouldn’t be without him now”. “Where are you staying?” asked Michael to Brian. Brian looked at Justin and before he could say anything, Justin answered for him. “He’s staying with me”. The following afternoon, having collected Molly’s birthday cake, Justin and Brian were driving over to Justin’s parent’s house. “Are you sure your folks don’t mind me tagging along?” asked Brian. “I don’t want to get in the way”. “No, it’s fine. And you won’t be in the way. You’ve already met Daphne and sorta met Lindz and Mel at the diner, so it’s not like you won’t know anyone there. Anyhow, we don’t have to stay late, so if it gets a bit too full-on, we can always leave”. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The Taylor household had been decked out with balloons and streamers. It was a warm day, and most of the party would take place outside by the pool and Jennifer was directing operations when they arrived. “Hi Mom. Where do you want this?” asked Justin, indicating the large box containing Molly’s birthday cake. “Hello dear”, she replied, lifting the lid. “Oh, that’s really beautiful, I’m sure Molly will love that. I’ve set the table up outside, put it there for the moment honey and I’ll take it out of the box and set it up in a little while”. Jennifer looked from her son to his companion, waiting for Justin to introduce them. “Oh, Mom, this is Brian. Brian this is my Mother”. “Well, I’m pleased to meet you Brian”. “Me too, Mrs. Taylor. Thank you for allowing me to come today”. “You’re very welcome”. “Jennifer, where do you want this seating to go?” came the cry from inside the house. “Excuse me boys, I’ll be back in a moment” and Jennifer disappeared inside and Justin went out to place the box on the already food-laden table. Craig Taylor was struggling with a banner he was attempting to put up over the door. Brian grabbed the end of it as it fell down, apparently not for the first time, and clambered up beside him to hold it in place whilst it was fixed. “Thanks”, said Craig coming down off the ladder. “I don’t think we’ve met” and the older man held out his hand. “I’m Brian. I’m here with Justin” and the two shook hands. “Brian”, called Justin. “Could you give Mom a hand carrying out the glasses please?” “Sure”, said Brian, going indoors to find Jennifer and bring outside the glassware from the kitchen. Craig walked over to his son. “I believe that young man is with you. Is he legal?” “Dad!” exclaimed Justin. “For your information he’s 17, practically 18 and it’s not like we’re a couple or anything”. “Hmm”, answered his Father. Craig still struggled, seeing him with other men. It had taken him a long time to accept Justin and his previous partner as a “couple”, but if it made Justin happy, then Craig was willing to put his own feelings aside for the sake of his son. Everyone had started to arrive for the party. Cousins, a few Aunts and Uncles, old school friends, as well as Molly’s extended family, in the shape of Daphne, Lindsay, Melanie and baby Gus. Molly was overwhelmed to see the extent to which her family had gone in order for her to have this special birthday. Now older, she and Justin were on the best of terms, good friends, and she loved being an Aunt, doting on her baby nephew. Justin tried to involve Brian in the festivities, introducing him to family and friends alike, but he made no attempt at joining in and would only sit on the sidelines and observe. He’d managed to sneak out half a bottle of vodka, which he had best part consumed, all the time watching how comfortable, relaxed and totally accepted was Justin by his family. He'd seen him moving comfortably from one group to another and he now watched the blond laugh, sharing a joke with his Father, throwing back his head in response to something Craig had said, all the while the older man with a fatherly arm around his son’s shoulders. Brian could feel the tears stinging his eyes. He had no memories of happy gatherings such as this with his own family. The only touch he could remember from his Father was with his fists. But Justin was plainly at ease with his parents and those closest to him. Justin looked around, he’d lost track of Brian and wondered what had happened to him. Going in search, he eventually found him tucked away behind the house, hidden from view from the rest of the party. He noticed the empty vodka bottle by Brian’s feet and picked it up. “I wondered where you’d got to. Come back inside. If you’ve been drinking, you really should have something to eat”. Brian got unsteadily to his feet. “No thanks. But I will go and get another drink”. Justin took him by the arm. “I think you’ve had enough already”. Brian pulled away. “You’re not my fucking Father”, he said. “You don’t tell me what I can do”. “Christ, Brian. What’s got in to you? Come on, I think we’d better leave don’t you?” And he grabbed Brian by the arm before he could move out of his way, dragging him out the back gate and around to where his car was parked. He shoved Brian into the car and took out his cell phone. Daphne answered on the second ring. “Daph, it’s Justin. I’m taking Brian home. Give my love to Molly and tell her and Mom I’ll call them tomorrow”. “Justin, is everything OK? Do you need any help?” “No thanks. We’ll be fine. I’ll call you later”. They journeyed back to the loft with Brian in total silence: refusing to answer any of Justin’s questions. But Justin could see that he wasn’t just suffering from the effects of too much alcohol. It seemed to him that Brian was struggling to keep himself under control. “Now what the fuck was that all about?” They entered the loft and Justin threw his keys on the countertop. “Brian, what’s going on? Why wouldn’t you talk to anyone at the party? Why did you hide yourself away getting loaded?” “Sorry, didn’t mean to upset your nice little family gathering” and Brian sarcastically, plonking himself down on the sofa. “What does that mean? I took you today because I thought you might like to meet my family and some of my friends. And all you do is ignore everyone and get out of your skull”. Justin was standing directly in front of him and was determined to get some sort of answer. Abruptly, Brian stood up. “You’ve got it so easy. You haven’t got a clue, have you?” he said into Justin’s face, pushing passed him. “What is your problem? Is it me, my family, friends, what? WHAT?” Justin hadn’t mean to, but he realised he was shouting. He thought he saw Brian flinch as he raised his voice and put a hand out to touch him. “Don’t”, he said, walking out of range of Justin’s reach. “You’ve got it all tied up, everything in a neat little package. You have a great job, fantastic home, friends, parents who love you. You even have a kid, a neat little family all of your own”. “And I worked damned hard to get it. So what’s wrong with that?” “Hard?” Brian came right back at him. “You think you had it hard? Your parents aren’t exactly broke are they? You’ve had everything handed to you on a plate”. “No, Brian. I haven’t. If you only knew…" But Brian wasn't in the mood to listen to anyone else. "You and your perfect little life. You drag me along…" "I didn't drag you. You didn't have to go". "…….You drag me along, almost parade me in front of everyone…." "I didn't parade you. I introduced you. That was the polite thing to do". "……And you expect me to be grateful that you included me in your sweet little family party". Justin stopped and took a deep breath. This was getting them nowhere. He turned to Brian. "You keep mentioning my family. You know, you've never once talked about your folks. Is that what this is really all about, not my family, but yours?" He walked over to where Brian was now standing by the countertop; he could see he was shaking. "In fact, I don't really know too much about you at all, do I?" Gently, Justin placed his hand on Brian's shoulder, but he pulled away from him. "There's nothing to tell". "I don't believe that. How did you end up on the streets? What about your parents? Won't they be worried about you?" "My fucking parents don't give a damn about me". "I'm sure that's not true. I bet your Mom………." "My Mom is probably bombed out of her head right about now. She cared that much for me that most days she didn't even remember to feed me, let alone care where I was, what I'm doing!" Justin could hear the catch in Brian's voice and the tone was getting higher. "And as for dear old Pop, well, he beat the shit outta me practically every day of my life. It got so bad I was taken away and put into care, like it was my fault. That wouldn't have been so bad, in fact, it was okay there for a while, but then my foster-Mom goes and fucking dies on me, so I get moved to another home and then it's one fucking foster-home after another. And do you know how many different fucking social workers I've had? None of them cared enough to stick around for long. And then there were the different schools I had to go to." Brian's voice was at fever pitch and he was shaking hysterically. "I felt like a ……… like a fucking parcel that kept being passed around from one person to another, like in a fucking kid's game. Only this parcel nobody wanted to keep". The bile had risen in Brian's throat and Justin could only watch and listen in total helplessness. Suddenly, Brian lunged forward and swept his arm across the countertop, sending container jars and utensils flying to the floor. He moved to his right to do the same with the remainder of the items within his reach. Justin looked on, horrified. Afraid that Brian was going to hurt himself, and he did the first thing that came to mind. He got as close to him as he could and then took him in a bear hug from behind. "Let go of me. Let fucking go of me!" But Justin wouldn't and the only way he could think of restraining Brian; preventing him from damaging himself, was to sit down. He managed to take Brian to the floor, hanging on to him as tightly as he could: needing all his strength as Brian fought to shake him off. And Brian did fight. He had 17 years of bitterness bottled up inside him and Justin knew he had to let it out. As Brian's body was wracked with sobs, Justin whispered to him. "Let it all out. I'm here for you". But the tears now streaming down Brian's face were not tears of self-pity. They were tears of anger. To be continued.