Brian picture by Tadzio ____________________________________________________________________________________________________ Chapter 8: For days following his encounter with Brian, Justin couldn’t get the young man out of his head. Sure, he’d been attracted to him, but that Brian only thought the reason he took him back to the loft was to fuck him, had both annoyed and disappointed him. Justin hadn’t been looking for a casual lay, especially with just a kid who’d been shaken up and was vulnerable. But, looking back on at what had happened, he realised why Brian would think that way. After all, isn’t that what guys normally wanted from him? No, he’d genuinely been concerned. And that feeling hadn’t diminished in the days since. At the office, he was trying to concentrate on the boards he’d been putting together for the latest ad campaign he was working on when the phone rang. “Taylor”, he answered, on the third ring. “Hi, Justin”, said the voice on the other end. “Daphne? Am I glad it’s you. You got time to talk?” he asked. “Sure”, came the reply. “But I’ve got a better idea. Why don’t I take you out for lunch?” “Lunch? You in town?” “Sure am. Got back in last night. So, where do you fancy? How about that little Italian place just off Liberty?” she asked. “That sounds perfect. One o’clock do you?” asked Justin. “One o’clock it is. See you then”, and they both said goodbye and hung up. It would be great to see Daphne. They’d gone through school and then on to college together and were best friends. It wasn’t often she got back to the Pitts these days and he missed being able to talk to her. But, before he could justify even thinking of taking time off for lunch, he had to get to grips with the boards that were only half done and he tried to push all thoughts of Brian out of his head and get on with the task in hand. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Daphne was already seated at the table when Justin arrived, a little out of breath. “I’m so sorry I’m late”, he said. “I had to finish something before I could escape”. He leaned down and they exchanged a kiss before Justin sat. “That’s Okay,” said Daphne. “I know how busy you Managers are. I was so excited to hear about your promotion last year. You really deserve it, Justin. You worked so hard to get there after ……… well, you know”. “I know, Daphne” agreed Justin “and I still can’t believe it either”. The waiter arrived with the menus and after they made their choices, the conversation moved to catching up with family news and what they had both been doing since their last meeting. Chatting away, it seemed to Daphne that Justin was a little distracted and, half way through the meal, she took his hand. “I was really sorry to hear about you and Paul”, she said. “Don’t be” said Justin. “He screwed up just one too many times. I couldn’t put myself through another break-up only to be followed a week later by him wanting to come back. He’d done that to me so often, so this time I told him it had to be final. He couldn’t make up his mind, so I made it up for him. If he really wanted us to be together, he would’ve worked at us, but he didn’t. So in the end, I left him. He’s called me a few times and even shown up at the loft, but I know I made the right decision”. “Well,” said Daphne. “I’m so glad you feel that way about it. You sound really positive. Only you seem to have something on your mind, so I thought that must be it”. “Well, actually Daph”, said Justin. “You’re right. There is something bothering me. It’s dumb, I … I don’t even know him”. “I knew it had to be a guy”, smiled Daphne. “So, come on. Tell me all about him. What’s his name? Is he cute?” she asked. “His name’s Brian”, said Justin. “But it’s not like that. He’s just a kid, about 17, 18 tops. He came on to me at Woody’s and later, he was getting roughed up in the alley, so I stepped in”. “Oh, Justin”, said Daphne, the concern in her voice obvious. She was now holding both his hands across the table. Any onlooker could easily have taken them for lovers, their closeness clearly apparent. For a moment they were silent: neither of them needing to voice the memories, which haunted them still. Even after all these years. Eventually, Justin continued. “I wanted to make sure he was Okay, so I took him back to the loft to get cleaned up. He took a shower and I let him have some clothes of mine I didn’t wear any more”. “And?” prompted Daphne. “He thought I just took him back there to fuck him. And he would’ve let me. We both got a bit angry and he left”. Daphne let go of Justin’s hands and picked up her drink. “OK”, she said. “Let me see if I’ve got this straight. You’re worried about a guy, a complete stranger; that you stopped from getting hurt. But instead of seeing him on his way, you take him back home. And then you’re surprised that he thought you wanted to fuck him?” She finished her drink and set down her glass. Justin was silent. “And did you?” she enquired. “Did I what?” asked Justin. “Did you want to fuck him?” Daphne was looking straight at him, but Justin couldn’t meet her gaze. “Of course I did,” he admitted at last. “Daphne, he was so beautiful, you should have seen him. But he seemed so alone, vulnerable and so very young. It just didn’t feel right”. “I’m sure his age didn’t have a whole lot to do with it, do you?” Daphne asked, but Justin only shrugged. “It probably didn’t feel right because of what had happened to him. It brought back too many painful memories for you”. “So, what are you going to do about it?” she asked. “What do you mean?” “Well, if you’re still worried about him after what?” “Five days”, admitted Justin. “After five days”, continued Daphne, “then it sounds to me that you want to see him again”. “Daphne, he’s a hustler. I wouldn’t even know where to start to look for him”, said Justin. “Well, if you were looking to pick up a guy, where would you go?” Daphne asked, smiling. “Daphne, I’m not into pick-ups on street corners”, whispered Justin, mildly shocked at the suggestion. “As if”, chuckled Daphne. “Ok, I’ve had my fair share of anonymous sex, I admit that”, he said. “But I was a lot younger then. I prefer to get to know a guy a little now. But you’re right, I would like to get to see him again”. Finishing their meal, Justin couldn’t help but feel relieved at being able to talk to his friend. He’d so missed their chats, being able to tell her anything and everything, without fear of judgement or criticism; secure in their friendship. They promised to get together again soon and Justin asked her if she’d still be around for Molly’s birthday. He knew now what he had to do if he was going to get any peace of mind. He was going to have to find Brian. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ For the next few nights, Justin cruised the known pick-up areas of Liberty Avenue, but with no success. There were plenty of young guys offering their services, but none of them were Brian. Now parked up again, it was nearly 2.00am., raining hard and freezing cold, and he was just about to call it a night, when he saw him. He came walking around the corner, hands in his pockets and all hunched up against the cold and rain. He stopped to talk to a fair-haired kid, of about the same age, huddling in a doorway. “Christ, it’s cold tonight”, said Ricky, stamping his feet. “I think my balls are gonna drop off if I stand here much longer. You wanna smoke?” and he took out a pack of cigarettes, and offered them to Brian. Brian shook his head. “No thanks”, he said. “Jeez, it’s so slow tonight”, said Ricky, lighting up, shielding the match from the wind and rain. Justin watched them as they talked. Now he’d found him he wasn’t sure what to do next. The black Mustang GT came round the corner and stopped, and both kids went over to talk to the occupant. Justin couldn’t hear the conversation, but the guy in the car was obviously in a foul mood. He grabbed the fair-haired kid by his jacket and almost pulled him in through the window and Justin could see he was yelling at them. Pushing the kid back out on to the street, the man wound up his window against the harsh weather and drove off. Both kids looked pretty scared and relieved that he’d gone. Justin had made up his mind. He started up the car engine and pulled over the street and drove down to where the two kids were standing. As soon as the vehicle stopped, Brian put his hand on Ricky’s arm. “This one’s mine”, he said. And before Ricky had a chance to object, he went over to the kerb. “You want some company?” he asked, ducking down to look in the window. In the gloom, it took a few moments for Brian to recognise the man behind the wheel. “Shit. It’s you. Well, I didn’t think you’d need to come down here looking for action,” said Brian. “I don’t”, replied Justin. “Get in, I want to talk to you.” “Well, I don’t want to talk to you”, said Brian, straightening up. He was about to walk away, when he saw the Mustang pull up down the street. “Fuck”, he said. Justin heard him. “What? What is it?” he asked. Brian looked back in through the window. “It’s this guy, Nikolai. He’s watching me. If he sees you drive away without me, there’ll be hell to pay later”, he said. “Then I guess you’d better get in”, said Justin and he lent over and pushed opened the door. Once Brian was inside the car, Justin put it into gear and drove away. They rode for a couple of blocks in silence, before Brian asked, “What were doing back there?” “I told you,” said Justin. “I wanted to talk to you”. “You came looking for me?” asked Brian; unable to hide the surprise he felt having realised that the blond had actually come searching for him. “I felt bad how things got left the other night. I wanted to make sure you were okay”, said Justin. Glancing over to him, he suddenly realised that Brian was shivering and pretty wet. “Are you alright?” he asked. “Shall I turn up the heating?” and he reached over and spun the dial. “Yeah, I’m okay”, said Brian. “I think I’m just getting a cold. It’s been fucking freezing all day”. “You been on the street all day?” asked Justin and Brian nodded, now unable to speak for the fit of coughing that overtook him. Up until that moment, Justin had no idea where he’d been heading, but now he swung for home. Brian was obviously coming down with a bad cold or chill, or maybe even the ‘flu. There was no way he was going to let him go back out on the streets tonight. By the time they’d arrived at the loft, Brian was feeling pretty groggy. He hadn’t eaten all day and the cold and rain had chilled him right down to the bone. He was barely aware of Justin removing his wet clothes and wrapping him in a thick warm towel. Having cranked up the heating, Justin had dried Brian off and put him to bed. He prepared a drink of hot water, honey, and lemon, together with a healthy slug of whiskey – one of Granny Taylor’s cure-alls, and took it into the bedroom. Once it had cooled off, he helped Brian sit up. “Here”, he said, perching on the edge of the bed, and he handed Brian the mug. “Drink this. It’s good for chills and will help you sleep better”. Brian could feel the smoothness of the honey ease his throat and the warmth of the whiskey on his chest. “That actually tastes pretty good”, he said, drinking it down, his voice now barely audible. Taking the mug off him, Justin settled Brian back onto the pillows and drew the covers up under his chin and around his shoulders. He was asleep almost immediately. Justin stood and watched him for several moments. Even whilst sleeping, Brian looked troubled, unable to relax. And yet already at such a young age, he was beautiful, with well-defined features and classic looks; and Justin felt drawn towards him. As much as he was tempted to climb into bed beside him, Justin knew this wasn’t the time. Pulling a blanket and pillows down from the top of the closet, he settled on the couch for the night. But it was a while before he finally drifted off to sleep. Justin couldn’t have been asleep for more than a couple of hours when something woke him. For a moment, he thought he must have just dozed off on the sofa, but then he heard the murmurings from the bedroom. He couldn’t make out all what Brian was saying, but in his nightmare, someone seemed to be hurting him and Brian couldn’t make it stop. Justin lent down and touched Brian’s face, he was burning up. Going into the bathroom, he soaked a towel in cold water, which he then applied to Brian’s forehead. Brian continued to mumble in his sleep and was getting increasingly distressed. Justin sat on the bed and pulled him to him, trying to comfort and console him and eventually, he quietened and fell into a deep sleep. Daylight was beginning to creep in through the windows when Justin awoke and looked at the figure sleeping soundly beside him. Brian seemed more peaceful now and the fever appeared to have abated. Slowly, as not to waken him, Justin rose from the bed. Carefully, he opened the nightstand drawer and took out his pad and pencil. With the golden light of dawn spreading across his face, Brian looked even more beautiful to Justin than ever before and he could not resist the temptation to record this moment forever. Now sitting at the foot of the bed, Brian’s image was beginning to appear on Justin’s pad. Every so often, he would have to stop and massage his hand; such was the legacy of the injury he’d sustained. Just as he was finishing off, Brian began to stir. Justin quickly stood up and walked down the steps to the lounge room and across to the kitchen, dropping the sketchpad on the sofa as he went. He didn’t want Brian waking up and seeing what he was doing. He was scared it would freak him out. The first thing that came to Brian’s mind as he was waking, was the smell of the clean linen on the bed in which he was lying and he couldn’t think where on earth he might be. He could hear the clinking of cups and the running of water and slowly, he lifted his head from the pillows and looked around. Now he remembered this place, it was the loft the blond had brought him back to after the episode in the alley. Having put on the coffee, Justin walked back to the bedroom. “Good Morning”, he said. “How do you feel?” “Better, thanks. I guess I must have been pretty crook last night. I don’t remember you bringing me here at all”, replied Brian. “Yeah, I guess you were”, said Justin. “Coffee won’t be long. You want some breakfast? I can do you some cereal or toast?” he asked. Brian shook his head. “You should eat something”, said Justin. “Why don’t you go and get cleaned up and I’ll put it on. I wouldn’t mind something myself. There’s a robe in the closet you can use”, he said, calling over his shoulder as he made his way back to the kitchen and he heard Brian get out of bed and go into the bathroom. A few minutes later, the toast and coffee were all done. Brian immerged, having taken a shower, as Justin finished laying the table. “Well,” he said, “you do look a helluva lot better than you did last night, that’s for sure”. And as they both sat, he poured out some fruit juice and passed a glass over to Brian. Having pitched into the third slice of toast, Brian looked up to find Justin grinning at him. “Guess I was a lot hungrier than I thought”, he said, sheepishly. “That’s Okay”, said Justin. “There’s more if you want”, but Brian shook his head. Brian reached for a second cup of coffee at the very same instant as Justin, and their hands touched. For a moment, they held each other’s eyes, before the blond let go and stood up. “I’ll check on your things”, he said. “They should be ready by now” and he went over to the radiator where Brian’s clothing had been drying all night. Picking up the clothes, he hadn’t realised that Brian had followed him across the room and was now standing directly behind him and when he turned, he almost walked into him. “Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t see you there”, and he handed him his clothes. Brian took them and smiled. “Thanks”, he said. “I guess I should be going”, and he walked back to the bedroom to dress. Pacing the floor, not daring to look at him, Justin was trying to put together the thoughts going round in his head. He shut his eyes. Being this close to Brian was driving him insane. Now dressed, Brian came back down to the lounge room and over to where Justin was standing. “Thanks for everything”, he said. “You didn’t have to do this and not many guys would’ve”. Glancing down, he saw the sketchpad lying on the sofa. Picking it up, he stared at it for some minutes. “You’re good”, he said finally, passing it to Justin. “Yeah, well, I don’t get to do this much these days” said Justin, as if trying to explain it away as nothing too much out of the ordinary. “Well, I guess I better go. Nikolai’s gonna wonder where the hell I’ve been all night”, said Brian. “What will he do?” asked Justin, but Brian only shrugged. “Look”, said Justin and walked over to the counter and reached into a bowl sitting on the top, “here’s is my number at work and this is my home number and cell phone”, and he picked up a pen, turned the card over, and wrote the numbers on the back. “If ever you need to, you can get me on one of these”, and he held the card out to Brian. Brian took the card and put it in his pocket. “Thanks,” he said, “ but I’ll be fine”, and he walked to the door. “See you around?” he asked, turning back to face him. “Sure”, replied Justin, and Brian smiled and walked out the loft, closing the door behind him. Justin stood in the middle of the floor. He wanted to scream after Brian for him not to leave. He longed to reach out to him, hold him and tell him his life didn’t have to be like this. But he knew Brian probably wouldn’t accept any offers of help unless he was forced to. To be continued. 14 April 04