Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Thanks to Eka for the banner, and the readers for reading and reviewing. Brian’s POV I take a seat on a nearby bench in a deserted park. This park was closed down due to how dangerous the children’s playground equipment turned out to be. So now I come here every now and then when I need to be alone, or when I just need to think. I brought Justin here a few times when we were together. I doubt that he even remembers this place, though. It’s late at night, and I’m sitting outside in the freezing cold. The funny thing is that I don’t even feel it. The only thing that I feel is fear spreading through me. I went to the clinic today, and got tested for HIV/AIDS. There are so many other things that I could have gotten tested for as well, but I just don’t want to think about any of that. Just the thought of having anything wrong with me, makes me even more worried then I was before. What if the guy gave me something? Or what if I got something from Chuck? We fucked a few times, sure. But we were always careful. I always made sure to have condoms with me. But what does it matter if the fucking condom breaks when you’re using it? I swallow hard, trying to get these terrifying thoughts out of my mind. I find out tomorrow if something is wrong with me. The only reason I’m getting my results back so soon, is because I paid double, to make sure things were done quickly. I don’t know what I’ll do if I have anything. Oh God, if I have anything, I’ll have to tell everyone. The thought of having something, and then having to tell the entire family, actually scares me. I’m not ready to die, and even though HIV/AIDS isn’t the death sentence that it once used to be, it still scares the fucking shit out of me. God, what if I have it, and I die before being able to tell Justin that I love him? I do love him, and going to his prom was supposed to show that. But apparently it didn’t, for look at the way things are now. Justin has Ian and is living his happily ever after, while I sit here missing my Sunshine, and wondering if I’m going to die. Why do these things happen to me? Why do I set myself up for this kind of thing? Shit, if I die, I’ll never get to see Gus grow up. I’ll never get to see his first day of middle school or high school, and I’ll never be able to see him get married. Crap, I need a beer. Or ten. I run my fingers through my hair nervously, trying to decide what to do, for each scenario. I just… Fuck, I don’t know what I’m going to do either way. I find myself getting more aggravated and frustrated as the minutes go by. I feel like banging my head repeatedly against the wall, for how stupid I was that night. I know that Debbie must be freaking out by my behavior, but I know that Vic will keep our talk just between the two of us. Hell, he knows that if he told Debbie, then she would go out and broadcast it to everyone. Within the hour, everyone on Liberty Avenue would know what is going on. I run my hands over my face, wondering what the hell I’m going to do. If and when Lindsay and Melanie find out what’s going on, I have no doubt they will try and stop me from seeing Gus. I don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t see my Sonny boy anymore. He’s the only person who truly loves me as I am, and it’s only because he’s a baby. I have the feeling though, that when Gus is older, that they will definitely keep him away from me. Melanie will tell my son lies, that I don’t love him, and Lindsay will let her get away with it like she does everything else. I know that I’m just feeling sorry for myself, so I snap out of my thoughts, and wipe away the tears that had started to fall from my eyes and down my cheeks. I haven’t cried since the bashing, and I really shouldn’t start now. So I quickly compose myself, and try to act like nothing is wrong, when in reality, my whole world could be crumbling before me. I’ve been sitting here for two hours now. I’m pretty sure that it’s still freezing out here, but like earlier, I still can’t feel it. I look down at my arms, and see tons of goose bumps covering both of my arms, but I don’t care. It doesn’t bother me. I wonder how long I’m going to feel this way. Hopefully it won’t be for very long. As I get lost in my thoughts, I feel something start to fall on me. I shake my head to clear my thoughts, only to find that it had started raining and I hadn’t noticed. I look at my clothes, to see that I’m soaked to the bone. It must have been raining for a long time now, but I just never noticed it. Oh well, it’s just clothes. It’s not like they matter anymore. I look up into the sky, and the rain falls down onto my face. I usually wouldn’t keep sitting right here once I was aware that it was raining. But right now, I can’t seem to find it in myself to care. There are so many things that I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to see Gus grow up, and I wanted to see Justin become the best man he could ever be. I wanted to start my own company someday, but I might never get to see any of those things happen, and it makes me sad. I get up and start pacing, and I know that no matter what the outcome is, I have to do something. I have to make some changes, and a lot of them. I’ll have to start with telling everyone how I really feel for a change. I’ll also have to finally make it clear to everyone in the Liberty Diner Gang that they need to stay the fuck out of my business. Every single time something happens, everyone has to butt in, and I nearly kill myself trying to tell them to leave me the fuck alone. I’d probably have to hit all of them with a sledgehammer for the whole crew to get what I’m fucking saying. Well, except for Justin that is. He’s too busy with his lame ass fiddler to worry about, or know what’s going on. I can’t seem to sit still, so I just continue pacing as I think about things. I remember the night that Gus was born, and when Justin first came into my life. I remember giving him the best rim job, and the best fuck of his life. Christ. I need to focus on something else. Shit, I’ll have to call Cynthia and tells her what’s going on, when I get my test results back. I know that she’s wondering why I didn’t go to work yesterday, and why I’m not going in today. Cynthia will probably think that I’ve gone crazy or something. I have. Crazy with worry, that is. I know that she’s going to tear me a new one, when I tell her what’s going on. I flinch as I imagine the scene. Cynthia is almost as scary as Debbie is, when she’s pissed off or worried as hell. I hear the sound of a twig snap, but I don’t bother turning around to see who it is. The only people who usually come out here this late at night, or even in this area at all, are people who are lost, or those other few people that are like me, and like to come here to think about their lives. I feel the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and I quickly turn around to see who has shown up. It’s Justin, fuck. He looks worse than I feel, and I haven’t slept or eaten in almost two weeks, which means that I’m running on empty. Christ. What the hell do I do now? I should have known that my favorite blonde wouldn’t just forget about this place like it was nothing. So I just remain silent. Maybe if I don’t talk to him, Justin will leave quicker. For some reason, now that Justin is around, I’m starting to feel normal again. Well, as normal as I’ll ever feel. I look down at my clothes once more, just now feeling how cold and tired I am. I turn back to Justin though, and I’m worried as hell about the way that he looks. Justin looks like I used to, when my old man would have a few beers in him, and then would kick my ass. Finally I force myself to speak. I understand now, that Justin has come here to be alone just like I have and I know that he’s not going to be leaving anytime soon. So I take a seat on the bench once more, keeping a little space between us, since I’m drenched to the bone, and Justin is still mainly dry. "I’m surprised that you even remember this place. I didn’t think that you would ever actually come here." Justin just shrugs, but doesn’t say anything at first. "So why aren’t you with your hubby? I bet he’s going crazy looking for you." The words are supposed to come out cruel and venomous, but instead they come out softly. When Justin doesn’t reply, I just shrug and shake my head. "Never mind. I hear enough about lover’s spats as it is."