Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Thanks to my beta's Lois and Helen for all there, also to Eka for the beautifuk banner, and to our readers for sticking it out with this hard story. Justin’s POV I walk away with my head held high, wanting nothing more than to run. Run away from the sight of Brian being openly affectionate with someone else. Hell, he was never that affectionate with me. I put their order in and contemplate having someone else cover their table but as I think that, a blankness washes over me as I realize that I did this; I choose to leave him and now he has this other guy and I have Ethan. I go around to some other tables, getting more orders or delivering food until the bell rings signaling that their order is up. I grab it and then go over to their table, my soul as well as my face emotionless. I set their plates down and before I leave, I say the words that all waiters have to say even though I wish I didn’t need to talk to them. “Is that all for now or is there something else I can help you with?” As soon as the words clear my mouth, Gus suddenly realizes it’s me standing there and starts his usual chant for me. “Jussin, Jussin. My Jussin.” He says close to a scream, making several patrons look over at us. I look at Gus and then spare a glance at the two men at the table and Brian looks uncomfortable, not that most people would be able to tell under his mask, and the guy with him looks curious and slightly hostile. I want to slink away from the hostility but I won’t leave Gus hanging like that. “How’s my Gus Man?” I say as I always do when I see him. Gus giggles and we talk for a minute before I excuse myself to go back to work and he let’s me, but not until after a hug. An hour later I watch as the group leaves and I breathe a sigh of relief. I love Brian and Gus but seeing them in any capacity was draining anything I had left in me. And watching Brian laughing and joking with the guy, whose name I learned was Chuck, was like being stabbed repeatedly. What kind of a name is Chuck anyway? I know that is immature but I don’t care. I hate seeing them together. I leave work and once again hurry to Ethan’s to get everything ready as he expects it and hope that all goes well tonight. Ethan comes home much like he had every other night and I immediately moved to do his bidding. When he pushed into me this time I floated away in my mind, the pain receded, although I could still feel it, but in my head I was on a mountain top. The mountain was completely covered in fresh white powder and after looking at it a second, I knew I had been here before. I looked around and realized that I was at the ski resort in Vermont where Brian and I were supposed to go, but I had ended up going alone because he went to Chicago to save his job. Of course Brian being Brian didn’t tell me how important the trip to Chicago was and me being immature didn’t wait for him. I will never understand why I stopped being able to read Brian after the bashing but the ability just disappeared and when it returned, it was too late because I had already left. I’m not sure why it returned but one day at the diner before Ethan made me quit, Brian was there and they were all ragging on Brian about something he had done and I could tell they didn’t understand why he had done it and then it just hit me, I did. I did understand why he did it and that night when I got back to Ethan’s and he was still at practice, I sat down and thought about it and suddenly realized all the times I pushed him because I lost the ability to read him. And looking out over this mountain, I know that this was a huge turning point for us. I had waited here for him, figuring if he cared then he would meet me up here but he never did. When I went home, and the loft will always be home to me, I found Brian fucking a trick even though he knew when I would be coming through the door, because he made the arrangements. It was just Brian trying to say, you didn’t hurt me by leaving without me, see. But I didn’t understand that and it killed me to see that. Standing here looking out into the white nothingness, I feel the change in the air and without looking, I know Brian’s right beside me. I wish this was more than a dream so I sink further into it, not caring if I get lost in it. “I should have followed you.” “I shouldn’t have gone without you.” I feel a pierce of pretty bad pain and it rips its way into my other world and the look on Brian’s face changes from soft to terrified, as I almost fall under the pain that I can’t keep out. “Jus, what’s wrong?” His voice is scared and he pulls me in his arms when I don’t immediately answer. “Please, what’s wrong?” He cries now. The feel of his arms around me feel, as always, like home and I don’t answer still as the pain fades back into the other world where Ethan exists, because this one is before Ethan was a blip on my radar. He was just a guy who played amazing violin but that’s it and I never even thought about him here so he can’t taint it in anyway. I don’t want to voice even to this Brian. A part of my mind still knows it’s fake for this very reason, I don’t want to bring Ethan here, but Brian won’t let it go. “Please Justin, just tell me.” Brian begs. Hearing the pleading in his voice, I know I have no recourse but to tell him everything and so I do but to my confusion, Brian asks again. “Justin, you have to tell me.” “What? Brian, didn’t you hear all the stuff I just told you?” I ask bewildered. “Justin, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me.” Brian says once again, ignoring my words as if I never said them. “Justin, I would never let you go through this alone so you need to tell me.” He says and that’s when I realize that he is not talking about me telling him here but in real life and that knowledge sends me scurrying back to the other world where physical pain is my constant but Ethan deals me less emotional pain than Brian ever could.