Banner by Eka Beta'd by Lois I hold Justin in my arms and although I know I should be mad at him for what he said, I know now that there is a deep reason for it, although I don’t quite know what it is yet. Even though that is probably what I should be thinking about or even the baby growing inside of me, what I’m really thinking about is Justin’s panic attack and the reasons behind it. I might not pay attention to much but even I heard of the kid that got bashed at his senior prom. I remember that I actually watched to see if the kid that it happened to lived and to see what happened when his attacker went to court. Fucking crazy bastard got off with a slap on the wrist, I think community service or something just as outrageous. As jaded as I am it still bothered me that in this day and age, someone could try to kill you and because you’re gay, they could get away with it. Debbie marched and protested, hell she had most of the gang doing it as well for this kid none of us knew. Of course being who I am I wasn’t marching with them but I was proud of the stand they took, even though I knew it wouldn’t do any good. I remember all of this and then look down at Justin’s sleeping face and become enraged to a whole new level that someone would dare to hurt him. I push his beautiful hair out of his face and for the first time, I concentrate on a line I feel under his hairline. I have felt it before and it has never really meant anything to me, I mean everyone has scars, living gives you scars, some visible, some invisible; but now I push his hair back and lean over him to examine this scar and I know. I know that this is the place where the bat hit, the place where hatred almost took him from me before I had even met him, the place where his fears all reside. I feel tears burn at the back of my eyes at all he must have gone though and all he’s going through now. I know he’s sleeping and I really don’t want to disturb him but I can’t help myself and I lean over and kiss his temple right where the scar is, I don’t know why I have to do this but I do. After my lips are on his forehead for a second, I feel his eyelashes tickle my chin and I pull away to look into his eyes and I see sorrow and regret in those beautiful orbs. I know exactly what he is thinking about and I know I shouldn’t, but I need to reassure him about it. “Don’t worry about it, Justin.” “No Bri, I should never have said anything like that.” “It’s what you thought and…” “No Brian, I…” “Don’t lie to me, Justin. It’s what you thought and I understand.” After I say this, I sit up and present Justin with my back because I realize that what I said is completely true. I totally understand why he would not want to have a child with someone like me. My rules make it impossible for me to be anything more than I am…but what if the rules are just old standbys and I don’t feel them anymore? What if even though I had just said them, I don’t believe them? I feel Justin shift behind me and then I feel him encircle me from behind, his legs on either side of mine and his arms around my waist with his face pressed into my back. And I lean back into him accepting the comfort he is offering. I feel his hot breath as he sighs against my back and then the wetness on my shirt from his tears and I notice my face is just as wet. “What do we do?” “That’s the six million dollars question, isn’t it? I don’t know. I just don’t know if I can do all those things. I don’t know if I even want to.” I feel his breath hitch and the tears hitting my back increase and the knowledge that I have hurt him more makes me want to sob but I don’t, although like him my tears pick up. And even though he doesn’t move at all, I feel his withdrawal from me. “Ok, Brian.” “What do you mean by that?” “Brian, I can’t and don’t even want to force you to be someone you’re not or even to do something you don’t want to. So we’ll figure out how to both be fathers to our child and not be together,” “I don’t know if I want that either.” “What do you mean? You don’t want me to be a father to my child cause…” “No. Shit, I would never do that to you.” “Then what? “I’m not sure I don’t want us together.” “What do you mean?” “Well, can’t we be together just without all the other stuff.” “What stuff?” “You know the monogamy and romance and flowers and shit.” Justin is silent for a moment and I think maybe he’s considering doing this the way I want. He pulls his hands up and lays them over my heart and for some reason I grab his hands and lace mine through them. “Brian, I don’t expect flowers and floor picnics from you.” I feel my heart leap, we’re going to be alright. We’ll be able to do this, I can come home to the same guy every night, hell if the guy’s Justin, I do want to come home to him every night. “But I do expect that you be with me. Oh God Brian, I can’t be with someone who is sleeping with other people. I can’t be with someone who I’m not enough for.” “That does not mean that you’re not enough. Justin please understand, they wouldn’t have anything to do with us. It would just be sex with anyone else and we can make it even less personal. Like, like umm, no names and no kissing.” “God Brian, of course that’s what it means. If I was enough to keep you happy, you wouldn’t need to look outside our bed to find pleasure. God, you have already decided, why the hell are we still talking about this? I won’t change my mind and you won’t change yours, so we are just going around in a circle.” Justin gently pulls his hands from mine and although I don’t want to let him go, I do. And then he takes his legs from around me and I feel cold. I feel the bed shift as he makes his way across it and then gets off it and every inch further, he gets away from me the colder I get. I know this is my chance, the one chance I have to change what people perceive me as and redefine myself in anyway I want. I know I only have this chance with Justin but if he walks away now, I will lose that chance. “I want to try.”