Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket I knew this was coming, hell it had to, but it didn’t make me want to do it anymore. Really, all I want to do is ignore the fear and anticipation inside me and just lay in Justin’s arms some more. I am sick, literally, with worry that I could be carrying Justin’s child. I know the first thing I should be worried about are STD’s but truthfully I don’t really worry about that with him. I know people would call me stupid for that, hell I’d call myself stupid for that and have, but I just know I don’t have to worry about that. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m going to be tested but I know I don’t need to, somehow. But I also feel that I do need to worry about a child, like maybe there’s already one growing inside of me. Not that I feel it move or anything, I don’t know, but I’m so sure something is different. God I know, I’m just being paranoid, right? “Brian?” “What?” “I said we needed to talk and you completely zoned out. Were you ignoring me?” “No I…well I don’t want to talk about this, think about this, but I know we have to.” “Brian, I don’t have anything if that’s what you’re worried about.” “Is that what you’re thinking, Justin?” I watch Justin turn his head away for a second and I know he has been thinking the same thing as me. I wonder what he thinks about it, is he angry or upset about it or is he a little happy and scared? I don’t know what I want him to feel, shit I don’t know what I feel, maybe a little of all that, but I know I need Justin to feel favorably about it. “No, I guess that’s not what I’m thinking.” “Well so, what happens? What do you think if we did?” “I don’t know, Brian. I really don’t. Why don’t we just wait until we find out one way or another.” “Ok.” I watch as Justin walks out of the room and I feel a sadness that I don’t know how I will deal with. I know that we are not together but I guess I just hoped that he would at least attempt to be here for me through this. But I guess I should have known. I told him I loved him, I remember that although I have no idea where it came from or even if I do, but it killed me when he ignored it. A Week Later The weird silence between Justin and I has gone on all week. It’s not that we have not said anything to each other but it’s only been necessary comments in monosyllables. I don’t know what to do about the strain between us because there is this huge rift that neither of us has the balls to cross. I have an appointment today at the clinic and I will be going through all the tests including a pregnancy test and everything in me wants to ask him to come but I can’t, I won’t. I know I need him but I don’t know why and I don’t know what to do about it. I get ready for my appointment and wonder who will drive me to this. For the last week whenever I needed to go to something, either Jennifer or Daphne were just ready to take me when I had to go. There was no talking about it, it just happened and everyone refused to acknowledge it, at least to me. I walk out of my room and look towards the door and as I do, I look up to see who is waiting to take me and I almost stop completely when I see who it is. Justin is standing at the door, car keys in hand, waiting for me. Some part of me wants to jump, literally jump for joy and another part resents looking at him after the way he has treated me. I don’t know which I should act on so I just walk to the door and we go out together. In the car the same strained silence surrounds us and again I don’t know what to say or do to fix it. I can’t take the silence anymore cause at least when we weren’t talking at the apartment there was always the noise of someone else there but here, when we’re alone, the silence is deafening. So I go to reach for the knob for the stereo and encounter Justin’s hand instead as he is reaching with the same intention. As soon as our hands touch he turns sharply and looks at me, he then looks down at where our hands are still touching. Instead of pulling his hand as I expected him to, he looks back to the road and grips my hand. I don’t understand what’s happened but I’m once again getting that calming feeling from him and I refuse to let go and lose it once again. “Brian, I’m terrified.” “Why? Do you hate the thought that I could be pregnant by you that bad?” “That’s not it, Brian.” “Then what the fuck is it Justin, because I can’t read your God damn mind?” “I’m afraid of what this means for us, Brian.” “What are you talking about? There is no us.” “That’s precisely the point, Brian. You have some deep seated issues and so do I and both of our problems surround relationships.” “Fuck, just because we’re having a baby doesn’t make us a couple of dykes.” “That’s exactly it, Brian. Do you even believe the shit you’re spouting anymore?” “What the fuck are you talking about? That is who I’m and I’m not going to change for anyone.” “Brian, do you really think that’s what I’m asking you to do? I would never want you to change who you are, but that’s the point here. You think that being in a relationship and acting like it is not being who you are, but it’s just respecting the person you’re with. And you don’t see that and wouldn’t do that, right?” “No, I don’t and I won’t.” “Right.” “So what does that mean? I don’t get the point of this conversation.” “Brian…I pray you’re not pregnant.”