Once again it's my chapter and it's time for our thanks which once again go to Eka for the lovely banners and our beta's without whom none of you who understand a word we wrote hehe and a new thanks to WickiePookie for reminding me about disclaimers and seeing as I'm either too tired or too lasy right now to come up with a new one I'm using my LiveJournal one Disclaimer: I do not own the boys or any other characters from the show, I'm playing with them, but I'll give them back when I'm done. I swear. *smirks* Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket I watch as Justin leaves and I feel a loss, even though I have no idea why I would miss him. I know he’s not quite a normal trick but that’s all he’s is, a trick, isn’t he? I watched Justin leave while ignoring Lindsey’s bitching, but I know I will get to her in a minute. As I watch the door close behind Justin I can’t help but become engrossed in what just happened between the two of us. I let him top me. Hell, by the middle I was begging for it and not only did I go against my nature, but I also got caught doing it. Not to mention the other thing that I know happened. I felt it happen. I felt the wetness when he came, and I know that the condom broke. I feel fear of the consequences that could be the result of this action. Before I can delve into all the things that terrify me about this, I hear Lindsey start to speak again. “Brian, you had better answer my question if you want to see your son.” “Lindsey, don’t fuc…don’t threaten me with my son.” I have to stop myself before I swear, because I don’t ever want to swear in front of my son. I just want to do all I can to be a good father. I stand up and pull my pants on as quickly as I can. As I go to take my son from Lindsay, I notice her staring at my still naked chest. When I go to take Gus from her, she pulls him away, not planning on letting me hold him. “Lindsey, let me hold my son.” I warn in a low voice. “Why should I let you hold him when you still smell like that trick? A trick you let top you. What the fuck did you let him do that for?” “Who I’m with is none of your business Lindsey, and I don’t even know why you care who I fuck or how I fuck.” “Never mind, I’m leaving.” “Lindsey please, I just want to hold Gus for a while.” I watch as she weighs my plea in her mind and then I see a sparkle come into her eyes. I don’t know what that sparkle means, but I know that it’s not good. Lindsey walks toward me and hands me Gus. But I almost don’t want to take him because I’m scared of what she is planning ‘because for some reason I know she is planning something. Even though I’m worried, I grab Gus from her and hold my beautiful boy in my arms. He’s the most gorgeous baby I have ever seen. I look down into the eyes that are so much like my own and I fall even more in love with him. Gus locks eyes with me and I swear he is wearing a smile. It’s little but it’s for me and I find myself never wanting him to be out of my arms. Out of the corner of my eye I see Lindsey looking at me with a very smug look on her face and I finally know what that look is for. I try to ignore this realization, but as I look down at my beautiful son I can’t because I have just realized Lindsey has more power over me than ever before, she can use my son against me. “Hey, Sonnyboy. How’s life treating you?” I look at my son and start to quietly drift away from Lindsey so I can have some time alone, or basically alone with him. Once I reach the windows of the loft I stare down at Gus and start speaking to him in hushed tones, hoping not to be overheard. “Hey baby boy I want to tell you some things, promise you some things. I will always be there for you little man. I will do everything I can to make sure you have everything you could ever want or need. I also promise your childhood will be nothing like mine.” There is so much more I want to say, but I see Lindsey creeping closer and I don’t want her to know just how vulnerable I am about Gus. When she reaches us she takes Gus out of my arms and I already feel the loss of his unconditional love and the warmth of his tiny body against mine. “Ok, we have to go. I just wanted you to see Gus, but remember: I don’t want tricks here when I bring Gus over.” “Well if you had called before you came, I could have had Justin out of here.” “You know his name? You never know the name of your tricks.” “It’s a long story Lindsey and not really your business so butt out.” I can tell that she isn’t happy with what I said, but that she really can’t say anything about it so she just walks out of the door in a huff and I stare after her, somewhat afraid of this new attitude of hers, but I can’t really do anything about it so I shrug and hope she doesn’t do anything either of us will regret. After a few minutes of brooding over Lindsey and my beautiful little boy my mind wanders to Justin and I wonder what he is doing and my fear of what happened earlier comes back full force. I am so afraid of so many things. First I guess I will have to get tested for STD’s and God, I will have to make sure I’m not pregnant. I can’t believe as a man I actually have to worry about that, but about ten years ago men started to get pregnant and the doctors and scientists could only say it was do to pollution and they can’t even stop it. There is no birth control yet for men and no getting fixed or having an abortion, because of the way the baby sits on a couple organs. I have never had to think about getting pregnant since I haven’t bottomed since high school. It only started happening after that, just after that, but after in none the less. Not wanting to get pregnant is one of the reasons that I don’t bottom, not the only reason, but it does factor in the decision. I have no idea why I bottomed for Justin, but now I’m sorry I did. Well maybe not entirely.