Chapter 7 Ascension (reality) Night time. Justin is lying in bed in pain. His big pillows lie comfortably under him. He’s weak, his eyes closed, unable to open them. “It’s time.” The nurse tells her. Hazel is kneeling beside his bed, her cheeks wet from tears. She has long straight hair that falls past the middle of her back. Hazel is now seventeen. She’s wearing a soft, white, cotton dress that reaches her knees, under which she has dark blue jeans. She’s tall, lean and beautiful. Hazel is holding her father’s hand tightly. He looks so young, too young to die. Her beautiful, big, hazel eyes are red and puffy from crying. “Justin, is there anyone you’d like me to call?” Debbie asks him, her heart breaking as she asks this question. He thinks. Nick’s phone number. Daphne. Brian? He still remembers his phone number from fifteen years ago. It’s been a long time. Too long. (memory) Justin’s kneeling down by his bed. Hazel is sleeping. He lays his head back down and clasps his hands, palm to palm. “Dear God.” he whispers. “I don’t want to be sick. Please, I’ll do anything you want. Make me well so that Hazel won’t have to go through this.” He wipes his cheek with the edge of his thumb. “Take care of her. I don’t want her life to be miserable. She needs someone good, like Brian. Brian, if only you knew how much she loves you. She’s never met you and yet she seems to love you unconditionally. And she’s so smart Brian. There’s so much I have to tell you. If only you could see her, you’d fall in love with her immediately.” Justin talks to Brian as if he’s writing in his personal journal. “Hazel looks more like you than me, isn’t that strange? Maybe not, since she’s your daughter too. And she’s so pretty, Brian. I look in her eyes and see you. I can see you in my baby’s eyes.” Justin sniffs. “I wish you could be here. I really miss you.” He takes a moment to pause. “Amen.” (reality) Justin’s breathing weakens. His upper body is slightly propped on big pillows. Nick’s kneeling by the low, double-sized bed, with Justin’s hand gently in his. His wife is consoling him by caressing his shoulders. Daphne is softly sobbing on a satin chair in the corner of the room, holding a cushion tightly to her chest and crossing her legs. The nurse watches the scene in silence, her heart tied in a knot and she leaves the room. Hazel is kneeling on the opposite side from Nick and his wife. Her head is resting on Justin’s hip bone, while one of her hands is entwined with Justin’s. The back of his hand is inches from her warm lips so she can kiss his skin. Justin can still faintly hear every whisper and every sob. Hazel walks around the bed towards Nikko and hugs him tightly. He takes Justin’s crying daughter in his arms, willing to hold her as long as she needs to be held. Justin licks his lips and swallows, unable to speak. The bedroom door cracks as someone pushes it open slowly. Brian walks inside. He looks like he just ran for hours. He is trying to catch his breath, messy and dirty, wearing ripped jeans, a simple black shirt under a coat and dark Levis boots. Nikko takes Hazel in his arms; he nods towards his long-time friend as he leaves the room, followed by Daphne and Rachel. Hazel’s eyes are filled with tears, unable to see. Brian steps closer, his eyes never leaving the sight of Justin’s motionless body, eyes closed. He swallows hard; his face looks worried and shocked. The door closes. Brian kneels by Justin’s bed, placing his arms onto the mattress. He takes Justin’s hand in his. “Justin, it’s me Brian.” he whispers in a shaky voice. Justin opens his eyes slightly and tilts his heads to his left. He sees Brian kneeling by his side, holding his hand. “You an angel?” he mumbles, barely able to speak out loud. “Hardly.” Brian whispers. It shows in his voice that he’s happy that Justin’s talking to him. He reaches his hand over and caresses the side of Justin’s cheek. He leans over and presses a gentle kiss to Justin’s lips. Justin closes his eyes as their lips meet, feeling soft and warm. “I’m sorry I’m too late,” Brian pulls away to say, staying still, only inches away from Justin’s face. Brian looks up into Justin’s teary, blue eyes. He sits back on the carpet and leans against the edge of the bed, securely holding Justin’s hand in his. “I’m dying, Brian. You know that.”Justin says softly. Brian smiles in discomfort and bites his lips inwards, trying to stop the tears that are threatening to spill. “There’s something I wish I could tell you…” Justin’s voice is faint. His eyes close slowly. Brian’s face still expresses no emotion but tears roll down his cheeks as he weeps silently. He sobs softly and clenches his fist around the duvets, holding Justin’s hand tighter. “Brian?” Justin says seeming breathless. “What is it?” He looks into Brian’s red-rimmed, hazel eyes. “Shhhh, nothing.” Brian whispers and runs a hand on Justin’s arm. “Nothing.” “Brian, hold me.” Justin says weakly. Brian sits on the edge of the bed and carefully wraps his arms around Justin’s upper body. Justin puts his arms around Brian’s waist with as much strength as he has and leans his chin on Brian’s shoulder. Justin closes his eyes and feels Brian’s touch and comfort. “I think I’ll rest for a minute, I… I’m really tired.” Brian nods and lays Justin back on the pillows. He takes Justin’s hand and places it on his own thigh, close enough to stroke it. Brian kneels on the carpet and watches Justin silently. He rests his head on Justin’s lean waist. Justin thinks hard about the most overwhelming moment in his short life. He doesn’t know if he should regret this and see it as a mistake or think of it as the best thing that ever happened to him. In his mind, he sees Brian, wearing what he had worn the first time he set eyes on him; dark jeans riding low on his hips and a tight-fitting black shirt. Brian stares, looking so fucking young and beautiful. It slowly fades away to black. For a long timeless moment, Brian murmurs words to him and gently places many soft kisses on the inner side of Justin’s wrist. Brian looks up. He sees large snowflakes falling outside. It’s beautiful, with the grey-mauve night sky and glowing orange lamppost illuminating the white snow-covered garden. The sight makes him slightly crook a smile in the corner of his lips. “Justin.” Brian softly whispers. “Justin… wake up.” Brian gently shakes Justin’s limp hand in his. The small smile Brian had on his face slowly fades away. “Justin.” Small tears fall down on Justin’s skin from Brian’s puffy eyes. “God. No.” he whimpers. Brian leans on Justin’s hip bone and intertwines his fingers with Justin’s. He stays there for hours, motionless, only the faint sound of his own heartbeat resounds in his ears. He whispers soothing words to him as though Justin is asleep and there’s a chance he can still hear him. He is slowly falling asleep, wishing he could somehow join Justin in that same peaceful sleep. He wakens when he feels a hand gently nudging his shoulder. Brian looks up to see Nick. “Hey, man.” Nick’s voice is breaking. Nick pulls up a chair and sits. “You have a moment?” Brian doesn’t answer but he listens as he stares blankly at Justin’s angelic face that is turned towards him. “He told me he saw you perform in New York.” Nikko says, trying to make a point. Brian doesn’t react. “Brian.” Nick pauses. “Justin got pregnant after that night.” “What? Are you serious, I mean…” Brian looks up, his eyes wide in shock. “He had a daughter.” Nikko tells calmly. He watches him in disbelief for a brief moment. “For fuck’s sake, he…” Brian looks down at Justin’s hand in his. “Brian, he tried reaching you but then he heard that you got married and had a son. So I think he thought you wouldn’t want to be with him but that you’d only feel obligated.” “I would have wanted to, you know.” Brian tells softly. “I know.” The room falls silent for a moment. “Her name’s Hazel.” Nick pauses as he stands and heads to leave the bedroom. “She’s downstairs, just so you know.” He leaves so Brian can be alone. Brian doesn’t speak and nods. His eyes aren’t blinking until they rest on Justin. Brian unwillingly stands. He leans over Justin and presses a kiss on his lips that are turning cold. He brings Justin’s hand against his mouth. “I love you so much.” He leaves one last parting kiss on the back of Justin’s hand , holding it tightly until Justin’s skin turns white. Brian steps out the house. His eyes are puffy and red-rimmed. Nikko is with his wife, smoking, staying beside Daphne who’s sitting in silence. In the cold, white, winter snow, sitting on the porch’s third step is Hazel with an acoustic guitar in her hand. Brian steps closer to the tall, brown-haired young girl. She’s isolated in her own little world. She too has red-rimmed eyes with dried tears on her cheeks. “Hey.” Brian says softly, his voice breaking from crying. He sits on the porch with her. “Hey.” She whispers back, playing the notes written in her head on her guitar. He listens to her play. He stares without her noticing, not believing that this is his and Justin’s daughter. “Hazel.” He whispers very quietly to himself so she can’t hear him over the sounds of her fingers hitting the guitar strings. “You’re pretty good, where did you learn to play like that?” “I taught myself.” Her face remains expressionless like her father’s. “You want to play?” She hands him her guitar. Brian takes the guitar and plays for her. It makes her smile. He sings the lyrics of “Carry You Home” by James Blunt in his head. Maybe he’ll sing it out aloud another time. They both look so much alike, both same dark-brown hair, lean body, tanned skin and hazel-golden eyes. “Will you miss him now that he’s gone?” She asks softly. “I never stopped.” Brian answers, biting his bottom lip as he strums on the strings of Hazel’s guitar. 'Under the stars and stripes, as strong as you were, tender you go, I'm watching you breathing, for the last time, a song for your heart, but when it is quiet, I know what it means and I'll carry you home.'