Chapter 4 The Actor (reality) Brian’s words resound in Justin’s mind as his thoughts come back to reality. “You’re safe with me.” Justin always regretted leaving Brian, he was so young then… As he wakes up, Justin’s mouth is dry. He leans over to take gulps of water. He coughs deep in his throat. The box he had placed on his lap has tipped to the side while he coughed and is now open with some pictures and objects fallen onto the bed. Justin grabs it from the edge of the bed so it doesn’t fall down. He must have fallen asleep without noticing. The lamps are still turned on. He puts the pictures neatly back inside the box and closes it, then places it beside his pile of books on the table. He leans over to grab the oxygen mask that’s hanging on a metal pole by his bedstead. Justin puts it against his mouth and breathes into it until his breathing is stable. Knock, knock on the door. The nurse comes in silently, wearing her usual nurses’ gown. He sits up and shakes slightly, lacking strength. He smiles when she smiles politely at him. “How are you this morning, Justin?” “I’m weak and I think I’m going to throw up.” Justin says annoyed. “I feel great.” She pats the pillows for him. “Do you need anything; is there anything I can do?” she asks him as she touches his sweating forehead. “Sunshine, you’re heating up again.” She pats a cold, wet cloth on his forehead. She sits on his bed and cools down the heat on his face and neck. Justin’s head tilts to the side as he’s being taken care of. He looks towards the open bedroom door. There’s a light coming from the hallway. His imagination plays tricks on him. A tall, dark man slowly walks closer like a ghost. Brian, looking so young and well, has a guitar case strapped around his chest, worn-out jeans riding low on his hips and a sexy smirk on his beautiful, red lips. Brian’s leaning against the doorframe, staring straight at Justin for a moment. He blinks and bites his bottom lip, then steps backwards, turning around. The image of Brian glances in Justin’s direction before slowly fading away, out of Justin’s imagination. Justin bites his bottom lip suddenly feeling the urge to cry. But he hides his feelings so Debbie doesn’t see him cry and think he’s weak. She brushes his strands of hair away and hands him a little, white pill. He swallows it hard without water. A tear falls from his eye unwillingly. “Honey, why are you crying?” She asks him worried. “It’s my bones, they’re aching.” He lies. (memory, two months after the wedding) The rain is pouring down hard. It’s so dark you can’t see in front of you. All he hears is the rain hitting the cars on the streets as they drive through puddles of dirty water and his own panting under his thin, grey, damp sweater. Justin walks quickly; his portfolio strapped on his shoulder, praying to God that none of his work will be damaged. He turns around the corner, his head lowered. “Justin?” he hears his name spoken softly. He looks up and sees Brian standing motionless in front of him. He’s soaked, with a guitar case peeking from behind his back, his hair longer and plastered to his face by the rain. “Brian.” Justin says in an imitating tone. “How have you been doing?” Brian says, as they both step closer. His lips and his chin are dripping with raindrops. He’s been waiting for a cab. “I’ve been good.” Justin nods. “Good.” “You?” “Oh, me too. I’ve been great.” “Uh, I’m moving to New York.” Justin tries to break the awkward tension. “I got an offer in a gallery. You know, it’s nothing big but it’s a start.” “Of course, well I’m glad for you Justin.” Brian smiles. “I’m in a band. We’re travelling here and there, you know.” “Nice, that’s great.” Justin bites his lips. He smiles nervously.”Well, I’m so glad for you. You look great.” “You too. Uh… I have something to tell you.” Brian leans closer. “I’ve been thinking about you.” He pauses. “Every night.” Justin looks into Brian’s hazel eyes and bites his bottom lip to stop the tears that are forming in his eyes. One falls but it looks as though it’s a raindrop. “Well, come and see me in New York. If you ever come by.” He glances to the side. “Sure.”They look at each other for a moment, but get distracted when Brian’s cab honks its horn. “It’s nice seeing you.” “You too, Brian.” Justin says, fighting himself to say something more but can’t. “Later.” Brian says and hesitates to extend his hand towards Justin. “Bye.” Justin shakes his hand. He watches Brian walk away this time and watches him look back before getting in his cab. “Later.” Justin whispers. (memory, five months later in New York) Justin’s rushing along the sidewalks in downtown New York. He has to look twice to make sure when he sees Brian walk down the other side of the street between the crowds of people. Brian doesn’t notice Justin. He has his guitar case over his shoulder like the last time, looking down, not minding anything. “Brian.” Justin whispers under his breath. Justin crosses the road, his hands in his pockets and coat on. Keeping his eye on Brian; he walks quickly towards him, passing by people. Brian gets out of Justin’s sight when he goes down the stairs leading to the underground Subway. Justin stops still on the sidewalk and searches for the tall, dark man but he’s out of luck. (memory, six months later) One cold summer night, Justin goes into a bar in New York. He moves towards the bar and sits down, ordering a drink. The people there are cold and rude. Justin attempts to smile when he receives his drink and sips it slowly like he has for the past few nights. It reads 10:07pm on his watch. He exhales loudly as he leans against the counter, his hair falling to hide his sad, tired eyes. His hair is dirty and unwashed because Justin doesn’t care anymore. Out of the corner of his eye he sees an actor he once saw in a play off-Broadway. He looks as miserable as Justin, with the same blue eyes and the same unkempt, blonde hair. Justin glances his way and shows a small smile. The actor doesn’t smile but looks his way. For a moment Justin had forgotten that people were so cold and unfriendly in New York. Then the actor looks behind Justin and smiles broadly when he sees someone walking past Justin. He’s tall, slightly unshaved and dark, quite like Brian. Justin hadn’t stopped thinking about Brian. The tall man wraps his arms around the blond actor and kisses his lips tenderly, placing his hands on the younger man’s neck as he does. It’s like he can’t stop touching his lover because it’s been so long since they’ve seen each other. Justin leans his chin back down onto his hands and watches them discreetly. The dark one whispers something inside the blonde’s ear, it makes him laugh. Their fingers are interlaced, tangling with each others hands. Justin sees a tattoo on the inner side of the dark man’s middle finger, though he can’t read the word. They’re kissing. It’s beautiful to watch the chemistry between them, Justin thinks. Just when Justin’s mindlessly looking at the lovers, he hears someone singing on stage. He focuses behind them towards the stage and sees Brian singing. He can’t stop staring; he can’t move either, like he’d just turned to stone. Justin’s breaths are deep and nervous like his heart’s about to go up into his throat. Brian’s breathtaking; a single spotlight illuminates him and his guitar from above the stage. His voice is soft and hoarse. He sings “Yellow” as made famous by Coldplay. He’s wearing a dark red shirt and tight-fitting dark jeans; his face hasn’t been shaved for a week or so. He plays on his guitar like he’s played all his life. The guys from his made-up band play the keyboard and the drums and one guy plays an electric guitar. There are four musicians in the band but Brian steals the scene. Justin swallows hard, his hands are shaking. He stands and walks past the lovers who are whispering softly to one another. He stands along the walk, closer to the stage but stays in the shadows so Brian doesn’t see him. Not now. He needs to look at him this way, to see this side of Brian. Justin puts his hands in his pockets and looks straight at Brian, admiring his dark beauty. “Look at the stars. Look how they shine for you.” Brian sings. “You are the things that you do.” He bites his bottom lip when he pulls the last string and gets up from the stool he’d been sitting on. The people in the bar, the ones that are not too drunk, applaud. Brian looks around his audience as he pulls the strap of his guitar over his head when his eyes land on the blonde staring straight at him in the shadows of the stage, Brian’s heart skips a beat. He places his guitar in its’ case when he’s stopped by the manager who walks up to him to hand him his pay for the night. Brian puts the money in his back pocket. Slowly he goes to Justin and edges closer and closer to him until a few inches separate them. It’s not awkward this time, not like when they had first seen each other in the pouring rain. “Hey.” Justin says first, letting out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Hey.” Brian whispers very softly. They sit together at a table. There’s a small lamp lit like a candle on the far side of the table. They talk for a long time. “I’m well. Could be better but I like it for now.” Brian says. “I’m singing on stage now, as you can see.” He smirks and leans a little closer. “You?” “I have some of my art hanging in different galleries in Manhattan and in Brooklyn.” Justin tells him. “Do you have a family?” Brian asks. “No.” Justin says. “Do you?” “No.” Brian’s voice is starting to get hoarse. He drums his fingers on the table. “You wanna get out of here?” The air’s cold, it smells of a bittersweet nothing. As they walk onto the sidewalk, Brian takes Justin’s hand in his, pulling him into a darkened alley. Justin follows him; he’d follow him anywhere on this earth. Brian stops and turns, facing Justin. They stare at each other. Brian leans closer and closer, pressing against Justin until he hits the brick wall. His lean body presses up against Justin, their lips not yet touching, then just barely. Brian rubs the bulge in of his jeans against Justin’s hardening cock. With their erections pressing hard in their jeans, almost hurting Brian hesitatingly kisses Justin. He deepens the kiss against Brian’s wet lips, their tongues caressing, their eyes closed, chest against chest, the fabric of their shirts in-between their heating bodies. Justin slips his cold fingers under Brian’s shirt, seeking tender skin he had yearned to touch for so long. Brian tells him, against his ear, that he doesn’t have a condom. Justin says he doesn’t care. He lowers his hand down Brian’s jeans. Brian gasps, closing his eyes in ecstasy when Justin’s hand finds his erect cock. Brian pulls away slowly and grabs Justin’s hand. They head towards Brian’s car that’s parked nearby, behind the shadows of the bar. It’s intense, loving and eager. Brian’s on top of Justin in the back seat of his Jeep. Panting and breathing heavily. Scruffy beard against smooth cheeks. There’s heavy fog descending on the windows and it’s dark, just like the first time. Their skin, their lips and their hands, touching every possible place there is to touch. Unprotected. Justin wakes up, feeling Brian’s heavier body on top of him. He doesn’t mind. He wakens Brian by shaking him slightly. “Bri?” Brian mumbles something. “Listen.” Justin whispers close to his ear. Brian lifts his head and looks into Justin’s eyes. “I have to go, I have a bus to catch.” he tells him nervously. Justin attempts to quickly get dress while kneeling over Brian. “Let me drive you.” Brian says to try to make him to stay for a while longer. “No, it’s okay. I’ll take a cab.” Justin says in a low voice. “You sure?” Brian tries; he scrapes his hair backwards as he tries to think of a way. Justin puts on a burgundy sweater. “Yeah.” He says as he stops moving above Brian. He leans over slowly and kisses Brian gently. He gets out of the car, without noticing that he left the door open. “Justin.” Brian calls out loudly, his voice shaking and unsure. He turns around. Brian’s standing outside his car, wearing loose jeans, undone, shirtless. His feet are bare in cold puddles of water. His hair and neck are moistened with sweat. His hands are nervously rubbing against his stomach and happy trail as they stare at each other. He swallows and steps forwards in fast strides. He grips hold of Justin’s wrist and pulls him in a deep, strong kiss, taking everything they can. Justin puts his hands on Brian’s neck and tangles his fingers in his hair. Brian takes the back of Justin’s shoulders and pulls him onto the tips of his toes. They’re shivering and shaking, devouring each other’s mouths passionately. Justin’s eyes lower to Brian’s chest for a moment, standing inches from him. “Later.” He whispers breathlessly. “How can you tell?” Brian whispers sadly, not wanting it to show.