The Christmas Eves Prologue: December 24, 2008 Brian was coming out of Wong’s Take-Out when he ran into a person he wanted to turn and run away from. But the surprise kept him motionless so he stood there, hands trembling, heart beating wildly, snow falling steadily cool onto his flushing face, “Hey Mikey,” he finally managed to get out of his mouth. He hoped like hell that the quiver in his voice was only noticeable to him. Mikey looked at him speculatively, looking him over from head to toe before giving Brian a small smile, “Hey, um, how are you?” his words were rushed and he gasped and blushed as soon as he said them. Brian was tired. He’d been tired for a year now. Constantly. He just wanted to go back to the loft and pretend that everything in his life was perfectly fine. Just as he’d been doing for the last year. He was only tired, that was all that was the matter in his life. He was just starting to turn away when he felt a hand touch his arm, trying to stop him. He jerked roughly away and glared at Mikey, “Fuck off!” he spat. He really didn’t like being touched. Not anymore. Especially not when he was tired. Michael looked at him with tears springing to his eyes, “No. Brian please. It’s been so long since we’ve even talked.” Brian softened his gaze for a second before his eyes turned into cold brown, “Go home to your family Michael.” “They’re your family too Brian,” Michael started to walk in step beside Brian. Brian was doing his best to block out what it was Michael was saying to him but at the same time, a small part of him wanted someone else to accept that this day was not filled with holiday cheer for everyone. It never would be for him, never again. “I miss you, we all miss you,” Michael pleaded, “please come and stop by the house tonight for Christmas Eve dinner.” Brian wanted to say yes. He wanted the comfort of that family but he couldn’t allow himself to accept the invitation. He was relieved when he reached his ‘Vette. “I love you Brian,” Michael said. Brian looked over at his friend and pushed him away from him. Michael slid on the snowy sidewalk a bit and looked over at him, completely defeated. Brian got into his car and started the ignition and pulled out before Michael could think about hopping in beside him. The Chinese food started to smell up his car and he felt his stomach start to rumble. He’d be home soon. Brian tried not to think about, well, everything. But images still passed through his brain of course. He should have known better than to think he would be spared the pain and suffering through the memories of today. “Son of a bitch!” he yelled out into the interior of his car. He had just missed the exit for the turn off for the loft. “Fuck!” Brian pulled off at the next exit. He would have to turn around there. But when he pulled off and was getting ready to turn around the site that came into view on the right was the last thing he wanted to see. Brian felt something pulling him in that direction. He fought with his mind but somehow insanity won out and he was pulling into to the entrance of Rose Wood Cemetery. He drove up the snowy paved road that ran in the middle of the two grassy tombstone areas of the small cemetery. He’d never been there before, but he seemed to find the large marble angel he was told the plots were under easily. It was nearly dark, but, the angel glistened and seemed to glow from the wet snow hitting and sliding off of it’s curves. Brian sat in the vette for a few moments. Once again he fought with his mind, wondering if he should indeed get out of the car. He wasn’t sure he could handle it, but he couldn’t deny the feeling that something, or probably more accurately, someone had led him there. He left the ignition going and climbed out of his car slowly. The wind hit him and chilled him to the bone as he started walking up towards the statue. He walked around graves that had wreathes and little Christmas trees or flowers on or around them. He suddenly felt horrible for not having a gifts of his own to offer, but then realized that he hadn’t even known he was coming here. He stopped in his tracks when he read the name on the largest of the three headstones. It was in the middle and carved into it with huge letters it said, KINNEY. Brian noticed that there were fresh flowers laid on all three of them and various footprints in the snow around them. The family had probably been out there that day. Snow had built up and covered a lot of the writing on the stones so he dropped to his knees and brushed it off of the left one first. Reaghan Taylor Kinney. The middle one came next. Justin Taylor Kinney. The one on the right. Zaira Taylor Kinney. He also read through the small inscriptions that listed them as brother, son, husband, father, sister, and son. At first he just stared at the words as if he didn’t recognize them. But his heart overpowered his mind and he couldn’t hide anymore. The names etched into the tombstones were real. Real names that belonged to people that he refused to recognize the entire last year of what was left of his life. Brian felt himself start to shake from the inside. He suddenly had the very real urge to scream. Scream like he had done the night he’d gotten the phone call from Debbie. He fought it all back and decided that he would talk, just talk to them. He didn’t know if they could hear him, or even wanted to after the way he’d behaved. But he needed to talk to someone and he’d always been able to talk to his husband about everything. “I’m sorry I didn’t bring you any flowers,” he started. “I didn’t know I was coming here though. I.. I never could. I didn’t even mean to today but I think you were leading me here,” Brian spoke looked at Justin’s name spelled out and focused on that as he talked. “Do you know how much I miss you?” he asked. “No, I guess you don’t. You see, I’ve been pretending Justin. I’ve been pretending that you and the kids have been visiting your mom in Colorado this whole time. But I guess you aren’t coming back. Are you?” Brian shifted around on the cold snowy ground and started to cry into his hands, “I am so sorry. I know that you’ll never forgive me. I know that. But I am. If only I’d have listened to you and met you at Deb’s like I should have you… you wouldn’t be… dead.” Brian crawled towards his son’s stone and kissed it, “I love you Reaghan. I’m sure Daddy is taking care of you but I still want you to keep an eye out on your big sister and him too. You always made me very proud and I’m so sorry that I missed your play at school. I shouldn’t have missed it.” Brian pressed his face to the stone briefly before crawling over to his daughter’s. “Zaira, my little princess. I miss you. I miss all of you every single second of each day. Daddy is going crazy without you around to bug him. I’m sorry I missed your recital too. I want you to know that I will always love you. Take care of Daddy and your little brother for me.” He then kissed that marker before going back to Justin’s. “This won’t be the last time I come here. I promise you. You knew when I married you what a selfish asshole I really am right?” he scoffed through his hiccupping cries. “I love you Justin. You will always be my husband,” Brian brushed back his hair that was plastered to his face from the snow and wiped at his eyes. “I don’t know if you have any pull up there Sunshine, but if you and the kids came back to me I’d do anything. I’d be the husband you deserve and the father the kids deserve. I promise you. I’ll never miss a dinner with you ever again.” Brian lost all control and let every painful thing inside him out. He had never accepted that his family and children were really gone until the moment he saw their graves. That was why he had stayed away from them and every one that had known them. He hadn’t wanted anyone to tell him the truth. But now, he had to deal with it. Brian was nearly frozen to death when he finally got up to leave. He drove the ’Vette in the direction of the place he hadn’t been to in exactly one year. His home. Britin. The snow was coming down pretty hard on the windshield and Brian was relieved to turn down the street his home was on. As he went past the houses he noticed that there was Christmas lights on every house on the street. Even his. But, how was that possible? Brian crept up the snowy driveway. The whole house looked the same and there was even lights on inside the house. He could see the Christmas tree was on in the great room. But no one had been there. Or, or maybe it had all been a nightmare. Maybe the last year hadn’t happened. Brian turned off the car and walked as quickly as he could to the door and quickly opened it. “Justin! Sonny-boy, Princess!” Brian called as he closed the door and ran quickly into the great room. All of the ornaments were on the tree and there was still the same presents on the tree! “Hey, Daddy’s home!” he yelled going out into the hall and going into the kitchen. The Christmas cookies Justin and the kids had made were sitting on the counter in the Tupperware containers still. He went out of the kitchen and ran up the stairs and into the hallway, almost tripping over one of Reaghan’s matchbox cars as he went, “Hello, can’t anyone hear me?” he asked opening the door to Reaghan’s room only to find it dark and empty. Brian’s heart hammered in his chest as he flipped on the light and that’s when he noticed that the room was covered in dust. “No.” he whispered, running out and going across the hall to Zaira’s room. “Zaira!” he called opening the door and finding the room just as dust covered and stale as her brothers. “No!” he yelled and ran up the hall to the master bedroom! “Justin!” he placed his hand to the door knob, but he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bring himself to open the door. It had been real! They all died! Brian ran back downstairs, feeling the chill in his clothes as he looked closer at the great room. The tree, the ornaments, the lights, it was all covered in dust. He remembered that he had kept paying all the bills at the house and that was why everything had still gone on to the date and times he’d set the timers to for every year. He walked over to the mantle and looked at the photographs of the kids. He and Justin had taken to photography and had many of the kids pictures from over the years sitting on the mantle. He remembered that there was a couple of the large albums sitting on the bookcase and went to get them. He then, took a deep breath and headed upstairs. As scary as it was, he knew that he needed to go into the master bedroom to look at them. It had been the last place he’d been with his entire family. He couldn’t ignore what they meant to him any longer. TBC