My Only Critic
Chapter 11 
Lament 
Witch: This is the world I meant. Couldn't you listen? Couldn't you stay content, Safe behind walls As I could not.. Now you know what's out there in the world. No one can prepare you for the world. Even I.. How could I, who loved you as you were, How could I have shielded you from her, Or them? No matter what you say,-= From INTO THE WOODS

Cynthia knocked on Brian’s office door. When she didn’t receive a response she opened it slowly. She looked around and realized that he wasn’t at his desk and at the same time her ears detected the sound of water running.
“Brian?” She called out and knocked on the bathroom door. Again she received no response and a chill ran along her spine. She was debating on her next move when the door popped open and Brian stood before her looking more than a little dishevelled. 
“What?” Brian asked gruffly. The skin beneath his eyes was dark from lack of sleep and increased stress. 
“I just wanted to let you know that it’s almost three. I called O’Hare and Justin’s plane is scheduled to land on time. That’s less than an hour from now.”
Brian sighed and brushed past her. “I think I can tell time.” 
He went over to his desk and started to put away the proofs he’d taken for this weeks column. Pictures of another up and coming Chicago artist, Jane Sweeny, and her work. She worked mostly in chalks and pastels, a lot lighter than the things Brian normally liked, but it was all part of his job. 
When he looked up he saw Cynthia standing with her hands on her slim hips staring at him with an evil expression she usually didn’t direct towards him. Her foot tapped on the floor and that made Brian automatically start to sweat and his stomach turned. 
The raw feeling of un-dissolved bread choked him as it came up and splashed down into the toilet. Memories of pointy toed shoes on linoleum aided in the disaster. He breathed deeply in and out, in and out, and finally when he was sure he could stand he allowed Cynthia to help him up off of the tiled bathroom floor and went willingly into her arms.
“Oh Brian. It’s going to be alright.” Cynthia rubbed the apparently stronger man’s back.
Brian shook his head and backed away from her. “How can you say that?” He croaked and backed up to slump against the sinks’ countertop.
Cynthia approached him slowly and took his shaking clammy hand in hers. “Justin loves you and you love him.” She squeezed his hand but he let go of hers.
“If it were only that simple?” Brian muttered and rubbed at his face with his hands. “You know it’s not.” He said. His reddened eyes looked into Cynthia’s blues, begging to be told differently. His brain however knew that it clearly wasn’t.
“I just have faith Brian.” Cynthia sighed.
Brian scoffed at her and turned around to the sink. He started to run the hot water and wash his hands methodically.
“I really think you could be a wonderful father.” She continued. “If you’d only give it a chance.” 
Brian looked at Cynthia in the mirror. He held up his intently lathered hands and shook them, flinging the bubbles onto the mirror. “Look at me!”
Cynthia stepped up behind him and rested her hand on his shoulder.
“I’m a fucking mess.” He hissed. “What happens if one of the babies shits through it’s diaper on me and I have a fucking panic attack while holding it?” Brian rinsed his hands off and started to pat them dry, getting into each and every crevice of his hand.
“Then you could set him down and call for Justin.” Cynthia said softly, not really knowing what to say.
Brian laughed heartily but there was no joy in it. “What if I throw it across the room because I suddenly have a flash back of my father doing the same thing to me?” He asked and turned to leave the bathroom.
Cynthia ran behind him into the other room. “You’d do no such thing Brian!” She screamed, terrified that her kind loving best friend would ever think he was capable of doing something so monstrous. “You’ve never been violent before!”
Brian grabbed his suit coat and put it on; he slowly turned to face Cynthia. “Haven’t I?” He said in almost a whisper. His eyebrow raised and his eyes seemed too dark into a black.
Cynthia could feel tears fall down her face. She shook her head, “No, Brian. That wasn’t your fault and you know it!”
Brian reached out to touch Cynthia’s face, but she backed away from him slightly out of reach. “Brian….” She whispered.
“I may know it, but you don’t! Do you Cynthia? You’ll never forget that day and neither will I. There’s no point in denying that what I did hurt you.”
“But that wasn’t you!” The blonde woman cried. “You didn’t mean…”
“I didn’t mean to break your jaw, you’re right about that. I’m sure whoever I was in those moments, I meant to kill you!”
“No! Brian!” Cynthia took a step forward but Brian backed away.
“I love you Cynthia; god knows I do and did then. But that didn’t stop me did it?” Brian asked sadly. 
Cynthia wiped away her tears and then threw herself into Brian’s body. She wrapped her arms around him. “That wasn’t your fault Brian. I shouldn’t have done what I did, I scared you and you didn’t even know it was me. You thought I was going to hurt you!” She cried.
Brian tried to disengage himself from his friend but he couldn’t. Cynthia’s arms had always felt like home to him, and he allowed himself that comfort. “Cynthia. I’m sorry.” Brian said. “I’m really, really sorry.”
“Brian, that was so long ago. I forgave you a long, long time ago.” She spoke into his chest.
“What if I do something to him? To them?” Brian asked.
“You’ve been taking your meds and going to therapy Brian.” Cynthia stepped out of his arms and composed herself. “Something you weren’t doing when we were 15. You haven’t had one fucking violent episode since that Brian, and you didn’t ever have one before.” She reminded him.
“I don’t want to hurt them. I don’t want them to be ashamed of me. Of how I am. I don’t want them to go to school and be embarrassed to have ME for their father. And they would be. Any child would be. I’m a fucking freak Cynthia!”
“Brian you aren’t a freak! And really, don’t you think that your children would be more embarrassed to go to school with out a father? And give yourself a little credit Brian; you handle everything pretty well. Your kids probably won’t even notice anything different from you than other dad’s. You have to stop mourning the past. Stop living in it. Or it will all eat you alive. You are your own person. You aren’t your fucked up father and mother and you aren’t even that closed-off little boy they abused anymore. You are a strong, caring person who is loved by me, and a very special young man. You aren’t much different than anyone, anyone with love in their life.”
“Cynthia.” Brian shook his head. “I am different. It’s not that hard to figure out.”
“You’re right Brian. It’s not.” She laughed. “You’ll probably be the hottest kindergarten dad in the whole world, not counting Justin of course.” She smiled.
Brian couldn’t help but smile back.
“But that’s years from now.” She reminded him. “Right now is the easy part. You wait on Justin hand and foot until he has those babies. Then you just hold them and help feed them and bathe them. And I’m pretty sure that Justin might even do all the diaper changing if you are there to help him love them.” Cynthia said with a laugh. “And right now you need to leave to pick your fiancé up from the airport.”
“My fiancé?” Brian asked, wondering how Cynthia found out.
“Why yes, that is what you are going to make him isn’t it?” She said.
Brian blushed and grabbed his bag. “You need to stop reading my mind or something.”
Cynthia laughed. “Oh Brian, it’s not that. The jeweller called a few minutes ago to tell you that the ring sizing was finished and you could pick them up.”
Brian smiled. “Shit! I’ll never make it across town and to the airport in time.” Brian started to rush around checking to make sure he had all of his belongings.
“Brian!” Cynthia ran up behind him and took his arm. “Why don’t you call the jeweller, tell him I’m picking them up, and then I can bring them to your house, hide them in your desk drawer, and you can pick up your husband to be!”
Brian turned and lifted Cynthia into his arms hugging her tightly. “What would I ever do without you?” He said wistfully and kissed her hair.
“You’d manage I’m sure.” She said. “Just not as gracefully.” She leaned up and kissed his cheek. “Now go bring your babies home Dad!”
Brian felt his heartbeat quicken at her words, but his skin didn’t crawl and he didn’t panic. The only change in him was that his steps were lighter and his smile was brighter as he raced down the airport terminal.

(I know. Cliff-hanger of sorts. But it won’t be too long before an update. I’ll be home shortly and I am so very happy to have been able to send this one out to you all. Our first full dress and make-up rehearsal is tonight! Wish me luck!- Rory)