A/N: Set right at the end of 3.03. Once again, I changed some tiny little things ... Justin doesn't tell Ethan that he's going to leave the party, he just does. And Mel and Linz are still at the GLC when Justin arrives. Oh, and this is the sequel to Oh L'Amour.
I'm wondering if he'll even notice that I left. But I simply couldn't stay there for just a moment longer, and I swear that's nothing to do with the Carnivale or maybe seeing Brian there. That's just a bonus. 'You know, of course, that there's something wrong with that perception, right? Seeing Brian is a bonus while spending time with Ethan – with your partner – is ... what exactly? Inconvenient? Well, if it is, it's your own damn fault.' I know, I know all that! But that doesn't change my feelings. Doesn't change the fact that his eyes haunt me. That pained expression... Maybe I was wrong to think... Maybe if I'd stayed...
Anyway, that's not the reason why I left that joyous party. It was Ethan's so-called friends that sent me running. I'm not antisocial. I just ... can't stand people. But that was a lie of sorts, wasn't it? I remember all the evenings we spent at Deb's, the nights at Woody's or Babylon – Brian and I, that is – laughing and joking with ... our friends. At some point, Emmett would always find a way to wrap his arms around me, earning himself a glare from Brian, and moments later I'd be in Brian's strong embrace, feeling safe ... feeling ... feeling loved. 'Yes, you pathetic little loser. He loved you ... still does, if I'm not very much mistaken. He might be shitty at saying the words – for a good reason, too – but...' I shake my head to clear it, and just for a moment I think of Ethan's arm around my shoulders – and there's nothing. Nothing even remotely like the feeling Brian always gave me. What the fuck was I thinking?!
There are more memories that come to the fore now – unbidden, but not really unwanted. Memories of Brian torturing poor Theodore. And even funnier ones like... Like the memories of those times Michael and I would suddenly start to talk business, and Brian and Ben would share knowing looks, rolling their eyes at their partners. And heart-wrenching ones. Of Dad kicking Brian like a dog... That night ... it meant so fucking much. Brian let them see ... how fucking scared he was that I'd just go with my father without so much as a goodbye. And then we went to the diner, together, only to witness Deb break down because she'd been working too long hours. But even then ... I never felt like they only accepted me because I was with Brian.
Yes, they were our friends, not just Brian's. Even Michael. I know he tried. And I'm not sure ... if things had been different, if Daph's boyfriend had gone behind her back... Maybe I'd have acted in a similar way. To protect her, not to punish him. I don't have a fucking clue. 'And did you ever?' Yeah – Emmett, Ted and Mikey – they were our friends. They saw me for myself, which is how I know how different things are now with Ethan. Those losers at Kolya's soirée were his friends and there's a fat chance of them becoming mine. They're fucking conceited, love to hear the sound of their own voice ... and they weren't at all interested in learning something about me. To them, I'm not Justin – I'm Ethan's boyfriend, Ethan's muse. And once I realised that I'd been right, that the only reason why he wanted me to accompany him was that he wanted to show me off to his friends, I had to leave.
Because I was this close to telling him that I wasn't some stupid trophy. That Brian... And that would have gone over well. Cause he noticed that something was up. That there's still something between Brian and me. 'That something is called love, you fucking idiot. A love that you don't deserve.' I know that! I know there's a bigger chance that they get snow in hell... Besides, I'm with Ethan now. I want to be with him. I fucking love him! 'Yeah, sure! And that's why you left the party he was at to go to the Carnivale where you'll see Brian. You do that because you love Ethan. Or ... is it Ian?'
Oh, just fuck off. I don't need you to tell me how fucked up this whole mess is, I know that just fine. And I also know that the kiss ... it didn't help matters along. It just made me doubt myself even more than I was already doing. 'Self-doubts won't help you. Just face it. You're so completely screwed that you couldn't stay faithful while you were with Brian, and now you go down the same path again. Only the roles are reversed...'
"Justin! There you are." Before I can react, Linz hugs me as if she hasn't seen me in years. "Oh sweetie, that poster ... it's amazing. I'm so glad Brian asked you. I have to say, I was quite surprised when he told me." She kisses my cheek and smiles. "You know, Gus misses you... So, if you ever have time..." Shit. I feel the tears at the back of my eyes, because ... because also missed him. Missed them. And I hear myself promising that I'll visit as soon as I can.
Luckily, someone arrives at that point, and Linz just waves me in. I get rid of my coat and climb the stairs, and stop in my tracks. Fuck! This looks more like an orgy than a feast to celebrate the Centre's birthday. Or whatever the fuck the occasion... And it's got the hand of the master written all over it. Prepare to be fucked, indeed. Shit. He transformed the GLC into a second Babylon! Tannis and Phillip must be delighted. And sure enough there they are, standing in a corner, looking completely disgusted. Well, it was their own decision to enlist Brian...
"You made it..." I whirl around and almost bump into him. Into Brian. Which would have been ... not so good considering my half-hard cock. And no, this time it has nothing to do with him – just with the atmosphere he created here... It's almost like walking around the backroom... "Where's Ian?" Sure, he had to ask.
I guess I should correct him, should tell him that it's Ethan, but ... I can't. I don't want to make it even harder for him. 'And when did you start to care about how Brian feels, huh? You didn't give a shit about him when you left with Ethan. So what's different now?' I don't know. But it is. He is. He shows me ... what he wouldn't show me before. Let's me see that even the great Brian Kinney has feelings. Like I didn't know that before. So I just can't... "He's with his friends..." And what a lovely lot they are.
Brian smirks, "You should have brought him." I don't think so. I really don't. There's that sparkle in his eyes, that gleam they get when he's amused, and I want to ... do something, anything... And right then some wannabe Go-Go dancer shows up, standing real close to Brian. And it hurts! I know I have no fucking right to feel this way, but it still hurts.
I nod, trying to cover up my emotions as best as I can. "I guess I better go." I turn and walk away, but he catches up with me on the landing. Does he want to gloat now? Or ask if I'd be interested to join the two of them?
"Can I drive you anywhere?" What?! "There won't be another bus for, what, an hour? So..." Wait a minute. Brian Kinney is leaving a potential trick behind to... Before, I could have fucking begged him to just come home with me, but... The tricks were more important. And now... I don't know why the fuck I'm agreeing, but a few minutes later we're on the street, and he's walking towards ... a Corvette? What happened to the jeep? He sees my questioning gaze and just shrugs. "I needed a change. Besides, it's sexy as hell..." Yeah, the perfect fuckmobile. Shit. I should get away, shouldn't get in... 'Then why are you? Why are you studying his profile as if you want to draw him, huh?'
For a moment I think he's going to drive to the loft, after all, how the fuck would he know where Ethan's ... our apartment is? But then he makes a turn and I'm... 'You're disappointed, huh? That he's really driving you home. That he doesn't treat you like his trick de jour. But you wouldn't want that, would you? After all, fucking doesn't solve any problems...' Fuck! Maybe I was mistaken and he doesn't want me... 'Like you want him?' Maybe he wants to be ... friends. 'Can you do that? Spend time with him without longing for more? Will that be enough? I mean, you have Ethan for the rest, but... You're not sure you want him, isn't that so?' Fucked if I know.
He stops the car in front of the run-down building, and slowly turns towards me. He's so close, so fucking close. It'd be so easy to... "Brian..." His eyes are dark, unreadable. But then he's moving, leaning in my direction, his left hand coming up to cup my cheek... "Stop! I ... I can't." And I'm all but jumping out of the car, just in time to see his face. Holy fucking shit! What am I doing to him? To us? 'There is no us anymore! There's just you and him, and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can go on. Or at least he will be able to. Leave him alone!' I will. I have to. Even if it's shredding my heart. Even if every cell in my body screams at me to get back into that car. I force myself to walk away. Because, hey, that's what I can do so very well...
FIN.