A/N: Begins during 4.02 and runs until after 5.13.
He's playing with my hair, and that's so fucking cute, and I know he'd deny doing it even if his life depended on it. I'm so amazed by his – what should we call it? – sweetness that it takes me a moment or two to understand what he just told me. "Besides ... if I don't do this now, I never will..." At first, I think he's only talking about starting his own agency, but then... The way he's looking at me, those beautiful hazel eyes so open and unguarded... He's referring to us as much as his new company.
'Think, Justin. Think! What is he telling you here?' The moment I realise the full meaning of ... basically everything that happened since the day I came home to find him redecorating the loft – I feel a smile spread over my face, a smile he returns, albeit more ... timidly really. More shyly. As if he's been waiting for something bad to happen, and is now so fucking relieved that everything's still alright, that he's still alright.
He wants to share this with me, all of it. Wants his partner by his side... Just like he was backing me when I plastered every available surface with those posters. This, this sharing of things – it's far more ... intimate for him than even the hottest fuck-fest. And I think I finally understand why he refused to take my money, and why it was okay to accept the cheque from Linz... For the same reason he can tell Mikey that he loves him – in his special always have, always will way – and why it's seemingly impossible for him to say the same to me. It's more difficult for him, because this non-relationship between us ... it's so much bigger than anything he's ever known. Anything he ever wanted to have...
And while I'm still basking in this new-found knowledge, he's suddenly lowering his head, kissing my neck – not to arouse, but rather as a precaution. Yeah, I'm still very much on to him. Which is why his next words aren't surprising at all, and they are every bit as good – if not better – than those I dreamt of hearing ever since I met him. "You should tell Daphne to find a new roommate..." It's not the "I want you to come back home", or the "I want to live with you", but in a way it's more. More sincere. More Brian. Besides, he knows that I can see through his shit, that I know what he's really saying. And he trusts me not to make a fuss about it.
I won't. Don't have to. Not anymore. I know, I once would have latched onto this, would have analysed every word – just to figure out how it fit with the self-image I had back then. I won't do that now. Won't do it to him – to us. Cause that was the problem before. I'm smarter now. And so is he. I guess we both needed the short hiatus – in other words, my time with Ethan – to grow up. I know I did.
In lieu of an answer, I simply force his head up and give him one of my Sunshine smiles, and he understands me just fine – I can see it in his eyes. They're fucking sparkling. Then it's just kissing, and touching, and our bodies talking for a while – and he finds ways to tell me how happy he is, how much he's looking forward to building up his own business... And when he whispers my name – over and over – I suddenly find a completely new page of the Kinney Manual. He's telling me something I knew all along, I was just a little deaf for a while... And somehow, hearing those words isn't important anymore as long as he keeps saying my name this way... As long as he keeps giving me this warm smile...
A few days later – most of my shit is back where it is meant to be – he's coming home from wherever he went off to. Not that I give a fuck. He changes into a pair of jeans and a shirt, but as I was saying – I don't give a fuck! I'm drawing like crazy, and my hand feels like it'll fall off any moment now... Everything's just completely fucked and then he comes over and acts like he actually gives a shit...
So I shoot him down, and I have to get away from that look of his, but that sack of shit holds onto my good hand, staring at me... "Listen to me." That's it. That's all he's saying. I'm about to tell him to cut it out, but then... He is still talking – with his eyes. And with his hands. He draws me down to the floor again, and begins to massage my fucking gimp hand. This time I'm not drawing it back. "Justin," he murmurs, but means so much more. "Don't turn away from me", and "Talk to me". And all those things he'll probably never be able to put into words. And I'm listening. And then I'm doing something I never thought I could. I'm talking to him. I'm telling him about everything that's on my mind, about all the anger and frustration. And he's not running away. Not even after I'm finally done. He takes me to bed then. "Listen to me," he whispers again.
And that's when I finally understand something that's of fucking vital importance. I just can't believe I didn't realise it before. No matter if it's hard and fast or slow and gentle – he's always been chatting away when fucking me. Even during those first days and weeks. It took a bat to my head, and fiddler-induced madness, and another fucking gay-bashing for me to finally open my ears and my heart to him. He turns me to my side, thrusting into me so fucking slowly that I want to scream – and he's telling me that I'm not a trick, that I've never been a trick. He touches my sensitive spots, showing me that he remembers everything that ever went on between us. And he never remembers shit about a trick... You're not still upset about the zucchini man, are you? I don't even remember it ... or him. It ... it was nothing. Back then I told him that it was just him being himself, and that I didn't want him to change. Yeah, I was a fucking liar. But now I'm finally, finally understanding it.
Yes, I told him that I knew what he wanted from me, and what I could expect from him. Doesn't mean I understood the reasons behind his actions. I do now. Or at least, I think I'm beginning to get it. I guess time will tell... He's jerking me off, his lips next to my ear, and my name seems to have become something like a mantra. He's chanting it over and over, and then even screams it when he comes. I barely realise it since I'm just trying to come down from the heights of my own orgasm, but somehow I manage to catch it. Cause I'm listening...
The next day, Darren calls and informs me that he changed his mind again. "Now, could you please keep your fucking boyfriend away from me?" Oh shit. I can't believe that Brian... Poor Darren. He probably didn't know what was happening. When Brian gets home, I'm about to confront him about scaring the shit out of Darren, but he's fucking bouncing all over the place – I mean Brian-bouncing, which is very similar to his normal behaviour, only that he grins like the cat who's just eaten the canary. Apparently, his trip to the bank went well and he's got his business loan. But there's something else...
"I think I got him... Remson, you know? I burst into Vance's pitch, and presented a new campaign. And he liked the response of..." He actually listened to me? He went and created a new campaign and managed to steal the account? That's what it sounds like... "Now, I think I can call my dearest mother-in-law and get her to find a nice building for Kinnetik. You know, I'd sign you up for the Arts department, but I don't want anyone without a degree..." Fuck! He has to bring that up again. I'm turning around to stalk over to our new TV set when he says, "Listen to me..."
And those words seem to become his ultimate weapon. It's how he prevents me from accompanying him to Baltimore after we found that fucking lump on his ball, it's how he keeps me from moving to L.A. when Brent Keller calls – though he allows me to use his office to make video conferences and all that shit. And it's also how he gets me to go to New York after I get my diploma. Though, I would have gone anyway. Since he's going to open a New York office and is moving to the Big Apple... And those three fucking words also make me accept his proposal – actually, I should have seen it coming when he wanted to take me out on a date for our seventh anniversary. We tie the knot just a few weeks after we finally return to the Pitts for good... New York is nice, yes. And exciting. But our family is in Pittsburgh, and believe it or not, Brian Kinney is a sucker for family. And as we're standing in front of everyone we gathered around us, and all eyes are on him cause it's his turn to say the fucking vows or whatever, he's saying just this. "Listen to me..." And I do. And I always will.
FIN.