A/N: I blame this one totally on Domi. She had to give me the new song by Rihanna called Unfaithful and add that it made her think of Brian and Justin. Nice, Domi, real nice! And here I wanted to finish the new chapter *pouts*. The story is set around the middle of 2.20, you know, when Justin comes home after Ethan told him to go back to his boyfriend ;)
He's lifting the covers, motioning for me to crawl into bed beside him. Shit. What is he doing here, anyway? It's only a little after midnight, and I would have thought he'd hit the clubs hard tonight, getting drunk and stoned, and fucking his brains out. That would have given me a chance to wallow in both self-pity and self-disgust. Guess fate had different plans.
He enfolds me in his arms, and shit ... I know I should say something, but fuck if I know what he wants – what he needs – to hear. His eyes ... there was so much pain in them just now, as if I'd killed something inside him. Well, I probably have. Even though he'd never admit it. And the guilt this causes is nearly overwhelming me and I'm drowning, struggling to get back to the surface. Cause that's where he is, and if he'd just reach out a little bit...
It's funny... I know I hurt Ethan tonight with all my talk about Brian and how we only have problems when we're not in bed, but I can't bring myself to care very much. So I guess he was right, and he's not the answer. Well, he isn't. And if I'm honest with myself, I don't really want to be with him. But that doesn't mean I can stop on my path to self-destruction anymore. Even though I want to. Even though every fibre in my body is screaming in agony at the prospect of living without Brian.
He's probably asleep already. But what if he isn't? What if this is my one chance? What if... "Brian?" At first, he doesn't respond, and when he finally does, he only draws me closer. " I ... I need you to tell me what you want. Not what you think I want..." I draw his right hand up until it's right in front of my eyes. And I know he's watching when I interlace our fingers. "What do you want?" And since it's all or nothing anyway, I'm adding, "What do you need?"
He's trying to withdraw his hand like I knew he would, but I'm having none of that. I'm holding on, clinging to him because this is it. I ... we can't go on like this. It has to end, one way or another, and it will end here and now. I can't do this anymore, don't want to do this anymore. "Tell me, Brian. Tell me if you'd even care if I was gone..."
Silence. A silence so deafening that I'm tempted to cover my ears. And then... "I want you to be happy..." I have to strain my ears to hear him, but I manage to catch every word, and fuck, I'm not going to cry like some sissy.
But I have to swallow, once, twice, thrice... "And you seriously think I could be happy with Ethan?" Does he? Is his perception of himself really so damn faulty that he believes I could be better off with someone else? He laughs, and I never knew laughter could be such a cruel sound, freezing the blood in my veins. I was right...
"He gives you what you want, doesn't he? Fills you up with all that romantic bullshit that I won't give you..." There's that argument again. But I know what he's really saying: It's not that he won't give me what I need – what I think I need – he doesn't know how... Because who the fuck was there to teach him? His parents? That would be a resounding no. Eventually, there were Mikey and Debbie, later on Linz as well... But it was all too late for him. I think I've never seen a person who's so very much in need of love and also so dreadfully afraid of it. Who loves his friends and family – his chosen family, that is – with such abandon, even though they will never realise it, and who doesn't think he deserves to be loved in turn. Oh shit!
And finally I realise something that was always right under my nose. Something even Ethan noticed pretty early on, I think... Now I just have to get the message through Brian's thick skull. "You're right. He gives me everything I ever wanted. There's just one catch: All his words and actions mean shit, cause he isn't you." It's just a question of moments now, I know, and I'll have my hands full of a full-fledged queen-out a la Kinney. So I might as well go for broke. "I tried to make myself believe that I loved him, but I don't. I can't. I love you! Despite everything that happened... I love you." I fall silent, holding my breath.
Nothing. No reaction whatsoever. And I'm almost certain he fell asleep – though I'm wondering how he could have pulled that off – when... He's burying his face in my hair, and I can't be sure, but I think I feel something wet... "You said it's my call where I want to be. But that's bullshit. I don't want to be anywhere I'm not welcome, and I don't know if I am..." That's as far as I get before I'm pulled onto my back, and fuck, I was right, he's fucking crying... And glaring. And if this whole damn situation wasn't so fucked, I'd probably laugh out loud.
"Alright, let's blame it all on the bashing, shall we? But which part of 'I want to come home to you' didn't you understand? That hasn't changed..." I'm cheering him on silently, all the while cursing myself for my own stupidity, when suddenly the light that was in his eyes just now is extinguished and he rolls away. "But that doesn't mean you should stay. You deserve better than this. You deserve someone who can give you want you need..." And he's assuming that part can be filled by Ethan. Well, you're sadly mistaken there, Mr Kinney.
I'm propping my head on my right hand and gaze down at his face. He doesn't want to look at me, so I have to reach out to touch his cheek and gently turn his head over. Time for a different approach. "You want me to be with someone who can give me what I deserve, yes?" Okay, so he didn't say that, but he's still nodding. "Alright then. I guess I should ring up Chris Hobbs..." That gets through to him. But before he can say anything, I'm covering his lips with a finger. "Let's see. I broke my own stupid rules, cheated on you, lied to you, fucking betrayed your trust... Sounds like I'll be lucky if I only get bashed again..."
There's no stopping him now. "Don't you dare joke about this! He nearly killed you! Nothing, nothing you could ever do would justify such behaviour! Nothing!" Fuck! What was I thinking? Then again... Maybe it's good for him to finally let this shit out. As far as I know, he never really did. "You didn't deserve to be bashed! All you did was live your life the way you wanted to. Like you are now..." I have to fight hard not to smirk.
"See... It wasn't your fault. It was Hobbs, who's a fucking closet case if you ask me, and no one else. So stop feeling guilty, okay?" Cause I know he still feels responsible. Which might be the reason why he thinks I should just leave. Fat chance. "That's one of the things I want. I want you to stop blaming yourself. And I want to be with you, not with anyone else. Ethan knew that all along..."
"Oh, so the fiddler kicked you out, did he? That's what this is all about, yes?" I shrug. "Good for him, he's sparing himself a lot of frustration... After all, he can't hope to measure up to me..." He leers for a moment, then turns sober again. "You asked if I'd care if you weren't here. Can't you tell? Cause if you can't..." That was a stupid question, because all things considered, it's more than easy to find the answer myself.
It's hilarious really how someone who scored 1,500 on his SATs can be so dumb. Like Brian said: Let's just blame it all on the bashing. Which we have to talk about one of these days. And we will, I'll make sure of that. But for now... "Alright then. I made my decision. I wanna stay..." I wanna stay. Shit. And I thought I was talking about staying with Ethan. What the fuck is wrong with me? I've been completely oblivious to the most obvious things. Fuck, I hope that changes once I get back on my feet, so to speak, and we sort out the mess I made of our relationship. Brian hates that word, but even he would be hard put to find another to describe this thing we have.
He catches my eyes, and suddenly I'm on my back again, and he's straddling my hips, my arms pinned above my head by one strong hand while the other strokes my cheek. "Took you long enough to figure that one out, Sunshine... Thought I had to resort to drastic measures..." Which probably would have ended in us breaking up. And I don't want to think about that right now. "But I swear if you ever do something so foolish again, I'll throw you out faster than you can say 'I'm sorry'. For now, don't be. I know I'm to blame as well. Just think about your birthday present..." And that's as far as he'll ever come to an apology, and it's more than I ever expected from him.
So he might not tell me that he loves me - yet - but he shows me. He showed me when we got to Red Cape the next day for that interview he'd set up for us by telling Mikey that it couldn't have been me he saw with that fiddler. Ah. So Mikey had been telling him. I'm still unsure if I should kiss him for it, or hit him. But he's only been looking out for his best friend, and while we're friends as well, Brian will always be more important, so that's okay, I think. And he showed me during that amazing party he'd planned by dragging his personal JT to the backroom time and again. I swear, Mikey looked so fucking smug about it all that I was afraid he might burst. Definitely need to kick him for that.
Ethan took it all extremely well. It's not like he ever really thought that I'd leave Brian for him. Well, I'm not going to tell him how close I'd come to doing it. And Brian... He gave me a belated birthday present by allowing me to talk about the bashing and all the shit that happened afterwards. And he told me that he'd been there – every fucking night. And if that doesn't answer my question about his feelings for me, nothing ever will...