Justin I'm waking up before the alarm goes off, and for a second I'm fucking terrified because I think last night was nothing but a dream and I'm still with Ethan. Well, at least I'd know what to do. I grin cause the arms that are loosely wrapped around me aren't Ethan's. And then I turn and come face to face with the man I'd almost left yesterday. So stupid. Bri's still asleep. Yeah, I guess he needs his beauty sleep after last night. We celebrated my return to sanity about five times after dinner - no wonder my poor butt is complaining. But it was worth it. My bladder calls for attention, and I extricate myself from Brian's embrace and pad over to the bathroom. Having seen to my bodily needs, I return and quietly open the wardrobe and have to grin. That sweater... In the morning when grabbing all my stuff, I hadn't realised it, but when I returned later, and saner, I saw the drool. And I knew that I certainly haven't drooled on my own sweater. His? – yes. Mine? – fuck no. So I knew what he'd been up to last night. It almost broke my heart because it shows me how much he cares about me, how much he fucking needs me around, even though he'd deny it forever. Fuck, fuck, fuck. So I'd placed the sweater with his. And of course I couldn't keep my mouth shut about it when Brian found it. I chuckle to myself while grabbing some cargo pants and a T-shirt. This is it, this is where I belong. And this time I'll stick to him like glue, no matter what shit he sends my way. Cause I know how hard this is for him, how hard the Rage party was for him. Damn, that's one of the things we still have to talk about. I've to get this stupid notion that he's not good enough for me out of his head. He's not the fucking cripple he thinks he is. I wasn't lying last night when I told Ethan that Bri was braver than I could ever be. Sure, I got bashed in the head and nearly died. But compared to his lovely family that was a walk in the park. And still he tried, let me see past the Brian Fucking Kinney persona he's perfected to protect himself. I got to see the real Brian, and fuck it, my allergies are back again. I walk down the steps and search for my cell. It's on the floor next to the sofa. Seems like a miracle that we didn't step on it. It blinks, telling me that I've two new messages. At least they can't be from Ethan, cause I blocked his calls. I know that chapter isn't closed yet, but I just can't deal with him right now. First, Brian and I have to work through a couple of things. Snapping the phone open, I've to grin. I should have known. The messages are from Daph and mom. Daphne just tells me how happy she is for me, and that I should hold onto Brian from now on. When I went back to pick up my stuff at her flat, I left her a little note telling her what an idiot I had been and that I'd go back to Bri to tell him just that. So there's no need for her to tell me that I was a fool, and she's just really glad that I've come around. No 'I told you so' or stuff like that. I guess I really have to give her a huge hug next time I see her. And tell her of my surreal chat with Mikey. She also asks if we could meet for lunch today, she'll come over to the diner and we can talk. Every time she says that I'm scared shitless, and today is no exception. But she's my best friend, and yes, we need to talk. Cause there are some things that went wrong between the two of us as well. Now mom's message surprises me. Either she's suddenly a telepath, or someone couldn't keep their mouth shut. Debbie, Debbie... I shake my head. Brian's surrogate mother always had to get involved in everything, not being able to stay out of things for once. And don't we all love her for that? Yeah, I admit that I also loved her for always hitting Mikey, but that's over now. Cause Mikey really proved his worth yesterday. Anyway, mom says that she's really happy for me, even though I'm back with the big bad wolf. I've to smirk cause I love big bad Brian. Big bad possessive Brian. He was that way last night as if he needed to convince both of us that I'm still his. As if there was even the slightest of doubts about that. She says she's happy for the two of us. Us. Like she really accepts Brian as my ... and I start to giggle at that thought ... better half. He'd be so pissed if he could read my thoughts just now. Mom asks if we could maybe come to her condo on the weekend, and I'm wondering how to break the news to Bri that we now have two social engagements. He will be so not pleased. I look at my watch, and it's shortly before seven a.m., so mom should be awake already getting the Mollusc ready for school. So I ring her and she's so happy to hear my voice and stuff. Gee, I didn't resurface after ages away, or maybe I did. I finally cut her off and say, "I'm just calling to tell you that Brian and I would love to come over some time. What do you say to Saturday?" Cause Sunday we'll be at the Munchers. And mom tells me alright, and again how happy she is and all this shit. Women! Eventually I manage to tell her goodbye and hang up. And I didn't hear Brian approaching and now I'm so not squeaking when he drawls, "So we are meeting the mother-in-law on Saturday?" --- Brian At first I was pissed of course. I'd woken to the sound of his voice, apparently talking to Jen. Great, just great. That couldn't wait five more minutes, could it? Cause then the alarm would have gone off anyway. But the real reason why I'm miffed, the one that I hardly admit to myself, is that I'm worried that she'll tell him what a huge mistake he's making by coming back to me. That he'd be better off without me. And then I hear the little shit tell her that we would love to visit on Saturday. Fucker! I get up and walk quietly down the steps. He's completely focussed on his call, and doesn't realise that I'm standing right behind him. So I know that I'll scare him shitless when I ask casually, "So we are meeting the mother-in-law on Saturday?" as soon as he hangs up. I swear he was squeaking like a guinea pig. How cute. "B...Brian!" His eyes are as big as saucers, and I give him my tongue-in-cheek-grin that always turns him into a single-minded creature of carnal pleasures. And I'm proven right when under my gaze his eyes are darkening until they are almost black. I reach for him and he comes to me and ... the fucking alarm goes off. Why haven't I switched it off. Shit. That sound is such a killer, or maybe not. Cause he just laughs and drags me back to the bed, or so I think. "Why don't you start the shower already? And I'll join you in a sec." The little shit! So I'm doing as he's told me, like the lovesick fool that I've become around him. I just hope he hasn't realised that yet. Cause the moment he does... Fuck. I actually catch myself waiting for him in the fucking shower, and how pathetic is that? Finally he's there, his arms wrapped around my waist, and he tries to steal my breath away – in a very literal sense. That look in his eyes tells me that he's hurting just a little, and fuck, that doesn't surprise me in the least. I mean, seven times in one day is a lot, even for us. So the question is do I just bring him off one way or another, or... I know he needs it, and once again I'm thinking lesbian thoughts, and push them away forcefully. I'm not saying a thing, just turn around – though not before kissing him again for good measure – and brace myself against the wall. And he sighs softly, and I wonder if he is fighting the tears yet again. But I guess even that is okay currently. Things have been decidedly strange lately and we're only getting back on track. I feel his body behind me, mere inches away from my heated skin. His kissing my neck while spreading my cheeks. And then he begins to prepare me, and I just have to push back on his fingers because I want him in me – now. The little shit chuckles at my eagerness, and I just want to slap him over the head. "Get on with it," I demand, and he kisses my neck again and then... I never thought that the sound of a condom pack being torn open could be so fucking great. Then he's suddenly inside of me, and all I can do is hold on for dear life. Shit, when did he get so good at this? 'No, no, fucking no. Don't even think about that, Kinney. He's here with you now. And the fucking fiddler is history.' He's fucking me in earnest now, hard and fast, pumping my cock on each of his strokes. But I know that for him even this isn't just a fuck. I know that he's still holding on to this romantic concept of us making fucking love. And maybe, just maybe he's right. Suddenly he's practically stabbing my prostate and I lose it, coming over his fingers. The contractions in my ass drive him over the edge as well, and he slumps against me, my nose coming in closer contact with the wall than I'd ever have wanted. "Shit!" And he draws back immediately, starting to apologise and fucking mothers me. Fuck, it's not broken, it just hurts like hell, and my eyes are welling. And he's still on about that as we have breakfast – well, he is having cereals and I have my coffee. I just want to hit him real hard cause he's starting to annoy me. "Justin, shut up. Okay? I'm still alive, my fucking nose is still alive. I'd just prefer it if you were a little more cautious next time." His eyes widen and I know I got him now. Yeah, you heard that correctly. There will be a repeat of our shower scene, maybe on the bed this time, for safety reasons. After all, the little fucker must be sore as hell, and I don't want to go without a fuck. Least of all tonight. Cause I still have to get it into my head that he's still here. Or again – whatever. He smiles once more, and damn, I think he shines brighter than the sun outside. I'm such a dyke at heart – fuck! --- Justin After that near catastrophe in the shower I'd never have thought that he'd ever allow me to top him again. But then he says that stuff about 'next time', and I have to fight against that urge to throw my arms around him. Instead I just smile and he seems to like that very much cause he smiles back, one of those smiles. It's still early, so he decides to take me to the diner. Yeah, he so wants to show the whole gang that we're truly together again and all that shit. Of course he'd never admit it, cause Brian Fucking Kinney doesn't care what other people think about him or his way of life. Only that I know that he does care. So I know what he's really saying when he mutters, "I think I'll need another coffee cause for some reason I didn't get enough sleep last night." He winks at me, and I grin back. I'm so on to him. As we get into the jeep, he tells me that he was thinking about selling it to get a 'Vette. But he won't do it now, because he doesn't need a car to show off. That means in Kinney-speech that he's showing off with me. That he thinks everyone will envy him because of me. Shit. And then he tells me that he's thinking about getting a new car anyway, cause now that Gus is big enough to go for a ride the jeep just won't do. "And anyway, it's rotten that you have to cart your art stuff around on the bus anyway." Finally it hits me that he's talking about getting another car, not a replacement for the jeep. A car that I can have at my disposal, and that is so fucking not going to happen. I start shaking my head vigorously, but he just grins. "It's for Gus' safety, and it would be a waste if it just sat in the garage most of the time." I'm telling him that I'm not going to accept anything like that, and he grins and tells me that I'll have to pay half of the price as soon as I get some money out of Rage again. Right. I just know that he will find a way of going back on his word when the time comes, but for now I think I might be able to live with that arrangement. So I simply say that I'll think about it, and luckily we reach the diner at that moment. As we enter, he somehow manages to wrap his arm around me, and I have to grin. Very subtle, Mr Kinney. I'm wondering why he didn't just tattoo it on my forehead – Property of Brian Kinney, hands off. Shit, he'd have such a queen-out if I told him that. Emmett is the first to see us, and he's bouncing up and down. "Oh sweetie! I'm so happy for you. Mikey just told us." He tries to hug me, but Brian glares at him so he only pats my cheek once. Then the rest of the gang's all over us, and somehow Brian doesn't have a hissy fit or something like that. He endures, for my sake. I know that he'll so make me pay for this, but I'm too happy right now to care. At some point, Mikey manages to drop an envelope into Bri's hand and he raises his eyebrow and turns towards Mel and Linz, "About bloody time." That's all he says and even though he's looking at the Munchers, I'm wondering who he's talking to. Cause it was also about bloody time that I came to my senses. Anyway, Mel still looks kinda sick. Apparently she's not quite over that remark. Not that Brian wasn't right. I did bribe him. And it was worth it. Eventually they all have to leave, and Linz tells me that I have to come over some time this week cause she might be able to convince one of the gallery owners she knows to add some of my pieces to that new show he's planning. Somehow I know that Brian is grinning like the Cheshire Cat cause he's so fucking proud of me. Hell, even Ted seems happy for us, well, in that 'Ted-way' of his. Emmett's still bouncing, and Mel just hugs me real tight and tells me to watch out for myself cause you never knew with Brian. I tell Mikey that I'll come over right after lunch, and he nods and fucking hugs me as well, and Brian's eyebrow is almost disappearing into his hairline. Then it's just the two of us, and he kisses me and bumps his forehead into mine and whispers, "Later." And somehow I know I've heard it before, heard him say it in this way before, but I just can't place it. I'll have to ask him about it this evening. So everything is just fine as I start my shift. I get some really good tips today, and Deb just grins at me and says, "Well, don't forget to share, Sunshine." Like I would. I owe her for this job and a lot of other things that I don't want to think of just now. My back is to the door when it opens and I turn to see... Fuck! What does he want now. He walks right up to me, eyes sending off angry sparks. "What the fuck did you think you were doing just hanging up on me last night? And blocking my calls?" Someone's really pissed here, and for once, it's not Brian. "Ethan, there wasn't anything we needed to talk about anymore. You made your position very clear. And I refuse to listen to your little story of 'Evil Brian and Poor Little Justin' any longer. This whole mess was mostly my fault, not his!" Debbie retreats, for once not getting involved, and I could hug and kiss her for it. "A friend talked to me yesterday, and I finally realised what I was doing! Cause I was pushing him away, not the other way around." I can see that he's changing his strategy cause suddenly he whispers softly, "He can't give you what you need, Justin. I can, you know I can. Cause I love you..." I have to close my eyes for a second cause it really startles me that those words trigger no reaction whatsoever within me. My, was I deluding myself. "Ethan, believe it or not, he loves me as well. And I love him. I loved him since that first night." Maybe I can make him understand after all. At least I can try. "What he did at the party... He did it because he wants me to be happy, even if that means he has to let me go." He frowns, but I keep going, "I guess I'll never fully comprehend how much that cost him. To set everything up so that I could blame it all on him. And before, when he'd never do the things you gave me so readily... I was just unable to read between the lines. Cause then I would have understood. Would have seen that he was really trying to show me that he loved me." And somehow Brian's attempts at showing me mean so much more than Ethan's constants proclamations of love. "So he lulled you into giving him another chance, yes? That's total shit, Justin. He's never going to give you what you deserve. What we could have. What we had only 24 hours ago." I want to bump my head into the counter. Is it really so hard to understand? "He's giving me another chance. Us. And for your information, Ethan, he's giving me more than I could ever ask for. He's really trying to open up, and I finally see that now. I'm not going to give up on that. Ever." Maybe he'll get it after a while. Ethan is a compassionate man after all. He should understand. But no, he starts again, but this time Debbie's there. "Didn't you get it that Sunshine ended the conversation? Now, either order something, or get the fuck out of here." Ethan does, but not without looking at me again, and there's something in his eyes that scares me. He's so fucking angry... Deb's arms are around me then, and I'm so glad that the diner is almost empty. "It's ok, Sunshine. We all have different ways of handling these things." Then Debbie being Debbie, "Now get the fuck back to work or I'll have to fire you." I smile at her and I know that she doesn't need to hear a 'thank you' from me. Cause somehow I managed to make her biggest wish come true by sticking with Brian. And this is her way of thanking me for it. Shortly after that, Daph waltzes in, that big smile of hers plastered all over her face, and she hugs me in a way that makes me wonder if she has taken lessons with Debbie. And with Linz cause she says, "You are so full of shit, Taylor. But I so glad that you came around at long last." Gods, I love her so fucking much. She's there for me no matter what a cock-up I land myself in, and doesn't gloat once I realise what a fucker I am ... at least not much. And she really likes Brian, sometimes I'm wondering how much. But Brian's mine, and even though I love her and don't mind sharing stuff with her, I won't share Brian. Not going to happen. So we just talk about this and that, and when I mention the stuff Linz said this morning, she's slapping me on the back and tells me that she'd always known that I could do it. Then why the fuck didn't she tell me when I was doubting myself, huh? Great friend. --- Brian Those fucking idiots in the Arts Department really can't get anything right, can they. Shit. I'll have to talk to Gardner about getting someone to work part-time or maybe a student intern. Hang on. Doesn't Justin need some practical experience as a part of his degree? He mentioned something like that at some point while we were in limbo-land. Maybe I could give him a little nudge cause with him down there, things might get done right by the third time and not the sixth. The current situation is really and truly driving me nuts. I slam the boards I've been looking at on my desk cause they are just shitty. I think I'll have to strangle someone. Well, true. I wish I could strangle someone, but that's nothing to do with the boards. And it's everything to do with the phone call I received about an hour ago. For once I could kiss Debbie for her meddling cause I know that the little shit who calls himself my lover, boyfriend, partner – whatever – never would have told me. Apparently he had a visitor at the diner, and no, I'm not talking about Daphne. I mean, sure, I understand that the fiddler doesn't want to lose Justin. I feel just the same way. 'Watch it, Kinney. If you keep on thinking such lesbian thoughts, your dick might fall off. And that would be very sad indeed cause your little Sunshine seems to have grown quite attached to it.' Anyway, he doesn't want to lose Justin. Okay, fine. Can live with that. I mean, I guess it was to be expected, right? I don't know yet how long the whole thing went, but I'm sure Justin will tell me eventually. Cause he thinks we need to get everything out in the open and some such rot. No, that's not the problem. But that he can't leave Justin alone is fucking unacceptable. Why Justin's even trying is beyond me, it must be one of those Justin-things. So dearest Ian came by the diner and made a scene ... like the drama queen I knew he was when I saw him at the Rage party. He just gave me the creeps, and not just because he was walking away with Justin. Debbie told me that it got really nasty – "You know, he got really mad at Sunshine. Thought you'd brainwashed him or somethin'." Like I'd stoop so low. No. I just opened a few scars for him to poke some rusty instruments in. That's all. "And he just won't accept that Justin chose you over him. That Sunshine loves you, for whatever reason..." I wish I knew how to help Justin there. Cause this is getting to him, I know it. He might have been using that fucking fiddler – subconsciously of course. But somehow he cares about him. Maybe thought they could wind up being friends. Sorry to break it to you, Sunshine, but the world doesn't work that way. The fiddler didn't want you to be his friend, he wanted you to be his lover. And he's not going to accept anything less. Yeah, I know that, but I also know that Justin's still going to keep trying. Cause he cares about people. Fuck. I will have to find a way to take his mind off things tonight. Maybe we could go to Babylon and shock the world with a little show – Brian Kinney going down on someone. I don't think I ever did in public, or semi-public. I've always been the aggressor, had to be the one in charge. But I think it's okay to let go of my precious control once in a while for Justin. For my fucking partner. I'm so glad that he's still with me, and I am going to show him tonight, even if it kills me. This morning when I came to the office, Cyn was asking if I was sick or something – cause I was smiling. Damn it. Does everyone really see me as some unfeeling machine? I guess I'll have to teach them that I'm human just like they are, at times at least. I grab the phone and tell Cyn to ask Gardner if he could come over so we can discuss the situation down below. The fucking boards need to be done by Friday, and I will not stay the night to see that the idiots downstairs get them right. Not when Justin's waiting for me at home. I have to tell him that he might want to try to get an internship at Vanguard, and no, not because I want him around me all of the time, but because I know he's good. Very good. And because I can't stand this fucking incompetence anymore. And then, we'll talk. I sigh, but I know it has to be done. So maybe our show at Babylon will have to be rescheduled after all. But this talking-shit is more important. Cause he's more important. The little shit.