A/N: Begins right after the "diner scene" in 3.01. Instead of telling Justin to get lost once and for all, Michael finally acts like a true best friend. Justin The day had started out so nicely. Waking up next to Ethan, next to someone who really wants to be with me. The roses, the softly whispered words... Even when I was at the loft, picking up my stuff... It was ok. I truly thought that I could make a clean break, despite the memories that assaulted me. Yes, the sex was always great. But that's about it. Brian never even tried to give me what I wanted, never seemed to care how I felt. Closing the door behind me, I felt so free all of a sudden. I should have known that it was too good to be true. Cause when I got into the diner, he was there. Not to mention the rest of the gang. And they stared at both of us, as if we were some pieces in an exhibition. But it was the way Brian looked at me ... when he thought I didn't see it... that made me feel like running and hiding. Putting out the trash had been the perfect excuse to get away from that look, away from him. What the fuck! It had only been one fucking night, a night that I enjoyed for that matter, but here I was, missing him. 'Get a grip, Taylor. He doesn't want you. And Ethan..." Only that Ethan isn't Brian, I realise yet again. And if I'm honest with myself I'd choose Bri over Ethan any time - for some reason that eludes me. Not that I'll ever get the opportunity to do that again. Brian Fucking Kinney, who'd looked so forlorn just now as if he, too... But Brian doesn't do any of this shit. Which was the main problem all along. I remember the rules, once again wondering why he had accepted them without putting up a fight. Maybe he wanted to see if he could control himself. Yes, it probably had been a little experiment for him, and nothing else. And anyway, it had only been a question of time and soon he'd have broken them as well... Only that I had fucked up a long time ago. And I can't even say why. I mean, I really thought I had what I wanted with him, didn't I? No, I guess not. After the ... the ... the fucking Prom, I tried so hard to make him love me, even though I knew all along that I wasn't worth anyone's affection, pathetic little faggot that I was. In any case I'd made sure he realised that as well. And it was for the best, too. Ethan will give me what I need, will show me that he loves me, hell, he tells me so every damn day. And that's something Brian never could. Never wanted. Yes, I'd be happy with Ethan. Then why the fuck was my heart screaming in agony? 'Shut up, you! Brian doesn't love you; didn't love you, ever! It's over, it's fucking over so shut up!' "Justin..." Oh shit. 'Not now, Mikey. Not ever. I don't need you to tell me what a loser I am. I already know...' But Mikey doesn't stop. No, he rambles on like I'd known he would. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?" I almost have to laugh at that. 'Hell Mikey, how would I know. Picking up the shards of my life left in your wake, I guess.' Why did he have to get involved? Things had been ... just terrible really. So maybe I should thank him for telling Brian. But then I remember the reasoning behind his actions, and I lose it. "What the fuck do you care? You got what you wanted ever since I showed up that night two years ago. I'm no longer part of Brian's life, and you can finally try to hit it off with him." And he would. Poor Ben. I really thought they were good for each other. Then again, Michael has been holding on to his little fantasies all along... He startles me when he begins to chuckle, shaking his head. "Damn, you really have me figured, don't you? Only you don't know shit! If you think that's the reason I told Brian, you're sadly mistaken." He sighs, his eyes locking with mine and I'm holding my breath cause I've no fucking clue what he's up to. "I told him because I knew the time had come for him to do something if he wanted to keep you around. Besides, it's not like he didn't know..." That's what throws me off track. Mikey must see it, too, for he continues, "Fuck you, Justin. Do you think he's completely dense? You were screwing everything you had right under his nose!" And fuck if that's not true. But it's the things he says next that tell me what a little piece of shit I've become. "And he was hurting, still is for that matter. He'd been clinging to that thing you two had, desperately trying to keep it all together." Yeah, right. Like Mikey would know. But what if he is right? What if he had seen and I... He goes on, and I know that this must be hard for him as well, know that he'd much rather tell me to get lost once and for all. But instead he's finally acting like Brian's best friend, and hadn't he always claimed to be just that? "I thought that by telling him... I guess I'd forgotten Jack's conditioning for a sec. He knew that you were miserable and since, as he believes, he's incapable of loving and having a normal relationship... he saw you and that Ethan last night and must have thought that he could give you the things you need. So he made sure that you took that chance, without a second thought of him." I feel truly sick now. 'Fuck you, Brian. Fuck you for not telling me, not showing me. And most importantly, for not stopping me while I made the biggest mistake of my fucked-up life.' But can I really blame him? I'd known what I was getting myself into when entering this relationship with him. Why did I have to make everything so hard, why did I have to set up those godforsaken rules? It seems like Mikey can read minds all of a sudden, cause he says, "I should kick your sorry ass, Justin. You managed something that only one other person could do to him before – his fucking father! You made him feel small and unworthy. Throwing everything he tried to give you back in his face..." What the fuck is he on about now? "It was ok that you broke your precious rules, yes? But he had to follow them to the letter..." How on earth? "You know about them?" I just can't believe it. And he stands there, a wry smile on his lips and fucking shrugs. Shit. "Brian told me so someone could make sure that he got home by three. I guess he thought I'd have a fit when he told me, but... You know something, Justin? Screw the fucking rules. Him accepting anything like that should have told you he loved you! Even I got it then, though I didn't know it at the time." His eyes are flashing like he's really miffed or something. But I can't really tell why he's annoyed. Is it because, as he seems to believe, Brian loves me – though I just can't imagine that. Or is it because I was too bind, too preoccupied to see Brian's distress? While I'm pondering those things, he seems to prepare for the final blow that will make all my certainties crumble. Sure enough... "You know, despite everything he did I never believed that he really loved you. I guess I didn't want to see what was right in front of me. Didn't want to see how he'd changed for you, didn't want to think of how broken he was that night at the hospital. And all those small things..." He shakes his head. "I didn't want to see it then. All I wanted was to go back to Brian and Mikey, and the fun we'd had. When I met Ben, things started to change, but it still wasn't enough to open my eyes. But then..." He stares at me, pleading with me to understand him and his actions, telling me that he knows that he was wrong and that what he wanted a year ago is not what he wants now. And I'm beginning to believe him, believe that he didn't tell Brian out of jealousy or malice. He only tried to help, cause he'd seen that I was too far along that road to destruction to stop anymore. He takes a deep breath, strengthening himself. "When Ben was in hospital, I ran into one of the nurses that had taken care of you last year." I don't want to think about that, but Mikey is merciless, or maybe he just thinks this is something important that I need to hear. "She asked how you were, and how your nice friend was doing, the one who'd guarded your sleep each and every night. I had no clue who she was talking about, but then she said that your friend's name had been Brian... And I knew what it meant. That he truly loved you as much as everyone thought. Every night, he'd hit the clubs, only to end up at the hospital, watching you sleep..." He gazes at me intently, and I can only swallow around the lump in my throat. I can't believe that he never told me. But then again, I understand it all too well. My heart is singing, but I don't feel elated. I just feel like utter shit. If only I had known. Most of the things that went so wrong wouldn't have. Cause if he was there every night... It means that I'm still worthy, that he still thinks... No, wait. After all the shit I caused to happen... I really had him, had what I'd always wanted with him, and I blew it. 'Smooth, real smooth, Taylor.' I feel my eyes well, fucking allergies, and turn away from Mikey cause I don't want him to see. I blew it! And where I was sure that it was Brian's loss only yesterday, I now know... It's too fucking late. I burnt my bridges alright. Suddenly, I feel a warm hand on my shoulder, and before I know what's going on, Mikey's hugging me. And fucking whispers that it's not too late, that things can still work out somehow. That Brian still wants me... I'm crying my eyes out like I haven’t done since the ... fuck, call it by it's name, you coward ... the bashing. I'm crying because I had Brian's love but didn't see it. I'm crying because it was me, and not Brian, who broke the fucking rules, and finally I realise what that means. Brian really tried, and I blew it. And I'm crying because I've not idea how to fix this, how to fix us. I've hurt him, gods, how I've hurt him. I wouldn't give me another chance if I were him... At long last I draw back, and it feels so odd that this is Mikey, but then again, it's so right! I don't think he's doing this for Brian only. He wants to show me that I'm his friend as well, and that he wants me to be happy, preferably with Bri. I shake my head, and murmur, "It's too late..." But Mikey smiles at me. "I think you two just need to talk, and you have to get him to listen to you. Go to the loft, and wait for him. He's not going to run out on you there. And if he tries to throw you out," the smile turns into a grin, "make sure that he doesn't succeed." Nice plan. Only there's a tiny little problem. "I don't have a key anymore... I picked up my stuff before I came here, and put the keys into his mailbox." Now I wish I hadn't done that. First I'd wanted to give him the keys, doing this face to face. Yeah, alright. Cause I wanted to gloat. I'm such an idiot. But Mikey's grin is still there, and he reaches inside his jacket and hands me his keys to the loft. "I hope you haven't moved in with the fiddler yet..." I shake my head. No. Not because I hadn't wanted to, but because I was already running late. My things are currently at Daph's, so there'll be no problem retrieving them. I can't believe that I'll be moving in again after moving out only this morning. That is, if Brian... Again, Mikey seems to know my thoughts, cause he says, "And don't worry. He might tell you to get lost, but I bet he'll be too happy to see you to do anything too radical." I grin and he winks at me. This is just too surreal. Michael Novotny, the guy who always wanted to get rid of me, is now trying to fix me up with Brian again. I shake my head at the absurdity of it all, and when I look up again, I see Debbie approaching. Apparently she's been wondering if Mikey had killed me. "Think you'll come back some time soon, Sunshine? Cause you're fucking working here." I can tell that she's not really pissed, cause she's giving me one of her huge smiles. Then she slaps Mikey over the head like she always does, and says, "About bloody time." Mikey just glares at her, then tells her that I still have to make an important phone call, and that I needed to take the day off anyway. Why she's suddenly crying and crushing my poor ribs in one of her hugs is beyond me. Or maybe it isn't. When she finally releases me, I breath a sigh of relief. And I just have to give her a kiss on one rosy cheek. I can't believe how my plans for today have changed. Now things are so clear to me. First I have to call Ethan and tell him that I'd made a huge mistake, and that I couldn't stay with him after all. Cause I'd only hurt him in the long run. And I would, I know that. We wouldn't have lasted anyway. My heart only wants one person, and that's just not him. Then I'll pick up my things at Daphne's again, and go back home. And I will get Brian to listen, and to talk. Cause now that Mikey's opened my eyes, I'm on track again. And I know exactly what I want. --- Brian I can't say that I'm surprised when I find Justin's keys in the mailbox. But what shocks me is how unwilling I am suddenly to go up to the loft. I know what I'll find, and I dread it. Hell, I can at least admit it to myself, can't I? Last night, it was ok. I mean, I knew that he wouldn't come home, but I still had his things around me, so I didn't feel so alone. Yeah, right. I was hugging one of his fucking sweaters to me so that I could sleep. Tonight, I won't have even that anymore. I guess I'll just go to Babylon and get pissed. Or maybe not. Some place else, where I won't run into Theodore or Emmett. Cause I had enough of their pity already. Poor Brian... Sure. Do they really think that I'll break like fucking glass because that little shit left me? 'Yeah, go on lying to yourself, Kinney. You'd give anything to have him back.' I would, but that's out of the question. The elevator stops, and I slowly move to my door, our door no longer. And I find that it's fucking unlocked. Shit. Not again, Justin! I open it cautiously, half-afraid of what I'll find. Nope, everything seems to be where it's meant to be, unless I count the most important... 'Stop it right now, Kinney!' And then I hear the clanking of pots and pans from the kitchen and see... I swear if I wasn't Brian Fucking Kinney, I'd be rubbing my eyes at this point. Either I'm more damaged than I'd thought and am hallucinating, or the little fucker is in my home making fucking dinner. He must have heard me come in, cause he suddenly looks at me, one of those Sunshine smiles gracing his features. Shit, the last time he smiled at me like that was... 'No, don't go there. Not again. It hurts too much...' Fuck, I just want to take him into my arms and hold him. But I don't. And instead of begging him to stay and never to leave me again like that crippled lump in my chest wants me to do, I snap, "What the fuck are you doing here?" And what does the little shit do? He continues to smile, and whispers, "I'm making dinner. Something Chinese that I think you will like..." Dinner... Chinese... He's here and acts as if nothing happened last night. What sort of a fucking game is that? Well, it's not one I want to play right now, or ever. "I'll only say it once. I want you to leave, now! Get the fuck out of here, and go back to your precious new lover. Let him sing you the stupid love songs you so desperately want to hear, cause I sure as hell won't." Because I can't. Yes, I care about him, very much. But I can never tell him. I tried to show him how I felt, but it wasn't enough. He's still smiling, and I'm beginning to wonder if he might have hit his head or something like that. "I am with my precious lover, though he's not exactly new. And Brian, just for your information, Ethan wasn't a singer, but a violin player." He's chuckling, probably at my dumbstruck expression. "Not that it matters anymore." What doesn't matter? I stare at him, and he stares back. By now I'm certain that he's lost it. The fiddler doesn't matter? And suddenly this fear grabs hold of me. What if seeing me at the diner, and I could still kick myself for not being able to keep my fucking emotions in check, what if seeing me has caused him to take pity on me and he's come back to poor suffering Brian. Fuck! "Get out!" I say, no yell, and he's chuckling at me, and damn if I don't know why. "Didn't you say you weren't going to repeat yourself? And anyway, you can just spare your breath cause I won't go. At least not before you've listened to me. You will hear me out, and if you still want me to leave afterwards, I will." I move to grab his arm, to drag him away from his cooking and throw him out of my life, but he slaps my hand away. "No Brian. You owe me at least this much!" I owe him? I owe him shit! Then why the fuck am I nodding? He smiles once more, and lowers the temperature of the stove so that his rotten food isn't boiling anymore, and merely stays warm. When he raises his head again, he's sighing. He runs his hand through his hair, and I itch to do the same, but I know that I'll never be able to again. "I want to apologise." I open my mouth to stop him, but he cuts me off, "Before you say that sorry is bullshit, listen to me. Okay?" Fuck, I nod again. What on earth is wrong with me? "I'm sorry I hurt you, Brian. And I'm sorry that I didn't even see it. I'm sorry that I ever set up those fucking rules, only to break them myself. But you know what? More that all that I regret that you never told me!" Something tells me that he's really angry now. "Why didn't you want me to know that you were at the hospital?" I freeze. How did he find out? Jennifer? Or did he remember something? Maybe I was careless one of those nights and... No, it can't be that. I want to tell him that it meant nothing and that it's none of his fucking business, but I know that he won't take that for an answer. I turn my back to him, cause I think I caught his allergies. "I ... I couldn't help you. So what good would it have done?" I can hear him sigh, and I know that he draws closer. Then I feel his arms go around my waist, and he rests his head against my shoulder, "It would have told me that you cared about me, when I thought that no one really did. Except maybe my mum and Molly. Fuck Brian! I thought you didn't give a shit about me. Thought you didn't care if I lived or died. Everyone came to visit, even Michael. Only you weren't there, ever." Oh shit. I'm seriously considering walking out on him right now. Cause this is just too painful. But he's here. He's here and he wants to talk to me. He's not with the fucking fiddler or someone else. Maybe, maybe we still have a chance after all... It's that thought that makes me reply to him, that makes me lay myself bare to his gaze, "I couldn't. I was afraid to look at you and find nothing but hatred in your eyes. Cause if I hadn't been there, Hobbs would never..." "You don't know that. Hobbs was a fucking asshole, and the thing is that I did my utmost to annoy and tease him all the time. So he might have done it anyway. And if it hadn't been for you, calling out my name – Justin – I could be dead now. You saved me, Bri. It wasn't your fault." He's said that before, but maybe, just maybe I'm beginning to believe him now. "And it was the thought of you that made me fight my way back to consciousness, the thought of you that made me work so hard during rehab..." I can hear the tears in his voice, but he continues like the brave little fucker that he is. "I wanted you to be proud of me, Brian. I wanted you to ... to care about me." I know what he really means – 'I wanted you to love me.' Shit, I did ... I do. But I'm not what he needs. I turn around, and feel his arms drop away from my waist. He gazes at me, and sure enough, his allergies have caught up with him again. Before I know it, I lean in and kiss the tears away. 'Don't fool yourself, Kinney. You might be able to help him now. But you aren't what he needs.' Yes, I know that only too well. And I'm going to tell him. However, he beats me again, and before I can say anything... "Why did you give up on us, Brian? Why didn't you stop me from screwing up? And I'm not only referring to Ethan here. I went out of my way to please you, and grew more miserable with every passing day. But it wasn't only me, was it. I just couldn't see it." My voice almost breaks as I whisper, "I want you to be happy, Justin. Even if you can't be happy with me." Why he's suddenly all over me, kissing me within an inch of my life, is beyond me. --- Justin Gods, I was such a bloody fool. He may never say the words, but that stuff about wanting me to be happy even if it wasn't with him... Gods, how dense can you be? We both know that there's more we need to talk about, but we also feel the need for something else right now, and that's why we're now on the sofa, and he's kneeling between my spread legs, preparing me for his cock. He'd probably have kittens if I told him what I'm currently thinking, but I don't care. I know that this won't be a fuck, just like we haven't fucked in ages. It was always more, and now is the first time that I realise it. We are about to make love, and I have to bite my fist to stop me from laughing. I thought that what Ethan and I had was love, but compared to me and Bri... Brian's lowering himself on top of me, his eyes searching mine, and I lose myself in their hazel depth just as he pushes inside. Once more I'm forced to see my own folly. His eyes shine with emotions – desire, need, relief, and most of all love. It's been there all along, and I never saw it. I wish Debbie was here to slap me over the head. But then again... He whispers my name, then his lips are covering mine, and our tongues begin their endless dance. He moves, almost drawing out completely, only to push inside again. His hands search and find mine, and our fingers twine, giving him more leverage. I can only sigh against his lips, then moan as he hits my prostate, over and over. Eventually he has to draw back, and again he's studying me, his eyes driving past all my defences and into my soul. I should be scared shitless I guess, but instead I love every second of it. And then he smiles at me, one of those open and unguarded smiles that I so love. He begins to pump in earnest now, and I feel myself getting closer and closer to climax. When it hits me, I come all over our chests, and I can feel him follow me into oblivion. --- Brian I can't believe this is happening. I was sure that we were over. But here he is, lying in my arms. I'm so fucking grateful to every deity out there for making him come back. I know that there's more that he needs to talk about, and I fear that one of those things will be the Prom. But I'm beginning to see that this was where I went wrong, even though I'd never admit it to anyone, not even him. Or maybe to him, some day... We never talked about anything that happened that night, I never wanted to talk about it because I was fucking scared that I would crash and burn to ashes. But if this is what he needs, I guess I should take a leap of faith here. But for now, things are just fine. Soon, we will have fucking dinner like a couple of fucking breeders or lesbians, and I'm not even freaking at the thought. Because it'll make him happy, and as I told him before, that's all I want. Shit... Allow me to introduce myself, Brian Kinney, dyke in the making. I guess I had this coming ever since I took the little shit with me to the hospital that fateful night. I suddenly remember something, and give him my infamous tongue-in-cheek-grin. I can see him start to panic, so I take pity on him and ask casually, "Why was your fucking key in my mailbox by the way?"