You’re cynical and beautiful You always make a scene Justin went up the stairs of Brian’s loft. He had been calling the brunet wanting to know what the doctor had said to him. He had insisted on going to the appointment with Brian but the brunet had turned him down. He opened the door to the loft and found Brian behind some guy as they kneeled on the sofa. Brian looked at Justin and started pounding faster into the man. Justin closed the door and walked over to them. He bent down and kissed the guy that Brian was fucking. The guy reached for Justin’s cock and then Brian started cursing at Justin. “What?” Justin asked a bit confused. “Why did you stop?” The trick asked. “Fuck this,” Brian hissed as he pulled out of the man. “Get the fuck out!” “He’s gone insane,” Justin whispered to the trick. “Your dick is going to fall off if you don’t cum.” “Get the fuck out! The both of you,” Brian yelled before he stormed to the bathroom. “God,” the trick hissed. “Hold on,” Justin said as he grabbed the man’s hard dick and started jacking him off. “Oh god yes!” The man hissed as he splashed his load in Justin’s hand. “Thanks.” “Just because he’s gone nuts doesn’t mean your dick has to suffer,” Justin informed him. The trick started to pick up his clothes. Justin went to clean his hands; he decided to go to the kitchen than to the bathroom where Brian was steaming with anger. Justin smiled at the man that Brian had picked up, giving him a casual glance goodbye. The trick walked over to the blond and put a piece of paper in front of him before he left. Justin licked his lower lip and walked boldly to the bathroom. He knocked on the door and waited. “Go the fuck away,” Brian instructed him. Justin rolled his eyes and went to sit by the kitchen island. He picked up the piece of paper that the trick had left for him and smirked. He started to record the number on his cell phone when Brian came out. “What the fuck are you still doing here?” Brian asked as he exited the bathroom. He found a pair of sweats to wear and started dressing himself in an attempt to ignore Justin. “I wanted to see what crawled up your ass and died or is it the lack of something up your ass that is making you so irritating,” Justin drawled. “Fuck you!” Brian hissed as he walked over to the blond. Justin closed his cell phone when he was done and looked at Brian. “Are you okay?” “What the fuck do you care?” Brian asked. “Why the fuck are you trying to pick up a fight with me?” Justin asked. “Do you want me to fuck you?” Brian glared at him. “Fuck you.” “Right,” Justin said calmly. “This is getting old.” “Get the fuck out of my loft, Justin,” Brian hissed. “You fucking shit! It’s not all about you!” “Why are you throwing me out now?” Justin asked as he calmly continued sitting on the stool. “Are you going to keep cursing me out or are you going to answer me?” “I was fucking that guy!” Brian hissed. “Yes,” Justin drawled. “Why did you stop? It looked hot from where I was standing.” Brian glared at him. “What?” Justin asked arching a brow. He stared back at the brunet. Brian crossed his arms. “So, why are you trying to push me away?” Justin asked getting serious. Brian didn’t answer afraid that the truth would scare off Justin. Brian had never needed anyone and for the first time felt he needed someone. But not just anyone, Brian needed the hot blond in front of him. Justin licked his lips. “You’re an asshole.” “Then leave,” Brian grunted. “Fuck you,” Justin told him. “You don’t tell me what to do.” “I can call the cops,” Brian pointed out. “So,” Justin said ignoring Brian’s empty threats. “What did the doctor say?” Brian stayed quiet. Justin arched a brow. “So?” “It’s no big deal,” Brian said trying to assure Justin as much as himself. “I’ll get some chemo and then they’ll take the tumor out.” “Is it in your head?” Justin asked almost too afraid to hear the response. “No,” Brian said slowly as he looked away from Justin. “I’m not going to sit here all day guessing, Brian,” Justin assured him irritated with Brian’s behavior. He was only trying to help the stubborn brunet. “Now fucking tell me.” Brian took a deep breath. “It’s testicular cancer.” “Ouch,” Justin said. “Will they have to take your balls out?” “Just one so far,” Brian informed him. He couldn’t stand to look at the blond. Brian was afraid he would see pity or worse rejection in the blond’s blue eyes. “Do they really have to cut it off?” Justin asked quietly. Brian’s lips formed a thin line and tilted his head to silently say ‘yes’. “And then what?” Justin asked. “You’re going to use a fake ball?” “Yes,” Brian gritted out almost in physical pain even though his body was still intact, still perfect. But for how much longer Brian thought to himself. “How long will the treatment take?” Justin asked. “The doctor said less than three weeks,” Brian answered. “They want to operate and remove the cancer as soon as possible before it has a chance to spread.” Justin nodded. “Well, it’s not the end of the world,” he told Brian. “I’m sure they have done the surgical procedure before. And it’s great that they can use a prosthetic to simulate your testicle. You probably won’t even be able to tell there is a difference.” Brian was angry at Justin’s last words. He was angry at the injustice of the diagnosis and the disease. He was angry at the world right now. He was Brian Kinney for fucks sake, stuff like this wasn’t supposed to happen to him. He was supposed to be young and beautiful forever. “Are you leaving my loft willingly now?” Brian asked in anger. “What?” Justin asked. He stared at Brian and smiled. “You want me to leave.” “Yes,” Brian said almost growling. “You’re trying to push me away because you’re going to be missing a ball?” Justin asked and laughed. “You’re such a fucking asshole, babe. There is no problem with me, I can still fuck you.” “I hate you!” Brian roared. Justin was chuckling and stopped suddenly. “Hey, wait a minute! Are you calling me superficial?!” Brian rolled his eyes. The only thing he wanted was for the blond to leave him alone. “Shut the fuck up.” Justin licked his lips. “You’re weird.” “Weird?” Brian asked confused. “Yes weird, after all who in their right mind would want to get rid of a blond bombshell like me, Brian?” Justin asked. “Have you not seen my cock up close and personal?” Brian’s mouth hung open too stunned at Justin’s audacity to speak. “You’re the one that’s weird,” he accused after a while. “Of course I am,” Justin said as he walked to the fridge. “I hang out with you.” And as hard as Brian tried not to, he smirked at Justin’s comment. He gave up knowing that Justin wasn’t going anywhere no matter how hard he tried to push him away. “What the fuck is this?” Justin asked lifting the red ball from the kitchen counter. “Holy shit!” “Put that down!” Brian yelled. Justin started a new round of chuckles and for the first time so did Brian. It was a start to bridging the gap between them and providing some comfort for them both. Things didn’t look too bad at that moment; they were actually facing this disease together. Soon Brian’s treatment would start and it wasn’t going to be a laughing matter. In fact Justin realized that Brian would’ve very little to laugh about and once the treatment started even smiles would be few and far between. Justin knew he had to hold on to the brunet and show him he wasn’t going anywhere. *** Hold on, hold on to yourself For this is going to hurt like hell Justin opened the door to the loft with a grocery bag in hand. He slid the door closed and looked at the dark loft. “Brian, are you here?” “What the fuck are you doing here?” Brian asked weakly from the lounge chair. “I brought some things,” Justin whispered as he walked to the kitchen. “Are you turning into a vampire now?” Brian stayed silent and concentrated on breathing and not vomiting again. He felt like shit but that was how he had felt all week. It had been a week now that he had started the treatment and already he had four sessions of chemo. The treatment plan included trying to reduce the size of the tumor before attempting to surgically remove it. Brian’s oncologist and radiologist concluded it was his highest chance of stopping the cancer from spreading. “Brian, are you awake?” Justin asked. Brian tentatively opened his eyes. He felt like he was going to die right then and Brian almost welcomed it. Justin walked around the loft and turned on a few lights. He slowly made his way over to Brian and kissed him on the forehead. He pushed the brunet’s hair back. “How are you doing?” Justin asked with tenderness. Brian shrugged as he tried to sit up. Justin went to help him but Brian slapped the blond’s hands away. “I don’t need help,” Brian told him as he sat up. Justin licked his lips in concern but decided it was best to agree so he nodded. “I’m going to make something to eat.” “I’m not hungry,” Brian snapped. “But I am,” Justin simply said as he walked away. “Don’t you dare pretend ignorance, like I don’t know what you’re really doing,” Brian told him. “Making food you mean?” Justin asked feigning ignorance. “Fuck you!” Brian hissed. Justin laughed because he didn’t want Brian to see how worried he actually was for the brunet. So he continued his act and busied himself at the kitchen. He prepared some soup and a salad as well. He knew that the brunet had to eat. The brunet had fallen asleep in the chair and woke up some time later. He wasn’t really surprised with all of the brunet’s symptoms. Justin remembered the first time after chemotherapy Brian had immediately passed out once he reached the loft. Yet Justin’s fear at Brian’s precarious medical condition had him watching Brian constantly for signs of deterioration. “What’s that awful smell?” Brian asked as he got off the chair. Justin smirked and said, “It’s the poison I have added. I figured I should kill you so the whining would stop.” “Not funny,” Brian hissed. Justin’s cell started ringing. He answered and exchanged a few words on the phone then ended the call. “I have to go out for a little while.” Brian walked to the bedroom upset but not willing to admit his feelings to Justin. “Did you hear me?” Justin asked as he turned everything off. He served the brunet his food and went to take it to Brian. “Brian?” Brian stayed unmoving in his bed with his eyes closed. He pretended to be sleeping yet again. “You don’t fool anyone, you know,” Justin drawled. Brian didn’t move or open his eyes. He heard the blond walking around and then Justin was gone. He opened his eyes when he heard the door to the loft closing. He looked to the side and saw a glass of orange juice and a bowl of soup. Brian grabbed the note that was in the night table. Eat up asshole or I’ll come back and force feed you. It won’t be pretty. “Bitch,” Brian muttered crumbling the note. After a few minutes he reached for the soup. He only ate half of it before he set it aside. He stayed in his bed tired and in pain from the brief attempt to feed himself. He wished Justin had stayed after all missing the blond’s company and attentiveness. After a while Brian fell asleep again with a hot young blue eyed blond invading his dreams. When he woke up his body once again protested any movement, he felt like he had only rested for a second. Brian felt as if his entire body was hit by a rock. He had never felt so heavy and tired in his life. He sat up and walked to the bathroom slowly. He needed a bath. He took off his clothes slowly and was about to get in when he felt the pain hit him. The tall man dropped to his knees due to a sharp throbbing pain. The room spun around in circles for him and he started sweating. He crawled to the toilet and started puking. “Brian?” Justin called when he came back to the loft. He closed the door and heard Brian’s groans. Justin walked quickly to the bathroom to see what the hell was going on. He found Brian puking his brain’s out. “Fuck,” Brian groaned. He hoped it was over. “Bri,” Justin whispered as he kneeled next to the man. “Jesus Christ.” “Fuck,” Brian groaned when he started puking again. He thought that he was going to die. Justin cringed as he held Brian by the waist. He could feel the man shaking. He knew the brunet was in pain and he wished he could do more. “Oh god,” Brian hissed as one of his hands gripped the edge of the toilet seat. His other hand was clawing at the floor. “Brian,” Justin gasped when he saw the blood that Brian had puke. “Don’t touch me,” Brian spat out as he pulled away. Justin let him go and watched as Brian crawled away weakly. He closed his eyes trying to get the image out of his brain. Unable to help Brian, Justin got up and flushed the toilet. Then he went to get something to clean and get the smell of blood out of the bathroom. “I don’t need your fucking help,” Brian told him as he managed to sit down. “Shut up,” Justin told him gravely. “I’m going to help you shower and if I hear a peep from you I’ll fucking tie you to the bed.” Brian was about to protest but didn’t. He really needed to take a bath and he was sure he wasn’t going to be able to do it on his own. “Whatever.” Justin took care of everything in a heartbeat before Brian could change his mind. He washed Brian’s body as a professional would have. Justin was so worried with what was happening that touching Brian’s body didn’t elicit the hard on he usually got next to Brian’s body. He was clinging to Brian with fear. He wanted the brunet to be okay soon. “I can do this,” Brian said taking the towel away from Justin once the blond had helped him walk to the bed. Justin glared at Brian before he went back to the bathroom to take a shower himself. When he was done he came back and got in bed with Brian. Brian sighed when he felt Justin’s arms around him. “Are you okay?” Justin asked. “I feel like shit,” Brian muttered as he tried to keep his eyes open. Justin caressed Brian’s forehead. “You have a fever.” Brian sighed. “I’ll stay with you tonight,” Justin told him. “You already do most nights anyway regardless of what I say,” Brian pointed out. Justin grinned. “Now I’ll have a valid excuse.” “You never really needed one,” Brian muttered as his eyes closed. Justin smiled and kissed Brian’s neck. Then he held on and told himself that it all would be okay. The rest of the night he prayed as he never had while he watched over the man he was growing closer to everyday. *** And I don’t want the world to see me ‘Cause I don’t think they will understand “Wait,” Brian said when Justin was about to get out of the car. “What?” Justin asked. “Let’s get out of here,” Brian told him. “What the fuck are you talking about?” Justin asked. He had brought Brian back from one of his treatments and he was going to make sure that Brian got his rest. “I don’t want to be at the loft,” Brian explained. “Let’s go to your apartment.” Justin licked his lips and closed the door. He started the car and drove them to his home. When they arrived he helped Brian get up. He knew he had to go to the loft to get Brian some clothes later. “Jesus,” Brian said as he sat down on the sofa. “Do you need anything?” Justin asked. Brian shook his head. “Do you want to stay here or do you want to go to the bed?” Justin asked. “I’m going to go to the loft and get some things. Do you want me to call Cynthia and tell her that you’re going to be out another week?” “I can do it,” Brian insisted. Justin bit his lower lip trying to calm his nerves and his sudden impulse to argue with Brian. “Fine. I’ll be back in a while.” “Whatever,” Brian told him. Justin went to the loft and grabbed some of his things. He grabbed Brian’s laptop with him because he knew that Brian would bitch and moan if he didn’t return with it. He already knew Brian well enough. When he came back Brian was asleep on the sofa. The blond went to the bedroom and dropped the things there. Then he went to the closet and pulled out one of the duvets. He went to put it over the brunet when Brian woke up. “Hey,” Justin whispered. “Go back to sleep.” “My head hurts,” Brian muttered. Justin nodded. “I’ll get you something but you have to eat first.” Brian sighed as Justin walked away. He felt like he was an invalid. Justin threw some sandwiches together and came back to where Brian was. He handed one to the brunet and arched a brow when the brunet didn’t take it. “What’s wrong?” “I’m not hungry,” Brian said. “Just give me the pill.” “No,” Justin told him. “You’re going to eat first.” Brian shook his head. “Brian,” Justin tried. “I don’t want that!” Brian hissed. “You have to fucking eat,” Justin yelled as well. He got up and put the plates on the coffee table. Brian glared at the blond. “What the fuck did I come here for?” “I don’t know why the fuck I brought you!” Justin shouted. “You’re such a fucking asshole.” “That’s me,” Brian pointed out. Justin narrowed his eyes and smirked. He took out his cell phone and started dialing. “What are you doing?” Brian asked. “I’m calling Debbie,” Justin told him. “She might know what to do.” “No!” Brian shouted with all his might. “No.” “I think it is a good idea,” Justin said but stopped dialing. “I don’t want anyone to see me,” Brian told him. “I don’t want them to know.” “They could help,” Justin pointed out as he turned his head up to look at the brunet. “I don’t care,” Brian whispered. “I’ll call them,” Justin told him. “The fuck you will!” Brian yelled. “Then you do what I fucking tell you!” Justin shouted. “You think you can blackmail me?” Brian asked. “I have nothing to lose,” Justin spat as he began to dial again. “Stop,” Brian said pleading. Justin arched a brow and slowly lowered the cell phone. “Brian, I’m only trying to help you. You know that you would be as annoying as I am right now if our positions were reversed and I was sick.” “But you’re not,” Brian said dryly. “Thank god,” Justin told him. “I would be as bitchy as you are right now.” Brian looked at him and smirked. “Nice, Sunshine.” “Are you going to eat?” Justin asked. Brian pouted. “Fine, whatever as long as you shut up about it.” Justin walked over to him and kissed him. “Thank you.” “Don’t do that,” Brian said frowning. The doctor had told them that it wasn’t a good idea for Justin to have contact with his bodily fluids because of the pills. “Don’t kiss me.” “I don’t care,” Justin told him. “I’m radioactive,” Brian said. “I don’t want you getting sick.” “I won’t,” Justin assured him. “It was just one kiss. Now let’s eat.” Brian sat back down and grabbed the sandwich that Justin was giving him. He had a few bites and the blond was relieved that he won the small battle without any bloodshed. Also Justin was happy that Brian managed to eat something and hoped that later on the brunet didn’t get nauseous and vomit. “I don’t want anymore,” Brian said. “Okay,” Justin agreed, he didn’t want to push his luck with Brian. “Are you going out?” Brian asked when Justin got up. “I don’t know,” Justin told him. “Probably not.” “Don’t let my presence here hamper your style,” Brian blurted out. “You’re in a weakened state,” Justin pointed out. “You couldn’t hamper it when you were stronger than me. What makes you think you can now?” Brian rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.” “Oh, shut up,” Justin drawled as he placed the plates in the kitchen. “I have work to do.” Brian stayed quiet and watched as Justin went to get his pills. “Here,” Justin told him holding a glass of water. “Thank god,” Brian said. Justin waited until Brian swallowed the pills before he left for his study. “God,” Brian groaned and hoped the pills worked quickly. He grabbed the duvet that Justin had brought and wrapped it around himself. Justin worked in his study for a few hours and when he came out Brian was sleeping. He went to the bed and grabbed his pillow and his duvet to come and be next to Brian. He pulled the love seat next to the long sofa where Brian was sleeping and went to sleep as well. “What are you doing?” Brian asked. Justin smirked and shrugged. “How are you feeling?” “Okay,” Brian muttered. “Do you want to go to bed?” Justin sat up on the sofa. “Do you need help?” “Do you want me to answer that?” Brian asked a bit irritated. Justin went to his room making sure that Brian was following. “It’s kind of cold,” Brian pointed out as he walked slowly to the bedroom. “Come one,” Justin said. “Get in bed and we’ll warm up.” Brian did and Justin threw both duvets over them. Then he started rubbing Brian’s arms. “Are you going to call the gang later on?” Brian asked. “Are you still thinking about that?” Justin asked. Brian sighed. “You don’t understand. They’re not like you.” “Like me?” Justin asked. “Yeah,” Brian told him. “It’s different with you.” Justin felt happy to hear Brian’s statement. “I wasn’t going to call them,” he muttered. “Don’t worry about it.” Brian closed his eyes surrendering to his exhausted state. He really didn’t think he could face everyone else. “You’re such a scary-cat,” Justin told him smirking. “What?” Brian asked. “I know you’re scared,” Justin said. “And that’s okay, I guess but I think you’re wrong. I think that they would help you out.” “You don’t know shit,” Brian hissed. “Yet, I’m the one that’s here,” Justin said. “How about that?” “Fuck you!” Brian hissed. “The doctor doesn’t think that would be a good idea,” Justin told him. “You fucking asked my doctor if we could fuck.” Brian asked his words full of anger. “Yes, I did my dear,” Justin told him. “Fuck you!” Brian shouted once again. “Is that the only curse words you know?” Justin asked. “Fuck you,” Brian whispered once again. “Apparently,” Justin muttered as he wrapped his arms around Brian’s torso. “Night.” Brian sighed. He stayed quiet but he couldn’t fall asleep. After a while he started caressing Justin’s hand. He brought it up to his mouth and kissed it. He was happy that the blond was there helping him. And it was true, he was scared. Justin was the only person he could stand to be with. “Thanks,” Brian whispered. Justin kept his eyes closed and his face expressionless, but he had heard the brunet. He was happy but he wasn’t going to make a big deal about it. If Brian only wanted him then that’s what the brunet would get. *** Stones taught me to fly Love taught me to lie Life taught to die Justin parked the car in front of his apartment and got out. He went inside the building to retrieve his mail. He ran up the stairs and entered the apartment. “Brian?” “What?” Brian asked sitting on the sofa. Justin walked to the table and dropped his keys and correspondence. “What are you doing?” “Nothing,” Brian replied as he smoked. “Should you be smoking?” Justin asked when he saw Brian smoking weed. Brian looked at the blond and shrugged. “Weed has a lot of cancerous agents in it,” Justin said grabbing the joint away from Brian. “The fuck it does,” Brian argued. “It does,” Justin said taking a deep puff and walking away with it. “Shit head,” Brian shouted at the blond. “I heard that,” Justin called out. “I meant for you to hear it,” Brian told him. “That’s why I was screaming it.” Justin chuckled as he walked to the fridge. “Did you eat anything?” Brian rolled his eyes and got up. He walked to the kitchen and leaned against the counter. “Where were you?” “I went to see Daphne,” Justin told him. “She needed some advice.” “On what?” Brian asked. “Boyfriend material,” Justin said smirking. “Can you believe that? She asked me.” Brian shook his head. “What do you want?” Justin asked. “Nothing,” Brian told him. “I’m not hungry and if I do eat I will probably end up sick in the bathroom an hour later.” “You haven’t in a long time,” Justin pointed out. “There still some soup that I can heat up.” Brian frowned. “Come on,” Justin told him. “Whatever,” Brian told him. “Good boy,” Justin said as he gave Brian the weed back. “What did you do today?” “I read a book,” Brian told him. “And I was...I looked at some of your paintings. I didn’t know if you would mind.” Justin shook his head. “What did you think and be honest?” “They’re good,” Brian said licking his lips before he took a long drag from the joint. Justin took out the bowl of soup and put it on the counter. He looked at Brian and they ended up staring at each other. “They...are you okay?” Brian asked. “I never thought this would affect you.” “You don’t like them?” Justin asked evading the question. “That’s not what I’m saying,” Brian replied. “They’re fucking amazing and they’re so full of emotion, almost like you left a piece of yourself. Frankly some of them scared me since they provoked such raw feelings.” Justin pouted but still didn’t say anything. “And another calmed me,” Brian whispered. He took another drag from the weed and stayed quiet. There was a knock on the door. “Are you waiting for someone?” Brian asked. Justin groaned as he walked to the door. When he opened it Michael was there. “What do you want?” “I wanted to ask you about something,” Michael told him. Justin arched a brow. “It’s about Brian,” Michael said. “What about him?” Justin asked as he stayed at the door so Michael couldn’t come inside. He wasn’t going to risk the man seeing Brian there. “Have you seen him?” Michael asked. He was worried out of his mind wondering where the brunet might be. “No,” Justin lied to him. “I haven’t.” “Cynthia said he was sick,” Michael told him. “Is that so?” Justin asked. “Yeah,” Michael said. “I mean. She didn’t actually say that. She just said that Brian had taken two weeks off so far and she didn’t know when he was coming back.” “So?” Justin asked. “Brian wouldn’t stop going to work if something wasn’t wrong,” Michael informed him. “I know him. I’m his best friend.” “What do I care?” Justin asked. “You know I don’t give a damn about you. Besides there is nothing I can do.” “God,” Michael hissed. “Don’t you care about Brian?” “You’re his best friend,” Justin pointed out. “You should know where he’s at and what he’s doing. So stop bothering me.” Michael hit the doorframe. “Jesus fuck! I think something might have happened to him. Do you not understand what I’m saying?” “I’m sure he’s alright,” Justin told him. “Don’t worry about him.” “He’s not answering my calls,” Michael told him. “You can get so annoying sometimes, Mikey,” Justin told him. “Maybe he’s hiding from you.” Brian smirked from where he was sitting. He was so grateful that Justin had lied to his best friend. “Fuck you,” Michael hissed. “Michael,” Justin said. “Look around. You’re insulting me in my home. I think you should leave now before I lose my patience” Michael took two steps back. “You’re good for nothing. You don’t care about him and I’ll make sure to tell him.” “He’s probably getting high and fucking everything that moves,” Justin told him. “You know him.” Michael shook his head. “I’m leaving.” “Bye, bye,” Justin then threw the door shut. He walked back to the kitchen. “He can get so annoying.” Brian sighed. “I should call him and tell him that I’m okay.” Justin nodded and watched the brunet walk away to make a call. He stayed in the kitchen preparing their food. When it was ready he served them and put everything on the table. He called Brian and the brunet appeared a few minutes later. They ate and talked some more about Justin’s paintings even though Justin kept evading most of the questions. Brian didn’t know what to do. “What did you tell Mikey?” Justin asked when they were done. “That I was away,” Brian said. “He believed me.” Justin nodded slowly and got up to clean the table. Brian took a deep breath as he got up. He frowned and slowly walked away from Justin and into the bathroom. He reached the toilet just in time. “Brian,” Justin said a little while later when he found Brian sitting on the floor. “Fuck, are you okay?” Brian shook his head. “Let me help you up,” Justin told him. “Don’t touch me,” Brian warned him. “Bri,” Justin whispered. “Just leave me alone,” Brian said. Justin straightened out and could see that Brian was angry. He nodded and left the man alone. He was outside in the living room pacing. He was worried that Brian wasn’t going to be able to get up. He ran his hands through his hair and looked up when he heard Brian walking up to him. “I’m going to bed,” Brian told him. “Do you need a pill or something?” Justin asked. “No,” Brian hissed. Justin followed the brunet to the room. “Brian, I’m only trying to help you.” “I know,” Brian said as he sat down on the bed. “It’s hard.” Justin sat next to him. “I feel like I’m dying some days,” Brian told him. The room was silent for a few seconds. Justin kissed Brian’s cheek. “You’re my life,” Justin whispered. “I feel like I’m dying some days as well. I let it out in my paintings. I get mad at this fucking life for doing this to us. And you, I get so mad at you when I try to help you and you won’t let me.” Brian frowned and stared at Justin. He caressed the blond’s face and realized that Justin was as affected by his illness as if he had the cancer. Brian suddenly comprehended that Justin had suffered with him instead of standing on the sidelines. “I’ll be stronger tomorrow,” he muttered. “And I’ll try to accept your help.” Justin kissed him on the temple and closed his eyes. His arms secured around the brunet. *** I’ve been drinking life while you been nauseous Justin felt like he was walking around on eggshells. He thought things would be better but he didn’t count on what came next. The day of the operation had came and went and now they were dealing with the results which among them where a very angry Brian. “Are you okay?” Justin asked. Brian pushed him away. “Fuck off!” “We talked about this,” Justin said. “This is different,” Brian yelled. “This is so fucking different!” Justin sighed and left Brian alone. He walked out and went straight to the mini bar. He grabbed the bottle of scotch and drank from the bottle. He took a deep breath and shut his eyes. He wasn’t going to let Brian win. He had to be stronger than that. He put the bottle away and headed to his studio. He tried to paint but he couldn’t. When he came back to the living room where Brian was sitting on the sofa frowning. Justin wanted to beat Brian up. The brunet should be grateful that he was okay or at least on his way to recovery but all that Brian could do was bitch and moan. Brian got up and walked away. Justin knew that the man wasn’t okay so he went to ask him if he needed anything. He went to the bathroom where Brian had ended up. He looked at Brian as the brunet analyzed himself in the mirror. “Look at me,” Brian whispered. He didn’t like what he saw. It wasn’t him, he would never be himself again or so he thought. Justin frowned when he heard Brian’s voice. The man sounded broken. “I look like I’m already dead,” Brian said. “That’s because you haven’t eaten much these past few weeks, Bri,” Justin told him. “You’ll get better. You will look like your old self,” Justin wasn’t even going to lie. He never did and he wasn’t going to start now. Brian did look like he was sick but he had faith that it would change. Brian’s eyes landed on Justin. “You look so beautiful.” Justin swallowed. “You’re perfect,” Brian informed him. “So are you,” Justin told him. “Not anymore,” Brian said as he groaned. “Fuck.” Justin could see that Brian was in pain again. “I’ll get you your pills.” “Fuck the pills!” Brian hissed. Justin sighed and moved to get them anyway. When he came back Brian was puking. “Don’t,” Brian said when Justin caressed his back. “Just leave me the fuck alone.” “I’m trying to help,” Justin repeated for the umpteen times in god knew how many times since Brian had gotten sick. “You want to help?” Brian asked as he slowly stood up. “Well, clean this up. It looks like a mess you can help with.” “Fuck you,” Justin hissed. “You clean it up.” “I thought you wanted to help,” Brian drawled. “And here I thought you were taking care of me.” “I am,” Justin said. “I’m just making sure that you don’t pass out on the floor and die. And I don’t mind cleaning after you, but I won’t let you use me like that. I’m trying to be nice about this and you’re being a total asshole.” Brian frowned. “I’m dying,” he blurted out. Justin rolled his eyes. “So dramatic, Em would be very proud of your Oscar performance.” “I could die,” Brian pointed out. “What if the cancer spread before they got to it? What then? What if they want to cut more of me?” “Then die already and stop bitching,” Justin said as he started to walk away. “The mop is in the closet along with the bucket and everything else you will need,” he said before he walked away from the apartment. Brian glared at the blond. He went to clean up the mess and when he was done he felt so tired. He went and sat down. He was so mad at Justin. He was mad with everything that was going on. The door opened and Justin came in with a brown bag. Brian arched a brow. “What’s that?” “None of your business,” Justin told him. Brian pouted. Justin sat down to eat his food. He had bought something for Brian as well but he wasn’t telling the brunet. He was so angry with him. He only was trying to help and Brian could only scream at him. The rest of the day they ignored each other. Justin took a shower first and then went to sleep. Then Brian did the same. “Thank you,” Brian said after a while of lying next to the blond. “For what?” Justin asked as he looked at Brian. “For not treating me like a useless piece of shit,” Brian told him. Justin turned towards the brunet and kissed him. “You’re not a useless piece of shit, Brian. You’re just sick for the moment but you will get better. Then you can go back to being the asshole you love to be. But right now you’re being extra annoying.” “I’m not annoying,” Brian told him. “You are,” Justin disagreed. “I know you’re mad, okay. I know that but I won’t let you take it out on me.” Brian sighed. “Fine.” “Good,” Justin said and closed his eyes. The room was quiet but none of them were sleeping. Brian was moving in the bed not able to find a comfortable spot and Justin wondered what he could do. He was tired of fighting and he wanted to go to sleep. “Shit,” Brian grumbled. “What is it?” Justin asked half asleep. “I’m missing a ball,” Brian told him. “What the fuck do you think? I feel weird and I can’t sleep.” Justin opened his eyes slowly. He turned to look at the outline of the man. “What do you feel?” “I feel bad, Justin,” Brian told him. “I’m missing my ball. Fuck, it’s not right.” “It does not feel weird,” Justin told him as he closed his eyes again. He was so fucking tired and wanted to sleep for a while before he strangled the brunet. “You’re still sensitive since you got the operation only two days ago. You’re healing but that’s all.” “That’s not all,” Brian told him. Justin licked his lips. “You just think it feels weird because you know isn’t there. Now go to sleep.” “I can’t sleep,” Brian pointed out. Justin turned on his side and started caressing Brian stomach. “Come on now, it could be worse. You could be missing a finger and now, that is something that people would know about. They could see it right away. You have to stop worrying. No one knows and they will never have to know.” “But I would know even if no one else did. Plus I would still feel weird,” Brian told him. “What the fuck do you know? You’re not missing a ball.” “If I go cut one out will you shut up about you damn missing ball and go to sleep?” Justin asked. Brian grunted. After a while Justin opened his eyes. “Are you thinking about the answer?” “Yes,” Brian replied. Justin scoffed. “You’re fucking obsessed with this thing.” Brian turned his head to look at Justin. “You don’t know what this is like.” “Fine, I don’t,” Justin told him. “Could you go to sleep now?” Brian kept quiet for a while and then asked, “Would you still be here if I was missing a finger or a hand or a leg?” “Well, seeing how you’re missing half your brain, I’m going to go with yes,” Justin drawled. “You little shit,” Brian told him smirking. Justin smiled and moved closer to Brian. “Look, Brian, I know this is hard for you. I know that you must have a million questions that I won’t be able to answer and I can’t sympathize with you because it’s not happening to me. But I’m here for you and I care for you. And if I was going to leave you I would’ve done so in the beginning.” Brian turned to look at Justin. “Okay.” “Good,” Justin muttered. “Night, Bri.” “Goodnight, Sunshine,” Brian whispered with a smile. *** A thousand other boys Could never reach you How could I’ve been the one? Justin rubbed his shoulders as he sat on Daphne’s living room. “You look a bit stressed,” Daphne said. “I am,” Justin told her. “I don’t want to leave,” Daphne told him. “I can stay.” “Oh, please,” Justin told her. “You have always spent Christmas with your family.” “I could stay,” Daphne suggested. “Really.” Justin shook his head. “Go with them.” “I could stay two more days and then go,” Daphne said. “Daph,” Justin hissed. “Jesus, woman. It’s going to be okay. I’m just a tiny bit stressed.” Daphne sat next to him. “How’s Brian?” “He’s better,” Justin informed her. “Are you going to be okay?” Daphne asked. Justin swallowed and nodded. “I’m fine.” “Right,” Daphne drawled. “I’m just trying so hard to help him,” Justin told her as his eyes watered. “And I’m scared that the cancer is going to come back and fuck our lives again.” Daphne rubbed her friend’s back. “That’s not going to happen.” “You don’t know that,” Justin told her. “Right,” Daphne muttered. “But, if it happens you will get through it like you have been doing.” Justin nodded. “I guess. He’s been cooperating lately.” “That’s good,” Daphne told him. “I’m sure that you guys will be there for each other no matter what.” “But what if something happens to him and he can’t be there for me? What if he’s taken away from me?” Justin asked and got up quickly as she shook his head. “I don’t want you to answer that.” “Jus,” Daphne sighed. “Don’t think about it so much. It’s good now so enjoy it.” Justin nodded and looked at his watch. “I’m going back home. Brian is going to be home soon.” “He didn’t want you to go with him?” Daphne asked. “I thought he had agreed.” “Yeah,” Justin told her. “But he’s getting stronger now that they aren’t bombarding him with chemo.” Daphne nodded slowly. “He’s a stubborn man.” “I know,” Justin said smirking. “I’m going to go. You have fun.” “I will,” Daphne assured him. “Say hi to him for me.” Justin kissed her and hugged her before he left. By the time he got home Brian was already there. “Hey,” Brian said. “I was waiting for you.” “Yeah?” Justin asked as he closed the door. “I’m going home tonight,” Brian said. Justin licked his lips and nodded. “Cool.” “I’m better,” Brian muttered as he looked at Justin. Justin moved to stand in front of Brian. “What did the doctor say?” “Today was the last time,” Brian drawled. “No more chemo.” Justin smiled at that. “Good.” “The doctor said I got a great Christmas present,” Brian drawled. Justin frowned. “Because I got the present of a clean bill of health,” Brian said. “I think he’s right,” Justin said as he sat down. Brian caressed Justin’s face. “You never left.” Justin smiled and leaned closer to kiss the brunet. Brian kissed him briefly. “I think you should go out for a while,” Brian suggested. Justin smirked and shook his head. “I’m okay. I’ll go out later.” Brian nodded slowly. They stayed quiet for a few seconds. “Are you hungry?” Justin asked. Brian smiled. “No.” Justin laughed. “I like taking care of you.” “I know,” Brian replied. “I didn’t mind it that much, I guess.” Justin leaned back on the sofa. “I didn’t think it would be like this,” Brian said. “What do you mean?” Justin asked. “I thought it would be easier,” Brian informed him. “I though I was going to be able to do it alone.” Justin was glad that he had been there for Brian. “I mean if you weren’t here I would’ve probably done it alone,” Brian said. “But it would’ve been a nightmare.” Justin leaned closer to Brian. His arms wrapped around the taller man. “And you made it tolerable,” Brian whispered. Justin smiled and looked at Brian. “Good.” “What is so special about you?” Brian asked as he caressed Justin’s face. “I could ask you the same thing,” Justin muttered. Brian kissed him briefly. “Stop that,” Justin said smiling. Brian stared at Justin and then looked away. “God.” “What?” Justin asked. “It’s nothing,” Brian assured him. “What are you thinking about?” Justin asked. Brian stayed quiet for a few second and then said, “I was terrified.” The brunet looked at the floor and then at the blond. “I thought that one of these days I was going to wake up and you weren’t going to be there; that you would get tired of my shit and leave.” “I thought about it,” Justin said. “But you give great head and you’re so tight. Where am I going to get that?” Brian laughed his hold tightening on Justin. “I know,” but that answer was for the words that Justin wasn’t saying and both of them knew it. “You’re back to your old self,” Justin pointed out with a big smile. “Cocky as ever.” “Just like you said I would be,” Brian whispered. “I’m never wrong,” Justin said. Brian grinned and the rest of the time they enjoyed holding on to one another. Brian could have gone home but he didn’t and Justin didn’t point it out.
Thanks to Rory who helped me out. She let me asked her so many questions and was so nice about it. Love you girl.