A/N: For those of you reading "Where Home Is" don't despair. I am working on the next installment of that one as we speak. This story has been tossing around in my head for so long I finally decided to write it down before I lost it. Let me know what you think. The good, the bad, the truly retched. I live for constructive criticism and am constantly striving to improve my writing. Enjoy ************************************************************************ Chapter 1 – How did we get here Brian couldn’t believe the pain he felt watching Justin walk away from him and into the arms of the other boy. Even though he knew it was for the best, it still sliced him to the core. Glancing around he noticed his ‘best friend’ give him a look and begin to walk toward him. Slipping the Rage mask back down over his eyes he spared one last glance toward his boy’s retreating form before pulling the closest guy toward him and started dancing. Somewhere in the back of his mind he heard an oft repeated phrase, ‘when all else fails, keep on dancing’. The exact phrase my have been ‘keep on smiling’, but he was too far into his tried and true pain management techniques. Slowly he let the drugs and booze wipe away the look of devastation on Justin’s face. **** “Ethan, thanks for helping me get out of there.” Justin stopped their forward movement and placed his hand on Ethan’s arm. “You didn’t have to do that and I appreciate it. More than you will ever know.” He turned to walk away, but Ethan’s grip on his arm stopped him. “Justin, I didn’t lie to you. I can’t stop thinking about you. Why don’t you come home with me? We can sort out what else to do after watching the sun come up.” Ethan tugged on his arm, trying to lead him away from Babylon. “I’m sorry, Ethan, but right now I need to go home…to the loft and…” He didn’t finish before Ethan screamed at him. “You can’t seriously be thinking of going back to that asshole. Not after the way he’s treated you.” “No, but I can’t go with you either. Something has been seriously wrong with me for a while. I’ve lost myself and it’s time I find me again. I’ve loved Brian Kinney since I first laid eyes on him. I may not like him right now, but I’m his. I may always be.” Justin sighed, not wanting to hurt Ethan, but wanting him to understand why he couldn’t’ be with him. “Right now I don’t like the person I’ve become and I need time to figure out who I want to be.” “Justin, you’re who you are because he forced you to be that.” “That’s not fair. I had a choice. I could have said no.” “And gotten kicked out of your home. What kind of choice is that?” “I could have moved back in with Debbie. I’ve lived there before. Brian helped me after the bashing. He helped me relearn how to be touched. How to walk down the street without freaking the fuck out.” “And turned you into his whore, pimping you out to whichever trick was on tap for the evening.” Spat Ethan. “It was my choice. And most of it was fun, at the time. He always protected me and put an immediate stop to whatever was going on if I felt uncomfortable.” Justin pleaded with is eyes for Ethan to understand, but it was pointless. Ethan’s next words only confirmed it. “Damnit, Justin, think of everything he exposed you to. You could have gotten hurt, or worse, contracted some disease.” “My choice. Besides, the first lesson Brian ever taught me was how to protect myself and minimize the risks.” “But I thought you wanted more than that, more than nameless, faceless tricks?” “I do, and that’s why I’m leaving. Look, I have no regrets about my time with Brian. Would I do some things differently given the chance? The orgy with his mother’s priest at the baths? Probably. The hustler birthday gift? Definitely, but each of those events led me to here. And while it hurts like hell and I’m fucking heartbroken I’m not enough for him, it’s all helping me to become the ‘best homosexual I can be’. But it’s time I define that for myself instead of letting Brian, Mikey, Debbie, or even you tell me what that means.” At the end of his diatribe, Justin kissed Ethan on the cheek and turned to leave. “Justin, will you at least call me and let me know when you’ve figured it out and that you’re okay?” “Sure. Once I’ve figured out what okay is.” Ethan watched Justin disappear, hoping the artist would be alright. Running his hand through his hair and sighing dramatically, he turned and walked back to his apartment. Alone. **** Once back at the loft Justin spent little time gathering his things. He packed a few clothes to get him through a couple of weeks. His toiletries, okay his toothbrush and bottles of Brian’s shampoo, conditioner, and sap was tossed carelessly on top of his underwear. His sketch pads and pencils were tossed haphazardly into his messenger bag. He looked lovingly toward his computer, but realized there was no way he could take it along. He sat at Brian’s desk composing a letter telling Brian all that he was afraid to say to the love-phobic man’s face. With a resigned sigh, knowing he had no other options open to him at this time of night, Justin pulled out the envelope from the very back of the desk drawer. Taking out the stack of hundreds Brian kept for emergencies after Vic’s untimely arrest he replaced them with the letter and placed the envelope back in its place. Wiping the tears from his face, he took one last look around the place he had called home fore the last year or so. “Bye, Brian. I hope you find the love you deserve. You deserve to be happy. I just wish it could have been with me. I love you.” He walked to the door, slinging his bags over his shoulder. He set the alarm, closed the door, and walked down the stairs for the last time. **** Several hours later a drugged out, drunken Brian was led into his loft by Michael who put him to bed and silently left. It wasn’t until the next morning that he realized Justin had been by to pick up his things.