I’m hiding in here.  Justin knows it, but at least he’s not hounding me.  I can hear the TV, so I know he and John must be watching something.  I also know that when John goes to bed, Justin will come in here.  He’ll want to tell me he’s going to bed or something.  Just to let me know that he needs me.  That he wants me to come to bed shortly thereafter.  I smile to myself.  It’s the little game we play after we’ve been angry with one another or dealt with something like what has been hanging over us since Saturday.

I’ve been thinking while I’ve been pretending to work.  I remember the day I went to the doctor about ‘The Lump’.  When I looked at that x-ray and the doctor told me it was a seminoma, cancer, I thought my life had come to an end.  I mean, everyone who gets cancer dies.  At least, that’s what I’d always believed.  My old man died of cancer.  

And, I could just picture myself wasting away.  Picture Justin fussing over me trying to make me ‘more comfortable’.  I could see the affect it would have on John.  Christ, he just lost his Mother, Brother and Grandmother a few months ago and now this.

Then, I turned to face Justin.  And, while I did see concern in his eyes, I also saw love and hope and everything - and I do mean everything - I have ever had to live for looking back at me.  How could I even think about giving up knowing that there was someone who loved me so much, who could look at me like that knowing that our time together could be cut short?

I know I don’t say it to him, but I do love Justin.  More than anything.  He’s my Sunshine.  My life was very dark when he wasn’t in it and I didn’t even realize it.  Not until that first bright shining ray of light shone through did I know that I had been lost in the dark.  He brightened every corner.  He cast light on my every deep dark secret, on the long forgotten need for love and belonging, on my cold hard heart.  And, being back in that cold dark place for just the short time I was when he left with Ian, made his return all the more amazing.  All the more wonderful.  And, all the more frightening.  

I made up my mind in that instance that I would fight back.  As hard and as long as I needed to.  I had to.  I couldn’t be responsible for extinguishing the light in Justin’s eyes.  For destroying the Sunshine.  My Sunshine.

Then there was the surgery.  The trip to Johns Hopkins.  Justin right by my side the whole time refusing to be anything less than a rock.  I can’t even begin to tell you what it was like to open my eyes and find him laying next to me.  He was trying so hard to hold me without nudging the bandage around the incision.  Always taking care of me.  And, he still is.  

This whole problem I have with fucking is big.  At least it is for me.  And, I know everything that Justin said is right.  I did just have surgery and regardless of how in shape I am, they opened me up.  That takes a toll.  But, this is something that bothers me more than losing my ball.  It’s the one thing I have that I can usually do no matter what.  And, then *poof*, just like that, it’s gone and I can’t do it.  You have no idea what that can do to a person.  It’s made me question everything about myself.  Made me feel wrong.  Broken.  Imperfect.

Then the Burkes drop their fucking bombshell.  They want to take John away.  I may not be anyone’s idea of father-of-the-year, but I really love that kid.  He’s taught me more about myself, what I can do, than I ever imagined.  And, he’s a great kid.  A little bit of a smart ass, but that he gets honest.  It runs in the Kinney blood, I’m sure.  But, a great kid.  He sees and understands more than anyone, my mother and my sister included, ever gave him credit for.  And these people who call themselves his grandparents want to throw a monkey wrench into the works.  They want to rip him out of my life because I fuck guys.  

I sometimes forget that there are people out there who see me as a deviant.  Who see what I have with Justin as an abomination – don’t you love that word – who see us as abnormal.  Then I was so politely reminded by two people I haven’t even seen in 15 fucking years.  As if they know anything about my life or me.  As if they could possibly know what’s best for John.  I think between his Father, Justin and me, we’ve been doing a damn good job.  

All I could think about, though, was a long-assed court battle.  Having to drag my family and my life into the spotlight.  And, God knows my sexual background would have to come out.  There isn’t any way that it wouldn’t and since no one, not even my so-called best friend, believes that I could ever change, it would have been an open and shut case even with Burke testifying against his parents.  They’re straight.  They, of course, would have to be better parents than two fags. 

I can’t begin to express how shocked I was that Mrs. Burke was the one to put a stop to it.  I mean if anyone could win the Joan Kinney award for close-mindedness, it would have been her.  Maybe it’s a maternal thing.  Maybe she actually cares about Burke and John.  When she said what she did, I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders.  I felt better, lighter than I have since before, well, hell, since before Justin walked out on me.  

And, I realized something.  Justin’s still here.  Despite the break up, and the bullshit, and the cancer, and the sudden parenthood, he’s still here.  And, all of a sudden the fear and apprehension I felt the last time we tried to fuck, make love, whatever, didn’t mean anything anymore.  The only thing that means anything to me is going to come through the door of my study and let me know for perhaps the millionth time that I’m loved and I’m needed and I belong.  That’s what matters.  

So, I’m making myself a solemn promise to be a better partner to Justin.  To be an even better guardian to John and father to Gus.  To be a better friend to Michael and Ben and Emmett and even Ted.   To try harder to tolerate Melanie’s B.S. for Lindsay’s sake.  To show Debbie that she is my True Mother.  The mother I would have chosen for myself.  To be a better man.  To be the man they have helped me become.  

I can hear John telling Justin good night and shortly thereafter I hear Justin switch off the TV.  He’s on his way down the hall now.  I can’t hear his footsteps exactly because he’s in his socks, but I know he’s coming.  

“Brian.”  Justin calls as he opens the door.  

When he moves in behind me and slips his arms down around my shoulders, I’m lost.  This is what I need.  He is all I need.  His touch.  His scent.  I sigh and lean back into him. 

“Long fucking day.”  I say pulling him into my lap.  I know he feels my erection.  It’s been pressing against the fabric of my jeans since I heard the TV turn off.  

He says something about that fucking tea he made for me, yeah, like that made a difference.  Uck!  No, no tea or elixir or wonder cure could make me feel half of what Justin makes me feel.  

I woke up later that night or early the next morning, I’m not sure which, and looked down at the top of Justin’s head.  I can, at times like this, say the words that catch in my throat when he’s awake and looking at me.  I can say them and mean them without hesitation.  So I do.

“I love you, Justin.”  I whispered against the softness of his hair.  He stirs slightly, but doesn’t wake up.  

I know he knows that I love him, but I think that telling him more often is going to be part of the promise I made to myself to be a better partner.  Starting in the morning.  I look at the clock.  It’s 2:44.  Well, this morning.  I smile to myself, yawn and then pull Justin closer to me before allowing myself to drift back to sleep once again.

The end.