Author's Notes:
Without the fantabulous KJ – y’all could have ended up reading something like this - “And Justin missed Brian... and Brian missed Justin.... and then... uh... some stuff happened to Justin, and it sucked, and he was sad and wished that he could just see his Brian again, but on the other end of the world, uh, Brian was sad too. And that was just....uh...sad.” Thanks for helping jumpstart my muse KJ!
Also please be aware the time moves pretty quickly through this chapter, I do apologize if you feel you are getting shortchanged – but the faster we get through the yucky war stuff the faster we can get to the yucky love stuff.
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January 1, 1863
Justin's POV
When I wake in the morning I'm incredibly uncomfortable, the new sleeping arrangements here in the camps have made war somehow worse than it was before. I roll over slightly and hear the crinkling noise of Brian's letter still close to my heart; and somehow the day seems to have gotten better already.
After whatever is going to happen today happens, I'll sit down to write a response to him.
A day long march, with one skirmish in the middle, and I find myself finally able to sit down and write to Brian.
Dear Brian,
I received your letter yesterday as the men around the campfire were drunkenly enjoying the New Year; I was sitting glumly missing you. The letter now resides next to my heart where it can keep the organ warm. I wish I could say more now, but I promise to tell you the extent of my feelings about your words when I return.
I'm getting weary of this war always happening because of chance. We just seem to stumble into the union troops and then start fighting. Planned battles are rare it seems. Usually we know there must be trouble ahead, but not always how imminent it might be. I miss the routine that we had going, it felt comfortable, it felt familiar, and it felt right; this feels wrong.
I have returned now to a different war. The comforts we so foolishly clung to and carried around with us before are gone now. They are gone and in their place is expediency and efficiency. One such efficiency is that we now share a bed roll with another soldier. Each of us carries one blanket and one oilcloth. We then make a sandwich with the oilcloths on the bottom next to the ground and on the top to shield us from the rain and snow. Oh how I wish it were you that I lay next to each night.
When we first began this war we did not believe this war would last long. We could not conceive of how much ground we would travel. Rations have become quite short it seems. Men are dying from starvation and from the diseases that poor diet allows. Most men have stopped carrying changes of clothes with them to ease their knapsack load during marches. Changes of undergarments are rare. Whenever you should think upon it if you could send some clothes I would appreciate it. We discard the old used up ones when new parcels arrive.
I now regret not considering more seriously the idea of not returning.
I hope to see you again soon,
Justin
Army of the Shenandoah
2nd Regiment
March 16th, 1863
It's been a long couple of months back in the army. I've tried hard to keep my spirits up, but most days I fail miserably. I read the well worn letter that Brian sent me on New Year's as often as I can get away with. His letters are really the only thing I look forward too, so I was upset about his most recent letter. Oddly it wasn't so much the content as it was that he had to be the bearer of such news. I can't really say bad news; because I'm not sure I feel it is bad. I feel indifferent; I just wish it didn't make me apprehensive of his next letter.
Letter received early that day……
My dear Justin,
I am sorry to be the one to have to tell you this. Your father is dead. He died in prison, he had fallen ill and the damp nature of his stone room did not aid in any recovery.
Your mother wanted to write to you telling you this, but I am hoping that if it comes from me it will soften the blow of the news.
You are missed.
Keep yourself well.
Brian
I honestly don't know how I feel about Craig's death. I wrote him off with that letter I wrote to him. So why should this affect me? I mostly feel for my mother, now that he is gone for good, and I'm gone she has no one. I hope she can manage on her own until this war is over. I'll send her a letter later. Right now I don't have time to grieve or worry, I have to get ready to continue today's march. I grab my gear and join the ranks, forgetting all about the man I once called my father.
April 4th, 1863
I've found myself in some deep trouble here in camp. I got careless. A corporal named Mark found the letter of Brian's I kept with me. His reaction is not one I ever considered. My fear, as well as Brian's, was that I would get hurt if anyone ever discovered the truth. I also briefly considered the improbably possibility of another man wanting me the same way Brian does. But this, this I never expected.
It all started about three days ago when I realized my letter was missing. I was in a panic but unfortunately finding it didn't help, it only made it worse. Mark didn't take long to approach me. The disgust was clearly shown on his face even while he was faking niceties.
Three days ago
"Taylor!"
I turned around to see who was calling my name and my stomach churned at the sight of Mark. He is a corporal in our regiment and he has always given me a bad feeling.
"Yes sir?" I said with all the politeness that my upbringing could help me muster.
"Let's get right to the point. I found your letter."
Oh god no. Suddenly I was more afraid of dying in camp than in battle. I guessed that I had a couple of options as my response. I could've pretended that I didn't know what he was talking about, but that would mean denying who I am and I just couldn't do that. So I guess that just leaves me being honest and dealing with what comes next.
"Well I'd like that letter back please."
"Oh no, I don't think that will be possible. You see I read the letter. And I think it is part of my job to keep tabs on the sick soldiers. You are the sickest I have seen yet." He said it with a sneer while his eyes slowly roved up and down my body. The look he gave me made my hair stand on end.
"You don't know what you are talking about. And even if you did it wouldn't make any difference."
"I think it does make a difference, boy, if you want to stay alive you'll do what I say from now on."
"What does that mean? What do you want?" I hate the slight quiver I hear in my voice.
"You'll let me do what I want whenever I want. You are small, with delicate skin and soft blonde hair, you are practically a woman. Men have desires, but so many of the men who have been with the service women in various towns are now sick or dead with disease. I should not have that problem with you."
"Listen Mark, I…"
"Excuse me Corporal can I see you a minute?" Oh thank god someone came by and interrupted our conversation, as I have no idea how I would have gotten out of it.
"I'll see you again soon Private Taylor."
Back to present time
It was after that when things really started to get bad. I've had to be creative to avoid Mark. Instead of going off on my own during the evenings I stay around the campfire for as long as possible. I've made a show of making new friends and trying to be around them as much as possible, so he never has the opportunity to approach me. I'm using his disgust for mine and Brian's lifestyle against him. He could never allow anyone to know what he wants. He keeps harassing me. If he wanted to hurt me I could understand that. But he doesn't. He wants to use me, or rather use my body.
I'm not sure what to do. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to avoid him. I've also got to tell Brian. I know he'll go out of his mind, but he deserves to know.
Brian,
I have some disturbing news. The letter you wrote to me just after I left home was discovered by a man here at camp. He has responded in a way that you and I had not considered in our discussions about this. He wants me to let him use my body as a replacement for his wife. I've been able to avoid him so far, having to share my bedroll with another man helps. However, Mark is an officer and given some time he can probably arrange for me to become available to him.
I'm going to think of something. I promise you Brian he will not touch me.
Love,
Justin
Army of the Shenandoah
2nd Regiment
April 11th, 1863
Dear Brian,
Our Mark problem has been solved. I don't have much time to write now. Just know that I have been transferred to another army in the confederate forces. I will be part of General Lee's Army of Northern Virginia.
Avoiding Mark has become slightly easier, I've made a couple of friends that I find a way to be around constantly. The only sad thing about my solution to the Mark problem is that I will once again have to lose friends.
Justin
Army of the Shenandoah
April 22, 1863
Dear Brian,
I'm leaving today to travel north a little ways now to be assigned to a new regiment. I can't tell you how incredibly relieved I am to be leaving my current regiment. Mark was persistent in his pursuit of me.
To be honest he's gotten close a couple times to getting what he wanted. I want to assure you he would not have gotten what he wanted. I would have fought him to the death if necessary. An opportunity when my training in combat would have really come in handy. Like I said he got close a couple of times, but never quite close enough.
I'll be with my new regiment soon, and I'll write to you once I get there.
Justin
Army of the Shenandoah
May 6, 1863
Dear Brian,
I've finally gotten settled in with my new unit. I'm sorry I didn't write sooner. Not long after I got assigned here we were marching north in part of Lee's plan to take this war north, and ended up in a three long day battle in Chancellorsville.
The war seems to get harder each day. More and more I'm losing friends in battle. This time I hadn't even had the chance to make any friends.
Brian I'm not sure how much more I can take of this. Everyday I feel a little bit more of myself slipping away. I managed to get away from Mark relatively unscathed, but I'm still fighting for things I never believed in.
Please keep me in your thoughts, it's the only way I get through; know you are waiting for me to return.
Justin,
Army of Northern Virginia
Lt. Gen. A.P. Hill's Third Army Corps
Mahone's Brigade
June 15, 1863
Dear Brian,
Life in Hill's Corps is not nearly the same as it was in Jackson's. A.P. Hill, who is called by many Red, often is in disagreement with Lieutenant General Longstreet. There is increasing dissatisfaction amongst the ranks.
On Lee's orders we are making our way into Pennsylvania. Skirmishes are happening almost everyday now.
I miss you terribly Brian. I'm not sure how much longer I can be here.
Justin
Army of Northern Virginia
Lt. Gen. A.P. Hill's Third Army Corps
Mahone's Brigade
June 30, 1863
Dear Brian,
We've been given the go ahead orders into a town called Gettysburg. Brigadier General Buford's division is occupying the town and we are making ready to go drive Buford away and occupy this town ourselves.
Once again I feel so close to you in distance and yet so far away. I've been seriously reconsidering the idea of desertion you brought up when I was home.
I will go fight in this next battle, and then make my decision. I must stop writing now and give this to the post boy; we are ready to make our way into Gettysburg.
Justin
Army of Northern Virginia
Lt. Gen. A.P. Hill's Third Army Corps
Mahone's Brigade