AN: Thanks to my beta KJ who is currently writing a 15 page paper for school yet still finds time to beta for me. Love ya! To De who is going through a difficult time right now – I love you – and hang in there – but remember to cherish the ‘moments’. This chapter is based on Rascal Flatt’s song “I’m Movin’ On” – if you want to hear this song – I suggest you try listening on itunes or something – it’s from their first album and is no longer playing on their website. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons Finally content with a past I regret
I walked away from that bridge and that homeless man, Vic, feeling content. I can’t help but reflect on how odd it is to feel content just moments after almost ending my life. But it’s how I feel now. Vic helped me to realize that this wasn’t the end of a lifelong journey, just the beginning of a new ‘life’. I had such regrets about the way I was living my life. Lying to Lindsay all these years is probably my biggest regret. I hope in time she will forgive me and we can manage to forge some sort of friendship again. I am going to try and live the rest of my life without anymore regrets. No regrets from now on; I’ll try that.
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness For once I'm at peace with myself
I catch a cab back to my hotel because lord knows I don’t want to walk any more tonight. As the feeling of contentment came over me so did the overwhelming exhaustion. My regrets and, my pain were the only thing holding me up and now that I’ve faced those things on that bridge I just want to rest. Back in the hotel now, I strip quickly leaving my clothes in a rumpled pile on the floor by the bed and go into the bathroom. I look around me and long for the large shower we had put in the house and the extra large water heater so I can soak my weary bones for a long time. Unfortunately, I’ll have to make do with a small hotel shower stall. Stepping under the spray I make the water as hot as I can stand it without burning myself and just let the water cascade down my body. Bending my head forward I watch as droplets of water run off the tip of my nose and fall to the tiles below. Eventually the water turns cold and I reluctantly turn it off, dry myself off, and climb into bed. As I sink into the warmth of the sheets it occurs to me that I’ve never slept naked before. When I was growing up it was a fear of my parents coming in the room, then in college I had a roommate to share my small space with, then with Lindsay she found it ‘unseemly and unsanitary’; but it’s something I have always wanted to do. And now I am going to do it.
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long I'm movin' on
When I woke up this morning I realized that it was time to start moving on with my new life. It has only been about a week since I came out to Lindsay and to my mother – but it feels like much longer than that. I’ve been stuck for too long in a situation I didn’t want to be in. Feeling so responsible for it, so lost in it, and now that I am free from that false life I am ready to start my new one. I pack up the meager belongings I brought with me to this hotel and check out. I can tell the desk clerk is surprised that I am leaving since I originally told them I would be staying indefinitely. Well the indefinite future became a little more definite this morning; I’m moving on.
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces Each one is different but they're always the same They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it They'll never allow me to change But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong I'm movin' on
It’s Monday morning at Kinnetik again and it is easy to find comfort in the familiar rush of a work morning. I am probably the only one in the building who is happier this morning at work than I was yesterday morning. After Cynthia and I are done going over this mornings’ messages and reviewing my schedule for the day I ask her to clear my schedule for tomorrow and to find me a realtor. She gives me a peculiar look but does as I request. A half hour later I’ve got an appointment for nine o’clock the next morning with a Jennifer Taylor. I consider confiding in Cynthia, I think she would understand, but the fear of losing yet another significant woman in my life in a week’s time is overwhelming so I withhold explanations for now. I start to think about Joan, Lindsay and Cynthia. All the women that are important to my life in some way. Joan I know is gone from my life for good. Lindsay I pray will forgive me with time. Joan and Lindsay have always wanted me to be the ideal son/husband in their own minds, but Cynthia has never had the same expectations from me. But will she allow me to change? Will she resist my efforts to become the man I want to be? I hope not. Tuesday morning arrives, as does Jennifer Taylor promptly at 8:55am. Cynthia shows her into my office and I feel a tingle of excitement as I think about getting out into the world again, this Jennifer is my key. “Good Morning.” “Good Morning Mr. Kinney. It’s nice to meet you. Shall we get started?” “Yes please, it’s been quite awhile since I’ve done this, so you’ll have to point me in the right direction.” “No problem. First why don’t you tell me what kind of place that you are looking for, what you don’t want, and maybe an area of town you would prefer, then we can go from there.” “Well I guess I just need space big enough for me, but I don’t want to feel cramped either. I don’t want a typical starter house either. This is just going to be for me, not for a family so additional rooms and extra baths aren’t really necessary. I want to stay inside the city limits, preferably near Liberty Avenue but not on it.” “Are you gay Mr. Kinney?” “Excuse me? What does that matter?” I’m floored by how forward her question is and consider dismissing her when she quickly speaks again. “Oh no, I’m sorry I didn’t mean that in any negative way! I’ve just had a few clients who do now know that that area of town is predominately gay men and women. I’ve mistakenly assumed they knew in the past and then had some irate clients once they found out. Please forgive me for being so forward.” “Oh, uh well okay. It’s fine, don’t worry about it. But to answer your question; yes I am.” It feels so strange, but the more I admit it, the easier it becomes. “Very good. Again, I’m so sorry for being rude. I think I’ve been hanging out with a certain brash friend of mine too long, her forthrightness is rubbing off.” “It’s fine, really. Let’s move on.” “Okay, well I think I have enough of an idea to get us started. I’ll go back to my office and generate a list of places for us to look at this afternoon and be back say about Noon?” “That sounds great. Thank you.” I stand and walk her out to the front door, shaking her hand once again as she leaves. I return to my office with a tingling of excitement coursing through my veins and I’m not sure I will be able to focus for the next few hours. ~**~ Jennifer has shown me four townhomes so far and I’m starting to feel dismayed with this process. When she left my office this morning I thought we had an understanding of what I wanted, but the homes she has shown me so far would indicate otherwise. For one thing, they are homes, and for another they are not as upscale as I can afford. I guess if I want to truly try living with no regrets I have to speak up more for what I actually want; I’ll give that a try. “Frankly Jennifer, nothing you have shown me so far is even close to what I am looking for. I’m sorry I can’t tell you exactly what I want, but the last two homes are what I do not want.” “I’m so sorry Mr. Kinney, there wasn’t a whole lot available right now that met your specifications, but I do have one more place on the list that is much different from these houses. We could skip the other houses and go straight to that one if you’d like.” “Anything would be better than more of the same at this point. Please let’s go look at this one you say is different.” I think she senses my disbelief in her ability to find what I am looking for, and while I know I should feel some guilt for that I simply don’t. That lack of guilt is comforting. No longer feeling guilty for everything that relates to a woman in my life is a wonderful change of pace. When she stops along what looks like a warehouse on the corner of Tremont Street I start to seriously consider getting a cab and leaving her standing in front of this building. “I know how it looks Mr. Kinney, but just give it a chance, please.” She pleads and I nod my head solemnly. We take an old freight type elevator up to the third floor, which is coincidentally the top floor, and it opens up to reveal one solitary large metal door. I’m starting to think my realtor is on drugs when she pulls open the door and at first glance of the inside I know that I am home. It’s strange to feel a sense of home for a place you’ve never been in, but I do feel that way. Stepping over the threshold I take in the open floor plan, the hardwood floors, the exposed beams, the large windows, and I’m sold.
I'm movin' on At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
It’s been two weeks since I came out to Lindsay. One week since my aborted attempt to end my life, and five hectic days since I bought my new place. One of the conditions I had given Jennifer was that the place would be move in ready. The loft was empty but that was the problem. No one lived there, but there were also no appliances or furniture. She helped me work out an incredible deal that would allow me to do whatever construction inside the loft that I wanted. I spent the next day interviewing contractors, and finally found one who promised the work that needed to be done could be finished in two weeks. Of course telling him money was no object helped speed things along as well. I’ve arranged to have all the fixtures imported from Italy. The only thing I bought locally was an awesome platform bed that was delivered two days ago. I’ve been living and sleeping amongst sawdust and construction chaos, but loving every minute of it. Tonight I was reflecting on my conversation with Vic on E street bridge, and I recall him telling me that I needed to go down to Liberty Avenue. So tonight I find myself in the classic corvette that I just bought myself driving down Liberty Avenue just to get the lay of the land. There are lots of bars and clubs, some look interesting, and some look scary. The Gravel Pit? Is that supposed to sound appealing?
There comes a time in everyone's life When all you can see are the years passing by And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
I’ve circled the area a few times now; the most popular club seems to be one called Babylon. Sitting at the light across the street from it I see a group of young men, they all look to be in their early 20’s and are having the time of their lives. I can’t help but feel like I’ve cheated myself out of something important. The time that every gay man deserves; to party, have fun, to sample all there is out there. I know I’m not ready for a serious relationship with a man yet. I also know I can’t start this new life pretending I’m like everyone else who came out when they were young and could still have fun. I am only 31 now, but those years are beyond me. I will never get them back. It’s just the price that I have to pay for denying myself for so long. Perhaps it is penance for lying to those I claimed to love all these years. A car horn sounds behind me and I leave the big gay playground of Pittsburgh for the night. I will come back; I just need to get some more closure on my former life first.
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't Stopped to fill up on my way out of town I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't I had to lose everything to find out
Its 10 am on the third Monday since I came out to Lindsay. She’ll be at work now so I go to the house to collect my belongings. I know I shouldn’t be shocked that she has packed all my things and put them in the garage labeled Goodwill. I guess she was going to give everything away, assuming I never came to get it. I wonder if she ever wondered where I was or what I was doing now. I pack as many boxes as I can into the ‘vette and decide to just leave the rest. Entering the house one more time I leave the note I wrote her on the kitchen counter along with my house key, take one final look around and walk out the door without looking back again. Dear Lindsay, I know you must hate me now, believe me I hated myself too. But not for the same reason, you hate me for being honest, for shattering what you thought to be our happy life, while I always hated myself for not being able to be honest with you. I loved you like I was always told I should but I lived a lie like no one should. I had to lose everything to find out what freedom truly feels like. I will not contact you, I will not ask for your forgiveness after this once. Lindsay I do love you, not as a lover, but as a friend, the way I always have. I just let myself believe I could force it to be more than that. I hurt you and I am truly sorry. I hope you can forgive me someday. If you can forgive me you can always reach me at Kinnetik or at the new place I’ve bought, 306 Tremont St. Unit 3. Love, Brian
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road I'm movin' on
It’s Friday night and I’m going back to Liberty Avenue for my first night ‘out.’ I park the ‘vette down the street from Babylon and start to walk towards it. I feel nervous and excited at the same time. I’m not sure what I will find inside but I can’t wait to see it either. I’m one block away from my destination now I can feel the slight vibrations in the ground from the loud music inside. Looking both ways before crossing the street I step into road and look up meeting the eyes of a young man. I stop mid stride and stand in the middle of the street staring at him. A blond, under a streetlamp, he seems to have been watching my progress across the street. He gives me a little smile and I quickly close the gap between us. We stand for a moment in silence and stare at each other; wordlessly acknowledging the mutual attraction between us. Finally we both seem to realize that we should actually talk and we start speaking at the same time. “I’m Justin.” “I’m Brian.” We laugh a little at our simultaneous introduction. “Where are you heading?” “Babylon.” “Want some company?” “Yes.”