Disclaimer: Don't own them! Chapter 10 – Crosses 'I'm not here, This isn't happening. I'm not here…' Brian + Brian walked into Allegheny General Hospital quickly, directing his steps to the Emergency Room waiting lounge. He looked around for his mom, and when he couldn’t find her, he headed to the hospital’s chapel. He saw her the moment he walked inside; she was kneeling, her head bent in prayer. “Mom,” he said quietly. Joan didn’t acknowledge him until after finishing her prayer and crossing herself. She stood up and walked to where Brian was. “Well, let’s go see your father.” “Mom, what’s wrong? Why is he here?” Brian asked, trying hard to keep his annoyance at bay. His mother was so calm, so damn calm, it was hard to believe she’d just called Brian to come to the hospital in the middle of the night because her husband was ill. “I’ll let him tell you. It’s not my place,” Joan finally replied. She led him to one of the examination rooms and stood just outside of the closed curtain. “He’s in there. He might be sleeping, I don’t know. I’m going back to the chapel,” with that, she turned and left. Brian opened the curtain slowly, and peered inside. His father appeared to be sleeping, and he was surrounded by the machines Brian himself had been subject to, not too long ago. He walked inside cautiously, hoping he could get this over quickly, and leave. Jack stirred, and slowly opened his eyes. “Hey, Sonny Boy,” he said, voice gravelly. “Come to see your old man?” Brian nodded. “My mother called me, said you were here. What’s wrong, dad?” “The Warden didn’t tell you, then, did she? Nah, she loves leaving the dirty work to me. Makes her feel more pure than usual,” Jack coughed, and Brian handed him the plastic cup of water on the bedside table. After taking a drink, Jack continued, “Well, better say this straight up. I’m dying, Sonny Boy. Lung cancer.” Brian swallowed, and said, “There’s nothing they can do?” “Nope. Caught it too late,” Jack shrugged. “I ended up here ‘cause I couldn’t breathe properly, and your mother panicked and called an ambulance. The doctors say I probably have a few weeks left, maybe less.” Brian was quiet for a second, and, finally, asked, “Does Claire know?” Jack grimaced. “Yeah, your mother made me tell her. She wouldn’t stop crying, the little bitch. As if she cared if I died. Women are only good for one thing, Sonny Boy, remember that. Don’t end up like me, you hear me? We Kinney men, we’re not meant to be family men.” Brian’s jaw tensed, but he said nothing. Jack started coughing again, heavily, and he started gasping for air. The machines began to beep, and a nurse and doctor ran inside, pushed Brian aside. They put a mask on Jack, the doctor started dictating fast orders to the nurse. Unable to stick around any longer, Brian left, kept walking until he was in the parking lot. He stared up at the dark sky, stars barely visible, and took a deep breath. His father was dying. His father… Jack fucking Kinney. Brian angrily blinked the wetness out of his eyes, and headed to his car. He drove around aimlessly, until, on impulse, he parked in front of the Liberty Diner. He turned off his Jeep, and got out, turning up the collar of his jacket. The Diner was nearly empty, with the exception of two hustlers who were counting their earnings for the night in the corner booth. “Brian?” Ah, fuck. Brian turned to face Debbie. “What are you doing here at this hour? Don’t tell me you just left Babylon! Brian, honey, you can’t-” “I was at the hospital, Deb,” Brian interrupted her rant. He had no idea why he’d her told the truth, except that Debbie was one of the few people who could get it out of him without trying. “What?!” Debbie lay a hand against Brian’s forehead, as if to test his temperature. “Are you sick, Brian? What’s wrong?” Brian batted her hand away, and sat down by the counter. “It’s Jack,” he muttered. “He’s dying.” “Oh, honey,” Debbie whispered. She went behind the counter, and placed two cups on top of it, one for Brian and one for herself. She poured freshly brewed coffee, and looking around for a second, took out a little flask from underneath the counter. Brian raised an eyebrow, and Debbie shrugged. “I figure you could use a little kick in you coffee.” She poured a small amount of whiskey in both cups. “So. When did you find out?” “Just now. My mother called me, told me to go to the hospital. And dear old Jack told me the news himself: he has lung cancer, and no more than a few weeks to live.” Debbie drank a sip of coffee. She gazed at Brian for a moment, and asked, “Do they know?” Brian huffed, “Fuck, no.” “Don’t you think it’s time? They deserve-” “They don’t deserve shit,” Brian said vehemently, interrupting. “You of all people know that.” Debbie nodded sadly. They were both silent for a while, painful memories hanging in the air between them. Memories of a lanky fourteen year old, so angry and so fucking broken, arriving to Deb’s house in the middle of the night, bruised and bleeding. No questions asked, nothing to do but heal his cuts and give him a place to crash. Eventually, Debbie said, “Well, honey… then don’t tell them for them, tell them for yourself. At least tell your father, before it’s too late.” “What, you think ‘cause he’s dying he won’t mind his only son is a fag? That he’ll hug me and we’ll have a touching father and son reunion?” Brian asked, mockingly. “Life isn’t a Hallmark movie, Deb. If he has any strength left, I assure you he’ll use it to punch me out.” “Then at least you’ll know. At least you won’t be left wondering. Think about it, sweetie. Just think about it,” Debbie patted his cheek, and left to take the order of a recently arrived gang of hustlers. Brian sighed, and took a big drink of coffee. + 'Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry' Brian spent the next day brooding, unable to focus on anything at all. His game was off in soccer practice, which led to a fifteen minute tongue lashing by Coach Jenkins; he slept through Consumer Psychology, and he couldn’t even muster the energy to criticize a painfully bad campaign one of his classmates presented, which involved cute puppies and a corny blond family. He was dreading lunch with Lindsay, since she was bound to realize something was wrong and wear him down with WASP-y techniques until he told her what was bothering him. However, when he got to their usual lunch table, Lindsay was nowhere to be found. He waited for ten minutes before taking out his cell phone and calling her. “Hello?” “Linds, where the fuck are you?” “Oh, gosh! Oh, Brian, I’m so sorry! I forgot to tell you, I’m having lunch with Mel.” “Mel?” “You know, Ted’s friend. I thought I’d called you to let you know, I’m so sorry.” “It’s fine. How-” “Oh, the food’s here! Have to go, Bri, bye!” Brian listened to the dial tone for a few seconds before hanging up. He didn’t really feel hungry anymore, so he stood up and took a walk around campus. Thankfully, Brian had an easy afternoon at Ryder. They were preparing for a new campaign, and Brian had already done all his research a few days before, so he didn’t need to stress. He sat in on a few meetings, revised some copy, and left as soon as he could. He was rather hungry, not having eaten lunch, and he hoped Justin had prepared something good for dinner. However, the apartment was empty when Brian got home, and there was no sign of food having been prepared. Brian took off his coat and hung it on the peg by the door, and he noticed a yellow note stuck on the wall. “Hey, having dinner at Ethan’s. Later, J.” Well, at least Brian wouldn’t have to deal with Justin’s mothering or incisive questions. He changed into his oldest jeans and a worn, black t-shirt, and before he had time to rethink his decision, he left again, intent on going to the hospital. When he arrived to the Emergency Room, he found out Jack had been transferred to a room upstairs, since he’d stabilized somewhat the night before. Brian headed to the floor the nurse indicated, and when he was in front of Jack’s room, he took a deep breath before opening the door. Thankfully, neither his mother nor Claire were inside. Brian approached Jack’s bedside. His father was sleeping, and Brian took a moment to examine the face, lined with age and pain. He wished, he so desperately wished, he could hate Jack. Hate him completely, or better yet, not give a damn about him. He’d never given Brian anything but hateful words and painful blows, and Brian had long given up on Jack ever being a real father to him. Yet, there was an unacknowledged and unwelcome part of him that wanted Jack to be proud of him, for once. A part of him that craved a friendly hand on his shoulder, a pat on the back. If he came clean, that dream would vanish for good. Brian smiled, painfully. Better to tell him, so he’d finally be rid of his stupid fucking dream. “Hey, pop,” he greeted quietly, touching Jack’s shoulder briefly to wake him up. Jack opened his eyes sluggishly. “What are you doin’ here, Sonny Boy?” “Uh, I came to talk to you,” Brian replied. “’Bout what?” “Well, actually, I came to tell you something.” Brian paused, and then said, “I’m gay, pop.” Jack stared at him for a moment, a frown clouding his face. “You’re a fuckin’ fairy?” he asked, every word dripping with disgust. “It should be you that’s dying, not me.” Brian rolled his lips inside his mouth, schooled his features to show no reaction. He nodded, and, without saying a word, he left. + Emmett + Incessant pounding woke Emmett from a deep sleep. Confused, he gazed blearily around his room, searching for the source of the noise, and it took him a few seconds to realize someone was knocking on the apartment’s door. If almost demolishing it with blows could be called knocking. “Hold your horses, I’m coming,” Emmett called out. He peered through the peep-hole and was surprised to see Brian, looking very much worse for the wear. Emmett took off the chain and opened the door. “Brian? What are you doing here?” Brian clutched the doorsill, and Emmett noticed the nearly empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. “Need to see Mikey,” Brian slurred, eyes vaguely focused on the floor. Emmett was surprised he could form a sentence, he looked plastered. “Oh… Michael’s not here,” Emmett bit his lip. “He went on a date with a doctor, and he’s not back yet.” “Mikey… Mikey’s not here?” The tone of Brian’s voice was heartbreaking. Emmett put a hand on his shoulder. “No, Brian, I’m sorry. But why don’t you come in? You can sleep on the couch, or in Michael’s bed. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.” Brian looked up, and shook his head. “No. Better go home.” With an agility that belied his drunkenness, he shook off Emmett’s hand and left before Emmett could say another word. The whole episode made Emmett very uneasy… what he’d seen in Brian’s eyes before he left had shaken him to the core. The following morning, Emmett headed to the Liberty Diner to have breakfast, hoping to meet Michael or Brian, and ideally, both of them. However, his heart sank when he saw Brian wasn’t sitting with Michael, David and Ted. “Morning, Em,” Ted greeted him. Emmett was surprised at his cheeriness, considering he was sitting with his crush and his crushes’ beau, but he figured Teddy realized Michael was happy, and didn’t want to get in the way of that. Teddy was a sweetheart like that. “Hey, Teddy. Michael, David,” Emmett smiled, and sat down with them. “Hey, Em,” Michael replied. “You look a bit tired, didn’t you sleep well last night?” Emmett decided against telling them of his midnight visitor. He guessed Brian wouldn’t appreciate them knowing about it. “Uh, yeah. I think I had too many milk and Oreos before bed, you know?” “You shouldn’t eat complex carbohydrates after seven, especially not before going to sleep,” David admonished. “Well, a chiropractor and a dietician!” Ted exclaimed. “You really won the lottery with this one, Michael.” Neither Michael nor David seemed to figure out whether Ted meant what he said as an insult or a compliment, so David gave him a small smile and Michael dug into his scrambled eggs. “Hey, Michael? Have you seen Brian?” Emmett asked, as nonchalantly as he could. “Brian? No, why?” Michael inquired through a mouthful of eggs. “Oh, just wondering if he was joining us for breakfast… looking at him is always a great way to start the day,” Emmett improvised. Ted snorted, “Don’t tell me you have a crush on Brian Kinney?” Emmett rolled his eyes. “Just because I can admire his total gorgeousness doesn’t mean I have a crush on him, Teddy. Plus, he’s a friend, and you don’t fuck your friends. I’m not a total slut.” Michael looked thoughtful, and oblivious to Ted’s and Emmett’s interlude, he said, “I haven’t talked to him in a few days, actually. He was pretty busy with school, and he was starting soccer practice again. I’ll give him a call later.” “You’ll be at work later, baby. And then, we’re having dinner with a few friends of mine, remember? You might not have time to call him,” David said. Emmett raised his eyebrows. Since when did one date lead to full on schedule planning? Ah, well, if Michael was happy, he guessed it was alright. Plus, the doctor was a real hottie… if you liked older men. + Emmett kept an eye out for Brian during the next few days, but the young Stud of Liberty Avenue had vanished even from the backroom of Babylon. He had no idea why he was so concerned, but Emmett just knew Brian needed someone… obviously he didn’t fit the bill, and if he didn’t find him soon, he’d share his concerns with Justin. After a night’s search in Babylon, Boy Toy, Pistol and even the Meathook garnered no results, Emmett decided he’d talk to Justin in the morning. Luckily, Justin had the breakfast shift at the diner the following day. “Morning, Em, what can I get you?” Justin greeted him, pad and pen ready. “Hi, sweetie! Hmm… I’ll have the strawberry waffles, and some coffee.” Justin wrote his order down, and before he left, Emmett asked, “Um, hey, have you seen Brian lately?” Justin frowned. “We are roommates, Emmett,” he pointed out. Emmett laughed nervously. “I know! It’s just – I’m a bit worried about him.” “Why?” “Well, I saw him a few days ago, and he didn’t look too well. I’ve been looking for him ever since, to check up on him, but he hasn’t been to the diner or to Babylon in days.” “Really?” Justin looked worried. Emmett nodded. “Maybe I’m just being silly, but…” “No, thanks for telling me. Uh, let me get your food,” Justin said, distractedly, and left to place the order. Emmett stared after him, hoping that Justin would have some luck in finding out what was wrong with Brian. + 'Crosses all over, heavy on your shoulders' Justin + Emmett’s question nagged Justin for the rest of his shift. “Have you seen Brian lately?” Honestly, Justin hadn’t, not for a while. He avoided the apartment when he knew Brian would be there, and he’d slept at Daphne’s or Ethan’s throughout the week. His contact with his roommate was reduced to scribbling short notes on sticky yellow paper. What did Emmett mean, when he said Brian didn’t look alright? Could he be sick again, working himself too hard? Maybe he’d gotten another job, and he was working nights once more. He probably wasn’t eating right; he never took care of himself when Justin wasn’t around. When he got to PIFA, he walked slowly to his first class, lost in thought. A presence by his side startled him. “Hey, Jus! Why so broody?” Ethan inquired. “Oh, hi, Ethan,” Justin gave him a small smile. “No reason, just… thinking.” Ethan looked at him oddly. “Well, you better think more quickly, ‘cause you’re going to be late for your class.” Justin looked down at his watch. “Shit! You’re right. Better run, see you later!” he said, and dashed off. Ethan yelled something, but Justin couldn’t hear him clearly, and he didn’t stop running. He barely made it to the classroom in time, and his teacher glared at him as he took a seat in the back. Unable to concentrate on the day’s lecture, Justin formed a plan. He knew that if there really was something wrong, Brian wouldn’t tell him, especially after how estranged they were right now. Justin would simply wait until Brian arrived to the apartment, and follow him to wherever he went. Justin was confident he could be a very good stalker. After classes finished, Justin took the bus home. He tried to read a book he’d been assigned for his Modern Art class, but he couldn’t focus, so he gave up and stared out the window instead. A weak drizzle began to fall, and Justin sighed. Rain would really make his stalking uncomfortable. When he arrived to the apartment, he opened the door as quietly as he could, in case Brian was already home. He wasn’t, so Justin headed to his room, left his door slightly ajar, and settled behind it. He opened one of his sketchbooks and started to draw, while he waited for Brian to come home. About an hour later, he heard the front door opening, and he put his pencil down. He could imagine what Brian was doing from the sounds he was hearing: putting down his bags, getting a bottle of water, changing in his room… The phone rang, and it startled Justin so badly he almost yelled, but he managed to control himself. He heard Brian pick it up. “Yeah?... And why the fuck do I need to go? … Fine. I said, fine, I’ll be there.” Brian sounded really pissed off. Within a few minutes, Justin heard the front door slam, and he got up from the floor, determined to follow Brian. Quickly putting on a jacket, he left the apartment. He ran down the stairs, but slowed down before opening building’s door. He waited until he saw Brian’s Jeep drive past, and then, he flagged down a taxi. “Follow that black Jeep, please,” he told the cabbie. Justin felt like he was in a movie, following a suspect, or something. He didn’t sit back, anxiously looking at the black Jeep, and groaning whenever it was lost from view. Finally, they saw the Jeep enter Allegheny General Hospital’s parking lot, and, confused, Justin stepped out of the cab. What the fuck was Brian doing in the hospital? Justin headed to the entrance, and hid behind a pillar near the elevators. From his vantage point, he could see anybody entering the hospital. After a few minutes, he saw Brian walking inside quickly, looking angry. Justin hadn’t actually seen Brian for enough time that his physical presence took his breath away. Fuck… he was so fucking beautiful. Ridding himself of useless thoughts, Justin focused on the task at hand. He saw Brian enter one of the elevators near him, and he cursed. How would he know what floor Brian got off on? He looked at the numbers above the elevator’s doors, and noticed it stopped in the second floor. Justin went onto the next elevator available and pressed two. The moment he took a step inside the second floor, he realized he was wrong. It was full of women, pregnant women… or women looking like they’d just had birth. Unless Brian had knocked up someone, or by some freakish chance of nature gotten pregnant himself, Justin doubted he was here. With a sigh, he went into another elevator and pressed three. When he walked out, Justin looked around for any clues. He suddenly heard a voice he recognized quite well. “Just let him sign the fucking DNR, mother! If he wants to die, then let him die, for fuck’s sake!” “Watch your mouth, Brain! Don’t talk to me like that.” Justin walked to where he heard the voices coming from, and after turning a corner, he saw Brian and a woman he assumed was his mother arguing. Justin frowned, trying to make sense of what he was hearing. “Listen, if he doesn’t sign it, then when he turns for the worse, they’ll keep him alive with tubes, machines, and they’ll pump him full of meds. He won’t breathe by himself, eat by himself. Is that what you want?” Brian asked. Justin could tell he was losing patience, his hands were fisted. “No. No, you’re right,” Brian’s mother eventually replied. “Good. Then have him sign the order.” Brian started to walk away, looking down. “Brian? Don’t you want to see him?” his mother called after him. “What for?” Brian stopped, but didn’t turn to face her. “He’s your father, Brian.” “Not for long,” Brian said, and kept on walking. He looked up, and saw Justin. He froze in his tracks, eyes wide. Then, Justin saw his surprise quickly transform into fury. “What the fuck are you doing here, Justin? “Brian, I was worried, ‘cause Emmett… and, uh, I followed…” Justin tried to explain. He paused, pulling himself together, and after taking a deep breath, asked, “Brian, are you okay? What – what happened to your dad?” “It’s none of your fucking business,” Brian snarled, and moved past Justin to the elevators, stepping inside of one. Justin tried to follow him, but Brian pushed him back forcefully. “Fuck off, Justin!” Taken aback, Justin leaned against the wall behind him. Brian had never been violent toward him, not once. The fact that he’d pushed Justin meant he was in a really bad place. Justin realized he needed a new plan. With new resolve, he pressed the elevator’s call button. + 'Don't you know that I'll be around to guide you? Through your weakest moments, to leave them behind you. Returning nightmares, only shadows. We'll cast some light and you'll be alright.' After a stop at the grocery store, Justin was once again back in the apartment, waiting. He’d resolved to stay up all night, if necessary, but he had to confront Brian. He sat down on the couch in the living room, started watching The Powerpuff Girls. Justin was startled awake by the sound of the door opening, and he realized he must’ve dozed off. An infomercial was playing on the TV, the cartoons long over. Justin stood up, and he came face to face with Brian. “Why the hell are you up at this hour, Justin? You have the breakfast shift tomorrow.” “I was waiting for you,” Justin said, quietly. “What the fuck for?” Brian headed to the kitchen, and took out a bottle of Beam from one of the cabinets. He poured himself a shot, and drank it in one swallow. Justin followed Brian into the kitchen, and answered, “Because I’m worried about you, Brian. Because you’re my roommate, and my friend, and… I can see you’re in pain.” “I’m not in pain. Why would I be?” Brian raised an eyebrow. Justin had always been able to read Brian, but the insouciance he was acting with now was throwing him off. “Because your father’s dying.” “Oh, that. Well, if you knew anything about Jack Kinney, you’d know dying is about the best thing he could do,” Brian gave him a grin colder than steel. Justin lost his patience. “Listen to me, you asshole. You can act like you don’t give a damn, you can drink yourself into a stupor and give me your damn superior smile, but I know you’re hurting, and I’ll be fucked before I let you shut me out,” Justin advanced on Brian, who was no longer smiling, and actually looked wary of Justin. “You are going to put that damn bottle down, and you’re going to go lie down. I’m going to make some hot chocolate, and you will drink it, no fucking complaints. And the next time something like this happens? If you don’t tell me, I swear I’ll kill you. Now, go to your fucking room,” Justin pointed to Brian’s room. Brian held Justin’s unwavering glare for a moment, and then, he nodded, and walked to his room. When the hot chocolate was done, Justin followed him, carrying two mugs. He paused outside Brian’s room. Brian was lying down on his side, clutching a pillow. Justin walked to the bed, placed the mugs on the bedside table, and lay down next to Brian. He hugged him, not saying anything, while silent tremors shook Brian’s form. Justin didn’t know how much time passed, how long they lay there, Brian’s back to Justin’s chest, Justin’s arms around Brian. Eventually, Brian turned around. Enough light from the streetlight illuminated the room that Justin could see the tear tracks, the red eyes. Wanting to erase Brian’s pain in any way he could, Justin gently cupped Brian’s face, rubbed the tears away with the pads of his thumbs. He leaned closer, kissing Brian’s eyelids, his cheeks. He paused for a second, met Brian’s bleak whiskey eyes, and captured his lips. TBC A/N: chapter title from song by Jose Gonzalez. Songs quoted are How To Dissapear Completely by Radiohead, High and Dry by Radiohead and Crosses by Jose Gonzalez. Thank you very much for your feedback, it's very appreciated :)