The Space Between Chapter 1 – Like a Friend "I've done this before, And I will do it again. Come on and kill me baby, While you smile like a friend." They were never meant to be just friends. The first time they met, Justin had seen Brian coming out of Babylon one night, looking fucking beautiful, fucking dangerous, and just fucking right. Brian had crossed the street and spoken to Justin, who’d looked like a cliché sports drink ad leaning against a lamp post. They’d flirted, exchanged charged banter, and eaten each other up with their eyes; it had been a perfect beginning to what heralded to be the best fuck, the first fuck, in Justin’s life. And yet, it ended up being the beginning to the fuck that never was. The story of that night was recounted now as an epic tale of how the universe could conspire against the best laid plans of mice and fags looking to get fucked. Justin could always tell when it was coming, because Michael got this look on his face, and said, “Well, the craziest story I’ve ever heard…”. Brian seemed to have a sixth sense for when the story was about to be told, because he was always conveniently away, fucking a trick or getting a drink, or both. So it fell to Justin to fake a smile and roll his eyes while his friends rehashed the fateful night when Brian Kinney and Justin Taylor met, almost fucked, didn’t, and became roommates. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ "I want you to make me feel alive, I wanna feel you from the inside." Justin Justin walked down Liberty Avenue, trying hard to look aloof and knowledgeable; but it was hard to act cool and unconcerned when guys kept brushing past and fondling his ass, all the while staring at him like his aunt Millie stared at bread when on her “no carbs ever again” diet. He wasn’t sure how he felt about being a piece of bread… he wasn’t liking it too much so far. He took a cigarette he’d tucked on top of his ear and lit it, taking a deep drag to calm down; he suddenly noticed his white Nike sneakers looked ridiculously out of place… Daphne had been right, he should have picked another outfit. Regardless of his sinking realization about unsuitable wardrobe choices, Justin had to keep going, because he was a man on a mission: he was going to fuck. He was eighteen years old, for fuck’s sake! Starting college while being a virgin, and all the horrible teasing and teenage angst it could bring on, was the subject matter of so many movies, people thought it wasn’t real. But it was. It really was. And Justin was done with the angst, and the wondering, and the non-committal shrug when people asked about his first time. So tonight, come hell or high water, or, you know, an irrational fear of people wearing what seemed to be leather thongs and brandishing riding crops, Justin was going to meet a guy and fuck. He took in the names of different bars and clubs, Meat Hook, Boy Toy, The Adonis, The Gravel Pitt… none sounded particularly attractive, and most of them sounded downright scary. I mean, who the fuck names a bar Meat Hook? Plus, the creepy people with the leather and the riding crops all seemed to be heading that way, so perhaps walking in the opposite direction was the best idea. A bit disappointed, Justin walked up to a lamppost and leaned against it. He glanced up and noticed a bright, neon sign that read ‘Babylon’, and since it sounded somewhat decent, he decided to go in after having a breather. Whatever plans he might have had changed the moment he saw him walking out the door of the club. “Fuck,” he breathed out. And hoped like hell the guy would head his way and take his word. + Brian “Brian, hurry up! It’s almost two, and I promised my mom I’d get home early,” Michael admonished, half-dragging Brian out of the backroom. “And you have a test tomorrow!” “Mikey, you know I do my best work after a good fuck,” Brian said, buttoning his jeans. “If I fail tomorrow, it’ll be all your fault.” Michael snorted, brushing a tweaked twink off Brian. “Oh, yeah? How do you figure that?” “Well, because a mediocre blowjob won’t make me do my best work, now, will it?” asked Brian, raising an eyebrow. He gave a long-suffering sigh. “I’m gonna have to go find that closet jock and fuck him, and he’ll start thinking he’s a better fuck than he actually is.” “My heart aches for you, it really does,” Michael answered, rolling his eyes. “You could also just go to sleep when you get to the dorms, wake up early, and study.” Brian stared at him in horror, and then grinned. “Good one, Mikey.” They collected their jackets and made their way outside. Brian was walking down the stairs when something made him look across the street. “Fuck,” he whispered. A blond guy was leaning against the lamppost, staring at him, almost as if he was waiting for him. Brian didn’t intend to keep him waiting any longer. He barely heard Michael’s “Briaaan!” as he crossed the street and came to a stop right in front of the guy. “How’s it going? Had a busy night?” Brian asked, using the sexiest voice he could muster. Not that he needed a sexy voice. Brian was a twenty year old sex machine, and he knew he was the hottest thing to hit Liberty Avenue since, well, ever. But the sexy voice always made them drop to their knees faster. “Just checking out the bars, you know?” the guy shrugged. He was so blond, and his eyes were so fucking blue, and Brian just knew he had to fuck him, no matter what. “Boy Toy, Meat Hook…” he trailed off. Brian rolled his lips into his mouth to keep from laughing. “Meat Hook? Really?” He frowned slightly. “So you’re into leather?” Brian saw the slight widening of the eyes, the faintest hint of hesitance, but it was hastily covered up with a raised chin and defiant, “Sure.” Fuck, this kid was hot! “Where are you headed?” Brian finally asked. “No place special.” “I can change that,” Brian promised confidently. The guy smiled, and Brian smirked. Unbeknownst to him, he’d just made a promise that would change both of their lives, forever. “I’m Justin,” the guy declared, holding his hand out. Brian raised an eyebrow, but shook the proffered hand and replied, “Brian.” Brian directed his steps to his beat up, black Jeep, glancing behind him once to check that the blond trick, Justin, was following. He couldn’t wait to get him naked and in bed. “Brian! I told you I needed to leave!” Michael caught up with him. “I know what you told me. I was just picking up my study partner,” he explained, gesturing behind him. Michael huffed. “Whatever. Let’s go, please.” He climbed into the passenger seat. “Get in,” Brian told his guest. “We just need to drop the drama queen off, and we can get right to business.” “I thought you said he was your study partner,” Michael grumbled. “Business, study; potato, potato,” Brian shrugged, grinning in the direction of Justin, who was currently climbing in the backseat and displaying a wonderful view of his ass. Yep, it was gonna be a long, hard night. In the best sense of the words. + “Come on in,” Brian held the door open to his room. His dorm was in slightly better condition than others, because it was for honor students, but it was still a shitty, small room. Complete with an annoying roommate who finally knew better, after two long years, than to be around Friday night. Or Saturday night. Or any night Brian went out. “Nice room,” Justin offered. Brian saw him take in the unmade beds, the poster-covered walls, the books strewn around the floor, the soccer ball and gear exploding out of a tired, red duffel bag. “No it’s not,” Brian snorted. “But it does the trick,” he paused, licking his lips. “Pun intended.” Justin rolled his eyes, but smiled. “No roommate?” he asked, glancing around. “Nope. He knows it’s best to find alternate lodging when I go out.” Brian approached Justin, shedding his jacket and t-shirt along the way. He noticed Justin’s immediate response, the way his eyes traveled up and down his torso. Brian had a killer body, slim and defined, thanks to years of playing soccer and inadequate college food, and he used it to his advantage. “Aren’t you a little overdressed for the occasion?” he remarked, tongue in cheek. Justin glanced down at himself, blushing faintly. He took off his blue windbreaker, but kept everything else on. Ah, an innocent, thought Brian. Looks like he could use some help undressing. He leaned down to kiss Justin, and the kiss quickly escalated, as Brian brought Justin’s body closer, one of his hands clutching the hair at the back of his neck, the other trying to get rid of Justin’s button down shirt. Justin had enough presence of mind to help Brian get his white t-shirt off, but he wasn’t good for much else the moment Brian shoved his hand down his jeans and started stroking his dick. “Fuck, Brian,” Justin moaned. “In a minute, in a minute,” Brian breathed out. He started walking Justin backwards in the direction of the bed, never breaking off stroking his dick or kissing him. When Justin’s knees hit the bed, Brian went with him, lying on top of him. Brian licked Justin’s neck, nibbled his ear, but he soon needed more, more. He stood up for a second, and Justin whimpered, looking at Brian with questioning eyes. “Need to get these off,” Brian explained, quickly taking off his jeans and leaning down to get Justin’s off as well. “Fuck, you’re beautiful,” he whispered. Brian sat on top of Justin’s knees, and started jerking him off again. “So what do you like to do?” he asked. “Um… well, I love to draw, I’m an Art major,” Justin started. “In bed,” Brian clarified, cutting him off. “This… this is good,” came the hesitant answer. Brian began to get suspicious. “Do you like to rim?” “Uh, sure, I love it!” Brian raised an eyebrow. “Then get to it.” Justin bit his lip. Yep, Brian’s suspicions were confirmed. The kid had to be a virgin. He decided to give him a very hands-on explanation of what rimming was, but before he could do so, his cell phone started ringing. “Fuck.” He started digging through the rumpled bedding until he found his jeans and got the phone out of his pocket. “Yeah?” he answered. “Brian, you have to come to Allegheny General now.” “What’s wrong, Mikey?” he asked, unaware that his voice trembled slightly. “It’s Vic.” “Be there in a few.” He hung up, and got off Justin. “You have to go,” he told him. “Why?” Justin asked, looking bewildered. “Family emergency,” Brian answered curtly, putting his jeans back on. “Have to go to the hospital.” “I- I can’t go to my dorm.” “Why the fuck not? I’ll call you a cab or something,” Brian said, putting on a black wifebeater that smelled fairly clean. “My roommate, he said I couldn’t come back tonight... his girlfriend’s in town,” Justin explained, shrugging apologetically. “And I can’t go home, my parents would kill me. Can’t I just go with you?” Brian stopped zipping his jacket up and stared at him. Ah, what the hell. “Fine.” I "saw the hospital Nursed the shoreline like a wound. Reports of lover's tryst Were neither clear nor descript, We kept it safe and slow The quiet things that no one ever knows" + Justin Brian was completely silent on the drive to the hospital. Justin couldn’t tell if he was worried, or pissed off, or both. It was probably both. He felt a bit guilty at having to tag along, but Chris had made it abundantly clear he would kick Justin’s ass if he dared show up to their room tonight, and quite frankly, Chris scared the fuck out of Justin. The guy was really unhinged, and what the hell was he doing in the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts of all places? He belonged in a construction crew or something. Justin glanced at Brian, taking in his profile. Fuck, he was gorgeous. His hand was itching to grab a pencil and paper and start sketching. He couldn’t believe a guy who looked like that had been interested in him. The kisses and the hand job had been amazing, but Justin selfishly wished he could’ve gotten fucked, too. They pulled into the parking lot, and Brian got out of the car, walking quickly to the entrance. Justin ran a bit to catch up with him. They made their way to the Emergency Room, and Justin saw Michael pacing in the waiting room. “Mikey,” Brian called out. Michael saw Brian and went to him immediately, hugging him hard. Brian held him patiently, saying nothing. After a few minutes, Michael pulled back, and Justin saw his eyes were red-rimmed. “He’s in critical condition. He just- collapsed.” Brian nodded, brushing the tears away from Michael’s cheek. “Where’s Deb?” Michael pointed to the reception desk, where Justin noticed a red-headed woman filling out forms. Brian headed towards her, and Justin stayed behind next to Michael, an awkward silence between them. He still wasn’t sure what was happening. “Do you need anything?” he asked Michael. Michael glared at him, but when he realized Justin meant it, he said, “Some coffee would be great.” Justin nodded. He walked up to Brian and the red-headed woman, and managed to catch some of their conversation. “He’s not doing well, Brian. Not well at all. If he doesn’t make it through tonight… I think he- he…” “He’ll make it, Deb. He’s tough.” Brian put a hand on the woman’s shoulder, squeezing it briefly. Justin took advantage of the momentary silence. “Um, sorry to interrupt, but I’m getting Michael some coffee. Do you need anything?” he asked. Brian shook his head, but the woman looked at him for a moment before giving him a watery smile. “You’re just gorgeous, darling. What’s your name?” “Justin,” he replied, wondering why she hadn’t asked who he was. Maybe Brian brought by random pick ups all the time. The thought didn’t settle too well with Justin, but he refused to analyze why. “Well, Justin, I’m Deb, and I’d love some coffee, too.” Justin turned around, but he stopped when he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Make sure you get her decaf,” Brian whispered into his ear. Justin smiled in understanding. + They sat in the waiting room for three hours before a doctor came out to talk to them. Justin had managed to find some paper and he’d stolen a pencil from the grumpy nurse in the admissions desk, so he entertained himself sketching. Deb had spent her time re-checking the forms and constantly reassuring Michael, in a way that made Justin certain she was actually reassuring herself. Michael had gone to the vending machine and gotten himself hooked up with a bunch of chocolates, cookies, and potato chip bags, and was stress-eating his way through everything. Brian had simply stared blankly ahead and said nothing the whole time. “Mrs. Novotny?” a doctor asked. Justin could tell he was absolutely worn out, his lab coat was rumpled and there were rings around his eyes. “That’s me,” Debbie answered quickly, standing up. Brian stood up as well, and Michael dropped the Mars Bar he was eating on the seat next to him. “Your brother is stable enough for us to move him to the Intensive Care Unit. I’m not sure yet how long he’ll have to stay there, but it may be a while.” “Can I see him?” Debbie asked hopefully. “Visits in the ICU are tightly controlled. You can see him in half an hour, once he’s settled in, but you can only visit him for fifteen minutes.” “I understand. And, doctor? Thank you,” she said. “You’re welcome.” “Oh, fuck. Thank fucking God,” Debbie whispered, drying her eyes with a tissue. “So why did he collapse like that?” Brian asked the doctor. “It was a series of infections… HIV-related infections.” Justin heard Michael’s gasp, saw Brian clench his jaw. Debbie seemed strangely unsurprised. Brian turned to her. “You knew?” “Yes,” Debbie admitted. “That’s why he came back.” “But – but why didn’t you tell us?” Michael asked. “It wasn’t my place. Sharing this with you was Vic’s decision,” she explained. “I think he wanted to wait. Telling me was hard enough.” Michael hugged Debbie, and Brian put his hands on her shoulders. Justin finally understood why Brian had told him this was a family crisis. Michael, Debbie, Debbie’s brother… they were Brian’s family. This visit to the hospital had brought out a strange softness to Brian that had been completely lacking in their interaction before the phone call. Brian had been a predator, and Justin a very, very willing prey. But now, Brian was just a guy, a guy who was worried about someone he loved. “Michael, baby, you should go home. You too, Brian. You have an exam tomorrow!” Debbie said. “It’s ok, Deb. I can stay,” Brian said quietly. “The fuck you will. You’re gonna go back to your dorm, you’re gonna sleep for an hour and then wake up and ace that fucking test, you hear me?” she admonished Brian, shaking a finger at him. “I hear you,” Brian answered, the corner of his mouth lifting a bit. “Come on, Mikey. I’ll drive you home.” “Thanks, Brian, but I’m staying.” Debbie opened her mouth. “And don’t argue, Ma. You need me here.” Brian nodded, and he hugged them both goodbye. Justin gave Michael a pat on the back, and he was about to kiss Debbie goodbye when she crushed him in a strong embrace before he knew what was happening. “Thanks for being here, Sunshine,” she whispered in Justin’s ear. Sunshine? Where did that come from? He smiled at her, and followed Brian out of the hospital. They both stood outside, smoking. Somewhere around the second hour they’d been in the hospital, Justin had hoped they would still fuck. If the news was good, it was possible they’d fuck out of relief and gratitude, or something. But finding out Debbie’s brother had HIV had taken away any such illusions. Brian was somber, and Justin saw how his hands shook every time he brought the cigarette to his mouth. “Want to go take a walk by the river?” Justin asked, fully expecting to be blown off with a grunt. But to his surprise, Brian nodded, and led the way. Dawn was beginning to break, and it struck Justin in a way that it never had before how the most terrible things in life, the worst news, coexisted with the perfect beauty of something as simple and natural as the sun rising by a river. “Do you think he’ll be alright?” Justin asked. “Vic’s a fighter. He’s one of the strongest men I know. If there’s anyone who can make it…” Brian trailed off. Justin nodded in understanding. After a few minutes of silence, Brian spoke up. “So you successfully avoided your breeder roommate for the night. Sorry it was such a drama filled evening.” “Oh, don’t apologize. You saved me from the wrath of the unhinged straight guy, and from an unwanted look at him fucking his girlfriend.” “Ugh,” Brian shuddered with distaste. “He sounds like a horrible roommate. Are you a freshman?” “Yep, just started at the Institute of Fine Arts.” “Wow.” Brian raised his eyebrows. “That’s a great school. You must be really good.” Justin blushed, and felt furious with himself for acting like a pre-teen girl with a crush. “I’m alright. Carnegie Mellon is really good, too. What’s your major?” “Advertising,” Brian replied. Justin was suddenly struck with the oddness of the conversation. He felt like he was going backwards. Brian had kissed him, jerked him off and almost fucked him before Justin knew any of the mundane stuff you always found out about people first. “What year are you in?” he asked. “Just started my junior year. Two years to go, can’t fucking wait to get out of school.” “Why?” “Well, you’re not the only one with crappy housing arrangements. Living in the honors dorm and having a scholarship means I get saddled with all these crappy activities and tours and shit,” Brian explained. “And my roommate is a closet fag, so naturally he’s a rampaging homophobe. The only reason he doesn’t give me any trouble is ‘cause the second day we roomed together, I kicked the shit outta him.” Justin stared at him with wide eyes. “He took issue with my porn collection,” Brian elaborated. Justin laughed. He loved Brian’s self confidence in his sexuality. “So why are you still a virgin, Sunshine?” Brian asked suddenly, his tone curious and mocking at once. Justin thought for a moment before answering. “I’m not sure, really. Not because I wanted to preserve my virtue, or something like that. It just never happened, you know? I wasn’t out in my old high school, and the Country Club isn’t the best place to pick up tricks.” “You don’t say? I always thought WASP’s were wildcats in bed. All that repressed anger, the pressure to be so well-mannered and PC.” “Shut up,” Justin laughed. He wondered if maybe Brian was right. He’d have to give the Country Club crowd a second chance. They sat down on a bench, and Justin was struck with an idea as he watched Brian leaning back, eyes closed. “Brian?” “Hmm?” “I have an idea. You can tell me it sucks and to fuck off and not bother you-” “Out with it, Justin.” Brian interrupted his rambling. “Well, you hate your dorm and your roommate, right?” Brian just raised an eyebrow. “And I hate my dorm and my roommate. And you want to live off campus, and I do too, honestly. So, I was thinking… I don’t hate you, and I think we’ve gotten along, so what would you say if we shared an apartment?” Justin asked, looking at Brian expectantly. “We’ve only known each other one night,” Brian pointed out. “I know. And it may turn out we can’t stand each other and this is the worst idea ever, but I’m a really normal, clean guy… and I like you. I don’t usually like many people.” Brian snorted. He examined Justin for a moment, and Justin felt sure he was going to turn him down. “Alright, Sunshine. You got yourself a new roommate.” ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ That’s how it happened. Two years later, Brian and Justin still lived together, and all the evidence said they did stand each other, after all. In fact, they were pretty much best friends. Only, every once in a while, when Justin was stoned and drunk and just totally fucked up, he’d remember Brian’s kisses, from that first night. The way he’d touched him. He thought about what could’ve been. He wondered. TBC A/N: Title of story from the song The Space Between by Dave Matthews Band. Title chapter from song by Pulp, songs quoted are Like a Friend by Pulp, From the Inside by Gioia Bruno and The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows by Brand New. Feedback is VERY appreciated.