Chapter 2 - 'I don't know on which side his heart falls, but I know where mine is buried' ~o~ Brian “Uh… hi, Brian. It’s… it’s me, Justin. I’m in New York. Staying with a friend of Daphne’s… I’m gonna try and do the art thing here, I guess. Um… yeah, so you said to let you know where I went, so I’m letting you know… Take care of yourself. Love you.” And that was fucking it. That was the message waiting for me when I came back from Australia. It’s fucking poetic justice if you think about it, because those two weeks Down Under, getting sucked and fucking the hottest gay men on the planet… well, all they made me realize was I had the hottest one. I decided it was about damn time I stopped my reputation from controlling me, because if I *was* Brian Kinney, when did caring what other people think stop me? Ok… maybe sometimes. Ok, a lot of the times, but shut the fuck up. So I came back, determined to make some grand gesture - buy a mansion, build a monument in his name - some fucking thing of the sort. I am an ad-man, after all. Yes, I was perfectly ready to sell my newfound revelation. And the moment I came home, it all crashed around me. ‘Cause he was gone. At last gone, at last going after what he should, doing what he should have always done… So what now… what now. I was stuck. Unable to move on, unable to move back. He came to my mind at the worst, at the best of times. I couldn’t let him go, I couldn’t call him back. What could I do? He left. He left me. So I did what was expected of me. Of Brian Kinney, the Stud of Liberty Avenue. Wouldn’t want to disappoint. God knows gay PA wouldn’t have anything to talk about without me. So I sucked and fucked and drank and drugged. And at some point, I started seeing blond hair instead of brown and pale skin and a smooth body instead of the toned, tanned and ripped body beneath me. And I called out his name. And it hit me, just as the trick was getting dressed and getting the hell out, I would never be free. ‘Settle baby, you are not the sun You are not the sun You are not the sun’ And the answer wasn’t a grand gesture, a mansion and a sentimental declaration. The answer was growing up. At last, growing up. At last, letting go of Neverland - saying goodbye to Peter Pan. And even if he was the motivation, and a huge part of my goal - I couldn’t do it just for him. I had to do it for me, because fucking hard as it was to face it… I was 33 years old, and it was about damned time. I also knew I couldn’t contact Justin. I couldn’t talk to him, write to him, see him - nothing. This was something I had to do by myself, and the slightest interaction with him would just send me on a downward spiral. And he *had* to do his own thing, had to be his own man... we both had to grow, apart from each other, if we were ever going to be together. I’d like to tell you it was as easy as that. That I came to my decision and next day set my plan into motion and presto! Brian Kinney was finally grown up. I’d like to tell you that, but I’d be lying. How can you let go of what you’ve been all your life? How do you make yourself understand… more importantly, how do you make others understand, that your reputation, that your name - they stopped being a prize and started being a cage. I started working on the small things. I went out a little bit less, worked even more. After a few jabs at my age, Emmet and Ted stopped saying anything, ‘cause it’s not like the years weren’t catching up with them either. Less nights out meant less tricks, less booze, less drugs. It wasn’t easy, I still panicked and went out on all-night binges of - everything. But it happened less and less as time went by. Mikey was another problem. After my rejected attempt at an apology, I backed off. And he was so into his new life as a Stepford Fag, I didn’t cross paths with him much. Eventually, thanks to Debbie or maybe Zen Ben even, he started showing up, at the dinner, Woody’s, making puppy dog eyes… we never talked it out, we never said anything. We just settled into a sort of friendship. I wouldn’t say settled back, because something happened one night to make me realize - we could never go back. How do you go back, how do you confront? How do you reach out and try to hold an empty space of air? You don’t. You can’t. And… and that knowledge tortures you at times, in the back of your head or brought up to sharp relief when you least expect it. He… he was there for so much of my life. But, he lost track of me. He stopped seeing all of me and settled for seeing what he wanted to see, what was convenient for him. After all the spiel he fed me, telling me I was an immature club boy and whateverthefuck, after that, he suddenly turned and started scolding me for going out only on the weekends, for actually growing up. “You haven’t been to Babylon for a week, Brian! What’s wrong?” “Nothing’s wrong, Mikey. I just have a lot of work.” “You’re Brian Kinney, for fuck’s sake. A little work’s never stopped you.” Yeah. It’s great to preach, isn’t it Mikey? But it’s not so much when I actually do what you say, because where would you be without the untamable Brian Kinney? Who could you compare yourself to? Who would make you feel nice and superior, knowing he’s such a fucking immature asshole and you’re all settled and happy? So I just… distanced myself. I love Mikey. Always have, and I really always will. You don’t go through what I’ve been through with him and not love, forever. But I just stopped showing him all of me, I let him see what he felt comfortable seeing and let him think what he wanted to. It was actually Theodore and Emmet who caught on to what I was doing. They didn’t come out and say it, but the knowing look in Theodore’s eyes whenever he came into the office late and I was still there… the way Emmet sided with me whenever Mikey said anything about my reduced tricking… yeah, they knew. And they didn’t say anything, they also knew better, because I would have fucking ripped them a new one. I also started seeing Gus more. That’s one thing the bomb scare reminded me of, that after the cancer I’d promised myself I’d be a better father. Lindsay was thrilled, Melanie less so. But she was busy cooing at J.R. which meant we had less time to snarl at each other… not that we didn’t still do it. Baiting Linds’ husband has always been a fun past-time, and I wasn’t about to quit all my bad habits. Sometimes, when I just wanted to quit and fuck this goddam growing up shit, I want a fuck, a bump and a Beam… I went to see Gus. And his delighted scream of ‘Daddy! Let’s play Cowboy Chicken!’, his arms around my neck - it reminded me of one of the reasons I was doing this. As for the other… well, I just had to close my eyes. Ah, fuck, I’m becoming a fucking lesbian. Forget I said that. So it’s been two years. Two years of cutting back and growing up. I only go to Babylon twice a month, to Woody’s just on the weekends. I see Gus twice a week, I show up for Deb’s Sunday dinner. I’ve made Kinnetic a Fortune 500 company and it’s notorious enough that it doesn’t matter where it’s based, the clients come to me. It’s also been two years of silence. Of no Justin. I know he’s doing well… Jennifer stops by, we go to lunch. I know he’s got a big show coming up, and there’s a faint, unacknowledged idea in the back of my head… And I’m ok. Really. Maybe not great. But I’m doing fine. If every once in a while, late at night, I whisper his name, nobody is there to hear it. And if my pillow is a little bit wet in the morning… well, nobody is there to see it. * Justin I feel so lonely. I laugh, I talk, I dance… but I am lonely. This mood that passes through me… this sensation I can’t shake. I’m busy with the upcoming show, planning, little last touches… My agent parading me around, making sure I get all the ‘right exposure’. So I say all the right things and smile all the right ways. I dress the right way and I even have the right man by my side. Charlie - he’s charming, sweet, clever - ‘perfect’. He’s an engineer, we met at some bar… my roommate said I was driving her crazy and I *had* to get out of the apartment. So we went to some bar in Chelsea, and Charlie cruised me. I was just buzzed enough to feel almost happy, and warm, and friendly… and after he bought me a shot of tequila, I was also horny. So we went back to his place and I sucked him off and I fucked him… and if his jet-black hair looked lighter at times, and his gray eyes looked hazel - it was the alcohol. Nothing more. I thought it was a one night only thing, but he kept coming back, even when I was bratty and cold. He kept calling, and showing up, until I gave in. We’ve been together, on and off, for about a year now. He says he loves me, and I always choke back the bitterness I feel when I hear him say it, try hard to forget violin music and breakfast in bed… try to ignore the strange pain I feel in my hands, the pain of rose-thorns scratching my skin. And always, always, when he says it, I see another pair of eyes. I see Brian’s intense hazel orbs, looking at me like they did that last night I saw him. I’ve never said it back. I say, whatever, ‘I know’, or ‘Me too’ or ‘You’re great’… and it appeases him. ‘I will lie awake And lie for fun and fake the way I hold you Let you fall for every empty word I say’ But it scares me. It scares me that I’m this fucking numb, that the most I feel for anybody is slight acceptance. I left him… I left Brian because he couldn’t - wouldn’t give me what I thought I wanted. But now, I have a break and I have a guy who’d give me all that… and I just don’t want it. God, I’m a fucking idiot. I can just hear Brian saying something about youth and indecision. He’d be right, too. What I want, what I really want, is some sort of end. An end to this longing that’s so much a part of me I’ve forgotten what it’s like to be without it. And yet it doesn’t ever really end. It’s a scar. It will always be with me, and he will always be with me. I will always love him, he will always mean this much to me. My beautiful scar. Inescapable - the inescapable us. ‘The day we met up It's hard to get up And live it down’ * TBC Author’s note: Chapter title from the song Lovers Turn into Monsters by Bright Eyes. Songs quoted, in order, are: Not the Sun by Brand New, Me vs Maradona vs Elvis by Brand New, and The Inescapable Us by Matthew Good Band. Thanks so much for the feedback, it encourages me so much :) Please keep letting me know what you think!