Of Cinnamon and Christmas Trees It is when someone gets out the eggnog and canapés that something inside Brian shifts. He has never been one for Christmas, birthdays or any other festivities of that kind but there is alcohol and music, people seem to enjoy themselves and so he thinks ‘what the hell’. He shuts down the computers and pulls open the door to his office to find that people are gathering in the lobby of Kinnetik, around something that can only be a Christmas tree. It is only two more days until Christmas, Kinnetik will be closed for a week and everything reminds him of a Christmas party. A fucking Christmas party held at his very own agency. When Brian steps out of the door to his office the smell of cinnamon fills his nostrils and both Ted and Cynthia come to stand by his side. Ted takes his left arm and offers Brian a steaming mug of hot mulled wine, while Cynthia holds out a plate of sweets to him. Brian brushes her arm aside but takes the cup from Ted nonetheless. “Listen, Brian,” Ted starts and then Cynthia takes over. “We thought that after all we’ve been through this year – “ “The bombing –“ “Everyone deserved a little fun.” Ted then states the obvious. “So we organized a Christmas party.” Brian rolls his eyes. “I figured that much and would you please stop talking in turns?” He sips from his cup and notes to himself that it actually tastes quite good. As he takes a swift glance around the room, he notices how almost all of his employees are there, even those who took the week before Christmas off. They are all laughing and engaged in conversations and Brian wonders whether he has ever seen people enjoy themselves that much at party at work. Actually, he realizes that he has almost never attended one, except for in his first year at Ryder’s agency. “And you organized all of it when?” he asks and eyes Cynthia curiously. “Over the past week. We thought we’d give everyone a little notice,” she explains, “except for you, of course. You’d have run.” “I’m not going anywhere now, am I?” Brian sighs. It’s not like he could go anywhere either because Ted is keeping the hold on his arm. He shakes the hand off though and is about to retreat to his office when people step aside to let someone pass through. Justin weaves his way through the people and once he’s faced with Brian, he smiles at him. “What the fuck are you doing here?” Brian asks, his eyebrows raised in question. They’d been on the telephone, Justin supposedly in New York, only a couple of minutes ago, making arrangements for Justin to be picked up the following day. “I heard music from outside and I couldn’t resist taking a look,” Justin tells him and takes the cup from Brian’s hand. After a healthy gulp of the hot beverage, he leans in and his smile grows even bigger. “And someone had to keep you busy while they put up the tree.” “Fucking tree,” Brian mumbles before his lips brush against Justin’s. They haven’t seen in three months - two months, seventeen days and eight hours to be exact. But Brian isn’t pathetic enough to tell Justin that he secretly kept counting. Brian has always doubted that he’d ever get a hang for Christmas but with his arm around Justin’s hip, the taste of cinnamon on his lips and Justin’s head resting comfortably on his shoulder, Christmas doesn’t seem like the worst of ideas. That is why, much later, comfortably buzzed, he’s musing over how to make it a perfect Christmas for Justin. They’re curled up on the sofa in Brian’s office, with Justin straddling Brian’s legs and littering small kisses along Brian’s jaw line. “You should do this more often,” Justin mutters close to Brian’s ear. Brian merely sighs in reply and weaves his fingers through Justin’s hair. “Small parties at work. Did you see how everyone had fun? People would stop thinking you’re a self-loving, ignorant asshole.” “But I am!” Brian laughs and then goes all serious again. “Besides, they’d lose all their respect for me.” “Or what’s left of it after tonight,” Justin adds and loosens Brian’s tie. The number of people still present at the party has thinned out and Brian thinks maybe it’s time for them to leave as well but then Justin kisses him and going home can wait. Brian closes his eyes when Justin starts to deftly unbutton his shirt but instead of reveling in the soft touch, he wonders how to fit a tree into the loft. But then he has an even better idea. Justin and he don’t talk much that night, not on their way home from Kinnetik and not with words anyway, because they’re both drunk and horny. Nothing seems more important than getting of. But when the alcohol wears off and they sober up, their motions slow down, the laughing dies out and their love-making begins. They keep a watchful eye on each other, smiling when they tease spots they know will elicit a moan and they trace muscles and outlines of each other’s bodies. Justin’s mind goes blank when Brian starts nipping at the skin on his stomach and he’s far from being able to have a coherent train of thought. The only thing he knows is that he doesn’t want Brian to ever stop because it feel so good and he’s probably going to lose his mind someday because Brian drives him crazy. The lower Brian’s lips reach, the stronger Justin pulls on Brian’s hair, not pulling him off but urging him on. They both know that if Brian wanted he could make Justin come without even touching his cock and Justin has to admit that it’s really kind of embarrassing for him. But right in that moment, he doesn’t care. All he cares about is for Brian to do something, anything different than teasing the skin of his upper thigh. When Brian’s lips hover above Justin’s and Brian pushes deep inside him, they still stare at each other, gazing deep into each other’s eyes, both trying not to blink once and shatter the atmosphere they created. But it becomes too much for Justin when Brian leans in and kisses him with open eyes, stealing his breath. It’s this, Justin thinks, that keeps them grounded. From the outside it seems as if the only thing that they can make work is the amazing sex, but it’s not true. This, Justin thinks again while he reaches out pull Brian in for another kiss, says much more than any words ever could. It expresses their love for each other, their friendship and understanding and when they’re lost for words this will still be their way of communicating. When life becomes too much, this is their retreat, this is what proves to them that they still are. Alive. Loved. Justin tries hard but the tears fall anyway. When Brian sees them, he pauses thrusting but Justin only shakes his head and lifting up his hips, wanting Brian to go on. But Brian continues to stare at him, eyes wide, sweat glistening on his forehead. Justin takes a deep breath and then smiles. That seems to be Brian’s cue and suddenly, the awkward moment is over and they’re just Brian and Justin again. It’s the next day that they do last minute Christmas shopping. They both have presents for everyone already but with Brian, it seems that no present is ever enough. So he lets Justin pick something else for everyone. On the morning of Christmas Eve, gifts still need to be sorted out and wrapped but Brian insists that Justin gets into the car. They drive out of town and soon Justin figures out that they’re headed to the manor. He has no clue why but Brian doesn’t see to be in the mood for talking, so Justin doesn’t push it. They have hardly been at the house ever since Brian bought it. It’s so far out of the city, Justin is hardly ever back home and Brian doesn’t know what to do with himself out there. He’s had the living room, kitchen and a bedroom renovated and furnished anyway, in case the two of them should feel like taking a break from Pittsburgh and New York. They don’t need much more out there because it’s not like they make it out of the bedroom then, anyway. Justin is about to open his mouth and tell Brian that it is absolutely necessary for them to be back in the city for dinner at Debbie’s when he spots the pine tree lying next to the front door. “What is that?” Justin asks. “What does it look like?” Brian replies and hands Justin the keys to the car. “Get the stuff out of the trunk.” “You bought a Christmas tree? You actually want to have a Christmas tree?” The questions come pouring out of Justin because he can’t believe Brian actually does something remotely traditional. Once he’s swung his legs out of the car, Justin races around and backs Brian up against it. “I love you, Brian. You know that?” Justin mutters and it’s half a question, half a statement. Brian shrugs nonchalantly and wonders whether he did the right thing. There is no way he’s going to cope with an over-joyous Justin for three whole days. But at that moment, Justin’s cold hands push under Brian’s sweater and he nibbles at Brian’s neck and Brian forgets for a moment that he doesn’t do Christmas. “Let’s get inside. It’s fucking freezing out here.” Brian drags the tree into the house behind him, while Justin retrieves the decoration from the trunk of the car. Once they decide on the perfect spot – not to close to the fireplace, but still in the center of the room – Justin takes off his jacket and digs into the box of decoration. Everything is colored red or gold and looks very tasteful and not tacky. He pulls out the clear white Christmas lights first though. “Did you actually go out and buy all of this?” Justin asks Brian, who is lightening up a fire. Brian smirks but doesn’t say a word, which of course is all Justin needs as an answer. He’s fumbling with the lights while walking over to where Brian is standing, waiting for the fire to properly light up. Justin playfully puts the cable around Brian’s neck and pulls him in. His smiles is blinding and shining so much brighter than any light ever could. Those three words are on Justin’s lip again but Brian just shrugs and bites his lip, almost seeming shy, so Justin swallows them down and nuzzles Brian’s neck instead. They stay that way for a minute, just holding on to each other, reveling in the proximity until Brian lightly slaps Justin’s ass and tells him to get going. “We’ve an appointment for dinner tonight.” “Did you plan on driving out here over the holidays?” Justin asks a little while later when he puts the last strands of tinsel into the tree. “Gus might like to play out here in the snow, Mel and Lindsay can watch him from the kitchen. I thought it would be good to have something hinting at Christmas somewhere in the house.” “Of course you did,” Justin answers, tongue in cheek. He thinks it’s amusing how Brian doesn’t want to admit that he bought the tree only for him. “And I thought we could come out here for a couple of days after breakfast tomorrow, Kinnetik is closed and the family won’t bother us,” Brian suggests. Justin wants to tease him and say how romantic that is but he doesn’t. He only nods and informs Brian that Jennifer invited them for lunch on Christmas Day and that they’ll have to go there first, if Brian wants to join him, that is. “And after that you can have me all to yourself.” Eventually, Justin climbs down the ladder he needed in order to decorate the branches at the top of the tree and admires his work. Brian hardly helped because he knows Justin loves doing that kind of stuff and because it would really be out of character for Brian Kinney. Not that buying the tree in the first place wasn’t already. When Justin has shoved the box which contained the tinsel and the other items of Christmas tree decoration to the side, Brian switches off the light and they both look at the tree. The lights are shining brightly, coloring the inside of the living room in a mysterious golden glow, competing with Justin’s very own smile. He likes what he has done but always seeks approval from Brian, who walks up to him from behind. Strong arms snake around Justin’s waist and Brian’s chin comes to rest on Justin’s shoulder. “I never pictured myself saying this, but it looks good. For a Christmas tree.” “Of course it does,” Justin replies, faking an exasperated sigh, “I did it.” They both laugh and then Brian kisses the shell of Justin’s ear. “Merry Christmas,” he murmurs, barely audible. Nonetheless, Justin hears him and pats Brian’s hand before turning around his arms. “Thank you,” he tells him and walks them both over to the couch, where they sit down and admire the tree some more. They’re joking about how everyone will gush when they hear that Brian let Justin put it up. And then they fall silent and Brian looks at Justin in that particular way, which says that he wants to talk, needs to talk about something but doesn’t know how to start. Justin knows exactly what Brian wants to bring up but he squirms away, turning to face the fireplace. Brian keeps looking and soon enough, Justin gives up ignoring him. “What?” he asks, rather harshly. “Nothing,” Brian answers and shrugs. Justin wants to tell him, wants to let Brian know about anything he’s been thinking lately because he has been thinking so much about them and their situation and how it just doesn’t make him happy. He isn’t sure whether he can put all his thoughts into words. “I didn’t cry because…” Justin starts but then trails off, thinking his answer over. “It became too much, Brian. Do you know that feeling when your heart feels like it has to burst from happiness?” Justin looks at Brian and smiles. He wants him to feel assured that he’s not coming up with the idea of a break or complete break up, that it’s not one of those talks in which Justin tells Brian that he is looking for more, needs more, wants more. “I’ve been thinking.” “Never a good sign,” Brian mutters and bites his lip absent-mindedly. “Do you want to hear this or not?” “Enlighten me, Sunshine.” Brian snarls and suddenly, the romantic atmosphere disappears, Christmas and the hours before seem forgotten. Tucking away his feet under himself, Justin shifts on the sofa so that he can look at Brian, who’s by now sprawled out on the bigger part of the couch. “I came to realize a few things. I’m really lucky that every time I make a mistake, you still take me back in.” Brian snorts. How could he not when Justin’s so persistent? “And I wondered why I’m taking away what we have from both of us for the better part of the year by staying in New York.” “That is to say?” Brian asks, pinching the bridge of his nose. He knows what Justin implies but he wants him to say it, wants Justin to decide how to go on because he’s taken that away from Justin so often. Most of the times he is right in his decisions but sometimes, even Brian Kinney makes mistakes. “I was asking myself whether you’d take me back once more, if I ever decided to quit New York.” Justin says plainly. “Are you already tired of the big city?” “No, not at all. But I don’t think it’s what I want.” Justin tells him. “But maybe what you need?” Brian hates how he has to pose questions at Justin in order to find out what is bugging him. “So what do you say?” Justin bites his lip because Brian doesn’t answer him at first. He didn’t expect him to have to think about it so long. And then, Brian answers with a single word. “No.” Justin’s head swivels around. He also didn’t expect Brian to say that. But maybe Brian has a right to tell him no, Justin thinks. Slowly, he scrambles to his feet, leaving Brian on the sofa. “No, Justin. Not when the only reason you want to come back is because I bought you a fucking Christmas tree or because you’re bored.” “I’m not bored!” Justin protests again. “Then why?” “Because I know you want me here,” Justin started and just talked on as Brian was about to interject something. “Because you need me here. I can read that in everything you do – the way you touch me, the way we look at each other, when we fuck. Especially then, Brian. I don’t think I can take it anymore. The desperation with which we claw at each other every time I come back here is going to kill me. I come back here and it feels like I don’t belong into New York and I shouldn’t go back there. But here, everyone treats me like I’m a visitor and Pittsburgh doesn’t feel like home anymore.” Justin rubs his face with both hands. He’s been saying more than he intended to but it feels good to get it out. He knows that Brian will probably roll his eyes but Justin says the next few sentences anyway. “Only with you, it feels different. It doesn’t matter how long we haven’t seen, only for a couple of weeks or months on end. You never treat me differently. It’s almost like we’ve never been apart.” Brian nods. “I told you it would be only time.” “Of course. However, I’m afraid that once I come back that feeling will wear off. You know how things become a matter of routine.” “And that’s what you were fussing about?” Brian says. He doesn’t mean to but it’s out before he can bite his tongue. “Basically. Yes. I knew you’d…” “What? Say it’s ridiculous? Why, yes. Because it is.” Brian answers and sits up. “You should have figured that I do things differently. The word “routine” doesn’t even exist in my vocabulary.” Justin slumps back into the sofa. “But your answer is still no?” If Brian was someone who actually talked about his feelings he might start arguing with Justin about how he can’t come back to Pittsburgh without trying his best in New York, or how just because Justin feels a little homesick, he can’t come running back. But he doesn’t because Justin clearly has made his mind up already. And Brian surely isn’t going to complain. And he would never, never ever say ‘no’ to Justin because he has learned from the past. Things seem ultimately settled when Brian’s lips curl into a smile and he pulls Justin in for a kiss. “But that doesn’t mean I’m going to pack my things immediately and move back before the new year begins. I still need to finish some commission works. And my contract with the gallery binds me to them for another four months.” “Of course, but you can never start making preparations too early,” Brian runs his head through Justin’s hair and nips at his earlobe. “But they can wait for another few hours.” That morning, they make love next to the Christmas tree in between Christmas decoration and pine needles. Brian watches Justin’s face the entire time and this time there’s not a trace of a single tear. They leave the living room in a mess in the afternoon, not bothering to put the cardboard box away because they’re already late if they want to shower and change before they show up at Debbie’s. Brian could care less because all he cares about, even if he only admits it to himself, is that Justin is sitting beside him in the car, his smile bright and back in place. Every time they look at each other, they know what the other thinks and that is how it should be with them. Because, Brian thinks, words are really totally overrated.