When I think back on these times And the dreams we left behind I'll be glad 'cause I was blessed To get to have you in my life When I look back on these days I'll look and see your face You were right there for me In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky In my heart there will always be a place for you For all my life I'll keep a part of you with me And everywhere I am, there you'll be There You'll Be by Faith Hill Notes: Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic. *Mikey* I talked to Justin on the phone yesterday and he told me that he would meet me at the comic book store around noon today. Imagine my surprise when Ted showed up as well. He told me that Justin had asked him to show up also. I closed up the shop for a couple of hours so that we could have our ‘talk’ in private. I know that we’re going to have to cover some things, some … disagreements that we had before he left. I’m not saying that I’m sorry for anything that I’ve done. I mean … he hurt Brian. Okay, so maybe I was wrong in not talking to Justin first, and maybe finding out what the real reason was, but I mean come on. Brian’s my friend … and has been my friend for a whole hell of a lot longer than Justin’s been in our lives. I was right in telling him…. Wasn’t I? I don’t really know anymore. I talked to Brian when he was last here in Pittsburgh, and I know how Brian feels about the whole thing. I just … I don’t know, I guess I’m not used to this ‘new and improved’ Brian. Who would’ve ever thought that this …. This kid would be the love of his life, the one who would make Brian change his ways. Not me, that’s for sure. Okay, so maybe a part of me will always be holding out hope that maybe… just maybe Brian and I will get together. But I’ve had that fantasy for years, so I can’t really just give it up so easily. Right? I told Brian that I knew that Justin would hurt him again, and that I didn’t want to stand by and watch. I still feel that way… at least in part. I guess I just don’t really believe that what they have will last. Brian to me… I still have the same idea of him that I have always had… Come on, how many times did Brian tell me that he didn’t do love, and boyfriends, and relationships? Suddenly this little twinkie comes into our lives, and Brian is no longer the man that I know. He never did anyone more than once, and suddenly this kid is living with him? No one can really expect me to accept it all at once right? I have known him a long time, and suddenly everything changes on me. He’s not the same man that I’ve known most of my life. It’s just really hard to accept. But I’m trying… for Brian’s sake. Brian and Justin walk into the store, and Brian just moves to sit in a corner. I watch as Justin turns to him and gives him a look. “You can go now,” he tells Brian, and I guess a part of me wants to tell Justin that Brian can be wherever the fuck he wants. He’s Brian Kinney for fuck’s sake .. But I keep my mouth shut. “Yes, I can. But we have plans for later, since I have to head back home tomorrow, and I’m not going to fucking drive around the city wasting time. I’ll sit here and wait,” Brian says, as he pulls out a comic from the rack and begins to read it. Not that I think he’s really reading it, but he’s making a show of not caring what’s going on around him. “God, you can be such a pain in the ass sometimes,” Justin adds as he turns around and faces Ted and me. Justin looks at us and rolls his eyes. “Hey,” he says sheepishly, like he’d been caught with his hand the cookie jar. “So,” Ted begins, and I guess I’m sort of grateful. I mean I have no idea what to say, or how to start, so I’ll just leave it up to them. It’s safer that way. Of course there is a part of me that wants Brian to leave so that we can really talk. I just don’t feel right with him here. There’s so much that I want to say to Justin, but I can’t. Maybe that’s why Brian’s here. “Hey just pretend that I’m not here,” Brian tells us, breaking the silence that came across the room. Yeah, pretend that he is not there … like that would be easy. Justin just took a deep breath and blew it out. The tension in the room could be cut with a knife, and I wish I were somewhere else besides here. “Look, I know that you don’t like me, that you think that I am going to hurt Brian. I also know that there is nothing that I can say that will prove to you that I will not let that happen … there is no way I can prove to you that I’m sorry for ever hurting him before…” “Then you should’ve thought of that before you did,” I hear myself blurt out. “You’re right. I should have … but I’m not going to try and justify what I’ve done in the past, because I know now that it won’t happen again. Honestly, though… I don’t have to prove a damn thing to anyone here. I don’t have to make anyone here believe me … as long as Brian does, that’s all that matters. So nothing that either one of you say will make a damn bit of difference. I know what I did wrong, but I also know where you went wrong,” he said the last part looking directly at me. “I didn’t do anything wrong,” I tell him, and I don’t think that I did … not really. I hear Brian laugh slightly in the corner of the room, and Ted only looked away from me. “Okay… so maybe we all made some mistakes,” I finally say. “But I fully believe I was right in telling Brian about you and Ethan. You went behind his back.” ”And how many times did you tell me that he would never change! That he didn’t do love or relationships,” Justin yells at me. “And you,” he says looking at Ted. “You just stood there accusing me of the worst. Talking shit about me!” “Justin,” I hear Brian quietly say from his spot in the corner. I watch as Justin takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes. “What I am trying to say is that it would’ve been nice if you had come to me instead of going behind my back and saying shit. I thought we were all friends.” “We were,” I say, suddenly feeling like shit. “But I’ve known Brian longer, and I had to tell him.” Okay, so that is about as lame as I can think of … but it’s true, in a way. Yeah, Justin and I had some great times together, working together, hanging out … but I just don’t have the history with him that I do with Brian. He shouldn’t expect anything else from me. Justin looks tired as he runs a hand through his hair. “I don’t even know why I try. Why I’m even bothering? I’ve got too much other shit to deal with than to waste my time with some fucking adolescent view of how Brian should act and feel. Isn’t it enough to know that we have worked things out on our own? That there were two people who should’ve been in this relationship and that was Brian and I? Not Brian, me and the entire fucking Liberty Avenue gay community.” “What do you want from me … from us? An apology? We’ll I’m sorry,” Ted states. “I can’t excuse my behavior and trust me, I got hell about it already from Emmett. I was wrong… I’m sorry.” Justin only nods his head and turns his look toward me. “I’d do it again,” I tell him simply. I know I would, there is no doubt in my mind. I will always be there for Brian first and foremost and if Justin gets in the way… then that’s the way it will be. “I won’t say I’m sorry, I can’t … because it would be a lie. Maybe I should’ve asked you about it first, but I still would’ve told Brian. I won’t allow anyone to hurt him like that.” Justin only stands there, thinking about what I said. I meant every word of it, and I know in my heart that I will try to ensure that Brian is protected … even if it is from the man he loves. “All I ask is that you talk to me,” he said finally. “I don’t have many friends, and I shared things with you, Michael, that I had never shared with anyone. I would like to think that it means something … that what we had started in the way of friendship means something. I know that I can never get you to trust me, and I’ll be fine with that, but if you ever stab me in the back like that again….” He never finished the thought, and truthfully, I wasn’t sure I wanted him to. *********** *Justin* Brian left to head back home yesterday, and already I miss him. I know that it won’t be long before I’m there again … home with the man I love, with friends that care about us, and a job that I love. It won’t be long. Mom came home from the Hospital two days ago, and already she is trying to get me out of the house and ‘back where I belong’. I, of course, told her that I was sticking around for at least another week before I even thought about leaving her. She seems to be doing alright for the most part. She is a little depressed, but Marsha is still here and talking to her constantly. I’m glad that she had decided to head back to Atlanta when I go, and not before. She even told me that she might stick around for a little while longer if she was needed, but not for too much longer. She did have a practice of sorts down there that she couldn’t spend too much time away from. That and, of course, she’s still determined to keep an eye on Brian and me. I’m glad that my Mom feels comfortable talking to Marsha, ‘cause god knows I have NO idea what she’s going through. I don’t know what it’s like to lose a breast, or to have to fight this cancer everyday. The doctors were hopeful that they got it all, but she will still require tests every three months, and I have her guarantee that she will call me after each appointment to let me know what they say. Other than that, she seems to be fine. She’s tired, of course, and her appetite isn’t fully back yet, but I know that it will take time for everything to get back to normal. Molly has been great, helping Mom out around the house, and with everything that needs to be done. Deb takes Mom out shopping, and said she will come over to cook for Mom at least once a week. I don’t doubt that she will, either. Deb’s great. While I’ve been at work and Molly at school, Vic has been coming over and just sitting with Mom. They have had long discussions… about what I’m not sure I really want to know. It’s kinda scary to think about what those two would talk about, but I’m glad that he’s helping out as well. Of course Lindz has been bringing Gus over so that Mom can play … well Mom, or Grandma, which ever the case may be. She just loves to fawn over Gus. She spoils the kid rotten. Of course she told me one day that Gus is the closest thing that she has to a grandchild right now, and I know she’s hinting at me having a child with someone. I keep telling her that I am nowhere near ready for that type of responsibility. I don’t know if I ever will be, really. I feel bad about having to leave Mom so soon, but I know that I have to get back to my life. Pittsburgh is nice, but it no longer feels like home… hasn’t for a long time. The weirdest thing is that my Dad is actually being civil. He came to dinner with Mom, Molly, Brian and me one night. Okay, so it wasn’t what one would call a scene out of 7th Heaven… but it was still a shock. He’s come by every night just to sit and talk to Mom, and they have a ‘dinner date’ this weekend. So I’m a little scared for her … I mean what’s stopping him from hurting her again? I know, I promised myself and my Mom that I would give him a chance, but it’s not easy to let go. I’m trying, though. In the week since Brian left, Michael and I have been talking about another issue of Rage. He told me how he has had it on the back burner for the past year, and the public wants to know what’s happening in the lives of Rage and Zephyr. I don’t know. I told him I’d do it, but that my schedule would be tight. I still have school to go back to, work, and my relationship with Brian, but I promised him I would work on it as much as I can and we’ll work something out. It’s not much, but it’s a start. Mom is getting a lot stronger, and I know now that she will be alright. We Taylors are a strong bunch, and it’ll take a lot more than cancer … or a bat to the head … to bring us down. Deb and I are as close as we ever have been, and Emmett … what to say about him. Emmett has promised to come and visit again, especially since he had such a fun time last time he visited. Vic has also promised to come and visit. Lindsey and Mel have invited Brian and me to Christmas/Chanukah dinner with them in December, and they told us that we just HAD to be there for Gus’ birthday. Things actually seem to be like they were before I left … before everything got all fucked up. But I’ve decided that things will never be the way they were before. They can’t be. All I can do now is hope that maybe we can all meet halfway. My life here in Pittsburgh is over, but I don’t want to give up everything here. I mean, this is the place where I met Brian, where I fell in love with him, where our lives began. No matter what happens in the future, I will always treasure my time here. But Pittsburgh is the past, and I plan on leaving it there – well, with the exception of my friends here; I won’t give them up so easily. If they weren’t here, I would never bother with this city again, except for my memories. No Pittsburgh is my past …. It’s time to go home to my present … my future. It’s time to go home to Brian. ******** The End…. (well until the sequel….) Thanks guys for all your support and everything …. Acacia ©2002