Part 9 of For All Time By: Acacia When the dark wood fell before me And all the paths were overgrown When the priests of pride say there is no other way I tilled the sorrows of stone I did not believe because I could not see Though you came to me in the night When the dawn seemed forever lost You showed me your love in the light of the stars Cast your eyes on the ocean Cast your soul to the sea When the dark night seems endless Please remember me Dante's Prayer by Laura McKennitt Notes: Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic. Note 2: I don’t know a lot about the treatment of Breast Cancer, but the information I have is what a close friend of mine went through. So I’m not sure if it is the standard procedure or not, but… *Brian* I walk into the small waiting room, and immediately spot Justin sitting in one of chairs, with Daphne sitting next to him. I remember those fucking chairs, how uncomfortable they are. I refuse to think of the last time I was in this very same waiting room – waiting for word. I sit down beside him, noting that he is just staring at the pale, off-white wall across from him. I know what he’s feeling, the not-knowing, the pain. I hate that he has to go through this, and there is nothing I can do. I can’t change this; I can’t do anything to make this better. All I can do is be here for him, and Molly. Last night we moved into the condo so that we don’t disrupt Molly’s life too much. The loft will be our little sanctuary for when he needs a break, and I’ll make sure he gets that break. The other night at Lindsey’s, I tried hard not to get angry. I tried hard to let Justin deal with it on his own. But dammit, the shit they were trying to say… the shit that they did say… I wanted to scream. Michael and Deb…. I know they meant well, I know they care about Jennifer … but they were acting like everything is alright. Like they care about Justin. I think that only Lindsey, Emmett, and Vic were sincere in their concern. Of course Emmett and Vic just remained silent through the whole discussion at Lindsey’s but Emmett came by yesterday and Justin was grateful for that. Those two have a tight bond, one that I’m happy to see. Emmett has always tried to be there for Justin; he has always taken care of Justin, and cared for him. The two just sat on the couch and cried, allowing each one to take comfort in the other, and in their friendship. Daphne also stopped by, and I was never happier to see the young woman as I was at that moment. Out of all of our former “family”, Justin only feels safe with the three of us, and possibly Lindsey. He feels he can open up to us, and right now he needs that outlet. Daphne’s the only one who I believe truly understands. She understands in a way that Emmett and I cannot. Daphne has known that family for a lot longer than any of us; she knows how close he is to his mom, and sister. She knows things about them that I never will. Now sitting here in this fucking hallway, waiting for the doctor to give us some news, I look over at my lover. Daphne is sitting beside him, with his hand in her own. We give each other a small smile, and sit back and wait. Molly went to school this morning, at Jennifer’s request, but Justin and I both know that she deserves to be here with us. So at noon, we’re going to go and pick her up and bring her here. The surgery should be over by then or at least close to being over, and I know she never would’ve been able to handle hours of just sitting here. Hell, I’m not sure I can handle it myself. I reach my hand over and begin to try and loosen the tight muscles in Justin’s neck, and I watch as his head tips forward a little. I know that he’s trying to be strong, and I admire him for that. I just wish he wouldn’t feel like he had to all the damn time. I look down the hall toward the entrance, and I spot the gang standing there. Justin looked up at that moment, seeing what I was seeing, and closed his eyes. This is definitely the last thing that he needs right now, so I get up out of the chair and make my way over to them. I stood in front of them and nodded toward the front door leading out of the private waiting room. I see them pause, look in the room, then follow obediently behind me. The last fucking thing I want right now is a fight in the hospital. I look up at Marsha who is sitting in a chair in the main room, and I call her over. Why she is out here and not with us, I don’t understand, but she said that she wanted to give Justin the space he needed right now. She wanted Justin to come to her if he needed her, and not before. I guess I can understand that in a way. “We all need to talk, and talk now,” I say as I point to the chairs off to the side. They all sit down and look up at me. I turn to Marsha, and take a deep breath. “Go sit with him and Daphne. I think they’ll need you.” She nods her head and leaves the room, leaving me with the group. Maybe not the smartest move on her part. At least we’re in a hospital. “Brian,” Emmett quietly says, and I look at him. I can see the tears in his eyes, the love for Justin reflected in them. I nod to him, letting him know that things are okay, that they will be, anyway. I have to believe that, ‘cause anything else would destroy the façade I have on my face right now. I can’t let them know how scared I am, I won’t let them know – not right now. “Right now, I think it would be in everyone’s best interest if you all wait out here. Justin’s doing fine. He’s got Daphne, Marsha, and me in there with him. He doesn’t need all of you. I won’t tell you that you can’t be here, but if you want to find out what’s going on, you stay the fuck out here… away from Justin.” Deb, who I fully believe realizes the mistakes they all made before, only nods and grabs ahold of Vic’s hand. “Will you tell us as soon as you hear something? And let Sunshine know that we’re here… if he needs us.” “I’ll let him know. And as soon as we hear something, I’ll tell you.” I stand there for a second, and think. I know that Deb wants to try and fix things… unlike some of the others. Hell, I don’t think Mikey – as much as I love him – really believes that there is any problem. Ted: I don’t think he really cares one way or the other. He and Justin have never really been close; they just don’t have a lot in common. Mel, well, I know she means well, but her tough exterior isn’t something that Justin needs right now. “I’ll see what I can do on anything else; if Justin wants to talk to you. It’s just going to take time, and a whole hell of a lot of talking. But I’ll see what I can do,” I say, knowing that they need some sort of hope that things can return to normal, at least as normal as we can get. I don’t know why I felt that they needed it, but just looking in their eyes I can see that they care. At least most of them. ******** *Molly* Brian came and picked me up from school. Mom said that she didn’t want me to miss any school, and that I shouldn’t sit at the hospital. She told me that I would get bored, and ‘there is no reason for me to be there’. But she’s wrong… there is a reason, and Justin understands. I’m glad that he’s here, I missed my brother. Justin always had a way of making the bad things go away, and I hope he still can. Last night, when Mom went to sleep, Justin kept trying to call Daddy. No one knows where Daddy is, and right now, I don’t know if I really care. I don’t know what happened between him and Justin, but I know that it was something really bad. Daddy won’t even mention Justin, and Justin only gets a look on his face when Daddy’s mentioned. I only know what I’ve heard, and it’s not really good. Of course I can’t even begin to think of Daddy saying the things that I’ve heard. Daddy always loved Justin… Justin was always his favorite. I know that my brother is different, I mean who wouldn’t know that. Come on, I know he likes boys. But I like Brian, and Justin doesn’t love us any less because he likes boys. He still will let me lay in bed with him when I get scared. He’s still my brother. That’s why I don’t understand why Daddy doesn’t want anything to do with him. He’s still Justin… he’s still that bossy, annoying guy that I’ve always known. But he seems to be a lot stronger, you know, he’s tougher. But I’m glad he’s here… with Daddy gone, who would take care of Mom and me? And Brian… he’s hot. I remember when Justin was in the hospital the last time… Brian saw me sitting with Mom outside of Justin’s room. Brian told me that we should go out; let my mom have some time alone with Justin. Of course I knew that Mom didn’t want to be pushy, and she didn’t want to leave me alone, so Brian just told her that I looked hungry and that he was going to take me out to get something to eat. I tried to put on my best hungry look, knowing that she wouldn’t think anything other than what Brian and I had planned. So we went out and had ice cream, and ate pizza… we didn’t get back to the hospital for like three whole hours. I could tell that Mom was happy. She needed that time with Justin, and I wouldn’t have been able to get her to see him on my own. I guess if Justin has to like boys… at least he found a good one. Well, and he’s really cute… Brian takes me in to where Justin is, and he and Daphne leave the two of us alone. I’m sorta scared. I don’t want to lose Mom. I don’t think I could make it without her. If Mom doesn’t make it, where would I go? I know they would make me go to live with Daddy, but I don’t want to go with him. He wouldn’t let me see Justin, and I don’t think that I could do that. Maybe I need to talk to Justin’s friend Mel. She’s a lawyer… or something like that, she could tell me what I could do. Right? Justin turns to me and he smiles… not that big smile, but it’s a smile. I lean into his open arms, and put my head on his shoulder. If I ever get a boyfriend, I want him to be like Justin. He’s always there when I need him. Even though he’s, like, far away now, he still calls me all the time, and we chat on the computer every night. If I have a nightmare, he always talks me down from it. He told me a long time ago, that no matter where he was he would always be there for me, ‘cause brothers do that. I don’t know what I would’ve done if he had died. Justin told me what happened, even though Mom and Daddy didn’t want me to know. He told me that this kid from school had hit him in the head with a baseball bat. Justin never hid anything from me, not like Mom and Daddy. Justin said that he wanted me to know why he had been acting so strange. I remember that time when he started to throw things in his room. I was really, really scared. He sat me down later, and told me what had happened, he told me why he was so sad. I was happy for him when he was with Brian again. Brian makes him happy, and he makes me happy too. Brian is a really cool big brother, but I’ll never tell him that. He’s still kinda weird on the whole relationship thing. He’s funny like that. “Mom made it through the surgery,” Justin told me and I smiled into his shoulder. “It was worse than they had thought, but in time they say she’ll be alright. She’ll have to have check-ups every couple of weeks, and she’ll be sick for a while. She’s going to need your help, Mollusk.” I could tell from Justin’s voice that he was really sad, and that made me scared. He said Mom was okay, so why is he so sad. “What is it,” I ask him pulling my head off of his shoulder to look up into his eyes. Justin closed his eyes, and looked at me. This time he didn’t have a smile, and I wanted the smile back. “Mom is going to be sad for a while. The Doctor had to take one of her breasts, to get rid of the cancer and be able to get better. Mom won’t be able to fly for a while, and she won’t be able to get around real well for a while. They want to use chemotherapy for a couple of weeks to make sure that they got all of the bad cells. So we’re going to have to help Mom out, okay? She’s going to need you to help make her smile, make her happy. Okay?” ”Okay,” I tell him, as I wrap my arms around him. I guess I don’t really understand what is going on with Mom, but I know that if Justin says that Mom will need us, then I’ll be there. “What about you?” I ask. If I have to help Mom, what is he going to do? Who’s going to help him? “I’m going to make sure that you still have a roof over your head and food in your stomach,” he joked, tickling my sides. It’s good to see him laugh, even if it just a little. “Hey, you eat more than me, Jester.” “Oh yeah? That’s not what Mom says. Plus someone has to pay for that trip your class is going on,” he said. Of course that trip was one thing that I wished that Mom hadn’t told him about. It was just some stupid trip that my class was planning to some stupid camp or whatever. I didn’t want to go, but Mom was sooo excited for me. Why did she have to tell Justin about it? “Do you have to?” I ask, hoping I could talk him out of making me go. “Don’t want to go, huh? I know what you mean. I remember when Mom forced me to go to it…. I really, really hated it.” “So please don’t make me go.” Okay, I’m begging here. Please Justin, I beg using my best ‘puppy dog’ look. “We’ll see. Maybe we can get someone else to take you on a short trip, so Mom is none the wiser,” he said with a look in his eye. Did I say how much I loved my brother? ******** *Justin* Mom is still in the hospital. The doctors want her to stay there during her chemo, especially since she had a bad reaction to it the first time. Of course, while I’m not at the hospital with Mom, or at home with Molly, I’m at work. At times I wonder how Brian puts up with me. Molly and I have been doing what we can around the house, and Brian’s been a big help. God, I don’t know what I’d do without him. I know I’d go insane. I’ve been trying to reach my Da…, I mean Craig, for days. I don’t know if he really can’t call home, or if he just doesn’t want to talk to me. Molly needs him, and so does Mom… I can put away my dislike for the man for them. They need him, so I can swallow my pride and call him. I guess he just doesn’t want to talk to me. I can’t help but wonder why he hates me so much. Brian doesn’t say much on that subject, he just tells me that I have to do what I have to do. And if I feel that Craig needs to be here, then I should keep trying. I know that I shouldn’t get my hopes up, that I shouldn’t let him hurt me anymore, but I can’t help it. No matter what he’s done to me, what he thinks of me, I still remember a father that loved me. I still remember a father who would do anything for me. I still love that man. I wonder what happened to him. Brian went to pick up Molly from school when the phone rang. I had already talked to Grandma earlier, so I know it’s not her. Of course I did ask her if she could find Craig and tell him what was going on. “Hello, Taylor residence,” I say. Hey, this isn’t my home anymore. “Put Jennifer on the phone,” the other voice orders. ‘What an asshole’, is the only thing that is going through my mind. “I guess you didn’t bother to check your messages,” I reply. I wonder how long I can keep my tone light. “What are you talking about? Put your mother on the phone.” “Well Craig, I don’t think that I can do that,” I practically hiss. “Now listen here, young man…” “No, you listen,” I begin. I know that my voice is rising, and frankly I don’t care. How dare he… where the hell has he been for the past week! “If you had been able to get your dick out of your secretary’s ass long enough you would know that Mom is in the fucking hospital.” “Don’t you talk to me like that,” he yells. I know that the second half of that sentence is only now just registering, and I wait for his reply. “What the hell do you mean, your Mom is in the hospital?” he asks. “As I said, Mom is in the hospital. She found out she had breast cancer, and she went into surgery on Monday. If you gave a damn about your fucking family, like you say you do, then you would’ve known that,” I spit out. All the time he fucking blamed me for the downfall of the family. Telling me how it was all my fault, and I actually believed him. I actually let his words hurt me. Well look who’s the one at fault now, *Dad*! It sure as hell isn’t me. “What?” “She had her left breast removed on Monday, and they are keeping her there at the hospital for chemo. I would like to think that you fucking care enough to go and visit with her, and maybe even see your daughter. Molly needs you, and so does Mom.” “Why didn’t anyone tell me?” he asks. He honestly sounds hurt and confused by it. In a way I’m glad, but then again, I know that it’s not really fair to him. I know he does love Molly, and he did at one time love Mom. “We tried. They people at your office said you were unreachable. No one could get you on the phone to tell you.” “Where are they at?” “Mom is at Mercy hospital. Brian and I are staying at the condo with Molly,” I say, letting him know exactly what is going on. Letting him know that MY LOVER can be here, when HE can’t. “Why don’t you come and see your daughter? She’s beginning to think that you don’t care. I’ll expect you within the hour. We’ll be here.” I hang up the phone, not wanting to hear his bitching about Brian being here. I want to have my talk with the man who called himself my father on my own terms, on my own turf. If there’s one thing I learned from my Mom it’s that you don’t give Craig an inch. You tell him when and where he’s supposed to be. If you don’t, he won’t show. Brian can be like that at times, not that I’d tell him that. But he’s getting better, and that’s something that I can’t say is true of my father. I hear the door open, and Molly tears up the stairs. “Do your homework,” Brian calls after her. I try not to laugh. I mean, really, Brian being all fatherly and bossy. I know that it’s hard for him to help care for an eleven year old, especially when it’s a girl. What do either one of us know about girls? Luckily Deb and Vic are coming over tomorrow night to make dinner for us, and Daphne said she’s going to take Molly out afterwards for a ‘girl’s night out’. Deb honestly wants to try and fix things between us, and I guess I can try to give her that chance. We’ll sit down after Molly leaves tomorrow and have a talk. She has always been good to me, and I want to have her back in my life. I want to try. Brian comes into the living room and sits down on the couch, propping his feet up on the table, and his head back on the couch. I reach up and pull his head into my lap so that I can run my fingers though his hair, and rub his temples. He looks exhausted, and I know he’s had a bad day. Vance decided that since Brian was here, he could work on all his ‘old’ clients. Brian’s been busting his ass working on the Liberty Air, Brown Athletics, and many others, all because Vance says that no one else can do it. I know that’s bullshit, but who am I to say anything? Of course, what I’m about to tell him isn’t going to make him any happier. Might as well get it over with. “Bri,” I begin. Fuck, I do NOT want to do this. I should’ve gotten the number where Craig was at so that I could call him back and tell him not to come. Oh well, it’s too late now. Brian looks up at me, and I try to smile. “Craig called.” I can instantly feel Brian’s muscles tense. “I told him that he should get his ass over here to see his daughter.” Brian sat up and I instantly feel the loss. “When?” “I told him to be here in an hour. I don’t know when that will be, exactly, ‘cause I sorta hung up on him,” I tell him. He turns to look me in the eyes, and I see a small smile appear on his face. “You hung up on him? What else did you do, or say?” “He called and demanded to talk to Mom. He was pissed that I wouldn’t put her on the phone. I told him what had happened and where Mom is. Of course he instantly became more pissed that no one had told him…. And well I sort of….” “What did you say?” he prods. I mumble something under my breath, not really wanting him to know, but in a way I guess I do. I mean, I’m supposed to be the calm one, the rational one, right? “What was that? I didn’t really catch that.” Okay, I was hoping to avoid this discussion, but he’s just so damn persistent. “I simply told him that quote: ‘If you had been able to get your dick out of your secretary’s ass long enough you would know that Mom is in the fucking hospital, unquote.’” I can see a small smile on Brian’s face as he shakes his head. “Oh, my little pit bull,” he said laughing. “So maybe it wasn’t the right thing to say, but what do you expect,” I say, trying to redeem myself some. “Pit bull?” “Yeah, you have one hell of a bite,” he laughs. “Really?” I ask, as I move closer to him on the couch. “I’ll show you just how hard my bite is.” I lean in and begin to nibble on his ear, moving down toward his neck. Once I reach a spot near his jugular, I bite down a little harder, knowing that I’ll get a solid response out of him with that. Brian reacts quicker than I imagined, ‘cause within a second he has me pinned down on the couch and is leaning his full body over mine. “Maybe I should call you a vampire. That fucking hurt.” “What, can’t take it?” I innocently ask. “Poor baby, want me to kiss it and make it better?” Brian’s only answer is to lean down so that our lips are only centimeters apart. I close my eyes, expecting him to close the distance, but I suddenly feel his teeth on my neck. “Ow, Brian… stop,” I say, knowing full well that I really don’t want him to stop. He knows it, too. “No,” he breathes against my neck, and I can only close my eyes tighter and enjoy the ride. I feel myself begin to harden, when I hear a knock at the door. Fuck, my Dad. “Fuck,” Brian curses against my neck. Slowly he pulls himself up and off of me. “Later,” he promises, as he pulls me to a sitting position. And I know that Brian always keeps his promises. “Later,” I agree. Brian goes and opens the door for my Dad, and I can almost feel the tension between the two all the way up the stairs. Brian leads him into the living room, and then he heads out toward the kitchen, giving the two of us some time alone. “Craig,” I say. I will not call him Dad, or Father, to his face anymore. He says I’m dead to him… well my Dad is dead to me, too. “Where’s Molly?” he asks, not looking at me. He’s looking everywhere in the room except toward me. “She’s up in her room doing her homework,” I tell him. “Can’t even look at me can you? What, don’t want to see your gay son, or is it that you don’t want to see your crippled son? Which is it?” “Justin,” he begins, and I know that I don’t want to hear his fucking excuses. I don’t want to hear his thoughts. “Don’t even… God! Where the hell were you? Mom needed you, Molly needed you… Where the fuck were you? I know you weren’t on a fucking business trip, ‘cause your work told me so after the tenth time I tried to contact you.” “I don’t have to clear my schedule with you,” he angrily stated as he finally turned his attention to me. The look didn’t last long, ‘cause the moment he caught my eye he turned back to look at the fireplace. “How is she?” “Like you fucking care.” “I do care!” “Bullshit! If you cared you would’ve let Mom know where you were at. If you cared you would’ve checked your voice mail. What if Molly had been in a serious accident, and she needed you for a blood transfusion or something? What if something like that happened? Could you have lived with yourself knowing that she died because you were too busy with your new girlfriend to find out what is going on with your family.” “You don’t know anything.” I take a deep breath, and try to calm myself. The last thing I need is for Molly to hear any of this. Hell, I half expect Brian to come out of the kitchen and kick my dad’s ass. “You’re right, I don’t know anything. And honestly, I don’t give a damn. You say that you love Molly, that you want what’s best for her. You’ve threatened Mom with taking Molly away from her, all because you don’t want Molly to be around me. You told Mom that you won’t allow Molly to come down to Atlanta to spend time with me, but yet you can go away and not even bother with your family. Mom needed you. She needed you to be here to help out with Molly. But instead she called me. She called me to come here and help her out. I now have the Power of Attorney that lets me have a say in Molly’s well being. I have the say on whether or not she sees you… want to give me a good reason why I should allow that to happen?” “You can’t tell me when I can see my daughter, or what I do. I know now, and I’m here now… I will not let Molly be in this house with …. with the two of you,” he says. “I am her father, and I think I know what’s best for her. She needs to be with me, at least until Jenn is out of the hospital.” How dare he?! He walks in here with the fucking superior attitude, acting like he owns the world. Well, I will not stand by and let him ruin our lives anymore. Not anymore. I quickly move so that I can look him in the eye… and realize that it was probably the dumbest thing that I have ever done in my life. Fuck!!!! Instantly I feel the pain shooting up my leg from where it hit the edge of the table. I bite the inside of my lip to keep from crying out in pain, and close my eyes to try and concentrate on stopping the constant throbbing in my lower leg. I can feel the tears running down my face, as I fight for every breath that I can bring into my lungs. Fuck it hurts so bad… “Justin?” I can barely make out my father asking me. “Justin?” I hear Brian ask beside me, and I don’t remember him coming into the room. “What the fuck did you do to him?” I hear him ask my father. “He didn’t do it,” I get out. I can hear the pain in my own voice. “Knocked it on table,” I manage to tell him. “Okay, I’m taking you to the hospital,” he informs me as he grabs ahold of my hand. “No,” I tell him. That’s the last thing I want to do. Did I mention how much I HATE hospitals? I hear Molly come down the stairs, and I try to compose myself some. The last thing she needs is to see me in this much pain. She has enough to deal with. “Justin…. Brian is Justin okay?” “I’m fine,” I tell her, grateful that my voice sounds strong. “Homework done?” I don’t even try to get full sentences out right now… I don’t know if I’d be able to, even if I tried. “Yeah, can we go see Mom now?” she asks. I almost want to say no, but I can guess that it won’t work. It seems that since she has been staying with Brian and me, that the two of them have created some sort of secret language. If it’s not one, it’s the other, trying to get me to do something, or to take a break. They have both been ganging up on me, making me do things that I wouldn’t do for one of them. I’m helpless against the two, though. So I don’t even try. “Get ready,” I tell her, resigning myself to a hospital visit. Not to see my Mom, but to get whatever checks that Brian deems necessary. Fuck! As much as I love Brian, he can be such a mother hen at times. Brian picks me up, despite my protests that I can walk. I have my crutches after all. He has Molly take my crutches and he turns to my Dad. “You coming or no?” I can almost see the steam coming out of Brian’s ears. I know how much those words had cost him. He is a lion protecting his mate, and I, for one, wouldn’t want to be in my Dad’s shoes now. Lucky for my Dad, he gets up and follows us out to the car. Brian holds me up against the rental, and lets Molly in first. He carefully sets me in the passenger seat, and shuts the door. I hear him asking my Dad if he is going to ride with us, then telling him that he is to keep his fucking mouth shut. All the way to the hospital, you can feel the tension in the air. It’s so strong. My Dad hates Brian and me, and Brian hates my Dad. Molly, of course, is trying to make us all laugh with stories from school, or things that we did when we were little. It makes the ride a little more comfortable; not much but a little. As soon as we arrive, Molly takes Dad away to Mom’s room, while Brian leads me toward X-ray. He had called ahead and gotten my old doctor to see me. Quickly I am rushed off to X-ray, and I can only hope that everyone will still be alive when I get out. ******** Once I get done with the doctor, I look down at my ‘instructions’. Luckily there was no damage to the bones, and the healing is going well. At least I didn’t have a setback, ‘cause honestly I don’t think I could handle it if I had to be stuck in a wheelchair again. Brian and I make our way toward Mom’s room, and Brian tells me that he’s going to pick up my prescriptions. Great, more pain killers… I hate those damn things. Granted, I hate taking any meds. I think I’ve had enough to last ten lifetimes. As I walk into my Mom’s room, I see something that I never thought I’d see again. My Dad is holding my Mom in a tight hug, and letting her cry on his shoulder. I think that this is the first time that she’s cried over this. Molly is lying on the bed with Mom, resting her head on Mom’s stomach. I begin to turn, not sure if I would be welcome. They are the family now… I’m sort of the outsider. “Justin,” I hear my Dad say. Turning around I see him open his arm for me to join them. I walk up to him, actually limp over, and sit in the chair next to him. I feel him wrap his arm around me and hold me close. I feel the tears appear in my own eyes, as I feel something that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Something that I never thought I’d feel again. The love my father has for me. I have my family back even if it’s for a short time. But I will never forget this moment. It’s the moment I knew that my father really did still exist... That my Father loved me. ********* TBC….