You think you're special You do I can see it in your eyes I can see it when you laugh at me Look down on me You walk around on me Just one more fight About your leadership And I will straight up Leave your shit Cause I've had enough of this And now I'm pissed Yeah This time I'm 'a let it all come out This time I'm 'a stand up and shout I'm 'a do things my way It's my way My way, or the highway --My Way by Limp Bizkit Notes: Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic. Told in Brian’s POV The moment I get off of the plane in Pittsburgh, I begin to feel this sudden dread. I can’t explain it, I don’t even know what the hell it is, or why I’m feeling this way. Fuck! I am so fucked up lately that I can’t even think straight. Marsha made sure to let me know before I left that I could call her day or night if I wanted to talk, and somehow I think that after this week back in my old stomping grounds, I may need a taste of what is important in my life now. I only wish Justin were here with me, but I know that mentally he’s still not fully ready to deal with all the shit that happened here. I can’t blame him for that either. He’s been through so much these past couple of years that it surprises me that he hadn’t tried to kill himself before. Just thinking about his suicide attempt scares me to death. I know that I can’t live without him anymore, and the thought that he was in so much pain that he felt he had no other recourse than to end it all – hell, I don’t know what I would’ve done if he had succeeded. I guess that’s the real reason why I’m here. I have to try and get past this – as Justin calls it – “Brian ‘Fuck Machine, I don’t give a shit’ Kinney”. If I don’t try and put all – if not some – of these damn demons that haunt me day and night to rest, then I can forget about any future with Justin. No matter what he says, I know that if I go back to the way I was before, then he’ll leave me again. And that is something that I never want to go through again. We’ve come so far in these past couple of months – grown closer together, in a way that I never thought possible. He’s more a part of me than he ever was before. What’s even more frightening is that it doesn’t scare me like I thought it would. At least that was before I stepped off that damn plane here in Pittsburgh. So here I am heading through the parking lot toward my rental car, wishing I was anywhere but here. It’s too late in the day to head to the office, since I’m sure that Vance is gone for the day, and I know that I am NOT ready to face the others yet. I decide that just going to the loft tonight is the best idea in the world. I need to try and decide how I’m going to handle this week with the guys. I have to confront them, but I don’t know how to do that, or even what to say. I don’t know why I have this urge to tell them all to leave me the fuck alone, but I know that I can’t live without Mikey. He’s been there for me for a hell of a long time, and I’m not ready to burn that bridge – I can’t burn that bridge. But there are things that I have to find out, things that I have to know, and things that I have to tell them all. I need them – especially Mikey – to be there for me now. I need them to be able to accept the fact that I’ve changed – that I’m different. I don’t know how or what I’m going to do, but I can only hope that if they are truly my friends, they will allow me this one thing. I head toward the loft – since I never sold the thing when I left here. I was never really sure if I was going to come back here or not. I wasn’t sure if this thing with Justin would work out, and I always make sure that I have a back-up plan. My plans were to rent the space out, and luckily there is no one living here now. Slowly I open the large metal door and step inside – placing my bags beside the bar, and walk in. The furniture is scarce, since I had taken all of my shit down to Atlanta with me, but I made sure that there was at least a bed, phone, and couch. This damn loft has never felt this empty to me. All I want at that moment is to be back at home with Justin – since this place no longer feels like home to me. Maybe I have been away too long, I don’t know. I hate that I had to come up here now, since Justin has a doctor’s appointment on Thursday to see how his leg is healing. What if it isn’t healing right? What if he will never walk again? Why the hell can’t I be there for him during this time? Fuck! I go to the phone and dial the number I know by heart and wait for him to pick up. Despite the late hour – it’s really only 10 – I know that Justin will be up. I told him I’d call as soon as I got in. “Hello,” Justin said on the other line. “Hey, baby,” I say back to him. “How’s the weather up there?” I can almost see him smiling at me, laughing at me. God, he needs to be punished for that little remark. “It’s cold, snowy, and shitty. What the hell do you think it is? It’s February in Pittsburgh,” I joke back at him. “So what’s it like there?” I know full well what it’s like down there. Cold, but not as cold as here. It’s most likely sixty or so. “Not too bad,” he explained. “I’ve got a fire in the fireplace going, and I’m just sitting here working on my application.” I smile a little at that. Justin and I had been talking a lot lately about him going back to school, and I’m glad that he’s going to continue. He deserves to have an education, and knowing that he’s going back to get his art degree warms me up from the inside. “So have you talked to the Dean yet?” “Yep, this afternoon as a matter of fact. I can transfer my credits from PIFA down without any problems; I just need to get a copy of my transcripts from there. But that shouldn’t be too much of a problem. The Art Institute down here has a little different program, but I think I found the area I need to be in. We’ll see, though.” I’m glad that they are going to let him in. He has worked hard these past couple of months to get his hand back to where – or at least close to where – it was before the accident. Of course it will never be as good as it was before Hobbs, but to me he will always be the best damn artist I’ve ever seen. He needs his art, and knowing that he’s going to be able to follow his dream once again is the best damn news I have gotten in a long time. “I’ll stop by the Institute tomorrow after I get done with my meeting and pick one up.” “Thanks.” I can almost hear Justin’s mind working, as he thinks about what he wants to say next. “So are you going to see the guys tomorrow?” There it was. I know he’s worried about me, hell, I’m worried about me – but I know that I have to try and ease his mind. I’m not going to leave him. I didn’t come up here to ‘relive my old days’. I didn’t come here to distance us so that I can go back down there only to leave him. I know he’s scared, but he has no reason to be. “I don’t know, maybe. Don’t worry, Justin. I’ll be fine,” I tell him trying to ease his fears. “Brian, you know that you don’t have to do this. Not for me. I don’t care about any of that shit. I love you,” he informs me. I know he’s right, but what type of partner would I be if I did put him through all of that shit? What type of man would treat his lover the way I have treated him in the past? I have to put an end to it before I destroy him, and that’s what I’m going to do. No matter what the cost. “Justin, I’m not doing it for you,” I tell him. Really, I’m not doing for him. I’m doing this for me . . . for us. I have to be the man that he deserves. I have to at least try. “Don’t worry about a thing. I’ll be back next Tuesday, and then we’re going away for a couple of days. Just the two of us.” “Any idea where we’re going? Or are you going to keep me in the dark,” he asked me. I know that it’s been killing him to be in the dark, since I mentioned us going away. I have just the place in mind, but I’m not going to tell him that. Of course I can’t hide anything from him, so he knows that I have something already planned, but I’m not telling him. “Come on, Brian,” he whines. God I love it when he says my name like that. It makes me instantly hard. Fuck! Why am I here again, and not there fucking him into the ground? “How am I supposed to pack if I don’t know where we’re going? How am I supposed to know what to wear? Are we going somewhere warm, cold . . . Just tell me,” he begs. “Pack warm clothes, and that’s all I’m telling you, so don’t ask again,” I tell him with a smile on my face. I can just picture us now – walking along the beach late at night, sitting in the tropical sun together. It should be a very interesting trip. I can’t wait to take him for a longer trip than just the couple days I have planned now, but that will have to wait until Summer, or at least later in the year. One day soon, I’m going to take him to Europe; I know he dreams about going there. But for right now, a couple of days on the beach will have to do. Especially for what I have planned. “You are no fun,” he informs me. I know he’s joking, but he’s also trying to sound hurt so I’ll tell him. Fat chance of that happening. “That’s not what you said last night,” I say back to him. “Asshole,” he laughs. “Listen, I better get unpacked and get some sleep so that I can face Vance tomorrow.” “Sounds like fun.” “In whose life?” I know I should just say good-bye and hang up, but I can’t bring myself to do that. I’ve only been gone a couple of hours, but already it seems like forever. Just a couple of hours back here in this place is draining me – I can feel it. I don’t want to lose this connection with what I know I have to do – with what I want. “You get plenty of sleep. And Brian,” he begins. I know what he’s doing, and I’m grateful that he can still see through to what needs to be done. He can tell that we need to say good night – never NEVER goodbye. I hate that word. He also knows that it’s killing me to say it. “Yeah,” I ask, wondering what’s going on in that head of his. “Don’t worry about a thing. Remember you are doing this for you – it’s something that you feel you have to do. I’m proud of you for taking this step.” I can almost feel the tears forming behind my eyes at his words. Hearing someone say how proud he is of me is something that I haven’t heard a lot in my life. Someone is proud of ME! “Just remember, they are your friends, and they love you no matter what. Don’t give up on them or yourself. If things get bad, just call me. Just remember what we have planned for next week – even though you won’t tell me,” he says the last part as a joke. I have to smile slightly. He always has a way of grounding me. “Love you.” “Love you too, baby. Talk to you tomorrow.” “Later,” he says. “Later,” I whisper back. I hang up the phone, and grab my bags. After unpacking, I collapse on the bed, wishing for the millionth time that day that Justin was there with me. ************** It’s early morning when I make my way through Vanguard Headquarters toward Vance’s office. I want to get in there and get out as soon as I can. I can almost bet that he’s going to try and get me to work on some fuckup that someone did, or get me to do something that he feels he’s too important to do. I already told Vance, after he fucking practically begged me – that I would stay here for a week to help him get things finalized on this account, but nothing else. I just know he’s going to try and get me to do other shit. That’s just the way he is. Well, fuck that. I don’t plan on working long hours this week. I just want to get this shite over with so that I can go on vacation, especially since Justin and I haven’t been on a vacation ever. Our last attempt was ruined because of business and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let this one get ruined as well. Fuck that. I walk up to his secretary’s desk and ask to see my partner. She checks with him via the speaker, and I am let in immediately. As soon as I get in, I place the file on his desk and sit down in the chair across from him. “The Parkerson account just like you asked. Signed, sealed, and delivered,” I say, trying to keep the smugness out of my voice. Once again, I saved his ass by getting one of the – no THE largest account this firm has yet to get. I know that it must eat him alive to know that I have been able to get all these accounts, when in the past he had so much trouble even getting in the door to see these people. I know that this account was one of the ones, just like Brown Athletics, he was unable to get. “Excellent. I’m sure that everything is in order.” Vance said as he begins to look over the contract and the copy of the ad Rick had done. “I received a call from Marcus Franco,” he begins. Marcus Franco is the CEO of the Parkerson Estates. They are a world-renowned agency dealing with some high-class travel – the type of people that only the rich and famous deal with. The fact that they are broadening their horizons throughout the world is an added plus for Vanguard. “Mr. Franco was quite impressed with the work that you did down there, and was amazed with the talent and class of people who we have in the Atlanta office.” I could’ve told him that, but I keep my mouth shut. There are times to be a smart ass and this wasn’t one of them. He was getting to his point here somewhere, and I would just have to wait to see what he wanted to really say. “I can say that I am also impressed by the whole campaign. Who were the ones who handled this account?” Now I definitely have to watch what I say. If Vance were to know about my relationship with Justin, I don’t know what he would think. Not that I really care, but it could reflect badly on Justin, and that’s not something that I want him to have to go through right now. He has enough problems with some of his co-workers because of his relationship with the ‘boss’. Besides Vance doesn’t need to fucking know. “Rick Johnson, Kate Richards, and Justin Taylor.” “Yes, a fine group, from what I hear. They have been a great asset to this firm. And from what I understand they are the very reason why we have some of the accounts that we do.” Vance just looks at me with his hands steepled together and fingers pressed to his lower lip, deep in thought. He’s trying to get me to say something, but I refuse and keep the mask of indifference on my face. Let him try and figure it out. “In fact, Mr. Franco tells me that he will work with no one else. He wants these three to be the only ones to work on his account.” This news doesn’t really surprise me, since there are a lot of accounts that will not be handled by anyone else but those three. A lot of the people who come in, come to us because of Rick, Kate, and Justin. They are amazing; no one can deny that. “He told me the same thing before he left on Monday,” I inform Vance. I continue to wonder where the hell he’s going with this, but I continue to keep my mouth shut. “I’m sure that they have been working hard on this account for a while now, and we can’t let them get over worked,” he stated. Now I see where he’s going with this. I try not to laugh, cause I know he is trying to figure out a way to keep the three of them with the firm. He’s worried that they’ll pack up and go to bigger and better things. Vance sees dollar signs – he sees the three as a solid investment, a way of making more money. Not that I can blame him, I’ve thought the same thing, but I, at least, see them as people, where he doesn’t. “I wouldn’t worry about that too much, I gave them all next week off. They all had brought to my attention their long hours and the effect on their personal lives, so I told them to take a week off to regroup.” “Good. Excellent. But I was actually thinking of a little more than a week off.” Okay, now I’m interested. I had thought about giving them all a raise, but I have to be careful what I do with Justin since I don’t really want people to think that I’m paying him for something that isn’t the truth. I don’t need people to think that I’m paying him to be with me. Fuck that. Fortunately, Vance had already prepared the proper documents to give them all a raise. I can’t help but think of how Justin and I will celebrate this new raise. We continue to talk about what will be happening for the rest of the week, and by lunch time I take my leave for the day. When I leave the office, I head straight for PIFA to get Justin’s transcripts, then it’s off to the diner. I know I should wait for this confrontation – the one I know I’m going to have – but I don’t want to put it off any longer. I have to start to get rid of the old Brian Kinney so that I can begin my life with Justin. ************ As I walk into the diner, I see that Deb is working – as usual. She immediately spots me, and starts to make a scene, of course. Hell, I can’t really blame her; the last time I saw anyone from here was back in September when Justin was in the hospital. “Well, I’ll be damned. Brain Kinney coming to hang out with us low folk.” I walk over to her and kiss her lightly on the cheek. “You are looking as lovely as ever,” I tell her. She lightly hits me on the arm, and I move over to the counter. “No need to try and flatter me. I know all your games,” she pretends to scold me. I think she saw the look on my face ‘cause she stopped and bent over the counter to look me in the eye. “What’s wrong, sweetie? Is Justin okay?” I shake my head – clearing my thoughts. How do I tell them that they don’t know me anymore? They don’t know who I am now. I begin to wonder if I can actually do this. What will they think? Will they turn their backs on me? I don’t think I can survive if I don’t have them in my life – even if it is from miles away. “Justin’s fine, Deb. In fact he’s going to be going back to school in another month or so,” I inform her. I am so proud of Justin that I can’t keep it hidden. I don’t want to either. I know that Deb loves Justin like one of her own; she always has and always will. I hope to have her come down one day this coming summer to stay with Justin and I. I know Justin would like that. No matter what he may say about not being ready to face them yet, I know that he misses each and every one of them. Even Michael. Deb places a cup of coffee in front of me, then leans forward to rest her arms on the counter. “So what’s wrong? Things are going okay for you and Sunshine right?” “Things couldn’t be better,” I tell her. So it’s mostly true, but since we got on this subject, I begin to feel a little defensive about my relationship with Justin. I remember all the times that one of us was getting yelled at or scolded because of something. I remember all of the looks everyone gave us, all the sighs of defeat. They have always judged us, and tried to fix us. That was part of the reason why we had some many problems here. Everyone tried to fix the problem – even if there wasn’t a problem, we would come up with one ‘cause everyone seemed to think that they had to make an issue out of it. Whatever IT was. “I’m here on business, nothing more. I’ll be here for a couple of days, then I’ll be going back home.” I can see that she’s pleased with what I told her, at least she’s partly pleased. I told her I’d be going home. Home is wherever Justin is for me. It’s that simple. Even if we had to live in a box under a bridge – if Justin was there with me it would be home. But it was the look that she gave me. The quick flash in her eyes. The look that said ‘don’t screw this up.’ I want to yell, I want to scream, but I don’t. Instead, I just level my eyes to her own, and calmly tell her how it is. “I don’t trick, Deb, so you can forget about it. I love Justin, and I’m not going to fuck it up.” Suddenly she reaches across the counter and pulls me into a tight hug, practically crying on my shoulder. “You little fuck. I knew you could do it. I’m so fucking proud of you.” I feel a little embarrassed as people in the diner turn to look at the display. “Okay, Deb. Fuck,” I say as I pull away from her. “Can we keep the motherly love display down to a minimum? It’s not a big deal.” “The fuck it ain’t,” she says, hitting me upside the head. I try not to laugh. I forgot what it was like having Deb around all the time, and I find myself missing it. “You’ve finally grown up. I never thought I’d live to see the day.” “It’s no big deal. Justin told me that he didn’t care, but . . .” I begin. That was something that had been bothering me from the moment Justin had said that. No matter what he said, I knew that if I did go and fuck around it would kill him. Things would never be the same. I would destroy the one thing in my life that means anything to me, and I won’t do that. “I can’t do that to him,” I honestly say to her. I know that Deb will understand. She may think I’m an asshole, but she has always been supportive of Justin’s and my relationship. Okay, so she was a little TOO supportive at times, but that’s just the way she is. Deb won’t let anyone mess with one of her boys, even if it is one of her boys that is doing the messing. “Atlanta has been good for you,” she tells me with a sad smile. I know she misses Justin and I, but she’s happy that we’re back together. “It has. I’m happy, Justin’s happy. . . what more could a person ask for?” I say with a smile. And it isn’t a lie. I am happy. I love Justin, and I won’t let anything come between us again. Especially not my fucked up past. This is why I really came here. It wasn’t to see Gardner Vance; it was to try and get support from my family. It was to let them know that I’ve changed. Deb can see that, and she’ happy for me. Knowing that she’s supportive and that she’ll be there for me like she always had in the past, makes me happy. Deb never let me willingly fuck something up, especially when she knew that I could do better, and deserved better. She told me once when I was little that one day I would wake up and wish to change my life around – that I would be able to get past all the shit that Joanie and Jack Kinney did to me. I thought I had done that when I went to college – and after graduation, became a top ad executive. How wrong I was. In truth it started to happen the night of Justin’s prom, and finally came to a conclusion when he left my life a year ago. Justin made me WANT to change, and I think I actually feel better about myself now. Deb and I talk for a while longer about things. Before I go, I tell her that I will stop by her place before I leave to talk some more. It is nice to just sit and talk with her. She knows everything about me, and she won’t let me fall flat on my face. I love her for that. When she moves back to continue working, I try and think of who I wanted to see next, and the answer really is obvious. I almost kick myself for not going there the moment I got off the plane the night before. *********** I spent the rest of the night with Lindsey, Mel, and Gus. I never thought I would miss my son this much, but holding him, seeing him that night sent a sharp pain straight to my heart. All night long I just held him close to me, played with him, fed him, whatever I could do so that I was near him in every way. I talk to Lindsey about them coming down sometime in the coming months so that Justin can see Gus. I know that he misses him almost as much as I do. It would be great to see the smile on Justin’s face as we take Gus to the zoo, or to see the laser light show at Stone Mountain. I miss having my two boys together all the time, and I guess I just want to spend time with the two most important people in my life. Lindsey says that she’ll come down, and we decide to talk soon about the plans. After leaving the munchers, I go home, call Justin and crawl into bed. It seems strange sleeping without Justin beside me, but eventually I am able to relax enough to get a couple of hours of sleep. By mid-afternoon the next day, I was once again finished with work and made my way toward the comic book store. I had to talk to Mikey, I had to see what he thought of the “new” me. Mikey is the one that I don’t think I could live without. He’s always been there no matter what. Don’t get me wrong, there have been times when we had both wanted to kill the other, but we have always come through it with our heads held high. He’s the one that I need the most to accept who I am now. I know he doesn’t like Justin that much, he never really did, but I can only hope that he’ll support me. As I open the door, the little bell goes off. God, I hate that fucking thing. I feel like I’m walking into a little antique store or some stupid shit. Mikey looks up and is in shock. “Hey, Mikey,” I say, right before I am engulfed in a hug. I pull back slightly and kiss him lightly on the cheek. “How’s business?” I walk over to a bin of comics, and start to look through the selection. Trying to remain calm and not let him see how nervous I really was was not easy. “What the hell are you doing here? Why didn’t you tell me you were coming home?” Mikey asked. I cringe slightly at the questions, since I’m not sure myself how to answer them. “I’m here on business, Mikey, nothing else. And I thought I’d surprise you,” I say with a little grin. I didn’t even say anything about this not being home for me anymore; I didn’t think Mikey was ready to face that. He still believes that I will one day come back here and things will get back to the way they were before. I know it will crush him to know that I don’t plan on ever coming back here for an extended amount of time. But I know I need to have Mikey to still be my friend, especially for what I have planned for later on this week. I need Mikey to be around to bail my ass out of jail if the need arises, and the only way I can do that is to try and get him to accept me as I am now. Okay, so my thinking is fucked, but since when has it ever been stable? “This is a surprise. How long you here for?” he asks me kinda hopefully. I know that he wants me to stay here, but I can’t lie to him. “Until Tuesday afternoon. Then I catch the fight out to Hartsfield. But at least we’ve got a couple days to hang out, right?” I state, silently hoping that things are okay between us. “Tuesday?” Fuck, he’s not happy. “Yeah, Tuesday. I can’t stay here, Mikey. My job is there, my stuff is there, hell, everything is down there.” “Justin’s down there,” he states. The way he says Justin’s name almost sends me leaping across the damn bin to grab him around the throat. I had hoped that he had let his anger at Justin go, but obviously there is still a part of him that will always hate Justin for what he represents in my life. “Yes, Justin’s down there,” I say slowly, as if I’m talking to a child. I want to get it through Mikey’s head that no matter what, Justin will be a part of my life. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want Mikey to be a part of it, too. “We live together, he’s my partner . . . and I love him,” I tell him. I think that this is the first time that I’ve told anyone from here that. Well, except maybe Lindz, but I know I have never stated this much to Mikey. I can see the immediate shock on his face, but he quickly tries to hide it by looking through the bin. It’s one thing to know it, but it’s another thing to have it verbally stated – especially by me. “Mikey,” I begin. I have to get him to understand. “Look, just because Justin and I are together, and we will be for a long time to come, doesn’t mean that we can’t still be friends.” Mikey throws one of the comic books down on top of the others and stares at me. “He hurt you, Brian. How can you forgive him for what he did to you?” I take a deep breath, hoping to stay calm. I know he means well, but I will not let anyone talk badly about Justin. And truth be told, no one here can say a damn thing about our relationship. I don’t give a fuck what they think. Yeah, I want their acceptance, but I don’t fucking need it. “I hurt him too, Mikey, or did you forget that part?” I begin. I have to take another deep breath ‘cause I can hear the anger rising in my voice. Getting angry at Mikey now is not what I had come here for. “Look, Mikey. . . Both Justin and I have made a lot of mistakes before, but we’ve worked through them. It’s taken a lot of time to get to where we are at, and I would like to think that I have your support. I’m fucking new at this whole relationship crap, and I need my friend to help me through it. To be there for me.” “I honestly don’t know if I can, Brian,” he tells me. Well, at least he’s being fucking honest with me. “I don’t want to see you hurt, and frankly, I don’t trust Justin.” “You don’t have to like him . . .” I begin. “It’s not that, Brian. . .Fuck!” I just stare at him. I remember all the times that he had told me over the years that Justin shouldn’t be there, that he was just a little nuisance. How can he say that he likes Justin? I’m so fucking confused. “I admit I didn’t like him at first, but I can say he’s not too bad. I just don’t think that he’s good for you. He’ll only hurt you again, and I will not stand by and let it happen.” “What the fuck are you planning on doing about it?” I yell. “You have no say in what I do, or who I see. Dammit, Mikey. For once in my life . . . for the first time in my life, I am happy. I am completely satisfied with how my life is. I am in love . . . and I can see myself living out my life with someone. So what if that person is Justin . . . I thought you’d be happy for me. You should be happy for me. You know how hard it is for me to admit this type of shit. You know what my life has been like. I’m trying to change for the better, Mikey. I’ve stopped being. . . at least I’m trying to stop being the asshole that I have been for the past thirty-one years.” I walk up to Mikey and place my hands on the side of his face, forcing him to look me in the eye. I have to try and get through to him. “I love him, Mikey. I’m happy – truly happy for the first time in my life. I want you to be happy for me, too. I don’t want to lose my best friend. I don’t think I can handle that. Please don’t put me in the position of having to choose between you and Justin.” Mikey turns away from me, and I can only stand there and watch him. I run my hands through my hair in a desperate attempt to calm my nerves, but it’s not working. I fucking feel raw. “I don’t know, Brian. I just don’t know.” Closing my eyes, I can only nod. “Please think about it. I’ll be in town till Tuesday,” I say as I make my way to the door. “I love you, Mikey. I always have . . . but I’m in love with Justin, and nothing’s going to change that. Think about what I said. If you can’t accept who I am now, then we’ll just leave it here, but if you think you can . . . and you want to continue this . . . you know where I’ll be.” With that I just walk out of the store without looking back. I can only hope he thinks about this and decides that he is still willing to be my friend. I’m not asking him to be Justin’s best friend . . . I just want him to accept ME, the new me. I want to have my friend there with me, to support me, to laugh with me, or fucking cry with me. I don’t want to lose Mikey, but I will if I have to. I won’t be put in a position to where I have to decide between Mikey and Justin. Mikey, no matter what will always be in my heart, will be a part of me . . . but I can’t live without Justin. I know that for a fact. Mikey would lose. *************** The moment I walk into the loft, I head straight to the phone, and call home. Since today was Justin’s doctor’s appointment, I have to know what the outcome of it was. I am nervous as hell, and want only the good news. I try hard to put my conversation with Mikey out of my mind, but it is hard. I can’t let Justin know about the torment that I am feeling right now. I just can’t. He has so much other shit going on that he doesn’t need to know about this – at least not yet. “Hello,” Justin answers. He sounds like he just woke up cause his voice is coarse. “Did I wake you?” I ask, looking at the clock. It was still early evening – only seven or so, and I instantly worry that something is wrong. “Just taking a short nap. It’s been a busy day,” he answers. Already he sounds better to me, and it edges the fear off a little bit. “So how did the appointment go?” I ask, praying for good news. “It went,” he began. “They say that my leg is healing, just slowly. There’s one section of the bone that they’re a little worried about since it doesn’t look to be healing right.” “So what are they going to do about it?” I ask. Not healing right. . . Fuck! I had hoped that this whole mess could be over with, but then I realize that it only has been a couple of months. They had said it could take a year or so before he is healed. Still that doesn’t make me feel any better. I know how much this hurts Justin – how much that Justin would like to be able to do all the things that he used to do. What I wouldn’t do to allow Justin to walk normally down the street, to be able to dance at the clubs. But of course all that was dependent on how quickly and how well his legs healed. No matter how much they healed, Justin was still in constant pain. “They’re not really sure, yet. Of course there’s always another surgery, but the doc wants to see if there is another option. I don’t know. Hell, I don’t know if I really care right now,” Justin told me. I can almost hear the defeat in his voice. This whole thing is just dragging him down even more. We both had high hopes that this whole nightmare would be over soon, but that was being washed away. “But it’s okay. I’m fine with it. We’ll just have to wait and see how things turn out.” I have to smile at Justin’s attempt to make light of the whole situation. It’s just like him to try and downplay the whole thing. He’s always trying to make things easier on me, and I love him for that, even if it pisses me off at times. Most of the time I don’t WANT him to make me feel better; to make things EASY on me. Of course there’s not a damn thing I can do about that. He won’t change and there’s that small part of me that doesn’t want him to. Fuck, I am so screwed. “Yeah, we’ll see,” I quietly say. “So how are things there? Did you talk to Michael yet,” he asks changing the subject. I should feel relieved that he’s changing it, but did he have to change the subject to that? To the one thing I have YET to figure out for myself? “Yes, and I don’t want to talk about it,” I tell him. And I don’t. “Brian. . .” “Don’t worry about it. Mikey and I had a talk, and . . . we’ll have to wait and see,” I say throwing his words from moments ago back. I can hear Justin’s frustrated sigh, and as much as I hate it, there’s nothing I can say or do right now that will change this fact. “He hates me,” I hear him say. “He doesn’t hate you.” “Yes, he does, Brian. You can’t lie about that. He hates that I hurt you before, and he’ll never forgive me for that. I can’t blame him.” I close my eyes trying to come up with SOMETHING to say, but I don’t know what it would be. I wish that Justin and Mikey could get past this mess and at least be on somewhat civil terms, but I’m not sure that it will ever happen. “Mikey is only looking out for me . . . doing what he thinks is the right thing to do.” “I know.” “Let’s not talk about Mikey right now, okay,” I tell him. I can feel a headache coming on, and all I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep. Of course it would be a whole hell of a lot better if I could hold Justin close to me, but right now that’s not possible. “So what are you wearing?” I ask, knowing that he will immediately forget anything and everything about Mikey, or the fucking doctors. If Justin is anything, he is predictable when it comes to sex. “You are so full of shit,” he laughs. I know that things will be alright between us. I just know it will. ************* I wait until Friday night to make this little trip. Hell, the last thing I need is to end up in jail and miss work because of it. But then again, we’ll see what comes out of it. This is something that I have wanted to do since forever it seems. With all the shit this asshole has done, he will sit and listen to what I have to say. If not . . . well he will sit there. I was told once that you don’t let an Irishman stew on something, you don’t give them time to sit and think about something. You just let them go. If we are one thing it is stubborn. Okay, so we’re stubborn with a sharp temper – a wicked temper. And really it’s not our immediate reaction that is bad . . . it’s when we have time to come up with the ‘proper’ response, and reaction. No, that is something that you shouldn’t mess with. Of course I’m not really sure if it is all Irishmen, but it sure as hell is me. And I’ll blame it on the damn Irish blood if I want to. I step up to the door, and knock. When the door opens, I try not to show my surprise at the young woman who answers, but I turn on the charm telling her that I’m an old college buddy of our ‘dear friend’ and she let’s me in and leads me to the small den area. I sit there on the couch facing away from the door, not wanting him to see me before I’m ready. When he enters the room and spots me sitting casually on his couch he freezes. Fuck, what I wouldn’t do to have a fucking camera with me at that moment. The look on his face is priceless, but it disappears quickly as the look of hate fills his features. Good, let him hate me. I don’t care. “What he hell are you doing here? Get the fuck out of my house!” I just sit there studying my fingernails, not really paying him any attention, and I know that it’s just pissing him off even more. “I’m here to talk about your son. Don’t you care what is happening to Justin?” I ask. Of course I know that he doesn’t but I just want to twist the knife in a little more. I want to hear him say it to me. “I don’t have a son,” he states simply, angrily, and I just fucking want to explode. “You have nothing I want to hear. You can just get the fuck out of my house right now.” “Actually you have a nice house here, Craig,” I say, looking around the nicely furnished – expensively furnished house. “You’ve done good for yourself. Too bad you had to spend so much money on this . . . this cheap imitation Italian furniture. Is this supposed to be Cellini? Man you got ripped off. How much did you spend on this? Never mind ‘cause evidently it was more than enough that you couldn’t spend a dime on your own son’s fucking education.” “Who the fuck do you think you are to come into my home and insult me?” I can tell he’s getting angry, and I can only smile. Let him get angry. I WANT him angry. “I think I’m the . . . oh wait what did you say. . .” I sit there on the couch, and it was a poor imitation at best – and just snap my fingers “trying” to think of the right words. What a joke. Like I would ever forget the shit this asshole said. “Oh yeah, I was that monster . . .that pedophile. That’s right. I’m the one who seduced your son, and fucked up your family.” Before he can say anything in reaction to that, I stand suddenly and get right in his face. “Let me tell you something, and for once you are going to fucking sit there and listen. So sit your ass down before I put you down. Trust me you don’t want me to do that,” I inform him. All I want to do at that moment is to fucking rip his dick off and shove it up his ass, but then again, he just may like that. I guess the look on my face told him not to push me, and he sits down in one of the chairs. “Not such a big man face to face are you? Not so big now that you aren’t sneaking up on me . . . Are you?” I hiss, leaning down so that I can look him in the eye. My arms are on either side of him – trapping him in. “You are a worthless piece of shit,” I tell him. “I can’t believe that Justin is actually hurt by the fact that you don’t want anything to do with him. If I had my way you would never have to hear about him again, but Justin still . . . loves you,” I cringe. I almost feel like throwing up at the thought of Justin still caring for this homophobic asshole, but I know he does. That’s the worst part in all of this. Justin continues to be hurt by this man, and no matter what, it’s going to stop now. I will not allow Craig Taylor to hurt Justin anymore. I won’t allow it. “I know all about you, and people like you. You think that just because Justin likes to suck cock, and take it up the ass that he is the lowest of pond scum.” Okay, so I’m being a little graphic, but the look on Craig’s face is priceless. He just gets this look of disgust, and it takes all my power not to dig a little deeper, to push the knife in deeper, and harder. God, I want him to feel just a fraction of the pain that Justin has gone through. I want him to bleed. “Well, let me tell you something. Justin is more of a man than you EVER have been or ever will be. Being gay doesn’t mean that you can’t have a family . . . it doesn’t make you any less of a person. Justin is the strongest person that I know . . . and I know for sure that he didn’t get that from you.” “You wish that Hobbs had finished the job?” God, I fucking feel sick just at the thought of that night. Just the thought of seeing Justin smiling at me as the bat swung. Fuck, all that blood, the sound . . . it’s a sight that I will live with for the rest of my life. “Well that little fuck didn’t finish the job. Justin’s still here. He survived the attack, and he survived the car accident. So I guess he’ll be around for a long LONG time. He’ll be a great artist one day. . . hell he already is. . . and when he does, is that when you’ll care? Is that when you’ll come to him when you’re old and fucking gray, begging him for money?” I can almost see Craig turn into Jack. I can see Craig going up to Justin and begging for money just like Jack did to me all the time. I will not allow Justin to fall into that trap. No fucking way. Justin will not feel responsible and will never give this jackass anything if I have anything to say about it. And hell, I plan on being around in Justin’s life a long time to come. I know that he thinks that there is no money to be made in Justin’s art, I can see it in the man’s eyes. He just thinks that Justin is wasting his time, so I figure that I’ll go in for the kill. Let him see that what he wanted for his son, and what his son wants could be the same thing. Let this jerk see that if he had just thought for once about what Justin wanted, he would’ve been able to see that they both would win. “But then again, I guess right now he already has that.” I can see the confusion sneaking into his eyes, temporarily masking the hate and disgust. “You see, Justin is already not only nationally known and respected, but world wide.” “What the fuck are you talking about,” he asks, and I know I got his attention. I grab the small folder that I had brought with me from the couch and hand it to him. I know that he’s seen some of these ads and I wait to see what his reaction will be. I watch as first confusion, then shock, and then once again anger all play out on his face. “What is this?” “What don’t you recognize your own son’s work?” I ask innocently. “You see Justin is in business, just like you wanted . . . except he’s also doing his art like he wanted. And making a whole hell of a lot of money at it too.” “You’re lying,” he says, but it doesn’t hold the same tone that it had before. “Don’t believe me, I don’t fucking care.” I step away from Craig and stand in front of him. I turn to the door and begin to make my way out, but stop and turn back to him. “Oh, one last thing before I leave,” I say without turning around. “If you ever come near Justin again, or try to talk to him again . . .” I turn to face the man that I hate with a passion. I know that none of this will make a damn bit of difference. You can’t change a person like him, but it sure makes me feel a little better. Knowing that I have shown him that his son is not the worthless piece of trash that he thinks he is. But as I said, I know that when I leave here, he’ll forget. He’s just that type of person. “If you ever . . . well, you don’t want to do it. Trust me.” Craig then shoots up out of the chair and comes near me. I watch as his arm moves back as if he’s going to hit me. I am on him quickly, reaching out and grabbing his arm, I twist it around his back, and slam him into the wall – hard. I push his arm as far up his back as I can, almost wanting to feel the bones break beneath my hands, wanting to snap it like a twig. Instead I lean in real close to his ear, and simply whisper in it. “If you ever come near Justin again I will fucking kill you.” I slam him against the wall one more time, then let go and walk to the door. “Have a nice night,” I say sweetly as I open the door and leave. I have to get away from there as quickly as possible before I storm back into that room and really do some damage. I almost hate myself for letting him off easy. He never let Justin off easy. I do however, allow a small smile come out as I think of the slight cut on his lip from where his face crashed into the wall, and the way his arm was being limply held against his chest. I felt a slight sense of power when I felt the delicate muscles beneath my hands stretch and turn as I twisted his arm. If he doesn’t have his arm in sling for a couple of days, I’d be surprised. Damn that felt good. I finally feel free. I realized that when I had Craig locked in that hold, I could almost see Jack Kinney calling me worthless, wishing ME dead. The entire time I was talking to Craig, I could almost see Jack there, saying the same type of shit to me that Craig had said to Justin. The two men were more alike then I care to admit, but it felt good to finally let loose. I finally was able to not only cause Craig Taylor some pain for what he had done to Justin, but I got the unexpected relief of finally setting myself free from Jack Kinney. I think one more stop is in order before I leave good ol’ Pitts. I turn the car toward the cemetery, to give Jack Kinney one FINAL fuck you. ************* Tuesday morning as I look around the loft to make sure that I have everything before I head to the airport for my flight back home, I can’t help but feel a slight sense of loss. It has been days since I had last heard from Mikey, and I had hoped that we could still be friends. I can only guess that since I hadn’t heard from him, that he had decided that he couldn’t do it. No matter how much it pains me, I know that I can’t do anything about it. I won’t give up Justin like he wants me to. No way in hell will I ever do that. I open the door to put my bags in the rental car, I stop at the sight before me. “Hey,” he says, looking a little lost. “Hey. So?” I ask him. I need to know before I continue this conversation. I need to know where I stand. Mikey just stands there and give me a small smile, and I know that we’ll be okay. It’ll be a rough ride, but at least we’ll try and get through it together. “Need a ride to the airport?” I try not to laugh, and I suddenly feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my chest. The same weight that had been there since I had stepped off of the plane here in Pittsburgh. “Sure, help me get this shit down to the car, and I’ll even make sure that you have money for a cab back to the store,” I tell him with a smile as I just look at him. I reach across the threshold and pull him into a hug, and lightly kiss him on the lips. “Thanks, Mikey,” I whisper in his ear, letting him know just how much this means to me. ”Don’t get all sappy on me,” he says through slight tears but letting a smile appear on his face. “You have a plane to catch.” Grabbing the luggage, I stop to take one last look around the loft. The same place that started it all. The place I used to call home. Setting the alarm, I say good-bye to the past. I walk out and shut the heavy door, finally able to let go. It’s time to move forward. ************** TBC