You're the reason I believe in love And you're the answer to my prayers from up above All we need is just the two of us My dreams came true because of you From this moment as long as I live I will love you, I promise you this There is nothing I wouldn't give From this moment I will love you as long as I live From this moment on From This Moment by Shania Twain Notes: Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic. Monday December 30, 2002 Brian came into the town home after loading up the jeep, and walked into the bedroom to check on Justin. The rest of the gang was supposed to be there shortly, so that they could all go away for a couple of days. Brian had talked to Kelly and Kate, setting things up, hoping that he and Justin could finally put the past behind them and move forward. Brian had made big plans for the two of them, and he worried that he wouldn’t be able to fulfill those plans. The other thing that had Brian worried was that he had hopes of not screwing things up with Justin. No matter how many times Justin said that he was afraid of ruining things between them, Brian wasn’t so sure that he himself could stay strong in the relationship. Brian hated that feeling of dread, and he hoped that things would work out between Justin and him. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to live his life without Justin, and he knew that the young man felt the same way. He couldn’t however, get rid of that slight bit of fear when he thought about them – no matter how irrational it was. Justin had mentioned it to him before, and he blew it off then, but now he was beginning to wonder if Justin was right. “Every time things start getting good in my life. . . every time that I think that things are perfect, something comes a long and fucks it up,” Justin had told him. Brian could only hope that he was wrong – that things wouldn’t get fucked up this time. He didn’t think he could survive it again, but more importantly, he didn’t think that Justin could survive it again. Shaking the maddening thoughts away, Brian walked into the bedroom, and spotted Justin sitting by the window looking out toward the backyard. Seeing Justin just sitting there with the light reflecting off of his golden hair, Brian knew that no matter what, he would fight to ensure that this man was in his life for a long, long time. “No, Daph it’s not like that. . . You’re such a freak. . . yes. . . Oh god, don’t tell me, I don’t wanna know. . . Really, that’s cool . . . So is it serious? . . . Not answering that one . . . I don’t know yet, but ask me again after the New Year. . . Yeah, I think so. . .” Brian smiled as he sat down on the corner of the bed to watch Justin. He knew what the younger man was currently discussing with his long-time friend, and just thinking about the week ahead brought a smile to his face. The two men were definitely going to try and put the past behind them this week, and try to move forward. ‘Just don’t let me fuck it up,’ Brian thought, feeling the fear come back. “Okay, I’ll call you next week. . .Later, Bye,” Justin finished, and Brian felt Justin next to him. Looking up, Brian smiled at the young man as he reached for Justin’s hand. “So, you ready to get out of here?” Brian asked as he began to rub his fingers lightly across Justin’s knuckles. Justin reached across the distance with his other hand, and began to pull a not very reluctant Brian closer. “Yeah,” he whispered as their lips met in a light kiss. Pulling back, Brian looked deep in Justin’s blue eyes, and smiled. “Well then, Sunshine, let’s get moving.” Brian followed Justin out of the house, ensuring that everything was locked up, and the alarm was set. “You sure you don’t want to stay here and watch the ball drop?” Justin turned slightly to Brian with a smile on his face, which caused Brian’s heart to beat rapidly in his chest. “You’re in Georgia, Brian. Here we have the Peach Dropping.” “The what?” Brian asked, confused, as he helped Justin get into the car. “What the fuck is that, and where would they have it? I haven’t seen anything like that around here.” Justin laughed as Brian hooked up the seatbelt. Brian felt Justin lean forward to give him a kiss on the cheek. Turning his head so that he could get a real kiss, Brian saw the large ‘sunshine’ smile that played on his lover’s face. “The peach is at the Underground, and it’s the Atlanta thing to do. Don’t you know anything?” Justin said with a smile. Brian could only shake his head and close the door. After placing the wheelchair in the jeep, he walked over to the driver’s side and got in. “Don’t be a twat. I wasn’t raised in the South, and I can honestly say that I don’t understand half of the shit that these damn southerners do,” he said with a slight smile playing on his lips. Justin looked over at Brian and shook his head. “You’re just a damn yank,” Justin said playfully. “But I still love you.” Brian stole a quick glance at Justin before starting the jeep. He tried not to get too excited about Justin’s words, since it was the first time that the young man had said them to him in a long time. ‘I love you,’ played over in Brian’s head as he pulled out onto the street. He could only hope that after this little trip, Justin would be able to say those very words to him more often. He could only hope that after this week, the two would truly be together in every way possible. ‘Only time will tell,’ he thought with a smile. ‘Just don’t let me fuck it up.’ ****************** After driving for hours, the two finally pulled up to an old Bed and Breakfast overlooking the beach. Justin looked out at the scenery, watching the waves crash against the rocks and sand. He was glad that he had brought his sketchbook with him, ‘cause he wanted to capture the way the sun was playing across the water, leaving it a dark purple in color, and the pristine white rifts crashing against the rocks spraying the landscape with water. He only hoped that his hand would hold off getting tired long enough for him to get some pictures done. In the past couple of months, Justin had been working hard on trying to get the use of his hand back, and he had been somewhat successful. He could now draw for a least a half an hour before he had to take a break. It was no where near what he used to do, but it was a start. Brian had brought the wheelchair over to the side of the car, and Justin wished he had been able to use the crutches. Of course with his hand being as weak as it was, he had a hard time keeping his right side steady. Justin remembered when he had tried the crutches at therapy last week, and remembered how he had almost fallen flat on his face. He hated being so helpless, and no matter how long it had been, he was no where near where he was before. Justin knew that he couldn’t expect a one hundred percent recovery, but he would he happy to be close to what he was after the bashing. Hell, he couldn’t even remember when he had been 100%. ‘When was the last time I lived without pain? When was the last time I didn’t have the shakes?’ he asked himself. ‘Back in May of 2001 . . . before Hobbs,’ he realized. ‘I’m not even twenty and I’m totally fucked for the rest of my life. But at least I have Brian,’ he thought with a smile. Justin was grateful, eternally grateful that Brian was with him – that they were working on their relationship. He knew that without Brian he wouldn’t survive. When that thought came to his mind, Justin halted for a brief second. ‘Should I tell him about that? Should I tell him about what I did?’ he wondered. Justin was scared at the thought. He hadn’t told anyone about what happened to him, or what almost happened to him – what he had almost done. If it hadn’t been for Marsha, he knew he wouldn’t even be here today. Justin knew he would have to talk to Marsha during these next couple of days. If he and Brian were going to take the next step in their relationship, he would have to let go of the past. He had promised himself that he would tell Brian everything in time – that he would hold nothing back from the man he loved. He only hoped that Brian wouldn’t take it the wrong way. “You seem deep in thought,” Brian whispered in his ear. Justin turned quickly to Brian and forced a smile on his face. “Just thinking.” “About?” Justin took a deep breath, knowing that now was NOT the time to tell Brian the whole truth. He would have to wait. “I was thinking about trying to draw the view here. I hope my hand holds out,” he informed Brian. ‘It’s not an entire lie,’ he rationalized. Brian kneeled down and grabbed a hold of Justin’s right hand, gently massaging the delicate flesh. “It’s getting better, and I’m sure if you keep at it, you’ll be able to draw all day long again,” Brian said as he was looking down at Justin’s hand. “I know that. . . it’s just frustrating, that’s all. But even if it takes me all week, I’m going to get this drawing done,” Justin replied with a small smile. Justin caught Brian’s look, and laughed. “All week?” “Well, when I am not busy doing other things,” Justin stated as he pulled Brian’s hand up to his lips. Kissing the top lightly, Justin looked into Brian’s dark, hazel eyes. To Justin, Brian was a gift from the gods. He was good-looking, kind, loyal; all the things that Brian had said he admired in Justin, Justin saw in the older man. Although, Brian didn’t want many people seeing that side of him, Justin knew that it was there, and had been on the receiving end of that side on many occasions. Justin still could not believe that Brian wanted him. The other man could have anyone he wanted – he had proven that for years – but he had chosen this young kid to be his partner. Knowing that he had caught the infamous Brian Kinney of Liberty Avenue caused Justin’s heart to swell even more. Brian leaned in and kissed Justin fully on the lips, tracing his tongue across Justin’s lips. Justin reached up and grabbed hold of Brian’s head, pulling him closer to him, deepening the kiss. Justin knew both in his heart and in his mind that this was the right time, that he was ready to take the final step. Justin began to feel everything fade away as he became lost in the feel of Brian’s mouth on his. As Brian began to run his hands down Justin’s arms, both men were shocked out of the moment by a sudden chilling rain storm. Looking up, Justin saw Kelly standing there beside Kate with a bucket at their sides. “Get a fucking room,” Kelly said with a large smile on her face, waving her bucket at her side. Justin immediately buried his face in his hands, turning a bright shade of red, as he felt Brian pull away. Looking up, he watched as Brian stood and faced off with Kelly, with an evil glint in his eye. “Kelly,” he said with a grin. Justin knew what that look meant, for he had seen that menacing look many times over the past two years. All Justin knew was that Kelly and Kate were in BIG trouble. He knew that even if Brian didn’t get the two women back now, their days were numbered. Brian’s paybacks were legendary. “Yes, Brian?” she said, backing up from the man with a smile on her face. “Come here,” he playfully said as Kelly continued to back away from him. “Kelly?” “Later,” she said as she ran, with Brian following closely behind. Justin watched as Brian caught up with her, picked her up, and carried her toward the ocean. “Brian! Let me down, you big ass.” Brian smiled up at where Justin was and Justin knew what was going to happen. Feeling sorry for his friend, Justin just watched as Brian threw her into the cold ocean water. “I knew that was going to happen,” Justin said to Kate standing by him. “You might want to high-tail it out of here too, unless you want to be next.” “Right,” she said as she turned quickly and ran into the house. Brian walked back up to Justin and resumed his previous position in front of the young man. “Now,” Brian breathed against Justin’s skin. “Where were we?” Justin leaned back a little to look into Brian’s eyes. “I think we were going to head in and get settled,” Justin said, instantly hating the fact that it came out of his mouth at all. All he wanted at that moment was to continue making out, but he knew that if he continued, he would not be able to stop. If Kelly hadn’t dumped the water on them, who knows what they would be doing now? Justin didn’t even think that they would’ve made it into the house, and as much of an exhibitionist as he was – he wasn’t ready to show all of his friends Brian’s ass. He wanted their first time to be for them only – not on display. No, when they did make love again, it would be in the privacy of their own room – alone. Brian laid his head on Justin’s lap, and sighed. Justin could only run his fingers gently through Brian’s silky hair. “Room, right,” Brian said. When Brian looked up however, Justin could see the mischievous, well-known look in his eyes. “We’ll definitely be more comfortable. Come on,” Brian said standing and grabbing their bags. Justin could only look at his lover and shake his head as he followed Brian into the house, maneuvering the chair through the hallways toward their single room in the back of the building. When Justin entered, he felt the breath leave his body. There was a window facing the ocean, large canopy bed, and on the table close the bed a dozen red roses. Justin went over to the roses, and picked up the card in front of the vase. ‘To New Beginnings. I love you, B’ it read. Justin could feel the tears begin to gather behind his eyes. Justin felt Brian wrap his arms around Justin’s shoulders. “You like ‘em?” “I love them,” Justin said with a smile on his face. Justin turned his head so that he could face Brian, and reached up his hand to caress Brian’s cheek. “I love you,” he said as he leaned across the distance to kiss Brian. “Thank you.” Brian pulled back so that he could look into Justin’s eyes, and Justin hoped he could see the love that he knew was there. He hoped that Brian knew how he felt about him, the same way he could tell how Brian felt about him. “They should be getting dinner ready. Hungry?” Justin leaned his forehead against Brian, realizing that Brian was giving him a chance to back out, and for that he was grateful. “Aren’t I always?” “Let’s go,” Brian said, as he stood and moved away from Justin. “Rick and Kate are planning a small bonfire down by the water tonight. It should be fun.” “How the hell am I supposed to get down there,” Justin asked with a slight smile on his face. He knew that no matter what, he would be there, sitting by the fire with his friends. They would all ensure that. But he still felt the pang of sorrow that he couldn’t do it on his own, that he would be unable to walk down the beach with Brian. He would be unable to feel the soft sand beneath his feet, as he walked hand in hand with the man that he loved with the waves crashing into them. Justin wanted nothing more than to do just that, but he knew that it wouldn’t happen . . . not for a long time. Justin caught Brian looking at him, and instead of pity that he would’ve gotten from anyone else, he could only see the love reflecting in the man’s eyes. “Don’t worry about a thing, Sunshine. You’ll be there.” “Somehow I don’t doubt that, Brian. I don’t doubt that at all,” Justin said as the two began to head down to the small dining room. ******************* After dinner Justin and Marsha excused themselves. The two went out of the house and began to move down the sidewalk heading toward town. “How have things been these past couple of days?” she asked as they reached a small café and ordered a cup of coffee. Justin only shrugged slightly. “They’ve been going pretty good. I still can’t believe that this is happening – that Brian is being so considerate. Since he came back into my life, he’s changed. I’ve had to get to know him all over again. It’s strange.” “Good changes though?” Justin placed his thumb by his mouth, and began to chew slightly on the nail. He ran through his head everything that Brian had done for him these past couple of months, and tried to compare that to the Brian that had pushed him away. He couldn’t even begin to compare the two images – but he knew that no matter what he loved Brian more at that moment then he had ever thought possible. “Very good. I mean he’s considerate, caring – but he’s always been that, but it’s the little things. Things that he NEVER would’ve done before seem to come like second nature to him now. It’s strange. I never thought that I could love him more than I did then, but I was wrong. I don’t think I can live without him anymore. I don’t think I’d be able to survive. He’s the other half of my soul.” “So what’s the problem?” Marsha asked, as she took a sip of her coffee. Justin marveled at how alike Marsha and Brian were. Of course neither would admit it, but the two were a LOT a like. Both were very loyal, caring, and brave. Both had come from an abusive home and overcome the tragedies of that life to be someone of great importance. They both had made something of themselves. Justin didn’t know what he would do without either one of them. Of course it was the little things that Justin found was similar. Both liked latte, smoked, and had eyes that allowed you into their soul. It was the similarities between the two that had allowed Justin to open up so much with Marsha, when he had wanted only to shut down. All she had to do was look at him, and Justin was unable to lie to her. Justin took a deep breath, and let it out slowly. “It’s just that . . . what happens when he finds out everything that I haven’t told him? What happens when he finds out what I did? He’ll hate me,” Justin said, as he placed his head in his hands, feeling the weight of everything on his shoulders. Justin felt Marsha’s hand on the back of his head, gently massaging his scalp. “Justin,” she began. Justin looked up at her with tears in his eyes. He was scared, and was unable to hold it in anymore. “Listen to me. Brian won’t hate you. You need to talk to him. Get things out in the open. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were lonely, you were scared, and you were suffering from the memories of what happened last year. He’ll understand, I know he will. Tell him what happened, what you were thinking, feeling. Tell him why you felt you had to do it.” Marsha leaned back in her chair and looked deep into his eyes. “You tried to end it all, finish what Chris Hobbs had started, just as your father had wished upon you. It was a difficult time for you. You were in a strange new place, with no one around, and you were hurting. You wanted it all to go away. But you survived, you didn’t kill yourself.” Justin nodded. “Because you found me,” he said with a grateful smile. “I can’t ever thank you enough. I know back then I was a major pain in the ass.” “You still are,” she laughed. Justin shook his head, and bit his lower lip to keep from saying anything in return. “Anyway,” he began. “I just don’t know what he’ll do. I’m scared.” “Justin, you were having those nightmares. You were in a great deal of pain. It’s natural for someone to be depressed after what you had been through. But you survived, and now you and Brian have a chance,” she said as she laid her hand on his, giving him the support that he needed. Justin remembered the day that he had tried to commit suicide. It had been Brian’s birthday when he had taken all of his anxiety and headache medication out and laid them on the table in front of him. With a bottle of vodka, Justin began to swallow handfuls of pills and washing them down with the hard liquor. He had passed out sometime during the night, only to wake up in a small clinic with Marsha standing over him. She had told him that she had been worried about him. Evidently sometime before he had passed out, he had called her – frantically telling her that he couldn’t go on, that he wanted it all to end. She had headed straight to his small room, and rushed him to the clinic where they had pumped his stomach. Once he had been released, Marsha took him back to his room, removed any pills and alcohol around the room, and forced him to call Brian. She knew that he had needed to talk to the other man, and he was grateful that she had been there for him. She had helped him realize that there were things to live for. That Brian was worth living for. Justin knew that he would never be able to pay her back for saving his life. “Yeah, I guess we do. I just don’t want to fuck it up,” Justin said, coming back to the present and answering her previous statement. “Please, you both will make mistakes, don’t think that you won’t. But as long as you talk to one another, be there for each other. . . you can get through anything.” Marsha leaned forward in her chair so that they were inches apart. “The love that the two of you have only comes once in a lifetime, Justin. Embrace it. Don’t let it go, fight for what the two of you have. Don’t give up on yourself or him. Let Brian be there for you. You need to tell him everything. You know that. Maybe not now, but when you’re ready, you’ll be able to let him help you through it.” “I know,” Justin answered. “You’re right. I just get scared sometimes. You know. It just seems that whenever things are going good, something comes along and rips it all away from me. I don’t want to lose him.” “You won’t. Don’t think that something will happen to tear you apart, cause then you will go and find something. That’s what happened with Ethan. You and Brian were going so well, then the comic book thing started to bring things back for you, and you began to shut down. You felt that something was going to break the two of you up, and unconsciously you went and found it.” Justin could only nod in reply. He knew that what she was saying was true – they had talked about all of this in depth since they had met. He had feared that something was going to tear them apart, and he had found Ethan. He had self-destructed, and in turn almost destroyed any chance with Brian. He knew that he shouldn’t think that something was going to tear them apart again, but it was hard. “Brian and I have talked about what happened at the prom, and Justin. . . what you did with Ethan, with your relationship, with Brian, is all a part of the whole PTSD package. You were afraid, but you’re getting better.” Justin nodded again, and looked down at the coffee cup in front of him. “I’m not there yet.” “But you’re getting better. You are,” she said looking at the young man, and smiled. “It’ll just take time, and if you and Brian continue . . . it’ll only get better. But you two need to talk about what happened – all of it. The prom, your father, your relationship, everything. That’s the only way you will be able to get past it. I know you’ve talked about some of it, but you still have a long way to go. But I know the two of you will make it.” Justin returned her smile, and knew that she was right. He would have to get Brian to talk to him about things that neither one of them wanted to talk about. But he would do it – for the both of them. He would tell Brian everything, so that they could finally move forward. ******************* Brian and Justin left the room, and headed down toward the beach. The cool winter air bit into their flesh as they put on their jackets. Justin stopped at the end of the cement walkway and looked up at Brian. They could see the others sitting by the blazing fire, taking warmth in the heat that was being emitted. Brian looked down at Justin and smiled. “Ready?” he asked. “Yeah, but how?” Justin began, when he suddenly felt himself being lifted up out of the wheelchair. Brian carried Justin down toward the fire and set him down in the sand. Brian then moved in behind Justin and pulled the younger man closer to his chest. Brian felt Justin melt into him, and lean his head against Brian’s shoulder. “Comfy?” “Yeah,” Justin quietly said. “This is nice. I should’ve brought my sketchpad with me.” Brian wrapped his arms around him and leaned his head against Justin’s. Brian and Justin continued to take warmth from each other as they would join in the conversations of the gang. Brian couldn’t believe that they were all doing this. Never before had he had a group of friends that would just sit down at the beach and watch as the fire burned brightly. He thought to all of the things that he had done with Mikey, and he could never picture the two of them doing something so peaceful. Yeah, they had done a lot of things together, things that could rival this, but for the most part it was always places like the bars, or clubs. Once in a while they would sneak into an old warehouse and sit and talk, but never anything like this. ‘I must be growing up,’ Brian thought to himself. It felt good to just let go, and forget everything for a while. No one was there to get drunk and party – they were only there to sit and talk. It was unusual for Brian. He was actually liking this whole new lifestyle. Never before would Brian have thought that just relaxing and being with friends would be his cup of tea. But now, Brian was finding himself doing just that. This small group of people had quickly become his friends, as well as Justin’s. Brian knew that they would still have their wild moments, where they would all go to the clubs and just let loose, but it was no longer a daily routine. He knew that no one would ever be able to replace Mikey’s place in his life, but he could start fresh. He wanted to start on this new path in life with Justin. ‘I’ve finally grown up and became an adult,’ Brain thought with a slight smile. He was learning new things every day, new ways to live and enjoy life. Gone were the endless tricks, booze, and drugs – not that he didn’t drink or use some drugs every now and then, ‘cause he did – but it no longer ruled his life like it had before. As the night progressed, Brian noticed some of them head into the hotel to turn in. Brian felt Justin turn slightly in his arms, and Brian smiled down at him. All of the changes in his life lately were because of the man in his arms. Since Justin had come in his life, things had started to change for him. He still couldn’t believe that the same night that he had become a father, Justin had also arrived in his life. If he had believed in God, he would’ve thought that it was all a sign that it was time to give up on the past. All Brian knew was that after two years, he was finally ready to take that step. Catching Justin looking at him, Brian leaned in and kissed him lightly on the forehead. “What?” Brian could tell that Justin wanted to say something, but he wasn’t sure what it was. However, it was obviously bothering the young man a great deal. “There’s something I have to tell you, but you have to promise to listen and not say anything until I’m done, okay?” Brian felt his heart stop in his chest, hoping that it wasn’t what he was fearing. ‘Could Justin believe that they didn’t belong together anymore? No, I would’ve been able to tell. At least I hope I would’ve.’ Brian nodded, agreeing to Justin’s terms reluctantly. Brian felt Justin turn back to the fire and lean closer into his body. Brian closed his eyes briefly trying to calm his nerves. “I don’t want you to blame yourself for this, ‘cause it wasn’t your fault,” Justin began. Brian could tell that whatever Justin wanted to tell him wasn’t going to be easy on either one of them. “Remember when I called you . . . you know the anniversary of sorts of . . .” Brian knew what Justin was talking about and could tell that the man was having a hard time telling him whatever it was he wanted to say. “Yeah, I remember,” he said taking the pressure off of his love. Justin took a deep breath, as Brian pulled him closer. “I don’t even know where to begin. . . It was a hard time for me, you know.” Brian nodded, understanding fully. That time was not easy on him either, and all he had wanted was to find Justin wherever he was and hold the younger man to him. Brian remembered how he had threatened the others with great bodily harm if they even came near him during that time. He could only guess what Justin had gone through. All he knew was the little bit that Justin had told him on the phone that night. “It was before that day, and well . . . I was lonely and scared. . . I didn’t think that anything was going to be alright. I kept hearing my dad’s words, and with the nightmares . . . memories, I didn’t know what to do.” Brian was beginning to understand what Justin was saying, but he hoped and prayed that he was wrong. Justin was strong, he would never try and do something like what Brian was thinking. ‘Could he?’ Brian knew what Craig Taylor had told his son, and Brian could only cringe at the thought of Justin sitting alone in a strange city with those hateful words ringing through his head. “How?” Brian asked, knowing what Justin had tried to do, no matter how much he didn’t want to believe it. A person could only take so much, and Justin had taken a lot these past couple of years. Justin leaned forward to place his head on his bent left knee. Brian began to run his hand in a soothing manner across Justin’s back, hoping to keep Justin in the present, and not lose the young man to the memories of the past. “I still had all of my pills, you know my anxiety pills, and headache pills. . . anyway, I went and got someone to get me some liquor. I really don’t remember why I did it, just that I didn’t think I could take it anymore. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to be with you, I wanted things to be okay. . . But I knew that it wouldn’t . . . things could never be the way they used to before. . . before the prom.” Justin took another deep breath, and Brian moved forward a little to wrap his arms around Justin’s waist. “It was almost like watching a movie . . . I don’t even really remember taking the pills, I just know that it wasn’t long before I looked down and they were half gone and the bottle was almost empty as well. I guess sometime during that time, I had called Marsha ‘cause the next thing I knew I was at this small clinic. When I got home the next day, she forced the phone into my hand and told me to call you.” Brian closed his eyes, hating that his boy was hurting, hating that Justin had felt that the only way out was to kill himself. Brian didn’t even want to think about what his life would be like if Justin had succeeded. All Brian knew was that more than likely he would’ve followed in Justin’s footsteps and ended it all as well. “It’s over now,” Brian said. “You made it, and things are getting better.” “It’s still there though Brian. Those thoughts . . . those feelings. I know that it’s still there, and that one day. . . I don’t know,” Justin said painfully. Brain knew those feelings well. He remembered his own suicide attempt exactly one year prior to Justin’s. Brian was grateful that he had Mikey to save him, and was equally grateful that Justin had Marsha. If it wasn’t for the two of them, then neither Justin nor he would be around today. Brian had remembered contemplating death after Justin had left him earlier that year, but was glad that he had decided against it. When you try and confront death. . . try to take your own life, those feelings of despair never fully leave you. “I know. I know all too well, Justin. I have those same feelings at times,” Brian explained to Justin, opening up to the young man. Brian never wanted Justin to know about the scarfing incident, but knew that Justin needed to know – especially now. When Brian felt Justin’s eyes on him, he looked down at the young man – seeing the love reflecting in the young man’s eyes. “I’ve been there, Justin. More times than I care to admit.” “You?” Justin asked in disbelief. “Yes, me. The most recent one was on my thirtieth birthday.” Brian caught the shock in the younger man’s eyes, and leaned in to kiss Justin’s lips lightly. “If Mikey hadn’t come when he did. . . well it’s the same thing as what would’ve happened to you if Marsha hadn’t found you when she did.” “You never told me,” Justin whispered, as he laid a hand on Brian’s cheek. Brian felt the tears rising to the surface of his eyes, as he watched the tears flow down Justin’s own cheeks. “Why do you think I went to the prom with you? To ‘recapture my lost youth.’” “I thought it was just a joke . . . I never would’ve thought that you. . .” “I’m not invincible, Justin. I’m not now, and I sure as hell wasn’t then. But you’ve helped me, in more ways than one. You showed me that there were things to live for. Things that I still had to do.” “I love you, Brian,” Justin said as he leaned his head against Brian’s chest. “I love you too, baby.” ******************* Tuesday December 31, 2002 Brian sat down on a group of rocks overlooking the ocean, thinking about the past couple of months, hell the past couple of years. Where would he have been if Justin hadn’t entered into his life. He knew – no matter how much it pained him now – that if Justin hadn’t arrived the same night as Gus, then Brian wouldn’t have been able to change. No matter how much he loved Gus, no matter how much his son meant to him – it was Justin that had taught him how to let Gus and others in. It was Justin who had opened the door to allow Brian to feel the things that he had refused to feel before. After their talk the night before, Brian had taken an emotionally drained Justin up to bed. They both just held each other through the night, taking comfort in each other’s presence – knowing now how close they had come to losing everything. If either one of them had succeeded, they would not have been in this moment now. Brian looked over to his right as soon as he felt a change in the air. Marsha had sat down on the rock next to him – as always, with two cups of coffee in her hands. “So I guess you two talked last night?” Brian could only nod as he accepted the cup of coffee. “You know that things are better now then they were then, right?” Brian once again nodded. “But you both have a long road a head of you in order to get past all of this. I don’t want you two to think that you can fully put the past away and not think about it anymore. It’s a part of who you are.” “I know. I was hoping though,” Brian said closing his eyes. “You can hope all you want, but you can’t change the past. You can only learn from it, and not make the same mistakes. I’ve told Justin the same thing,” she said, taking a sip of her coffee. “But I’m positive that the two of you can make it. It’ll just take time and a whole lot of effort on both of your parts.” “I just . . . I never would’ve thought that he would try something like that,” Brian stated, letting the pain of what Justin had been going through flow through him. It hurt him to know that Justin had felt that the only thing he could do was to end it all. Marsha turned to face Brian, and placed her hand on his arm. “You both have done some stupid things, I know this. But Justin felt at that time that he had no other option open to him. He felt that no one would care if he had ended it, he felt that it would be better for everyone.” Marsha turned back to look out at the vast ocean before her. “His father’s words hurt him deeply. He loved – still loves the man very much. He can’t distinguish between the father that he knew while growing up from the father that he has today. It’s one of the biggest hold-ups we have.” “Craig Taylor is an ass,” Brian said viciously. “What is he like? Craig I mean,” Marsha asked. Brian gripped his coffee cup tighter in his hand as he thought of the man who had caused his love so much pain. “He’s a homophobic asshole, who can’t believe that any son of his could be gay. He blames Justin for everything bad that had happened to his family, and refuses to let Justin see his family. He smashed my jeep, beat me up, hit Justin, refused to pay for Justin’s college, and never once came to see his son while he was fighting for his life. That’s the type of man that Craig Taylor is.” Brian ran his hand through his hair, hoping to calm himself enough to keep himself from heading up to Pittsburgh and killing the man. He had tried to avoid thinking of the man who had fathered Justin ‘cause he knew that he was only biding his time before he confronted the man. But every time that he had started to believe that Justin didn’t want him to confront Mr. Taylor, something would come up and make Brian hate the man even more. “I had taken Justin to his parent’s house after Craig had beaten the shit out of me. Mr. Taylor,” he spit the words out, hating the thought of the man, “told Justin that if he lived in HIS house then Justin would have to deny who he was, what he was, and how he felt. I just stood up and dragged Justin out of there.” “It was for the best that you did. Justin would’ve been unhappy being there with that man, and it would’ve ended badly. I’m sure you’re well aware of what could’ve happened,” she stated, hinting at their shared abusive homes. “Justin wouldn’t have survived the year.” Brian could tell that Marsha was getting an idea of what was going on. He knew that Justin still tried not to speak ill of his father, which unfortunately, didn’t give Marsha much to work with. “So how are things going between the two of you?” she asked, changing the subject to a happier note. Brian tried not to smile at her tactics. She had done the same thing in the hospital when he was ready to kill Michael and the others. “Good,” Brian said. “However, I do need to ask you a favor.” Marsha turned to Brian and looked into his eyes. “What can I do?” “Justin and I won’t be joining you guys tonight . . . well, if I have anything to say about it,” Brian stated with a smile on his face. “What are you planning, my dear boy?” she replied playfully. ”That’s where you come in. There are a couple of things I need you to get for me, if you can.” Brian informed Marsha of his plans for tonight, knowing that the romantic in her wouldn’t be able to pass this up. Seeing her face light up, Brian knew that she would help. Brian knew that after this night was over, Justin would never be able to doubt Brian’s love for him. ******************* Justin came into the room after talking to Kelly and immediately felt his heart jump out of his chest. The room was dark, illuminated only by dozens of candles spread throughout the room as soft music played in the background. There was a small table set up with another bouquet of roses placed in the middle. Justin couldn’t believe what his eyes were telling him. “You coming in or are you going to stay by the door all night,” Justin heard coming from the side of the room. Turning he spotted Brian standing there with a rose in his hand, dressed in an all black Armani suit. He looked even more beautiful than Justin could ever remember. “Well?” Justin shook his head, trying to clear it. ‘If this is a dream, I don’t ever want to wake up,’ he thought to himself. Closing the door, Justin maneuvered his chair further into the room. “What’s all this,” Justin asked. Brian came to stand in front of Justin and handed the young man the rose. “To make up for all of the times that I didn’t do right by you,” Brian said, as he leaned down to kiss Justin fully on the lips. Justin began to feel the tears building behind his eyes as he took in everything that was happening. This was the most romantic thing that he could’ve ever dreamed of. “Come on, the food’s getting cold,” Brian said, as he picked Justin up and placed him in a chair at the table. Before Justin was the most delicious tasting food he could’ve even thought of – things that meant something to the two of them. Jambalaya, spicy Thai chicken, strawberries, ice cream, and an expensive bottle of wine. “What’s all this?” Justin asked again in shock. “What, you don’t like it?” Brian asked him in a slightly amused voice. “I can always take it all back.” “No,” Justin quickly said looking at Brian. “It’s just that. . . I mean. . .” Brian reached across the table to grab a hold of Justin’s hand. “I know that I haven’t always been the best boyfriend, but I’m trying Justin. I want to be the man that you want – that you deserve.” “Brian,” Justin said, letting his emotions take over. “You are.” “I haven’t always been, but that’s going to change. I promise,” Brian said as he pulled Justin’s hand closer to his lips and kissed the top of his hand, then moved to place a kiss on the inside of his wrist under the bracelet. “I don’t want you to doubt my feelings for you again. I love you, and I don’t ever want to lose you again.” Brian set Justin’s hand back down on the table, still holding it tightly in his own. “Now, can we eat before this gets cold?” Justin smiled as he picked up his fork, and started to eat the food on his plate, keeping his eyes on Brian. He was afraid that if he turned away, Brian wouldn’t be here . . . that this really wasn’t happening. He didn’t think he could survive if he was dreaming this, if it wasn’t real. “Who helped?” Justin asked, knowing full well that Brian would’ve had to have had help to accomplish all of this. “Who didn’t?” Brian said with a smile. “Marsha, Kate, and Rick helped get all of this ready as Kelly and Nichole kept you away.” Justin could only shake his head in disbelief. He knew that his friends were all eager to get him and Brian together, but this was more than he could’ve ever dreamed of. “Remind me to thank them,” he replied. “Oh, I’m sure we can think of some way,” Brian answered back. For the rest of dinner the two quietly ate, just allowing themselves to take comfort in each other’s presence, and love. Justin knew that whatever came out of this night, things would never be the same. He would no longer be able to doubt Brian’s love for him. Never. Brian was showing Justin a side of himself that no one knew existed. When they finished with the dinner, Brian stood still holding onto Justin’s hand. “May I have this dance?” Before Justin could ask how he was supposed to dance, Brian had lifted him up into his arms and held him up in the air so his feet barely touched the ground. Justin laughed lightly as he wrapped his arms tightly around Brian’s neck. He felt free, which was something that he hadn’t felt in as long as he could remember. Justin listened to the music as it played and instantly remembered it from those awful days before Gus’ birthday the year before. Justin’s heart swelled even more knowing that Brian was trying to recreate the one moment that had been the best and worst moment in their lives. Brian was recreating for the both of them the one night that ended so tragically, in hopes to give them both closure on that part of their lives. In order to have a happier ending to their one magical night, and replacing the bad memories with ones that will only bring happiness to them. You can dance Every dance With the guy who gives you the eye Let him hold you tight You can smile Every smile For the man who held Your hand ‘neath the pale moon light. But don’t forget who’s taking you home And in whose arms you’re gonna be So darling Save the last dance for me. As the music played, Justin held tightly to Brian, loving the feel of the man, and finding himself getting lost in the music. Brian was giving him the dance that would never return, the dance that was lost to him forever. It was the greatest gift that Justin could ever have asked for. That the music’s fine Like sparkling wine Go and have your fun Laugh and sing But while we’re apart Don’t give your heart to anyone. But don’t forget who’s taking you home And in whose arms you’re gonna be So darling Save the last dance for me. Baby don’t you know I love you so Can’t you feel it when we touch I will never, never let you go I love you so oh much Justin pulled back slightly to look at the man he loved, the man who had given and taught him so much. He knew that no one would be able to take Brian’s place in his heart. Brian was the other half of him, and Justin knew that there would be no one else who would ever be able to fill that space in his life. Brian was his life, and Justin knew that they would make it, they would make a life together, no matter what. Their lives were a part of each other, and nothing could take away what they had shared, and what they were to each other. He wouldn’t be able to give up on Brian after tonight. He would never allow Brian to leave his life without a fight. No matter what, he belonged to Brian, and there was no doubt in his mind that Brian belonged to him. Nothing would come between them. If he ever had a doubt about what he meant to Brian, or that he wasn’t good enough for Brian, those doubts were quickly disappearing in the air as Brian continued to hold him tightly, moving him around the small room in time with the music. Go carry on Till the night is gone And it’s time to go. If he asks If you’re all alone Can he take you home You must tell him no. ‘Cause don’t forget who’s taking you home And in whose arms you’re gonna be So darling Save the last dance for me. Cause don’t forget who’s taking you home And in whose arms you’re gonna be So darling Save the last dance for me. Save the last dance for me. Save the last dance for me. Justin reached up and placed his hands on either side of Brian’s face. “I love you,” he whispered, as he leaned in and kissed Brian with everything that he was. Pouring all of his emotions into the kiss, Justin felt Brian’s arms tighten around him, in hopes of making each a part of the other. “Make love to me, Brian.” Brian pulled back slightly and looked into Justin’s eyes. Justin could tell that Brian was making sure that Justin was really ready, and he was. Receiving the answer he was looking for, Brian moved the two to the bed, and gently placed Justin down in the middle of the large mattress. Justin ran his finger’s through Brian’s hair as the man leaned down to lightly kiss Justin’s forehead, eyes, and cheeks then moved to run his tongue over Justin’s awaiting lips. Justin opened his mouth and immediately felt Brian’s tongue enter. Justin began to move his own tongue inside Brian’s mouth, feeling all the contours and texture deep inside. Needing more, Justin quickly reached up and removed Brian’s jacket, so that he could run his hands under his shirt. Lightly, he began to run his fingers up and down the tight muscles of Brian’s back, branding the feel deep within his brain. Justin felt Brian’s own larger hands slowly caress his stomach, up his sides and to his nipples. “God, Brian,” Justin breathed, feeling Brian’s hands gliding over his hot flesh. Brian leaned back slightly to help Justin out of his shirt, and then removed his own. Justin’s breath caught in his chest the moment he felt Brian’s flesh against his own. Brian began to kiss his way down Justin’s neck, sucking, and biting the flesh beneath his lips. Justin moved his head to the side to give Brian better access to his neck, and was not disappointed when he felt Brian lightly bite down in the flesh connecting his neck and shoulder. “Oh god,” Justin moaned, feeling each kiss and bite of his love send an instant signal to his aching cock – hardening it even more. Justin knew that the moment had arrived; there would be no turning back after this night. He was ready to give himself fully to Brian. Brian moved from Justin’s neck down his chest to his nipples. Justin hissed in a sudden breath, as Brian took the hard nub into his mouth and sucked on it. Justin grabbed a hold of Brian’s shoulders and dug his fingers into the man’s flesh – marking Brian as his. Justin looked down at his love and watched as he moved to the other nipple and lightly pulled on the golden ring with his tongue, sending an instant of pain through Justin’s body. Justin felt like he was ready to burst if Brian didn’t continue his journey, but stayed where he was waiting to see what the other man was going to do – enjoying every painful second of the sweet torture he was receiving. Justin felt Brian’s hands move to the belt of his jeans and he sighed in relief. ‘Finally,’ he thought. After Brian had divested Justin of his jeans and underwear, he stood to remove his own remaining clothes. Justin just watched in wonder as he looked upon his lover. Brian’s body never ceased to excite him, never ceased to amaze him. Brian was perfect in every way – from his well sculptured chest, to his long hard cock. Brian was a god in Justin’s eyes, and nothing would ever change that belief. They both knew that they wouldn’t last long this time, since it had been so long for the both of them and the feeling, the need to connect was too strong. As Brian laid back down on top of Justin, he reached to the side and picked up the lube. “I love you, Justin. I need you now,” Brian said as explanation. Justin didn’t care ‘cause he felt the same need that Brian did. The need to be one with each other. “Do it,” Justin said as he reached for Brian’s hand and opened the tube. “I love you.” Justin arched off the bed slightly as the first contact of Brian’s fingers near his awaiting hole. “Please Brian,” Justin begged. Brian instantly gave his reply by placing two fingers deep into Justin’s hole – stretching him, filling him. Justin grabbed a hold of Brian’s head and pulled him down to kiss the man deeply. He wanted and needed to feel Brian. He had never felt this strong a need before in his young life. As they kissed, Justin heard the condom package open and felt Brian lift himself enough to place it on his long, hard cock. Pulling back slightly the two men looked into each other’s eyes as Brian positioned himself at Justin’s opening. “I love you,” Brian breathed against Justin’s skin as he drove his cock in deeply. Justin wrapped his left leg around Brian, arching as much as he could with only one leg to support him. Justin was silently grateful that his injury didn’t hinder the feeling that Brian was producing deep within him. Justin felt Brian reach around Justin’s thighs – careful to keep Justin’s right leg as straight as possible – and pulled them onto his shoulders, driving himself deeper into Justin. Justin felt the air leave his lungs and Brian began to move in and out of him. Not caring about any pain he may feel, Justin reached up and pulled Brian closer to him so that he could drive his tongue deep into the man’s mouth, mimicking the movements below. With each thrust, Brian drove in deeper hitting Justin’s prostate with each solid stroke. Justin felt the tightening of his balls and ass, as his orgasm began to build. The friction of Brian’s pounding, and his own cock rubbing between their bodies was getting too much for Justin as he turned his head slightly to the side and bit his lip. Knowing he couldn’t last much longer, Justin closed his eyes, he began to let go. Feeling his own cum as it shot out between their sweat soaked bodies, Justin felt Brian continue to pound into him. Opening his eyes, he watched as Brian’s eyes closed tightly, his own orgasm moving through his body. After a few more thrusts, Brian was spent, and laid down on top of Justin, both holding tightly onto the other. Justin reached up and pulled Brian toward him for a kiss. Brian leaned his head against Justin’s shoulder as Justin ran his fingers through the sweat soaked hair beneath his fingers. Suddenly, Justin heard the sounds of fireworks going off in the distance, and quietly laughed. “I guess we missed the show.” Brian leaned up and rested on his elbows so that he could look down at Justin. “Are you sorry that you are missing it?” he asked Justin with a smile on his lips. Justin looked up at his lover and returned the smile. “Not in the least. We had our own fireworks anyway. Better than anything they would have.” “Much better,” Brian stated as pulled out of Justin and moved off to the side. Pulling Justin to him, so that the young man’s head rested on his chest, Brian began to run his hands up and down Justin’s arms. “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Justin just shook his head, letting the other man know that he was fine. Justin knew that even if he was in pain, it would all be worth it. “I love you, Brian,” Justin said as he began to close his eyes to sleep. “I love you too, Justin. Happy New Year, Baby.” ******************* Wednesday January 1, 2003 Justin laid his head on Brian’s chest, taking comfort in the feeling. He felt safe and loved for the first time in a long time, and he couldn’t believe that Brian was there with him. The night before had been a dream of Justin’s, and there was no way that he could ever doubt Brian’s feelings for him again. If he had learned anything last night, it was that. Brian loved him, and nothing would tear them apart again. No matter what came up, they would be able to get through it. At least that’s what he wanted to believe. Justin didn’t want to think of being anywhere else except in the arms of the man that he loved, and who loved him back. He had finally found what he had been looking for the past year and a half. He had finally found what he had thought he could find in the arms of Ethan. Justin had known that he didn’t want all of those things with Ethan, that he had only wanted all of that with Brian. But Justin had thought that Brian wouldn’t be able to give him what he craved. How wrong Justin was. Brian had given him everything that he had ever wanted, plus much more. Justin leaned up so that he could look into Brian’s face. After brushing some hair from Brian’s forehead, he leaned in and kissed his lover lightly. Brian slowly opened his eyes and stared into Justin’s eyes. “Morning,” Justin said with a smile. “Morning,” Brian said, trying to wake up. Justin felt Brian stretch, then pulled his body down on top of his own. “So,” Brian began. Justin buried his head into Brian’s shoulders, breathing in his lover’s scent. “It was perfect,” Justin answered Brian’s unasked question. “I love you, Brian.” Brian pulled Justin tighter against him, and Justin wrapped his arms around Brian’s slender frame. “I love you too, baby. Now sleep, you wore me out last night.” Justin laughed, letting his body shake against Brian’s. “Wore you out? I find that hard to believe.” Justin felt his face being pulled to Brian’s and a light kiss being placed on his lips. “Yeah, well, with all the emotions that were floating around here last night . . . A mindless fuck is one thing, but shit. . .” “I know, we definitely have to watch out for the emotional stuff, don’t we?” Justin said with a smile. “It was different though wasn’t it?” “Yeah, it was. I can say that I have never cum so hard before in my life,” Brian said, with a smile playing across his lips. “I know what you mean,” Justin said as he placed his head once again against Brian’s neck and shoulder. “Brian?” he asked. Justin knew that Brian was exhausted, but he felt that he needed to say this. He needed to let the man know how he felt, and what he wanted. He would never again hide things from his lover, not when they have come so far. “Hmm?” “You know that if you ever. . . you know if you need that little thing that I can’t give you. . . “ “I’m not going to do it, Justin. Don’t even think about it. You’re stuck with me,” Justin heard Brian state clearly, as the older man held onto him tighter. “I’m glad,” Justin answered. “But if you ever do, I’ll understand. All I ask is that you tell me, okay?” Justin waited for a reply. After a while he began to think that Brian had fallen asleep again, and the conversation was over. “It’ll never happen, Justin,” Justin heard the reply, about ready to protest. Justin didn’t want to force Brian into anything that the man wasn’t ready for. He knew now what he meant to Brian, and he didn’t want to push too much. He didn’t want Brian to hate him in the long run. “But if it does I promise to tell you,” he finished before Justin could protest, and Justin breathed a sigh of relief. “Now go back to sleep.” Justin could only lean into Brian taking comfort in his love for the other man and the new hope for their future. They were together and nothing was going to break them apart now. Nothing. ******************* When the two arrived at home, Brian moved into their bedroom. ‘Their,’ Brian thought with a smile. It had finally happened, he realized. ‘Justin and I are finally a couple.’ The thought of what they had shared the night before and where they were heading didn’t scare Brian as much as he had thought that it would. Of course it wasn’t as if he wasn’t scared, because he was. There was still a part of him that craved the freedom of his former lifestyle. Although Justin told Brian that the man was free to do what he wanted, but that Justin had wanted to be told, and not kept in the dark, Brian wasn’t sure he could do that. He wasn’t sure that he could hurt Justin like that – ‘cause he knew that it would hurt the young man no matter what was said. Brian wasn’t too dumb to know that locks had been placed on the doors, and that he wouldn’t be able to escape. And truthfully, he didn’t want to. He loved Justin, and he wasn’t about to lose the young man now that he had found him again. Brian wouldn’t let it. Brian was brought out of his thoughts as he felt Justin wrap his arms around Brian’s slender waist. “Thank you,” Justin said, as he reached up with his hand to try and bring Brian around so that they could kiss. “Shouldn’t I be the one to thank you?” Brian replied, as he turned to lean down and kiss Justin. “Have I told you how much I love you lately?” he asked with a small smile on his face. “Not in the last five minutes,” Justin answered. Brian had made it a point since Justin had awoken from his coma in September to tell the young man how he felt every chance he could. Now that they were once again lovers, Brian knew that he would be unable to stop. Now he could also show Justin how he felt, instead of only relying on the words. “Well I guess we just have to fix that now won’t we?” Brian said, as he picked Justin up and placed the young man on the bed. Looking down into Justin’s clear blue eyes, Brian knew that he would try his hardest not to do anything to ruin what they had. “I love you,” he said as he leaned down to lose himself in Justin’s presence. “Always and forever.” “I love you,” Justin replied, as they began to lose themselves in each other. ******************* TBC