Part 5 of For All Time By: Acacia so what will I do without you / who will I see when I close my eyes I can’t face another night alone without you here / cause I can’t face the night without you here / sometimes you just can’t tell you are my paradise / the source of my desires I believe in you so much I’m waiting / here for your touch I need you by my side so with my dreams I can touch the sky I can’t live this way cause this time I know / I cry alone I fear to cry here alone / so I’m looking for an angel I’m looking for you. Looking for an Angel – Laura Pausini Notes: Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic. Justin woke to a slight pressure against his side, and an arm draped across his mid-section. Justin smiled, and bit his lower lip. He couldn’t believe that Brian had been so patient with him in everything. He knew that it must be hard on the man not to have sex, but he was willing to go without, because Justin felt he wasn’t ready. ‘What did I do to deserve him?’ he thought. ‘Where did the Brian Kinney I know go to?’ Justin just couldn’t believe the changes in the man that he had witnessed over the past couple of weeks – months. Brian was everything that he wanted. ‘So why can’t I give him what we both want? Why am I so afraid?’ Justin hated that he felt this way. He felt that he was denying Brian something that the man deserved. Brian deserved his love, and the showing of that love – but Justin just couldn’t bring himself to follow through with it. ‘Of course it doesn’t mean that I can’t give him some release,’ he thought with a slight smile. Justin gently touched Brian’s arm, and watched as Brain moved onto his back without waking. Justin tried not to laugh as he thought about how much things had changed between them. Not only was it Brian who had taken over HIS role in the relationship by being the strong one – the one who would talk – but it was also the little things that made Justin smile. Even in bed they had changed positions. Brian’s side, Justin’s side no longer mattered. Brian often slept on the right side of the bed now, and Justin knew that it was because Brian was afraid to hurt him since all of his injuries were to the right side of his body. Brian was being so considerate that it often brought tears to his eyes. Justin couldn’t believe how much Brian had changed. Looking down at the peaceful look on Brian’s face, Justin had to smile. He didn’t know when, or why, he got so lucky as to have someone like Brian in his life. Brian had been so caring to him these past couple of months that Justin just couldn’t believe this was the same man that he had fallen in love with. Brian had gone out of his way to make things easier for Justin, without Justin being aware it was happening. It was the little things that Brian was doing that had made all the difference in the world to Justin. He remembered all of the things that Brian had done for him while he was in the hospital, and it hadn’t changed a bit when they came home. Brian would make sure that they had things to eat that wouldn’t frustrate Justin when he couldn’t use his hand much. He would set things within reach of Justin, so that the young man didn’t have to try and get up out of his wheelchair. So many little things that Justin knew he would never be able to repay Brian for. All Justin knew for real was that he had fallen in love with Brian all over again, and he knew that it wouldn’t be much longer before he gave in and gave both of them what they truly wanted. Grateful that he was able move around a little more, now that he no longer had the full leg cast, Justin slowly inched closer to Brian. Trying not to wake the man beside him, Justin gently brushed his fingers across Brian’s cheek, down to his neck. The skin beneath Justin’s fingers was as smooth and warm as he remembered, and the feel of it made Justin want the man even more. He wanted to taste Brian; he wanted Brian to know that he was loved, and that Justin was glad to have him there. Justin leaned in a little more and began to lightly place kisses on Brian’s neck, moving down Brian’s torso. Justin knew that the movement was waking Brian up, but he didn’t care. Justin would have to leave soon for work, but felt that he just had to be close to Brian before it too late. He didn’t want Brian to think that Justin didn’t want him. He was afraid that Brian would give up on him – on them, and Justin couldn’t let that happen. It wasn’t that he didn’t want Brian – he did. It was just that he still wasn’t sure that he was good enough for Brian. But that belief was changing, and Justin knew that soon he’d be ready to show Brian just what he meant to him. Justin felt Brian’s hands lightly caress his body as he continued to kiss and taste his way down Brian’s body. Justin lightly dipped his tongue into Brian belly button, and nipped the delicate flesh around the area. Upon hearing Brian’s moan of approval, Justin continued his path until he reached Brian’s erect penis. Justin glanced up at his lover over the head of his cock, and saw that Brian’s eyes were closed and mouth open slightly. Brian was the picture of pure bliss. Slowly he ran his tongue up the back of Brian’s cock, running it along the vein there, heading straight toward the tip. Justin then ran his tongue along the tip, and was awarded with the taste of Brian’s pre-cum. The taste of Brian only fueled Justin more – feeding his need. He could never just have a taste of Brian, he needed ALL of Brian. Keeping his eyes trained on Brian, Justin took Brian into his mouth, while he ran his hand over Brian’s chest, teasing his nipples. As Justin continued to move his mouth up and down Brian’s cock, he moved his left hand down Brian’s smooth body down toward the smooth sacs below Brian’s cock. Justin heard Brian’s sharp intake of breath as he removed his mouth from the cock to take the sac into his mouth instead. “Oh, god . . . Justin,” he heard Brian moan. “Stop teasing.” “Relax,” Justin replied, as he moved back to take Brian’s cock into his mouth. Justin felt Brian’s tight grip on his hair as he moved up and down taking all of Brian in his mouth. He knew that Brian wouldn’t last long as he felt Brian begin to stiffen beneath his hands. As Brian came, Justin continued to take all of the man until there was nothing left. Justin moved up to rest his head against Brian’s chest, and smoothed his hands over his lover, calming him. Brian pulled him up to his lips and hungrily kissed him. As their tongues began to fight for possession of one another, Justin began to feel his resolve weaken. Knowing that if he allowed this to continue any further he would never get to work, Justin pulled away a little and looked down at the lust-filled look in Brian’s eyes. “I’d better get ready. Kate will be here in twenty minutes to pick me up,” he stated with a slight hint of sadness. He wanted Brian now more than ever, but he also knew that he had to get his bearings so that he wouldn’t give in. He couldn’t. Not yet. “Fuck,” Brian breathed. Justin knew that the older man was more than a little frustrated at the whole thing, but Justin could only hope that Brian would allow him a little more time. In fact, Justin had already begun his plans for their reunion, knowing that soon he would be unable to control his own needs and desires when it come to Brian. He wanted to feel Brian in him, and that feeling was getting stronger as the days went on. He was brought out of his thoughts as he realized that Brian was talking to him. “Why the fuck are you going in so early? It’s only 5 a.m.” Justin slowly moved over to the edge of the bed and pulled his wheelchair closer so that he could get in. “Because Kate and I are working on the Anderson account, and we need to make sure that everything is set for YOUR nine o’clock meeting with the boss.” “Fuck,” Brian cursed, as Justin moved the chair into the bathroom. Justin heard Brian continue to talk to him as he began to ready himself for work. “I never thought that you guys did so much. I can say that I have a new respect for your department,” Brian said, as he came up behind Justin to look at the younger man in the mirror. Justin smiled up at Brian in the mirror. “What? Did you think that people like Brad and Bob did all the work?” “No,” Brian said, as he lightly tapped the side of Justin’s head. “Smart ass. I just didn’t think that it was as much work as it really is. I mean come on, what the fuck does the Art Department know about deadlines and pressure?” Justin just threw Brian a look of disbelief. “That was before. Now I see what you guys do, and I have a newfound respect.” “Oh, it wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that it takes MY time away from YOU would it?” Justin asked with a smile. “It wouldn’t be because I have to spend hours fixing the fuck-ups of people like the idiot twins in the other departments would it?” “Don’t flatter yourself,” Brian said as he leaned in to kiss Justin’s cheek. “I was thinking about Kate.” “Asshole,” Justin said with a smile. Taking a deep breath, he knew he had to try and explain what had just happened between them. He didn’t want Brian to think that it was something that it wasn’t. “Brian. . . about before. . .” Brian ran his hands over Justin’s shoulders, lightly caressing and massaging the flesh beneath his hands. “Don’t think about it. Hell, it was the best damn blowjob I’ve had in a long time,” he said with a smile. “I’m not going to push you Justin, but don’t do anything that you don’t want to do because you think you owe me or anything.” “That’s not it, Brian. I want you . . . there’s not doubt about that. It’s just that I’m not ready for more . . . not yet. Do you understand?” he asked, looking into the deep hazel eyes in the reflection of the mirror. “I just need to be sure of myself before we take that step. I need to make sure that I’m not going to hurt you again. I need to know that this is going to last, ‘cause I can’t go through what we went through those couple of months again. I need to be sure that I won’t start to doubt you when some asshole comes around to tell me shit about you, or us. I just. . .” Justin felt Brian wrap his arms around his smaller frame, and pulled him close. “Shut up, will you?” Brian said with a smile. “I understand, Justin. I told you before, and I’ll tell you again: I can wait.” Justin turned his head so that he could look directly into Brian’s eyes without the obstruction of the mirror. He needed to be one hundred percent sure of what Brian was telling him. “I love you,” Brian said, looking directly into Justin’s blue eyes. “Nothing is going to change that, and I won’t allow anything to ruin it. Not again. I can wait.” “It doesn’t make you frustrated?” Justin asked. Brian gave Justin a small smile and laughed. “Oh, I’m frustrated,” he said with a slight gleam in his eyes. “Just so you know, when the time comes . . . payback is a bitch.” Justin laughed and pulled Brian down so that their lips were close. “I guess you’ll just have to punish me properly,” he said with one of his sunshine smiles. “Believe me, you will,” Brian answered back as he placed his lips on Justin’s. Pulling away he raised his eyebrow and ran his tongue over his lips. “You’d better get moving if you’re going to be ready when Kate gets here.” As Brian moved out of the bathroom, Justin could only shake his head in disbelief. ‘What in the world did I do to deserve him?’ he asked himself with a smile on his face. Justin knew that for the rest of the day images of his ‘punishment’ would be running through his mind. ‘Fuck, how the hell am I supposed to work with that running through my head?’ Knowing that Brian had once again turned his slight sadness into a very vivid image of what was to come made Justin wonder what he was getting himself into. Life with Brian would never be boring. *************** Justin was sitting at his desk with Kate and Rick putting the finishing touches on the Anderson account. Rick was one of the top Ad Execs of the firm, much like Brian was with Ryder, and the three of them had been discreetly declared the “Kinney Fix-up Team” by the others in the firm. Justin had to laugh at the whole thing. Most people in the firm were so afraid of Brian’s wrath that they had had to create a special group, just so that things wouldn’t be fucked up when they went up to the boss for approval. Justin hadn’t witnessed the incident that had led to the group, but he had heard of poor old Marcus standing there getting ripped a new asshole by Brian, because the ad for a top account was . . . to say shitty would be an understatement, and had taken no small satisfaction from the mental image. So it was decided that since Justin and his group had always produced high quality work that always – well almost always—passed the high end approval of Brian, they would take the responsibility for making sure things were up to “Kinney standards”. It also helped that Justin’s group had been responsible for getting and maintaining some of the highest paying clients for the firm. Of course Justin would never tell Brian any of this, but it was fun to pick on everyone else in the department. Justin and Kate’s desks faced each other, which allowed a large space upon which to spread things out in front of them as they worked. Kate was sitting down at her desk and continued to work on the presentation format. The three worked well together, with Justin doing the art, Kate preparing the physical presentations, and Rick coming up with everything else. Without Rick, Justin knew that they would be lost. Knowing Rick had helped Justin understand what Brian had had to go through before he became a partner. Rick was like a straight Brian. They both had the same work ethic, which Justin was grateful for – he understood Brian , mostly – so he could work well with Rick’s outbursts. As Justin and Kate were putting the finishing touches on the presentation, Rick came in the office, and sat down next to their desks with three coffees and box of Krispy Kreme donuts. “Oh, god Rick, if you weren’t already dating Nichole, then I’d snatch you up in a heartbeat. Coffee and Krispy Kremes early in the morning. Gotta love it.” Kate grabbed her coffee and a donut and began to eat, waiting for Justin’s final piece of the presentation. “Justin,” Kate asked him with a small smile on her face, “aren’t you hungry?” Justin looked up, grabbed the coffee, and returned her smile. “I already had my breakfast for this morning. Full of high protein goodness,” he said as his smile grew. Rick looked at the two with confusion, then as if a light suddenly light in his head he groaned. “Please don’t tell me this,” he cried out. “I have to meet the man in less than forty-five minutes, and the last thing I need to have in my mind is the thought of him receiving a blow job.” Kate just laughed and leaned back in her chair. “Come on Rick, it would be an interesting picture. I mean he is hot as hell, and I can just imagine just how big he really is.” “Will you please be quiet, fuck! I mean, I respect him, I like him . . . but I just can’t think of my boss. . . fuck,” Rick laughed back at the two while Justin continued to sit there with a look of innocence. Justin was glad that his friends weren’t bothered by the fact that he was gay, nor were they bothered that he was with Brian. They all supported his relationship, or were for a relationship between the two. Even Rick, who was god’s gift to straight Atlanta, was thrilled with the idea of Justin and Brian. Of course he had often told Justin that he needed to teach his girlfriend how to give the best damn blowjob that a person could get. Rick said that she was “lacking” in that area. “Can’t we talk about this AFTER the presentation?” “Why?” Kate asked. “This is the best news that we’ve gotten in a long time. Are the two of you really getting back together?” Justin hit the print button on his computer, and sat back in his chair. “We’re working on it. I think we’re getting there – just a little bit at a time – day by day.” Rick placed his hand on Justin’s shoulder, and waited for Justin to acknowledge him. “I think that’s great. The two of you deserve to be happy. I mean hell, with what you’ve been through this past year, and what you said you’ve been through before – you deserve some happiness.” “Thanks. You guys have helped with it all too, you know. I mean you have helped me see a lot of things that I wasn’t ready to face – and I thank you for that,” Justin told his friends. They had helped him come to terms with a great deal, and helped him to be able to accept what Brian was offering. Justin knew that with their help, and Marsha’s help as well, he and Brian would make it last this time. They wouldn’t let Justin fuck it up. “So anyway, have you heard about the new guy?” “Yeah, what the hell was his name?” Kate asked. “Matt something or another. . . I heard Chris talk about putting him with us so that he can quote learn the ropes unquote,” Rick stated – obviously not thrilled with the idea. None of them were pleased with the idea of another in their group. They had tried that once, and it had just messed up their rhythm and they couldn’t get things done. The three knew each other so well that they could predict what each other was thinking and it worked well for them, and the firm. When someone else came in everything would be thrown out of whack. “Great. I hope they change their minds. I am not ready for some new guy to come along and fuck things up.” Justin placed his coffee on his desk, and shook his head. Reaching for the printout, he handed it to Kate, and then looked back at Rick. “What would he be doing? I mean we already do everything; what more could they add?” “I think that he’s an artist, and Chris said something about giving you a hand. I don’t know, I think it’s complete BS,” Rick stated. Justin knew exactly why they had decided to bring another artist into their group. Since the accident, his hand had been giving him problems again. It was still really weak, and he could only work for short periods of time before he had to take a break. It had added time to his work, but he still got the work done. The computer that Brian had gotten him, and that they had purchased for the firm, worked wonders, and helped him a great deal. Justin knew that his ability to draw without it was greatly diminished, but he didn’t think that he was so bad that he would need someone to ‘help him out’. ‘God, I fucking hate being crippled.’ Kate continued to work on placing the final picture on the presentation board and shook her head. “Let’s hope he’s not like Marcus.” “You mean King Marcus,” Justin asked with disgust. Marcus was the son of one of their top stock holders, and worthless as hell. Justin and Marcus had gotten into a lot of arguments over things, and Justin knew that Marcus was definitely homophobic. Marcus would do anything in his power to destroy Justin if he could, but luckily he hadn’t tried anything. Justin knew that if he did, that would be the end of Marcus. Rick shook his head, obviously remembering his own confrontations with Marcus. “No, I hear he’s not too bad. He’s just a little green.” Justin looked over at Rick and smiled. “Well, we’re all green at some point in time.” “Yeah, but some of us rise above that BS and prove in short order that we won’t take any shit from anyone,” he stated reminding Justin of the major account the three had landed shortly after Justin had come on board. Kate stood up, and placed the boards into a large carrying case and handed them to Rick. “There you go, boss. All set for your big presentation.” Rick took the case and stood to leave. “Don’t forget your protein,” Kate yelled as Rick began to walk out of the area. “You’re cold,” Justin said with a smile. “Had to get him calm before the meeting. You know how he gets.” “Still that was mean,” Justin said shaking his head. What he wouldn’t do to be a fly on the wall during that meeting. He began to wonder if he shouldn’t have told Kate what he had done. ‘Nah, let Rick try and cover this one up,’ he thought with a smile. ‘It will be the best presentation yet.’ ******************** Brian was sitting in his small office in the townhouse, going over some of the work he had brought home with him. He knew that Justin was downstairs with the new guy, working on another account, and Brian tried to stay out of their way. Brian wasn’t too sure about this new guy. He knew that he was protective of Justin, but he wasn’t going to let anyone know that he was watching out for him as much as he was. Brian had looked into the people that Justin worked closely with and determined that they wouldn’t hurt him, but this new guy had slipped through the cracks. Brian hadn’t met him before he had been assigned to work with Justin, and Brian hated that he wasn’t in control. Rationally, Brian knew that he couldn’t control everything, and he couldn’t always protect Justin, but it didn’t mean that he had to like it. Brian was also smart enough to know that if Justin were to ever find out that Brian had screened his co-workers, Brian would be in BIG trouble. Justin hated to be ‘protected’ and hated to have Brian try and control everything. ‘Love makes you do the whacky,’ Brian decided. ‘I love him, and I won’t allow him to be hurt again if I can help it.’ Brian was happy with how things were going between he and Justin. Since the other morning when he had been awakened by a mind-blowing blowjob, he had been in a good mood. They were getting closer together, and each night took them one step closer to a reunion. Brian knew that Justin was still worried, but Brian was tearing down those walls, and making Justin realize that they belonged together. ‘One step at a time,’ he thought with a smile. Brian had never realized that it could be more satisfying to work at a relationship than if you just took want you needed. He knew that when they finally reached the point where they could make love again, it would be the best moment in his life. Of course it wasn’t that Brian wasn’t getting frustrated with the whole thing; he would be lying if he tried to convince himself that he wasn’t. He was extremely frustrated that he couldn’t show Justin just what he felt. He couldn’t always put into words what he felt; he had always relied on actions and not words. It did help however, that Justin had told him that Brian’s understanding showed him more than anything else could’ve. So Brian would wait, and take frequent cold showers. ‘But dammit, when it comes time, Justin’s going to know. . . all the teasing these past couple of months . . ..’ Brian smiled thinking of his ‘revenge’. Justin would never be able to doubt anything after what he had planned for the young man. Brian stood and made his way down the stairs toward the kitchen. Neither Justin nor Matt looked up at him as he stood there in the kitchen watching them, listening. Brian tried not to laugh at what he was hearing between the men, and wondered if Matt knew about him and Justin. “What is it with him anyway? I mean, I heard how he blew up at Chris and Vinny. What is it? Is he always that much of an ass?” Brian heard Matt ask Justin. Brian leaned on the counter to listen to what Justin’s answer would be. “Brian’s just a complicated man,” Justin replied. “Brian?” Brian watched as Justin shook his head. “Mr. Kinney,” he said in reply. “He worked hard to get where he is today, and he won’t settle for second best. He only wants the best, and he won’t let you do second class work. Brian. . . Mr. Kinney is a perfectionist. Don’t fuck with him; don’t screw him over, do your best work and things will go smoothly. The thing with Chris and Vinny was that Bri. . . Mr. Kinney knew that they could’ve done a much better job then what they had done. They tried to snowball him.” Brian watched as Justin looked Matt right in the eye. “Don’t try to pull one over on him. Don’t try to think that you’re smarter than he is. You won’t succeed. He’s smart, and knows when someone is trying to pull one over on him. As long as you work hard and do your best, things will be okay. Don’t forget that.” “Jeez. He just seems a little untouchable. I mean he can be a major asshole from what I heard,” Matt stated, causing Brian to raise his eyebrows at the statement. Brian knew that he shouldn’t be listening in on the conversation, but he was grateful for the insight of what his workers thought of him. Justin shook his head, and laughed. “Yeah, he can be. But he knows the deal and how to handle people like clients. He’s good at what he does, and everything that we do reflects directly on him and Vance. If we fuck up, then it makes them look bad. If you want to stick around this job for a while, you make them look good. It’s as simple as that.” Justin picked up his pen and began to work on the art in front of him on the computer screen. “Still. . .” “No ‘still’. . . You have to know the game. Follow the rules, and things will go smoothly for you. This is a cutthroat business, and if you can’t keep up, you’re dead. Brian knows this and he’ll do whatever he needs to do to be on top,” Justin stated. Brian smiled at Justin’s words. Brian could hear the pride and respect in Justin’s words, and it made him feel good that Justin understood how he was. Knowing that Justin truly understood him and what made him tick made Brian love the young man even more. Matt shook his head, and looked at Justin. “Why do you keep calling him Brian?” Brian saw Justin pause in his work, thinking of how to reply. Brian decided that he would take the pressure off, and maybe show this new guy just what the stakes were, he made his way over to the two men. Pretending that he hadn’t been listening in, Brian leaned in and gave Justin a light kiss on the head. Brian wasn’t afraid of outing him to the new guy, since Justin had informed him that he had told Matt from their first meeting that he was gay. Justin didn’t want any problems with anyone, and wanted to be upfront with people. HE didn’t want to work with someone who would treat him differently, and Brian respected Justin for that. “Hungry boys?” Brian asked with a smile, when he saw the shocked look on Matt’s face. “Brian you are such an ass,” Justin said with a smile. “Matt, Brian. . .Brian, Matt.” Matt just looked up at Brian then to Justin and back up to Brian. “You two. . .” “Yep,” Justin stated. “But . . .” Brian just stood there with a smile on his face, loving the confused look on the man’s face. Justin just shook his head, knowing that Brian was loving playing with the man, and took pity on him. “Brian and I have known each other for years . . . Long before either one of us came here to Atlanta. So don’t mind him, he’s just being a pain, as usual,” Justin stated with a smile on his face, looking up at Brian. “Twat,” Brian replied lightly tapping Justin’s head. “Ruin all my fun.” “You have enough fun,” Justin stated with a raised eyebrow. “I mean, wow. I heard Kate say something about this, but I just thought she was kidding,” Matt said shaking his head. Brian ignored the comment and the look that Justin was giving him, and shook his head. “So, you two hungry or what?” ************** After Matt left, Brian and Justin sat down on the couch and relaxed. It had been a hard couple of days for the two, and both just wanted to relax in each other’s arms. “When is your next appointment with Marsha?” Brian asked as he ran his finger along Justin’s wrist, under the cowry shell bracelet. “Tomorrow,” Justin replied, leaning against Brian and resting his head on the man’s shoulder. “I think she said something about going to ‘her office’,” he said with a small smile. Brian nodded, and held Justin closer to him. “I like her office. Now if I could have one of those types of offices then maybe everyone wouldn’t think me such an asshole,” he said with a smile. Justin just laughed slightly at the remark. “Don’t think that would happen. You’d still be an asshole.” “Hey,” Brian said, pretending to be hurt. “You know that with your little . . . okay huge, perfectionist streak, you can’t be all nice to people who fuck up. You have to be the strong arm,” Justin explained. “True, but you love me for it.” Brian felt Justin nod as the young man began to doze off slightly. “Yeah, I do.” “So how about we go away for New Year’s?” Brian had been talking to Kate and Kelly and the three had decided to take a trip to the ocean for New Year’s. It would be all of their friends getting together for a ‘fresh start’. Kelly had told Brian that she had wanted to get away with everyone that meant something to her, so they could put this past year behind them and start fresh with what really mattered – their friendship. Brian was hard pressed to disagree. There were a lot of things this past year that he would like to forget, and put behind him, but the one thing that he didn’t want to forget was lying in his arms. The two had made great strides these past couple of months in their relationship, and Brian had wanted to put the bad things behind them and concentrate on what was important to him – Justin. Justin looked up at Brian. “Where would we go?” Brian explained to Justin about Kelly’s plan, and what he wanted for himself that night. “New Year’s is supposed to be the night of new beginnings,” he said finally. “We can’t get away from our past, Brian. It’s a part of us,” Justin stated. ”I know that, but we can move past it, move forward.” Justin sat back in Brian’s embrace, and thought about what Brian was asking. He knew that he wanted what Brian was offering almost as much as Brian himself. “Yeah,” he said finally. “Let’s go away.” Brian could feel his heart swell with the knowledge of what was being offered. Justin was ready to let go, and it was the greatest gift that Brian could ever ask for. “You sure?” he asked, wanting Justin to be sure in his decision. ”Yeah, I think I am.” ************** Justin sat in his wheelchair looking out over the vast mountainside, taking the peace he felt there into his soul. “What do you want out of this trip, Justin? What do you want to happen?” Marsha asked him from her spot next to him. Justin looked out, thinking of his answer. He knew that he couldn’t lie to Marsha; she had always been able to see right through him. She had helped him a lot with things and with coming to terms with himself and with Brian. She had helped them both get to where they were now, talking to both of them and letting them get things out in the open. She would never tell him what Brian had said, and visa versa, but she had allowed each one to be more open, and allowed them to be able to express things to one another that they wouldn’t have been able to before. They both owed her a great deal. “I want to move forward. I want to try and begin to put the past behind us. I want to . . . not forget really, but . . . I don’t know, allow it to be a part of me instead of controlling me. Does that make any sense?” “Yeah, it does. Right now, you feel like things are controlling you. Things that you have no control over. Your disability, your life . . .everything. You want to be in control.” Marsha placed her hand on his arm in order to bring his attention solely on her. “And you’ve made great strides toward that goal. The one thing that you feel you need to do, you’re working on. Your relationship with Brian is what you are, who you are. You’re working on your fears, and not letting them control you. The fact that you’ve accepted this trip means a lot. But Justin, don’t think that just because things are getting better between you and Brian, that you are finally able to allow him to be a part of you, doesn’t mean that you’re better. You’re far from it. We have a long way to go before you can really let go.” Justin nodded. “I know. But I think I’m finally getting to the point where I can be open with Brian. Really open. You’ve helped me to see that, and he’s been a great help too. I want to be with him, I want to make love to him. That’s something I didn’t think I was going to be able to feel for a long time.” “I’m proud of you,” she said with a smile on her face. “But . . . I want you to know that even if you take this step, which I hope to god you do, it doesn’t mean that everything will go away; that all of your problems from before will just disappear. You still have a lot of issues that you need to deal with on your own. Don’t think that Brian can take it all away, ‘cause he can’t. NO one can. Only you can come to terms with everything, and we’ll be there to help you. All of us.” “I know, and I can’t thank you guys enough. I was a fucking mess when I first came here, and you’ve helped me. Thank you,” Justin said with tears in his eyes. “That’s my job. . . as your shrink and as your friend. You’ve come a long way, and I’m proud of you. No matter what, I’ll be there for you.” Marsha looked out over the mountainside, allowing them both to take in the calm that surrounded them. “How’re the medical things going? Headaches?” “I still feel like shit most of the time, but that’s to be expected. I still have blow-ups, too. I hate that I can’t control it, but I’m getting better. The doc said that it would be a little while before I can even resemble normal,” he said with a sigh. Marsha knew that Justin felt helpless when it came to his medical condition, and she had tried to get him to open up. She knew that he didn’t tell Brian half of the problems that he had, but she also knew that Brian knew that they were happening. Things weren’t always perfect between her two friends, but they were getting better everyday, as Justin continued to heal and come to terms with his medical condition. “It will take time. Everything is getting better. You’re coming to terms with your past, as is Brian. That’s a big step in the right direction. I hope you two can put some things behind you on New Year’s, but no matter what happens, we’ll all be there for the both of you. I’ll be there for you.” “You’re coming, right?” Justin asked in a pleading voice. Marsha knew that Justin needed to have her there for him, and she wouldn’t deny him that. She had promised that if he ever needed to talk, she would be there, and she wasn’t about to break her promise. Too many people in his life had done that, and she wasn’t going to do that to him. “Yeah, I’m going to be there.” “Good,” Justin said as he looked out again at the mountain side. “Good.” “Besides, I have to hear all about what you have planned and how it turns out,” she said with a smile. Justin turned to her with his own smile. “I think I’m ready. I think I’m ready to take the next step.” “I know you are,” she said. She believed it too. Justin had worked hard to overcome his fear of not being good enough for Brian, and his fear that he would hurt the older man again. They had worked on it together as a couple, which Marsha was grateful for. They were definitely growing as a couple, and she was glad to see the two happy. They both deserved to be. She only hoped that it would make them stronger, and that no one would try to fuck it up between them. She knew all of the problems that they had had in the past, and she wasn’t going to allow anyone to take this away from the two. They deserved some happiness after the past couple of years that they’d had together. They deserved to be together and happy. They deserved each other. She knew that New Year’s Eve would be the turning point in their relationship. She only hoped that it would make their bond that much stronger. She hoped that it would make it so strong that nothing would be able to tear them apart again. Marsha knew that if it didn’t work out between them this time, neither one of them would survive. She would lose both of them, and that was something that she would not let happen. She would not allow anyone to destroy these two people who had become her family. She’d fight to save them. Brian and Justin belonged together, and no one was going to stand in the way of that happening. That was her promise to them. *************** TBC