Part 4b of For All Time By: Acacia Continued from Part 4a -- Inhale I can feel the magic floating in the air Being with you gets me that way I watch the sunlight dance across your face And I've never been this swept away All my thoughts just seem to settle on the breeze When I'm lying wrapped up in your arms The whole world just fades away The only thing I hear Is the beating of your heart Breathe – Faith Hill Notes: Must read the previous parts in order to understand this fic. Continuation of Breathe In Breathe – Inhale: Brian, Jennifer, Molly, and Daphne head to Atlanta to be with Justin. Brian faces some hard decisions, and comes to terms about his feelings toward Justin. Jennifer gives Brian her blessings. After weeks of waiting, Justin wakes from his coma. Part 4b Brian stood outside gate as the plane arrived, waiting for Jennifer to arrive. After he had noticed Justin starting to wake, he immediately called her, and told her the good news. Jennifer was on a plane an hour later, and now Brian was standing there waiting for her to come off the plane. Justin had awakened fully two hours ago, and was immediately carted off for tests. Brian reluctantly left his side, knowing that there was nothing that he could do, and headed for the airport. After weeks of sitting by waiting – watching as life slowly crawled around him – it had seemed as if someone had hit the fast forward button. Everything was happening so quickly that Brian wasn’t sure if he could keep up. Brian took a deep breath and stretched his sore muscles. He felt like he had been sleeping in that uncomfortable hospital chair for years, as every muscle screamed at him in protest at his sudden movement. Brian felt a smile come to his lips as he saw Jennifer walk off the plane and head toward him. His smile was short-lived however, as he looked past her and saw a hoard of people following closely behind her. ‘Fuck! I told them not to come yet,’ he swore to himself. Brian had called Lindsey after his talk with Jennifer and told her the news. He had told them that until he could determine Justin’s mood, he didn’t want everyone around. He wanted to have the chance to talk to Justin, and time to allow Justin to come to terms with his new disability, but no. Silently he cursed as he saw Deb, Vic, Lindsey, Emmett, and Michael all make their way over to him. Brian had hoped they would’ve listened. ‘But once again, they don’t fucking listen. FUCK!’ Brian suddenly wished that Marsha was there with him, but he knew that she was needed more at the hospital with Justin. “I thought I told you all to fucking wait until we knew something,” he said as he looked over at the group that had arrived in front of him. Jenn placed her hand on his arm, forcing him to look at her. “Brian, they insisted on coming.” “Fuck that. I told all of you to hold off. We don’t know anything right now, and the last thing that Justin needs is everyone fucking hovering around,” he said as the turned away from them. He couldn’t look at them, as he led the way toward the baggage claim area. He glanced over at Jennifer, and shook his head. “I got you a rental car. They’re most likely still running tests so if you want to drop your stuff off at the house you can, then head on over.” Jennifer smiled at him slightly. “Thank you, but I think I’ll head straight to the hospital. I can only stay the weekend before I have to go back.” “Where’s Molly?” “She’s with her father. I didn’t feel right pulling her out of school anymore than I already have,” she said as she began to look for her luggage. “In other words that asshole refused to let you bring her down here,” Brian said with disgust. He knew the answer and refused to hide his anger. “Fucking bastard.” Jenn just lowered her head, and Brian could see the pain and stress Craig was putting her through. It just made Brian hate the man more. “How is he?” Brian shrugged, still refusing to acknowledge the others that were intently trying to listen in. “He woke up fully two hours ago, and the doctors carted him off for tests. I won’t know anything until we get out of here, and I can call Marsha.” Jenn nodded. “She stayed there with him?” Brian nodded and looked out at the people meeting and reuniting with loved ones. “Yeah, we both thought it best. I asked them to hold off telling him about. . . until I got back, but who the fuck knows. Knowing Justin as I do, he won’t stop until he gets answers. So she’s there to try and help him if they do tell him.” Brian finally turned his attention to the rest of the group and shook his head. “So where the fuck are all of you planning on staying?” Jennifer looked at Brian with shock, but Brian shook it off. “Brian?” Brian turned to look at her briefly and just stared. “No, Jenn. I told them to fucking wait.” Brian wasn’t going to let up. They had gone against his wishes and just done what they thought was right, yet again. He was sick and tired of them trying to do what THEY thought was right for Justin. They didn’t know Justin and what he’d been going through. “I told you to wait. Wait for Justin to get a little better. He’s going to be finding out that he’s fucking crippled for the rest of his life. Now how the hell do you think he’s going to handle that? You don’t know. I wanted a little time to get him through the initial shock, so that maybe he can be ready to face all of you without feeling your pity. But you had to take matters into your own fucking hands.” Brian noticed the shocked looks on the faces of his friends and the looks he was getting from people passing by. He didn’t care who heard him at that moment, he was pissed. “You know what -- fuck it. I have to get back to the hospital. You do what you want,” he said before any of them could say anything in return to his outburst. He handed Jennifer the keys to the rental car, and turned to walk toward Justin’s mustang. As Brian walked toward the car, he felt people behind him and knew that they were going to try and get a ride from him. Without acknowledging them Brian pulled out his cell and dialed a now familiar number. “Marsha, how is he?” “He knows,” he heard her tell him. Brian froze in the middle of the parking lot, and felt Michael run into him. “What!? FUCK! I told them to fucking wait. What the hell were they thinking?” Despite the fact that he knew that Justin could find out before he got there, Brian was furious that his wishes once again had been ignored. ‘None of them know what’s best for Justin. I do.’ Brian stood there waiting for the explanation, as he clenched the cell phone tightly in his hand. “It was a new guy. He just came on duty. Justin was upset that the doctor wasn’t telling him anything so he asked this guy. I’m going back into Justin room to try and help him through this. I just stepped out when you called.” “FUCK! When I get my hands on that little fucker.” Brian heard Marsha laugh and he was suddenly grateful that she had stayed there. “Trust me, I don’t think he’ll ever come near any of us again,” Brian heard her say. He could almost see the evil gleam in her eyes. Despite the fact that she was Justin’s shrink, Brian and Marsha had become friends. She wouldn’t tell him what she discussed with Justin, but she was there to help him through his own pain. She had helped him a lot these past couple of weeks. “But give me some time to try and talk to him.” Brian closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “How is he taking it?” Brian heard nothing for a while, and began to wonder if they had been cut off. “Not well,” she said. “I’m going to try and calm him down. The doctor said that we could try and give him a sedative, but he only wants to use that as a last resort right now. Don’t worry; I’ll work with him. Take your time, don’t rush. We’ll be here when you get back.” “Yeah, thanks. Listen, one more thing,” Brian began, turning to face the group behind him. He shrugged and turned away again. “We have a slight problem here, too,” he quietly said into the phone. “It seems the gang didn’t follow my advice, and came anyway. You think Justin would be able to see them?” “Right now, no. Justin still has a lot of issues from the time of his leaving Pittsburgh, and I’m not sure that it’s a good time for him to see them. He hadn’t come to terms with any of that BEFORE this, and now. . .. Anyway, I’ll talk to them when they get here, because seeing them right now is not in Justin’s best interest. And as much as I hate to say this, Brian, he doesn’t even want to see you right now. Hell, he doesn’t even want to see me.” Brian could hear the sadness in her voice as she told him. Brian reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Okay, listen I’m on my way. Just calm him until I can get there, then I’ll talk to him. I don’t care if he doesn’t want to see me, I think I’ve earned the right by sitting by his side for the past two fucking weeks.” “I always knew you were a determined fuck, Brian,” he heard her laugh. “I’ll see you soon. Oh, don’t take 75,” she said quickly. “There’s been an accident and it’ll take you two hours just to get here, instead of 30 minutes.” Brian glanced over at the group around him. “I’ll remember that, but I might forget to say that to some other people. Let them find out for themselves,” he smiled. “You are an evil, evil man, Brian Kinney. See ya soon,” she said as they hung up. Brian looked over at the group, and began to plan what the next course of action would be. Coming to a decision, Brian told Emmett, Lindsey, and Jennifer that they would ride with him, leaving the others to take the rental car. Of course he had told Michael that the way to get to the hospital was to stay on I-75. He needed time to prepare Justin before they all arrived, and why not let them sit in traffic and think about crossing him again? *************** Brian walked into the hospital and headed down the now-familiar hallways toward Justin’s room. Before they reached the door, he looked over at the three with him. “Listen, let me go in there first. Let me talk to him. Once I get him calmed down, and find out what he wants, I’ll come and get you,” he said to them. Silently he hoped that they would agree, ‘cause he didn’t have the energy to fight with them. When Jennifer gave him her blessing, Brian sighed in relief. As long as Jennifer agreed with him, he was okay. He couldn't care less about what anyone else thought. She had given him her blessing to see her son, and he wasn’t going to screw it up. Brian walked into the room, making sure to slide in without notice. Sitting in the chair by Justin’s bed was Marsha. She was trying to talk to him, but Brian could tell that Justin was refusing to acknowledge her. Brian silently cursed once again at the damn idiot who had told Justin before he had been there to help. ‘Time to try and clean up the mess,’ Brian thought as he moved further into the room. He knew the instant that Justin saw him, for Brian saw the younger man stiffen. “Get out,” Brian heard him quietly say. “What?” Brian asked, pretending not to have heard him. “I said GET OUT! GO ON GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE,” Justin yelled. Brian moved closer to the bed, and sat down on the edge. “No,” he simply stated. “I think I have every fucking right to be here, since for the past two fucking weeks I have been sitting in that very chair waiting for you to wake up. So no, I’m not leaving now.” “Please, just go,” Justin begged him – the fight starting to drain out of the young man. Brian knew that the little outburst must’ve taken a lot out of him, and Brian hated that Justin was hurting. Brian almost folded at Justin’s painful plea. Justin sounded so weak, and so helpless that Brian almost gave in, but closed his eyes to refocus himself instead. Brian reached over and grabbed ahold of Justin’s left hand to hold it in his own. When he felt Justin’s weak attempt to pull away, Brian held tighter. “No. I’m not going anywhere. So deal.” Brian gave Marsha a glance, letting her know that he wanted time to be alone with Justin. Taking the hint, she got up and left the two alone. Brian turned his attention to Justin, who had his eyes closed and face turned away from him. “Justin,” he quietly tried to get his attention. “Justin.” When Justin didn’t answer, Brian knew he had to get the young man’s attention. He had to try and get Justin to see that no matter what, he didn’t see him any differently. He was still the man that Brian loved. “Fine, you don’t want to acknowledge me. Well, then, just listen.” “Please just go away. Go away, and leave me alone,” Justin begged. “I can’t,” Brian began. He was going to tell Justin exactly what he had planned on telling him when he woke up. He had had a lot of time to think about what he was going to say, and he wasn’t going to back down now. “I love you, Justin. And no matter what you try to do – what you try to say – it’s not going to make a damn bit of difference. I love you, and I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me.” Justin turned to look at Brian with a shocked expression on his face. Brian knew that he had just admitted to Justin what the young man had always wanted to hear from him. The strangest thing was that Brian wasn't at all confused or upset by his admission. Justin needed to know how Brian felt, and he wasn’t going to lose the chance to try and start over. “How can you say that?” Justin asked him. Brian was slightly confused by the question. The last thing he ever would’ve thought was for that question to come out of Justin’s mouth when he declared his love. “How can you say that you love me? Look at me! LOOK AT ME!” Brian did as he was told and really looked at Justin. He knew he saw the same man that he loved – nothing had changed. “How can you love someone who is, and will forever be, fucked up? How can you love someone who isn’t even a whole person? Do you really think you would want to deal with all the shit that I’m now faced with? There will be no more dancing for me. No more anything! Tell me you really want to deal with that shit – and I’ll know you’re fucking lying. I can’t be the person you need, Brian. I can’t be the type of person you deserve. I can’t be anything anymore. How can you even think that? How?” Justin finished. Brian could see the tears running down Justin’s face, and he felt his heart break. Brian had talked to Marsha in depth about what Justin would most likely be feeling when he woke up, and for that Brian was grateful. It had prepared him for what was happening now. He knew that Justin was trying to make Brian realize that he wasn’t worth it – that he wasn’t a whole person. Justin was trying to show Brian that he didn’t deserve to be loved. He was trying to make Brian angry and push him away so that he could suffer alone. Brian wasn’t going to let that happen. “Do you honestly fucking think that I care about that shit? Do you think that I’m so insensitive that I care about any of that? I thought you knew me better than that, Justin. You should know that I never say anything that I don’t mean. So you can’t walk right now, so fucking what? That doesn’t mean that if you work hard enough at it you won’t be able to walk again – even if it’s years from now so fucking what? So you suffered yet anther head injury and your drawing hand is once again weak. Well we got through that once before and we’ll do it again. Stop trying to be a drama princess, and get over it.” Brian reached toward Justin and pulled his face so that he could look directly into the pale blue eyes of his lover. "You’re stronger than that. You should know that I don’t care about that shit. You can survive this.” Brian saw Justin’s eye begin to water, as the tears began to flow down the young man’s cheeks. “You can beat this thing. I know you can. You’re the strongest person I know, and I won’t let you give up now. You’ve survived so much already. Don’t let this beat you. Fight. Please.” “Why? Why do you care?” Justin asked. “I told you, I love you,” Brian informed him through a small smile. “I’ll be there for you, Justin. I’ll help you. Take your frustration out on me, I don’t care. You have to let it out, don’t let it overtake you. Please. Let me be there for you.” Justin closed his eyes, overcome with emotion, and Brian felt himself start to lose control. “I don’t know if I can. I’m so fucking scared, Brian.” “I know you are, baby. I know. I’m scared too, but I want to help you. I told you that before, remember. I want to help you; I want to be there for you. But I’m going to need your help here,” Brian told him. Brian wasn’t going to screw this up. He had to get Justin to understand that no matter what, his disabilities didn’t change how Brian felt for the other man. “Tell me something. Do you honestly think that I care about this?” Brian said pointing toward Justin’s injuries. “Do you? 'Cause if you do, stop it right now. I don’t care about that. That is not the reason why I love you.” “Then why?” Justin asked. “Because you are the most persistent, loyal, kind, caring person I know . . . and no one adores me as much as you,” Brian said with a smile. When he saw a small smile on Justin’s face he knew that he was getting through. “And because you taught me so much, Justin. You taught me that I could love, and be loved. You taught me how to open up and let people in. You fought tooth and nail to get me, and now that I finally am ready to give myself to you fully, do you think that I’m going to let you go? Well guess again. I love you, Justin Taylor. I’m not letting you go.” Justin just leaned into Brian as he moved further onto the bed to pull Justin to him. “I don’t know if I can, Brian. I don’t know if I have it in me anymore.” Brian laid his head on top of Justin’s and held the boy closer to him. “Then I’ll teach you, like you taught me. It may not be tomorrow, Justin, or a month from now. But I can wait. I can wait for you to come around, and realize – like I have – that we belong together. You can’t get rid of me now. You’re stuck with me. I love you, baby. No matter what.” Brian just continued to hold onto Justin as he felt the younger man shake with sobs. “Let it out, Justin. Let it all out. Let me be here for you, like you have for me. I won’t let you go. I’ve got you,” Brian whispered to Justin. “Why? Why is this happening to me,” Justin asked him turning slightly to look at Brian. “Am I such a terrible person that I deserve this? What did I do wrong to deserve this? Why am I being punished?” Brian looked down at Justin’s sad, questioning face, and knew that he didn’t have the answers to his questions. “I don’t know. I wish I did, Justin. God, I wish I knew, but I don’t. But you’re not being punished. You did nothing wrong. You hear me? Nothing.” Brian leaned in and kissed Justin lightly on his bruised and chapped lips. He pulled away and took Justin’s hand into his own. “I want you to do something for me.” “What?” Justin asked, and Brian could hear the exhaustion in the man’s voice. Brian reached over and began to take off his cowry shell bracelet. “I want you to wear this, okay?” “Brian, no. You never take that off. Never. I can’t take that,” Justin began to protest. ”Listen to me before you start getting yourself worked up.” Brian heard Justin take a deep breath, and was silent. “Okay, now I want you to wear this so that you'll know that no matter what is going on – no matter where you are – you'll know that I’ll be there for you.” Brian took Justin’s right hand and gently placed it around his wrist, tying it securely. “If you start to feel like you can’t take it, or you feel like you’re not good enough, or whatever, I want you to look at this, and know that no matter what, I love you, and I’m here for you.” Brian watched as Justin looked down at the addition to his wrist. “You can yell and scream at me all you want when it gets too much. I can take it. Just let me be there for you. I’ll watch out for you.” “Brian,” Justin began as he pushed himself further into Brian. “Help me.” “I will, Justin. Don’t worry about that.” “Promise me something,” Justin began. “Promise me that you won’t let me hurt you again.” “I don’t know if I can, Justin. We’ll both hurt each other, but I promise you that we’ll work it out,” Brian said. “No matter what, we’ll make it through this.” Brian felt Justin begin to relax a little in his embrace and knew that this was just the first of many outburst that they would have to work through. Justin’s anger and sadness at this whole ordeal was only starting. “There are some other people here to see you,” Brian stated, and immediately felt Justin stiffen in his arms. “But if you’re not ready to see them, I’ll tell them to go away. I’m not going to force you to see anyone. Well, except maybe your mom, but that’s it.” Justin just shook his head. “I don’t want to see them.” Brian just nodded. “Okay, I’ll tell them that they’ll just have to wait. Okay?” “Okay,” Justin said. Brian could feel Justin start to slip away into sleep. All the drugs that had been pumped into his body and the whole ordeal of waking up and learning the extent of his injuries had taken its toll on the young man. “Tired,” Justin stated. ”Sleep. I’ll be here when you wake up,” Brian said as he laid a kiss on top of Justin’s head. “Promise.” “I promise,” Brian stated as he felt Justin lose his fight with sleep. “I’ll be here, Justin. You can count on that.” ****************** Brian walked out of Justin’s room to face the ‘firing squad from Pittsburgh’. He knew that they were going to give him shit for what he was about to tell them, but he had promised Justin that he would keep them away. He walked into the small waiting room, and immediately noticed that the others had finally made it. ‘I guess they cleared up the accident pretty well,’ he thought with a smile. He saw that Marsha was sitting there talking to them, and Brian just stood by the door so that he could listen in without interrupting. “As I was saying, Justin has a lot to deal with right now, and it’s not just from this recent event either. He still has a lot of issues still unresolved from when he left Pittsburgh. He’s not sure that he can trust any of you, and he’s not sure if he is ready to face his past mistakes. I’m not sure he’s ready to face those yet either.” “Why wouldn’t he be able to trust us?” Michael stated, forcing Brian to laugh. Brian walked into the room, and sat down next to Marsha and leaned his head back against the chair. “Why the hell would he trust you, Michael? Fuck, you were the one who betrayed him.” “What?! I did what was right, Brian. He was cheating on you, you needed to know,” Michael angrily stated. Brian continued to relax in the chair, not wanting to get into this conversation here, but knowing that Michael wasn’t going to let it go. He had gotten over his initial rage at the group for what they had done, or not done, to Justin during his final months in Pittsburgh. However, he had not fully gotten over his anger. Brian felt something being placed in his hand, and he looked up to see Marsha place a cup of coffee in it. Smiling his thanks, he turned his attention back to his friends. “Look, we all know that Justin was cheating on me. That is not in dispute here. But you could’ve talked to him about it. You should’ve just let him handle it himself. Let him know what you saw, and let him handle it in his own way. But you had to play the hero, didn’t you, Mikey? You just had to try and rescue me.” “I did it because you’re my friend, and I care about you. HE was the one who was cheating on you. He’s at fault here, not me,” Michael stated, standing. “Sit your ass down, Mikey,” Brian said. When Michael sat back down, Brian took a deep breath. “I don’t fucking care what happened, and frankly it’s over. What I want to know is why none of you fucking bothered to check up on him after the break-up. Why did all of you just blame him, and shut him out?” Brian heard everyone begin to talk at once, and Brian raised his hand to silence them. “That’s what I’m talking about. You all just decided to take it upon yourselves, once again, to interfere where you should’ve just left well enough alone. You all decided that Justin needed to be punished for ‘breaking my poor wittle heart’. Fuck that. You were wrong. No one bothered to even notice that he was suffering. No one even bothered to try and talk to him. So don’t fucking tell me what is right and what is wrong. If Justin doesn’t want to see you, or deal with your shit right now, who could blame him? Why should he have to face being judged by you again?” “Bri, that’s not what we were doing,” Lindsey spoke up. ”Lindz, I know that you, Emmett, and Vic stood by his side, and for that I’m grateful. What I’m talking about is you – Deb and Michael – sitting there and treating him differently. And it wasn’t just the two of you either. It was everyone.” Brian placed the cup of coffee on the side table and leaned forward to run his hands against his face. ‘God, I am tired.’ “Jenn, Justin says that he’ll see you, but he’s resting right now, so if you want to wait,” he said. Jenn agreed to wait, and Brian turned to the others in the room. “However, Justin’s not ready to deal with all of you yet. He doesn’t want you to see him like this, and he just doesn’t want to deal. I agree. So until he tells me differently, you’ll have to wait. I’m sorry if it seems unfair, but you should’ve listened to me when I told you to stay where you were.” “Brian, how can he not want to see us?” Deb asked. “We love him.” Brian could hear the pain that his words had caused her. He knew that Deb loved Justin, and that Justin loved her. “I’m sorry, but Justin’s my responsibility, and I promised him that I would do what he wants. If he says he’s not ready, then he’s not ready. I’m sorry,” he said honestly to her. “You can see him through the glass, you can stay and wait it out, or you can go home, whatever. But until he says that he wants to see you and talk to you, you need to abide by his wishes.” “We wanted to see Justin,” Deb persisted. “Yeah, well he doesn’t want to see you right now. But did you listen? No. Once against you are butting in where you have no right to butt into. You are trying to interfere . . . and this time, it’s not going to work,” Brian stared at them, daring them to say anything. Marsha let out a loud sigh, bringing everyone’s attention toward her. “Alright, the important thing here is Justin. Nothing else matters right now. Not the past, nothing. Justin is what matters.” Marsha turned toward Brian and smiled. “You know, you asshole, you never told me he had such a mouth on him.” Brian smiled at her attempt to break the tension in the room. He picked up his cup of coffee and tipped toward her. “I can attest to that,” Brian said in his normal tongue in cheek manner. Marsha hit him lightly on the arm, and shook her head. “You are such a pervert, you know that? You know what I mean, and it wasn’t that.” “But it was a good attempt at distracting us, wasn’t it?” Brian said as he began to stand. “Why don’t all of you head up to the house, and the rest of us will be up there as soon as we can. Marsha, can you take them to the house, show them where to go?” “Of course, but you have my number if he needs me,” she said, standing as well. “Well, it’s been real, but I promised Justin that I’d be there when he wakes up, so . . .” Brian just turned and walked away, having had the last word. **************** Justin had been awake for two weeks, and he still felt terrible. Brian had been trying hard to get him to understand that his disabilities didn’t matter, but Justin was finding it hard to believe. He had suffered two seizures, and every time he had one, the pain that followed was excruciating. The drugs they were giving him to stop the seizures were making him sick, and he couldn’t take them with the pain medication. Overall, life was terrible. Brian was with him everyday, and Justin felt guilty. Most of the time, he treated Brian like crap, yelling, crying, puking all over him, and so on. But Brian stayed. He would hold him tightly against his body, telling him that he loved him, and that he was there. He never said that it would be okay, and for that Justin was grateful. It wasn’t going to be okay. Not anymore. His life had changed and he wasn’t sure where he was going to go from that moment on. His only thought was that as long as he got through the day, he was alright. He couldn’t think past a day at a time. His head hurt, his leg hurt, and his hand was worthless once again. Brian had brought Kate over one day, when Justin was feeling low, and Justin found that he was still able to work. He had felt before that visit that he would never be able to work for the firm anymore – hell he couldn’t draw, so why would they want him? But Kate had brought a horrendous drawing that one of the other guys had done for an ad, and Justin had immediately told her what she needed to do to fix it, what would look right. It wasn’t until Kate had left that he had realized what Brian had done, and he laughed. Brian was doing things like that for him, without Justin even realizing it until after the fact. Brian was the only one who hadn’t let him down. He said that he would be there no matter what, and that he would help Justin. Brian had followed through with everything he had promised. This was the side that only Justin saw – the side that he had fallen in love with. Brian would let Justin yell and scream at him, hit him – and he never once batted an eye. He would look at Justin when the spell had passed and ask him if he was done. Justin didn’t know what he would do without Brian there for him. When Justin would get sick, or depressed, Brian would crawl into bed with him and hold him until it passed. When Justin’s anger showed, Brian would stand there and just look at him – taking everything that Justin could throw at him, every insult. Even though Justin knew that emotional outbursts were a part of the whole ‘brain injury package’ he hated what he was doing to Brian. Every time he would start in on Brian – he knew in the back of his head that it was wrong – that he shouldn’t be taking it out on Brian. Brian was the only one who was there for him. But somehow he couldn’t stop. He just couldn’t calm himself enough to think about what he was doing – it would just all come out. His mother had been there for a couple of days, and Justin was grateful that she was gone. Despite the fact that he loved her, he hated how she tried to hover around him, doing everything for him. Brian would just tell him to do it himself, and only help if Justin wasn’t physically able to do it alone. He knew that some of the others from Pittsburgh where there, but he just didn’t want to see them. He saw Emmett, Lindsey, and Vic briefly, but he couldn’t stand to see the looks in their eyes – the look of pity. He had enough pity for himself, and he didn’t need theirs to add to it. So they came only that once. After that visit, Justin told Brian that he wouldn’t see any of them anymore. He just couldn’t take the looks they were giving him. So they didn’t come back. Justin didn’t know if they had gone back to Pittsburgh or not, but to him the farther away they were right now the better. He wasn’t ready to face all of that right now, and he wasn’t sure if he ever would be. Justin knew that the doctors had told him that he’d be able to walk again. He might need to use assistance, such as a cane, but they were hopeful. Of course all Justin cared about was that he wouldn’t be allowed to put any pressure on his leg for nine month to a year. That meant either a wheel chair or crutches. Brian had joked about it, telling Justin that as long as his ass and cock were alright, things were okay. Justin had to laugh at Brian’s technique for getting him to laugh about things – especially since he felt that there weren’t many things to be happy about. Justin looked down at his right hand, hating that once again his art career was in jeopardy. The only positive thing about it was that Justin now knew that he could get through this disability. He may never be as good as he was before the bashing or the accident, but he could still have his art. He also knew that there would be times when he wouldn’t be able to hold a pen -- that was just all part of the package. It was just another thing that Justin had Brian to thank for. Lightly he ran his left hand over the shells on Brian’s bracelet. Brian had given it to him so that he wouldn’t forget what he meant to Brian. Brian would never realize just what it meant to Justin. When he felt his worst, Justin would lightly run his fingers over the shells and remember Brian’s words. ‘I want you to look at this, and know that no matter what, I love you, and I’m here for you.’ Justin only hoped that one day he would be able to return that love again. He hoped that one day he would feel worthy of Brian's love, and that they could start over. He owed Brian so much. Marsha had come by often to sit and talk when Brian was at work. Their talks had also helped Justin. Justin was glad that she was there for him, and that she had also been helping Brian. They had realized that the missing memories of the prom may never return, and Justin was trying to come to terms with that. She had told him before that the likelihood of Justin regaining all of his memories of that night was slim, and he had been working hard to accept that. He also knew that with his current injury, any memories that might have been able to resurface were now lost to him. He mourned their loss, especially the loss of his and Brian’s dance. That was the one memory of the night he wanted most of all, but now it looked like it would never return. Marsha had also been helping him try and come to terms with his new disabilities. She had been as much help to him as Brian had – both actually allowing him to believe that it wasn’t the end. He was starting down a new path – a more difficult path. She had told him that despite the bad things, he could turn it into something positive. He could make his life, others' lives better. This would make him stronger in the long run, and once he got past this – got past the initial shock – he would be much happier than he ever had been before. Of course she had mentioned that it was already looking up 'cause he had Brian there with him, willing to do anything for him. This had gotten Brian to admit what he felt, and they now had a chance to make a life together in the future. A chance that wasn’t allowed them before. They were now equals, and that was what made the biggest difference of all. Justin looked up when the door opened and smiled when he saw Brian come in. “Hey,” he said. “Well, I see that you’re up,” Brian answered as he came over and kissed Justin lightly on the lips. “So how was therapy today? It did start today, right?” Justin nodded and laughed slightly. “Yeah, it did.” He moved over so that Brian could sit on the edge of the bed, careful of his leg. “It wasn’t too bad. They think that for right now, I will have to use an electronic wheelchair, cause of my hand. I mean since it’s still weak, and will be for awhile, I can’t very well use crutches or a regular wheelchair.” Brian picked up Justin’s hand and ran his fingers over the shell bracelet the same way Justin had earlier. “I guess you can be giving me rides then,” he said with a smile. “I’m sure we can come up with some uses for it.” Justin just shook his head. He should’ve figured that Brian would think of something sexual. “I don’t know it’s kinda small. It’d be a tight fit.” Brian leaned into Justin and breathed in his ear. “You should know how much I like a tight fit.” “God, you are so bad. Here I am, getting fitted for a fucking wheelchair, and you’re thinking about sex,” Justin laughed. “I should’ve known.” “Well, you know me by now. I just can’t get enough of you.” Justin just continued to shake his head. Once again, Brian had made him laugh about the sadness of what was happening to him. He had pulled Justin out of the edge of depression with a single comment. “What?” Brian asked. “How do you do it?” Seeing the confused look on Brian’s face, Justin just smiled. “Right when I’m ready to fall into a depression fit, you always seem to find something to say that makes me laugh. I mean first it was the whole deal with me not being able to work again, and here you come with Kate, and make me see how stupid I was to think that.” Justin watched as Brian turned his face to look at the far wall. He knew that Brian didn’t want Justin to know half of the stuff that he had done to make it easier on Justin, but Justin wasn’t going to let it go. “Then it was the medication. I mean did you have to make the comment about Codeine, and how much of a bumbling, scared kid I was that first night.” Justin saw a small smile play across Brian’s lips. “How about when you said that as long as my cock and my ass are still in working order I’m good to go? And let’s not forget all of the comments you made about sponge baths. The list goes on and on. How do you do it? Why do you put up with all of my shit and still make me laugh about it?” Brian moved in to lay down next to Justin and pulled him against his chest. “I told you that I’d be there for you. Didn’t I? What do you want me to do? Run? Leave you to fall into the abyss all by yourself? Well fuck that. I told you that I loved you, and that I’d be there for you. Good, bad, or indifferent. Trust me, you have put up with enough of my shit, that this is like a walk in the fucking park.” “A dark, gloomy, and haunted park maybe,” Justin said with a smile as he buried himself further into Brian’s arms. Justin felt Brian move away slightly, and pull Justin’s face to his. “Never dark and gloomy. I can agree with haunted; we both have our own demons. But no matter what, we’ll be there for each other. I believe that. You should too.” Justin turned away and rested his head back against Brian’s shoulder. “I want to, Brian. I really do. I just see how I treat you, and I can’t believe that you’re still here. I mean why? Why do you stay when I treat you like shit?” “Why did you stay when I did the same to you? Why did you keep coming back to me when all I did that first year was treat you like shit?” Justin just sat there thinking about what Brian was asking. He knew why. He loved Brian – always had and always will. “When you love someone, you have to take the ups and downs, or else life would be boring. But Justin, you need to realize that most of your outbursts right now are not because you mean them, you just have no control right now over them. Things have been turned upside down for you, and your mind is trying to heal. It’s natural for you to feel out of place, out of sync. The smallest thing can set you off, and it’s nothing you can change. I understand that, and I have learned to just let it pass. You should too.” “I’m trying, Brian. It’s just so hard. I don’t know what I’m doing, or where I’m going. It’s confusing. I mean everything has changed for me. Everything. And I feel like I’m just waiting for things to get worse.” Justin placed Brian’s hand in his left hand, holding it tightly. “I don’t know where I am, who I am. I’m so confused.” Brian placed his head against Justin’s and lightly kissed his temple. “Things will get less confusing, Justin. Things will start to look up. It’ll just take time. But no matter how long it takes, I’ll be there. I can be just as stubborn as you are, you know. When Brian Kinney wants something he gets it.” Justin laughed. ‘He’s done it again. Fuck! How do I always walk into it without realizing it?’ Justin turned his face to look at Brian. “So sure of yourself are you?” “Sure of us.” Brian kissed Justin on the forehead, and looked into his eyes. “I love you.” “I know,” Justin said, as he leaned back against Brian. **************** It was time for Justin to leave the hospital. He had been there a month and a half, and finally he was going to be going home. Brian had moved in with him, and Justin was glad that he would have Brian there to help him. He still had trouble getting around, but it was getting better. He still had spells of depression, and he knew that it would be a long time before he would stop having them. Justin knew that with Brian around, things would get better. He would make it through this. As much as he knew he shouldn’t right now, he found himself falling in love with Brian all over again. The two would find themselves at night, when the hospital was quiet, just talking – something they didn’t do much in the past. As their friendship grew, Justin also felt the pull of love tugging at his heart. No matter what he felt for Brian, he knew that it would still take time before he felt worthy of that love. However, he knew that Brian was going to wait for him. He had seen the change in Brian, and it amazed him. Brian had told him that he hadn’t tricked in months – which shocked Justin. He had thought that tricking was one thing that Brian wouldn’t be able to give up, especially since they were not a couple. They had also been more communicative toward each other, telling each other if the other was doing something wrong, or something that had hurt the other. Justin knew that they still had a long way to go before they could truly be together. They still hadn’t talked about the night that Justin had left, both leaving it alone until they were stronger. There were so many things in their past that they needed to get out in the open and talk about, but Justin wasn’t ready to face the emotional pain that went along with those memories right now. Someday, he knew he would be, but that time was not now. Today however, none of that mattered. He was going home. He was going home to the place that he was going to be sharing with Brian. There would be no one here to tell them that they were doing something wrong, that they needed to do this or that differently. They only had each other, and that’s what was important. Justin knew that his friends here all loved Brian and stood by their relationship, or at least hoped that the relationship would blossom. Their mistakes of the past didn’t matter here, and Justin found it liberating. He knew that Brian had been feeling the same way. They could be together, with no outside interference. Justin knew that it wouldn’t take long for his defenses to break down, and allow himself to take what Brian was offering him. It wouldn’t take long at all. He looked up as the door opened revealing Brian, Kate, Kelly, and Marsha. He knew that Kevin and Mike had wanted to be there as well, but Justin knew that they had to work. “Well, are you ready to leave this place?” Kelly asked as she moved to sit down on the bed beside him. Justin looked up at her and smiled. “You'd better believe it. Trust me if I never see a hospital again, it’ll be too soon. Once I get out of here, I’m never coming back.” Kelly just shook her head. “Yeah, well too bad 'cause you still have to come here every other day so that they can check up on you. That and you still have therapy, so you don’t get off that lucky.” “Damn,” Justin whispered under his breath then looked up at her through his eyelashes. He was trying to give her one of his most innocent looks, but he could tell that it wasn’t going to work. “Fine, fine, fine. I give.” Brian pulled the wheelchair over to the side of the bed, as Kate grabbed his small duffle bag. “Now that we got that settled, and you’re checked out, can we please get the fuck out of here?” Brian stated. “Please,” Justin replied giving Brian his best puppy dog look. “Can I go home now?” Brian shook his head and helped Justin into the chair. “Well everyone, let’s blow this pop stand.” The four made their way through the halls of the hospital on their way to the awaiting car. Brian pushed Justin to the side of the car, and Justin immediately noticed that ‘his’ chair was already secured in the trunk. Shaking his head, he noticed where the car was parked, and turned to look up at Brian. “What?” “I see how it is now,” Justin began as he was helped into the passenger seat. “You only love me for the handicapped sticker that will allow you to park closer to where you want to go. You’re just being lazy.” Brian buckled Justin into the seat, then leaned over and kissed him on the lips. Justin pulled away slightly so that he could look into the other man’s eyes, daring him to say that he was wrong. Brian just smiled and kissed him again. “What can I say? I have to save my energy with dealing with you.” Justin noticed the tongue-in-cheek and lustful look that Brian was giving him, and he just shook his head. “It’s always about sex with you. Don’t you ever get bored?” Brian pulled back so that he could shut the door, stopping only briefly to add his final comment. “Bored with you? Never.” Justin just shook his head, and waved good-bye to his friends. He began to realize that life with this ‘new’ Brian would never be boring. **************** TBC