You’re the one who lights my fire You’re the one who keeps me strong You’re the one that I depend on When my world is goin’ wrong You’re the one that I hold closer You’re the man I’m dreaming of And I really, really love you I just want you to know that You are mine There’s no other one for me Keep in mind (Keep in mind) You make my life complete (Complete) And tonight We’ll make love endlessly 'Cause you’re mine You’re the one that I’ll keep for all time -- For All Time by Soluna Notes: Must read Part one : Pushing Me Away, and Part 2 : Cleaning Out My Closet in order to understand this fic. Summary of Previous Parts: Part 1: Brian and Daphne discuss Justin’s problem with PTSD, and try to come up with some plan to help him. Meanwhile, Justin breaks up with Ethan, and makes plans to leave Pittsburgh. Part 2: Justin runs into his father at his mom’s house, and learns what his father thinks of him. Brian and Daphne go in search of Justin after a frantic call from Jennifer. Once Brian finds Justin he takes him back to the loft, and Justin lets everything out into the open. The two make love, but when Brian wakes in the morning, Justin is gone. INTERLUDE #1: Brian: He’s gone. FUCK! I can’t believe that I honestly thought that he would stay. I should’ve known better. Justin always does what he says he’ll do. But why the fuck did he actually have to follow through with this fucking plan. Now he’s gone, and I have no clue where he’s at. And what the hell was that shit last night? When did Micky say that shit to Justin? Was it when they were spending all that time on the comic book, or was it another time? And if Justin saw Micky and I why did he listen to a word that he had to say? Fuck! Everything is so messed up. Deep down, I knew that Justin had something to do with Kip dropping the suit, but I didn’t really want to believe that either. Why would someone do that for me, when all I do is treat them like crap? And he never asked for anything in return. That’s what shocks the hell out of me, really. Normally when someone does something like that they expect something. But Justin never once let on that he had done that? Why? What did he want out of it? I know the answer to that one, if I really want to accept it is another question. It’s just like he had said. He loved me, and he didn’t want to see me hurt. I knew that working for Sap was a bad idea, but I didn’t think that the asshole would try and rape Justin. That was one thing that never crossed my mind. Drugs, sexual favors . . .yes, I thought of those. But rape? Fuck, and he didn’t tell me. He just told me that he had realized it was a bad idea, and that he had to know when to ask for help. But then again, these last couple of months, we never did talk. It was almost all physical. I should’ve seen this coming, but I didn’t. Or maybe I did but didn’t want to acknowledge it. Who knows. I do know that I can’t live in what if’s, or should’ve done this, or that. Nothing I think or feel right now will make a damn bit of difference. The end will still be the same. He’s hurting and he’s gone. And what the fuck is this about what his father said. I knew that he was an asshole, but Justin still wanted to hold out hope that his father would change. I tried to tell him, but he didn’t listen. Telling your own son that you wished him dead, that to you he was dead. Okay, so I had the same shit with my old man, but I never had the type of relationship with my father that Justin had with his. He had something that I never did, and I guess I couldn’t really understand. I reach for the stack of letters sitting on the counter, taunting me, and pull them closer. He has one for everyone. When did he write these? And how the hell didn’t I notice him not in bed with me last night. Normally, I can tell the moment he leaves my arms. I hate to think that I got so used to him not being here, that I just let him slip through my fingers yet again. I find the one addressed to me, and I slowly open it. Seeing Justin’s handwriting, causes a pang of guilt to crash through me. He didn’t think that he could even talk to me, he knew that I’d try to talk him out of it. Taking a deep breath I begin to read his final thoughts. God I hope it’s not the end. Please don’t let this be over. Dear Brian - I just wanted you to know that I am sorry for everything that I have put you through. I really am. I can’t take back anything that I’ve done, or said, or anything, and for the most part, I don’t want to. But if I could take back one thing it would be hurting you. I knew what you were like when we started down this road, and I knew that you wouldn’t change, but I still tried. In trying, I had almost destroyed you. I’m sorry if being with me ruined things for you, or made things harder for you, I never meant to hurt you. I hope you believe me on that. If I could take it back, make things right I would. I hope you know that it was never my intention to hurt you, and know that no matter what I do love you. I always will. Know that I'm fine. I have to do this. I hope you understand. I Just have no idea what is going on anymore, and I don't think I can continue in the state that I am. I have to see if I can make it on my own before I can even think about anything else. Please understand. I have been pretty messed up, as I’m sure you could tell by last night’s little drama. I don’t know what got into me. I never meant to take all that shit out on you, and frankly, I never wanted you to know half of that shit. But anyway, thank-you, for helping me out. I know that I can never repay you for all you have done for me over the past two years. Know that all I ever wanted, and maybe unfortunately still want, is you. That is why I did everything I did, it was because I thought that it was the only way to have you. I can say now, that it wasn’t me. I know that. The Tricking, hell everything, it wasn’t me. Somewhere along the line, I lost myself, and in turn I started to destroy you. I thought that I wanted what Ethan had to offer, and in a way I did, or do. But I realized that I don’t want that, unless it’s with you. I lied to myself, and more importantly to you. I wish I had never done it, but it’s done, and now it’s all over. I know now, that I didn’t love Ethan, I only thought I loved what he had to offer. I walked out with him that day, because I was angry at you. I was angry that I was told you wanted to see me, and when I found you . . . well we both know how I found you. It hurts me, it really does, and I --being a complete idiot—never once told you that. I just went along with whatever you wanted. Oh well, but that’s done. Like everything in my life right now, it’s over. As I’m sure you know, Michael and I are still not talking, and I don’t think that we can ever work together again. I don’t think that I could see him again, knowing the position I put him in. I feel bad for all of it, and I’m sorry that I did what I did. I wish things could have been different, that I was stronger, that we could’ve just talked about what we wanted, and worked things out. But I know that it’s entirely my fault. I was supposed to be the strong one; I was supposed to be the one who could open up for the both of us. That’s the way it’s always been. But I found out I’m not strong. Hobbs not only took away my innocence, he also took a lot more away from me. I didn’t realize it then, but I sure as hell do now. I wish I could go back and change things, but I can’t. I don’t have it in me anymore. I hope that you don’t think that what we had is like every relationship. Cause it’s not. At least I don’t think it is, but then again, I don’t think I’m the best person to decide that. I wish things were different, that I was different, but I’m not. I want more out of my life than what we had, and I know that it is not in you. I’m sorry for ever putting you through my little drama. Please understand that it wasn’t you. I was at fault in this relationship. I was the one who had tried to make you change. I was the one who came up with the stupid rules, all of which I broke. I was the one who couldn’t deal, not you. I wasn’t ready, I guess. Everyone was right when they said I was too young to understand. I didn’t think it was true then, but now I do. I just didn’t have it in me. Maybe before, but since the bashing, I don’t anymore. People say that things like that change a person. I didn’t think that I had changed that much. But now I know that I have. I have changed more so than I was willing to admit. I wanted to talk about it, with anyone, but as you know it didn’t work out that way. I don’t blame you for that, I can’t. I know that I wasn’t the only victim of the attack, and I know that you were hurt just as much – if not more – than me. I do know however, I have lost everything in the past couple of years, and I have amazed myself in that I haven’t lost it completely. You were the one who had always given me strength. I just wish I had been able to give some of it back. You wanted to make me the best queer that I could be. I just wish I had been able to give you that. Please don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine. I don’t want you to have to ever worry about me, or pay for anything for me again. I need to try and find my own way. I have to if I am ever going to survive. I’m leaving Pitts. Maybe getting away from here, I can find the young, innocent, and sometimes nieve twink that I was before. The one who would not take no for an answer. Maybe I can be myself again. If not for anyone but myself. I want you to be proud of me again, since I know I’ve lost any respect that you’ve had for me. I did it, not you. I know that right now you hate me, and I don’t blame you at all. I hate myself right now, so why shouldn’t anyone else. I’ve heard it all from everyone here. Deb, Emmett, Ted, Lindsey, Mel, Daphne, Michael. Everyone. My only wish or dream is . . . I just hope that someday in the future we can be friends. I know that we have never really been that to each other, but I hope that we can. Maybe one day, when we can get past the hurt I’ve caused you, and I’ve caused myself. I will always love you, Brian. That will never change. I’m sorry for all I’ve done and couldn’t do for you. Love Always Justin Taylor P.S. I was listening to one of Daphne’s CD’s the other day, and one of the songs rang so true on how I feel about you. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I still do love you. I think I always will. As I said, I can only hope that one day you’ll forgive me. I’ll Be Waiting by Soluna Can't you see You mean everything to me You're in my heart You've touched my soul You're all I'll ever need And it hurts so bad Not to have you by my side Nothing's right; I cry all night Just waiting for your call I'll be waiting for you till the sun don't shine I will wish on a star to make you mine I'll be dreaming all night that you're by my side I'll be waiting for you Said I'll be waiting for you till the end of time Can't you see that I need you in my life You're all that I want; I can't deny I'll be waiting for you Love is hard When the days can seem so far We were both inseparable And now we're torn apart I refuse to try again To love to someone new Cuz what we shared was heavenly Like a rose that's in full bloom You make me so happy I never thought I'd lose you You're love was and still is The only thing I run to Every minute of every hour You know I'll be waiting for you I set the letter down, running a hand over my face – feeling wetness on my cheeks and eyes. I never even noticed the tears. I need to get out of here, I can’t fucking breath. Everything reminds me of him. I need answers and I think I fucking deserve them. It’s time to get out and deliver the rest of these letters, and see just where it leads me. I can only hope that this nightmare will be over soon. *************** Daphne: I woke up this morning actually happy. Brian had found Justin last night, and I knew, or at least thought I knew, that Brian would get Justin to listen to stay. God, how wrong I was. I woke up and noticed the letter sitting on my night stand, and all I could do was stare at it. When I read it, god, I felt like my life was over. I can’t believe I thought things would be okay. Daphne – I wanted to let you know, that by the time you get this letter, I’ll be gone. I’m leaving. I know you didn’t really want me to go, and wanted to try and talk me out of it, and for that I’m grateful. You are the only friend I have right now, and I hate to leave you. But you know what I’m going through, Daph, and I hope you understand why I have to go. Everything has just gotten too much for me to handle anymore. Everyone there resents me, (well except for you, Emmett, Lindsey, mom, and Molly), and I have to try and find some peace. I’m glad that you know what I’m really going through. No one, not even mom, knows. PTSD. Wow, here I thought I was over it. But I know now that I’m not. Unfortunately, I hurt the one person in my life that I never wanted to hurt. Please watch out for Brian for me. I’ll call you everyday, (or at least every couple of days) and once I get somewhat settled, I hope that you’ll come and see me. I can’t stay here anymore, Daph. Please understand. You’re my best friend, and I love you Daph. Your friend, Justin As soon as I read his words, I cried. I felt so lost, that I couldn’t hold it in anymore. My best friend was gone to god knows where, and I was left to pick up the pieces. I picked up the phone and dialed Brian’s phone number. I hope he’s okay. I need to know what’s going on. Why did Justin leave? He picked up on the second ring. “Yea,” I heard him say. I can tell immediately that he knows. He sort of had a hopeful sound to his voice, like he was hoping it was Justin asking to come home. I hate to burst his bubble, but I can’t let him get his hopes up. Justin’s gone, and I don’t know what to do. “Brian, it’s Daphne.” “Oh, hey. I guess you know,” he stated. I nodded, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. “Yea, I just got my letter. What happened? I thought. . .I thought. . .” I couldn’t even continue. I can’t believe that I was so stupid as to think that things would be better after one night. God, I’m such an idiot. ”I know, I thought so too, but I guess he had other plans. Listen, can you do me a favor,” he asked. ”What?” I heard him sigh, like he’s trying to hold himself together. I feel this almost crippling need to go over there and hold him. Don’t ask me why, I mean he’s like 12 years older than me, but I feel like he needs it. I know I do. “If he calls you,” he begins, and it’s almost like it pains him to even ask. So I take pity on him. I know what he wants, and I can understand. “I’ll let you know. I’ll tell him that you want to talk to him. Can you do the same for me,” I ask hopefully. I don’t even want to think about Justin not calling me. I mean we’ve known each other for like ever. We’ve always been there for each other. Okay, so there was that time our senior year, but things did get better. We’re closer now than we ever were. At least that’s what I thought. I guess we were all wrong. “I’ll let you know,” I hear him say. “Don’t worry, we’ll find him. I’m not giving up on this yet. Trust me.” And I do. I believe that he will move heaven and earth to find Justin and try and help him. I never doubted that, and I know that I never will. No matter what I know that Brian loves Justin, he just needs Justin to realize it. “Look, I have some errands to run today, I’ll talk to you later tonight. Remember if you hear from him, call me on my cell immediately, I don’t care what time it is. Okay?” “Okay, I promise,” I say as I hang up the phone. All I can do now is sit by the phone and wait for the call. Please call Justin. I need you. Brian needs you. Don’t give up on us yet. ***************** Deb: I thought it was going to be a nice quiet day. The guys were here at the diner, having their normal breakfast. Who would’ve thought that our lives were about to change. Especially that it would be Brian Kinney who would turn our world upside down. So there I was standing my ‘boys’ table taking their order. Emmett and Ted are looking at each other, like they’ve never fucking seen each other before. Who would’ve ever thought that those two. . . Stranger things have happened, I guess. All I can say is good for them. They deserve to be happy. I was about to turn to take their orders back, when the bell above the door rang. I turned to see who it was, but somehow I didn’t see him until he was right on us. Damn, that boy can move like a fucking panther. I didn’t even see it coming. I smiled at him. How I missed the angry scowl on his face is beyond me, but somehow I did. I have known Brian Kinney for a long time . . . and unfortunately I feel that I know him pretty well. But dammed if I’ve ever seen him this angry before. Before I could ask him if he wanted anything he just threw something on the table, and began to turn. His parting words were “I hope you’re all fucking happy now,” and he was gone. I turn to look at Michael, wondering about the tornado that just stormed through here, and what the hell had gotten up Brian’s ass. “What the hell was that about,” I ask him. Michael only shrugs, as I notice Emmett pick up one of the items that Brian had thrown down up. I look closer and see that they’re letters. And I have seen enough of that handwriting to know that it belongs to our Sunshine. Of course my curiosity gets the better of me, as I reach for the letters. Low and behold there’s one addressed to Vic and myself. Now let me tell you, I have never felt the sense of dread that I felt at that moment. I mean the last time I saw Sunshine was two weeks ago. I just stare at the letter, and from Brian’s enterence I can only hope and pray that it’s not what I think that it is. Sunshine wouldn’t . . . would he? I look up to see Emmett crying, Michael looking like he just swallowed a forty-pound pig, Ben and Ted, just shaking their heads. I just clench the letter closer to my chest, then turn to get the boys’ their breakfast. I figure that what I had just seen, I didn’t want to read the letter now. It was addressed to Vic and I, and I’ll be damned if I don’t read it with him. For the rest of the day, the gang was silent. My shift too entirely too long. All I could think about was the letter that was still in my hand. For some reason, I just couldn’t let it go. I could only think that if I let this letter go, set it down, the Sunshine would truly be gone. I knew that he was gone. How, why, what – I didn’t know, but I could tell by the reactions of everyone that he was gone. I only hoped that he was still alive, and didn’t go and kill himself. He just didn’t seem like the type to me. I just couldn’t believe that he would do something like that. When I got home, I called for Vic to come downstairs and I hand him the letter. I just couldn’t read it. I had tried. . . believe you me, I had tried. It was just that every time I had began to open it, my hand refused to cooperate. “What’s this,” I heard him ask. “Hell if I know. All I know is that it’s from Sunshine, Brian came in and dumped them on us, like a bat out of hell, and it isn’t good news,” I tell him. Vic and I moved to the couch, and I watched as he opened the letter and began to read it out loud. Dear Vic and Debi – I wanted to thank the both of you first and foremost for everything that the two of you have done for me. I wish that there was some way I could repay you, but I don’t think that I would ever be able to. You allowed me into your home, and made me feel like a part of your family. Thank-you for that. I wish I could tell you that I’m sorry, and make you believe it. But I know that nothing I say or do right now makes a damn bit of difference. I let you all down. I know I did. I lied, cheated, and betrayed all of you. I am sorry. I hope you can understand that if I could go back and change things I would. I am sorry that I had hurt Brian, and all of you. I wish I knew what I was thinking at the time, but truthfully, I don’t. By the time you get this letter, I’ll be gone. Don’t worry about me, please. Know that I am fine, and that I just need time to try and come to terms with things that have happened in the past year. Don’t think that you are to blame for anything that I’ve done. Don’t think that you should’ve known, cause I didn’t even know until recently. I am sorry for any pain that I have caused you. Please forgive me. I’ll be fine, and I will try and keep in touch so that you don’t worry about me. I hope that one day, you can all forgive me for the pain that I have caused you. I am sorry. Thank-you for everything. I am eternally grateful. It is because of the two of you that I know that I need help in order to come to terms with everything. You two have shown me what having strength really is. Please take care of yourselves. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened to either one of you. I love you both, you are my family. Thank-you, Justin aka. “Sunshine” “What,” I cry out. What is he thinking? He didn’t do anything wrong. I just grab the letter out of Vic’s hand, and stare at it, wishing that it didn’t mean what it had said. I sit there just staring at this piece of paper, waiting for my Sunshine to come through the door and tell us that this was a joke. Come on, Sunshine. Come through that door. ***************** Emmett: There I was, just sitting there thinking that this is the best day in my life. I mean I have Teddy, my friends, my health . . . everything was wonderful. At least that was until Brian came storming into the diner. I knew before he even threw the letters at us and stormed right back out, that my baby was gone. Justin and I had talked a lot these past couple of months, heck these past couple of weeks when Daphne wasn’t around. I knew he was having a hard time, and that he still loved Brian very deeply, but I didn’t think that it would be something like this. I pulled the top letter, which was addressed to me, and opened it. I can say that honestly, I never knew that I could cry so hard. At least I hadn’t since he was hurt last year, or of course when Georgie died. Emmett: I want to thank-you most of all, out of everyone (besides Lindsey and Melanie) you have a friend to me and I am grateful for everything that you have done for you. I will never forget all of the times we spent together, just hanging out, talking about the latest fashion, or guys. You have always been there for me, and you have always shown me love. I just wish that I hadn’t disappointed all of you. I know you say that you understand what I did, but I don’t know how. I don’t even know why I did it. Em, I have been having problems lately, and I haven’t told anyone about them. Well except Daphne, but she figured it out. I’m sorry I wasn’t up front with you, since you have always been there for me. I am suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome from the bashing last year. I didn’t even know, until recently. That’s why I haven’t been myself this past year (just like you had mentioned on numerous occasions.) I wanted to let you know, however, that I am happy for you, Em. You and Ted are perfect for each other, and I wish you all the best. One of us deserves to be happy, and I’m glad that you were able to move on after George. I can only hope that I am able to do the same. I don’t want you to worry about me, okay? I know that’s a hard thing to ask you, since I know you will. But I will be okay. I just need to get my head together. I look back on what I was like before the bashing, and I can’t help but wonder where that young man went to. I hope you understand why I’m doing this. I need the time to find myself again. It’s like the time that you ‘found the light’. Okay, don’t hit me. ;-) Know that I WILL be in touch. Wherever I end up, I have to show you the sites, and you can point out all the good looking guys to me. Just like the old days. I love you, Emmett. I am grateful that you are my friend. This changes nothing. You are and will always be my friend. Thank-you for being there for me. Your friend forever, Justin P.S. Please take care of Brian for me. I do love him, and I don’t want him to suffer anymore. So here I was reading the letter in front of me, with tears streaming down my face, and all I could think of was why didn’t I see it coming? What kind of friend was I to not see this? He said he would be in touch with me, and I pray to god he will. I have always love my little baby, and I can’t see my life, any of our lives without him in it. I know that the others have given him the evil eye, or just shut him out, but not me hun. I would never do that to him. I know that Brian and Justin belong together, and that they both love each other very much. I just wish that the others could see how much the break-up had hurt him. And it did, I saw it. I know deep down that whenever he calls, I will be on the first plane or whatever to go and see him. He needs to know that I’m there for him. That I love him. I just wish that he already knew that. I just wish that he didn’t feel like he did not belong here. I wish I could just take away all of his pain, and tell him everything will be alright. I can only hope he finds what he’s looking for. But even if he doesn’t, I’ll make sure he knows that I’m there for him. No matter what. ***************** Ted: When Brian left, I looked over at Emmett. He had grabbed the letter at the top of the stack and began to cry. I wanted nothing more than to take him in my arms, and stop the tears, but I saw a letter sitting there with my name on it. Of course it had Ben’s name on it as well, but I guess that’s sort of understandable. I mean I wasn’t as close to Justin as say Emmett, or hell even Michael. I grab the letter and begin to read. I mean what would Justin have to say to me? It’s not like we were best of buddies. Ted and Ben: I guess, I just wanted the two of you to know that I’m sorry. I’m sorry for a great deal, but I am sorry that I didn’t get to know the two of you better. Yeah, we hung out, and had a lot of wonderful times, but that was about it. I now wish that I knew more. That we had more time. I hope you understand that I feel terrible for all the pain that I have caused everyone. I wish I could change what I did, or didn’t do, but I can’t. Please take care of yourselves. I would never be able to forgive myself if something happened to either one of you. Ted – I wish you the best in your business. You are a very smart man, with a big heart. Take care of Emmett for me. He has been a wonderful friend to me, and I know that my departure will hurt him. The two of you are great for each other. I wish you many, many happy years together. Take care of yourselves. Justin I can say that I’m honestly shocked at what I’m reading. I never thought that Justin would feel like this. And here I was a total jackass to him these past couple of weeks. Hell we all were. Boy do I feel like a real ass. I’ll do what Justin asked. Mainly because I always knew that he had been close to Emmett. I’ll take care of Emmett, and maybe when Justin comes back, we can try and be better friends to each other. ***************** Ben: When Ted finished the letter addressed to the two of us, I take it in my hand. I wish that I had more time to get to know Justin better, but I also know that it wasn’t the time. He was trying to figure out his relationship with Brian, while I was trying to figure out my relationship with Michael. But we both knew what it is like. It’s not easy to come in the middle of a friendship like what this small group of men and woman had. They were a family, and they are real choosey who they allow into their circle. I’m grateful that they had allowed me to be a part of their family, but now I’m saddened by the loss of one of our members. I pulled open the letter and read what Justin had to say. All the while wishing him the best in whatever venture he decides to take part in. Ben – I wish that we had more time to get to know each other. I know what it’s like to feel like the odd man out. Trying to come into this little group isn’t always easy, and I hope that we had made you feel welcome. You are good for Michael. I’m glad that he found you. Please take care of yourself. I would like to get to know you better, and be friends with you. Please allow me that opportunity. Take care of Michael. I know that what he did was because he cared for Brian. I understand. I have a lot of regrets, but I can honestly say that what I’ve done to Michael, is in the top five. I hope you have a long and happy life, Ben. You deserve it. That was always one thing that I admired about Justin. Despite all that he had been through these past two years, he had always tried to put others before himself. He always had a strong character, and knew what he wanted. I can only hope he finds the peace he deserves, and he longs for. Maybe I’ll find out where he’s at, and we can talk. I want to help him, I think I can. All I have to do is wait. Wait, and be there for the rest of the family as they begin to allow this loss to sink in. I don’t think that anyone would’ve thought that one person would have such an impact on their lives. But anyone, even an outsider like myself, can see it. Justin helped hold this family together. I can only hope that everyone survives long enough for all of us to find each other again. I hope that this family can survive. All I can do, is be there for them, and help them through it. Especially Michael and Brian. ***************** Michael: It had been a great couple of weeks, just like the old days. Brian and I were closer friends than ever. At least that’s what I wanted to believe. I knew he was hurting from what Justin had done to him, but I also knew deep down that I was at least in part to blame for the whole thing. Don’t get me wrong, Justin was wrong to do what he did to Brian, but maybe I should’ve butted out, and let them handle it. But I couldn’t. Not when it was Brian. I hadn’t seen Justin since the night of the Rage party, and I was beginning to wonder what was going to happen. Despite what I feel about Justin right now, which frankly is nothing, I still need his help. I never would’ve gotten this far without him. I know that. We made a great team. I guess that’s why I was surprised when Brian came storming in, threw something at us, and told us that he hoped we were all happy. I didn’t know what he meant until I took a closer look at the table. I immediately recognized Justin’s writing. I picked up the letter addressed to me, wondering what he had to say to me. What could he say to make things better? What do I feel about this whole mess? I don’t know much of anything anymore when it comes to Justin or to Brian to tell you the truth. Despite the fact that Brian and I hang out a lot more lately, he still won’t talk to me like he used to. I just don’t know what to do right now, so I can only hope that this letter will answer some of the questions I have. Why? Michael: I know that you more than likely don’t ever want to hear from me again, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand. I know why you did what you did, I only wish that I had the chance to talk to Brian first. I wish that you had told me, and we could’ve talked about it, but I know that it is all false hope. I can say that I am grateful for your friendship these past couple of months, I never thought that it would happen. I am glad that you are there to watch out for Brian. I hope he realizes what a good friend you are. I know that you most likely never want to work with me on the comic book again, and I can understand. I don’t know if I can ever do that again. So I am including a list of artists I know from PIFA who I think would be able to do the comic justice. I was thrilled when we came up with the idea, and I loved working on it with you. I had a lot of fun. But like almost everything else in my life . . . it has come to an end. I wish you the best in it. If you need any input you can contact my mom or Daphne. I’ll help out wherever I can, if you want it. I’m sorry for ever hurting Brian, and putting you in the position I did. I don’t blame you for anything. It was all my fault. Keep an eye out for Brian, which I know you will. Best of luck on Rage. Forgive me, Justin I can’t believe it. He’s worried about how I feel, and wanting me to continue the comic book without him? He wants me to watch out for Brian? I thought that he would tell me to fuck off, or something like that. Definitely not what I just read. And the fact that he is still willing to help me with the comic, comes as a serious shock to me. All I could think of these past couple of weeks was that Justin was an arrogant, little fuck, who didn’t deserve to have Brian's love or my friendship. But now, I see that he is blaming himself for everything. A part of me wants to agree, but I also know that I am partly at fault as well. I have to find Brian. Find out what’s going on, and what I can do. Please, let everything be alright. ***************** Lindsey: When Brian came to the door, I immediately knew that something was wrong. He looked awful. His eyes no longer held the spark that they used to. I quickly pull him in the house, and set him down in the living room. “Brian what’s wrong,” I ask, hoping to get some answer out of him. He looked like he was ready to pass out, to give up. I had to know what was hurting him so much. I had to help. Thankfully, Mel came in and handed him a cup of coffee, then sat down next to me. I think that what Brian has to say will crush me. I mean what chance do I have if Brian is like this? Of course I didn’t expect the answer I got from him. He told me all about Justin suffering from PTSD, to his planning on leaving. He told us about what Craig Taylor had said to Justin, to him waking up this morning and finding Justin gone. He had really hoped that he could talk Justin into staying, but from what I’ve just heard, I almost couldn’t blame Justin. I had seen how the others treated him of late, and it had pained me to see Justin suffering. I didn’t understand how they could be so cold to him. Now everything was falling into place. All of the strange things that Justin had done, or said this past year, all make sense now. And I find myself getting angry. Angry at all of us for not seeing it, for not helping Justin out. Instead we all just ignored the problem, hoping that it would just go away. But it didn’t, and I can see that all we did was make things worse. Not only worse for Justin, but for Brian as well. He really does love Justin, he just doesn’t know how to show it. Brian reached into his pocket and handed Mel and I a small letter. I watched as Mel opened the letter and began to read it out loud. As Mel read what Justin had to say, I made sure that I kept a close eye on Brian. I didn’t want to lose him too. Lindsey and Melanie: I want to thank you both for allowing me to be a part of your family, and allowing me to be a part of Gus' life. I will never be able to pay you back for all that you have given me over the past couple of years. You have stood by me, and helped me through some tough times. I will be forever grateful for all of the wonderful things that you have done for me, and for the way that you have stuck up for me. I hope the two of you do not blame yourself for any of this. I know that the two of you introduced me to Ethan, but know that all of this is my fault not yours. I don’t want you to think otherwise. But as you know, lately, things have been hard on all of us. I am to blame, I know. I am sorry if what I did caused you pain. I only did what at the time I thought was right. I know that you hate me right now, and I don’t blame you, I hate myself for the pain I have cause Brian, and you. But please know, it was never my intention. I am sorry for all of the pain I caused you. I am leaving Pittsburg. I have realized that I have been having a lot of problems this past year, problems that I have never resolved. I didn’t realize that I still hadn’t gotten over what happened a year ago, and I know now, that I have to. Because of my inability to cope with it, I have pushed you all away, and I have hurt Brian the most. I am sorry. Please understand that I never meant to hurt anyone. I hope that someday, we can be friends again, but I know that it will take time. I’m willing to give you the time to heal, for I know I have to do the same. I will be in touch. Please don’t let Gus think that I’m an awful person. I love him with all my heart, and I will miss him everyday. I love you both as well, and I hope to see you again soon I’m sorry. Justin P.S. Please watch out for Brian for me. I have caused him a lot of pain, and I couldn’t stand it if he suffered anymore because of me. I began to cry. Not only from the words of pain that Justin had placed in the letter, but the pain in Brian’s eyes. “Oh Brian,” I began through my tears. Brian just held his hand up to me, halting anything that I might have said. “Don’t okay. I heard it all before.” “I just don’t understand why he thinks that this is his entire fault,” I stress. It was unbelievable. I mean here we were, thinking that we should’ve seen something, we should’ve done something, and Justin is the one apologizing to us. I had always known he was a wonderful young man, but from someone to do what he did. . . He knew that Brian and all of us would blame ourselves. He knew that and he wanted us all guilt free. He didn’t want us to feel guilty for doing what we should’ve done. Brian just shrugged his shoulders, and pinching the bridge of his nose. “He’s in a great deal of pain right now, and all I know is that I have to find him, Lindz. I have to,” he said. I could hear the pain in his voice. Brian was scared. He had never felt this way about anyone, or least that’s what he always tried to convince me of. And now he had realized what Justin meant to him, and Justin was gone. I swore to myself that I would do whatever I could to try and help him. I owe him that much, I owe Justin that much. Those two belong together, I can only hope that we find Justin before it’s too late for the both of them. ***************** Mel: I sit here listening to Brian and Lindsey talk, and I just can’t believe what I’ve read and heard. I never thought that Justin would be going through this. I feel so guilty at what we have done. I mean, I don’t really give a damn about Brian, cause I still think he’s a selfish prick, but I’m not blind either. I know that he loved Justin, and if I want to be honest, I can tell he still loves Justin. Just like I know deep down that he loves Gus. I may not always agree with Brian on things, okay, so I don’t agree with him on almost anything, but he’s right about this. We should’ve seen it coming. We should’ve been there to help. Justin had become such a large part of Lindsey’s and my life. He helped out with Gus, more times than I can count. Hell, he even helped us move that damn mattress upstairs. He’s been like a younger brother to the both of us, and I know he was part of the reason that Brian had given up his parental rights to me. But Justin would never say as much, he wanted everyone to see what he sees in Brian. No matter how many times I told him that it would never happen, he still tried. When Brian turned to leave, Lindsey made sure to let him know that we were there for him, and that we’d help him out anyway that we could. I know that I’ll help Brian out . . . and not because it’s Brian, but I’ll do it for Justin. No mater how much I may think that Justin deserves better than Brian, I do know that they love each other. They both will be unhappy with anyone else, and Justin deserves a little happiness after the shit he’s been through. So for Justin, I’m going to do whatever I have to do to help Brian find him. For Justin and for Gus’, cause everyone knows that I don’t give a damn about Brian. At least that’s what I want to believe. ***************** Jennifer: Dear Mom – I know that you are worried about me, but don’t. I’m fine. I am leaving Pittsburg, and going to try and start over in another city. Don’t worry about me, please. I’ll be fine. I have to do this, mom. Too much has happened these past couple of years, and I need some time away. Don’t blame yourself for what dad did. He was only telling me what in my mind, I already knew. I don’t blame you for anything that happened last night. I love you and Molly, and I don’t want to cause the two of you any more pain than I already have. I’ll keep in touch, and I will let you know where I am, and how I am. I love you. Take care of yourself and Molly. Know that I will miss you, and will think of you every day, but this is something that I have to do for myself. I’ll call as soon as I get to where I’m going. Tell dad, that I understand. Love you always, Your son, Justin I just sit there and cry. My son is gone, and it’s all my fault. I should’ve stopped Craig from attacking Justin. I knew he didn’t look well, I knew that he wasn’t well since his break-up with Brian. But I allowed it to happen. I can only hope that he’s safe. Please God, keep my son safe. Then after I prayed for my son, I did something that I never thought I would do. I also prayed for Brian. Despite all of his faults, despite that I think he’s wrong for my son, despite everything, I know that he loves Justin. If anyone can bring my son home, it will be him. I only hope that Justin accepts the help. I can only hope that Justin isn’t too far gone, to realize that we are here for him. All he has to do is call, and I’ll make sure he knows that he’s loved, and that I’m here when he’s ready to come home. I’ll tell him I love him. ***************** Brian: I got back to the loft, and just stood at the door. For some reason, I just can’t make my legs move any further inside. I know that Justin’s not here, and more likely he may never be here again. Why did he have to leave? Why did he have to open up so much to me, and not give me the chance to let him know how I felt, what I felt? I know I have no right to be angry at him for robbing me of the opportunity, but I can’t help it. I can only hope that I will get the chance to someday. I have to tell him, what I’ve realized. He has to know what I feel about him, what I’ve always felt about him. I have to let him know that I made a mistake. I lied. I do love him, I can -- given the chance -- give him what he wants. I just need him here to help me. I can’t do it alone. I can’t believe that I was so calm at the diner. Seeing all of them -- all of the people who had let Justin down, who had turned their back on him – I amazed myself at my control. All I wanted to do was rip into them, yell, scream, punch something or someone. How dare they treat Justin like that, and say that it was all for me. How dare they try and use me as an excuse to shut Justin out. Justin had earned his place among us, and I’ll be dammed if I allow them to shit on him. He’s been through too much to have them turn on him too. Slowly, I take off my jacket, and make my way toward the shower. I feel sick, dirty, and all around like shit. I desperately need a drink, but first I need to feel clean. I can only hope that I can survive long enough to find him. And I will find him. There’s no doubt in my mind. I have failed him enough, but I can’t fail him in this. I need him. There’s nothing nor no one who can stop me from my goal. I also know that one of these days, Craig Taylor is going to have a nice little meeting with me. I don’t know when yet, but I’m smart enough to know that if I see that asshole now, I’ll do Justin no good ‘cause I’ll be in jail for murder. I want to fucking kill him, rip his fucking heart right out of his chest. But I have to wait. When Craig Taylor least expects it, I’ll be there. He thinks he is good at sneaking up on me, and attacking me from behind. Well that I could deal with, but what he did to Justin. . . that was the last straw. Craig Taylor will feel the pain that Justin is, only on a much larger scale. I’ll see to that. Of course, I also know that I’m going to have to talk to the others. I need to know what in the hell they were thinking. But once again, I am smart enough to know that right now, I am not in the right frame of mind to be objective, and I need to be. I need to hear them out, hear their side of things. So maybe I won’t isolate myself from everyone that has ever meant anything to me. No matter what I need them. I’m not ready to give it up fully. But dammed if they don’t have a lot to explain, a lot to make up for. And I’m not going to make it easy on them. I step into the shower, and turn it as hot as I can stand it. Hopefully, I can bring some warmth back into my skin. Since I woke up and found Justin gone, I haven’t been able to feel much of anything. Justin told me last night that he felt numb . . . well I think he left it sitting in the loft, cause that’s exactly what I feel right now. I don’t feel anything. I feel cold. I don’t know how long I stood there, but I remember feeling the water begin to chill. As I turned off the shower, I heard the sound of the phone ringing. Thinking that it’s Michael, or one of the others, I just let the machine get it as I dry myself off. Then I froze. “Um. . . Brian. . . It’s me, Justin. . . I know that you probably don’t want to hear from me, but. . .” I hear comeing from the machine, and I immediately rush over. “Justin,” I cry out into the phone. “Brian, I didn’t think you were home, I was just going to leave a message,” I heard him say. He sounded even more depressed than he did last night. At least this time he wasn’t yelling as well. Frankly, I think I’d rather have the yelling. “It’s okay. Where are you Justin?” “I’m okay.” I have to laugh slightly. He’s trying to avoid the entire question, but this time, I won’t let him. “Where are you? Please Justin, just tell me where you are. I need to see you, I need to talk to you,” I beg. Okay, so now I’m begging. The one thing I never thought I would do. I can’t believe that I’ve resorted to this. But I’ll do anything just to see that he’s alright. I have to see for myself. “I’m okay. Look, Bri., I’m just not ready to see anyone right now, okay. Please understand. Please say you understand,” he begged. I feel my heart clench in my chest at his pleading voice. He had the same voice last night, when he asked me make love to him. I can’t stand to hear that tone come from his lips. “I understand,” I tell him, despite the fact that I don’t. I don’t care if he doesn’t want to see me, I need to see him. I have to. “Will you at least let me know soon,” I ask. Silently begging him to say yes. ”I promise. Just give me some time okay. Anyway, I just called to let you know that I’m okay, and to thank-you for last night. I’m sorry for dumping all of that on you, but I didn’t know what I was doing,” he said to me. The entire time he’s talking I trying to listen in on the background noices, hoping to get some clue as to where he is. “Listen, Justin. Promise me you’ll call me if you need anything. Call me no matter what it is, no matter what time of day it is, okay? Promise me,” I know that he hates to have to rely on me for everything, and that if he can help it, he won’t ask. So I decide I’ll play one last card to get him to stay in touch with me. I have to know he’s alright, that he’ll be taken care of. “I won’t be able to concentrate on anything, to do anything if I am worried that you’re off somewhere, god knows where, hurt or something. Promise me, Justin. I don’t think I can stand to know you’re hurt somewhere, or need help. Promise?” “I promise. Thanks, Brian. For everything. I’ll keep in touch. I love you,” he said as he hung up the phone. For the longest time I just stood there with the phone cradled in my hand. “I love you too, Justin.” ******************* You’ve been the first in my life Who has ever made me feel this way And I will not deny I’m gonna need you right here by my side {Baby, I can’t wait} Come right over here and let me lead the way {Let me take your breath away} By holdin’ you, kissin’ you, lovin’ you, touchin’ you {Never will be too late} To see myself through your eyes {Baby, I can’t wait} Until the day I hear you say You are mine There’s no other one for me Keep in mind You make my life complete And tonight We’ll make love endlessly ‘Cause you’re mine You’re the one that I’ll keep for all time Now that you’re here, boy I’m never gonna let you go Can I touch you there, oh Do you mind if we kiss real slow You’re my everything {Everything} You’re my hopes and dreams {Hopes and dreams} Baby, you know it ain’t no lie I’m gonna be with you till the day that I die {Baby, I can’t wait} Come right over here and let me lead the way {Let me take your breath away} By holdin’ you, kissin’ you, lovin’ you, touchin’ you {Never will be too late} To see myself through your eyes {Baby, I can’t wait} No, no Till the day I hear you say You are mine There’s no other one for me Keep in mind (Keep in mind) You make my life complete And tonight We’ll make love endlessly ‘Cause you’re mine You’re the one that I’ll keep for all time You’re the one who lights my fire You’re the one who keeps me strong You’re the one that I depend on When my world is goin’ wrong You’re the one that I hold closer You’re the man I’m dreaming of And I really, really love you I just want you to know that You are mine There’s no other one for me Keep in mind (Keep in mind) You make my life complete (Complete) And tonight We’ll make love endlessly ‘Cause you’re mine You’re the one that I’ll keep for all time I can’t wait till the day When I’ll hear you say You’re the one that I need You’re the one that I’ll keep for all time For All Time by Soluna