Part 2 of For All Time By: Acacia I’m Sorry Momma I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry But tonight I’m cleaning out my closet -- Cleaning out my Closet by Eminem Notes: Must read Part one : Pushing Me Away Review of Part One: “Brian, I know I fucked up. I know that you think that sorry is bullshit, but I hope you know that if I could do it all over again I wouldn’t. I lo. .” Brian turned to face Justin with anger in his eyes. “Don’t you even. Listen it’s over, live with it, Justin. I am. In fact, I’ll be much happier without you in my life. So why don’t you get your shit, and get the FUCK OUT!” ------------ “For the past three weeks, I’ve had to sit there and watch him get father and father away from everyone. So I decided to do a little research. You know what I found?” . . .“Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, you idiot. You know what I found out? Justin has been suffering from it for months, and none of us even noticed,” she stated sounding to Brian as if she was regretful. “What can I do,” Brian asked. He knew that he had to do something. Daphne was right, Ethan couldn’t help Justin in this. ------------ “I’m leaving. I need to get away for a while. I need to try and start fresh. Maybe if I go someplace where they don’t know me, maybe I can figure out what I’m going to do now. I feel so lost, Daph. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I just need some time to get myself together. Please understand. Please,” he begged. ------------ “Brian, we have a problem,” she stated. Holding the phone in her hand, Daphne just stared at it. “I hope you understand that I’m only doing this to help you, Justin. I can’t lose you now. I’m sorry.” **************** Part 2 Justin walked up to his mother’s condo, and just stood there looking at the door. Although he knew what he needed to do, he was unsure how to explain it to his mother. ‘How do I tell her that I need to get away? She’ll ask questions that I’m not sure I can handle right now, and when she asks. . . what do I tell her? Hey mom, I think I’m having a mental breakdown, but don’t worry, I just need to leave here for a while so that I can NOT kill myself,’ Justin thought with a slight smile. ‘Yea, that would go over well. If she doesn’t lock me up in some looney bin, or worse yet, in my room here for the rest of my life, I think I’ll be pretty well off.’ Justin took a deep breath, praying that things would go smoothly. ‘Why am I here? No, don’t think about it, Justin. Just knock on the door, and ask her. You’re nineteen years old; you’re not some little faggot who can’t do this. She’s only your mother, not the wicked witch. So what are you afraid of?’ Realizing that standing outside his mother’s house would get nothing accomplished. Justin lifted his hand and knocked on the door. ‘You made your choice,’ he thought to himself, hearing Brian’s words come back to him. ‘Now be a man, and live with it.’ Gathering up his courage, Justin stood and waited for his mother to open the door. “Justin,” his mother answered as she opened the door. “What are you doing here? Not that I’m not happy to see you, but its kind of late isn’t it?” Justin gave his mother a small smile, and shrugged. ‘Something’s not right here, but I don’t know what it is.’ “Can we talk,” he asked feeling his insides tighten. Remembering the last time that he had used those words, Justin could only hope that this time things would work out better. ‘I made a mistake with Brian. I won’t make one with mom.’ Justin took note that his mother stepped out onto the porch with him, and shut the door. “What do you want to talk about, sweetheart?” Justin stood and leaned against the post by the steps, and looked at his mother. She looked tired, and a little nervous. Justin began to get worried about what was going on, as he felt a sense of dread begin to build deep within. ‘What else can go wrong,’ he thought. He wasn’t sure how much more he could take, but this was his mother, and he would try and help her if he could. “Is everything okay, mom?” Jennifer just smiled slightly, and shook her head. “I should know not to try and hide anything from you,” she stated. Justin continued to feel the cold dread grow, as he took another deep breath hoping to stop his heart from pounding out of his chest. ‘Great now I’m going to have a panic attack,’ he thought. ‘I haven’t had one of those in months, why not now.’ “Daddy’s here,” she explained. ‘Fuck!’ Justin closed his eyes, knowing why he was feeling off. Somehow he knew that things weren’t going to go his way. It seemed to him that everything that he had tried, everything in his life, just was going wrong all at the same time. ‘All the more reason why I have to get away from this place.’ Justin didn’t look up at his mom, only nodded in understanding. “I can come back later,” he began as he started to turn around and leave. “Justin,” he heard as he felt her hand on his arm. “You came here for a reason, and I know something is wrong. Tell me. Don’t let your father push you away.” Justin looked out at the dark sky, hoping that somewhere he would see something that could give him some hope. But like his life, the sky was dark, cold, and unwelcoming. ‘Where did the light go,’ he wondered. Shaking those thoughts from his mind, he turned to his mother. ‘It’s now or never.’ He opened his mouth to ask her, when he saw his father standing on the steps leading into the house. Despite the distance between them, Justin could almost see the hate in his father’s eyes, the disappointment. Justin could swear that his father’s eyes looked blood red, and he could feel the disgust stabbing him in the gut. ‘It’s only the light playing tricks on me,’ he chanted. ‘It’s only the light . . . God why is this happening? Why does he hate me so?’ Gathering what little strength he didn’t have, Justin stood tall and looked at his father. “Dad,” he said grateful that his voice sounded strong. ‘God knows I don’t feel it.’ Justin saw his father turn his glaze away from him and to his mother. “What the fuck is he doing here? I thought I told you, Jenn, that I didn’t want him around my daughter.” Justin felt his chest tighten and his breathing stop. ‘I can’t breath,’ he thought with dread as his father’s words hit him. Justin didn’t notice his mother stand in front of him and turn toward his father. “Craig! Justin has every right to be here. He’s your son! And Molly’s his sister. I told you that before, and I’m sticking to it. You can’t stop Justin from seeing me or his sister.” “I can do anything I damn well want, Jenn. We have Joint Custody, and I will not let him bring his . . . lifestyle around MY daughter!” Justin felt the hate that his father had toward him and his ‘lifestyle’ electrifying the air around them -- filling him with a sense of dread. Closing his eyes, trying to calm himself enough to talk to his father, images began to creep up in his mind. Brian yelling. The bat. The hate in Hobb’s eyes. The pain. ‘No, no, no, no, no,’ he screamed in his mind. “NO!” At his outburst, he noticed his mother and father looking at him. He felt his mother’s hand once again on his arm, and Justin quickly moved away from it as if it had burned him. “Justin,” she quietly asked him. Justin moved over to his father, and looked him straight in the eye. He had to know. He just had to. “Did I deserve it, dad,” he asked looking into his father’s eyes. He could always tell by looking in Brian’s eyes what other man was thinking, he only hoped he could see past his father’s hate and see some spark of hope, some spark of love. Anything to let him know that his father still cared, that he hadn’t been holding out hope for nothing. “Justin, please don’t,” he heard his mother quietly beg him. “No, mom. I have to know,” he stated. “Did I deserve it?” Justin saw his father look away from him. Grabbing his father’s chin in his hand he forced his father to look him in the eye. “The truth, dad. I think I deserve to know.” “I’m sorry you got hurt, Justin,” his father began. Justin felt a little weight begin to lift off of his shoulders. ‘He really cares. I knew it.’ But as soon as those thoughts crossed his mind he saw something in his father’s eyes, which sent chills through his body. “But, truthfully, Justin, I wish that it would’ve put you out of our lives forever.” “Craig!” “No, he needs to hear this, Jenn. He wanted to know; well he’ll hear what I have to say.” Justin couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He heard his mother’s yell and his father’s words as though it was trying to reach him through a thick fog. Justin tried to clear his mind enough to make out what his parents were saying, but he felt as if every word that was being said was pushing him farther and farther into the abyss. “Dad?” “You’re mother has disgraced herself, hanging out with a group of gay-lovers, marching in parades, embarrassing all of us. You go around like everything is alright. That it’s right for you to be what you are. To . . . to do what you do. I will not let your sister be subjected to that any longer.” Justin saw his father look between him and his mother. “None of this would’ve happened if you were no longer here. You left our home; you left this family, Justin. You should’ve stayed away. As for being my son . . . my son died the day that he walked out of MY home with that . . . that monster.” Justin tried to get some air in his lungs, he couldn’t breath. How could his father say these things? Craig looked directly at him, and Justin felt his world come to a complete halt. “I have no son. Chris Hobbs would’ve done us all a favor if he had just finished the job.” Justin stood there letting what his father had told him get past the fog that had surrounded him when this whole nightmare started. He couldn’t take it anymore, he had to get away. So Justin just turned and ran, avoiding his mother. His father hated him, had hoped that Hobbs had killed him. As Justin ran, he felt everything around him melt away. The cold night air ceased to touch him, the darkness of the night turned darker. He felt nothing, he could not, would not allow anything to touch him again. He was numb. He felt as dead as his father had said he was. ******************* Brian sat on the couch at Daphne’s apartment, listening quietly as she explained what was going on. When she had called him, and told him that there was a problem, Brian immediately got into his car and headed over. He had learned a lot today about Justin’s state of mind, and what was going on with the young man. He couldn’t deny that he didn’t have feelings for Justin, that he loved Justin, 'cause he did with all that he was. Without Justin in his life, Brian felt incomplete. Now hearing that Justin was not only suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, but that the young man was also planning on leaving Pittsburgh, Brian knew that he had to do something. He knew that no matter what happened with their relationship, or non-relationship, he didn’t want to be without Justin in his life in some way. He needed Justin’s presence around him to keep him planted on the ground, to keep him sane. “Anyway, he told me he and Ethan are over, then just told me that he’s leaving,” Brian heard her explain as he watched her pace back and forth across the small living room. Brian pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to stop the headache that was forming behind his eyes. “What exactly did he say,” he asked. He felt like he was pulling teeth trying to get answers out of the young teen. He saw her continue to pace, and Brian was having a hard time trying to not lose his temper with the young woman. “Will you sit the fuck down, and tell me what he said!” Brain saw Daphne move to sit down in the chair across from him, and saw her playing with a ring on her finger. ‘What the fuck is it with these two and not getting to the fucking point,’ he thought. Of course he knew, deep down, that he was no better than they were. He wasn’t one to share his feelings, thoughts, or hell anything with people. He had learned that lesson well when he was growing up. ‘Maybe if I had just said something to Justin, just talked to him once in a while, we wouldn’t be here now,’ he realized. ‘Fuck! When did this become MY fault? I’m not entirely at fault for this. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s Hobbs,’ he rationalized. But deep down, Brian knew he couldn’t even blame it all on that asshole Hobbs. He was at least partly to blame for the current situation. Brian Kinney did what he did best when things got too much – he ignored the problem. Brian had shut down, and tried to test the waters. ‘I knew that Justin loved me, I guess . . . maybe I just knew it wouldn’t last.’ His mother told him she loved him when he was young, his father may have said it once or twice too, but he couldn’t remember. Mickey, Deb, Lindsey, his gym teacher, Mark. . . ‘No I can’t think of him,’ he thought quickly. ‘I thought Justin was different. I thought he could deal with who I was. I thought he’d always be there. So I pushed him away. What the fuck was I thinking?’ Brian was brought out of his thoughts by Daphne beginning her story, forcing Brian to sit forward and listen. He had to know what was going on. If nothing else, he didn’t want Justin gone. He wouldn’t be able to live with himself is he was the cause of any more problems for the young man. ‘I’ve caused him enough pain,’ he told himself. “Well he said he was going to talk to his mom. I guess he was going to get some money from her for a ticket or something, but I don’t know. He didn’t say.” Brian closed his eyes shaking his head. “And,” he almost yelled. ‘She’s as frustrating as Justin is at times.’ “Okay. God, you’re worse than a woman,” she stated. Brian felt like he wanted to reach across the distance between them and slap her silly. ‘Worse than a woman,’ he thought. ‘You’re one to fucking talk.’ “Anyway -- as I was trying to say before you interrupted me -- he was saying stuff like getting a fresh start, and that he felt lost. He said he wanted to go someplace where no one knew him so that he could figure stuff out.” “What stuff,” Brian asked. Brian saw Daphne shrug, and he realized that she was just as lost in this mess as he was. He could feel for her, and almost felt bad for putting her through his bullshit tonight. Brian knew that Daphne was hurting just as much as he was. He also knew that he was in a great deal of pain. Losing Justin had left a large whole inside of himself that he never knew existed. Now all he wanted to do was find a way to fill that whole before he fell into the abyss of depression himself. Brian had never been one to believe in love, and taking chances, but he had done both with Justin. Now he wasn’t sure -- now that his walls were shattered -- that he could go back to the way he was before. He didn’t know if he wanted to. “I don’t know really what he has planned, but he told me that there’s just too much here, and he didn’t think he could take it anymore. Not that I blame him,” she said, and Brian saw her stand again. “I mean come on; everyone has just treated him like shit since the two of you broke up. Michael’s being an ass, which I knew was going to happen, since Michael hates Justin and loves you. But Ted, Mel . . . Deb . . . . I mean God, what the hell does he have here,” she finished, and Brian felt the sadness and anger flow off of her. ‘Or is that my anger,’ he thought. ‘How the hell could they all just shut him out? I didn’t ask for that. I didn’t want that to happen. No fucking wonder he’s a mess right now. FUCK!’ Brian knew that once he found Justin and talked to him, he would go and talk to the ‘gang’ and tell them how it was. He wouldn’t let them use him as an excuse to be rude to Justin. He wouldn’t allow that. “FUCK,” he exclaimed letting her know that he had no idea what had been going on. However, before he could say anything more, Daphne’s phone rang. Brian watched as Daphne picked it up, and sat silently hoping that it was Justin. “Oh hi, Ms. Taylor,” she said. Brian had to smile slightly. ‘Okay so it’s not my Taylor, but it is one of them. MY Taylor,’ he thought with a slight stab of fear. ‘Where the hell did that come from?’ Shaking his head, he figured that he would deal with that later, after they found Justin. ‘What better way than the person whom Justin went to go and see.’ Brian sat back and continued to listen to the one-sided conversation. If he could get to Justin first, all the better. “What!?. . . No he’s not here . . . I don’t know, but I’ll try and find him.” Brian heard this and immediately became alert. Justin was gone, and by the sounds of it, he left his mother’s in a hurry. Brian silently swore to himself. He would just have to wait for Daphne to get off the phone to fill him in, but he knew that every second wasted was just more time for Justin to get away from him. “Don’t worry, I’ll talk to him . . . I promise. . . Yea, I’ll call you as soon as I see him . . . Don’t worry . . . Okay, I promise. . . I’ll tell him . . . No, stay there and take care of Molly . . . Is he gone? Good. . . Okay, I’ll call you soon . . . Okay, bye.” Brian watched as Daphne set the phone down on the table and just stood there in shock. “What happened,” he asked hoping to drag her out of her shock. The last thing he needed was for her to lose it. Justin’s life could be in danger, and Brian wouldn’t allow anyone to stand in his way in order for him to get to the young artist. Nothing would stop him getting to Justin if he was in danger. Brian froze as he saw the scared look in Daphne’s eyes. “Mr. Taylor was there,” she began, and Brian felt as if the world stopped spinning. He knew that he needed to get to Justin NOW! “He just turned and left. Ms. Taylor’s worried.” Brian closed his eyes, and swallowed the bile that threatened to rise in this throat. ‘If Craig Taylor touched a hair on Justin’s head, I will kill the son of a bitch,’ he swore. “Okay,” Brian began, standing. Placing his hands on her shoulders, he shook her gently to get her to help him. “Go and check out anywhere you think he might be. I don’t know, places that two of you used to hang out, whatever. I’m going to check out some places myself. As soon as one of us finds him, call the other. Okay?” Daphne nodded, and Brian saw her square her shoulders. ‘That’s my girl,’ He thought. “Let’s go,” she said as the two headed out of the apartment to try and find Justin. **************** For the past two hours, Brian has combed the city trying to find some sign of where Justin maybe. His frustration was building to enormous proportions, as each place he could think of showed no sign of the young artist. Brian had just finished talking to Daphne, and knew that she as having as much luck as he was. ‘Dammit, Justin! Where the fuck are you,’ he swore to himself. Brian knew that he had to find Justin immediately. He had to know what was going on, and all he knew class=SpellE>thusfar was that something happened at his mother’s house, and that Justin was planning on leaving. Brian decided he would check one last time on Liberty Ave, hoping that Justin had come back here. He wasn’t going to give up until he found him. Parking his car in one of the alleys behind Woody’s, Brian got out, and made his way toward the bar. He remembered when Justin was suffering from the inability of using his hand; he had come here and gotten drunk. Brian only hoped that Justin had come here. Of course he didn’t like the idea of Justin trying to find comfort in the alcohol and drugs, but he knew that he couldn’t think bad upon it either. ‘How many times have I lost myself in the sex, drugs, and alcohol,’ he thought. ‘I can’t fault him in doing the same thing I always do.’ Brian walked into the bar, silently praying that none of the guys were there. The last thing he wanted to do was deal with them right now. He had more important things to handle right now, than Michael’s bitching. Scanning the Friday Night crowd, Brian spotted his target sitting at the bar. Breathing a sigh of relief, Brian made his way cautiously over to Justin. He didn’t want to scare the young man off. Taking the seat next to Justin, Brian looked him over. He immediately saw that Justin was quickly on his way to getting drunk. When Justin motioned for the bartender to bring him another drink, Brian shook his head at the man. “I think you’ve had enough, Justin. Don’t you?” Justin didn’t even look at him, which caused a slight pain in Brian’s chest. “ class=SpellE>Fuc’ off, Brian. I’ll say when I’ve had enough,” he slurred slightly. “And I’m just getting started.” Justin turned to look him in the eye, and Brian flinched when he saw the look in the younger man’s eyes. Justin was visibly high on something -- what Brian didn’t know. But it was the empty look in the man’s eyes that caused Brian’s heart to break. Brian shook his head in disbelief. He hated to see Justin in this condition. “Come on, I say you’ve had enough. We’re getting out of here,” Brian said as he laid down some money on the counter, and pulled slightly at Justin’s arm. “Fuck off,” Justin yelled. Ignoring the out burst and glares from the other customers, Brian just continued to pull Justin out of the bar, and toward the jeep. “Let go of me,” Justin said as he tried to pull his arm from Brian’s grasp. When the two reached the jeep, Brian pushed Justin against the passenger door, and pinned him there. “Let me go,” he heard Justin quietly beg. Brian closed his eyes, gathering strength he needed to say no to Justin. He couldn’t let Justin go no matter what. He opened the door, and pushed Justin in. “Now,” he began as he started to strap Justin in. “We’re going back to the loft, and you’re going to sober up. Then we’re going to talk. Understand?” Brian noted that Justin just sat where he was placed, refusing to look at him or even move. “Justin,” he said reaching around to cup the younger man’s chin. Pulling Justin’s face so that he could look into the man’s eyes, Brian rested his forehead against Justin’s. “Everything is going to be okay. Trust me, alright.” Justin didn’t respond to him, so Brian just sighed and moved toward his side of the car. As the jeep moved through the streets on the way toward the loft, Brian would steal an occasional glance at Justin. He noted that Justin only moved enough to lay his head against the passenger window and stared out at the passing scenery. Seeing Justin in this position caused a tightness in his chest. Justin was obviously suffering a great deal, and all Brian wanted to do was try and ease some of that for him. Justin had been through so much this past year, and he didn’t need anymore crap thrown at him. Brian was determined to try and break through the fog that had suddenly surrounded the young man. No matter what, he would try and bring Justin back. ‘We’ll get through this, Justin. Trust me. I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise. You just have to trust me,’ Brian thought as he pulled up to his building. ************** Justin stood by the elevator as Brian opened the loft door, and motioned him in. Taking slow, careful steps, he walked into his former home, and just stood inside the door. Never taking his eyes off of the older man, Justin watched as Brian made his way over to the kitchen and began the coffee pot. ‘Like that will make it all go away,’ Justin thought bitterly. ‘Trust Brian to try and fix things. What a fucking joke.’ “Why don’t you take a shower,” Justin heard Brian say. Justin just laughed bitterly at the suggestion. “Trust me, you’ll feel better afterwards.” Justin suddenly turned on the other man, with hate, and anger filling his entire being. “Feel better! What a fucking joke, Brian! What the FUCK do you know? What will make me feel better?” Justin just turned away and moved over to the window. ‘I can’t lose it now,’ he thought trying to calm himself. He felt like he was slipping away, and he didn’t know what he was doing. Justin knew that he just wasn’t in control anymore. He felt as if some alien came and took control of his life, of his feelings, of his emotions. The only thing he knew deep down was that he really didn’t want to dump everything on Brian. ‘Brian doesn’t deserve anymore of my fucking drama. But dammit, don’t I have a right to be pissed at him. If he had just fucking listened once in awhile, then I wouldn’t be in this state now,’ he thought clenching his hands tightly. Justin didn’t notice Brian come up behind him until he felt the hands on his shoulders, gently massaging them. This motion – instead of calming him – infuriated Justin more. However, he just stood there, tightening his fists, drawing blood. What was worse, was that Brian’s calming voice, soothing voice was only agitating Justin more. “Justin, I’m just trying to help. Now, why don’t you just take a shower, calm down, get some rest, and we’ll talk about what’s bothering you once things calm down a little bit. I know that it seems like everything is fucked up right now, but I want to help you. If you’ll let me.” Suddenly Brian’s touch felt like fire to Justin. Brian’s calm, loving voice, and his soothing hands lit a fire within Justin that he had hoped he could just ignore. Now Brian had unknowing unleashed the beast, and opened the doors that Justin had been carefully constructing. Moving away from Brian, Justin laughed bitterly at the older man. “Everything is fucked up? Well no shit, Brian. God, I’m glad to see that all of your college education didn’t go to waste.” Justin saw Brian clench his jaw, trying to keep his own anger inside him. But Justin didn’t care anymore. Let Brian be angry, why not – Justin was. “You’re angry,” Brian began, but Justin didn’t want to hear anymore. Justin turned on Brian, and knew that he had nothing to lose. ‘Why not, it’s not like I have anything left to lose anymore anyway. I mind as well let Brian know what I never had the fucking nerve to tell him before,’ Justin smiled. “You’re damn right I’m angry Brian. Why shouldn’t I be? But you know what? You want to know what’s wrong. You want to try and fix me? That’s right. . . The great Brian Fucking Kinney coming to the rescue. He’ll fix Justin right up. It’s what you do best, isn’t it?” Justin turned away and began to pace around the loft. He had to keep moving, he just had to. Justin felt that if he stayed in one place for any length of time, he would lose his nerve, and he couldn’t do that. Life was just too overwhelming for him right now, and he had to lash out before he truly lost himself. Deep down he hated that Brian was the one that he was attacking, cause he never would want to hurt the man he loved. But Justin had no control over anything right now, and he just couldn’t contain it any longer. When Justin saw that Brian was going to say something, he immediately turned to stare at the man. “No, don’t say a fucking word. You want to know? Well then just stand there while I tell you a story. And for once in your fucking life listen. Really listen,” Justin stated. Seeing that Brian had moved to sit on the back of the couch, Justin began to move again, pacing back and forth. He wanted to say things rationally, to get a point across, but none of his thoughts would come together. His mind was like a shattered mirror – pieces scattered in front of him – and he was afraid that if he touched them, if he let them to the surface, he would be cut. “God, I tried, Brian, I really did. I tried everything to make you love me. . . but nothing worked did it? I tried to push my way into your life, I tried to do everything that you wanted me to do. I fucked other guys, no matter how repulsed I was. I would stand by as you try and fuck Michael for class=SpellE>fucksake.” Justin saw Brian flinch at that comment, and he knew that he had struck a cord. Latching onto something to make Brian feel just a fraction of the pain that he himself was feeling; gave Justin a power that he didn’t know he wanted. He didn’t think that he ever wanted to cause Brian pain, but he didn’t care anymore. He wanted to be left alone; he wanted to have a clean slate, no connections when he left this city. He wanted Brian to hate him. ‘Everyone else does, why not Brian,’ he thought. “Didn’t think I would know about that, did you,” he pressed on. “I saw you Brian, at the comic book store. Kissing Michael, grabbing his dick, telling him you wanted to fuck him. I was there. Not that either one of you noticed, but I was there.” “Oh and let’s not forget about how you chose your fucking job over me,” he laughed. Once again, he stopped Brian from making any comment. “Oh yeah, you were going to lose your job if you didn’t go. But guess what, Brian. You won’t even fucking have a job if it wasn’t for me. How do you think that made me feel? I almost let that idiot Kip fuck me to save your job, and you just blow me off like yesterday’s news.” Justin saw even more shock and suddenly recognition on Brian’s face. Justin moved in closer to Brain so that he could look the other man in the eyes. He was out for blood, and Justin didn’t care anymore. He was going to wield the bat this time. He was going to be in control of the situation. He was going to have a say in his life. “I saw him coming here that night. Remember. I stood at the top of the steps, and watched as he came in here. Was he good, Brian? Was he?” Justin saw Brian close his eyes, and he smiled to himself. “What did you do,” he heard Brian ask quietly. “I saw him at class=SpellE>Woodys, and cornered him in the alley. Told him that you weren’t my type, and that he was. He took me back to his place, and started to try and suck me off. I told him that I had to be home soon, or else my parents would be mad. Told him that the last person I was with ended up in jail when my father found out, and that I was only seventeen.” Justin laughed and shook his head. “I can’t believe he fucking fell for that. I mean it’s not like anything could be done, I was of legal age. But he bought it. I told him I wouldn’t tell dear class=SpellE>ol’ dad, if he would do something for me.” “Drop the suit against me,” Brian said shaking his head. Justin knew that Brian had always suspected, but had never had any real proof. That was until now. “Why?” “Why? Because I loved you, or don’t you know that,” Justin stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Justin shook his head, as thoughts began to run rampant around his mind. It was getting harder to think straight. Thoughts just kept moving to the front of his consciousness and he couldn’t keep them at bay any longer. They were coming out of his mouth before he even had a chance to try and shove them aside. “You know I should’ve listened to Michael. He told me you would never change . . . but NO I just had to try and change you. I had to keep pushing you didn’t I? “But I always seem to fuck up, don’t I? I mean, if I hadn’t done that then you would’ve come with me. If I hadn’t tried to make it on my own, then Sap wouldn’t have tried to fucking rape me. If I hadn’t been in doubt about your feelings for me after your pissing on my work, then I never would’ve believed Ethan. I never would’ve left. If we had just fucking talked, instead of fucking. God,” he yelled grabbing a hold of his head. He was quickly losing it, and he felt like his head was going to explode. “If I hadn’t fucking jerked Chris off, if I hadn’t confronted him outside on the street, then I never would’ve been bashed. If I. . .” Justin felt Brian grab a hold of him, bringing his body against the other man’s. “If I wasn’t gay, then my father would love me,” Justin said reaching around Brian, holding him as if he was a lifeline. “He wouldn’t have said that.” “What did he say, Justin,” he heard Brian whisper in his ear. “What did he say? Tell me, let me help you.” Justin felt as if he was drowning. Justin clung to Brian tighter, hoping that Brian would be able to keep him afloat. “He said that he wished Chris had just finished . . . he said I was dead to him,” Justin cried. He felt drained, and clung to Brian harder as he cried over his lose. Pulling back slightly, Justin reached up and placed his hand on Brian’s cheek. “Should I be dead, Brian? Would it have made everyone’s life better,” he asked knowing that Brian would never lie to him. Justin had to know. He just had to. *************** ‘That fucking, Craig,’ Brian thought. ‘I’ll fucking kill the bastard.’ Brian looked down at Justin’s trusting blue eyes, and sighed. He hated to see this much pain etched in the young man’s eyes. “No, Justin. I don’t think I could’ve lived, if you had died. I know I wouldn’t have wanted to live,” he said pulling Justin hand into his own. Suddenly Brian felt something wet in his palm. Turning Justin’s hand over he saw the slight specks of blood on the pale skin. Flashed entered his mind unwittingly – Justin laying on the cement floor of the parking garage, blood pouring out of his head. Once again, Brian felt like he was to blame for Justin being hurt. “Come on,” he calmly stated. ‘Not that I feel calm. I feel like someone just opened up my chest and ripped it all to shreds,’ he thought. ‘But I have to help Justin. I can’t worry about myself right now. I can deal with the fall out later, but Justin needs me. I can’t let him down again.’ “Let’s go get something for your hand.” Brian tried to move Justin over to the sink in the kitchen, but he felt Justin freeze in his spot. Turning to look at him, Brian saw the need replace the pain in Justin’s eyes. “Brian,” he began. Brian stepped closer to Justin, and looked down at him. “I feel so numb. I feel so lost. Help me to feel something. Please? Please, I need you.” Brian placed his hands on Justin’s cheeks and slowly caressed the soft skin beneath his fingers. Brian leaned in and lightly brushed his lips against Justin’s, not really touching, but feeling the connection all the same. He felt like he was coming home after being away for years – lost somewhere in the north pole. He realized that he had been going through the motions of existing, since he had pushed Justin out of his life all those weeks ago. He had only been half a person. Now, hold Justin in his arms, feeling the younger man run his hands across the back of his neck, feeling his lips, his skin beneath his own – Brian felt whole once again. Brian moved his lips from Justin’s to his ear. Lightly licking the delicate flesh between his ear and his neck, Brian sighed contently. “I’ll never let you go, Justin. I can’t let you go. I need you,” he whispered in the younger man’s ear. ‘I love you,’ he thought, unable to say anymore as Justin pulled Brian’s mouth to his own. Brian plunged his tongue deep into Justin’s mouth, loving the feeling of the soft lips on his own, the feeling of Justin’s tongue dueling with his own. Brian ran his hands down the front of Justin’s chest until he reached the bottom of his shirt. He could feel Justin make short work of the buttons on his shirt, as he stopped the kiss long enough to pull the offensive item off of Justin. No words were needed as they continued to undress, trying to feel every inch of the other as they continued to kiss, and caress each other. Brian groaned as Justin pulled away from him. He needed to feel Justin against him, and felt the lose of him immediately. The feeling was short lived, however, as Justin grabbed his hand and lead him toward the bedroom. Brian laid on top of Justin in the middle of the bed, and began to trail open-mouth kissed down the man’s body. Stopping long enough to take the small gold nipple ring into his mouth, Brian lightly pulled on it. Brian felt Justin’s sudden intake of breath, and then Justin’s hands in his hair pulling him up so that their lips could meet again. Brian felt like he was just offered the world, as Justin handed him a condom and the lube. “Please, Brian. I need you. . .now,” he panted, trying to catch his breath. Brian knew what he was feeling, cause he felt it too. There were so many emotions running rampage within him, that he felt like if he didn’t connect with Justin soon, he would explode. Brian placed some lube on his fingers, and began to run them along Justin’s hole. Sliding two fingers into the opening, Brian watched as Justin’s face glowed in ecstasy. He began to slide his fingers in and out of Justin, going deeper with each thrust. Brian leaned down and looked into Justin’s eyes. “Is this what you need, Justin,” he asked wanting to be sure. He wanted Justin to have no regrets about this night. Even if he couldn’t say the words that Justin needed to hear, he had to let the younger man know what he meant to him. After tonight, Brian wasn’t going to let Justin go again. He didn’t think he would be able to survive. “Yes,” Justin told him, pulling his mouth toward Justin’s own awaiting lips. Brian pulled back enough to move Justin’s legs over his shoulders, giving each a kiss on the inside of the knees. God how he loved this young man. No one had been able to give him as much pleasure as Justin had, and Brian knew that no one ever would. Rolling the condom on his dick, Brian looked down at his lover’s face. He saw Justin’s eyes full of lust, love, and trust. Brian knew that his eyes must show the same emotions. “Are you sure,” he asked one more time. He needed to be sure that this was what Justin wanted. “Just do it, Brian. Please,” Justin begged him. Brian closed his eyes in relief the plunged his staff deep within Justin’s awaiting hole. ‘God, he feels so good,’ Brian thought. ‘How did I ever think I could live without this?’ Brian began to push deep into Justin, pulling out until the head of his cock was almost out, then pushing back in harder, and deeper than before. Leaning down he grabbed Justin’s face and began to push his tongue into Justin’s mouth, mimicking the motion below. “God, Justin . . . Fuck . . . You’re so hot . . . feel so good,” he panted against his lovers lips before continuing his assault. Brian pushed in deeper hitting the spot deep within that Brian knew would drive Justin crazy. Brian felt Justin pull his lips away and turn his head to the side in pure bliss. Brian took advantage, running his tongue from Justin’s chin, to his Adam’s apple, then up to Justin’s magic spot behind his ear. With each thrust Brian would push both of them closer to the edge. He knew that neither one of them would last much longer, as he felt Justin begin to wrap tighter around his cock. “Fuck . . . Brian. I’m coming . . . God,” Justin shouted as he began to cum, shooting his load between their sweat-slicked bodies. Feeling Justin’s cum on his skin and the grip around his cock pushed Brian over the edge. Shooting his load within the condom, Brian cried out in ecstasy. “Justin!” He pulled Justin’s lips back to his own, not wanting the connection to end yet. Breaking the kiss, Brian tried to catch his breath. He leaned in and rested his forehead against Justin’s. Brian rolled off Justin and pulled the younger man closer to his body. Brian knew that Justin had fallen into a deep sleep exhausted. He only wished that he could take away Justin’s pain. “I love you,” he whispered, hoping that the young man would understand, and accept what he had to offer. Feeling his eyelids begin to drop, Brian pulled the younger man even closer to his body. He needed the connection. Feeling content, Brian began to allow sleep to take him. He knew that the two still had a lot to talk about, but for now, he was content. ‘He’ll be here in the morning, and I’ll tell him everything that he needs to hear,’ he thought. Kissing the top of Justin’s head, he sighed. “Everything will be better in the morning, Sunshine. I promise. I love you,” he said as he allowed his eyes to close. ********************* Brian awoke, and reached to his side for Justin. Feeling only empty space beside him, Brian immediately sat up in bed. “Justin,” he called out. Fear began to creep it’s way into his chest, crippling him. Standing, he quickly made his way into the living room, and looked around. “Justin?” As he walked over to the kitchen, he noticed something that made his heart stop in his chest. Brian sat down on one of the stools, leaning his head against the surface of the bar. He couldn’t breath. He felt like he was having a heart attack. “Why, Justin? Why,” he cried as the tears began to fall down his face. Once again he had failed. Sitting against the smooth surface of the counter, sat a stack of letters written in Justin’s elegant handwriting. Justin was gone. TBC. . .