EXPERIENTIA DOCET Semper Filelis Always Faithful This Chapter 25 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by: Brian Kinney Featuring Justin Taylor, Michael Novotny, Cynthia Morgan, Lindsey Peterson, and others Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. Summary: December 2003. Brian makes final arraignments. Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * Have I mentioned how much I fucking HATE the damn Pitts? If not then let me reiterate how much I do. Although it’s only been a week since I was in LA, it seems like a fucking eternity. What’s that saying? ‘Back to the grind’? Fuck me. Of course, by the time I had gotten back to the loft that following Sunday night and checked my messages I saw that there were about fifty messages waiting for me, and triple the e-mails. Almost all of them are from Mikey. Let’s just say that by the time I walk into the office the next morning, I was about ready to kill. I could only hope to God that Cynthia has everything set up for this move. I was glad that she was there, since I knew that I wouldn’t have been able to do shit. By the time I walked into the office on Tuesday morning, she had set up everything with the realtor, transferred all my accounts over to the LA office, so on and so forth. I’ve had people tell me that what I offered her for this move was too much. The thing is… I don’t think it’s enough. She keeps me on the ball, makes sure shit gets done. I don’t even want to think of what would happen if she wasn’t there. After catching up on all the shit at work, and trying to get all of my affairs in order, I was actually grateful that I only have to move once. If I had known that it would be like this I never would’ve bothered. I have no idea how anyone can move every couple of years. I hadn’t had time to really stop by and see anyone yet, and I know that some of them – okay so Mikey – is pissed, but there’s not much I can do about it. They will just have to wait until later this week when I have some time. There’s not much I can do about it. I’ve spent as much of my free time with Gus in between work shit, and packing… and whatever else. He is what is important right now for me. Lindsey, Mel, and I have been talking every day for the past week trying to come up with some plan – both with support and with visitation. Of course Mel isn’t too pleased with Gus going out to LA and spending time with me, but I think that knowing that Justin will be there makes her feel a little better. That’s almost too frightening. She trusts Justin – whom she never really met – more than me. Fucking cunt. As soon as I step into the room, Cynthia is out of her chair following me into my office. “I have the appointment with the realtor set up. They will be by tomorrow in order to go over the paperwork, and close on the sale. Also, I went and found a company who will transport your jeep to LA. I told them we would need it there in two weeks, so they will be picking it up next Monday.” I sit down behind my desk, and just close my eyes. I am fucking tired, and I’m ready to be done with this shit. I open my eyes briefly when she pauses, and watch as she places a cup of coffee and some aspirin on my desk. “Now, I have also set up an account at Lindsey’s bank for Gus, and talked to accounting on the direct deposit like you asked.” I can only nod as I start to go through all the messages that had been taken on Wednesday and the weekend. Why anyone would call on a holiday weekend when they KNOW that no one is there, is beyond me. I almost feel bad for the answering service people… almost. Mikey… Mikey… Mikey… Lindsey… fuck! Mikey. Okay, now this shit is getting a little much. Cynthia leaves after giving me my schedule for the day, so I just look over the pile of messages. My guess they are exactly the same type messages that I had at the loft. I don’t have a lot of time to mess with things. I want be out there completely by the 15th of December. “Michael Novotny is on line one.” Cynthia tells me over the speaker. “Fuck! What time is the VanTronics meeting?” I ask looking over the clock and notice that I haven’t been there even an hour yet and already things are fucked up. “Ten.” Cynthia tells me. “Alright let him through.” I tell her. “Get me the file on them.” I wait for the connection and lean back in my chair. I can feel the headache building already, and I just want to crawl back into bed – preferably in bed with Justin. “Yes, Mikey. What can I do for you?” “Where have you been? I’ve been looking for you all weekend. We were supposed to meet up at Mom’s.” Mikey whined into the phone. “I never said that I would be there, Mikey. I had already told Deb that I would be gone, and wouldn’t make it.” I tell him. It amazes me that he can forget all the shit that he was saying right before I left. He is acting like we never had that argument, and I’m not ready to let that go. I can’t believe that he was telling me that I was throwing away our friendship. What a bunch of bullshit, but he won’t believe me. “Is there anything important that you needed to talk to me about? Anyone dead?” “No, but…” “But what? I have a lot of shit to do, Mikey so if you don’t mind…” I begin wanting to get this over with so that I can get back to work. “Look, Mikey, I’m really busy right now, so unless someone is dying, or in the hospital we can talk about this later.” “When? You’re always busy, or never around. We haven’t spent any time together.” Mikey whined. “Listen, I don’t have time to fuck around here. I have exactly five days to get this shit done, and be gone. Either live with it or not… I don’t care.” I tell him. It’s harsh, I know – but I’m tried of fucking around. There’s entirely too much to do and not enough time to do it in. I run my hands through my hair and take a deep breath. “Mikey, look… I don’t have time right now. We’ll hang out later this week, I promise. How’s that sound?” “Brian?” Mikey began, and I could almost feel the pain behind my eyes increase. I can almost hear the whine starting, and I really don’t want to deal with his insecurities. I really don’t. If Mikey can’t handle me moving, then I’m sorry. I have to start looking out for myself, and I can’t be here to hold his hand all the time. I take a deep breath, and let it out slowly. I just hate that he’s so needy. I mean, he has a lot of people in his life that will be there for him. I don’t have to be around 24/7. “Mikey… I have to go. I have a meeting in ten minutes. I’ll call you tonight, and we’ll meet up at Woody’s or somewhere.” I tell him and hang up. I really don’t want to deal with that right now. The really sad thing is that I used to relish in that shit. I used to take a great deal of pleasure in his neediness. I used to want it… want him to need me and only me. If I knew back then what I do now… I would have done things differently. Now when I want to move on, he’s still trying to hang on. I don’t know what to do in this case. I really don’t. Mikey’s been there for me when I needed him. He’s always been there. Now, I’m planning on leaving and he’s trying to hold on. The only problem – okay one of the main problems – is that he wants to hang on to the past. Mikey isn’t ready to fully grow up, and I know I can’t stay here. I know if I stay here, I’ll lose myself – there is no doubt in my mind about that. No doubt at all. I guess I’ll have to think of something – come up with some way to ease his fears. I owe him that much… hell I owe him a lot. I just can’t put my life on hold for him. * * * * * * * After the damn day I’ve had so far this morning, I walk back into my office feeling like I need a blast of sanity. Between Mikey, and the accounts – fuck! Everything – I need someone who actually thinks that my ideas, my fucking existence is worth something. “Hold all calls, all shit for the next fucking hour.” I tell Cynthia as I walk in and slam the door to my office closed. Sitting behind my desk, I pick up the phone and dial the number I know by heart. “Hello,” I hear the voice ask. “Sleeping in?” I ask with a small smile on my face. “You don’t have to be anywhere so you actually sleep in until nine? I’m ashamed.” “Fuck off.” Justin laughs slightly. “It’s not often I can do this, so I’m going to take what I can get, when I can. It’s not like you let me get much sleep while you were here. So I have to make up for the time lost.” “Oh, so I’m to blame?” I ask. “Yep.” “How the hell do you figure that?” I know the answer to that question, but I want to see what he comes up with. Have I mentioned how much I love our verbal sparing? “Well, I do believe it was YOU who kept waking my ass up in the middle of the night. I do believe that it was YOU who wanted to go shopping at god awful hours of the day. Need I continue?” He asks now fully awake. Oh I remember exactly what I did to make the most of our long weekend. It was most definitely enjoyable, for the both of us. So I know he’s not pissed about it. “But you loved it, Sunshine.” I tell him. “Yeah, well.” He reluctantly agrees. Like I believe that. “So what’s up?” “You evidentially.” I tell him. I can almost see him roll his eyes at me and shake his head. “Just thought I’d talk to someone who actually has an IQ over 100.” I say. “That bad, huh?” He asks. “You don’t know the half of it.” I hear Justin let out a sigh, and just hearing that sound makes me wish I was there. Fuck, what this kid does to me. “How’s the move going? Everything okay with that?” I like how he’s trying to figure out where my head is at without making a big fuss out of things. He doesn’t skirt around the issue, just dives right in and gets to the bottom of things. I admire that. It’s so different than what I’m used to, and it’s something that I wished the gang here would do. “Not bad, actually. I have a buyer for the loft, and the closing is tomorrow. The moving company is set up… accounts are being transferred. Things are going pretty good with all of that. No need to worry.” “Lindsey? Is she giving you a fit about leaving Gus? You said she was okay with it, and that things were working out there.” Justin asks. “Lindsey isn’t the problem.” I tell him. I know that he is worried that this move will be hard on me and on Gus. I know that he wants me to have a good relationship with Gus, and he won’t let me be a dead-beat dad. I guess it’s because both of us had such shitty relationships with our own fathers, that makes him want what’s best for Gus. I don’t know. At least he’s trying to make me NOT regret being away from my kid – even though I have no rights. “Then what’s wrong?” He asks, bringing me out of my thoughts. “No, let me guess. Michael.” I don’t say anything, just let him take that as silence. “Brian,” he breathes. “You can’t run your life around Michael. You have to do what’s right for you, and not what Michael wants you to do. If this move is what you need to do, then you need to do it. If you stay around there and not do this… not do what you want to do, you’ll resent him. You’ll hate him for keeping you from doing what you want. Is that what you want? Do you think that’s what he really wants?” “No,” I tell him. “Then he’ll have to live with your choices. He’ll have to live with this, because no one should stop you from doing what you want.” I hear Justin move around, and can’t help but feel better. He’s right, I know that. It still doesn’t make it any harder, but at least I do feel better about it. “You’re job has always been important to you. You told me that it’s what kept you going for a long time… it matters to you. It’s, in effect, who you are. If he’s your friend, and if you’re to remain friends – he will just have to accept it. You can’t put your life on hold for him.” “I know. I just don’t understand what his problem is.” “Talk to him. Get it worked out. You won’t be happy unless you do.” And that folks is why I am with him. No holding back. He knows me, even though we’ve known each other a short time. He knows me better than Mikey. I should be scared, but somehow I find it relaxing. That’s what I need. That’s what I want. * * * * * * * I walk into the Muncher’s house, and pick up Gus. Lindsey smiles and I follow her into the kitchen. “How’s the move going?” She asks me. I only shrug and kiss my son’s head lightly. “It’s going. The closing on the loft will be tomorrow, the moving company will be there Saturday. By Sunday, I’m gone.” I tell her. I try not to sound too thrilled about, but it’s hard not to. I can’t wait to be out of this hell hole of a city, and basically start fresh. Cause starting fresh is basically what I’ll be doing. New place, new friends… whole new existence. “Are you moving in with Justin?” She asks with a smile. “If everything works out the way I have it planned… yes.” I make my way over to one of the chairs and sit down with Gus on my lap. “We shall see.” “I still can’t believe you’re actually moving out there. I mean, I remember you talking about gong to New York, but LA?” She asked sitting down next to me, placing a cup of coffee on the table for me. “I’m proud of you, Brian.” I look up at her with a raised eyebrow. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” “Don’t play with me, Brian. I know you well enough to know that this move has very little to actually do with work. You’ve changed. You’ve finally grown up.” Lindsey states. I want to deny her… if for nothing else then she’s making me sound like a fucking saint. I shake my head and take a drink of my coffee. “You know I’m a selfish bastard, Linds. No one would believe you. I’m going out there because of business. Nothing more, nothing less.” Lindsey laughs at me. She fucking laughs! “You can tell that to Michael, and the others, but I know you, Brian. I have seen the changes. You’ve changed and it’s a good thing. Don’t let what everyone thinks stop you from doing what you need to do.” Lindsey leans forward a little and fixes something on Gus’ shirt, then lifts her eyes to me. “If you want to be with Justin… if that’s where you feel you need to be, then I’m happy for you. You can lie to me all you want to, Brian. But I know the truth.” “And the truth is?” I ask her. “You love Justin.” “I don’t…” “Don’t lie to me, Brian.” Lindsey interrupts. “You love Gus. You love me. You love everyone here. You can’t deny that.” I shake my head again. “This is different.” “Yes it is.” She says with a smile. Fuck… I fell right into that one. “You are in love with Justin. I can see it, and I’m happy for you.” Lindsey puts her hand on my arm and leans in to kiss me on the cheek. I only roll my eyes. I really hate all of this lovey dovey shit. It makes my dick soft. “Oh stop that.” She laughs lightly hitting me on the arm. “What?” I ask. I glance down at the table, cause frankly I just can’t look her in the eye. She’s right. I do love Justin… and I can at least say to myself that I am in love with him. However, hearing it from someone else still makes me uncomfortable. I guess I still have a long ways to go before I can fully get past the persona that I’ve built around myself all my life. “Now if I can just get Mikey off my fucking back.” I tell her honestly. “What’s wrong with Michael? I would think he’d be happy for you.” “Evidentially, you don’t know Mikey all that well, Linds.” I say. “What hasn’t he said, is the better question.” Lindsey stands and moves behind me. I can feel her arms go around my neck, and I feel strangely comforted. “Brian? You need to do what’s right for you. If Michael can’t accept that, it’s not your problem. He has to understand that you’re not fifteen anymore. If he can’t, then that’s his problem. I think that it’s better for everyone if you go.” I turn around slightly to look into her eyes. “What do you mean? Trying to get rid of me?” “Stop. I’m just saying that we all depend on you… maybe a little too much. Maybe it’s time that we don’t have that safety net. With you out there, then we won’t have the chance to come to you to fix things. That’s all I’m saying. No matter what, though. I’m there for you.” She explains. I can’t deny that. I do have a tendency to help them out whenever they come to me. It doesn’t matter who they are, if I can do something I will. That’s just me. I wonder if she’s right, though. Have I been holding them all back? Has my helping them made things worse? I don’t know really, and truthfully, I’m scared of the answer. The last thing I ever want to think about is doing something to hurt them – any of them. They have all been there for me… in one form or another -- some more than others, but I have helped them all out if they needed it. I just hate to think that I’m causing more harm than good. That I’ve been wrong this whole time. Maybe Linds is right. Maybe it’s better for everyone. I don’t know, really. I guess only time will tell. That’s all I can do. It’s not like I can just turn around and not move. No. The move is happening. We’ll just have to see how everyone fairs in the end. * * * * * * * TBC…