EXPERIENTIA DOCET Semper paratus Always prepared This Chapter 24 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by: Justin Taylor Featuring Brian Kinney, and others Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. Summary: November 2003. It’s Thanksgiving weekend with the boys. Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine. No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * I walk out of the small café where the interview was being held, and I feel completely exhausted. I knew what my life would consist of being an actor, but the reality of it is overwhelming. My life becomes an open book – every little thing that I have done, or dream of doing lays bear before the entire world. There is no privacy. The scary thing is, it will get worse – especially with the TV shows, and going to Angel next season, and the film premiere in two weeks… ohhh and let’s not forget the movie they want me to do next year. Fuck me! I know that Brian said that he doesn’t mind it, that he wants to be there for me… with me – but the reality of things will be something totally different. We will see if he can actually handle it. This is not really something that I would wish upon anyone. If anything will destroy us for good, it’s all the shit that we both will have to deal with because I’m a ‘star’. But who knows, maybe we all will be surprised. I do need, however, to check with Eric about taking some time off during the summer. I know I’ll need a break, and I think it would be a great time for Brian and me to get away from everything. That is if we’re still together. I have no idea where we could go, but just the thought of getting out of LA will be worth it. I get into the car – hating the fact that I couldn’t take the bike – and just sit there and take a deep breath. I hate interviews. All the damn questions about my personal life, and questions about what this is like, what that is like. Oh and let’s not forget the fact that I’m gay. That’s the thing that is the worst. They asked about the bashing, they asked about what my family thinks about me being both an actor and gay… they asked all sorts of questions, not many of them actually dealing with anything I’m doing. Okay, so there was maybe a couple dealing with the premiere but not many. Let’s not forget the ever present question – do you have a boyfriend? That I think was the hardest one to answer. Yes, Brian and I are giving it a shot… but do we consider ourselves boyfriends? Are we partners? What are we? We never really discussed that. Yeah, we both agreed that we were together, but in what form and fashion, I have no idea. So I answered the only way I knew how… I told them that I want to keep my personal life out of it for now. I told them that the moment we were ready – if the time ever came – I would let them know. How else could I have answered it? I park the car in the underground garage, and make my way up to the loft. I just feel drained that I am completely dreading having to spend all damn day getting everything ready for Thanksgiving dinner. Now I could easily just say fuck it and order something in… but this is Brian and my first Thanksgiving together and I want to make it special. Who knows if and when we would be able to do this again? I want to have everything perfect. As I open the door I throw my coat in the chair and walk over to Brian standing in the kitchen. I wrap my arms around his waist and lean my head between his shoulder blades. “Hard day, honey?” Brian jokingly asks me. “Shut up.” I say, not moving from my spot. I’m too comfortable, that I don’t ever want to leave. “Do you have any idea how much I HATE doing interviews?” Brian laughs slightly and pulls on my hands to loosen their hold. He turns around so he can wrap his own arms around me, pulling me close to his chest. “That bad, huh? I would think that actors like interviews. If for nothing else then to set the record straight… so to speak.” “Yeah, I’m sure for some that’s true.” I tell him looking up at him. “But do you have any idea what it’s like for an ‘out’ actor? Didn’t you know that being gay is ‘in’?” I asked him with a small smile on my face. “Scary… very fucking scary.” He laughs. “After all this time it’s finally cool to be gay.” I just shake my head. He’s right. It seems like almost everywhere you turn now days there’s something dealing with being gay out there. Gay dating shows, Gay design shows, Gay sitcoms. It’s fucking crazy. I don’t know when this trend started, but it’s everywhere. I think that’s part of the reason why everyone is jumping at the chance to interview an actual gay actor. I wonder if it’s like this for all of the out actors. Granted being ‘in’ still doesn’t make it easy for people to get jobs. I still have some actors or actresses who refuse to work with me. I think they believe that if they get too close to me they will get the ‘gay’ cooties or some shit. If they drink the same water I do then they will become gay. Stupid, I know but it’s true. “So what’s left to do?” I ask him looking over his shoulder at the counter. Brian removes his arms from around me, and looks down at the food bowls. “I have no idea what you have planned, but everything that you had listed for me to do, is finished. I even got the turkey out to defrost.” He tells me with a smile. I want to pat him on the head and tell him he’s a good boy, but I know he’ll kill me if I do. “Don’t even think about it.” He threatens reading my mind. I just look at him and stick out my tongue. “You’re no fun.” “Oh I’m lots of fun…you of all people should know that.” He states raising his eyebrow. I’m not even going to grace that with an answer. He’s conceited enough, he doesn’t need me to add to it. I know that because of his past, and his job he has learned to be … what’s the word? Confident? Whatever you want to call it, he’s it. He knows what he wants, and for the most part what he needs to do to get it. I admire him for that. Of course it does get a little much at times. But that’s why I love him. I don’t know if I could be with someone if the person was unsure of themselves. Maybe that’s why I haven’t really ever been in a relationship. “Yes, I do that… at least in some ways you are fun. You have your uses.” I joke. Quickly I race up to the bathroom, barely dodging his hand that was about to strike. * * * * * * * I wake up early… too damn early – even for me – and start cooking the dinner. When Brian finally drags his ass out of bed, I have everything already started and am sitting at the computer checking my e-mail. I know I should call home sometime today to talk to my mom, but I’m not sure that I really want to do that in all honesty. I know I will eventually break down and make the call, but I have to choose the right time. The last thing I want to do is call when the rest of the family is there. Molly needs her own phone line, that way I can talk to her and completely avoid the rest of the family. Mean, I know but I don’t care. “Morning.” I say to Brian as he comes up and lightly kisses me on the top of the head. He has a coffee cup in one hand, and the morning paper in his other. I’ve figured out that this is a normal morning for him, Brian’s morning routine. I wish mine was that calm and simple. No… not me. I wake up LONG before the sun even rises, race through the loft getting ready, drive to the studio… then do whatever the fuck they have planned for me. No, my mornings are not relaxing at all. Especially considering I’m already hard at work before 6 a.m. almost every morning. Hell, Brian isn’t even up most of the time that early. “Have you called your mommy?” He asks as he makes his way over to the couch. “No. Have you called Gus?” I ask back. I almost laugh at the look he’s giving me. You know the one that’s telling me that I’m completely crazy and I should know better. “I just fucking woke up, Justin. So no, I haven’t called Gus yet. Not that he would know the difference even if I did.” I know that Brian has a hard time with his relationship with his son. He obviously loves his son, and wants to be there for him all the time. But… he thinks that he is not good enough, that he wouldn’t make a good father. He feels that Gus is better off not knowing him. I think it’s a load of crap, but it’s just one more thing that we’re going to have to work on. Personally, I think that the way his so-called friends see him, and Melanie are keeping him from being what he wants to be to his son. Well that and his own belief that he’s just like his own father. The Kinney curse, he refers to it as. Kinney men are not made to be fathers. What a load of crap if I ever heard it before. I’ve seen him with Gus, and he’s perfect. Even a blind man could see how much he loves his son. I just wish that he could see it. Brian would die for Gus. I can only hope that our time together we can work on that – I can help his relationship with his son strengthen. I walk over to the couch, move the paper from his hands, and sit down on his lap with my legs on either side of his. “Brian.” I sigh. “Gus would know, and I’m sure that he would LOVE to hear from his daddy today.” Brian looks away, it’s going to take a lot of work to get him to where he actually believes he’s a good father. “Brian, you should call. I’m sure he’s already up, and if you call now then you can most likely avoid all the others who would be there.” “Fine.” He quietly agreed. “Get off me so I can call me son.” He added. He’s making a big play at this, acting like he doesn’t want to really do it. Yeah, I’m forcing him to talk to his son. What a load of crap. The sad thing is that some people would actually buy his little act. And he calls me a drama princess. I get off of him and walk toward the kitchen to check on the food, giving him the privacy he needs to make the call. I swear he is by far the biggest drama queen I know. He is always making a big issue out of showing what he feels. He always thinks he’s not good enough for anyone, or anything. I haven’t even known him that long and I have that figured out. I don’t know how his friends haven’t seen it. I wonder how they can even call themselves friends. Maybe this move would be good for him. He can start fresh, with a whole new set of friends – people who actually will WANT to know him. The REAL him. I’m not saying that he needs to completely sever his ties with everyone back in Pittsburgh, but he needs to definitely get away from their bullshit. Their accusations, their ‘fix something’ attitude. In the short time I was there, and what I had heard from Blake, everyone expects Brian to fix everything. They all will blame Brian if something in their own damn lives is fucked up. How can someone live like that? I swear to myself that I will not play that same game with Brian. I don’t expect him to fix everything. All I expect him to do is talk to me – let me be a part of his life. I want to be there for the ups and the downs. I want to share all of that and more with him. That’s what I want, and I think he wants that too. I feel Brian’s arms snake around my waist, and I lean back into him. “What do you think you’re doing?” I ask him as I feel his lips on my neck, his tongue gliding across my skin. “If you don’t know that, Sunshine… then I sure as hell has done something wrong.” I close my eyes, letting the feelings seep into me. He can find more ways to just drive me crazy, make me feel totally alive, that anyone else I have ever known. I don’t think I will ever get bored with him… I don’t know if that would be possible. I sure as hell don’t want to find out. “Want to play, little boy?” He breathes against my ear as I feel his hand glide across my chest. I laugh slightly, as I grip his hands and pull them away from me. “It’ll have to be after dinner, since I don’t want to eat burnt food.” Brian leaned his head on my shoulder in a perfect rendition of utter defeat. I swear he should be an actor himself. “Brian.” I laugh. “You’ll just have to control yourself. We can have desert AFTER we eat.” “Fuck!” He exclaims. “You’re killing me, you know that right?” I can only laugh and shake my head as he makes his way back to the couch and dramatically throws himself onto it. What can I say? I love the shit – drama moments and all. * * * * * * * “Not bad.” Brian says with a wink as he pushes his plate into the center of the table. I smile at him, grateful that my first real Thanksgiving turned out well. So I never really have done this before. This was the first time I cooked a turkey without someone – namely my mom – there to watch over my shoulder. So it thrills me that it turned out okay. Granted I never want to do this again. Something about pulling all that crap out of the turkey… it’s too gross for words. “I was thinking.” I began as I sat back in my chair. I’m so full that I feel like my stomach is going to explode at anytime. I don’t think I can eat another meal for a week. Brian raises an eyebrow, and looks at me. I see the gleam in his eye, and I want to tell him that if he thinks he’s going to get THAT right now… he’s got another thing coming. “Not that… that’s for later.” “Now who’s not any fun?” “Brian, I’d most likely puke all over you.” I tell him with a small smirk. “Somehow I don’t think you’d like that at all. Desert will come, you have to be patient.” I inform him. Of course I wouldn’t mind doing that right now… if only my stomach would cooperate. Hell, if I could just stay in bed with him all weekend, all my life, I would be one happy little boy. But that will never happen, so I’ll just settle for what I can have, when I can. I know I’ll make him very happy, and I’ll make it all up to him. “So what were you thinking?” He asks as he picks up our plates and takes them into the kitchen. I grab the wine glasses and follow closely behind him. “I was thinking about taking some time off during the summer. You know go somewhere… if you’re available, you know… I was thinking we could get away.” Brian rinses off the plates and sets them in the dishwasher. “Where were you thinking about going?” “I don’t know. I’m sure we could figure it out.” I tell him. “So you think you could get some time off? It’s a long ways away, and I’m not even sure how much time I will be able to take in between everything, but…” Brian turns around and takes the glasses out of my hands. Filling them, he hands mine back to me and walks out toward the living room. I hate it when he does this sort of thing. He has done it to me so many times since I’ve known him and it always irritates the hell out of me. The wait game. I ask him something and he drags his answer out. He is such a shit at times… but at least he’s my shit. As I move over toward him, he pats the couch beside him. Sitting down next to him I turn slightly so that I’m facing him. “I don’t see why I couldn’t.” He tells me. See what I mean… a shit. Like he couldn’t have just told me that instead of dragging it out. “Where?” “I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead. All I know is I need a break.” I tell him. I really do need a break. I feel at times like I’m going to go totally crazy. My current schedule is killing me – the long hours, and now the constant travel. I don’t know how people can handle it for long periods of time. Of course for me, things are a little different. I can’t handle all the people around. Yeah, in the studio it’s not too bad cause I already know everyone. I know that there won’t be a large number of people around. It’s these damn public appearances that are really driving me crazy. Just look at what happened in New York. I almost went into a full blown panic attack when that guy came across the table. I told Joss after that, that I was basically done doing those. Unless they could guarantee that it wouldn’t happen again, that security would be better than that shit, then I was done. I wasn’t going to put myself in that position again. Luckily he was agreeable, and will make sure that it won’t happen again. I watch Brian as he sets his glass down on the table, reaching over to take my hand in his own. I feel myself being drawn closer to him, and I don’t fight it. Hell, how can I? How can I fight what I feel for him? I’ve done enough of that – I won’t do that again. I can’t. “Just the two of us… no one else?” He asks as he takes my glass and sets it down beside his. I can only nod… speech is beyond me right now. All I can think, all I can feel is him. I love this feeling. Brian places his hands on either side of my face, pulling me closer to him until his mouth descends on mine. I part my lips and let his tongue enter. Already, I know I’m lost. But it’s a good loss… the best kind, in my opinion. To lose yourself in someone… drop all your shields and just feel. This is what I have been missing in my life. This is what I need. Someone who just lets me be me. Someone who doesn’t expect the world… who expects someone I’m not. I don’t have to pretend with Brian. Oh yeah, I think I could get used to him living here in LA. I KNOW I could get used to this. Of course, he doesn’t realize that he’s not living anywhere besides here. Hell no. I have what I want right here, right now. I’m not giving this up. Fuck that shit. He’s mine, and I want it to stay that way. I want something… someone to come home to. I want someone to help me forget all the shit after a hard day. I want to forget my life for a while and just get lost in someone – something else. Yeah… I think this will work out perfectly. * * * * * * * TBC…