EXPERIENTIA DOCET Cogito, ergo sum I think, therefore I am This is Chapter 10 in the "EXPERIENTIA DOCET" series. Narrated by Justin Taylor and Brian Kinney Series Rated NC-17 and contains no warnings or spoilers. September 2002 Summary: Brian and Justin deal with guilt and doubt while they are separated. Disclaimer: no profit made… The Boys are not mine... No matter how much I’d love to have them… * * * * * * * Justin I reach the studio, totally bummed still from the night before. I wanted so badly to talk to Brian last night, but unfortunately he wasn’t there. I have tried all last night to put that thought out of my mind… tried to will myself NOT to make that call and demand to know where he was, what he was doing. All I got out of it was little sleep and an awful disposition this morning. I really don’t want to be here and deal with this shit today. I spot out of the corner of my eye one of the grips… he’s new. I can’t believe that I had never noticed him before. To say that this guy is hot would be an understatement. I smile toward him, and when he looks at me, I immediately feel a tightening in my groin. I feel my pulse start to race, and my palms start to sweat. Fuck! My Gaydar is pinging straight to the top. I know all I have to do is say the word and I wouldn’t have to be alone tonight. I start to head in his direction, but suddenly stop; feeling like someone dropped a bucket of cold water on me. What the fuck am I thinking? Fuck! No, I have to stop thinking like that. Brian… he’s the one I want. But damnit… he’s most likely out getting fucked by someone… sorry fucking someone why the hell shouldn’t I have some satisfaction too? I know why… cause if I do, and Brian is actually doing what he said he was going to do… then who the hell is at fault. Me. I have to believe that he’s doing what he promised. I have to. If I don’t then all of this is for naught. What’s the fucking point? I had overheard Neil and some of the other guys last night talking about Brian. I knew that I shouldn’t let it effect me, but I have. They were all talking about his reputation, and how they would love to have a shot at him. I had put it out of my mind last night, but when I had gotten home, and he still didn’t answer the damn phone… how can I ignore it? How many times to I have to tell myself that I’m just being paranoid and there is nothing to worry about? I pray that he is being faithful. I hope to god that everyone is wrong about him. However, if I am so sure about what he’s doing … or not doing, then why is it that the first guy I see this morning I am thinking about taking home? I don’t know how much of this I can take. I have to talk to him today, I just have to. I don’t know what I’ll say to him… can I come right out and ask him if he’s been fucking around? Should I? What if he isn’t and he thinks that I don’t trust him? What will happen then? This whole situation is so fucked that I can’t even begin to think of an answer, or a solution. I can’t think period. Please Brian, let me be wrong… let everyone else be wrong. That’s all I ask. I don’t know what I will do if you are messing around. I don’t know what I would do. But I can’t lose Brian now… we’re only getting started. * * * * * * * Brian I can’t fucking believe this… the one fucking time that I have a chance at something real I fucking blow it. The first sign of doubt I go out and fuck it all up. Fuck! What do I tell Justin? Can I even tell him? I swore to myself that I would try my hardest to do what I had promised, to NOT fuck around. And yet… less then 48 hours later, I’m sitting here wondering what I can do to make it up to him. This is why I never did relationships before. Fuck! The funniest thing is I actually wanted to do what he had asked of me… okay so I was the one who had brought it up… a lapse in judgment on my part. But damnit I wanted to try at least. I wanted to give him what he deserved. I am my fucking father. I know one thing that if he finds out – cause I sure as hell won’t tell him unless he outright asks – but if he finds out… I’m not going to try and ‘make it up to him’. No I won’t be buying flowers and telling him that I will never do it again cause it would be a lie. There is no guarantee that it will never happen again. I mean come one I’m new at this shit. I should be given some sort of leeway right? Fuck, there should be some book on this shit somewhere. There are books and websites on everything else out there I just can’t believe how badly I have fucked things up. And I can pinpoint the moment it all started… cause I tell you the moment before I had walked into that fucking shit hole I was feeling pretty good. Hearing Michael and Emmett go on and on about Justin. The comments they made about that ‘ass shot’ – which by the way I still plan on finding out what that is all about. – made me nervous. I mean if my own fucking so called friends are thinking these thoughts then who’s to say that the rest of the world isn’t thinking them as well. And who’s to say that Justin won’t look at one of them and decide that his life would be better… easier if he just went with them and to hell with me. Okay, so I know that Justin isn’t like that, but it doesn’t stop the irrational fear that is feeding me. The fear that he will realize that I’m not worth it, that he deserves so much more. Then there is that crap with what he is supposed to do, how is supposed to act. What if his damn publicist told him that seeing someone my age would be bad for him? What the hell am I going to say to that? I won’t fucking destroy his career because of who I am, or how much of a difference there is between us. But damnit if I don’t get pissed at someone running Justin’s life that way. Fuck that shit. I won’t let anyone tell Justin that he can and can’t do something. If he wants to do it then more power to him… I won’t stand in his way. However, the thing is… the main thing is, I don’t know if I could live without him in my life. In just a short amount of time, I have gotten used to having him around, gotten used to the idea of having a – god forbid – boyfriend. Okay so I’m selfish, I know that. Can anyone blame me? So if I want him in my life… if I want to have him there with me… why did I fuck up as badly as I did? * * * * * * * Justin Okay, here’s the deal. I’m pissed. Fucking furious! All damn day long all I can think about is the fact that Brian blew me off. He fucking just completely ignored me. Hell he hasn’t even called me yet today. Do I have a right to be pissed? I fucking think so. I mean here I am all fucking worried that he went out and fucked some guy… going against everything that he had promised me mind you. And he doesn’t ONCE fucking call. Am I overreacting? Maybe…but damnit it fucking takes two to make a relationship work. If he wants me he can fucking call me. I’m not going to wait around for him to get a clue. Hell no.. not me. I’m not some little fucking twinkie who follows some guy around when he’s not wanted. Oh hell no. I have my own life, my own career. If he wants to be a part of it, well then he better get his ass in gear and decide that he wants this. If not, then fuck him. Okay so really… all of that sounds sooo good in theory. But we have a couple of problems. #1: Brian knows that there is a time difference between us – check #2: Brian knows that I’m at the studio and can’t take calls – check #3: the worst of all. I’m not ready to let him go. – Fuck! So what do I plan on doing when I get home? I’ll be like one of those little fucking idiots on Dawson’s creek or some other teenage angst and wait. I’ll sit and wait for the call, cause I sure as hell am not going to call him. I am soo screwed. I knew that if I gave myself to him, if I opened myself up to him that I would be opening myself up to a whole lot of heartache. Why do I do these things to myself? I mean it’s not like I’ve had enough fucking drama in my life right? Haven’t I fucking suffered enough? I keep telling myself that this is the last time… I won’t be made a victim again. I won’t let anyone have a hold over me, over my heart. I won’t let anyone hurt me anymore. But every time I think of Brian, I realize that I have fallen right back into the place I told myself I would never be. And I’m not sorry. I love him, and he loves me. Isn’t love about pain as well as happiness? Isn’t the line between love and hate so thin that it’s hard to determine which is which? Doesn’t love mean that you let yourself be hurt? I wish I knew. * * * * * * * Brian By the time I get back to the loft, I’m in some serious need of a drink. Of something that’s for sure. I have worked myself into a fucking frenzy today with worrying about how Justin would handle my little mistake. I know I shouldn’t worry too much about it, I know that he will be pissed, but we can work it out right? Okay… so it’s not that easy. I mean what the hell would I be able to say to him? What can I say to him to make him understand that I fucked up? Putting the glass of Beam to my lips, it hits me like a ton of fucking bricks. This is how we started last night out. Me drinking myself into a fucking oblivion, then making the stupid mistake of not realizing a simple thing like time zones. Fuck! I am whipped. Tonight I figure that I will sit here and just wait. When he calls he calls. I’m not going to let him get away from me. I change my clothes and sit down on the couch with the phone within reach. Now all I have to do is wait. * * * * * * * Justin I walk into the loft finally at 10:30 and head straight to the bedroom. I don’t even look at the machine to see if he called… not yet. I don’t know if I’m ready to face that yet. I’m not ready to be disappointed. I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but it’s that feeling in the pit of my stomach that says that he didn’t call. I just know it. After getting dressed, I make my way into the kitchen glancing over to the machine. I see the light on the phone blinking telling me I have voice mail. Picking up the phone, I dial in the code, and place the phone to my ear as I make myself a sandwich. “Hey Jus, guess who? It’s Daphne you geek. Hey look give me a call as soon as you can. I have been hearing things that I just have to know if they are true or not… and if they are… why the hell didn’t you tell me you had a boyfriend? We’re best friends we share everything. Call me!” I laugh slightly at my childhood friend curses me. Daphne has been a huge part of my life, and we will always be close. Neither one of us is ready to end our friendship. Neither one of us wants to. Just knowing that she’s still there for me after everything means the world to me. Of course I cringe at her mention of a boyfriend. Guess the word is out… only is it too late? I press a button to save that message, I’ll call her tomorrow during my break – and listen as the next voice came on the line. “Justin, sweetheart,” I cringe as I hear Ethan’s voice. Without thinking about anything I press the button to delete. I really don’t want to hear from some asshole that thinks that we should live together. That we could be the next Hollywood Super Couple. I dated him like once… okay get that. Once. He was so fucking fake that I had to leave dinner before I threw up. “Justin,” the next message starts, and I close my eyes. This is another call I don’t want. “Sweetheart? This is your mother. Please Justin… Please call me. We have to talk. Our last conversation… well I’m sorry. I never should have pushed. Please honey; please call me as soon as you get this message. Please. I love you.” Saving my mom’s message, I decide that I will call her. I do want to see her and Molly when I’m in town. “You have no more messages in your mailbox,” I hear the automatic reply. He didn’t call. Brian didn’t call. I run through the list of calls on the caller ID and nothing. He really didn’t call. Fuck! Okay so maybe he’s just waiting for me to call him…but damnit I don’t want to be the only one who’s working at this. Why is this so hard? Why can’t he just pick up the phone and call? I carry the phone over to the bed and sit it down on the covers next to me. I’ll be here when he calls. He’ll realize that I’m not calling him and he’ll check up on me. I just have to wait. If he doesn’t… I don’t know what I’ll do. The ball’s in his court. It’s up to him now. * * * * * * * TBC…